I really wanna just read this story and love it but I can't seem to help picking things out =[ I feel really awful now Like, a teacher or something equally as horrible
But yeah, my findings... The game was over, need not say anything, for him at least. It kinda, doesn't make sense? "Way, next month, we play at my place." Bert called "I have a friend that would want to try their luck against you." complete with the undertone of a big bet. Punctuation again. Do you have a little trouble with the whole speech marks thing? I know I definitely used to that's the only reason I keep pointing this out faded iron maiden shirt Capital I, capital M How they only had enough cups, plates and utensils for the four of them, a frying pan and a cauldron. Kinda not making sense again He sighed, how the living room was also their bedroom, their two mattresses on the floor behind the couch, Hell they didn't even have covers, only thin sheets to serve as makeshift blankets. Again it doesn't seem to make sense. Like, I think I know what you mean to say but it doesn't show in the writing.
Yeah other than those major ones okay the tee wasn't that huge of a mistake but it was Maiden without the capitals *emotear* lol a couple of punctuation errors. Stuff like comas and phrasing and the like
On a note about the actual STORY though, Frank wants to be a lawyer? That's so cute And what does Gee do? I do have thoughts that he's a hooker, or maybe something a little more sinister...?
-grin- i both fear and look forward to your comments dear... if i -do- have another chap ready soon, after it comes back from my beta i'll pass it to you before i post okay? hehe i really appreciate the help and concrit :D
I really wanna just read this story and love it but I can't seem to help picking things out =[
I feel really awful now
Like, a teacher or something equally as horrible
But yeah, my findings...
The game was over, need not say anything, for him at least. It kinda, doesn't make sense?
"Way, next month, we play at my place." Bert called "I have a friend that would want to try their luck against you." complete with the undertone of a big bet. Punctuation again. Do you have a little trouble with the whole speech marks thing? I know I definitely used to that's the only reason I keep pointing this out
faded iron maiden shirt Capital I, capital M
How they only had enough cups, plates and utensils for the four of them, a frying pan and a cauldron. Kinda not making sense again
He sighed, how the living room was also their bedroom, their two mattresses on the floor behind the couch, Hell they didn't even have covers, only thin sheets to serve as makeshift blankets. Again it doesn't seem to make sense. Like, I think I know what you mean to say but it doesn't show in the writing.
Yeah other than those major ones okay the tee wasn't that huge of a mistake but it was Maiden without the capitals *emotear* lol a couple of punctuation errors.
Stuff like comas and phrasing and the like
On a note about the actual STORY though, Frank wants to be a lawyer? That's so cute
And what does Gee do?
I do have thoughts that he's a hooker, or maybe something a little more sinister...?
However, more soon yes??
xx
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That's a tad scary lol
And sure thing
You have my email blah blah
I'll probably get it sent back to you within a day or something =]
xx
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