Feel like...
I don't know... I feel like I'm in some sort of turmoil. Like the wonderful times I had are about to stop. I don't know why exactly, but it's like the bottom is about to drop out of all this, and I will be left falling. Tumbling toward the ground and when land it will be in pieces, ugly gooey bits that do not warrant further description.
so I'm not on my meds right now due to the fact that I've run out and my mom and i were having tense times a few days ago and I didn't want to tell her that she had to mail me more of my pill-tasticness. So maybe this feeling of lazy-unfocused-zany-neediness is i don't know that god damn chemical imbalance I've had since I was 10(not that I've been medicated since then but I've been this uneven in my moods since then.)
Up late, up again, early, no sleep, lots of work, needing to be home, so that I get be away from the tred-mills and pools that are actually helping this battle I call weight loss, for almost a week. SHIT... But i'll be cleaning and cooking, and seeing the things I've missed so much.
Not to mention get those pre-cancerous thingies removed, which has been really affecting myself image lately...
The tutor center is going well, I'm just nervous I'm not giving the students who come in what they need, like I missing things or something, but you know today was only my second day of clients so I'll get there.
Men... I don't know why but it's worse than my usual whining... I'm finding myself very intense... Not to mention I'm still fixating. Writing this play about how I feel was supposed to "shake the soul and let the glory out". Even if this glorious agony has been some of the most intense, lively feelings in my life, they hurt, they burn, they ravage. They drive me up walls and into corners. I don't know if I can quite take it anymore. And oh but is there anything to be done about it? Not really, as long as I have a pulse, I'm going to crave love, attention, physical contact, and putting it out of my mind hasn't worked since Freshman year. I don't think it can work anymore. Maybe Amelia and I need to just find some other way to deal with our destructive loneliness, our burning, and maybe it needs to be a little less about me and more about Amelia, and LA's story, and the other girls who've lamented about their relationships with me. I think part of me wants this to be for the girls who got good and hurt. And while that's everyone there are some of us who are devastated but the pain of loneliness, of wanting, of hoping, and of how we tried and pinned so much of our affection on people who don't know how to stand up and love back.
But then again what do I know of love? I thought I loved Jason with all my heart, with every fiber in my being for four years... and I find now that maybe I loved the idea of someone like him. Which is what I've done about the person I'm over-thinking about now.
I'm such a joke. Every fat girl with a laptop and a penchant for Jane Austen pines... Why must I do it so vocally?
And why do I have to be fat, ugly, short, and annoying. I can only work on one maybe two of those things at a time. So I'm working on the fat thing and the short thing.
so I'm not on my meds right now due to the fact that I've run out and my mom and i were having tense times a few days ago and I didn't want to tell her that she had to mail me more of my pill-tasticness. So maybe this feeling of lazy-unfocused-zany-neediness is i don't know that god damn chemical imbalance I've had since I was 10(not that I've been medicated since then but I've been this uneven in my moods since then.)
Up late, up again, early, no sleep, lots of work, needing to be home, so that I get be away from the tred-mills and pools that are actually helping this battle I call weight loss, for almost a week. SHIT... But i'll be cleaning and cooking, and seeing the things I've missed so much.
Not to mention get those pre-cancerous thingies removed, which has been really affecting myself image lately...
The tutor center is going well, I'm just nervous I'm not giving the students who come in what they need, like I missing things or something, but you know today was only my second day of clients so I'll get there.
Men... I don't know why but it's worse than my usual whining... I'm finding myself very intense... Not to mention I'm still fixating. Writing this play about how I feel was supposed to "shake the soul and let the glory out". Even if this glorious agony has been some of the most intense, lively feelings in my life, they hurt, they burn, they ravage. They drive me up walls and into corners. I don't know if I can quite take it anymore. And oh but is there anything to be done about it? Not really, as long as I have a pulse, I'm going to crave love, attention, physical contact, and putting it out of my mind hasn't worked since Freshman year. I don't think it can work anymore. Maybe Amelia and I need to just find some other way to deal with our destructive loneliness, our burning, and maybe it needs to be a little less about me and more about Amelia, and LA's story, and the other girls who've lamented about their relationships with me. I think part of me wants this to be for the girls who got good and hurt. And while that's everyone there are some of us who are devastated but the pain of loneliness, of wanting, of hoping, and of how we tried and pinned so much of our affection on people who don't know how to stand up and love back.
But then again what do I know of love? I thought I loved Jason with all my heart, with every fiber in my being for four years... and I find now that maybe I loved the idea of someone like him. Which is what I've done about the person I'm over-thinking about now.
I'm such a joke. Every fat girl with a laptop and a penchant for Jane Austen pines... Why must I do it so vocally?
And why do I have to be fat, ugly, short, and annoying. I can only work on one maybe two of those things at a time. So I'm working on the fat thing and the short thing.