opening up/realize this
I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable tonight.
Something inside me has been changing into what I’m completely unaware of.
I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore, and yet I have the clearest image on who I used to be, who I want to be, and who I am allowed to be.
I feel like knowing this isn’t enough, especially when everyone around me expects me to be part of them as well.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with the fact that I am everyone that I start to break down, but not totally. For some reason God never allows me to completely snap, that would be the easy thing to do, and well we all know how integral I am on finishing something that I’ve already started.
I’ve been thinking an awful lot recently about how I feel, and whether or not my feelings have valid motives for their power and conviction.
Although I tend to trust people WAY too easily (and that could either be so incredible of a gift, or so horrible of a curse), I feel that that is necessary in order to make a first impression of my love for humanity at first impression. But honestly, why must I feel like I need to impress anybody?
I think that I’m depressed, I think that it has a lot to do with how I let things go; not in the way that you drop an issue, but in the way that you allow things to get too carried away. I wonder if sometimes I’m an asshole, or if I'm selfish, or whether or not people’s opinions of me really matter.
I don’t know why I feel compelled to please everyone.
I really crave the urge to cry, because although it’s childish and kind of (well) “me,” it has been the only way that I can show myself that I can break down, even if it’s just a little bit. But recently I haven’t been able to cry, and that makes me angry, it makes me feel like I need to be hurt deeply (emotionally or physically) so that I could just cry and feel better.
But I'm a lucky person (LUCKY ME! (Sarcasm)), and all that I get is pleasure out of everyone else. I love people; people love me (cocky, and somewhat arrogant…I apologize). so how the FUCK can’t I find what I’m looking for?
And that’s not to say I’ll go looking around desperately for it, but it’s enough that it makes me want to hide all my emotions, so that no one knows how or why I feel the way that I do.
Like I need to be shut off from the world.
Like I need to be shut off (dead).
And thinking about how I love life, with an extreme amount of faith, this current feeling is a main cause of indecision and the stem of my depression.
It just feels like I’m already gone…and it hurts…a lot.
Something inside me has been changing into what I’m completely unaware of.
I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore, and yet I have the clearest image on who I used to be, who I want to be, and who I am allowed to be.
I feel like knowing this isn’t enough, especially when everyone around me expects me to be part of them as well.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with the fact that I am everyone that I start to break down, but not totally. For some reason God never allows me to completely snap, that would be the easy thing to do, and well we all know how integral I am on finishing something that I’ve already started.
I’ve been thinking an awful lot recently about how I feel, and whether or not my feelings have valid motives for their power and conviction.
Although I tend to trust people WAY too easily (and that could either be so incredible of a gift, or so horrible of a curse), I feel that that is necessary in order to make a first impression of my love for humanity at first impression. But honestly, why must I feel like I need to impress anybody?
I think that I’m depressed, I think that it has a lot to do with how I let things go; not in the way that you drop an issue, but in the way that you allow things to get too carried away. I wonder if sometimes I’m an asshole, or if I'm selfish, or whether or not people’s opinions of me really matter.
I don’t know why I feel compelled to please everyone.
I really crave the urge to cry, because although it’s childish and kind of (well) “me,” it has been the only way that I can show myself that I can break down, even if it’s just a little bit. But recently I haven’t been able to cry, and that makes me angry, it makes me feel like I need to be hurt deeply (emotionally or physically) so that I could just cry and feel better.
But I'm a lucky person (LUCKY ME! (Sarcasm)), and all that I get is pleasure out of everyone else. I love people; people love me (cocky, and somewhat arrogant…I apologize). so how the FUCK can’t I find what I’m looking for?
And that’s not to say I’ll go looking around desperately for it, but it’s enough that it makes me want to hide all my emotions, so that no one knows how or why I feel the way that I do.
Like I need to be shut off from the world.
Like I need to be shut off (dead).
And thinking about how I love life, with an extreme amount of faith, this current feeling is a main cause of indecision and the stem of my depression.
It just feels like I’m already gone…and it hurts…a lot.