(no subject)
i've been completely engrossed in rewatching six feet under lately - i just finished it today. The end made me think a lot about falling out with my grandmother, Delia, after my father's death. It's been about a year since i've had much to do with her, and i feel terribly guilty. She took it so hard, i can't imagine the pain of loosing your firstborn. It made her completely insane and full of rage. My experience was sad and but mostly amazing - to see how he faced death and never lost himself was a gift. She was too afraid to loose him to see how inevitable it was, how brave he was and in the end made him a victim of many plots against him - contradictory plots that placed full blame on everyone who was actually close to him in the end. She alienated herself from everyone except me and her daughter Eli - who is even more bitter than her. I was the only one who would listen to her and try to give constructive perspectives and it was excruciating. I couldn't come to peace with his death around her, it was more impossible every day.
The last straw came when my little brother Forrest visited for the first time in his life after being taken away by his mother at birth. He never knew his father or his family here. After a week of staying at her house he approached Lisa, my father's partner, to find out who she really was and her role in his life. Apparently Delia had told him that she worked him to death at our shop, denied him hospital care until it was too late and had him euthanized on morphine. None of this is true, or even close and what the hell kind of thing is that to tell a 16 year old who just lost a father he would never know? Delia also told him that his mother was abusive of Caulen and all sorts of horrible lies about her. Forrest knew it must be biased and wanted to find out for himself. Later when i was going to confront her about it she told me how unruly he was while visiting and that she didn't even want to talk to him about it because it "was not her place." I couldn't see her after that, she was just too desctructive, didn't want to get better and wouldn't let me get better.
So now, we've all not only lost Caulen we've lost our whole family. She's 60, a refugee who's seen some of the worst people can do to each other, and now has lost all her support. She was the only person in my family i felt like loved me unconditionally when i was young, and i thought it was mutual. She's relayed to other family members that she's doing much better and trying really hard to be healthy and misses me a lot. I can feel her desperation, even in talking to them. I can't bear to put her in that position and being around her is so painful, she tries so hard it hurts to have so little trust in her.
The last straw came when my little brother Forrest visited for the first time in his life after being taken away by his mother at birth. He never knew his father or his family here. After a week of staying at her house he approached Lisa, my father's partner, to find out who she really was and her role in his life. Apparently Delia had told him that she worked him to death at our shop, denied him hospital care until it was too late and had him euthanized on morphine. None of this is true, or even close and what the hell kind of thing is that to tell a 16 year old who just lost a father he would never know? Delia also told him that his mother was abusive of Caulen and all sorts of horrible lies about her. Forrest knew it must be biased and wanted to find out for himself. Later when i was going to confront her about it she told me how unruly he was while visiting and that she didn't even want to talk to him about it because it "was not her place." I couldn't see her after that, she was just too desctructive, didn't want to get better and wouldn't let me get better.
So now, we've all not only lost Caulen we've lost our whole family. She's 60, a refugee who's seen some of the worst people can do to each other, and now has lost all her support. She was the only person in my family i felt like loved me unconditionally when i was young, and i thought it was mutual. She's relayed to other family members that she's doing much better and trying really hard to be healthy and misses me a lot. I can feel her desperation, even in talking to them. I can't bear to put her in that position and being around her is so painful, she tries so hard it hurts to have so little trust in her.