All the things I tried to say
On the contrary dear friend, I believe there are people in this world who can give with good intentions. I know two to be specific (My girl and you). I totally sympathize the feeling you have when you have to throw away a friendship that you have known for years. I have tried numerous times to try a savor what could be left, but I don’t think that there is a drop to save. All of this is because someone has too much pride in herself, and won’t come to terms with how miserable of a person she really is.
I am as just as much disbelief as she is. She knows the defining term of selfish. How is it that the person who decided to sleep with a friend (who already had a girlfriend at the time) right before she moved to California, isn’t selfish? You have even called me a couple weeks after that happened. You confessed to me your confusion, disbelief, and intentions behind your act. It’s ok to have one last thrill, but under those circumstances? I know you slept with her because you wanted to feel like you were needed at the time. Going from girl to girl had you totally busted up after our separation. You wanted the relationship you once had, but felt like it was unattainable at the moment. On top of the separation, I know that one of your biggest fears is to be alone. To not be loved. This all dates back when you were a child. Everyone you know can state that you couldn’t be single for longer that your separation anxiety will let you stretch. The smartest thing you ever did was go to her. You knew she had always wanted you, so you were self-centered at the time just to fill your own gap in your empty heart. To my understanding, I believe she walked in on a conversation you were having and you were confessing your mistakes to someone as well. This ended up with a lump on your head….yes?
Having a cloaked relationship is your way of making sure that other people who don’t know you, don’t find out who you really are. I know the game you are playing with your girl. I once was played MANY of times. Make her believe you are not a scandalous person. Show her you care by threatening words. History replays itself if there isn’t a variable to control you. Lisa is your variable, but she is no better that you are. I don’t care who you are with, just as long as you are happy. I would do anything for anyone who respects me just the same. I hold nothing against your relationship that you are in now. I have accepted a long time ago that she is a better person for you that I ever was. Maybe someone else needs to do the same and move on from the past. I started believing recently that she is depressed at the moment. Her misery shines through and through.
I called you a few months ago, and wanted to have a decent conversation with you about what I have been witnessing for the past year. Instead of you just listening to a friend that knows you inside and out, you turn the tables and made it all about me. How dare you compare you and I in the same sentence. We are nothing alike, and NEVER will be. I have made mistakes, but I have learned from them. I looked at Lisa, and I saw a mere refection of me in the past. A hopeless girl that has been though so much in her life. All she has ever wanted was for someone to take her in and care for her. She would do anything for you, Our relationship got tainted because I finally started to see your true colors shine though. At the time I was so in love with the though of someone being my shinning armor, and loving me though thick and thin. I didn’t want to admit that I was with someone who can be so cruel to her family, her girlfriend, and her friends. Before Lisa was with you, she didn’t drink. That fell through soon after she started dating you. Lisa tried to gain confidence in herself by loosing wait. That plan fell though obviously. All I wanted was to make one simple phone call and tell you what I saw, and what I felt was so true to my heart. I have been in her shoes, and I know she would never say anything to you. I just wanted to give you something that could make things better. You have never taken criticism from anyone. Not from your family of any kind, friends, or even your significant others at the time. Your parents have treated you like such a queen, that you truly believe that you have not one fault and that everyone else walks around on a high horse.
I will be the first person to confess…..I have lied to you more times than I can count in my mind, fingers, and toes. Calling me out on dishonesty is the most you can hold against me. It’s alarming for me to even try and explain why I have lied to you so many times. It haunted me for months while I was still being dishonest to My girl even though she is nothing comparable to you. I was so used to your one sided nature, bitter actions, and dictatorship. If only you can see what so many other friends have been trying to tell you for years.
You have had a drinking problem ever since I met you. You have anger management problems when things don’t go your way, or if you feel like you were in the wrong. You feel like you MUST rule everyone to get what you want. You are Hitler yourself. If someone doesn’t agree with you, they are nothing to you. You have respect issues with EVERYONE in your life. How can you speak to your family the way you do, when all they do is support you. They have done nothing more than help you on your hopeless pathway of life. They have helped you so much in fact, that you can’t even make decisions on your own anymore. Do you even know the true meaning of selfish? How about the word spoiled? How do you speak to your girlfriend in the tone and demeanor that you do? I have listened to you countless times yelling at her for something that was so meaningless. I have watched as body language spoke for itself. Lastly, how do you find the audacity to degrade your friends of all their faults? Yours haven’t changed since I met you. You are still the same person that you were 7 years ago. Before you try and tell other people about what they need to change….please….look in the mirror. Don’t hold things against me that have happened years ago. The variables are different.
Even with the above mentioned, people still seem to find you a good person to be around. Without a doubt, you are a great person even though what kills you is sown on your heart and sleeves. I once thought so much of you but after time and pain, it just becomes to much to deal with. How can I learn to keep a friendship with you? All you are is a big ball of negativity.