So what else is new....
I'm so sick of this shit. So tired of dealing the the bullshit excuses and the lame reasons. No matter what i say no matter how much i cry, beg, yell, or scream nothing is ever going to change. And sometimes i wonder why i deal with it, and wonder why i put up with it on a constant basis. I've been trying to make things clear all summer in every fuckin way imaginable and nothing ever sinks in. Nothing, ever.He claims this week is "hectic." You're playing poker, how does that qualify as hectic? He claims he doesn't have any money to see me, yet he's playing poker for money so i don't understand how that works unless it's just another lame excuse not to have to talk to me. Sometimes i really wonder if anything of what he says to me is true. I wonder if he really does care, i wonder if he really does love me or if he's just placating me for whatever unknown reason. He really makes me feel like shit. Like i'm not worth any of his time. HE says he'll call me later. Yea maybe he will but it'll be for a grand total of 5 min. long enough for him to tell me he's tired and doesn't want to talk. Long enough to tell me that he'll call me tomorrow and we'll really talk them. Long enough to string me along for another day. I've never felt worse about myself as i have this summer. I've never felt like more of a worthless piece of shit unworthy of anything more than i have this summer. He's made me feel that way. He's made me feel like i don't matter to him. We even talked about this and nothing changed. He tries to be good for a week and then everything goes back to the way things were. He's too consumed with himself to understand that all i want is some of his time. I'm not asking him to stay in and talk to me. I'm not asking to ditch his friends to talk to me, i'm not even asking him for any specifics. All i want is a little bit of his time everyday. It's become apparent that i'm asking too much. There are so many more important things and people out there than me. Hell, what do i matter at all. I'm only important when it's convenient. Sometimes i wonder if i was evern important to him, or if all i ever was was a convenience. I just can't deal with being a convenience anymore. Something has to change. There's plenty of options for that change. God only knows what it's going to be. I just need something to change, and change soon. I just don't want to be a convenience anymore.