A slippery slope
I think Im slipping into a minor depression. Ive been waitin for 2 weeks to leave for Korea and in my time here I have done nothing constructive, in fact I have dont nothing but drink and its not drinking with friends necesscarily. I get bored and finish a pint of whisky and listen to music. I feel really fucking sad and I dont know why. Kinda like I dont have anything going on so I dont do anything and that puts my mind on idle. If you know me well, I dont think well when Im on idle. I get self-desructive. I keep thinking about bullshit. Women, sex, the future, my existance, drugs, God, my place in the grand scheme of things. Usually I keep a good head and keep this shit at bay, but here recently I cant help but think these things. I really do, at this moment, feel worthless, completely and utterly worthless. What reason do I have for living, not that Im going to kill myself, cause Im not THAT crazy, but I do want to know my place in the world. What am I to do? I like control. I love being able to control what is going on around me and I cant. I want to tell people what to do with their lives but I cant control my own. I want a wife and kids, but I know that I wouldnt be the best husband/father, people say that i would, but they dont know me that well. I think too much. I will be ok, but Im just really really fucking down. I need to do something significant. Something that will give everyone a reason to remember me. If I was to die tomorrow, who would miss me? What would they say? Would they remember me after Im buried? Who would cry and why? Would people come to my funeral just because it's what you do? Is there anyone who would regret not having something with me? A memory? A relationship? A better friendship? How would people remember me? Would they say I was a genuinly good guy? Would everyone discover all the lies Ive ever said? Is there one person on this earth that actually 'got' me?
Im listening to a Lucero song that they covered. It has a line that partially expresses what I want to say "I was kissin the bottle, when I should have been kissin you."
I want that sort of realtion ya know? Seems like everyone around me as a sig other or is married. It feels like Im being left behind. I also dont like the people that I associate with. Mostly Allen and Galyon. They are going NOWHERE. For example, they came over the past 5 nights. We didnt do a damn thing. We smoked and drank and they complained about how bored they were. Fuck that. Both of them dont have job so of course the dont have money so we cant go out or anything. All we could do is hang out here and do nothing. And fuck Allen, goddamn cock block. I was supposed to go visit some girlfriends of mine last week and because Allen cant take hints to go the fuck home, I didnt go. I see my life heading towards something like theirs. A meaningless existance. No job, no girls, nothing to live for. Just stories from years ago about how cool they used to be. You can only hear Galyon and Allen talk about how awesome they were 5 years ago. Fantastic guys, what have you done in the past 5 years? Hmm? Oh? Nothing? And why is that? Cause you two are the laziest motherfuckers I have ever met. All you do is hide behind excuses and talk about what you are going to do. Going going going. No action. I at least graduated and am looking to go over seas to work.
I dont want to associate with people like that. It reflects on me, poorly.
Im really not happy now. I need new friends, a new reason to live, and a new life altogether.
Im listening to a Lucero song that they covered. It has a line that partially expresses what I want to say "I was kissin the bottle, when I should have been kissin you."
I want that sort of realtion ya know? Seems like everyone around me as a sig other or is married. It feels like Im being left behind. I also dont like the people that I associate with. Mostly Allen and Galyon. They are going NOWHERE. For example, they came over the past 5 nights. We didnt do a damn thing. We smoked and drank and they complained about how bored they were. Fuck that. Both of them dont have job so of course the dont have money so we cant go out or anything. All we could do is hang out here and do nothing. And fuck Allen, goddamn cock block. I was supposed to go visit some girlfriends of mine last week and because Allen cant take hints to go the fuck home, I didnt go. I see my life heading towards something like theirs. A meaningless existance. No job, no girls, nothing to live for. Just stories from years ago about how cool they used to be. You can only hear Galyon and Allen talk about how awesome they were 5 years ago. Fantastic guys, what have you done in the past 5 years? Hmm? Oh? Nothing? And why is that? Cause you two are the laziest motherfuckers I have ever met. All you do is hide behind excuses and talk about what you are going to do. Going going going. No action. I at least graduated and am looking to go over seas to work.
I dont want to associate with people like that. It reflects on me, poorly.
Im really not happy now. I need new friends, a new reason to live, and a new life altogether.