Hate++
I don’t write much when I have little to say, I’ll try to change that a little. I am ‘The Mirror of Erised’… I can’t explain it plainly enough for everyone to understand, but I will try. I am what you see of me. I am what you want to see in me. The people I go to school with could probably better explain it if they new, or cared, what ‘The Mirror of Erised’ is. Though my Ex’s would be the best people to ask, I doubt most of them would understand. I am what the heart desires… of me. I’m not stupid, but there are many who still believe to this day that I am. I have had to stop telling people what I’m thinking, because they’re not ready to hear what it is that I feel. Not that there aren’t people who know me better than others, but that they still see me as one thing or another. I’m the guy who needs to look at the keyboard to type, even though the only reason I look at the keyboard is to know where I’m at on the keyboard not the letters I type, I look at the keyboard even though my favorite typing platform is some bastardized form of ‘The Quick Brown Fox Jumped Lazy’ and even most of the numbers are mixed up. I’m the guy who’s too quiet, I’m the guy who’s too loud. I’m the guy who’s too hairy, too smart, too dumb, too… whatever it is that you want me to be.
I think my best friend Chris said it best “There are people who like you, people who hate you, and people who haven’t yet met you.”. I love Chris for that, because I feel that he’s known me better than most people will ever even venture to learn about me. I am, what you make of me. Maybe most of my ex’s didn’t really want me for one reason or another… I became all they thought they wanted of me… too nice, too sweet, too caring, too… all the opposites. Even my instructors are torn between me being a good student and a bad one. I’ve stopped opening books, because most of my instructors don’t teach from the text, and when they do, it’s so… common sense that there was never a reason to open the book too begin with. OR! Everything they grade is from the book and very little from what we did in class that it didn’t matter if I showed up at all.
I bring this up because of listening to Lynnzie’s voice messages from her mother. She thinks that I’ve been doing horrible things to Payge because she’s had problems putting her to bed. Payge has screamed before while putting her to bed. There will rarely be a last time for this event until she’s older and has left adult supervision. Karen thinks I do horrible things to her because “I’ve been around enough kids to know, that this is not normal, this behavior is not normal, it’s not the ‘Terrible Twos’, it’s a little girl who’s… something’s wrong” … WTF?!? So… apparently… I’m a horrible father because when it’s time for bed, my daughter goes to bed for me. … WTF?!?!?!!! I’m abusing her or something?!? I’m… beating her until she blacks out from pain and just falls right asleep? I sure as hell don’t let her lay awake in bed screaming and crying! Seeing as how even Lynnzie whenever Payge is being restless tells me to let it go, because the last thing in the world I can stand is my DAUGHTER crying. I hate it when girls cry, because there’s usually very little that I can do. My daughter on the other hand only needs to be held in my arms and sang to, to get her to calm down. For that, I should win ‘Father of The Year’!!!
I rarely share my moments with my daughter, because I don’t want to seem weak. My daughter is my biggest weakness. If you had someone, who barely knew you… crawl up from behind you while reading or typing, or playing guitar, wrap their arms around you, kiss you on the cheek and say ‘I love you Dada’ then… maybe you’d understand too. So the thought that I would do ANYTHING, to hurt this little girl, in ANY WAY!!! Might hurt you too. I would sooner torture everyone in this planet than allow ANYONE to hurt my daughter, so the fact that someone thinks that I would be mean, or rude, or CRUEL to her, is the most horrible thing that anyone could ever say about me. As a side note, because I need to end this… when Payge was about One years old she grabbed something… I don’t remember what it was, but she wouldn’t listen, and I told her again ‘NO!’ and it still didn’t sink in, and I smacked her hand, and she looked up at me and burst into tears. I felt like shit. That is the last time I was even able to grab her hand in anger. A little over a year later, she was doing something that both her mother and I deemed wrong, and all I said was ‘Payge’… but apparently I said it too forcefully, because she cried.
I may not be ‘Father of The Year’ material, but I love my daughter more than anything on this planet, ever present, conceived, will be, or even thought of. Anyone who has an inkling of what my mother and her siblings went through would not doubt, that I would more than kill for my daughters safety, and would never EVER, do ANYTHING against her well being. … I am, what you think I am. But in your own eyes, and to you. I’m too filled with love and sorrow to ever hurt another living being without just cause. And to you Karen. I hope that hell holds a special place for the ‘Holier Than Thous’ and that you will suffer, for all of eternity in this place, because… Well... If God (Or the Flying Spaghetti Monster) can forgive you, so shall I.
Sry if it doesn't make complete sence... it was like 1:30 in the morning and I was way too pissed to think straight.
I think my best friend Chris said it best “There are people who like you, people who hate you, and people who haven’t yet met you.”. I love Chris for that, because I feel that he’s known me better than most people will ever even venture to learn about me. I am, what you make of me. Maybe most of my ex’s didn’t really want me for one reason or another… I became all they thought they wanted of me… too nice, too sweet, too caring, too… all the opposites. Even my instructors are torn between me being a good student and a bad one. I’ve stopped opening books, because most of my instructors don’t teach from the text, and when they do, it’s so… common sense that there was never a reason to open the book too begin with. OR! Everything they grade is from the book and very little from what we did in class that it didn’t matter if I showed up at all.
I bring this up because of listening to Lynnzie’s voice messages from her mother. She thinks that I’ve been doing horrible things to Payge because she’s had problems putting her to bed. Payge has screamed before while putting her to bed. There will rarely be a last time for this event until she’s older and has left adult supervision. Karen thinks I do horrible things to her because “I’ve been around enough kids to know, that this is not normal, this behavior is not normal, it’s not the ‘Terrible Twos’, it’s a little girl who’s… something’s wrong” … WTF?!? So… apparently… I’m a horrible father because when it’s time for bed, my daughter goes to bed for me. … WTF?!?!?!!! I’m abusing her or something?!? I’m… beating her until she blacks out from pain and just falls right asleep? I sure as hell don’t let her lay awake in bed screaming and crying! Seeing as how even Lynnzie whenever Payge is being restless tells me to let it go, because the last thing in the world I can stand is my DAUGHTER crying. I hate it when girls cry, because there’s usually very little that I can do. My daughter on the other hand only needs to be held in my arms and sang to, to get her to calm down. For that, I should win ‘Father of The Year’!!!
I rarely share my moments with my daughter, because I don’t want to seem weak. My daughter is my biggest weakness. If you had someone, who barely knew you… crawl up from behind you while reading or typing, or playing guitar, wrap their arms around you, kiss you on the cheek and say ‘I love you Dada’ then… maybe you’d understand too. So the thought that I would do ANYTHING, to hurt this little girl, in ANY WAY!!! Might hurt you too. I would sooner torture everyone in this planet than allow ANYONE to hurt my daughter, so the fact that someone thinks that I would be mean, or rude, or CRUEL to her, is the most horrible thing that anyone could ever say about me. As a side note, because I need to end this… when Payge was about One years old she grabbed something… I don’t remember what it was, but she wouldn’t listen, and I told her again ‘NO!’ and it still didn’t sink in, and I smacked her hand, and she looked up at me and burst into tears. I felt like shit. That is the last time I was even able to grab her hand in anger. A little over a year later, she was doing something that both her mother and I deemed wrong, and all I said was ‘Payge’… but apparently I said it too forcefully, because she cried.
I may not be ‘Father of The Year’ material, but I love my daughter more than anything on this planet, ever present, conceived, will be, or even thought of. Anyone who has an inkling of what my mother and her siblings went through would not doubt, that I would more than kill for my daughters safety, and would never EVER, do ANYTHING against her well being. … I am, what you think I am. But in your own eyes, and to you. I’m too filled with love and sorrow to ever hurt another living being without just cause. And to you Karen. I hope that hell holds a special place for the ‘Holier Than Thous’ and that you will suffer, for all of eternity in this place, because… Well... If God (Or the Flying Spaghetti Monster) can forgive you, so shall I.
Sry if it doesn't make complete sence... it was like 1:30 in the morning and I was way too pissed to think straight.