Possession, and faith in chaos
A mystery has become more and more sincerely unraveled to me over the last couple years that we are continually controlled by the loss of the things we hold dear to us. In the romantic side of life, this loss is often represented by the person we hold dearest, the one closest to our hearts, that holds our emotional well-being in the palm of their hands. I have through life’s travels become attune to ideas of an exclusive love owning someone, so much power aimed by it’s purveyor in a purely single direction. I’ve explored theories of the ‘correct’ way to treat our ability to love, both from the inside of it’s grasp and from afar, from a place of solitude and at times from a place of loneliness. I can say only this about my findings- that they are as malleable with time and experience as anything we can perceive but never truly explain.
The world of emotion is vast. Some find themselves living in it, heeding it’s every call, while others avoid it entirely. It is often through exploration of our romantic feelings for others that we find many roots to the backdoors and hidden hallways of our intentions in daily life; some even argue that every move we make regarding our appearance is in one way or another linked to our profound desires to develop attractions with others. So much lies in the unconscious that we may never really know the cause for actions we take, however we can speculate that emotions potentially motivate us more than anything else. In the cosmic world of passion and feeling, the ends always seemingly justify the means.
In dissecting the common perception that we are only meant to possess romantic love for one person at a time, a single and significant other, we must visit the fundamental programming that (socially) brought this hallmark to become so widely accepted.
Without boring you by way of lecture on primitive man and tribalism, we can safely say it has been religious commitment that has guided our species through the millennia. Different religions, however, shroud themselves in different beliefs, and what is religion but a way to instill a collective morality into society? Many of the largely accepted religious groups, as well as many tribal observances, honor the ideal of commitment for a lifetime between one man and one woman. The marriage of a couple symbolizes their attachment to one another and their sharing of the trials of life. Many cultures actually feel that it is of the utmost priority in this life, that it is the highest of goals- to wed, to be fruitful and alas, multiply.
Time-honored traditions and fundamental ways of thought have been highly honored in the development of civilization, but it is this new era of our social evolution that many of these cornerstones have been questioned, dared and eventually challenged by our ability to use our greatest strength, our intellect. The roots of all we know religiously, collectively and socially are all of a primitive relevance, they are the ways of life that brought us into the age we stand, quivering in the sight of; the age of change.
Some religions however, have known for thousands of years that man cannot isolate an ability such as that of love and focus it on one person, solely, for the remainder of their lives. The spirit itself is able to connect with many different people in many different ways, expanding with experience one’s perception of romance and mystifying our souls with the spectrum of happiness experienced from one romantic interaction to the next. Once it is known that there is ultimately never just one ‘right’ person with whom to share a life, it is in that realization we begin to question the threads that the majority of relationships find themselves dangling by in any given moment- commitment and monogamy.
For many years I succumbed to the ideal that we are ever searching for that ‘one’ person prophesized to complete our lives, and in this preconception I lost sight of many things. In the ideal of a search for a single person with whom there would be some immeasurable compatibility, I tended to compare every trait of every person I had known romantically to those of an image of someone that, in all likeliness, doesn’t physically exist. In retrospect, it’s staggering to realize how far from reality possession of this ideal is, as it keeps us looking down at our prospective lovers and friends rather than focusing on appreciation for what is unique to them, the little things that make them special to us.
Compatibility on a spiritual plane is an intriguing and blissfully astonishing thing, as it knows nothing of gender or age or race. People who wouldn’t normally consider themselves gay could find a person of the same sex with whom they are intensely connected to on a spiritual level, romance could easily form, and a sexual relationship could be born of that connection regardless of the pursuer’s conceived orientation.
I was incredibly blessed recently with a lesson in love, one that changed my entire view of not only affection and attraction, but of life and vitality and what exactly it means to have love in your life. I used to think that it existed only between two people, because of their connection, that it could dissipate over the course of their relationship and the person’s actions could dictate the love you have for them. I suppose the only way to describe the enlightenment I stand astonished by in this instance is to compare it to something familiar, like Neo from the Matrix, being brought out into the ‘real’ world and learning how very different things are than he had previously believed them to be. The magnitude reflected there is such that I realize about what love really is now.
Try to see love as your spirit would, seeping through every organic substance in the universe and illuminating all the world; not what the brain would recognize as serotonin temporarily showering through synapses and nerve endings and the pseudo-euphoria therein, genuinely understand why that feeling is beautiful and you shall reveal that it is transient at the most. See not the chemicals but the force behind them. Find an ethereal bliss in which to live and feel in that moment the universe surround you, feel it take you in it’s arms and realize there is truly nothing to fear; understand that all eternity is immured in something strong and real, something that can never solely exist inside of one human being but rather something that every human and animal and plant and mountainside exists inside of. When in that moment you find what love really is, you find something bigger than addiction, bigger than fear or loss or pain or regret; it is the root of hope and optimism, the umbrella under which all the most beautiful facets of existence are born.
It is in this spiritual discovery that we find the errors of our flesh, the jealousy that consumes our primitive programming and the violent responses created by our emotions. Under this great umbrella of life and respect for one another the answers become clear to our petty mortal questions, our insecurities vanish in the understanding that we are part of a magnificent whole, delivered by our mother Earth into a fleshy bond that provides physical substance to encompass our massive spiritual energy. Fear has no place here, illusions like control and purpose reveal their petty and trivial nature and once embraced as the truth, this realization provides the greatest contentment imaginable. Peace can never truly be known outside of this truth, and even the fear of death is lost in that light.
Ultimately it is by this understanding I’ve come to re-evaluate the nature of relationships, and in assessment I found beauty where there was once hatred, genuine sympathy where there was once only anger and bitterness; many fateful trials have I endured, but the anguish was only ever a product of this physical being. The largest factor I now see as flawed in relationships, in this revived perception of love, is the unnatural possessiveness of two people committing to one another for a lifetime. I used to believe that the inherent beauty lie in the sacrifice those involved made for each other, but in the new light I realized the amount of problems caused by the strict nature of that commitment; two people who could be living much more fulfilled and truly happy with one another were they in agreement that the soul is ever searching for connections in others and that exploring those connections is imperative to spiritual triumph within oneself.
One of the biggest struggles in understanding this concept and exploring the curiosity it provoked, for me, was having been underhanded and lied to in relationships almost to a pattern, and wondering if infidelity in a monogamous relationship was inevitable, as that’s the way it began to seem. Also factored in were self-esteem issues and other deep-seeded psychological tendencies to attract those who meant ’harm’. As I explored the expansiveness of love and appreciation for others, selflessly, all the anger regarding these trials soon left me and I discovered the beauty that existed between my unfaithful partners and their conquests. It was jealousy that I wasn’t experiencing it with them, it was selfish anger that drove the grudges I so held against them. All in all I found that every emotionally-charged response to their actions was nothing but that -emotion- an all-too-human and primitive instinct. It was only in finding a love that was bigger than anything I could’ve imagined that I saw those control issues dissipate, the grudges lift and the contentment settle into my soul. Finally everything I was ‘settling’ with made perfect sense, and in that moment I smiled from a place that I never had before; it was the moment I let go, and in that moment I became truly free.
There is an internal strength we are capable of as spiritual beings, a power unbeknownst to me prior to awakening in the arms of real love, and in this strength we find a peaceful detachment from the need to fulfill and define ourselves through the relationships we build with others. Never are the roots of pretentious behavior or desire to feel connected revealed until this clarity presents itself, and the peace with which it fills our souls leaves us content to separate from those we care deeply for; there will always be tears and emotional trauma, so very real, so very human, but when we acknowledge ourselves as embraced eternally by the arms of love we will forever see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am slowly evolving from what I was, and in working through many stale resolves to problems and losses past I feel better every day because of that light. I see things very differently now but my personality and social behavior will be the last things to see the change. Never is change this intense an overnight venture, and it is in acknowledgement of that fact that I feel the weight lifting with every sun that sets over the mountains where my heart truly resides. All in all I feel very different, lighter, better about my perception of our social chaos and the preconceptions therein. It’s difficult business to discover something so powerful with a mere smudge of inspiration, then having that source removed from your physical life but exploring it indefinitely in spirit; connected still with what it was that brought vigor and vitality back into life itself.
“Love is BIG. It's bigger than relationships and the way they sour. It's bigger than communication mishaps and circumstance and the contents of a letter and the hashing out of consciousness in half-asleep heart wrenching dreams. It's bigger than other people's perceptions. It's just all-consuming life-affirmingly BIG. It doesn't depend on anyone else in our lives or any other factor, it's merely a cultivation of the heart we put into living, embracing all that comes. “ -Lauren Tejeda
On that note, I think it's about time to have a walk in the rain, smiling, and love every second of it...
*I’m dedicating this piece to she who opened my eyes and mind like no one else ever has; she who gave me more than transient sentiment and mortal hope, and gave me the tools to experience life and understand for myself what it truly is to love. Thank you Lauren for the inspiration, you’re a blessing to all*