Denial and Numbness...
Denial...
Denial is a pretty strong word... and a strong concept.
How long to I let myself sit in denial? Denial of my true feelings, denial of what I think is going on... Denial of myself...
I hate Denial... but it's my best buddy... we can even sit down and have a few drinks together...
I realized today... as I was sitting in my tub this morning... I like pain... I don't even turn on the cold water when I start my bath. It's pure burning, hot, heat. And I love it that way. It gets so hot that my endorphines kick in and I feel numb.
This burning hot bath serves two purposes. It reminds me that I am human, and I can't deny my feelings. Because I do, I push my emotions down so far that now I don't know how to react appropriately to certain emotions. I've never let myself work through them before.
But as much as this bath reminds me that I have feelings... it serves as a numbing mechanism. It gets so severely hot that my body does what it's supposed to do in traumatic experiences like that... it shuts down pain receptors. I feel nothing. My body goes tingling numb. I can escape into my own little world. At least it's better than using alcohol or drugs to numb out my emotionas. Numbness.
Numbness and Denial.
We're such a hot threesome.
Denial is a pretty strong word... and a strong concept.
How long to I let myself sit in denial? Denial of my true feelings, denial of what I think is going on... Denial of myself...
I hate Denial... but it's my best buddy... we can even sit down and have a few drinks together...
I realized today... as I was sitting in my tub this morning... I like pain... I don't even turn on the cold water when I start my bath. It's pure burning, hot, heat. And I love it that way. It gets so hot that my endorphines kick in and I feel numb.
This burning hot bath serves two purposes. It reminds me that I am human, and I can't deny my feelings. Because I do, I push my emotions down so far that now I don't know how to react appropriately to certain emotions. I've never let myself work through them before.
But as much as this bath reminds me that I have feelings... it serves as a numbing mechanism. It gets so severely hot that my body does what it's supposed to do in traumatic experiences like that... it shuts down pain receptors. I feel nothing. My body goes tingling numb. I can escape into my own little world. At least it's better than using alcohol or drugs to numb out my emotionas. Numbness.
Numbness and Denial.
We're such a hot threesome.