(no subject)
I'm having some issues dealing with the current depression I seem to be in. The constant cycle of wanting to do something, but having no drive to do anything is really... demoralizing.
Sadly, chances are if anyone invites me out I'll say no. There is various reasons for this which, unfortunately I don't care enough to explain.
I remember when I was 16, I read an article about a early 30's male who had played video games his whole life.. Supposively he felt very uncomfortable in social situations and rarely had girlfriends. They labelled him as being generally depressed. Eventually he had enough and just killed himself. Sad? I thought so. Actually I thought, 'man, what a loser...'. Too bad now I feel like I'm that guy. And that... really really sucks.
I go to work to make money. I save money to buy crap I don't even need or really use. I can't justify spending a large sum of money to travel, because to me that's wasting the time I worked, and the time I travelled on a memory I probably won't have forever because my memory sucks. So I ask myself, why do I go to work? To give life purpose? If that's so then it's obviously not working out for me. Maybe I'm missing some life lessons here but I think this whole working to live is complete bullshit.
I depend so much on feeling loved by others to give my life meaning... I'd say that's my biggest flaw. I'm only happy when I can make someone else happy. I make friends and family happy by existing, apparently. But when it comes down to it, there's no hug when I'm feeling down. There is no cuddling when I'm lonely.
Look at right now... Who's around to talk to? My mom? She'd tell me it's time to go get anti-depressants. Thanks, tried that once before... made me a lot worse. I don't even know why I have a cell phone... I use it about once a week, other than to check the time, if I'm lucky.
The more I look at life, the less I wish I had one. I hate my own existance. Don't bother trying to cheer me up... it'll only work for about 10 minutes and then I'll feel worse.
Vacation starts August 1st, and honestly... I've lost the drive to go anywhere. I'm thinking I might just sit in this basement and drink because that's what I do best. Besides, what's the point of going somewhere on vacation by yourself, when you spend all your time by yourself anyway.
/sigh
Sadly, chances are if anyone invites me out I'll say no. There is various reasons for this which, unfortunately I don't care enough to explain.
I remember when I was 16, I read an article about a early 30's male who had played video games his whole life.. Supposively he felt very uncomfortable in social situations and rarely had girlfriends. They labelled him as being generally depressed. Eventually he had enough and just killed himself. Sad? I thought so. Actually I thought, 'man, what a loser...'. Too bad now I feel like I'm that guy. And that... really really sucks.
I go to work to make money. I save money to buy crap I don't even need or really use. I can't justify spending a large sum of money to travel, because to me that's wasting the time I worked, and the time I travelled on a memory I probably won't have forever because my memory sucks. So I ask myself, why do I go to work? To give life purpose? If that's so then it's obviously not working out for me. Maybe I'm missing some life lessons here but I think this whole working to live is complete bullshit.
I depend so much on feeling loved by others to give my life meaning... I'd say that's my biggest flaw. I'm only happy when I can make someone else happy. I make friends and family happy by existing, apparently. But when it comes down to it, there's no hug when I'm feeling down. There is no cuddling when I'm lonely.
Look at right now... Who's around to talk to? My mom? She'd tell me it's time to go get anti-depressants. Thanks, tried that once before... made me a lot worse. I don't even know why I have a cell phone... I use it about once a week, other than to check the time, if I'm lucky.
The more I look at life, the less I wish I had one. I hate my own existance. Don't bother trying to cheer me up... it'll only work for about 10 minutes and then I'll feel worse.
Vacation starts August 1st, and honestly... I've lost the drive to go anywhere. I'm thinking I might just sit in this basement and drink because that's what I do best. Besides, what's the point of going somewhere on vacation by yourself, when you spend all your time by yourself anyway.
/sigh