Sadness
*cross-posting*
I really like Christmas. I like the lights, and the company, and the feeling of good will, and since the kids are older I don't feel a lot of stress anymore. I tend to start decorating a lot later than many people, and every year I put out fewer 'things'. I'm decorating more with a sentimental eye. Ornaments that have been gifts, or that mean something to me, are what I like to see out now, and candles, lots of candles. Even the tree was less cluttered this year, due to a new kitten in the house, and my fear of having things broken. I liked the look, and will probably continue to decorate the tree like that in the future. It's all in part with my move toward a less-is-more type of lifestyle that I find myself adopting.
All in all it was a lovely, low key holiday. I hosted dinner for my family which includes my husband, and kids, my parent, and my two sisters, their husbands, and their four children. I usually host Christmas dinner; I enjoy doing it, and always get a lot of help from everyone. We had a bit of a problem with a super large, frozen turkey, but it all worked out. Then a few days later, the other half of the family came by for the evening, and a huge Chinese food feast. All in all a great holiday!
I don't usually get sad after Christmas. My winter blues usually come in February when winter seems to have been around forever, and there's no sun in sight. I also tend to have MS flare-ups in February, so it's just not my favourite month.
I've got the blues now.
First of all, my daughter left thirty minutes ago to go back to university, and that's always hard for me. She was here for three weeks this year, and after our initial, inevitable mother/daughter blow-up it was a great visit. We laughed a lot, watched some movies, shopped, talked, and I got to see some of her friends that I miss seeing when she's away. I'm not sure if she'll be home over March break or not, so I may not see her now until May, and I know it's not a long time, but it seems long to me.
However, the main reason for my state of mind is my dad. Thursday night I hosted my annual Christmas sleepover for my three nieces, and nephew. They like to come and spend more time with my kids, have pizza, play video games, watch movies, and generally hang with Auntie. Their ages are 9, 10, 12, and 13, with the boy being the youngest. I love it.
When my youngest sister dropped her kids off, she had news for me. Our father had just been told that he has stomach cancer. The final test hasn't been done, but it's 99% sure.
This isn't good.
He's already survived three different types of cancer, testicular, colon, and prostate, the last two within the past fifteen years, and the treatment has taken it's toll on him. He's only 75, but he was diagnosed with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) recently too, and he's gotten frail and tired. My first reaction when I heard the news was 'this is it'. I fear that he won't have the strength or will to fight again, and what's worse is that my sister, Liz, agrees with me. If one of us had been able to tell the other that it would be fine, that he'd get through this just fine, we both would have felt better, but that didn't happen this time. When I heard he had cancer before, I was sure he'd pull through with flying colours, and he did.
It feels different this time.
I hate that I feel this way. I feel sick, and sad, and scared to death this time. I'm worried about him, and my mom, and my sisters. I'm worried about his grandchildren. My parents live in a basement apartment with my sister Sharon, and I'm worried about her.
I'm worried about the whole family.
And I'm praying that it's all for nought. That he gets through this trial just like he got through all the others. That I'm being silly, and over-reactive, and I'm going to be proven wrong. I'll be delighted to be proven wrong.
But right now I'm sad.
I really like Christmas. I like the lights, and the company, and the feeling of good will, and since the kids are older I don't feel a lot of stress anymore. I tend to start decorating a lot later than many people, and every year I put out fewer 'things'. I'm decorating more with a sentimental eye. Ornaments that have been gifts, or that mean something to me, are what I like to see out now, and candles, lots of candles. Even the tree was less cluttered this year, due to a new kitten in the house, and my fear of having things broken. I liked the look, and will probably continue to decorate the tree like that in the future. It's all in part with my move toward a less-is-more type of lifestyle that I find myself adopting.
All in all it was a lovely, low key holiday. I hosted dinner for my family which includes my husband, and kids, my parent, and my two sisters, their husbands, and their four children. I usually host Christmas dinner; I enjoy doing it, and always get a lot of help from everyone. We had a bit of a problem with a super large, frozen turkey, but it all worked out. Then a few days later, the other half of the family came by for the evening, and a huge Chinese food feast. All in all a great holiday!
I don't usually get sad after Christmas. My winter blues usually come in February when winter seems to have been around forever, and there's no sun in sight. I also tend to have MS flare-ups in February, so it's just not my favourite month.
I've got the blues now.
First of all, my daughter left thirty minutes ago to go back to university, and that's always hard for me. She was here for three weeks this year, and after our initial, inevitable mother/daughter blow-up it was a great visit. We laughed a lot, watched some movies, shopped, talked, and I got to see some of her friends that I miss seeing when she's away. I'm not sure if she'll be home over March break or not, so I may not see her now until May, and I know it's not a long time, but it seems long to me.
However, the main reason for my state of mind is my dad. Thursday night I hosted my annual Christmas sleepover for my three nieces, and nephew. They like to come and spend more time with my kids, have pizza, play video games, watch movies, and generally hang with Auntie. Their ages are 9, 10, 12, and 13, with the boy being the youngest. I love it.
When my youngest sister dropped her kids off, she had news for me. Our father had just been told that he has stomach cancer. The final test hasn't been done, but it's 99% sure.
This isn't good.
He's already survived three different types of cancer, testicular, colon, and prostate, the last two within the past fifteen years, and the treatment has taken it's toll on him. He's only 75, but he was diagnosed with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) recently too, and he's gotten frail and tired. My first reaction when I heard the news was 'this is it'. I fear that he won't have the strength or will to fight again, and what's worse is that my sister, Liz, agrees with me. If one of us had been able to tell the other that it would be fine, that he'd get through this just fine, we both would have felt better, but that didn't happen this time. When I heard he had cancer before, I was sure he'd pull through with flying colours, and he did.
It feels different this time.
I hate that I feel this way. I feel sick, and sad, and scared to death this time. I'm worried about him, and my mom, and my sisters. I'm worried about his grandchildren. My parents live in a basement apartment with my sister Sharon, and I'm worried about her.
I'm worried about the whole family.
And I'm praying that it's all for nought. That he gets through this trial just like he got through all the others. That I'm being silly, and over-reactive, and I'm going to be proven wrong. I'll be delighted to be proven wrong.
But right now I'm sad.