here now.

[psuedo_darling]

 i feel bad sometimes, about the hearts, the backs, i've had to break to get myself here.  when 'here' isn't really any much further from 'there', just a whole hell of a lot different.  i am sorry about the hurt i have caused, the ties i have broken, the dreams i have smashed underfoot in an attempt to get better, the things i stole, the tears.  i am a whole new person--no drugs, a different hair color, a different car, a whole new set of phone numbers i dial, new values, wants, dreams, goals.  i laugh about different things, crying is the same.  in the past, people were always telling me that time heals all wounds and i have to disagree.  of course, each day that has gone by has gotten better, easier, but i attribute it more to drastic change and a face toward the future.  change of mind, of heart, of soul is the only way i progressed and grew.  i crossed a whole bunch of nobodies off my friend's list, stopped sugar coating my addictions, won't revisit some of the same towns, get out less, try less to fit in...i am no longer a trainwreck on a slow winding course through my own personal hell.  i fell in love, that helped tremendously.  i know a love that is constant and faithful and strong and i have never felt that before.  for all the times i had said 'i love you' to someone else, i almost wish i could take it back because it was completely untrue.  of course, there are days when i let my self-esteem get the best of me, sit back scared while my mind plays its dirty little tricks, but i am getting better, stronger.  i love the little things too much to let anything get to my head.

we go through phases, i know mine have been a bit long winded in the past but i am ready to grow up, grow together, build a life out of what faith i have and spend my future with the boy i love.  not a phase, a forever.