I don't know. School, life, stuff...
So I'm not at a very great place right now. I need to fix it and I'm not sure how pleasant the process of fixing it will be. I need to either try to salvage this semester, which I don't think is possible, or try to set up next semester to be more successful. I don't really feel like trying a new university anytime soon. I suppose that if I really need to I can go to TSTC this summer, or this fall, it might be too late for the summer semester I don't know yet. And maybe I should just hold a job this summer to save up some money. I do want to try to stay in music at UTB but last semester I let a lot of things crash and burn, and then this semester I've completely bailed out because I can't get there since my car has failed me and the only rides that I know of to get there leave at 8AM and I'm a little bitch so I don't wake up and get going fast enough. And I didn't sign up for any early morning classes so I didn't see any reason to go that early, except for that it's the only alternative since my car sucks. But so many times I asked Bobby for a ride, and then bailed on him. I'd oversleep and not text him to let him know, or I'd text him when he was already headed this way. And then I was just left feeling bad and stuff. I don't know, I know it's only a bit out of his way, but asking for a ride and then oversleeping everyday was making me feel really bad. I only missed a few days...I started to drive myself quite a few days. And then I was sick for a week, so I missed that week. Then I went back Monday for Master Chorale, and we didn't have class Wednesday. I ended up missing the whole week cuz I still felt sick (the week of TMEA). And then when I tried to drive to school the following week my car was acting up so I just skipped school and pretended to be at school by going to HEB or Kmart, or Wal-Mart, or whatever. Just blowing time. And it worked. But then I tried to go to school one Monday for real, because I wasn't already really late, and well my car was like "fuck you, I ain't drivin to no brownsville!!" and made this wretched noise and stuff...so I was like damn it and went to HEB and got some stuff and came home and told her the car was acting up. I haven't been back since. I'm stupid. But I don't know, the only other option was to start getting rides from Bobby after TMEA and start going again, at least stayed in Master Chorale and applied. But I didn't. So now I need to drop before the deadline so that I'm not placed on Academic Suspension. Urgh. And maybe I can try again next fall. But only if I really fix my situation enough so that I think I'll be able to succeed.
We NEED to MOVE to Brownsville if I'm going to try to do this again. And I'm probably going to need to get a work study job or some sort of job nearby. And have Jessica find a job close by too. [She should learn to drive again so she can get a drivers license and drive if she needs to] I need to get a better vehicle. I keep imagining myself getting that truck and finding jobs and an apartment and everything being great. But I can't just get the truck, I have no money. I keep thinking that I can find a way to raise some money and then get a title loan on my POS car, and then try to get enough money fast enough to pay off the loan, and then if I don't, oh well, I think they just take your car and sell it. Which, idk, if I can get enough money in a title loan, then maybe I don't need to pay them back and sell my car, lmao. I don't know. But I need to find a job NOW. I need to start saving money and planning stuff. Urgh. I REALLY NEED TO DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO DO THOUGH. Do I really want to try a third semester at UTB in hopes that I will not fail?? Or do I want to go to TSTC for a semester or two and see if I can pass some easier classes and raise my GPA. And then try to transfer elsewhere? What degree do I want to pursue? Do I want to stick with being a voice major? go back to medicine? Or do something else? Why do I not know what I want to do?!?!?! I'm really uncertain. I love to sing, I don't want to stop, but is that what I want to make my profession? Do I want to be a choir director? Do I want to teach voice or music? Do I want to teach? What do I want to do? WHAT DO I WANT TO DO???????? I STILL REALLY DON'T KNOW, WHY DO I NOT KNOW?!?!?!
If I decide to go to UTB again next fall:
I need to find a part-time job in Brownsville, preferably work study.
I need to find a place to live in Brownsville, preferably near campus, preferably an apartment that Jessica and myself can live in.
Hopefully she will want to move to Brownsville, or at least be okay with that idea now.
If not, I suppose I could give in and try to get a dorm.
Either way, I hope she'll find a job too, either here in Harlingen, or there in Brownsville.
And I hope she'll get her GED somehow, either here at TSTC or at one of the Brownsville programs. If she holds a job and stuff she can go to school in Brownsville too. Idk if she'd want to go to UTB or one of those other places that she was wanting to attend. Idk, I still really don't want her to be a massage thereapist...I don't think she would like it as much as she thinks she would. I think her hands would cramp up and stuff... but idk the idea makes me uncomfortable and stuff.
Anyways, that's what I'd need to do.
If I decide to just stay here and go to TSTC:
I still need a job.
I need to decide what kind of classes to take.
I need to re-apply for admittance there.
I need to go to class, and do VERY well.
Either way::
I need to fill out a FAFSA.
I need a job!
So I'm seriously like really sick of this whole life thingy. It was so much easier before. And now it's just like AGH...I want to pull my hair out. Everyone's always told me I can do whatever I want...but I can't fucking decide!!!! FML. I suck at life!
/end rant
...for now...
We NEED to MOVE to Brownsville if I'm going to try to do this again. And I'm probably going to need to get a work study job or some sort of job nearby. And have Jessica find a job close by too. [She should learn to drive again so she can get a drivers license and drive if she needs to] I need to get a better vehicle. I keep imagining myself getting that truck and finding jobs and an apartment and everything being great. But I can't just get the truck, I have no money. I keep thinking that I can find a way to raise some money and then get a title loan on my POS car, and then try to get enough money fast enough to pay off the loan, and then if I don't, oh well, I think they just take your car and sell it. Which, idk, if I can get enough money in a title loan, then maybe I don't need to pay them back and sell my car, lmao. I don't know. But I need to find a job NOW. I need to start saving money and planning stuff. Urgh. I REALLY NEED TO DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO DO THOUGH. Do I really want to try a third semester at UTB in hopes that I will not fail?? Or do I want to go to TSTC for a semester or two and see if I can pass some easier classes and raise my GPA. And then try to transfer elsewhere? What degree do I want to pursue? Do I want to stick with being a voice major? go back to medicine? Or do something else? Why do I not know what I want to do?!?!?! I'm really uncertain. I love to sing, I don't want to stop, but is that what I want to make my profession? Do I want to be a choir director? Do I want to teach voice or music? Do I want to teach? What do I want to do? WHAT DO I WANT TO DO???????? I STILL REALLY DON'T KNOW, WHY DO I NOT KNOW?!?!?!
If I decide to go to UTB again next fall:
I need to find a part-time job in Brownsville, preferably work study.
I need to find a place to live in Brownsville, preferably near campus, preferably an apartment that Jessica and myself can live in.
Hopefully she will want to move to Brownsville, or at least be okay with that idea now.
If not, I suppose I could give in and try to get a dorm.
Either way, I hope she'll find a job too, either here in Harlingen, or there in Brownsville.
And I hope she'll get her GED somehow, either here at TSTC or at one of the Brownsville programs. If she holds a job and stuff she can go to school in Brownsville too. Idk if she'd want to go to UTB or one of those other places that she was wanting to attend. Idk, I still really don't want her to be a massage thereapist...I don't think she would like it as much as she thinks she would. I think her hands would cramp up and stuff... but idk the idea makes me uncomfortable and stuff.
Anyways, that's what I'd need to do.
If I decide to just stay here and go to TSTC:
I still need a job.
I need to decide what kind of classes to take.
I need to re-apply for admittance there.
I need to go to class, and do VERY well.
Either way::
I need to fill out a FAFSA.
I need a job!
So I'm seriously like really sick of this whole life thingy. It was so much easier before. And now it's just like AGH...I want to pull my hair out. Everyone's always told me I can do whatever I want...but I can't fucking decide!!!! FML. I suck at life!
/end rant
...for now...