My Online Dating Guide for Men: What NOT To Do
I've been doing the online dating thing for 2 weeks now, and I already have a list of pet peeves when it comes to mens' profiles and the assinine things they say when they get up the nerve to send me a private message. These things are just too funny and weird to keep to myself, so I thought I'd share them in a blog (yes this is meant to be FUNNY, so don't take offense to anything I'm about to say). If you're a guy who's thinking about trying online dating, you might want to heed my advice and take notes. I'm no expert, but I'm giving you a woman's perspective. Trust me, you'll thank me later.
Profile Pic No-No's
1. Baseball caps. Need I say more? I mean seriously, baseball caps are SO not sexy, and they don't look good on anybody. Just my opinion. And yet an alarmingly large number of guys wear them in their profile pics. A lot of guys like wearing them and there's nothing wrong with that, but if you want more dates, you might want to nix the cap and focus on making your hair visible and presentable. And speaking of hair...
2. Shaved heads. I see a LOT of shaved heads on dating sites, and truth be told, I think men are so much more attractive when they have hair. You don't look cool with a shaved head, you look like Lex Luthor...or Kojak...or Dr. Evil. Yeah, I know, some guys do that bc they're self-conscious about their receding hairlines. But I still stand by what I said; you look better with hair, even if there's not much left.
3. Striking "cool" or "gangsta" poses. I recently got "winked" at by some middle-aged dork who looked like he was trying too hard to be cool...and failing miserably. He was striking a "rapper" type pose in his profile pic. Young guys can get away with this, but if you're over the age of 35 you just wind up looking like an overgrown adolescent. I know you think you look cool, but you really don't. Stop it.
4. Holding a beer and/or lounging on a couch. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a good beer or relaxing in your favorite couch or chair. But doing these things in your profile pic is a turn-off. Why? Bc women don't want a man who sits around all day, watching TV and drinking beer. And when we see you doing these things in your profile pic, we assume the worst and immediately move on to the next profile.
5. Eating. I got a "wink" from a heavyset guy who (in his profile pic) was wearing a baseball cap, wearing a muscle shirt and pigging out on nachos. What the hell made him choose that photo as his profile pic? I mean, really? He didn't look like someone I'd want to date, he looked like some redneck slob you'd see at a county fair. If you're looking for dates, leave food (and baseball caps, and unflattering clothes) out of the picture. Literally.
6. Trying too hard to be sexy. Oh, if only I had a quarter for every time I saw a profile pic that showcases a man's feeble attempts at "making love to the camera" with exaggerated come hither looks and ridiculously masculine poses. These guys just make me roll my eyes and laugh about how stupid they look as I move on to the next guy.
7. Having an arm around another woman. You know that's your sister/aunt/cousin you're with in the picture, but I don't know that. It might seem like a small thing, but it really is a turn-off when guys have pics of themselves with other women. Just sayin'.
8. No pictures. When a guy with no profile picture (and no other pics on his profile) expresses an interest in me, I immediately dismiss him bc I get the sense that he's hiding something. Either that, or he has very low self-esteem and doesn't have any pics bc he's afraid his appearance might repel women like garlic repels vampires. I don't care how ugly you think you are, if you present yourself looking your best and you seem like a decent guy, you'll have better luck than someone with NO picture.
What NOT To Do When Messaging A Potential Date
A lot of guys have messaged me in a short amount of time, and truth be told, 99.9% of them ended up in the "trash" for various reasons. Here are common, recurring things guys do and say that make me (and other women I'm sure) press the "Delete" button faster than you can say "single":
1. I've gotten a surprising number of messages that simply said, "You're cute/beautiful/hot, I'd like to get to know you better." To me, this sounds like you're just looking for a piece of ass. Yes, women love sincere compliments. But when you use this approach, it sounds like you looked at my profile pic and didn't bother to read my profile to learn what I'm like, or what I'm looking for in a partner. If you think I'm pretty but don't take the time to check out what I have to say, why should I even bother with you?
2. Bad pickup lines and sexual innuendos are a HUGE no-no. One guy sent me a message that simply said, "Paint me naked?" Uh, I don't think so you friggin' perv. Maybe he was just trying to be funny, but I was not amused. Guys, be sincere when you write to us. It doesn't matter if you look like a cross between Channing Tatum and Ryan Gosling or have a butt load of money, if you're not sincere and respectful, I don't want anything to do with you.
3. Too much too soon is yet another deal breaker. I once received a message from a complete stranger who actually talked about the prospect of spending our lives together and insisted that he thought I might be The One. I know from experience that guys who come on strong in the beginning are bad news. You know what happened here? I blocked him and his oh-so-cleverly crafted note was tossed into the proverbial "trash" bin.
4. Cheesy screen names. They aren't cute or funny, they're just ridiculous and make me want to gag. Women like me aren't going to take you seriously if you have a name like sexgod69 or party_guy. And for that matter, names like UrTeddyBear (no thanks, you can be someone else's teddybear) and and kissmenow (I think I'll pass) just make me roll my eyes and make gagging noises as I leave your page and continue my "man shopping".
5. Men who are WAY out of my specified age range contacting me are annoying. Many women like to date men who are much older (or younger) than themselves, and that's perfectly okay. But when I specify on my profile that I don't want to date anyone who's more than ten years older than me, it's frustrating to have all these old geezers "winking" at me and messaging me. I can't tell you how many 50-somethings have done this. Dude, you're my mom's age. I'd feel like I was dating my dad. Ew.
So yeah. There ya go, some valuable pointers for guys doing the online dating thing (or just amusing and entertaining reading for everybody else). If you've had any funny experiences with online dating that you'd like to share, please comment. Thanks for reading!