When I am screaming on the inside......
That is when EVERYONE ELSE has their own problems
With the snow, it took me over an hour and a half to get home. I cried the whole way. About a lot of things. I was disturbed but what Angelina said but then that got me thinking about Alex and how he thought how beautiful I really was and if anyone else would make me feel that way again.
So there I am on Hwy 169, cranking on the really sad favorites I have on my iPod playlist and crying really hard while I sit through bumper to bumper traffic. Sometimes you just have to cry. It helped. I don't feel sad anymore. I hear that it should take you a certain amount of time to get over your significant other. In this case, how ever long your relationship was, cut that in half and that is your mourning period.
1 month down, 4 1/2 to go.
I hate it when people say that they want their alone time. That they cherish it. I can't help but take that personally. I am alone ALL the time and it drives me CRAZY! I can't think of stuff to do, I eat, I watch TONS of movies but going out by myself always makes me feel pathetic. If I want to go out, I want to be with people. I STRIVE for the interaction. Talking about a movie we saw, how much we suck at bowling, trying different foods we ordered. Driving together is the most fun. Just listening to random music. Singing at the top of our lungs. Going nowhere and just being there.
When I am alone, all I have is me. I have my mind to play the domino effect and remind me about all the things that are painful to remember. Like when I listened to Foo Fighters with Alex, when he made love to me, when I did those embarrassing parties at college with Ciara and Anna. My mind scares me because I know what it is and what I am capable of. I would never do it. But just knowing that it is still in me and knowing that at any minute, I could snap, stop writing this, run into the kitchen and stab myself right in front of Aaron.
My brain assures me that I could actually pull it off and no one would be the wiser for a long time. Like no one would find me. Or I could do it in silence and everyone would be so wrapped up in their own lives that they won't know what would happen until it was too late. It was almost like a guarantee.
I am not going to kill myself. But when I am alone, there is nothing to stop me from thinking about it.