Fic: In Flux (3/5)
Title: In Flux
Author: pterawaters
Artist: bulisen
Word Count: 15,800 (total)
Characters: Kurt, Puck, Blaine, Hudmels, Mercedes, etc
Pairing(s): Kurt/Blaine, Kurt/Puck
Genre: Supernatural/Drama/Romance
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Gender mutability
Author's Note: Written for Round 2 of the kurtbigbang. Archive link to the whole thing. Drawings awesomely made by bulisen. (Drawing one; Drawing two) Written before S3, so no spoilers there.
Summary: Kurt never thought losing his virginity would also mean losing his gender and by extension, his boyfriend. When a chance encounter with Puck proves his old self wasn't gone for good, Kurt figures his life is set again. It's too bad he never asked Puck what he thought of the arrangement.
Part 2
Part 3
When he got home, Kurt's dad called out from the kitchen, "Hey, kid! Come talk to your old man."
Sighing, Kurt complied hoping his father just wanted to chat about innocuous things and not about how they were going to get Kurt to change back.
"You look nice," Burt said when Kurt got to the kitchen, making Kurt look down at his clothes and shrug.
"I was going for as un-Kurt like as possible," he replied, smoothing down his top as he sat across the table from his father, "so no one would guess the truth."
Burt nodded sagely and Kurt wondered, not for the first time, if his father wasn't secretly thrilled that from a certain point of view Kurt's outsides matched his insides better now that he was a girl. "How was your first day back?"
"Alright," Kurt replied, shifting his hips uncomfortably. He was almost used to living in his girl-body, but occasionally he did things like sit down wrong, accounting for external parts that just weren't there anymore. "Nothing special to report. Everyone seems satisfied with the
story that I'm my own cousin. I got into glee."
"That's good, right?" Burt offered hopefully. "Didn't Finn say everyone's going to New York in a couple months? Do you get to go with them?"
"Yeah," Kurt smiled, some part of him wishing it had been the Warblers chosen to go to New York instead, so he and Blaine could go together. Now that Kurt had changed, however, Kurt wouldn't have been able to go with the all-boys choir.
"Listen, kid," Kurt's father continued in that way that meant he was super-serious. "I don't know if we're ever going to figure out what made you this way. There's absolutely no information out there, your Grandma Sophie has no idea, so it's not like this runs in your family or anything-"
"You told Grandma?" Kurt asked, suddenly a little nervous. Kurt hadn't even told his mother's mother that he was gay. He sort of figured she already knew, but still. Ever since his mom had died, Kurt's relationship with her side of the family had been strained at best. They
didn't like Burt much to begin with and without Elizabeth there to keep them in line...well, Kurt just didn't see much of his Grandmother or his Aunt these days.
"Had to, Kurt," his father shrugged. "Not that she believed me one bit. But I was looking for a cure or something, since I know how much you hate being like this."
"I'm getting used to it," Kurt replied honestly. "Not that I like the fact that I'm getting used to it, but ... But there's nothing else to do, is there?"
Burt shook his head silently, so Kurt figured that was that and left the kitchen to see if he could get some homework done before he had to start dinner.
As he was climbing the stairs, Finn got home and Puck followed him in. Kurt found Noah's presence annoying since he'd decided Kurt should be his girlfriend no matter what Kurt thought of the idea, so he hurried the rest of the way up the stairs, locking himself in his room and turning up his music so no one would bother him for awhile.
Besides, he needed the time to decompress. All day Kurt had been acting like the "new girl" everyone thought he was. There were names to pretend to forget and hallways to get lost down and certain dark-skinned football players to avoid. It was exhausting, not to mention all the make up work he'd been given to do before Monday, to make sure he would pass his finals and move on to Senior year in the fall.
He'd probably still be at McKinley, as Katrina Hummel. He wondered whether his old name deserved a funeral. If this change was permanent, no one would call him Kurt again. Ever.
Kurt wiped a stray tear away from one eye and took a deep breath. It was okay. It was going to be okay. Right?
~~**~~
On Saturday, Kurt met Blaine at the mall. They held hands and went shopping (for Blaine) and it felt almost normal. Instead of looking at them like he and Blaine were freaks, most people who even bothered to notice they were holding hands smiled. They freaking smiled because now that Kurt looked like a girl, it was socially acceptable for him to hold hands with a boy. It pissed him off, to be honest.
Kurt held it in, though. He and Blaine were on shaky ground to begin with. There was no reason to make a fuss over his own sense of personal injustice. Today was about proving to Blaine that he was still the same person, just in another package. It seemed like it was working when Blaine kissed Kurt quickly on the lips as he handed over Kurt's non-fat frozen yogurt.
Back at Kurt's house, they took over the TV room and popped in Grease, Blaine taking Kurt's hand and holding it through the entire movie. It was perfect, especially when Kurt started singing Olivia Newton John's lines and Blaine took John Travolta's. They sang to each other and smiled and when the movie was over, Blaine grinned, "That was fun! Thank you, Kurt."
"You're welcome," Kurt replied simply, thinking he should stand up and go get his DVD out of the player before Finn wanted to switch it for one of his own and totally destroyed it (as had happened before with Kurt's poor, unfortunate copy of Chicago). Something about Blaine's expression made Kurt stay sitting and ask, "What?"
After opening and closing his mouth a few times, Blaine admitted, "I miss you."
"I'm right here," Kurt replied softly, but he knew that wasn't what Blaine meant.
"I mean, I miss the relationship we had before this week. I miss cuddling and making out and ..." Blaine sighed as he left out what Kurt guessed he was going to say - sex. "Is that horribly shallow of me?"
"No," Kurt admitted with a heavy heart. "I miss those things, too. But I'm here, when you're ready."
"Maybe..." Blaine trailed off, looking at his hands. "Maybe we could try kissing? Just for starters?"
"I'd like that," Kurt replied with a smile, growing more confident, though his heart still beat in overtime due to nervousness.
He and Blaine leaned together slowly, and just like every other time they'd kissed since they started seeing each other, both tilted their heads right. To Kurt, the press of lips to lips, the mingled breath, the thrill of sensation when they parted for just the briefest of moments before falling together again - all of it felt exactly the same. It felt right. It felt amazing. It felt like Blaine was getting into it, too, by the way his breath sped up and his kisses pushed harder and more desperately.
Just like before, Kurt wound a hand into Blaine's hair (despite the gel) and Blaine's arms wrapped around behind Kurt's (narrower, now) shoulders. Just like before, things grew steadily more heated, kisses happening more and more frequently, tongues getting rougher, hands grabbing tighter. Blaine avoided touching Kurt's chest, which he guessed he could understand, even if it was a little frustrating, and made do with running his hands down Kurt's back to cup his ass.
"God," Kurt sighed at the sensation, feeling a little weird that he was getting damp instead of hard, but he tried to focus on Blaine instead ofnon his own weirdness. It was working, too, until Kurt pulled Blaine's hips closer.
Taking a sharp breath through his nose, Blaine pulled away, not even looking at Kurt as he untangled himself and stood up. "I'm sorry," he whispered, avoiding Kurt's eyes. "I'm sorry, Kurt. I can't..."
Chest aching, Kurt asked, "Not now or not ever?"
"Not ... I don't know," he replied, finally meeting Kurt's eyes with a quick apologetic look. Then Blaine gathered his things and left without another word.
It hurt more than Kurt could properly feel through the shock, watching his boyfriend just walk away like that. It was over, and there was nothing Kurt could do about it. "Shit," he swore as the tears began, hurrying upstairs and into the bathroom he shared with Finn. Kurt's family had enough to deal with without finding him bawling his eyes out over his stupid condition when they got home.
Once there, Kurt closed the door and started the shower, sure he was wasting heaps of water as he sat down on the bathmat fully clothed and let the tears fall. He wasn't disturbed for a long, long time.
~~**~~
Eventually though, awhile after Kurt's conscious had got the better of him and he turned off the water, someone walked in without even knocking and stopped short when he saw Kurt huddled on the ground. "What's wrong, babe?" Noah Puckerman's voice asked softly, closing the door behind him and crouching down three feet away.
"Don't call me that," Kurt croaked through his raw throat, wiping the tears from his eyes.
Silence settled over them as Puck nodded, dragging on for a minute or two before Puck asked, "You want me to kill him for ya?"
Kurt wasn't sure if Puck was just guessing that Kurt's problems were with a male someone, or if he had Blaine specifically in mind, but he didn't really care either way. He shook his head fiercely in response, wiping away another tear before admitting, "It's not his fault. His actions are all perfectly understandable."
"Lots of Germans thought Hitler's actions were all kinds of understandable," Puck replied quietly, a tone of voice Kurt wasn't sure he'd ever heard from the boy before. "Doesn't mean he wasn't an epic douche bag."
Kurt snorted at the fact that Puck had just called one of the most horrible people in history a douche bag. Only him. Taking a deep breath in the hopes that it would help stop the tears, Kurt decided to approach the conversation from a different angle. "What would you do, though, if your girlfriend turned into a boy overnight? You'd dump her, wouldn't you?"
Puck played with the bathmat a little before looking up to meet Kurt's eyes and asking, "Truth?"
Kurt nodded.
Puck shrugged and said softly but clearly, "I'd stick with them."
"No you wouldn't," Kurt scoffed, burying his head in his arms, which were crossed around his knees.
"Dude, I would!" Puck insisted, making a frustrated noise when Kurt didn't respond in any way. "Look, I know I'm fucked up or whatever, but I get the hots for all sorts of people. Chicks and guys. If my girlfriend grew a dick, it wouldn't matter, 'cause it'd still be her on the inside."
"Now I know you're messing with me," Kurt muttered into his knees, sneaking a brief look at Puck over one of his elbows. The boy was playing with a hole in his sock, and it made Kurt wonder if Puck was just a slob or if he didn't have the money to replace one measly worn-out sock.
"Just because I don't advertise at McKinley fucking High doesn't make it not true," Puck said, his voice still soft and careful, so unlike the Noah Puckerman Kurt usually saw. Maybe he was telling the truth. "I mean ... I was gonna tell you, man, or maybe Artie, 'cause we both know Finn wouldn't get it, but then you got driven away and I realized without a good reason, like a really good reason, it was better just to keep it to myself."
"Save yourself the trouble," Kurt nodded. "I get it. I really, really get it. But doesn't it bother you? Not being able to show the world who you are?"
"Nah," Puck shrugged nonchalantly. "I live large and in charge, babe. Just have to hold my tongue every once in awhile so I don't start hitting on the wrong dude, which, let's face it, is all of them."
"Except me," Kurt added, chuckling humorlessly. "I've been out for almost two years. Why didn't you...?" Oh, god. He was being presumptuous, wasn't he? Just because Noah liked some boys didn't mean he liked Kurt.
"Quinn," Puck replied almost instantly and Kurt supposed that made sense. Puck had been busy with providing for a kid and trying to get Quinn to be with him. It was all Kurt and Mercedes gossiped about some days - a fact that made Kurt feel a little uneasy now that he was sitting on his bathroom floor with the boy, sharing secrets like Puck trusted him to keep them.
"Thanks for telling me," Kurt sighed. "I know it wasn't easy."
Puck shrugged in response and silence slipped over them again. Kurt kind of wished that Blaine could think more like Puck, be bisexual like he thought he was after making out with Rachel. But he wasn't. Blaine was a hundred percent gay, just like Kurt. Well, he guessed now that he was a girl, he was a hundred percent straight, which made him just like almost everybody else. The only thing that made him unique anymore was the fact that he was a boy trapped in a girl's body, with no way of understanding how it had happened.
The thought made Kurt start crying again. His life was falling apart because his body had betrayed him. Sure, he didn't have cancer or some degenerative brain disease, but his body had betrayed him nonetheless.
"Hey," Puck whispered softly, moving to sit just next to Kurt, one arm around his shoulders. "It's okay. You're better than that douche, no sweat, Kurt. It's his fault for not seeing it."
"Why," Kurt sobbed, feeling raw and completely drained as he rubbed his nose on his sleeve. (It was one of his cheap girl-tops so who cared if it got wrecked?) "Why are you being so nice to me?"
"You looked like you needed it," he replied, leaning in to whisper in Kurt's ear, "and I'm all about giving you what you need, babe."
Kurt laughed at the apparent come on. He couldn't help it. Why would Puck want him? His nose was all red and his face was blotchy and he couldn't seem to stop crying for more than two seconds. Maybe Puck had some sort of weird attraction to the fact that Kurt used to be a guy -
Kurt wasn't sure how that would work or even if he cared.
Glancing over at Puck, Kurt noticed the boy's lips, which looked all sorts of appealing, closed and yet somehow relaxed. Puck wouldn't leave Kurt hanging in the middle of a make out session. Puck didn't care that he had a girl's body. In fact, it probably made him more comfortable rather than less.
Looking away, Kurt wiped his face one more time before turning back and asking, "Would you want to kiss me?"
Puck smirked sort of lopsidedly and whispered, "Hells, yes," as he moved in. From the first press of lip to lip, Kurt felt relief wash over him, along with overwhelming excitement. He was kissing a boy who wanted to kiss him back and he just let go.
It felt so amazing that Kurt forgot where he was, forgot who he was, forgot everything except pulling the boy in front of him as close as possible. Somewhere between sucking on Puck's tongue and letting the boy kiss wet and open-mouthed down his neck, Kurt let Puck pull him up off the floor and settle him back against the bathroom counter. Kurt lifted himself up that last inch or so to sit on the counter, crossing his ankles behind Puck's legs and pulling him in.
He wasn't prepared for the sensation that ricocheted through his body when Puck rotated his hips ever so slightly. "Dear Gaga!" he hissed, again struck by how strange it felt for everything down south to be internal and not right out there, begging to be noticed.
Kurt also thought it was weird the way he didn't mind when Puck cupped one of his breasts through the flattening bra and the gender neutral top he'd been wearing for Blaine's sake. Instead, a deep thrill of want sliced up under Kurt's ribs, settling in his heart and deep, down low in his belly.
"Tell me you want me too," Kurt demanded as he took a deep breath between kisses. "Puck-"
"Want you so bad, Kurt," Puck breathed in response, meeting his eyes for the briefest of moments and a flash of truth. "I'm gonna make you feel so good, babe."
Then he leaned in again to suck at the skin under Kurt's ear, both hands grabbing at Kurt's waistband and fumbling with the buttons to get it open. It flitted through Kurt's mind that maybe he shouldn't be doing this - all indications pointed to the fact that he had just broken up with his boyfriend - but what came out of his mouth instead of a refusal was a low, throat-raw moan.
"Please," Kurt gasped as Puck's hand rubbed something wonderful through the underwear he still had on, "please let me get..."
"What?" Puck asked, his voice thick in his throat, backing up when Kurt pushed on him lightly. Kurt hopped off the counter and opened one of the drawers, digging around in the back until he found the box he wanted, returning triumphantly to Puck with a condom in his hand. "Oh," Puck smirked, looking a little surprised. Maybe he figured Kurt didn't want
to go all the way, but he felt like he couldn't stop now.
Kurt needed to know that someone, that Puck, found him attractive now that he was a girl - that he wasn't as disgusting as Blaine seemed to think. "Distract me," he told Puck, handing over the condom before pulling off his shirt.
"You got it, babe," Puck replied, following suit by getting rid of his own shirt, and then his pants, raising an eyebrow at Kurt in some sort of challenge. Kurt responded by getting rid of his bra - which made Puck get this glazed-over sort of look - and then his pants.
Everything after that was a blur of skin and heat, wet pleasure, a little bit of pain that blossomed into a building sense of relief. Kurt clung to Puck with both arms around the boy's shoulders, his hips perched on the edge of the bathroom counter, and a thigh held up by one
of Puck's big hands.
"Shit, Kurt," Puck whispered into his ear as they rocked together, more and more desperately. "God, the things you do to me, baby. So ... ah, so beautiful. I could fuck you all the time, just, all day. Forever. Think you'd like that?"
Kurt gasped in response, because Puck's free hand was between them, rubbing what Kurt guessed was his clit. When an overwhelming feeling tore through him, Kurt clenched his teeth and bore down on it, his body shaking uncontrollably with this wound-up sort of relief. It seemed to mean something to Puck, because he took his hand from between them and lifted Kurt's other leg, increasing the speed and depth of his thrusts in a way Kurt found oddly satisfying and not at all painful. Just a few moments later, Puck's hands clenched Kurt's legs tightly and he groaned into the junction of Kurt's neck and shoulder, thrusting maybe three more times before holding himself deep in Kurt's body, his cock pumping so hard, Kurt swore he could feel it all the way down to his own toes.
Kurt didn't know how long they stayed locked together, but it seemed like too long and not long enough when Puck pulled back with a sigh and a light kiss on Kurt's lips. "Babe," he whispered with a little smile, "that was so awesome."
"Mm," Kurt agreed, slipping off the counter to stand and get dressed. His legs felt shaky and weak and his head throbbed like it was trying to get him to lay down. Pulling on everything but his bra, Kurt announced softly, "I'm gonna go sleep. See you later, Puck."
"What, no kiss?" the boy teased as he bounced a little while pulling his pants up.
Kurt didn't know what it meant, sleeping with Puck, whether it was some sort of agreement to be the boy's girlfriend or if it was just a one-off, but it had been exactly what Kurt needed. Hedging his bets, Kurt smiled and leaned toward Puck, giving him a soft, slow kiss. God, even during a kiss like that, Puck was better at it than Blaine.
Maybe being trapped as a girl wasn't so bad after all.
Part 4