Fic: The Girl In The Mirror ‘Verse, Chapter 16: Forget Me Not...
Title: Girl In The Mirror ‘Verse, Chapter 16: Forget Me Not…
Or, if you're here from time_and_chips: The Forgotten Day (5/5)
Author: psyfi_geekgirl
BetaBabe: akkajemo
Characters/Pairings: Ten/Rose, Twelve, River
Rating: PG-13
Excerpt: Far too much had been revealed this day.
Word count: 6,238
Disclaimer: Until she’s Jossed, Twelve is mine-but of course based entirely on stuff that ain’t mine… All hail Auntie Beeb!
A/N*: Since most of this was written before s6, obviously some details have gone AU.
Note: This will be the last cross-posted entry to time_and_chips in this series. And while it is entered at time_and_chips as The Forgotten Day (5/5) to reduce confusion for people who might not otherwise be following this 'verse, postings will retain continuity in the chaptering here, the main GiTM posting.
If you’ve been reading from time_and_chips, thanks for dropping by! I hope you’ve been enticed to read the rest of Twelve’s adventures, but if not, I hope you’ve enjoyed this five parter!
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7
Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15
“Now then,” snarled the Twelfth Doctor, stepping forward to address the Daleks. She crossed with the Tenth Doctor to take control of the situation, the other Doctor yielding the floor to his future self in deference. “Correct me if I’m wrong, maniacal tin man,” her voice oozed with contempt, “but you’ve developed a technology that is way too unstable, even for you lot to control. Cos, CVEs are massive, and that thing is just a tiny gateway that slices into our universe” she said, pointing to the small glowing box on the floor.
Ten caught up. “Oooh, but she’s right, isn’t she? The Paradox Generator keeps the CVE tiny, maintaining the gateway into our universe from E-Space-Opposite Land. But CVEs are tetchy, aren’t they? Even under normal circumstances they’re notoriously unstable. So it takes the Paradox Generator to both condense the gateway into something that can fit in a spaceship, and keep it stable and viable. Am I right? I’m right aren’t I?”
“He loves it when he’s right… He’s right, isn’t he?” She turned to the other Doctor, “I think you’re right…” She grinned at him, pulling on her earlobe.
Besieged by both Doctors, the overwhelmed Dalek’s eyestalk jerkily moved from one Doctor to the other. “SILENCE! SILENCE! SILENCE!”
The Twelfth Doctor pressed her thumb to her forehead. “Oi! I… AM… TALKING!” she screamed at the Dalek, annoyed beyond reason to see yet another one of those stinking, evil things in her presence, after everything.
The red Dalek rolled backwards just a wee bit, programmed in its slimy, tentacled innards to fear the Oncoming Storm in whatever incarnation it assumed.
It fueled her righteous rage.
It reminded her that she was, indeed, still the Doctor.
But the Dalek’s fear did not last long.
”THE DOCTOR WILL PAY FOR THE CRIMES COMMITTED AGAINST THE DALEKS!”
“And just what does the Earth have to do with this?” yelled Ten.
“THE MOOG SUPPLIED A HOST SHIP TO BRING US TO THE DOCTOR. THE MOOG WILL HELP THE DALEKS PURIFY THE EARTH AND THE CHILDREN OF SKARO WILL RISE AMIDST THE ASHES OF THE HUMANS!”
“Yeah, I’ve seen this movie before, Daleks,” spat Twelve. “And it didn’t end too well for you, if I remember correctly!”
“THE DALEKS WILL USE OUR TECHNOLOGY TO STRIDE ACROSS THE UNIVERSES AND DEFEAT ALL WHO OPPOSE US… STARTING WITH YOU!”
“So, simply roll in, take over and destroy like B-movie monsters with a voice modulation disorder and give your lovely hosts a doggie bag of humanity?”
“This is just a doorway to a banquet of destruction,” muttered the Tenth Doctor. “And you’re holding it open with the Paradox Generator!”
“YES. WE CAN DESTROY YOUR WORLD WITHOUT ANY DAMAGE TO OURSELVES. WE HAVE THE PARADOX GENERATOR.”
The Twelfth Doctor sniffed, unimpressed. “Y’mean you had a Paradox Generator…”
She whipped out her sonic screwdriver and depressed it.
In a matter of seconds, a muffled blast sounded from somewhere within in the belly of the ship as River’s Tachyon Causality Pulse bomb started the chain reaction to the destruction of the Paradox Generator. The massive blast reached them four seconds later, the ground beneath them lurching sickeningly, like a ship in a tempest.
The two Doctors reached out to hold each other up.
They still had a few minutes until the paradox broke down, then they’d all be in danger.
Random sparks flew off some of the monitors in the wall, causing the Moog navigators to recoil.
“That concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is an actual emergency! You wankers are getting a one-way ticket back to E-Space!”
“YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!!!”
“Nope! I really don’t think so! Cos, here comes the cavalry!”
Suddenly, there was a blue flash and a snap of static electricity as Rose and River appeared between the Doctors.
Upon materializing, River started shooting out navigation computers, having already worked out the Moog’s plan from hacking into the main computers below and reading the ship’s logs. Moog navigators scattered for cover in a blind panic. Over the din of the electrical explosions and startled squealing, River called out to Rose: “NOW, Rose!”
Seeing the Daleks in front of her, Rose’s eyes grew wide, bewildered and shaken-Daleks? How could there be Daleks here after she’d killed them all?
“EXTERMINATE!” the Dalek screamed, “THE DOCTORS MUST BE EXTERMINATED!!”
“GO TO HELL, DALEKS!” screamed Rose, and she activated the Electromagnetic Pulse grenade she clutched in her hand.
In an instant, a percussive flash bathed the room in blinding light, momentarily taking away all sound. The EMP ripped through the CVE box on the floor, critically disrupting the signal, and causing a chain reaction that would pull the entire ship into E-Space.
The Daleks screamed and flickered out of view.
From his sentry position next to the Dalek’s E-Space cube, a Moog charged for Rose. Without hesitation, the Twelfth Doctor fired the squareness gun, opening up a hole in the floor; for if the Tenth Doctor was a man of no second chances, then the Twelfth was a woman of barely a first. After the Master, she had become less inclined to ask questions. And with Rose and her previous incarnation in danger, she would not think twice.
The Moog fell through the hole in the floor, disappearing.
The crippled ship lurched violently again.
The Doctors had had enough. They knew the Paradox Generator was losing its hold and the destroyed CVE would pull the ship back into E-Space once the paradox was lost. Not to mention the fact that both Doctors needed to leave the ship together before the paradox was broken-or Reapers would definitely become a factor…
Ten shouted over the din of small electrical explosions and sparks, “OUT NOW!”
River, Rose, and the two Doctors grabbed hands as River activated the Vortex Manipulator. In a blinding flash of blue and a burst of static electricity they were gone, leaving nothing behind but an acrid, metallic taste, and pure pandemonium aboard the doomed ship.
After appearing in a blast of static on the asphalt beneath the ship, both Doctors immediately released each other’s hands-two identically polarized magnets, repelling each other-and quickly stepped away from each other. Their eerily similar eyes met for an instant in attuned understanding-they would have to avoid touching from here on out.
If the Tenth Doctor was surprised to see someone other than an older version of Rose with another Doctor, he didn’t show it; for the Tenth Doctor was still struggling with the knowledge that he was looking at his future: The next doctor? Or, at least-one of. Just how far along into his future, he didn’t know…
But someday he was going to be a woman…
His thoughts were interrupted by a great, deafening crunch.
In an instant, the giant mothership hovering over South London winked out of existence, pulled back into E-Space by the destruction of the CVE and the Paradox Generator that had kept everything in place.
River and Rose squealed with delight, hopping up and down, shaking their fists at the nothingness that remained.
The two Doctors remained standing apart on the pavements, feeling reality punching a hole through their own existences-one filled with questions, the other filled with discomfort.
Far too much had been revealed this day.
River interrupted the Twelfth Doctor’s brooding, catching her up in a big hug, “Ohhhh, that was marvelous! You had their number from the start, you did!”
“Kinda, but I chipped a nail,” moaned the Twelfth Doctor petulantly, inspecting the damage to her glitter coat.
“Oh, my God!” River teased, “I’ll give you a manicure myself, you big baby!”
“Oh yeah, you’d love that,” she said, playfully touching her finger to River’s nose before calling, “Hey, Rose…” as the Twelfth Doctor turned to initiate a much longed for, celebratory hug with Rose.
She stopped dead in her tracks.
Rose Tyler was kissing the Doctor…
The Tenth Doctor…
Twelve staggered as she felt something akin to a sudden loss of cabin pressure. All the air left her lungs. Stifling a strangled groan in the back of her throat, she watched with amazement:
A kiss she would never remember.
She watched as Rose pressed up against the lean length of his pinstriped suit, sucking his lips with abandon as his hands tangled themselves feverishly into her hair. They hung onto each other with such fervor-arms tangled and hands clutching-that the Twelfth Doctor could feel the pull of their own gravity and the intensity of their generated heat from five paces away.
Reality seemed to warp and tear around her.
Hands limp and useless by her side, she fought the impulse to look away-as once again the Timelord was forced to watch Rose kiss another version of her Tenth self! And just like before, this felt like somebody else’s private moment, an intimate thing that shouldn’t be intruded upon, despite the fact that this was meant to have happened to her!
But she couldn’t remember it, not any of it! Absolutely nothing came crashing back to her-seeing it didn’t rewrite itself into her history and she didn’t find the memory of it mislaid under something else. Clearly this had happened, yet was erased completely from her mind.
And she still didn’t know how.
She stood there, a stranger to her own past.
How many things about her history would have changed if she could have remembered this moment? If she and Rose had remembered this day, what kinds of things would have occurred instead? Would Rose still have been lost just the same? Or could they have forged a different future together?
Would they have been free to love each other?
Her vision of the two, long thwarted lovers blurred, and the Twelfth Doctor blinked back her tears.
She finally looked away.
It was too much to bear.
Next to her, River was a study in stillness, not even daring to offer a simple gesture to comfort her. For despite her love for the Doctor, she still had the ultimate respect for Rose and how the Doctor felt about her. Not only because Rose’s actions on the Game Station had provided her Jack, but also because it was thanks to Rose that River had been able to get as close as she did to the Doctor, who had learned hard lessons as a result of his failure with Rose. River all too well understood the significance of this moment and what it would do to the Doctor to see this.
She could only watch as the Doctor’s hearts shattered into bits.
When Rose and Ten ultimately broke apart, they whispered things to each other that the Twelfth Doctor could not hear and would never remember. Brimming with regret, she forced herself to turn away again. River chewed on her lip, at a loss for how to console her.
The Twelfth Doctor startled as she felt Rose’s arms around her, pulling her into a hug.
“Seize the day, huh?” Rose whispered into her ear. “Seeing you taught me that.” Twelve choked out a garbled, ironic guffaw as Rose continued. “Cos you don’t know how long you’ve got, so y’better make it good, yeah?” The Twelfth Doctor nodded, gripping her tighter. She buried her face into Rose’s hair, breathing her in, conscious that it might be for the last time.
“So, this is how it happened, huh?” murmured Rose into the Doctor’s hair, “You and me, finally?”
The Doctor squeezed her eyelids shut just a little bit harder.
After she pulled away, the grin Rose gave her was nothing short of stellar. She looked like she had everything she wanted in life and was fully content. The Doctor had never seen Rose so happy-unless she counted a particular night in Chiswick, 2008...
Rose turned to give River a big hug and the other woman returned it, warmly. Whatever adventure the two had together below decks aboard the Paradox Ship, the Doctor was pleased (but not surprised) to see they had come to a mutual acceptance and understanding of each other.
“I say we all make a right good team! Don’t we, Doctor?” she said, joining her hands with Twelve’s, swinging them back and forth, tongue between her teeth.
The Tenth Doctor, still blushing from his clinch with Rose nodded wildly at her, attempting to process his overwhelm and just a little bit of fear. “Yep,” he agreed, finally breaking eye contact with Rose to look at River and ‘Janet,’ “I’d say. Couldn’t have done better myself.”
Twelve smirked knowingly at him.
Suddenly, a rippling pain in her head caused the Twelfth Doctor to pitch forwards. River and Rose yelled out to her in alarm and rushed over as she bent over, clutching her head. Seconds later, her former self reacted, reeling from a similar pain, although not as strongly.
“Omigod, what’s the matter with them?” Rose yelped, now rushing to the Tenth Doctor’s side.
River stayed with Twelve, and rubbing her back, helped her to straighten. “It’s an effect of the Tachyon Causality Bomb we used,” she explained. “As Timelords, they’re sensitive to the divergence in reality that destroyed the paradox!”
Both Doctors nodded, grimacing from the effects.
“It’ll pass soon…” Twelve reassured, but then clutched her head again as another wave hit her. Four seconds later, the Tenth Doctor responded-once again on a weaker level.
“We should get them inside the TARDIS,” River directed. “The TARDIS will buffer the effects from the bomb.”
“And…uh…” Rose snapped her fingers, “Tannins! They need tannins from tea to heal their brains-or sommat,” she said, remembering the recent lessons from the emotional disaster of Christmas, and how she felt she’d lost the Doctor forever.
Despite their headaches, both Doctors felt a swell of pride for their pink and yellow girl remembering the bit about the tannins.
They looked around. The Vortex jump had placed them in the outdoor market nearby to where the Twelfth Doctor had tried to buy milk earlier in the day.
The place was still deserted from the so-called invasion.
“Our TARDIS is right around the corner from here,” Rose offered.
River knew that their TARDIS was still blocks away yet. Indecisive, she glanced at the Twelfth Doctor, who squinted through her pain. “That’ll do. S’ok,” she reassured her.
Despite the warnings in her head, the Twelfth Doctor went. She knew that as long as she and her previous incarnation didn’t touch each other, they’d be right as rain, and Reaper free.
For there was also the riddle of how this day had been forgotten to finally crack, and the Doctor wasn’t going anywhere now that so many spoilers had been revealed…
******
The Twelfth Doctor swallowed hard catching sight of her old TARDIS as they walked up to it.
This had become an overwhelming day of unexpected reunions…
Rose opened the door and ushered River and the Twelfth Doctor inside first.
By the time they were inside and protected from the effects of the Tachyon Causality Bomb, both Doctors started to feel better. As a younger version, the effects from the divergence in reality on the Tenth Doctor were not as strong. He appeared to recover more quickly.
“I tell ya what, though,” Ten said as he leaned against the console, rubbing his head. “I feel bad for E-Space-bunch of rouge Daleks running around a tiny universe like that-“
“Yeah,” said Rose, thoughtfully, hating to think they’d gotten away. “But Doctor, I thought they’d all been destroyed-how’d they get there?”
The Tenth Doctor glanced at the Twelfth as she gingerly eased herself onto the jump seat. She shook her head, either not knowing or not telling. She had much more on her mind than Daleks and Tachyon effect headaches.
She was a ghost in her own home.
For even as the effects wore off, she strained to keep her emotions under control, her mind flashing with memories and feelings from long ago, now heightened by seeing Rose and her former self looking so happy, so at ease, and so obviously in love.
As the Tenth Doctor slid by her on the way to the monitor, she tried not to bristle, remembering that the strength of the TARDIS would be enough to negate any ill effects of temporal distortion from a Blinovitch Limitation Effect.
But still, with the way her luck had been going...
“…Weellll, looks like the great big mothership never existed now that the Paradox Generator was destroyed,” said the Tenth Doctor as he punched up information on the monitor. “I’m seeing that the internet is already abuzz with news stories that a group of terrorists bombed London Bridge, causing that bite that was taken out of it earlier…”
“So the whole day-everything that happened-will just disappear from memory?” Rose said, incredulously. “How is that possible? I remember it!”
The words came out automatically-the Twelfth Doctor, having explained the exact same thing to another companion years before: “We were at the eye of the storm. The only ones who’ll ever know…”
Despite both Doctors’ improvement, Rose watched them-and especially the Tenth-worriedly. Making sure they were both settled and comfortable, she announced she was going up to make the tea, and left with a playful ruffling of Ten’s hair.
As Rose headed upstairs, Twelve glanced at River, noting that she appeared to be having difficulty but for entirely different reasons. Having never been inside this version of the timeship before, River was undoubtedly struggling with her unfamiliarity. Her awe of the TARDIS’ interior (and the presence of an unknown Doctor) was genuine.
Ten must have felt better because he started talking-babbling about something, probably about E-Space-but Twelve sat, wrestling with the overwhelming waves of grief that washed over her as she tried to ignore the way the Tenth Doctor and Rose had looked at each other earlier as they’d held hands...
She was in a gingerbread house of calamity, and hoped she had the fortitude to escape it.
Yet the way things were going, they’d all be able to remember this day that only two of them were supposed to have forgotten! The continuum would change and the whole of history would distort-all because she still hadn’t figured out the mystery to how they had forgotten in the first place!
And this was the only reason she had seen it out this long-out of fear that her own past with Rose was being rewritten. And yet the longer she stayed, the more things seemed to unravel. Now here she was, about to take tea with her former self and her former companion! Her mind swirled with the myriad of distractions: The timelines, the possible ramifications, her headaches, the Tachyon effects, wave after wave of grief-and all the warnings in her head.
This was becoming more of a disaster the longer it took for her to puzzle it out. She simply couldn’t leave until it was solved!
And yet, when the Tenth Doctor invited River to unburden herself of her ubiquitous backpack, the Twelfth Doctor finally realised what had to be done…
There was a terrible pause in her mind as she grasped the implications of what was needed-and what she was about to do…
With a blank expression, she asked River for the backpack. She gave a quizzical look as she handed her the rucksack; but the colour drained from her face as she saw Doctor surreptitiously pull out the small, cylindrical, medicinal-like container from out of the bottom of the bag-the very same one that had been rolling around on the bottom-the same object the Doctor had spied in her bag of tricks after River had sprung them from their cell earlier…
Retcon…
It was all too easy, really.
River met Twelve’s eyes, wide with fear, both of them paralyzed with the realisation that the sole catalyst for the forgotten day had been bouncing around in her bag along with them the whole day.
The Doctor was the cause.
It was too horrible to think about.
River watched her as she quickly palmed and pocketed the pills with glassy-eyes. Wordlessly, she replaced the bag on the ground and declared she was going upstairs to help Rose with getting their tea.
River’s blood ran cold as she watched the Doctor head off.
It only took a couple of minutes to help fetch the tea, but the whole time the Doctor was gone, River found it difficult to concentrate on what the Tenth was saying to her.
She just felt so damned sorry for him.
When Rose and Twelve returned, the Tenth Doctor was still nattering on.
“--course by the time I’d found Romana, the Farrian manufactured CVE collapsed, destroying the entire Farrian battleship and everyone on board! But if the Daleks ever crack the mathematical code to stabilize a CVE, we’ll be seeing them again. We got off lucky this time!”
“Well then it’s a good thing you had your good luck charm,” said the Twelfth Doctor cheerily as she handed him their favourite mug with the spiked tea.
“Welllll, if it’s all the same to you,” he sniffed, “I find a rabbit’s foot a little easier to carry around with me. Plus, my kind of good luck charm doesn’t carry a squareness gun with them,” he said snidely as he brought the mug to his lips.
“Oh, you say that now,” said Twelve, winking at River, who smiled shyly back. “But you’re right, rabbits don’t often dress this stylishly, or have hair this great,” this time she winked at Rose. Her reaction mirrored River’s.
“Looks like you two are feeling better,” said Rose, handing a mug to River.
“Tyler tea-the cure-all for a variety of Timelord ills,” said Twelve with a sad smile. She sipped her tea.
It did nothing to warm her.
Meanwhile, River shifted the mug in her hand and snuck a glance at the Twelfth Doctor. Had she been retconned, too? Had they all been? She surreptitiously sniffed at it, finally catching the Doctor’s eye. The Doctor nodded and winked quickly at her, attempting to reassure her. Despite this encouragement, River’s throat muscles barely worked as she took a sip.
There was an awkward pause as the four of them stood silently sipping their tea, their heads full of divergent questions, fears and concerns.
Finally the Twelfth Doctor spoke first as she put her cup down on the console.
“Well…we hate to rush off, but I’m afraid River and I should head off to our own time,” she said, looking sadly to Rose.
Ten nodded, wanting to ask so much, but afraid to. “That’s probably for the best,” was about all he could manage. He gulped his tea to hide his uneasiness.
The Twelfth Doctor watched him drink, nervously. She knew he was preoccupied with evaluating the possibilities of what might happen with Rose once they left-at least, that’s what she would have ruminated over had the situation been reversed.
“Oh, I dunno,” said Rose, winking at her. “We could always use a couple of good ‘Time Agents-‘”
Suddenly, Rose seemed to falter. Her mug fell to the ground and shattered.
Alarmed, the Tenth Doctor yelled after her, “Rose!”
The Twelfth Doctor blinked, remembering that she’d picked the shards of the mysteriously broken mug out of the TARDIS’ undergrating for days…
Finally, something she remembered!
Slipping her arm around Rose as she slipped unconscious, the Twelfth Doctor steadied Rose against her. “No worries, old man. She’ll be fine.”
The Tenth Doctor looked grimly down into his mug. After watching it slosh around briefly, he reached out and placed it away from himself on the console, an expression of confusion and betrayal on his face. Before he could utter a word of angry denunciation and shatter her nerve, the Twelfth Doctor started talking, trying to reassure him.
She was trying to apologise for the unforgivable…
“It actually took me all this time to figure out why I couldn’t remember any of this… Never realised it would be me…” She said in a haunted monotone. “But the timeline has to be protected! You know that! And, I’m sorry…”
It really didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to remember any of this anyway.
She did it for herself.
He looked up at her; horrific realisation reflected in his brittle eyes… as he understood what would be lost.
“I’m really sorry,” the Twelfth repeated, tears in her eyes. “I’m so, so-River grab him!” she shouted as the other Doctor started to slump to the floor. River caught him around the waist, preventing him from falling, and together they wrestled their limp charges over to the jump seat.
Twelve stepped back. Surveying what she’d done, she brought her hands to her face and moaned in anguish.
“Doctor, we need to get out of here,” River implored.
“I know, but first we need to cover our tracks, account for the missing time.” She moved toward the unconscious Doctor and raised her hand to his temple. She stopped. “I can’t. I can’t touch him!”
“But we’re in the TARDIS, the temporal distortion will hold.”
“It’s not that,” she explained, “for ‘a door once opened can be stepped through in any direction.’ Even though he’s unconscious he can still glean information he’s not supposed to have in a linkage.” She groaned in frustration. “How can I…?”
She paused, under considerable duress and a sudden increase in the chronic, throbbing headache that never stopped.
Then she stilled.
Slowly turning to look at the TARDIS console, her eyes widened in realisation. “You-I can use you! Ohhhhh,” she moaned again, the peach pit in her stomach growing exponentially and sprouting a teeming forest of terror and bottomless dread.
She would have to interface with the ship.
“Doctor what is it? What’s wrong?”
“I am. Oh, it’s me-it’s always been me! Don’t you see? I have to interface with the TARDIS… I am the final act of the Paradox Generator!” Distressed, she ran her hands through her hair, working out details that were only now falling into place. “Oh sure it gets you and I and them here today but I’m about to tell her things about the future that she never should have known. Because now there are things she needs to know… Things she has to know…”
With one last tug on her hair, the Doctor let her hands hover hesitantly over the console, moving them down and then bringing them back up as if she were worried it would scald her. Gingerly, she touched the console, feeling her for the first time since entering, an old lover stroking achingly familiar flesh. “Hey, old girl,” she purred. “How’s my Sexy?” Instinctively, she knew her ship had recognised her from the moment she walked in.
Stroking the console, she allowed the TARDIS to link to her memories.
Bringing each one up like turning hay, she handed the foreknowledge over to the TARDIS, explaining chunks of it to River: “You see? Now she’ll know where to park on Krop Tor so I’ll find her; and how to negotiate the Vortex so we’d end up in Pete’s World-twice; and how to maintain and endure the Master’s paradox machine...”
The TARDIS tuned in to her in earnest and began to suck the memories out in greater rapidity.
The Doctor’s hands stopped stroking as the TARDIS plumbed her depths. Her breathing became laborious, and she talked with increasing emotion as the extracted memories flew by: “She’ll know about Big Bang Two, and that you’ll need to receive Churchill’s call at Stormcage. She’ll know to expect the fire in the Crucible and she’ll intercept a message to tell me to go to the Library!”
Tears flowed now and the Doctor struggled under the power of the psychic link, gasping and writhing in pain.
River stood, helpless, watching the Doctor relive some of the worst memories of her previous three incarnations and buffet herself against the onslaught of the foreign invasion into her neural pathways. Some of the things the Doctor said she didn’t understand, but she didn’t need to-she only knew that the Doctor was being forced to relive every risky chance-every near fatal torment of her last two incarnations-and every time that the TARDIS had covertly intervened.
And as the TARDIS kept taking bits of her memories, it hummed a little bit louder.
“She’ll know to take us to Utopia to get away from Jack and where to find safety from the Family of Blood. She’ll know how to rebuild herself after my Tenth regeneration and she’ll know how to influence me into spontaneous gender reassignment! Don’t you see!?”
Her voice rose in pitch as she fought to remain conscious and connected. The lights in the console room dimmed and flashed as the humming increased.
And still the ancient, sentient ship pulled harder…
“All this time she’ll have known about Gallifrey and so many other things!” She forced a manic laugh, “And she knew, she knew all along that we’d talk-but that so much would remain unsaid… I doubt I’ve had a random event occur in years!” Tears streamed down her face as she fell to her knees, her hands stuck to the console like sizzling flesh to a hot griddle as the ship pulled harder.
The console sparked.
River shielded her eyes and fought back the impulse to pull the Doctor free.
“But PLEASE!!” she pleaded, writhing in agony as the connection seared her neural pathways, “DON’T LET ME GO TO MARS!!!” the Doctor shrieked, but she knew it was useless:
The TARDIS would always take her where she needed to go…
“DOCTOR!!” River screamed, terrified that the TARDIS was overloading her. “Please!” she begged the sentient ship, “that’s ENOUGH! Let her go!!”
With a final, inhuman howl, the Doctor was released by the TARDIS. Her hands whipped off the console and she collapsed in a heap onto the floor, gasping for breath.
River ran over to her and cradled her in her arms as the Doctor wept.
They didn’t stay long. They knew they couldn’t. The Tenth Doctor and Rose would awake in roughly a quarter of an hour with no memory of the events of the last few hours beyond shopping in the Borough Market after arriving home from the Torchwood House in Victorian Scotland, en route to the Powell Estates. They’d be home in time for tea with Jackie, no worse for wear. The gap in their memory of only a few hours could be covered well enough by the TARDIS-and a little jiggery-pokery.
The Doctor would remember a strange sensation he’d felt in the market that would propel him into the surrounding alleys but would lead to nothing, and a broken mug on the TARDIS floor when they returned from a shopping trip that had seemed to last for hours.
They would see the news reports about the terrorist attack on the London Bridge that happened only blocks from them-but they would think nothing of it, grateful for having been spared another life-or-death-whodunit.
The Doctor would never remember the day until the Twelfth Doctor lived through the events, experiencing it all for the first time. And maybe it was for penance or punishment that the Twelfth Doctor would be forced to remember. But the truth was that she could have easily taken a sip of that tea before giving it to River to dump out. But she hadn’t. She couldn’t.
As a result, she and River became the sole caretakers of the memories of the day. Having no reasons to dose River, she would remember everything, too-and of course would recognise her Tenth self both as a statue in Gallifrey and upon seeing him years later in The Library. She would also be utterly bereft when the Tenth Doctor does not recognise her. Although how River had gotten so attached to that version of her after one afternoon was beyond her.
Were there spoilers still unaccounted for?
Of course, many things would be lost. The kiss, and whatever was said between them afterwards would be lost to time and a dissolved pill in the bottom of a teacup…
In a word, everything.
After helping dispose of the remaining evidence of tea things, the Doctor asked River to leave the TARDIS to allow the Doctor a few moments by herself. Standing there, alone with her past, the Doctor fought the urge to throw the parking break and whisk the three of them away and start anew.
For a moment, she even considered it-a life in the old TARDIS, with the Tenth Doctor and Rose. She could save them from so many missteps, so much danger, and so much needless loss…
But she couldn’t, really.
Because once they were outside of the TARDIS how would they cope with regular life? What would they do once the inevitable Reapers came…?
No. For there was a certain kind of poetry in the way her life would unfold, even if some of it caused her pain. It was pointless to indulge in fantasy-even worse to surrender to foolish impulsivity. Her life had to go on the way it had. A silly indulgence in denial wasn’t the answer.
Rose deserved to live out her life with a half-human Doctor. The Twelfth Doctor knew that any other outcome would only be self-serving and reprehensible. The Metacrisis was the Doctor’s best chance at reparation-and was the only happiness the Doctor would ever be able to provide Rose.
So instead, the Doctor touched Rose’s cheek for the last time. “Goodbye-Ro--“ Her breath hitched painfully. Tears falling, she gave her a lingering farewell kiss on the forehead.
She had no idea how she was going to have the strength to walk away.
She glanced at her former self as he slumbered on the jump seat, unawares. Avoiding contact with his skin, she tickled the tips of his spiky hair. She felt a great wave of affection for him in addition to the guilt and the devastating sorrow for him/herself and everything they’d soon have to endure.
Think about it, Doctor: One last day with your beloved. Which day would you choose?
Well, then. It would have to be this one, wouldn’t it…?
A wrenching pang swelled in her chest. Taking a risk, she grasped the sleeve of the Tenth Doctor’s suit and lifting his hand, she placed it in Rose’s. Thinking that maybe, just maybe…
Of course they wouldn’t.
Knowing time was running out, she backed down the ramp towards the door slowly, her blurry eyes locked on Rose as the tears fell in earnest now. She was two steps away from Rose now… four… six and a half…
Her back touched the doors.
She took a deep breath.
“Rose Tyler…”
Her bottom lip quivered as she fought to finally, finally get it out:
“I love you...”
Choking on her hiccupping breath and an endless wave of grief, she turned on her heel and strode out of the TARDIS at full speed, the door clicking behind her for the last time.
She had bolted about five meters past River before she stopped dead in her tracks.
She knew she had no right to shut River out of this. In fact, she needed her right now, and something awful.
But she could never be sure if River fully understood how she felt about her. The truth was that whatever she had had with Rose had been over long before she’d ever met River. And despite all the pain and anguish she’d suffered over the years with her loss-and the regret of all of her mistakes-after time, and regenerations, the pain had lessened and her hearts had reached out again.
It was the oldest story in the books, really: Man loves girl, man loses girl, man mourns girl, man learns important lessons, man gets the courage to try again…
For in River, the Doctor had regenerated his hearts. Of course, the Doctor would always love Rose-today certainly had proved that-but when push came to shove, Rose had never been completely hers. Perhaps it was part of that unresolved uncertainty that made it hurt so badly? Like a drug, Rose was maddeningly elusive; and sometimes drugs clouded the mind to reality.
Reality stood only five meters from the Doctor, her corkscrew curls floating in the breeze off the waterfront.
It was time to move on. It was time to heal old wounds. It was time to start anew.
Again…
The Doctor held out a trembling hand to River. She waited, holding her breath in anticipation.
Would River still choose her?
Warm fingers slipped into her hand. The Doctor’s breath hitched. Their palms pressed together. The soft, loving pressure from River’s hand held her reassuringly to the skin of the Earth, to the skin of her own body, to the fabric of reality, and to her future-whatever it may be.
Relief flooded her.
“He was a bit pretty, that other one…” River teased.
The Twelfth Doctor smiled wearily as they slowly began to walk away together towards home. “Really? Hadn’t noticed…”
“Umm Hmmm,” she hummed back, appreciatively. “Always leaving me something to look forward to, don’t you?”
The Doctor grimly squeezed her hand. They kept walking.
Someday, she would even have to say goodbye to River. But for now, she would take what would come.
After all, River was right-a life without spoilers-it was just better that way.
To be continued in Chapter 17: Ghost in the Machine
* In addition to NuWho references, Classic Who (The E-Space Trilogy) and DW audiobook Invasion of E-Space was referenced.
Or, if you're here from time_and_chips: The Forgotten Day (5/5)
Author: psyfi_geekgirl
BetaBabe: akkajemo
Characters/Pairings: Ten/Rose, Twelve, River
Rating: PG-13
Excerpt: Far too much had been revealed this day.
Word count: 6,238
Disclaimer: Until she’s Jossed, Twelve is mine-but of course based entirely on stuff that ain’t mine… All hail Auntie Beeb!
A/N*: Since most of this was written before s6, obviously some details have gone AU.
Note: This will be the last cross-posted entry to time_and_chips in this series. And while it is entered at time_and_chips as The Forgotten Day (5/5) to reduce confusion for people who might not otherwise be following this 'verse, postings will retain continuity in the chaptering here, the main GiTM posting.
If you’ve been reading from time_and_chips, thanks for dropping by! I hope you’ve been enticed to read the rest of Twelve’s adventures, but if not, I hope you’ve enjoyed this five parter!
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7
Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15
“Now then,” snarled the Twelfth Doctor, stepping forward to address the Daleks. She crossed with the Tenth Doctor to take control of the situation, the other Doctor yielding the floor to his future self in deference. “Correct me if I’m wrong, maniacal tin man,” her voice oozed with contempt, “but you’ve developed a technology that is way too unstable, even for you lot to control. Cos, CVEs are massive, and that thing is just a tiny gateway that slices into our universe” she said, pointing to the small glowing box on the floor.
Ten caught up. “Oooh, but she’s right, isn’t she? The Paradox Generator keeps the CVE tiny, maintaining the gateway into our universe from E-Space-Opposite Land. But CVEs are tetchy, aren’t they? Even under normal circumstances they’re notoriously unstable. So it takes the Paradox Generator to both condense the gateway into something that can fit in a spaceship, and keep it stable and viable. Am I right? I’m right aren’t I?”
“He loves it when he’s right… He’s right, isn’t he?” She turned to the other Doctor, “I think you’re right…” She grinned at him, pulling on her earlobe.
Besieged by both Doctors, the overwhelmed Dalek’s eyestalk jerkily moved from one Doctor to the other. “SILENCE! SILENCE! SILENCE!”
The Twelfth Doctor pressed her thumb to her forehead. “Oi! I… AM… TALKING!” she screamed at the Dalek, annoyed beyond reason to see yet another one of those stinking, evil things in her presence, after everything.
The red Dalek rolled backwards just a wee bit, programmed in its slimy, tentacled innards to fear the Oncoming Storm in whatever incarnation it assumed.
It fueled her righteous rage.
It reminded her that she was, indeed, still the Doctor.
But the Dalek’s fear did not last long.
”THE DOCTOR WILL PAY FOR THE CRIMES COMMITTED AGAINST THE DALEKS!”
“And just what does the Earth have to do with this?” yelled Ten.
“THE MOOG SUPPLIED A HOST SHIP TO BRING US TO THE DOCTOR. THE MOOG WILL HELP THE DALEKS PURIFY THE EARTH AND THE CHILDREN OF SKARO WILL RISE AMIDST THE ASHES OF THE HUMANS!”
“Yeah, I’ve seen this movie before, Daleks,” spat Twelve. “And it didn’t end too well for you, if I remember correctly!”
“THE DALEKS WILL USE OUR TECHNOLOGY TO STRIDE ACROSS THE UNIVERSES AND DEFEAT ALL WHO OPPOSE US… STARTING WITH YOU!”
“So, simply roll in, take over and destroy like B-movie monsters with a voice modulation disorder and give your lovely hosts a doggie bag of humanity?”
“This is just a doorway to a banquet of destruction,” muttered the Tenth Doctor. “And you’re holding it open with the Paradox Generator!”
“YES. WE CAN DESTROY YOUR WORLD WITHOUT ANY DAMAGE TO OURSELVES. WE HAVE THE PARADOX GENERATOR.”
The Twelfth Doctor sniffed, unimpressed. “Y’mean you had a Paradox Generator…”
She whipped out her sonic screwdriver and depressed it.
In a matter of seconds, a muffled blast sounded from somewhere within in the belly of the ship as River’s Tachyon Causality Pulse bomb started the chain reaction to the destruction of the Paradox Generator. The massive blast reached them four seconds later, the ground beneath them lurching sickeningly, like a ship in a tempest.
The two Doctors reached out to hold each other up.
They still had a few minutes until the paradox broke down, then they’d all be in danger.
Random sparks flew off some of the monitors in the wall, causing the Moog navigators to recoil.
“That concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is an actual emergency! You wankers are getting a one-way ticket back to E-Space!”
“YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!!!”
“Nope! I really don’t think so! Cos, here comes the cavalry!”
Suddenly, there was a blue flash and a snap of static electricity as Rose and River appeared between the Doctors.
Upon materializing, River started shooting out navigation computers, having already worked out the Moog’s plan from hacking into the main computers below and reading the ship’s logs. Moog navigators scattered for cover in a blind panic. Over the din of the electrical explosions and startled squealing, River called out to Rose: “NOW, Rose!”
Seeing the Daleks in front of her, Rose’s eyes grew wide, bewildered and shaken-Daleks? How could there be Daleks here after she’d killed them all?
“EXTERMINATE!” the Dalek screamed, “THE DOCTORS MUST BE EXTERMINATED!!”
“GO TO HELL, DALEKS!” screamed Rose, and she activated the Electromagnetic Pulse grenade she clutched in her hand.
In an instant, a percussive flash bathed the room in blinding light, momentarily taking away all sound. The EMP ripped through the CVE box on the floor, critically disrupting the signal, and causing a chain reaction that would pull the entire ship into E-Space.
The Daleks screamed and flickered out of view.
From his sentry position next to the Dalek’s E-Space cube, a Moog charged for Rose. Without hesitation, the Twelfth Doctor fired the squareness gun, opening up a hole in the floor; for if the Tenth Doctor was a man of no second chances, then the Twelfth was a woman of barely a first. After the Master, she had become less inclined to ask questions. And with Rose and her previous incarnation in danger, she would not think twice.
The Moog fell through the hole in the floor, disappearing.
The crippled ship lurched violently again.
The Doctors had had enough. They knew the Paradox Generator was losing its hold and the destroyed CVE would pull the ship back into E-Space once the paradox was lost. Not to mention the fact that both Doctors needed to leave the ship together before the paradox was broken-or Reapers would definitely become a factor…
Ten shouted over the din of small electrical explosions and sparks, “OUT NOW!”
River, Rose, and the two Doctors grabbed hands as River activated the Vortex Manipulator. In a blinding flash of blue and a burst of static electricity they were gone, leaving nothing behind but an acrid, metallic taste, and pure pandemonium aboard the doomed ship.
After appearing in a blast of static on the asphalt beneath the ship, both Doctors immediately released each other’s hands-two identically polarized magnets, repelling each other-and quickly stepped away from each other. Their eerily similar eyes met for an instant in attuned understanding-they would have to avoid touching from here on out.
If the Tenth Doctor was surprised to see someone other than an older version of Rose with another Doctor, he didn’t show it; for the Tenth Doctor was still struggling with the knowledge that he was looking at his future: The next doctor? Or, at least-one of. Just how far along into his future, he didn’t know…
But someday he was going to be a woman…
His thoughts were interrupted by a great, deafening crunch.
In an instant, the giant mothership hovering over South London winked out of existence, pulled back into E-Space by the destruction of the CVE and the Paradox Generator that had kept everything in place.
River and Rose squealed with delight, hopping up and down, shaking their fists at the nothingness that remained.
The two Doctors remained standing apart on the pavements, feeling reality punching a hole through their own existences-one filled with questions, the other filled with discomfort.
Far too much had been revealed this day.
River interrupted the Twelfth Doctor’s brooding, catching her up in a big hug, “Ohhhh, that was marvelous! You had their number from the start, you did!”
“Kinda, but I chipped a nail,” moaned the Twelfth Doctor petulantly, inspecting the damage to her glitter coat.
“Oh, my God!” River teased, “I’ll give you a manicure myself, you big baby!”
“Oh yeah, you’d love that,” she said, playfully touching her finger to River’s nose before calling, “Hey, Rose…” as the Twelfth Doctor turned to initiate a much longed for, celebratory hug with Rose.
She stopped dead in her tracks.
Rose Tyler was kissing the Doctor…
The Tenth Doctor…
Twelve staggered as she felt something akin to a sudden loss of cabin pressure. All the air left her lungs. Stifling a strangled groan in the back of her throat, she watched with amazement:
A kiss she would never remember.
She watched as Rose pressed up against the lean length of his pinstriped suit, sucking his lips with abandon as his hands tangled themselves feverishly into her hair. They hung onto each other with such fervor-arms tangled and hands clutching-that the Twelfth Doctor could feel the pull of their own gravity and the intensity of their generated heat from five paces away.
Reality seemed to warp and tear around her.
Hands limp and useless by her side, she fought the impulse to look away-as once again the Timelord was forced to watch Rose kiss another version of her Tenth self! And just like before, this felt like somebody else’s private moment, an intimate thing that shouldn’t be intruded upon, despite the fact that this was meant to have happened to her!
But she couldn’t remember it, not any of it! Absolutely nothing came crashing back to her-seeing it didn’t rewrite itself into her history and she didn’t find the memory of it mislaid under something else. Clearly this had happened, yet was erased completely from her mind.
And she still didn’t know how.
She stood there, a stranger to her own past.
How many things about her history would have changed if she could have remembered this moment? If she and Rose had remembered this day, what kinds of things would have occurred instead? Would Rose still have been lost just the same? Or could they have forged a different future together?
Would they have been free to love each other?
Her vision of the two, long thwarted lovers blurred, and the Twelfth Doctor blinked back her tears.
She finally looked away.
It was too much to bear.
Next to her, River was a study in stillness, not even daring to offer a simple gesture to comfort her. For despite her love for the Doctor, she still had the ultimate respect for Rose and how the Doctor felt about her. Not only because Rose’s actions on the Game Station had provided her Jack, but also because it was thanks to Rose that River had been able to get as close as she did to the Doctor, who had learned hard lessons as a result of his failure with Rose. River all too well understood the significance of this moment and what it would do to the Doctor to see this.
She could only watch as the Doctor’s hearts shattered into bits.
When Rose and Ten ultimately broke apart, they whispered things to each other that the Twelfth Doctor could not hear and would never remember. Brimming with regret, she forced herself to turn away again. River chewed on her lip, at a loss for how to console her.
The Twelfth Doctor startled as she felt Rose’s arms around her, pulling her into a hug.
“Seize the day, huh?” Rose whispered into her ear. “Seeing you taught me that.” Twelve choked out a garbled, ironic guffaw as Rose continued. “Cos you don’t know how long you’ve got, so y’better make it good, yeah?” The Twelfth Doctor nodded, gripping her tighter. She buried her face into Rose’s hair, breathing her in, conscious that it might be for the last time.
“So, this is how it happened, huh?” murmured Rose into the Doctor’s hair, “You and me, finally?”
The Doctor squeezed her eyelids shut just a little bit harder.
After she pulled away, the grin Rose gave her was nothing short of stellar. She looked like she had everything she wanted in life and was fully content. The Doctor had never seen Rose so happy-unless she counted a particular night in Chiswick, 2008...
Rose turned to give River a big hug and the other woman returned it, warmly. Whatever adventure the two had together below decks aboard the Paradox Ship, the Doctor was pleased (but not surprised) to see they had come to a mutual acceptance and understanding of each other.
“I say we all make a right good team! Don’t we, Doctor?” she said, joining her hands with Twelve’s, swinging them back and forth, tongue between her teeth.
The Tenth Doctor, still blushing from his clinch with Rose nodded wildly at her, attempting to process his overwhelm and just a little bit of fear. “Yep,” he agreed, finally breaking eye contact with Rose to look at River and ‘Janet,’ “I’d say. Couldn’t have done better myself.”
Twelve smirked knowingly at him.
Suddenly, a rippling pain in her head caused the Twelfth Doctor to pitch forwards. River and Rose yelled out to her in alarm and rushed over as she bent over, clutching her head. Seconds later, her former self reacted, reeling from a similar pain, although not as strongly.
“Omigod, what’s the matter with them?” Rose yelped, now rushing to the Tenth Doctor’s side.
River stayed with Twelve, and rubbing her back, helped her to straighten. “It’s an effect of the Tachyon Causality Bomb we used,” she explained. “As Timelords, they’re sensitive to the divergence in reality that destroyed the paradox!”
Both Doctors nodded, grimacing from the effects.
“It’ll pass soon…” Twelve reassured, but then clutched her head again as another wave hit her. Four seconds later, the Tenth Doctor responded-once again on a weaker level.
“We should get them inside the TARDIS,” River directed. “The TARDIS will buffer the effects from the bomb.”
“And…uh…” Rose snapped her fingers, “Tannins! They need tannins from tea to heal their brains-or sommat,” she said, remembering the recent lessons from the emotional disaster of Christmas, and how she felt she’d lost the Doctor forever.
Despite their headaches, both Doctors felt a swell of pride for their pink and yellow girl remembering the bit about the tannins.
They looked around. The Vortex jump had placed them in the outdoor market nearby to where the Twelfth Doctor had tried to buy milk earlier in the day.
The place was still deserted from the so-called invasion.
“Our TARDIS is right around the corner from here,” Rose offered.
River knew that their TARDIS was still blocks away yet. Indecisive, she glanced at the Twelfth Doctor, who squinted through her pain. “That’ll do. S’ok,” she reassured her.
Despite the warnings in her head, the Twelfth Doctor went. She knew that as long as she and her previous incarnation didn’t touch each other, they’d be right as rain, and Reaper free.
For there was also the riddle of how this day had been forgotten to finally crack, and the Doctor wasn’t going anywhere now that so many spoilers had been revealed…
******
The Twelfth Doctor swallowed hard catching sight of her old TARDIS as they walked up to it.
This had become an overwhelming day of unexpected reunions…
Rose opened the door and ushered River and the Twelfth Doctor inside first.
By the time they were inside and protected from the effects of the Tachyon Causality Bomb, both Doctors started to feel better. As a younger version, the effects from the divergence in reality on the Tenth Doctor were not as strong. He appeared to recover more quickly.
“I tell ya what, though,” Ten said as he leaned against the console, rubbing his head. “I feel bad for E-Space-bunch of rouge Daleks running around a tiny universe like that-“
“Yeah,” said Rose, thoughtfully, hating to think they’d gotten away. “But Doctor, I thought they’d all been destroyed-how’d they get there?”
The Tenth Doctor glanced at the Twelfth as she gingerly eased herself onto the jump seat. She shook her head, either not knowing or not telling. She had much more on her mind than Daleks and Tachyon effect headaches.
She was a ghost in her own home.
For even as the effects wore off, she strained to keep her emotions under control, her mind flashing with memories and feelings from long ago, now heightened by seeing Rose and her former self looking so happy, so at ease, and so obviously in love.
As the Tenth Doctor slid by her on the way to the monitor, she tried not to bristle, remembering that the strength of the TARDIS would be enough to negate any ill effects of temporal distortion from a Blinovitch Limitation Effect.
But still, with the way her luck had been going...
“…Weellll, looks like the great big mothership never existed now that the Paradox Generator was destroyed,” said the Tenth Doctor as he punched up information on the monitor. “I’m seeing that the internet is already abuzz with news stories that a group of terrorists bombed London Bridge, causing that bite that was taken out of it earlier…”
“So the whole day-everything that happened-will just disappear from memory?” Rose said, incredulously. “How is that possible? I remember it!”
The words came out automatically-the Twelfth Doctor, having explained the exact same thing to another companion years before: “We were at the eye of the storm. The only ones who’ll ever know…”
Despite both Doctors’ improvement, Rose watched them-and especially the Tenth-worriedly. Making sure they were both settled and comfortable, she announced she was going up to make the tea, and left with a playful ruffling of Ten’s hair.
As Rose headed upstairs, Twelve glanced at River, noting that she appeared to be having difficulty but for entirely different reasons. Having never been inside this version of the timeship before, River was undoubtedly struggling with her unfamiliarity. Her awe of the TARDIS’ interior (and the presence of an unknown Doctor) was genuine.
Ten must have felt better because he started talking-babbling about something, probably about E-Space-but Twelve sat, wrestling with the overwhelming waves of grief that washed over her as she tried to ignore the way the Tenth Doctor and Rose had looked at each other earlier as they’d held hands...
She was in a gingerbread house of calamity, and hoped she had the fortitude to escape it.
Yet the way things were going, they’d all be able to remember this day that only two of them were supposed to have forgotten! The continuum would change and the whole of history would distort-all because she still hadn’t figured out the mystery to how they had forgotten in the first place!
And this was the only reason she had seen it out this long-out of fear that her own past with Rose was being rewritten. And yet the longer she stayed, the more things seemed to unravel. Now here she was, about to take tea with her former self and her former companion! Her mind swirled with the myriad of distractions: The timelines, the possible ramifications, her headaches, the Tachyon effects, wave after wave of grief-and all the warnings in her head.
This was becoming more of a disaster the longer it took for her to puzzle it out. She simply couldn’t leave until it was solved!
And yet, when the Tenth Doctor invited River to unburden herself of her ubiquitous backpack, the Twelfth Doctor finally realised what had to be done…
There was a terrible pause in her mind as she grasped the implications of what was needed-and what she was about to do…
With a blank expression, she asked River for the backpack. She gave a quizzical look as she handed her the rucksack; but the colour drained from her face as she saw Doctor surreptitiously pull out the small, cylindrical, medicinal-like container from out of the bottom of the bag-the very same one that had been rolling around on the bottom-the same object the Doctor had spied in her bag of tricks after River had sprung them from their cell earlier…
Retcon…
It was all too easy, really.
River met Twelve’s eyes, wide with fear, both of them paralyzed with the realisation that the sole catalyst for the forgotten day had been bouncing around in her bag along with them the whole day.
The Doctor was the cause.
It was too horrible to think about.
River watched her as she quickly palmed and pocketed the pills with glassy-eyes. Wordlessly, she replaced the bag on the ground and declared she was going upstairs to help Rose with getting their tea.
River’s blood ran cold as she watched the Doctor head off.
It only took a couple of minutes to help fetch the tea, but the whole time the Doctor was gone, River found it difficult to concentrate on what the Tenth was saying to her.
She just felt so damned sorry for him.
When Rose and Twelve returned, the Tenth Doctor was still nattering on.
“--course by the time I’d found Romana, the Farrian manufactured CVE collapsed, destroying the entire Farrian battleship and everyone on board! But if the Daleks ever crack the mathematical code to stabilize a CVE, we’ll be seeing them again. We got off lucky this time!”
“Well then it’s a good thing you had your good luck charm,” said the Twelfth Doctor cheerily as she handed him their favourite mug with the spiked tea.
“Welllll, if it’s all the same to you,” he sniffed, “I find a rabbit’s foot a little easier to carry around with me. Plus, my kind of good luck charm doesn’t carry a squareness gun with them,” he said snidely as he brought the mug to his lips.
“Oh, you say that now,” said Twelve, winking at River, who smiled shyly back. “But you’re right, rabbits don’t often dress this stylishly, or have hair this great,” this time she winked at Rose. Her reaction mirrored River’s.
“Looks like you two are feeling better,” said Rose, handing a mug to River.
“Tyler tea-the cure-all for a variety of Timelord ills,” said Twelve with a sad smile. She sipped her tea.
It did nothing to warm her.
Meanwhile, River shifted the mug in her hand and snuck a glance at the Twelfth Doctor. Had she been retconned, too? Had they all been? She surreptitiously sniffed at it, finally catching the Doctor’s eye. The Doctor nodded and winked quickly at her, attempting to reassure her. Despite this encouragement, River’s throat muscles barely worked as she took a sip.
There was an awkward pause as the four of them stood silently sipping their tea, their heads full of divergent questions, fears and concerns.
Finally the Twelfth Doctor spoke first as she put her cup down on the console.
“Well…we hate to rush off, but I’m afraid River and I should head off to our own time,” she said, looking sadly to Rose.
Ten nodded, wanting to ask so much, but afraid to. “That’s probably for the best,” was about all he could manage. He gulped his tea to hide his uneasiness.
The Twelfth Doctor watched him drink, nervously. She knew he was preoccupied with evaluating the possibilities of what might happen with Rose once they left-at least, that’s what she would have ruminated over had the situation been reversed.
“Oh, I dunno,” said Rose, winking at her. “We could always use a couple of good ‘Time Agents-‘”
Suddenly, Rose seemed to falter. Her mug fell to the ground and shattered.
Alarmed, the Tenth Doctor yelled after her, “Rose!”
The Twelfth Doctor blinked, remembering that she’d picked the shards of the mysteriously broken mug out of the TARDIS’ undergrating for days…
Finally, something she remembered!
Slipping her arm around Rose as she slipped unconscious, the Twelfth Doctor steadied Rose against her. “No worries, old man. She’ll be fine.”
The Tenth Doctor looked grimly down into his mug. After watching it slosh around briefly, he reached out and placed it away from himself on the console, an expression of confusion and betrayal on his face. Before he could utter a word of angry denunciation and shatter her nerve, the Twelfth Doctor started talking, trying to reassure him.
She was trying to apologise for the unforgivable…
“It actually took me all this time to figure out why I couldn’t remember any of this… Never realised it would be me…” She said in a haunted monotone. “But the timeline has to be protected! You know that! And, I’m sorry…”
It really didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to remember any of this anyway.
She did it for herself.
He looked up at her; horrific realisation reflected in his brittle eyes… as he understood what would be lost.
“I’m really sorry,” the Twelfth repeated, tears in her eyes. “I’m so, so-River grab him!” she shouted as the other Doctor started to slump to the floor. River caught him around the waist, preventing him from falling, and together they wrestled their limp charges over to the jump seat.
Twelve stepped back. Surveying what she’d done, she brought her hands to her face and moaned in anguish.
“Doctor, we need to get out of here,” River implored.
“I know, but first we need to cover our tracks, account for the missing time.” She moved toward the unconscious Doctor and raised her hand to his temple. She stopped. “I can’t. I can’t touch him!”
“But we’re in the TARDIS, the temporal distortion will hold.”
“It’s not that,” she explained, “for ‘a door once opened can be stepped through in any direction.’ Even though he’s unconscious he can still glean information he’s not supposed to have in a linkage.” She groaned in frustration. “How can I…?”
She paused, under considerable duress and a sudden increase in the chronic, throbbing headache that never stopped.
Then she stilled.
Slowly turning to look at the TARDIS console, her eyes widened in realisation. “You-I can use you! Ohhhhh,” she moaned again, the peach pit in her stomach growing exponentially and sprouting a teeming forest of terror and bottomless dread.
She would have to interface with the ship.
“Doctor what is it? What’s wrong?”
“I am. Oh, it’s me-it’s always been me! Don’t you see? I have to interface with the TARDIS… I am the final act of the Paradox Generator!” Distressed, she ran her hands through her hair, working out details that were only now falling into place. “Oh sure it gets you and I and them here today but I’m about to tell her things about the future that she never should have known. Because now there are things she needs to know… Things she has to know…”
With one last tug on her hair, the Doctor let her hands hover hesitantly over the console, moving them down and then bringing them back up as if she were worried it would scald her. Gingerly, she touched the console, feeling her for the first time since entering, an old lover stroking achingly familiar flesh. “Hey, old girl,” she purred. “How’s my Sexy?” Instinctively, she knew her ship had recognised her from the moment she walked in.
Stroking the console, she allowed the TARDIS to link to her memories.
Bringing each one up like turning hay, she handed the foreknowledge over to the TARDIS, explaining chunks of it to River: “You see? Now she’ll know where to park on Krop Tor so I’ll find her; and how to negotiate the Vortex so we’d end up in Pete’s World-twice; and how to maintain and endure the Master’s paradox machine...”
The TARDIS tuned in to her in earnest and began to suck the memories out in greater rapidity.
The Doctor’s hands stopped stroking as the TARDIS plumbed her depths. Her breathing became laborious, and she talked with increasing emotion as the extracted memories flew by: “She’ll know about Big Bang Two, and that you’ll need to receive Churchill’s call at Stormcage. She’ll know to expect the fire in the Crucible and she’ll intercept a message to tell me to go to the Library!”
Tears flowed now and the Doctor struggled under the power of the psychic link, gasping and writhing in pain.
River stood, helpless, watching the Doctor relive some of the worst memories of her previous three incarnations and buffet herself against the onslaught of the foreign invasion into her neural pathways. Some of the things the Doctor said she didn’t understand, but she didn’t need to-she only knew that the Doctor was being forced to relive every risky chance-every near fatal torment of her last two incarnations-and every time that the TARDIS had covertly intervened.
And as the TARDIS kept taking bits of her memories, it hummed a little bit louder.
“She’ll know to take us to Utopia to get away from Jack and where to find safety from the Family of Blood. She’ll know how to rebuild herself after my Tenth regeneration and she’ll know how to influence me into spontaneous gender reassignment! Don’t you see!?”
Her voice rose in pitch as she fought to remain conscious and connected. The lights in the console room dimmed and flashed as the humming increased.
And still the ancient, sentient ship pulled harder…
“All this time she’ll have known about Gallifrey and so many other things!” She forced a manic laugh, “And she knew, she knew all along that we’d talk-but that so much would remain unsaid… I doubt I’ve had a random event occur in years!” Tears streamed down her face as she fell to her knees, her hands stuck to the console like sizzling flesh to a hot griddle as the ship pulled harder.
The console sparked.
River shielded her eyes and fought back the impulse to pull the Doctor free.
“But PLEASE!!” she pleaded, writhing in agony as the connection seared her neural pathways, “DON’T LET ME GO TO MARS!!!” the Doctor shrieked, but she knew it was useless:
The TARDIS would always take her where she needed to go…
“DOCTOR!!” River screamed, terrified that the TARDIS was overloading her. “Please!” she begged the sentient ship, “that’s ENOUGH! Let her go!!”
With a final, inhuman howl, the Doctor was released by the TARDIS. Her hands whipped off the console and she collapsed in a heap onto the floor, gasping for breath.
River ran over to her and cradled her in her arms as the Doctor wept.
They didn’t stay long. They knew they couldn’t. The Tenth Doctor and Rose would awake in roughly a quarter of an hour with no memory of the events of the last few hours beyond shopping in the Borough Market after arriving home from the Torchwood House in Victorian Scotland, en route to the Powell Estates. They’d be home in time for tea with Jackie, no worse for wear. The gap in their memory of only a few hours could be covered well enough by the TARDIS-and a little jiggery-pokery.
The Doctor would remember a strange sensation he’d felt in the market that would propel him into the surrounding alleys but would lead to nothing, and a broken mug on the TARDIS floor when they returned from a shopping trip that had seemed to last for hours.
They would see the news reports about the terrorist attack on the London Bridge that happened only blocks from them-but they would think nothing of it, grateful for having been spared another life-or-death-whodunit.
The Doctor would never remember the day until the Twelfth Doctor lived through the events, experiencing it all for the first time. And maybe it was for penance or punishment that the Twelfth Doctor would be forced to remember. But the truth was that she could have easily taken a sip of that tea before giving it to River to dump out. But she hadn’t. She couldn’t.
As a result, she and River became the sole caretakers of the memories of the day. Having no reasons to dose River, she would remember everything, too-and of course would recognise her Tenth self both as a statue in Gallifrey and upon seeing him years later in The Library. She would also be utterly bereft when the Tenth Doctor does not recognise her. Although how River had gotten so attached to that version of her after one afternoon was beyond her.
Were there spoilers still unaccounted for?
Of course, many things would be lost. The kiss, and whatever was said between them afterwards would be lost to time and a dissolved pill in the bottom of a teacup…
In a word, everything.
After helping dispose of the remaining evidence of tea things, the Doctor asked River to leave the TARDIS to allow the Doctor a few moments by herself. Standing there, alone with her past, the Doctor fought the urge to throw the parking break and whisk the three of them away and start anew.
For a moment, she even considered it-a life in the old TARDIS, with the Tenth Doctor and Rose. She could save them from so many missteps, so much danger, and so much needless loss…
But she couldn’t, really.
Because once they were outside of the TARDIS how would they cope with regular life? What would they do once the inevitable Reapers came…?
No. For there was a certain kind of poetry in the way her life would unfold, even if some of it caused her pain. It was pointless to indulge in fantasy-even worse to surrender to foolish impulsivity. Her life had to go on the way it had. A silly indulgence in denial wasn’t the answer.
Rose deserved to live out her life with a half-human Doctor. The Twelfth Doctor knew that any other outcome would only be self-serving and reprehensible. The Metacrisis was the Doctor’s best chance at reparation-and was the only happiness the Doctor would ever be able to provide Rose.
So instead, the Doctor touched Rose’s cheek for the last time. “Goodbye-Ro--“ Her breath hitched painfully. Tears falling, she gave her a lingering farewell kiss on the forehead.
She had no idea how she was going to have the strength to walk away.
She glanced at her former self as he slumbered on the jump seat, unawares. Avoiding contact with his skin, she tickled the tips of his spiky hair. She felt a great wave of affection for him in addition to the guilt and the devastating sorrow for him/herself and everything they’d soon have to endure.
Think about it, Doctor: One last day with your beloved. Which day would you choose?
Well, then. It would have to be this one, wouldn’t it…?
A wrenching pang swelled in her chest. Taking a risk, she grasped the sleeve of the Tenth Doctor’s suit and lifting his hand, she placed it in Rose’s. Thinking that maybe, just maybe…
Of course they wouldn’t.
Knowing time was running out, she backed down the ramp towards the door slowly, her blurry eyes locked on Rose as the tears fell in earnest now. She was two steps away from Rose now… four… six and a half…
Her back touched the doors.
She took a deep breath.
“Rose Tyler…”
Her bottom lip quivered as she fought to finally, finally get it out:
“I love you...”
Choking on her hiccupping breath and an endless wave of grief, she turned on her heel and strode out of the TARDIS at full speed, the door clicking behind her for the last time.
She had bolted about five meters past River before she stopped dead in her tracks.
She knew she had no right to shut River out of this. In fact, she needed her right now, and something awful.
But she could never be sure if River fully understood how she felt about her. The truth was that whatever she had had with Rose had been over long before she’d ever met River. And despite all the pain and anguish she’d suffered over the years with her loss-and the regret of all of her mistakes-after time, and regenerations, the pain had lessened and her hearts had reached out again.
It was the oldest story in the books, really: Man loves girl, man loses girl, man mourns girl, man learns important lessons, man gets the courage to try again…
For in River, the Doctor had regenerated his hearts. Of course, the Doctor would always love Rose-today certainly had proved that-but when push came to shove, Rose had never been completely hers. Perhaps it was part of that unresolved uncertainty that made it hurt so badly? Like a drug, Rose was maddeningly elusive; and sometimes drugs clouded the mind to reality.
Reality stood only five meters from the Doctor, her corkscrew curls floating in the breeze off the waterfront.
It was time to move on. It was time to heal old wounds. It was time to start anew.
Again…
The Doctor held out a trembling hand to River. She waited, holding her breath in anticipation.
Would River still choose her?
Warm fingers slipped into her hand. The Doctor’s breath hitched. Their palms pressed together. The soft, loving pressure from River’s hand held her reassuringly to the skin of the Earth, to the skin of her own body, to the fabric of reality, and to her future-whatever it may be.
Relief flooded her.
“He was a bit pretty, that other one…” River teased.
The Twelfth Doctor smiled wearily as they slowly began to walk away together towards home. “Really? Hadn’t noticed…”
“Umm Hmmm,” she hummed back, appreciatively. “Always leaving me something to look forward to, don’t you?”
The Doctor grimly squeezed her hand. They kept walking.
Someday, she would even have to say goodbye to River. But for now, she would take what would come.
After all, River was right-a life without spoilers-it was just better that way.
To be continued in Chapter 17: Ghost in the Machine
* In addition to NuWho references, Classic Who (The E-Space Trilogy) and DW audiobook Invasion of E-Space was referenced.