Humboldt Better Get Back To Me Soon...
...because I'm beginning to feel like everything I do down here is cursed. I keep making the wrong decisions. (No, this is not about the job. I made the right decision there.) This is about my relationships with people.
Why am I so fucking stupid?
I need to meet new people, and I need to choose the right people down here. And I need to think about what I'm doing more. Ugh.
To top it all off, now that everything is in to Humboldt - application, transcript, letter for reinstatement - I can't help but feel this huge knot in my chest that somehow I'm going to get denied. The counselors there have told me I'm pretty much a shoe-in, and my transfer grades and letter are high caliber, but I won't know until I know.
I think part of it has to do with the knowledge that if I somehow don't get in, it wasn't my fault. I know, I know, that sounds weird, right? Shouldn't I be worried that something is my fault? But here's the thing.
I'm used to my own failures. I've accidentally missed deadlines, or realized too late that something critical was missing. It sucks, and I kick myself for it, but there's always that idea that I might have gotten whatever it was except for that crucial mistake I made.
But being denied by the college, with all my stuff in, with my full effort behind it and nothing left to chance? Well, that would mean that I wasn't good enough. Not even at my best.
I don't know why I'm even worrying about it, except that it's a massive life-changing thing that I don't control and that I have no way of knowing the answer to. So I guess that's why I'm worrying about it. Not to mention having to figure out living arrangements, moving arrangements, job arrangements, money arrangements...all that, if and when I do get accepted.
I'm scared.
The tutoring job's going well though. I guess there's that.
Why am I so fucking stupid?
I need to meet new people, and I need to choose the right people down here. And I need to think about what I'm doing more. Ugh.
To top it all off, now that everything is in to Humboldt - application, transcript, letter for reinstatement - I can't help but feel this huge knot in my chest that somehow I'm going to get denied. The counselors there have told me I'm pretty much a shoe-in, and my transfer grades and letter are high caliber, but I won't know until I know.
I think part of it has to do with the knowledge that if I somehow don't get in, it wasn't my fault. I know, I know, that sounds weird, right? Shouldn't I be worried that something is my fault? But here's the thing.
I'm used to my own failures. I've accidentally missed deadlines, or realized too late that something critical was missing. It sucks, and I kick myself for it, but there's always that idea that I might have gotten whatever it was except for that crucial mistake I made.
But being denied by the college, with all my stuff in, with my full effort behind it and nothing left to chance? Well, that would mean that I wasn't good enough. Not even at my best.
I don't know why I'm even worrying about it, except that it's a massive life-changing thing that I don't control and that I have no way of knowing the answer to. So I guess that's why I'm worrying about it. Not to mention having to figure out living arrangements, moving arrangements, job arrangements, money arrangements...all that, if and when I do get accepted.
I'm scared.
The tutoring job's going well though. I guess there's that.