(no subject)
I composed a lengthy and (i'll admit it) depressing entry, all in my head of course, at work today. The reason being that I am depressed. I had a miniature anxiety attack in the PetSmart parking lot while I was visiting Bellingham this weekend. Every tiny, insignificant thing was making me teary-eyed. I felt mildly embarrassed, which also made me teary-eyed. *sigh*
I don't know what is wrong with me for sure, but I do know that I haven't felt this low for quite some time.
Part of it is probably seasonal affective disorder and such. A bit of it is linked to loving Bellingham, but feeling shut out. I should have known that I'd feel that way while visiting. The same thing happened to me when I moved to Mount Vernon. It's a place that will never love me as much as I love it.
Also, I think I'm cracking under the weight of the shame I feel at always being the 'poor relation' in my family and friend groups. I cannot pay some of the debts I owe, and I feel it keenly, but instead of manning up and talking it out, I tend to hide and wait for the day that I can return it all in full (perhaps with interest) and include a heartfelt apology. I think the day is coming when the triumphant payback can happen, but not until after the holidays. I think that next year will be dedicated to this, as well as pursuing some more education and direction.
Despite these hopes and goals and dreams, my head just keeps repeating:
Everything dies.
I don't know what is wrong with me for sure, but I do know that I haven't felt this low for quite some time.
Part of it is probably seasonal affective disorder and such. A bit of it is linked to loving Bellingham, but feeling shut out. I should have known that I'd feel that way while visiting. The same thing happened to me when I moved to Mount Vernon. It's a place that will never love me as much as I love it.
Also, I think I'm cracking under the weight of the shame I feel at always being the 'poor relation' in my family and friend groups. I cannot pay some of the debts I owe, and I feel it keenly, but instead of manning up and talking it out, I tend to hide and wait for the day that I can return it all in full (perhaps with interest) and include a heartfelt apology. I think the day is coming when the triumphant payback can happen, but not until after the holidays. I think that next year will be dedicated to this, as well as pursuing some more education and direction.
Despite these hopes and goals and dreams, my head just keeps repeating:
Everything dies.