Same mistakes... same shoes. Why am I a retard?
This time last year I was pretty convinced I was a bit of an idiot. In fact, saying that, this time two years ago I was actually pretty convinced that I was more intelligent and mature than most of the people I knew. Wow. Where the hell did I get that idea from? Things changed significantly for me in first year... but I was still pretty convinced I had my sanity and I had my morals and I wasn't a complete moron.
Second year kicked me in the face in terms of work load and stress in general. I also made quite a few stupid choices... and fell for a few stupid people. However all was ok. I knew I'd been a bit silly... but there wasn't a point where I felt I was going to have a meltdown coz I'm such a complete and entire retard.
Enter third year. Now I'm entirely convinced that I am a complete and utter retard.
I'm trying to remember what I did on haloween in first year.... I'm pretty sure I watched a movie with Becky. I remember being pretty pissed off throughout first year that we didn't go out and that I was seriously bored. However I'm starting to believe that this was probably the better way to go. Staying in and not getting into trouble would probably have saved me one hell of a lot of hassle.
Last year was fun on Haloween. We went out. It wasn't a drama filled evening either, it was just fun. Becky got drunk and it was the first time we really saw her that drunk coz she didn't drink in first year, and I was a bit paranoid coz we kept loosing her. But regardless it was a good night. I had gone charging into the 3 week wall and ploughed on through it and everything was good again. I was happy. I'm not going to say I was sorted... but everything seemed normal. Everything seemed like it was going to be OK.
Haloween rolled round again on Friday. Things are so far beyond bad that I'm in a constant state of panic.
Granted I'm a mess at the moment. I'm sat here in my room feeling like complete crap snowed under with work that I've not completed properly and knowing that I'm so far behind with my labs that I'm going to have a serious struggle on my hands. And I cannot do much about that right now. Because concentrating hard on anything is just too difficult at the moment.
Because guess what.
I've got Tonsilitis. Again.
Yea. But do you want to know the really REALLY funny part? The part that makes me want to die laughing everytime I think about it otherwise I will cry??
I got tonsilitis because I kissed Pete. AGAIN.
Yup. This time last year I thought I was an idiot.
This time I know I am. As in entirely convinced that I am indeed a complete retard.
Why?
Because I kissed this boy again, and I've gotten tonsilitis again, and I should be really really guilty and angry at myself for all of it and for being stupid.
But everytime I think about the fact that Pete kissed me again..... I cannot help it but smile. Coz I'm stupid and I've fallen for this guy who is completely unattainable and completely wrong for me in every way possible. But he likes me. He likes me enough to stand on his landing where anyone could have seen us and kiss me. He leaned in. He did. I was drunk but I remember this time. I know he started it. It's no longer an assumption that I wouldn't initiate it. I know that he initiated it. Maybe I don't know if he initiated it the first time. But the first time doesn't matter anymore. The first time is now overshadowed by this time.
So how did it happen?
We were at a house party at Pete and Tash's new house. There were lots of people there, and I went with Tom, and Angela. I dunno why Tom was there to be honest. I don't understand why he chose to come with. But he did.
Maybe it would all be easier if he wasn't there.
I'd certainly have had less to deal with in the aftermath.
Anyway not the point.
So we were drinking. And the main reason I took angela (not telling her this entirely) was so I had someone there to stop me doing anything stupid. Coz there is always the risk... and since coming back from the summer I've been more paranoid about the risk coz the only times I've been out with Pete things have gotten to a point where we've been close and flirty and I've not known how to handle it.
I mean the last time I went out with them before Friday Pete ended up with his arm round me for like half an hour. So thats how "close" we are. Fine if it was matey whatever. But its not. And we both know its not. There is history there.
So I took Angie in an attempt at stopping me doing anything really stupid. And when Tom confirmed that he was coming I decided that was also a good thing coz it was another buffer. Two people to distract me and stop me doing anything stupid. Good plan. I was still a bit paranoid... and that should have stopped me from drinking. But I convinced my self it was ok.
On walking into the party the first person (besides Tash who opened the door) I saw was John. I had forgotten he'd probably be there. I pretty much blanked him. Seeing as the last time I saw him was when I pushed him away from me and ran off. I doubt he was happy to see me.
I'm far too affectionate when I'm drunk. With Tom especially. I'm all giggly and happy and "touchy feely" and I know I shouldn't be because I do start to feel guilty and think I'm sending mixed messages. But whatever. I was sat with Angie and Tom and having a giggle and it was good. Then suddenly Pete and John were both sat infront of me talking to me. That was awkward. Really Really awkward. Angela said she noticed that and thought it was hilarious. I did not.
At about 12 Tom said he would kinda like to go. I pretty much told him no. I have no reason as to why I didn't want to leave.... other than we'd gotten there pretty late and I didn't feel like leaving. I hadn't finished my drink....
Next thing of interest was Pete getting me a strognbow. From his secret stash in his room... hm.. plying me with alcohol? Anyway, I went with him. We went to his room, grabbed the strongbow and went to the kitchen to get some other people some drinks. And for some reason Pete gave me a hug. I say i remember everything... and this makes it sound like I don't. But I do. I just don't remember the specifics of conversaation. Which is normal... its just forgetfulness.
Anyway... it was just a hug in some respects. But in others it wasn't. You can tell when things aren't quite right and this was one of those cases. Because the hug lasted just that little bit too long... and didn't feel like a mate hug.
I pushed him away. Not forcefully, and not especially noticably, but in my head I was definetly making a move to push him away from me. I stepped back and put my hands on his shoulders and physically created some distance between us. That was enough of a step.
He then asked if I was Ok.
And i said the line that has become my motto over the past month. "I'm Fiiiiine".
If i say it enough I'll convince myself.
Anyway, then Liz came down to the kitchen so whatever moment was going on was sufficiently quenched and I wandered past back into the living room, clutching my strongbow.
Later still, I was half way through the strongbow and I needed the loo. I'm pretty sure by this point both Tom and Angie wanted to leave... but I was finishing my drink.
I huried off to the loo.
As i got up the stairs I noticed the door was shut, so I turned around and went half way back down. But then whoever it was came out the loo so I went back up... and it was Pete. I have to make it clear here, that when I went to the loo I did not realise he wasn't there, and I honestly did not go upstairs with the intention of anything. Coz I had no idea he was up there. I swear.
So I was at one end of the hallway, and he was at the other and we smiled at eachother, and I walked past him to go to the loo. And he turned and said "Hey is your friend alright?".
Yea.
He stopped me.
He. Stopped. Me.
I went past him. I was being good.
In the grand scheme of things its a small consilation considering what a massive bitch I am. But it is a small smidge of morality on display and I'm clinging to it.
So stopped walking and turned back and said "Yea she seems to be having fun." and he asked if I was having fun.. and while we were both saying this, I don't know quite how, whether it was literally just a gradual movement... but we just moved closer together. And then he was just infront of me, and then he leant in and kissed me.
It was sweet. It was sexy. It was a good kiss.
It was brief.
I pulled away.
Yea.
I. Pulled. Away.
I do have a smidge of dignity. Only a smidge. But I do.
And do you wanna know another GREAT thing. Not great in a my sanity sense. Or in a "good situation" sense. But in a general I'm not making a fool of myself sense...
After I pulled away he said that he knows that when this happened before we said we'd draw a line under it and not think about it again.. but he can't.
He can't.
That night has stayed with him.
It's not just me thinking about it. He did too.
I'm not out on my own.
Which is more comforting than it should be.
It's just nice to know it wasn't one sided.
I said I couldn't do this and I shouldn't be there, and I turned away. And I was muttering - same as before - swearing under my breath... not again. This wasn't happening again.
I looked at him and I told him he had to go.
He said "You want me to go?"
And I said yes. I sent him away. I couldn't have him there.
Its funny. I almost did the right thing. I was so close. I pushed him away the first time that there was something weird. Then I told him to go away the second..... Ok so I when he kissed me I kissed him back... but I'm human. If you smile at someone on the street I guarantee the first thing that will happen is they'll smile back.
I was so close to doing the right thing.
Then I went to the loo. I was shaking. But I couldn't stop myself smiling. In a "this is beyond a joke" way. Laughing at the hilarity of the situation. Laughing coz otherwise I'd probably burst into tears. I was shaking though. I don't know whether that was coz of the stress and shock or coz i was freezing. It was fucking cold though. Their house doesn't have heating so anywhere there isn't a gas fire is pretty freezing. Came out the loo, took a few deep breaths and went back downstairs.
If the evening ended there we wouldn't have a problem. Because I've acted properly. I've pushed Pete away. I've sent him away. So there was a fleeting brief kiss that shouldn't have happened. But if that was all it was then we wouldn't have this whole renewed problem on our hands. If I'd only walked back into the living room and told Tom and Angie it was time to go and left... we'd be alright. One small kiss that I ended and walked away from... while being Pete's problem... would not be my problem. I could have left it as that being me making it clear that this doesn't happen anymore, and we could all have moved on.
But on leaving the toilet, I got halfway down the stairs and saw Pete walk from the lounge into his/tash's room.
This is where I made the mistake. This is where I did the wrong thing. I admit that. I'm a retard. And a bitch. Whatever. This is where the evening should have been over, but this was where I made the active decision to continue down the path of self destruction.
I should have gone right. Should have told Tom and Angela we were leaving and gone.
But in my head the logic was that me and Pete needed to talk about this. I should have gone back into the living room. I know I should have. It wasn't completely unnoticable that I wasn't there, as I had said I was just popping to the loo, and not many people were left at the party.
However I got to the bottom of the stairs and went left, following Pete into his room.
When I told Emma this she squealed "You were in his BEDROOM????" Like thats the most scandalous part of the story.
So there we were in his room. I didn't shut the door, I pushed it so it wasnt wide open, but I didn't shut it.
I keep saying I remember all of it. I keep saying I wasn't as drunk as I was the last time. This is the problem. Coz I was really quite drunk... but I do remember. I think.... I know on the Saturday morning I remembered all of it. I knew when it was going on I was thinking "I'm going to remember all of this".
Talk about a logical flow of thoughts - did I mention I'm a mess lol.
Anyway. He hugged me again... and then that progressed to kissing again... and it all had a very deja vu sense to it. We kiss and we talk and we say stuff that we shouldn't be saying and then one of us has to leave.
So what was said this time?
That we really need to talk when we're sober. Yea. No shit.
But we spoke when we were sober. We talked... and yea at the time I know I said I lied... but there wasn't anything I could do but lie. I was hardly going to tell him that I liked him. Not at that point. Not Sober. It didn't need to be heard.
I had to do the mature thing and say that it meant nothing and nobody gets hurt. It hurt me to say it at the time.... but I had no choice. I don't steal peoples boyfriends.
Pete said name a time and place and he'd be there. Any time, and place. That was how badly we need to talk this through sober. Coz we both know now that things aren't right.
I knew they weren't right 2 weeks ago when he had his arm round me when nobody else was looking.
I knew it wasn't right back in June when I kissed John and Pete looked at me like he didn't recognise me.
I was trying to explain to him that I can't just name a time and a place. I can't do that because I'm not convinced that if I try and contact him Tash will intercept it. But everytime I said "But.." he'd cut me off and say something else.
He did a lot of talking. Considering last time I swear I talked a lot... he said a lot this time. I just stood there saying "I know." and "I'm sorry." and "It's complicated" a lot.
Things he told me.
1) He's been considering dumping Tasha. He said it in a "When I've been considering ending it" way... As in he has spent time thinking about it, not just when hes drunk. Ok its not good coz whenever hez considered it hez obviously decided I'm not worth it. But still... hez thought about it.
2) If he weren't living with her it would be easier. He basically told me that if it wasn't for the fact that hez living with her and its complicated he'd have probably broken up with her.
3) He knows that I think I'm a bitch for being involved in the whole thing but I shouldn't coz I'm not doing anything wrong (ha. he does not understand girl politics) he's the bastard in the situation coz he's in a relationship. He knows I don't want this thing to be happening.... He knows i feel really guilty. And he is sorry bout it. For what its worth.
4) He hates how one of us always has to leave.
Eugh. I hate it too.
But what am I allowed to do with this information? I don't even know whether to trust this information. Cos when has he thought about breaking up with Tash? When? In the 30mins hes drunk before he considers caoming onto me? Yea the way he was saying it seemed like he'd actually thought about it other than when he was wasted and sticking his tongue down my throat.... but i dont know that. I have no idea where I stand. I have no idea whats going on. All I know is I get drunk and I get silly and i kiss this boy again. And I want too. I wanted to kiss him. When I was stood outside the loo and it was perfectly obvious what was going on and he moved towards me I didn't stop him. I moved aswell. I'm an idiot but I knew what was happening before it happened. I just let it. And thats why I'm an idiot.
And one of us having to leave. Of course one of us has to leave. The whole time I was in the room I pretty much would kiss him and then say "I should go... I really have to go" and then we'd kiss again and I'd be like "No... seriously have to go" and that was what it was like in January. Constantly thinking about how long we could get away with being there. Not wanting to get caught.
Everytime we heard the door open to the lounge we pretty much lept apart. I was still shaking, and after a while Pete noticed that and apologised for his house being freezing. We were both acting really guilty. I kept turning away and refusing to look at him. He kept moving things around the room distracting himself. He's as messed up as I am. Seriously.
But then he'd pull me in to him and kiss me again.
To be honest. I'd probably die happy if I could just spend my last half hour on earth kissing him. Yes I like kissing him that much.
But of course it was obvious I knew Angela and Tom were in the room and I knew that I'd been gone longer than the amount of time it takes to go to the toilet. I didn't think about it until afterward... but it was not a subtle thing. We were obviously not in the room and we were obviously gone for a while. I should have realised it was more obvious than I thought it was.
So tere are 3 things I told him that I (in hindsight) shouldn't have.
1) First biggun is that I told him I did really like him. And i said it as if it was a mistake and that he should hate me for it. I made it look like it was all my fault. Like the fact that he keeps me holding on by dropping me stupid glimmers of attention and randomly kissing me has no impact on the fact that I've fallen for him. Retard points - 50.
2) I told him not to break up with Tash. I told him I didn't want to do that to her. Which moralistically is best. I tell him to stay in his relationship. However.... Combined with point number one.... No. I've basically given him the green light to try having his cake and eating it too. Coz I've told him I like him. So I've made it clear that I want him kissing me. But I've told him not to break up with his girlfriend. So thats all OK. Yea. So while the sentiment of the statement itself is in essence good of me.... the combination gives me an extra 30 retard points. So Retard Points total - 80.
3) Small matter... I told him right before I went back that Angie was going to kill me. To which he turned round and said "Wait you told angela??"
Oops. Retard points - 20.
So total retard points = 100.
I fobbed him off by saying I needed to talk to someone about what was going on. This way he doesn't need to know about.... well the 5 or so other people I've "had to tell" about it.
Meh. He won't break up with her. It's too complicated. We both know its too complicated. I know in my heart that despite liking him and really really wanting him to kiss me again I could not deal with the consequences of stealing someone elses boyfriend. I couldn't do that to a mate.
It is just about the worst betrayal in the world. Not including things you can actually go to prison for (murdering someone's mother, rape, etc.etc.) it is pretty much the worst thing you can do to a friend. I can't think of anything worse.
So no. I couldn't deal with the consequences. That I know.
They live together. I can barely get in touch with Pete without thinking Tash will intercept it. Despite knowing we need to talk and both of us saying we need to talk when were sober.... I've not contacted him.
He hasn't contacted me. But then he told me to name a time and place and I wouldn't. He is probably waiting for me to contact him. But I won't. I can't. It involves more risk than I'm comfortable with. If Tash gets the message before Pete then I'm screwed. Even if all I want to meet up with him to say is no more.
Coz this can't happen again.
I said this last time. I know I did.
But it's happened again. And I've had more time to think about it. And I've realised that I can't do this. I can't deal with the way Tom was looking at me on Saturday. And I can't deal with this guilt cloud thats following me. And I cannot deal with getting tonsilitis everytime I go near him.
Karma is really doing its job on me. Sure it should be off kicking actual rapists and murderers in the face. But no they get off scott free. Whereas I just kiss one boy and I get tonsilitis.
I've hidden it rather well. I haven't missed many lectures or anything so far. I missed one on Monday morning when I went to the Doctors and one today coz I just didn't fancy going. But its not a problem. I went to my labs. Granted I'm seriously behind and I did have a slight melt down at the lab manager in the lab on monday.
The whole point is not allowing Pete or Tash to find out I've got tonsilitis again. Coz I don't want Pete to know... I just don't want him having that advantage over me. I need the upper hand. While he is still a bastard cheating on his girlfriend and I'm young free and single I have the upper hand. When I'm ill I loose the upper hand. I don't want Tash to know either.... I don't think shez intelligent to put two and two together... but you never know. It was noticable that we had left the room and it was noticable that I was gone longer than the length of time it takes to go to the loo. So maybe she won't work it out. But maybe she will. And if she does I don't have a defence.
Anyway. Realised eventually that had to go back into the living room. Pete went to the kitchen and I went back in and sat next to Tom. Realised as I sat down that I had very red lipstick on..... and hastily wiped my lips over to check if was all smeared. I'm pretty sure it wasnt noticably... seeing as nobody said anything.
Tom did however say "Do we need to leave"
To which I said "Yea we need to leave."
Pete came and sat next to me. And for about the 4th time that evening angie me and tom said we should leave, and people mentioned that there was a spare room and we could stay over. Mostly it was Tash saying this and each time I made some excuse about Angie staying over, and not wanting to walk back in a skirt the next morning etc.etc.
Pete looked at me and said "You can stay over if you want".
I looked at him and said "I really don't think thats a good idea"
And that was the last thing I said to him.
So we left. And the walk home was very different from the walk home last time. Last time I was on my own and drunk and shaking and panicking. This time I had to keep my cool and walk back with Tom and Angie. I obviously didn't keep my kool, coz I turned to Angie halfway down the road and whispered "May have kissed Pete again."
So me and Angie analysed all of it once we got back here. And she thinks I've been very stupid - obviously - and that I should make Pete dump Tash and then tell him I don't want anything to do with him. Coz he is a bastard and deserves to be on his own. I'd love to do that. It would make me a huge bitch but I'd still love it.
Maybe I should just be the bitch. Maybe I should just make his life hell from now on.
You may have realised the tone of this changing a lot.
I'm flipping between being infatuated with this boy and wanting him to be in love with me, and hating him so much I want to kill him.
Currently, in this second I'm really really fucking angry. How DARE he. How DARE he put me in this position. How DARE he kiss me.
I'm free. I'm single. I don't have repurcussions to deal with (besides tonsilitis). He has the girlfriend. I'm allowed to like who I want, and I actively made the decision to not go after Pete and to move on. He's the one who keeps me hanging on. He kisses me and then doesn't talk to me for a week and expects that to be ok. He KISSED ME for fucks sake. Thats supposed to mean something. But no it doesn't. Coz he loves his girlfriend. So sticking his tongue down my throat doesnt matter. Coz he doesn't like me enough to dump her, coz he has his cushy little home and just living his life means not being lonely.
I'm the one who when the kissing is done and we move apart is left with nothing. He gets to go home and fuck his girlfriend. Hes the one who has someone there. I'm stood round waiting for him to show me a little bit of attention. Coz I say I'm trying to move on, but I'm not moving on. I haven't found anyone else and I let this all happen again. So how have I moved on? Everytime he drops me a flirty glance or puts his arm round me for a tad too long I let him and I'm swept up again. I'm literally stood waiting in the background and I'm going to be there until he tells me to fuck off.
But for some reason he wants me there. Hes playing games with me, and I'm letting him. And its so fucking stupid and its something I said I'd never do. I cannot believe I'm the girl who waits around for a blokes girlfriend to turn her back so she can have a quickie. But thats who I am.
I've been invited to another party at Pete and Tash's house in 3 weeks. I know I shouldn't go. But I want too.
Tom won't let me go. Oh he won't try to stop me. He just won't "let" me. He'll play the mental game he does where he gives me a condescending look that makes me think he's judging me and will say "OOOOOkay then" and I'll feel bad and guilty. Then he won't be going and when I'm like "I think I'm going to go" he'll be all "Really? You sure?" and I'll have to justify myself that I cant cut these people out of my life without it looking weird so I have to go to keep up appearences. Then he'll tell me to be careful and not get into any trouble and it'll make me feel guilty that hes judging me again and that I don't want him to see me as that person.
Coz I'm not this person. Not really. I'm just unsure how to handle this situation. I'm completely out of my depth and have no idea what to do.
Tom obviously knows what happened last Friday.
He was pretty sober by that time in the morning, so he noticed very quickly when I wasn't there, and when Pete wasn't there. He isn't an idiot.
He said he considered coming to find me, but didn't want to walk in on anything.
He said that at one point Tash noticed both me and Pete weren't there... but it was only fleeting... and she was really really drunk.
He also mentioned that its really fucking obvious to anyone who isn't blind drunk that there is something going on with me and Pete. I mean, Tom is quite observant so I take that with a pinch of salt. But apparently anyone who was sober in the room could have noticed the atmosphere between me and him when we were all back into the room.
I was sat in the kitchen feeling rough on Sat morning and he just came in and said "So what did you do last night? You disappeared for like half an hour... and so did Pete.... what happened?"
I was going to deny it. Angie told me I shouldn't but I was going to. I started to say "Nothing happened" but Tom knew something had. I'm bad at lying to Tom. So I told him I kissed Pete again, but nothing else happened. And it was fine coz it was nothing that hadn't happened before. But that I should probably talk to Pete.
I said it all with a bit of a giggle.
I'm trying to play it off as not a big deal. Coz its easier to laugh it off with Tom. But it did mean that for the whole day any time he saw me he just laughed at me. Coz he found it hilarious.
He did say that it probably wasn't a big deal though. That Pete and Tash seem to have this weird relationship dynamic and he wouldn't be surprised if both of them had cheated on one another. That Pete kissing me wasn't a big deal to their relationship.
Way to talk me down off my cloud. Pete kissing me wasn't a big deal. He probably just wanted a snog. Whatever.
When I got tonsilitis it just caused more amusement. Everyone has decided that I'm allergic to Pete so going anywhere near him again is out of the question. When I told Tom I'd got tonsilitis again (which wasnt until Wed so i hid it really well) he looked at me for like 5 seconds, laughed and said "Thats fucking karma that is!" which is what I thought to be honest. I knew as soon as I felt ill on Sunday that I'd got tonsilitis again and I knew I'd get so much stick for it once everyone who knew why I got it the time before realised why I'd got it again.
My life has turned into a bit of a joke with Tom.
But I'm going to turn that around.
He'll see. I'm not a bad person I just make mistakes.
Anyway. The most brilliant thing about this is actually the fact that I can shut up everyone. Coz while I was still obsessing about something that happened 9-10 months ago I was starting to agree with everyone telling me I had to shut up and get over it. But this brings it back into current ness. I'm allowed to not be over it when he's only just kissed me again. Which sucks a lot coz I know I do have to get over it. I'm not allowing this to continue. However, obsessing over it for a few more weeks is OK. Coz it is a current problem. And did not happen a lifetime ago anymore. I'm allowed to still be fucked up about it.
Brilliant. Good excuse for my mental instability at the moment then.
xxx
Second year kicked me in the face in terms of work load and stress in general. I also made quite a few stupid choices... and fell for a few stupid people. However all was ok. I knew I'd been a bit silly... but there wasn't a point where I felt I was going to have a meltdown coz I'm such a complete and entire retard.
Enter third year. Now I'm entirely convinced that I am a complete and utter retard.
I'm trying to remember what I did on haloween in first year.... I'm pretty sure I watched a movie with Becky. I remember being pretty pissed off throughout first year that we didn't go out and that I was seriously bored. However I'm starting to believe that this was probably the better way to go. Staying in and not getting into trouble would probably have saved me one hell of a lot of hassle.
Last year was fun on Haloween. We went out. It wasn't a drama filled evening either, it was just fun. Becky got drunk and it was the first time we really saw her that drunk coz she didn't drink in first year, and I was a bit paranoid coz we kept loosing her. But regardless it was a good night. I had gone charging into the 3 week wall and ploughed on through it and everything was good again. I was happy. I'm not going to say I was sorted... but everything seemed normal. Everything seemed like it was going to be OK.
Haloween rolled round again on Friday. Things are so far beyond bad that I'm in a constant state of panic.
Granted I'm a mess at the moment. I'm sat here in my room feeling like complete crap snowed under with work that I've not completed properly and knowing that I'm so far behind with my labs that I'm going to have a serious struggle on my hands. And I cannot do much about that right now. Because concentrating hard on anything is just too difficult at the moment.
Because guess what.
I've got Tonsilitis. Again.
Yea. But do you want to know the really REALLY funny part? The part that makes me want to die laughing everytime I think about it otherwise I will cry??
I got tonsilitis because I kissed Pete. AGAIN.
Yup. This time last year I thought I was an idiot.
This time I know I am. As in entirely convinced that I am indeed a complete retard.
Why?
Because I kissed this boy again, and I've gotten tonsilitis again, and I should be really really guilty and angry at myself for all of it and for being stupid.
But everytime I think about the fact that Pete kissed me again..... I cannot help it but smile. Coz I'm stupid and I've fallen for this guy who is completely unattainable and completely wrong for me in every way possible. But he likes me. He likes me enough to stand on his landing where anyone could have seen us and kiss me. He leaned in. He did. I was drunk but I remember this time. I know he started it. It's no longer an assumption that I wouldn't initiate it. I know that he initiated it. Maybe I don't know if he initiated it the first time. But the first time doesn't matter anymore. The first time is now overshadowed by this time.
So how did it happen?
We were at a house party at Pete and Tash's new house. There were lots of people there, and I went with Tom, and Angela. I dunno why Tom was there to be honest. I don't understand why he chose to come with. But he did.
Maybe it would all be easier if he wasn't there.
I'd certainly have had less to deal with in the aftermath.
Anyway not the point.
So we were drinking. And the main reason I took angela (not telling her this entirely) was so I had someone there to stop me doing anything stupid. Coz there is always the risk... and since coming back from the summer I've been more paranoid about the risk coz the only times I've been out with Pete things have gotten to a point where we've been close and flirty and I've not known how to handle it.
I mean the last time I went out with them before Friday Pete ended up with his arm round me for like half an hour. So thats how "close" we are. Fine if it was matey whatever. But its not. And we both know its not. There is history there.
So I took Angie in an attempt at stopping me doing anything really stupid. And when Tom confirmed that he was coming I decided that was also a good thing coz it was another buffer. Two people to distract me and stop me doing anything stupid. Good plan. I was still a bit paranoid... and that should have stopped me from drinking. But I convinced my self it was ok.
On walking into the party the first person (besides Tash who opened the door) I saw was John. I had forgotten he'd probably be there. I pretty much blanked him. Seeing as the last time I saw him was when I pushed him away from me and ran off. I doubt he was happy to see me.
I'm far too affectionate when I'm drunk. With Tom especially. I'm all giggly and happy and "touchy feely" and I know I shouldn't be because I do start to feel guilty and think I'm sending mixed messages. But whatever. I was sat with Angie and Tom and having a giggle and it was good. Then suddenly Pete and John were both sat infront of me talking to me. That was awkward. Really Really awkward. Angela said she noticed that and thought it was hilarious. I did not.
At about 12 Tom said he would kinda like to go. I pretty much told him no. I have no reason as to why I didn't want to leave.... other than we'd gotten there pretty late and I didn't feel like leaving. I hadn't finished my drink....
Next thing of interest was Pete getting me a strognbow. From his secret stash in his room... hm.. plying me with alcohol? Anyway, I went with him. We went to his room, grabbed the strongbow and went to the kitchen to get some other people some drinks. And for some reason Pete gave me a hug. I say i remember everything... and this makes it sound like I don't. But I do. I just don't remember the specifics of conversaation. Which is normal... its just forgetfulness.
Anyway... it was just a hug in some respects. But in others it wasn't. You can tell when things aren't quite right and this was one of those cases. Because the hug lasted just that little bit too long... and didn't feel like a mate hug.
I pushed him away. Not forcefully, and not especially noticably, but in my head I was definetly making a move to push him away from me. I stepped back and put my hands on his shoulders and physically created some distance between us. That was enough of a step.
He then asked if I was Ok.
And i said the line that has become my motto over the past month. "I'm Fiiiiine".
If i say it enough I'll convince myself.
Anyway, then Liz came down to the kitchen so whatever moment was going on was sufficiently quenched and I wandered past back into the living room, clutching my strongbow.
Later still, I was half way through the strongbow and I needed the loo. I'm pretty sure by this point both Tom and Angie wanted to leave... but I was finishing my drink.
I huried off to the loo.
As i got up the stairs I noticed the door was shut, so I turned around and went half way back down. But then whoever it was came out the loo so I went back up... and it was Pete. I have to make it clear here, that when I went to the loo I did not realise he wasn't there, and I honestly did not go upstairs with the intention of anything. Coz I had no idea he was up there. I swear.
So I was at one end of the hallway, and he was at the other and we smiled at eachother, and I walked past him to go to the loo. And he turned and said "Hey is your friend alright?".
Yea.
He stopped me.
He. Stopped. Me.
I went past him. I was being good.
In the grand scheme of things its a small consilation considering what a massive bitch I am. But it is a small smidge of morality on display and I'm clinging to it.
So stopped walking and turned back and said "Yea she seems to be having fun." and he asked if I was having fun.. and while we were both saying this, I don't know quite how, whether it was literally just a gradual movement... but we just moved closer together. And then he was just infront of me, and then he leant in and kissed me.
It was sweet. It was sexy. It was a good kiss.
It was brief.
I pulled away.
Yea.
I. Pulled. Away.
I do have a smidge of dignity. Only a smidge. But I do.
And do you wanna know another GREAT thing. Not great in a my sanity sense. Or in a "good situation" sense. But in a general I'm not making a fool of myself sense...
After I pulled away he said that he knows that when this happened before we said we'd draw a line under it and not think about it again.. but he can't.
He can't.
That night has stayed with him.
It's not just me thinking about it. He did too.
I'm not out on my own.
Which is more comforting than it should be.
It's just nice to know it wasn't one sided.
I said I couldn't do this and I shouldn't be there, and I turned away. And I was muttering - same as before - swearing under my breath... not again. This wasn't happening again.
I looked at him and I told him he had to go.
He said "You want me to go?"
And I said yes. I sent him away. I couldn't have him there.
Its funny. I almost did the right thing. I was so close. I pushed him away the first time that there was something weird. Then I told him to go away the second..... Ok so I when he kissed me I kissed him back... but I'm human. If you smile at someone on the street I guarantee the first thing that will happen is they'll smile back.
I was so close to doing the right thing.
Then I went to the loo. I was shaking. But I couldn't stop myself smiling. In a "this is beyond a joke" way. Laughing at the hilarity of the situation. Laughing coz otherwise I'd probably burst into tears. I was shaking though. I don't know whether that was coz of the stress and shock or coz i was freezing. It was fucking cold though. Their house doesn't have heating so anywhere there isn't a gas fire is pretty freezing. Came out the loo, took a few deep breaths and went back downstairs.
If the evening ended there we wouldn't have a problem. Because I've acted properly. I've pushed Pete away. I've sent him away. So there was a fleeting brief kiss that shouldn't have happened. But if that was all it was then we wouldn't have this whole renewed problem on our hands. If I'd only walked back into the living room and told Tom and Angie it was time to go and left... we'd be alright. One small kiss that I ended and walked away from... while being Pete's problem... would not be my problem. I could have left it as that being me making it clear that this doesn't happen anymore, and we could all have moved on.
But on leaving the toilet, I got halfway down the stairs and saw Pete walk from the lounge into his/tash's room.
This is where I made the mistake. This is where I did the wrong thing. I admit that. I'm a retard. And a bitch. Whatever. This is where the evening should have been over, but this was where I made the active decision to continue down the path of self destruction.
I should have gone right. Should have told Tom and Angela we were leaving and gone.
But in my head the logic was that me and Pete needed to talk about this. I should have gone back into the living room. I know I should have. It wasn't completely unnoticable that I wasn't there, as I had said I was just popping to the loo, and not many people were left at the party.
However I got to the bottom of the stairs and went left, following Pete into his room.
When I told Emma this she squealed "You were in his BEDROOM????" Like thats the most scandalous part of the story.
So there we were in his room. I didn't shut the door, I pushed it so it wasnt wide open, but I didn't shut it.
I keep saying I remember all of it. I keep saying I wasn't as drunk as I was the last time. This is the problem. Coz I was really quite drunk... but I do remember. I think.... I know on the Saturday morning I remembered all of it. I knew when it was going on I was thinking "I'm going to remember all of this".
Talk about a logical flow of thoughts - did I mention I'm a mess lol.
Anyway. He hugged me again... and then that progressed to kissing again... and it all had a very deja vu sense to it. We kiss and we talk and we say stuff that we shouldn't be saying and then one of us has to leave.
So what was said this time?
That we really need to talk when we're sober. Yea. No shit.
But we spoke when we were sober. We talked... and yea at the time I know I said I lied... but there wasn't anything I could do but lie. I was hardly going to tell him that I liked him. Not at that point. Not Sober. It didn't need to be heard.
I had to do the mature thing and say that it meant nothing and nobody gets hurt. It hurt me to say it at the time.... but I had no choice. I don't steal peoples boyfriends.
Pete said name a time and place and he'd be there. Any time, and place. That was how badly we need to talk this through sober. Coz we both know now that things aren't right.
I knew they weren't right 2 weeks ago when he had his arm round me when nobody else was looking.
I knew it wasn't right back in June when I kissed John and Pete looked at me like he didn't recognise me.
I was trying to explain to him that I can't just name a time and a place. I can't do that because I'm not convinced that if I try and contact him Tash will intercept it. But everytime I said "But.." he'd cut me off and say something else.
He did a lot of talking. Considering last time I swear I talked a lot... he said a lot this time. I just stood there saying "I know." and "I'm sorry." and "It's complicated" a lot.
Things he told me.
1) He's been considering dumping Tasha. He said it in a "When I've been considering ending it" way... As in he has spent time thinking about it, not just when hes drunk. Ok its not good coz whenever hez considered it hez obviously decided I'm not worth it. But still... hez thought about it.
2) If he weren't living with her it would be easier. He basically told me that if it wasn't for the fact that hez living with her and its complicated he'd have probably broken up with her.
3) He knows that I think I'm a bitch for being involved in the whole thing but I shouldn't coz I'm not doing anything wrong (ha. he does not understand girl politics) he's the bastard in the situation coz he's in a relationship. He knows I don't want this thing to be happening.... He knows i feel really guilty. And he is sorry bout it. For what its worth.
4) He hates how one of us always has to leave.
Eugh. I hate it too.
But what am I allowed to do with this information? I don't even know whether to trust this information. Cos when has he thought about breaking up with Tash? When? In the 30mins hes drunk before he considers caoming onto me? Yea the way he was saying it seemed like he'd actually thought about it other than when he was wasted and sticking his tongue down my throat.... but i dont know that. I have no idea where I stand. I have no idea whats going on. All I know is I get drunk and I get silly and i kiss this boy again. And I want too. I wanted to kiss him. When I was stood outside the loo and it was perfectly obvious what was going on and he moved towards me I didn't stop him. I moved aswell. I'm an idiot but I knew what was happening before it happened. I just let it. And thats why I'm an idiot.
And one of us having to leave. Of course one of us has to leave. The whole time I was in the room I pretty much would kiss him and then say "I should go... I really have to go" and then we'd kiss again and I'd be like "No... seriously have to go" and that was what it was like in January. Constantly thinking about how long we could get away with being there. Not wanting to get caught.
Everytime we heard the door open to the lounge we pretty much lept apart. I was still shaking, and after a while Pete noticed that and apologised for his house being freezing. We were both acting really guilty. I kept turning away and refusing to look at him. He kept moving things around the room distracting himself. He's as messed up as I am. Seriously.
But then he'd pull me in to him and kiss me again.
To be honest. I'd probably die happy if I could just spend my last half hour on earth kissing him. Yes I like kissing him that much.
But of course it was obvious I knew Angela and Tom were in the room and I knew that I'd been gone longer than the amount of time it takes to go to the toilet. I didn't think about it until afterward... but it was not a subtle thing. We were obviously not in the room and we were obviously gone for a while. I should have realised it was more obvious than I thought it was.
So tere are 3 things I told him that I (in hindsight) shouldn't have.
1) First biggun is that I told him I did really like him. And i said it as if it was a mistake and that he should hate me for it. I made it look like it was all my fault. Like the fact that he keeps me holding on by dropping me stupid glimmers of attention and randomly kissing me has no impact on the fact that I've fallen for him. Retard points - 50.
2) I told him not to break up with Tash. I told him I didn't want to do that to her. Which moralistically is best. I tell him to stay in his relationship. However.... Combined with point number one.... No. I've basically given him the green light to try having his cake and eating it too. Coz I've told him I like him. So I've made it clear that I want him kissing me. But I've told him not to break up with his girlfriend. So thats all OK. Yea. So while the sentiment of the statement itself is in essence good of me.... the combination gives me an extra 30 retard points. So Retard Points total - 80.
3) Small matter... I told him right before I went back that Angie was going to kill me. To which he turned round and said "Wait you told angela??"
Oops. Retard points - 20.
So total retard points = 100.
I fobbed him off by saying I needed to talk to someone about what was going on. This way he doesn't need to know about.... well the 5 or so other people I've "had to tell" about it.
Meh. He won't break up with her. It's too complicated. We both know its too complicated. I know in my heart that despite liking him and really really wanting him to kiss me again I could not deal with the consequences of stealing someone elses boyfriend. I couldn't do that to a mate.
It is just about the worst betrayal in the world. Not including things you can actually go to prison for (murdering someone's mother, rape, etc.etc.) it is pretty much the worst thing you can do to a friend. I can't think of anything worse.
So no. I couldn't deal with the consequences. That I know.
They live together. I can barely get in touch with Pete without thinking Tash will intercept it. Despite knowing we need to talk and both of us saying we need to talk when were sober.... I've not contacted him.
He hasn't contacted me. But then he told me to name a time and place and I wouldn't. He is probably waiting for me to contact him. But I won't. I can't. It involves more risk than I'm comfortable with. If Tash gets the message before Pete then I'm screwed. Even if all I want to meet up with him to say is no more.
Coz this can't happen again.
I said this last time. I know I did.
But it's happened again. And I've had more time to think about it. And I've realised that I can't do this. I can't deal with the way Tom was looking at me on Saturday. And I can't deal with this guilt cloud thats following me. And I cannot deal with getting tonsilitis everytime I go near him.
Karma is really doing its job on me. Sure it should be off kicking actual rapists and murderers in the face. But no they get off scott free. Whereas I just kiss one boy and I get tonsilitis.
I've hidden it rather well. I haven't missed many lectures or anything so far. I missed one on Monday morning when I went to the Doctors and one today coz I just didn't fancy going. But its not a problem. I went to my labs. Granted I'm seriously behind and I did have a slight melt down at the lab manager in the lab on monday.
The whole point is not allowing Pete or Tash to find out I've got tonsilitis again. Coz I don't want Pete to know... I just don't want him having that advantage over me. I need the upper hand. While he is still a bastard cheating on his girlfriend and I'm young free and single I have the upper hand. When I'm ill I loose the upper hand. I don't want Tash to know either.... I don't think shez intelligent to put two and two together... but you never know. It was noticable that we had left the room and it was noticable that I was gone longer than the length of time it takes to go to the loo. So maybe she won't work it out. But maybe she will. And if she does I don't have a defence.
Anyway. Realised eventually that had to go back into the living room. Pete went to the kitchen and I went back in and sat next to Tom. Realised as I sat down that I had very red lipstick on..... and hastily wiped my lips over to check if was all smeared. I'm pretty sure it wasnt noticably... seeing as nobody said anything.
Tom did however say "Do we need to leave"
To which I said "Yea we need to leave."
Pete came and sat next to me. And for about the 4th time that evening angie me and tom said we should leave, and people mentioned that there was a spare room and we could stay over. Mostly it was Tash saying this and each time I made some excuse about Angie staying over, and not wanting to walk back in a skirt the next morning etc.etc.
Pete looked at me and said "You can stay over if you want".
I looked at him and said "I really don't think thats a good idea"
And that was the last thing I said to him.
So we left. And the walk home was very different from the walk home last time. Last time I was on my own and drunk and shaking and panicking. This time I had to keep my cool and walk back with Tom and Angie. I obviously didn't keep my kool, coz I turned to Angie halfway down the road and whispered "May have kissed Pete again."
So me and Angie analysed all of it once we got back here. And she thinks I've been very stupid - obviously - and that I should make Pete dump Tash and then tell him I don't want anything to do with him. Coz he is a bastard and deserves to be on his own. I'd love to do that. It would make me a huge bitch but I'd still love it.
Maybe I should just be the bitch. Maybe I should just make his life hell from now on.
You may have realised the tone of this changing a lot.
I'm flipping between being infatuated with this boy and wanting him to be in love with me, and hating him so much I want to kill him.
Currently, in this second I'm really really fucking angry. How DARE he. How DARE he put me in this position. How DARE he kiss me.
I'm free. I'm single. I don't have repurcussions to deal with (besides tonsilitis). He has the girlfriend. I'm allowed to like who I want, and I actively made the decision to not go after Pete and to move on. He's the one who keeps me hanging on. He kisses me and then doesn't talk to me for a week and expects that to be ok. He KISSED ME for fucks sake. Thats supposed to mean something. But no it doesn't. Coz he loves his girlfriend. So sticking his tongue down my throat doesnt matter. Coz he doesn't like me enough to dump her, coz he has his cushy little home and just living his life means not being lonely.
I'm the one who when the kissing is done and we move apart is left with nothing. He gets to go home and fuck his girlfriend. Hes the one who has someone there. I'm stood round waiting for him to show me a little bit of attention. Coz I say I'm trying to move on, but I'm not moving on. I haven't found anyone else and I let this all happen again. So how have I moved on? Everytime he drops me a flirty glance or puts his arm round me for a tad too long I let him and I'm swept up again. I'm literally stood waiting in the background and I'm going to be there until he tells me to fuck off.
But for some reason he wants me there. Hes playing games with me, and I'm letting him. And its so fucking stupid and its something I said I'd never do. I cannot believe I'm the girl who waits around for a blokes girlfriend to turn her back so she can have a quickie. But thats who I am.
I've been invited to another party at Pete and Tash's house in 3 weeks. I know I shouldn't go. But I want too.
Tom won't let me go. Oh he won't try to stop me. He just won't "let" me. He'll play the mental game he does where he gives me a condescending look that makes me think he's judging me and will say "OOOOOkay then" and I'll feel bad and guilty. Then he won't be going and when I'm like "I think I'm going to go" he'll be all "Really? You sure?" and I'll have to justify myself that I cant cut these people out of my life without it looking weird so I have to go to keep up appearences. Then he'll tell me to be careful and not get into any trouble and it'll make me feel guilty that hes judging me again and that I don't want him to see me as that person.
Coz I'm not this person. Not really. I'm just unsure how to handle this situation. I'm completely out of my depth and have no idea what to do.
Tom obviously knows what happened last Friday.
He was pretty sober by that time in the morning, so he noticed very quickly when I wasn't there, and when Pete wasn't there. He isn't an idiot.
He said he considered coming to find me, but didn't want to walk in on anything.
He said that at one point Tash noticed both me and Pete weren't there... but it was only fleeting... and she was really really drunk.
He also mentioned that its really fucking obvious to anyone who isn't blind drunk that there is something going on with me and Pete. I mean, Tom is quite observant so I take that with a pinch of salt. But apparently anyone who was sober in the room could have noticed the atmosphere between me and him when we were all back into the room.
I was sat in the kitchen feeling rough on Sat morning and he just came in and said "So what did you do last night? You disappeared for like half an hour... and so did Pete.... what happened?"
I was going to deny it. Angie told me I shouldn't but I was going to. I started to say "Nothing happened" but Tom knew something had. I'm bad at lying to Tom. So I told him I kissed Pete again, but nothing else happened. And it was fine coz it was nothing that hadn't happened before. But that I should probably talk to Pete.
I said it all with a bit of a giggle.
I'm trying to play it off as not a big deal. Coz its easier to laugh it off with Tom. But it did mean that for the whole day any time he saw me he just laughed at me. Coz he found it hilarious.
He did say that it probably wasn't a big deal though. That Pete and Tash seem to have this weird relationship dynamic and he wouldn't be surprised if both of them had cheated on one another. That Pete kissing me wasn't a big deal to their relationship.
Way to talk me down off my cloud. Pete kissing me wasn't a big deal. He probably just wanted a snog. Whatever.
When I got tonsilitis it just caused more amusement. Everyone has decided that I'm allergic to Pete so going anywhere near him again is out of the question. When I told Tom I'd got tonsilitis again (which wasnt until Wed so i hid it really well) he looked at me for like 5 seconds, laughed and said "Thats fucking karma that is!" which is what I thought to be honest. I knew as soon as I felt ill on Sunday that I'd got tonsilitis again and I knew I'd get so much stick for it once everyone who knew why I got it the time before realised why I'd got it again.
My life has turned into a bit of a joke with Tom.
But I'm going to turn that around.
He'll see. I'm not a bad person I just make mistakes.
Anyway. The most brilliant thing about this is actually the fact that I can shut up everyone. Coz while I was still obsessing about something that happened 9-10 months ago I was starting to agree with everyone telling me I had to shut up and get over it. But this brings it back into current ness. I'm allowed to not be over it when he's only just kissed me again. Which sucks a lot coz I know I do have to get over it. I'm not allowing this to continue. However, obsessing over it for a few more weeks is OK. Coz it is a current problem. And did not happen a lifetime ago anymore. I'm allowed to still be fucked up about it.
Brilliant. Good excuse for my mental instability at the moment then.
xxx