(no subject)
This weekend has probably been one of the most interesting and most pivotal ones of my life. Definitely one of the most changing out of this whole year at college.
I finally understand it all again. I know what is important, and I know what kind of people I wanna be around: people who do not need me to sacrifice myself to feel ok.
During these last few weeks I have lost two of my best friends, one of them with the potential to be a lot more, and on some levels I do regret that.
At the same time though, I have found that my life is so much more real and comfortable without the people I considered comforts. I can be myself and people appreciate that. I have rediscovered my old secret to being the guy that everyone loves without sacrificing any of myself. I just be.
This entry is not so much of a judgment, but a milestone. That phase of my life is over, as are my relationships with some of the people in it. But I dont feel worse, in fact in some ways I feel better, stronger. Some things might be said in this entry that seem harsh, and I am sorry, I simply find the easiest way to deal with things that bother me is to have them heard.
I do wish to end on a good note with those people though. I would like to thank them for being my friends while it worked.
But I have moved on to bigger and better things. I do not even have a desire to reconcile with one of the two involved, and the other I do just because I feel things did not end right. But again, maybe I am wrong. Maybe the way this ended was the only way I would realize their true nature.
I have once again found the level where everyday is full of me smiling and feeling comfortable with myself, and proud of the people I associate with. I have nothing right now about my life that I am unhappy with. I am done apologizing for other people, and accepting their excuses. I am living my life well, if you dont like it back the fuck off.
And I remembered today why I call myself judgmental: I lose respect for people very easily. But I gain it even easier.
On some level I really want to talk to these people, and make them feel like shit, because they have done things to me that are not forgivable in my opinion, but a different kind of line has been crossed. I give lots of chances, and if you act the right way you can honestly make me ok with anything, but at some point I snap, and once I have decided you are a waste of my time I will never waste my time on you again.
I wanted you guys around because I was lonely and you helped me through that. But I would rather be lonely than around the negativity and lack of respect I have become accustomed to in your company.
And do not read this message as hate, but instead love. I am angry because these people have taken the most beautiful thing I could ever give, unconditional love and respect, and rubbed it through the dirt.
I gave so much of myself to make you happy, and comfortable. For one of you I took away my confidence so you would feel more comfortable and win more fights, I consistently tried to change little parts of me so you would be feel happy around me, and I opened up to you on the deepest level I have ever opened up to anyone even when I was not sure you would handle the degree of intimacy well. Everything I ever did was with you in mind, it was all intended as a gift that I could give you. I forced myself to trust you when I felt no degree of trust, because it would make you feel better, I forced myself to be social when I was not because you would like that. It truly was all encompassing. I gave myself to you to do as you wish, and you did what you wished, you controlled everything and did not value any other opinion involved other than your own. A relationship ending this way with you is not a possibility but a fated reality. You value only yourself. Normally this realization would be enough to simply make me not want to talk to someone anymore, but the worst thing is you consider me the bad guy. I gave myself to you unconditionally for nearly a year and a half. I am the bad guy. I gave you chance after chance to earn my trust, and when you did not I forced my own hand to avoid forcing yours, and I am the bad guy. I do not mind forgetting someone when I know that I have acted respectfully and everyone involved at least understands that I tried my hardest. But you slander me. You toss my name around in the mud. You laugh at my expense. Yet I bite my tongue and I am the bad guy. I defend you even in your ridiculous choices, that are obviously against how I think, I would never insult you to anyone. I am the bad guy. You do not know how well I talk of you. But you are right, I should be punished for doing so.
And the other one of you will not gain my respect again. You are a low, vile creature. I now realize why you were first friends with other people I gave up on. You are no different, except you are less confident. Not only are you low but you are sneaky about it. You obviously are not proud of yourself, and I do not have a hard time understanding why not. To you, good riddance. I only dread the fact that I will run into you with other friends of mine. You do not even deserve to be mentioned in this writing. You are scum.
And it is even funnier that the people I now consider my true friends are the same people I considered my friends before you. I took a chance on you guys and I lost. I do not hate you. I am simply disappointed that I could not see this coming. I am even more disappointed that I did see all of this in both of you immediately, but I gave you a chance anyways, because I did not want to be close minded and not give people a chance. One time one of you said something, and I find it utterly beautiful, almost to the point of being sexual. It was something along the lines of "one day you will think I was the worst thing that ever happened to you." Tell me that line isnt intoxicating. You were wrong though, you are not the worst thing that has happened to me, just the worst judgment I have ever made.
And I love you to death.
I finally understand it all again. I know what is important, and I know what kind of people I wanna be around: people who do not need me to sacrifice myself to feel ok.
During these last few weeks I have lost two of my best friends, one of them with the potential to be a lot more, and on some levels I do regret that.
At the same time though, I have found that my life is so much more real and comfortable without the people I considered comforts. I can be myself and people appreciate that. I have rediscovered my old secret to being the guy that everyone loves without sacrificing any of myself. I just be.
This entry is not so much of a judgment, but a milestone. That phase of my life is over, as are my relationships with some of the people in it. But I dont feel worse, in fact in some ways I feel better, stronger. Some things might be said in this entry that seem harsh, and I am sorry, I simply find the easiest way to deal with things that bother me is to have them heard.
I do wish to end on a good note with those people though. I would like to thank them for being my friends while it worked.
But I have moved on to bigger and better things. I do not even have a desire to reconcile with one of the two involved, and the other I do just because I feel things did not end right. But again, maybe I am wrong. Maybe the way this ended was the only way I would realize their true nature.
I have once again found the level where everyday is full of me smiling and feeling comfortable with myself, and proud of the people I associate with. I have nothing right now about my life that I am unhappy with. I am done apologizing for other people, and accepting their excuses. I am living my life well, if you dont like it back the fuck off.
And I remembered today why I call myself judgmental: I lose respect for people very easily. But I gain it even easier.
On some level I really want to talk to these people, and make them feel like shit, because they have done things to me that are not forgivable in my opinion, but a different kind of line has been crossed. I give lots of chances, and if you act the right way you can honestly make me ok with anything, but at some point I snap, and once I have decided you are a waste of my time I will never waste my time on you again.
I wanted you guys around because I was lonely and you helped me through that. But I would rather be lonely than around the negativity and lack of respect I have become accustomed to in your company.
And do not read this message as hate, but instead love. I am angry because these people have taken the most beautiful thing I could ever give, unconditional love and respect, and rubbed it through the dirt.
I gave so much of myself to make you happy, and comfortable. For one of you I took away my confidence so you would feel more comfortable and win more fights, I consistently tried to change little parts of me so you would be feel happy around me, and I opened up to you on the deepest level I have ever opened up to anyone even when I was not sure you would handle the degree of intimacy well. Everything I ever did was with you in mind, it was all intended as a gift that I could give you. I forced myself to trust you when I felt no degree of trust, because it would make you feel better, I forced myself to be social when I was not because you would like that. It truly was all encompassing. I gave myself to you to do as you wish, and you did what you wished, you controlled everything and did not value any other opinion involved other than your own. A relationship ending this way with you is not a possibility but a fated reality. You value only yourself. Normally this realization would be enough to simply make me not want to talk to someone anymore, but the worst thing is you consider me the bad guy. I gave myself to you unconditionally for nearly a year and a half. I am the bad guy. I gave you chance after chance to earn my trust, and when you did not I forced my own hand to avoid forcing yours, and I am the bad guy. I do not mind forgetting someone when I know that I have acted respectfully and everyone involved at least understands that I tried my hardest. But you slander me. You toss my name around in the mud. You laugh at my expense. Yet I bite my tongue and I am the bad guy. I defend you even in your ridiculous choices, that are obviously against how I think, I would never insult you to anyone. I am the bad guy. You do not know how well I talk of you. But you are right, I should be punished for doing so.
And the other one of you will not gain my respect again. You are a low, vile creature. I now realize why you were first friends with other people I gave up on. You are no different, except you are less confident. Not only are you low but you are sneaky about it. You obviously are not proud of yourself, and I do not have a hard time understanding why not. To you, good riddance. I only dread the fact that I will run into you with other friends of mine. You do not even deserve to be mentioned in this writing. You are scum.
And it is even funnier that the people I now consider my true friends are the same people I considered my friends before you. I took a chance on you guys and I lost. I do not hate you. I am simply disappointed that I could not see this coming. I am even more disappointed that I did see all of this in both of you immediately, but I gave you a chance anyways, because I did not want to be close minded and not give people a chance. One time one of you said something, and I find it utterly beautiful, almost to the point of being sexual. It was something along the lines of "one day you will think I was the worst thing that ever happened to you." Tell me that line isnt intoxicating. You were wrong though, you are not the worst thing that has happened to me, just the worst judgment I have ever made.
And I love you to death.