You are still here

[psychdramaqueen]

I hate that you are still in my heart
That I see you everywhere
I still find myself sleeping on your side of the bed, still
I hate it that I still think of it as your side of the bed

I hate looking for you in Adam
I hate myself for not letting go
I hate myself for doing what I did and not thinking it through
I hate myself for thinking too much and caring about what people think

I want to be married to you
But at the same time, I don't want to go through this being married and being stuck
I planned on only having you
You weren't the best and I am limiting myself

You are fat and bald and ugly and wasting myself on you
why can't i see this for myself?????
You are also moving on
You aren't tortured
You don't miss me

I miss the cuddling
I miss the affection
I miss having someone to be fully comfortable with for my body
I hate having to go through the unsure process all over again