a confession of sorts.
We sit here now , on this cold night. Two months and ten days since it happened.
We have done many things we shouldn't have in that time. Some harmful to ourselves. Some harmful to others. Some things legal, too many things not... though the legality is not what holds us in regret. it is the morality of it.
We were expecting not to be that weak anymore. But it is integral to admit to ourselves that we are not.
We wept. we screamed. we... unfortunately, stalked. we hurt ourselves with a razor because it was the only way from killing them. we hate so much the fact that we have been so easily cast aside in favor of things both older and newer. we were just a stepping stone that means nothing in the end. acts of compassion comiing from a place of guilt.
we hate because it hurts so much. we also hate because we are being something of a hypocrite in doing so.
still, we torture ourselves by seeking out information that we shouldn't know. part in a desire to hurt oneself. part in a desire to arm ourselves to hurt them... and part because we just want to know how someone we once loved... and at the most painful of truths, were slightly obsessed over... are doing.
and all the meanwhile we are looking gift horses in the mouth, so-to-speak. if for no other reason than we don't feel ourselves capable of even trusting ourselves anymore.
minute-by-minute, things change in our hearts. from elated joy to death-wishing sorrow. rapidly jumping from one to another and everywhere in between.
and we have been cut off from any form of solace. no friend can listen or comfort without telling me what they think we should do... even though their intentions are honourable...
new opportunities exist, but we have not yet learned what to do about our own souls... which makes it worse in some ways.
because whats to happen isn't fair to anyone... and everyone makes a point of telling us so. as if we are too stupid to already know.
we want so much to be able to do it, though.
maybe we should take the opportunity to prove a playing card wrong, and show them that determination alone can win a race.
... a smile that used to bring rays of light instead make you want to shed blood. you choose your own because its not nearly so morally objectionable as theirs. because part of that smile still gives you sunshine.
then there are other smiles. ones that do what they can to warm the ice motel... and you want to let it do so so much that it hurts... but you just don't know if or how to let down the walls of thorns.
We have done many things we shouldn't have in that time. Some harmful to ourselves. Some harmful to others. Some things legal, too many things not... though the legality is not what holds us in regret. it is the morality of it.
We were expecting not to be that weak anymore. But it is integral to admit to ourselves that we are not.
We wept. we screamed. we... unfortunately, stalked. we hurt ourselves with a razor because it was the only way from killing them. we hate so much the fact that we have been so easily cast aside in favor of things both older and newer. we were just a stepping stone that means nothing in the end. acts of compassion comiing from a place of guilt.
we hate because it hurts so much. we also hate because we are being something of a hypocrite in doing so.
still, we torture ourselves by seeking out information that we shouldn't know. part in a desire to hurt oneself. part in a desire to arm ourselves to hurt them... and part because we just want to know how someone we once loved... and at the most painful of truths, were slightly obsessed over... are doing.
and all the meanwhile we are looking gift horses in the mouth, so-to-speak. if for no other reason than we don't feel ourselves capable of even trusting ourselves anymore.
minute-by-minute, things change in our hearts. from elated joy to death-wishing sorrow. rapidly jumping from one to another and everywhere in between.
and we have been cut off from any form of solace. no friend can listen or comfort without telling me what they think we should do... even though their intentions are honourable...
new opportunities exist, but we have not yet learned what to do about our own souls... which makes it worse in some ways.
because whats to happen isn't fair to anyone... and everyone makes a point of telling us so. as if we are too stupid to already know.
we want so much to be able to do it, though.
maybe we should take the opportunity to prove a playing card wrong, and show them that determination alone can win a race.
... a smile that used to bring rays of light instead make you want to shed blood. you choose your own because its not nearly so morally objectionable as theirs. because part of that smile still gives you sunshine.
then there are other smiles. ones that do what they can to warm the ice motel... and you want to let it do so so much that it hurts... but you just don't know if or how to let down the walls of thorns.