done
Someone is going to push one button too many today, and I feel sorry for whoever that might be, because my patience and my temper and my empathy, it's gone. Done. Finished. Bring it on. If something or someone does not smash and break into a million jagged pieces today, I think I will honest to freaking god lose my mind. I'm doing everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen here at work, but my sense of self-preservation is apparently running dry too. Thank GOD for a friend here to let me blow off steam when stupid disrespectful condescending, albeit done in the name of "watching out for me and trying to make me look good", things are said to me.
Went to pick up meds I refilled last week - they didn't have any record I refilled MINE, but Kelsey's were there. Cause a second trip is exactly what I want to make. Awesome.
Having extreme issues sleeping. Seriously waking up in so much PAIN in my legs, I can't even think of a way to adequately describe it. They sting like when you have dry skin and scratch too much, which makes you want to scratch more, which then makes it burn and sting more. They feel like pressure is building up from inside, and if I don't move them, they will burst open like sausages with too much meat inside. They ache, and the only thing that stops that is to move them. Wiggle them. Slide them up and down on the sheets. Get up and walk, or stretch. Then they stop hurting. It all goes away the second I move. But it's 1am. 2am. 3am. I'm so tired I'm crying so I go lie down and in minutes it comes back. I remember feeling this growing up, the worst time being once in Holland when I was there with mom and my brother, and the three of us had to share a bedroom...I was exhausted and my legs hurt SO much and wouldn't stop, and my mom got so upset with me because nothing worked. Except now I'm my mom, and I'm feeling the hurt AND getting upset with myself at the same time. Lying still, it feels like things are crawling on my legs, IN my legs, what the fuck.
I've read enough descriptions to know it's probably RLS, and I'm smart enough to know that the only things used to treat this are the drugs used to treat Fibro, because, gasp and shock, RLS and Fibro are often hand in hand, and every fucking drug used to help with this I've taken and it's destroyed me. So now what. It's not enough I am completely lacking in restful sleep, I'm losing words every day, I'm sad and lonely and hurting, my stomach is making god awful noises that have people looking at me in sympathy or surprise during meetings, but now I'm apparently moving up a notch in the "We can't do a fucking thing to help you have fun with that" ladder of stupid inane unexplained untreatable blown-off medical issues so now I get to add this badge to my ever growing collection?
I don't know how to keep doing this and smiling. What the HELL is there to smile about.
Went to pick up meds I refilled last week - they didn't have any record I refilled MINE, but Kelsey's were there. Cause a second trip is exactly what I want to make. Awesome.
Having extreme issues sleeping. Seriously waking up in so much PAIN in my legs, I can't even think of a way to adequately describe it. They sting like when you have dry skin and scratch too much, which makes you want to scratch more, which then makes it burn and sting more. They feel like pressure is building up from inside, and if I don't move them, they will burst open like sausages with too much meat inside. They ache, and the only thing that stops that is to move them. Wiggle them. Slide them up and down on the sheets. Get up and walk, or stretch. Then they stop hurting. It all goes away the second I move. But it's 1am. 2am. 3am. I'm so tired I'm crying so I go lie down and in minutes it comes back. I remember feeling this growing up, the worst time being once in Holland when I was there with mom and my brother, and the three of us had to share a bedroom...I was exhausted and my legs hurt SO much and wouldn't stop, and my mom got so upset with me because nothing worked. Except now I'm my mom, and I'm feeling the hurt AND getting upset with myself at the same time. Lying still, it feels like things are crawling on my legs, IN my legs, what the fuck.
I've read enough descriptions to know it's probably RLS, and I'm smart enough to know that the only things used to treat this are the drugs used to treat Fibro, because, gasp and shock, RLS and Fibro are often hand in hand, and every fucking drug used to help with this I've taken and it's destroyed me. So now what. It's not enough I am completely lacking in restful sleep, I'm losing words every day, I'm sad and lonely and hurting, my stomach is making god awful noises that have people looking at me in sympathy or surprise during meetings, but now I'm apparently moving up a notch in the "We can't do a fucking thing to help you have fun with that" ladder of stupid inane unexplained untreatable blown-off medical issues so now I get to add this badge to my ever growing collection?
I don't know how to keep doing this and smiling. What the HELL is there to smile about.