a cry.
i am putting this out here because i believe in the power of love and the power of prayer and i am definitely not shy to say that i need gigantic helpings of both at this time. i am not complaining. the Lord has been gracious in that i have been blessed with such a beautiful family full of surprising, eccentric, wonderful people (not to mention, the fabulous handful of people i consider my friends, a car that runs, and a cake-y job). and whenever i sit back and think about my nieces and nephews, i am literally bursting with pride (an almost eerie feeling, who me--right?). i love them with such a strangely huge capacity that sometimes i am alarmed about how precious a commodity they have become in my life. those kids are my happy thoughts, constantly.
life has been a struggle, but i am a good person with good intentions and i know that i am blessed each day with happy things. Jesus never really lets me sit and wait too long for my bag of sunshine. i know this. i feel this when giant butterflies float lazily on breezes in my backyard. past my trees. trees that bear fruit to eat and provide shade to rest under and protect baby birds in their nests while they grow. isn't that reminder enough that the Lord is everywhere? but it has been a hard life. sometimes self-inflicted and sometimes it is just the luck-of-the-draw (as in, God's will). i try to take it all in stride, but somedays it just gets to me. i feel a little stunted, a little sad, when i stop and think about my dad being wheelchair bound--it just kills me to see such a strong man rely on someone to change his diapers and feed him breakfast. i feel a little worn thin with our constant visits to the emergency room for my mom and her weak veins--a result of her pregnancies with my sister and i. last week, for the first time in my life i truly felt fear. i thought we were going to lose her. the only woman that can talk me down off cliffs, edges. no, no. the only woman period. she is capable of everything and then some. limitless. i felt scared, lost even, when the only boy that knew me--inside and out--decided that we no longer needed to be together. like ten years of patience, misery, mistakes, and hope had been swept out from under me. what i realize now is that it was the best thing that has ever happened to me--hands down. i was so focused on what i had lost, that i was slow at discovering all the things that i had gained. the Lord has basically handed me everything i needed to start a new life, feel new feelings, be me and yet grow--grow, grow grow!!!
this is what i'm asking/hoping/wishing for (from myself, from others): pray for me. please send up happy thoughts to whoever/whatever you pray to. tonight i will be meeting with a very nice guy regarding our potential new home and i am fearful that this is going to fall through. i just want this to be the huge beacon of happiness, hope, faith that all of us have been needing. this is a chance to start a new life, build a new family, with people i love and already consider family, but on a new level. pray that my mom builds upon the Lord's strength to help her overcome her health problems. pray for love. pray for my dad and that we work together as a team to care for him. pray for patience. pray for the baby birds, the butterflies.
i have hope. my head, my heart, my hands. all of them with Jesus.