And here we go again... A glimpse into my brain... A.K.A. giving myself time to think
I have not written anything in a long time. Writing is still a tremendous hobby of mine and I appreciate the art of a well-written sentence, but it seems that recently I have begun to think and feel differently. My brain suddenly seems unclouded. It might be a good thing, but a brain should not necessarily feel cloudless. It has been remarked that this change probably has something to do with growing up. I am not sure. Quite honestly though, I feel no need to understand how good or how bad this change in my brain is. The change will be there regardless.
The new feeling is very strange. Everything feels wonderful, but at the same time everything feels mediocre. It is as if the two sides of the mood swings that I used to have are suddenly combined into one relatively constant mood. I cannot decide if I love things or whether I think the world should be better. I used to always "know" the answer to this question, just usually not for very long. But it is not confusion, it is not questioning, it is simply not feeling anywhere near as dramatically or excessively as I did before.
I feel I have gone from very complex and very deep to much more simple. I miss some of the older trains of thought I no longer seem to have, but I definitely feel that I am a much truer happy than I have been before.
I am too accustomed to getting what I want. I need tremendously unique happy things to make me happy, and near-utopian people around me or I get depressed. At least that was my old mindset. Now I am beginning to see things more simply. And I like it, but with this clarity I realize that most of the people and things in my life right now will not matter to me in the grand scheme of things. I see more clearly the things that will too. I am growing closer to developing real goals for my life. I am fantasizing less and entering a mindset where I actually make more things happen.
I need to write more often. To do this I need to start writing ideas down and planing things out more. I used to be able to just sit down and ramble because I was so confused. Now I cannot. But the new clarity I am feeling is one that entails a writing style that also feels more fluid and comprehensible to me. I feel I will write better now if I simply begin the habit of writing. Before I could write well because I was writing to cope, now I will write well because I have ideas of things I would be good at writing. The distinction is not coming out as nicely as I would like it to, but in short I feel like my writings will now be things I am proud of and that people would like to read. Except maybe things like these ramblings.
So many questions. So many ideas.
Apparently the moral of this story is I need to force myself to write things while listening to music more often because it gets the wheels in my head turning almost unstoppably. I need to figure out what other things do that with this new mind of mine.
I do love life.
The new feeling is very strange. Everything feels wonderful, but at the same time everything feels mediocre. It is as if the two sides of the mood swings that I used to have are suddenly combined into one relatively constant mood. I cannot decide if I love things or whether I think the world should be better. I used to always "know" the answer to this question, just usually not for very long. But it is not confusion, it is not questioning, it is simply not feeling anywhere near as dramatically or excessively as I did before.
I feel I have gone from very complex and very deep to much more simple. I miss some of the older trains of thought I no longer seem to have, but I definitely feel that I am a much truer happy than I have been before.
I am too accustomed to getting what I want. I need tremendously unique happy things to make me happy, and near-utopian people around me or I get depressed. At least that was my old mindset. Now I am beginning to see things more simply. And I like it, but with this clarity I realize that most of the people and things in my life right now will not matter to me in the grand scheme of things. I see more clearly the things that will too. I am growing closer to developing real goals for my life. I am fantasizing less and entering a mindset where I actually make more things happen.
I need to write more often. To do this I need to start writing ideas down and planing things out more. I used to be able to just sit down and ramble because I was so confused. Now I cannot. But the new clarity I am feeling is one that entails a writing style that also feels more fluid and comprehensible to me. I feel I will write better now if I simply begin the habit of writing. Before I could write well because I was writing to cope, now I will write well because I have ideas of things I would be good at writing. The distinction is not coming out as nicely as I would like it to, but in short I feel like my writings will now be things I am proud of and that people would like to read. Except maybe things like these ramblings.
So many questions. So many ideas.
Apparently the moral of this story is I need to force myself to write things while listening to music more often because it gets the wheels in my head turning almost unstoppably. I need to figure out what other things do that with this new mind of mine.
I do love life.