You Thought I Wasn't Coming Back Here, Didn't You.
I'm hardly going to promise to come back here for good, as that usually seals the deal on another six-month hiatus. But I clicked the LJ tab on Firefox tonight and here I am.
Lately I've been having sharp headaches and, more unusually, a strange feeling in my neck. It feels like I'm...overly aware of my neck, and it makes me want to keep my head down or cover the area with something. Sometimes it feels like I'm being choked, very lightly, without any real constriction on my air flow. I don't know what it is - maybe it's nothing.
Life is a clusterfuck of good and bad. I'd use more polite language, but man, that term really embodies the feeling, you know? I love my job, which is a strange feeling, but I do. Tutoring high schoolers puts me inches away from the actual career I want, and I have enough independence to experiment with the kind of teacher I want to be but have enough structure behind me where I'm not wading out too deep, too fast. I love my coworkers (with the exception of one, but I can't really fault him because he is so far in left field that he's normalized my quirks to the other tutors). It's a strange feeling, being the "normal" guy instead of the weird one. So I can't fault the other tutor entirely, even if he is annoying and unnerving 75% of the time.
Speaking of jobs, I found a message on my answering machine from a local credit union asking me if I want a job with them. Funny how they wait until I'm employed to give me a shot...but it's a part-time position, so there is a small chance I can take it and work two jobs. How strange would that be? From zero to two in about a month, and it would definitely help in the finances department. But there's no way I'm giving up the tutoring job, it's just too good for me.
School is school. I'm set to return to Humboldt State this fall, and that's somewhat unnerving, but it's not my first time flying the proverbial coop so it's less a sense for mysterious foreboding and more a sense of "man, that's going to be a lot of work to reorganize my life again." But I need to do it - both for a degree and for closure to a part of my past I'm less than proud of. Even with going to school down here for a year or two, it hasn't felt like I've really moved ahead to where I want to be, but I know that's partially because I'm in Victorville. This place does an excellent job of making you feel like you're knee-deep in a tar pit.
School and work...brings me to relationships. Man. Wow. I don't even know what to say. Isn't it strange that we can actually be at a loss to explain how we feel about things? On one hand, there's a girl I've liked for some time who I mesh with exceedingly well, but for whatever reason isn't attracted to me. I've gone on a date or two with other girls since having feelings for her, but clearly none of them stuck. She told me she had a date that got canceled with someone tonight, and I was less jealous or sad than I would have though I'd be. Maybe I got over it? Maybe I just don't care. There's a girl at my job who is available and absolutely cute, but she's a little out of my league. Although...since taking this job and reconnecting with some friends it's become more and more clear to me that there are less problems standing in the way of me and relationships than I think. For awhile I thought my quirks would forever be a condemning factor, but more and more they're not only accepted but embraced by (very attractive!) women I meet, and that's sort of new.
But that's not even the whole relationship story, situation, whatever you want to call it right now...there's more, perhaps the most important part, but it's that stuff that I'm the most unsure about, and it definitely requires some thought. Like the job offer I mentioned earlier, knowing I have time and ability and something to contribute is making me actually question options in terms of what I feel is best for me, rather than simply jumping on a bandwagon because it might happen to be passing by, even if that bandwagon is in some ways amazing and in some ways difficult to predict. I realize this paragraph is probably completely unintelligible. Even the parts that are understandable are probably not conveying the right message. I don't know what to think.
Well, that was certainly a proper entry. I'm not making promises to write another any time soon, and I realize many of my fellow LJ friends have since done as I have and parted ways with this site, but there are still a few of you left and this is as good a place to try to sort things out as any.
Hmmm.
Lately I've been having sharp headaches and, more unusually, a strange feeling in my neck. It feels like I'm...overly aware of my neck, and it makes me want to keep my head down or cover the area with something. Sometimes it feels like I'm being choked, very lightly, without any real constriction on my air flow. I don't know what it is - maybe it's nothing.
Life is a clusterfuck of good and bad. I'd use more polite language, but man, that term really embodies the feeling, you know? I love my job, which is a strange feeling, but I do. Tutoring high schoolers puts me inches away from the actual career I want, and I have enough independence to experiment with the kind of teacher I want to be but have enough structure behind me where I'm not wading out too deep, too fast. I love my coworkers (with the exception of one, but I can't really fault him because he is so far in left field that he's normalized my quirks to the other tutors). It's a strange feeling, being the "normal" guy instead of the weird one. So I can't fault the other tutor entirely, even if he is annoying and unnerving 75% of the time.
Speaking of jobs, I found a message on my answering machine from a local credit union asking me if I want a job with them. Funny how they wait until I'm employed to give me a shot...but it's a part-time position, so there is a small chance I can take it and work two jobs. How strange would that be? From zero to two in about a month, and it would definitely help in the finances department. But there's no way I'm giving up the tutoring job, it's just too good for me.
School is school. I'm set to return to Humboldt State this fall, and that's somewhat unnerving, but it's not my first time flying the proverbial coop so it's less a sense for mysterious foreboding and more a sense of "man, that's going to be a lot of work to reorganize my life again." But I need to do it - both for a degree and for closure to a part of my past I'm less than proud of. Even with going to school down here for a year or two, it hasn't felt like I've really moved ahead to where I want to be, but I know that's partially because I'm in Victorville. This place does an excellent job of making you feel like you're knee-deep in a tar pit.
School and work...brings me to relationships. Man. Wow. I don't even know what to say. Isn't it strange that we can actually be at a loss to explain how we feel about things? On one hand, there's a girl I've liked for some time who I mesh with exceedingly well, but for whatever reason isn't attracted to me. I've gone on a date or two with other girls since having feelings for her, but clearly none of them stuck. She told me she had a date that got canceled with someone tonight, and I was less jealous or sad than I would have though I'd be. Maybe I got over it? Maybe I just don't care. There's a girl at my job who is available and absolutely cute, but she's a little out of my league. Although...since taking this job and reconnecting with some friends it's become more and more clear to me that there are less problems standing in the way of me and relationships than I think. For awhile I thought my quirks would forever be a condemning factor, but more and more they're not only accepted but embraced by (very attractive!) women I meet, and that's sort of new.
But that's not even the whole relationship story, situation, whatever you want to call it right now...there's more, perhaps the most important part, but it's that stuff that I'm the most unsure about, and it definitely requires some thought. Like the job offer I mentioned earlier, knowing I have time and ability and something to contribute is making me actually question options in terms of what I feel is best for me, rather than simply jumping on a bandwagon because it might happen to be passing by, even if that bandwagon is in some ways amazing and in some ways difficult to predict. I realize this paragraph is probably completely unintelligible. Even the parts that are understandable are probably not conveying the right message. I don't know what to think.
Well, that was certainly a proper entry. I'm not making promises to write another any time soon, and I realize many of my fellow LJ friends have since done as I have and parted ways with this site, but there are still a few of you left and this is as good a place to try to sort things out as any.
Hmmm.