I just don't fucking get it
I don't get what's wrong with me
It's like a second dose of teen angst...but not really. I don't think I'm always right, I don't hate my parents, I don't think that no one understands me... I'm just so frustrated. Anything can set me off, and then I get into this blah-whatever mood, and sometimes it lingers. And then sometimes it leaves. And then I feel like an asshole.
Lately its been Pete setting me off, and I don't even know why. Maybe I'm just lashing out at anybody, maybe it's cause I feel comfortable with him... but I think that would be all subconcious. Sometimes I feel like he should be able to read my mind. Or sometimes I want him to be in the same mood I am, and when he's not, I get upset. Or sometimes it's just something trivial, something he says and it's like I'm pulled under into this place where all I want to do is yell at him, or even worse, passively aggress at him. I just get quiet and short and expect him to ask me what's wrong, and if he doesn't, I get even more pissed. Or if he's frustrated that I'm upset, I get more pissed. Or pretty much anything he does just gets me more and more upset. And I just don't get it.
Or if he's in a good mood and I'm in a bad mood, I get pissed. Maybe it's because I'm jealous that he's happy or spunky or playful or whatever. Maybe it's because misery loves company. Maybe it's because I want him to comfort me. I dunno. But it's killing me because all I seem to do is get upset at him. And I don't want to push him away. Why the hell am I doing things that I used to do before? I thought I was done with this whole miserable irratible bullshit.
It seems like I'm always annoyed with him. I don't know why. I don't know what's going on. And then naturally, my paranoia sets in and I just envision him dumping me over the phone after I've pissed him off for the last time. I get scared that I'm so expendable. Sometimes I really believe that he could just leave me like that. That he won't want to look past that part of me and see who I really am.
And then, I think about my future and I just don't want to do it. I don't want to grow up or go to grad school or become a therapist or do any of that. What I really want is to do theatre, so badly. But it doesn't make good money, and it's not a suitable career to be in when starting a family. But God, if I could do that for the rest of my life...but I can't. And I know there comes a time in life where everyone has to grow up and give up their dreams, but I'm fighting it so hard. And I just need to give up. But there's so much more I need to learn and experience and develop. Plus I know my other half will probably throw a party once I'm done with theatre. I can't do it in grad school. I need to focus on psych and surviving.
I think I just need to run away. That's what I'll do, I'll peace out, and no more pity parties over blogs. Gah