here.
at work . i feel. cut-off/stifled. i have grown far too accustomed to taking overly long showers whenever the fuck i feel like it. shouting expletives. singing loudly. stealing candy almost everyday from the ninety-nine cent store. kissing and hugging my boyfriend incessantly. laughing. bong tokes at five a.m.. bong tokes whenever the fuck i feel like it. pills. my cave. throwing up after every meal.
work restrooms are far too public. there is no room or private way to thrash about on the floor while crying uncontrollably. i can't dry heave without first biting down on the cardigan that i've balled up to fit in my mouth to muffle the sound. throwing up is obviously out of the question. there is nowhere to let all the inside seep outside.
i slept alone last night on the living room floor. i carefully arranged all of our blankets into a nest proportioned for one body. completely aware that i was going to sleep fitfully or not at all. i worried the entire night that the rat would be dead by morning. she isn't, thank god, but last night she was breathing so uneasily. i had irrational (as in, maybe way too fucking irrational even for my head) dreams that have seriously mind-fucked me so hard that i can't stop thinking about them. i just missed him (he is sweet and kind and good and i am bad, bad, bad). hands down.
i am: upside down. in love. a mess. alone. always.
nothing is really broken. i just can't fix it.
work restrooms are far too public. there is no room or private way to thrash about on the floor while crying uncontrollably. i can't dry heave without first biting down on the cardigan that i've balled up to fit in my mouth to muffle the sound. throwing up is obviously out of the question. there is nowhere to let all the inside seep outside.
i slept alone last night on the living room floor. i carefully arranged all of our blankets into a nest proportioned for one body. completely aware that i was going to sleep fitfully or not at all. i worried the entire night that the rat would be dead by morning. she isn't, thank god, but last night she was breathing so uneasily. i had irrational (as in, maybe way too fucking irrational even for my head) dreams that have seriously mind-fucked me so hard that i can't stop thinking about them. i just missed him (he is sweet and kind and good and i am bad, bad, bad). hands down.
i am: upside down. in love. a mess. alone. always.
nothing is really broken. i just can't fix it.