Untitled EMiliband/AJohnson
It had been there for weeks, months even…he wasn’t completely sure when it had started and what had even caused it to start, but now he knew for sure that it was well and truly there…and that was even worse. Alan slowly walked over to his desk and turned off his mobile phone, he thought that if he was interrupted halfway through by a call or a knock or an email he wouldn't be able to go through with it, and he needed to go through with it…for both their sakes.
He opened up a new word document and reluctantly, with a heart which felt as heavy as lead, he began to type the words which he knew were inevitable but couldn’t help feeling guilty for. How had it come to this? They were just colleagues when Ed appointed him shadow chancellor, not even friends yet. Alan refused to believe that any exterior motives had made Ed chose him, especially the motives which were being splashed across the tabloids, all to do with getting revenge against Ed Balls…Alan of all people knew Ed Miliband was no saint, but his innocent looks were hard to place on the mastermind of someone who was solely choosing his cabinet based on petty grudges. No, Alan liked to think he had got the job because Ed thought he would be good at it. Nothing more and nothing less.
The first few months had been awkward for everyone. Nobody quite fit into their new cabinet roles yet…it was kind of like trying on a new pair of shoes; they give you blisters when you try and walk in them, but all you need is time to adjust to them. For Alan, it was harder adjusting to his new role in the shadow cabinet. He made mistakes and they reflected badly on Ed’s leadership. Alan flinched every time David Cameron blamed Ed for something he had gotten wrong and not picked up on. He felt responsible for him, despite Ed being in a higher position. Every time Ed was called names in the papers, or by the Conservatives, Alan wanted to wrap the younger man in his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay, that he was a good leader and that next time he would get the numbers and facts and figures right…that he promises to get it right next time…because he can’t stand seeing him upset because of him.
This is what Alan wants to do to Ed along with so many other things…unspeakable things…shameful things. Things he knows he can never, ever do.
It had been there for weeks and yet it wasn’t until a cold January evening that he knew for sure…
They had been working late in a shared office, Ed at one desk and Alan at the other. Conservation had alternated between business and leisure, both of them desperate to keep it interesting in order to stay awake, neither of them entirely confident that they would be able to. They had become quite good friends over the last few months, Ed trusted Alan with things he wouldn’t have told anyone…even his brother, and this made Alan feel warm when he thought about it.
As he paused over the final typed words on the document, Alan couldn’t believe he had allowed himself to get so close to Ed. It would have been so much fucking easier if he had kept the relationship entirely professional; no late night gossips in the office, no drinks together, no sharing personal secrets…But a part of him knew that it wouldn’t have lasted either way.
Ed moved towards Alan slowly, keeping eye contact. He perched on the edge of his desk and gulped. They both feel nervous and neither are quite sure what has caused this…
“Alan.” Ed whispers. The moment feels strangely tender and intimate. “Do you…do you want…” Ed frowned, not quite knowing how to say it.
“Yes.” Alan cut in, nervous for Ed. He sees that the younger man isn’t used to a situation like this and doesn’t quite know how he will process this information.
A moment passes before Ed’s arm reaches out to touch Alan’s wrist. He snaps away before it can make contact, knowing that if they touch…if any part of them touches what so ever, there will be no going back.
“I can’t Ed.” Alan’s chest sinks. “I can’t do this.”
“Why?” Ed blurts out and Alan can’t help but notice how innocent he looks. There is genuine hurt in his eyes, like he feels not good enough and this almost breaks Alan’s heart, because it couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Because…you have so much to lose. Your partner…your two gorgeous children…”
“So do you.”
Alan let out a small laugh. “My marriage is virtually over anyway.”
Ed appeared to ignore this as he mutters “Just once…please…” He now genuinely looks like he’s in pain, internally battling between what he wants and what he’s risking. “Just once and I’ll never mention this ever again, I promise Alan…I just need to touch you…”
“We both know that if this happens once it will be harder to stop.” Alan shook his head, unable to believe the words coming out of his own mouth. He wants so much to let Ed touch him, to have him on the very desk he’s sat at, but he knows if anyone can stop this madness before it spirals out of control it’s him. “I want you more than you can imagine. But I can’t let this happen, because it would destroy us.”
The cursor hovers over the last sentence, Alan finished the letter and read it through, knowing that if he sends it, Ed will be devastated and blame himself for everything. But the thought of Ed losing his family because of Alan is worse, and this is what dominates in his mind. He can only pray that Ed will understand.
He opened up a new word document and reluctantly, with a heart which felt as heavy as lead, he began to type the words which he knew were inevitable but couldn’t help feeling guilty for. How had it come to this? They were just colleagues when Ed appointed him shadow chancellor, not even friends yet. Alan refused to believe that any exterior motives had made Ed chose him, especially the motives which were being splashed across the tabloids, all to do with getting revenge against Ed Balls…Alan of all people knew Ed Miliband was no saint, but his innocent looks were hard to place on the mastermind of someone who was solely choosing his cabinet based on petty grudges. No, Alan liked to think he had got the job because Ed thought he would be good at it. Nothing more and nothing less.
The first few months had been awkward for everyone. Nobody quite fit into their new cabinet roles yet…it was kind of like trying on a new pair of shoes; they give you blisters when you try and walk in them, but all you need is time to adjust to them. For Alan, it was harder adjusting to his new role in the shadow cabinet. He made mistakes and they reflected badly on Ed’s leadership. Alan flinched every time David Cameron blamed Ed for something he had gotten wrong and not picked up on. He felt responsible for him, despite Ed being in a higher position. Every time Ed was called names in the papers, or by the Conservatives, Alan wanted to wrap the younger man in his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay, that he was a good leader and that next time he would get the numbers and facts and figures right…that he promises to get it right next time…because he can’t stand seeing him upset because of him.
This is what Alan wants to do to Ed along with so many other things…unspeakable things…shameful things. Things he knows he can never, ever do.
It had been there for weeks and yet it wasn’t until a cold January evening that he knew for sure…
They had been working late in a shared office, Ed at one desk and Alan at the other. Conservation had alternated between business and leisure, both of them desperate to keep it interesting in order to stay awake, neither of them entirely confident that they would be able to. They had become quite good friends over the last few months, Ed trusted Alan with things he wouldn’t have told anyone…even his brother, and this made Alan feel warm when he thought about it.
As he paused over the final typed words on the document, Alan couldn’t believe he had allowed himself to get so close to Ed. It would have been so much fucking easier if he had kept the relationship entirely professional; no late night gossips in the office, no drinks together, no sharing personal secrets…But a part of him knew that it wouldn’t have lasted either way.
Ed moved towards Alan slowly, keeping eye contact. He perched on the edge of his desk and gulped. They both feel nervous and neither are quite sure what has caused this…
“Alan.” Ed whispers. The moment feels strangely tender and intimate. “Do you…do you want…” Ed frowned, not quite knowing how to say it.
“Yes.” Alan cut in, nervous for Ed. He sees that the younger man isn’t used to a situation like this and doesn’t quite know how he will process this information.
A moment passes before Ed’s arm reaches out to touch Alan’s wrist. He snaps away before it can make contact, knowing that if they touch…if any part of them touches what so ever, there will be no going back.
“I can’t Ed.” Alan’s chest sinks. “I can’t do this.”
“Why?” Ed blurts out and Alan can’t help but notice how innocent he looks. There is genuine hurt in his eyes, like he feels not good enough and this almost breaks Alan’s heart, because it couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Because…you have so much to lose. Your partner…your two gorgeous children…”
“So do you.”
Alan let out a small laugh. “My marriage is virtually over anyway.”
Ed appeared to ignore this as he mutters “Just once…please…” He now genuinely looks like he’s in pain, internally battling between what he wants and what he’s risking. “Just once and I’ll never mention this ever again, I promise Alan…I just need to touch you…”
“We both know that if this happens once it will be harder to stop.” Alan shook his head, unable to believe the words coming out of his own mouth. He wants so much to let Ed touch him, to have him on the very desk he’s sat at, but he knows if anyone can stop this madness before it spirals out of control it’s him. “I want you more than you can imagine. But I can’t let this happen, because it would destroy us.”
The cursor hovers over the last sentence, Alan finished the letter and read it through, knowing that if he sends it, Ed will be devastated and blame himself for everything. But the thought of Ed losing his family because of Alan is worse, and this is what dominates in his mind. He can only pray that Ed will understand.