Completely Masochistic (At least I don't cut myself)
I don't know who decided that there should be a social system for love, but they need to be shot. I know fatter guys, and uglier guys, and smarter guys, and dumber guys, and weaker guys and stronger guys, short, tall, crippled, multi-racial, ethnic, et cetera, that are happy in their lives because they have someone that they love to share their lives with. Why am I all alone? Why isn't there a line of girls waiting for me? Why can't I find someone who is... well... at LEAST on my level. I know I'm above average in many areas, but I'm not the only one who is, and I'm defiantly the only one who ever will be. I've had my heart destroyed twice in 2 months... Who the fuck am I? Why can no one... especially my Exs, tell me what's wrong with me? What it is about me that makes me some kind if freak. 3 of my last girlfriends fought with me for over a year to stay with me, 2 of those for over two, and one... the one I can't seem to live without, even though she is NOTHING of what my life needs, for so many years, I can barely remember a time where we weren't together, or breaking apart. We've broken each others hearts many times... and I know... and I guess, that I am to blame.
I broke up with her 8 years ago, and I've been trying for the last 7 years to get her back. Why? Was she the only girl who ever loved me? Was she the only girl that... well... Was she the only ANYTHING that no one else was? Maybe it's because she loved me, and needed me, and she wasn't brilliant, and she wasn't talented, and... and I was in the spotlight. Yet everything I did, I did for her. I could slack off, I could do nothing better than Jack In The Box for the rest of my life, but at least I'd be happy because I'd have her. I'd be happy for the rest of my fucking life, because I'd have her.
She told me I'm collecting stuff, and that I am wealthy, that I can afford such and such things, and new things that will make me happy. What is ANY of it? Without someone to share it with. Fucking shit. Is it too much to ask for to get something that you don't have to pay for? is it too much to ask to fucking give some love and actually get a little back? More than a little... a LOT, the fucking mother load of love, the fucking big T! True, endless, un-dieing, infinite, laughing in the face of danger, spreading love were even we go... someone who will hold me the way she holds me... who will never leave, who... I don't have to worry about. True Happiness is... no regrets. No Fear, No Hope, No Prayers, No Wishes, only dreams.
A fucking Dream, is that was true happiness is, like a fucking movie you're watching on your eyes. Feeling everything as if you were there, because your mind is there and it's leading you and you're following, and there is no over thinking, no under-thinking, only action. "No Sweat, no glory" Complete emotional exhaustion, and you logically drop dead and Veg out.
How does my life benefit from wanting to hold her, when I can't. Why does my brain hold on to all these happy thoughts that bring me nothing but pain? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I so stuck inside my head that I can't get out, and then I drink to destroy it, and now I've actually started to notice the difference in my speech from the drinking. I sound almost drunk... or maybe it's because the more I drink,the less I talk, and the less I talk the less I talk, and my only form of communication is typing and music. ... Wait... I talk all day at my job... maybe that helps. =o)
Bottom line, I'm un-happy, and I don't think it's a chemical imbalance, I am what I am, and I enjoy who I am, but I'll always want moor, and I guess I'll always be un-happy... because I don't have enough short term goals, just a bunch of uber-long-term goals, and although family is one of those goals... there aren't any short term goals for finding someone, I just figure when the time is right, she'll waltz into my life and I'll suddenly, like I'm living in a dream, be happy again, never-ending.
I broke up with her 8 years ago, and I've been trying for the last 7 years to get her back. Why? Was she the only girl who ever loved me? Was she the only girl that... well... Was she the only ANYTHING that no one else was? Maybe it's because she loved me, and needed me, and she wasn't brilliant, and she wasn't talented, and... and I was in the spotlight. Yet everything I did, I did for her. I could slack off, I could do nothing better than Jack In The Box for the rest of my life, but at least I'd be happy because I'd have her. I'd be happy for the rest of my fucking life, because I'd have her.
She told me I'm collecting stuff, and that I am wealthy, that I can afford such and such things, and new things that will make me happy. What is ANY of it? Without someone to share it with. Fucking shit. Is it too much to ask for to get something that you don't have to pay for? is it too much to ask to fucking give some love and actually get a little back? More than a little... a LOT, the fucking mother load of love, the fucking big T! True, endless, un-dieing, infinite, laughing in the face of danger, spreading love were even we go... someone who will hold me the way she holds me... who will never leave, who... I don't have to worry about. True Happiness is... no regrets. No Fear, No Hope, No Prayers, No Wishes, only dreams.
A fucking Dream, is that was true happiness is, like a fucking movie you're watching on your eyes. Feeling everything as if you were there, because your mind is there and it's leading you and you're following, and there is no over thinking, no under-thinking, only action. "No Sweat, no glory" Complete emotional exhaustion, and you logically drop dead and Veg out.
How does my life benefit from wanting to hold her, when I can't. Why does my brain hold on to all these happy thoughts that bring me nothing but pain? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I so stuck inside my head that I can't get out, and then I drink to destroy it, and now I've actually started to notice the difference in my speech from the drinking. I sound almost drunk... or maybe it's because the more I drink,the less I talk, and the less I talk the less I talk, and my only form of communication is typing and music. ... Wait... I talk all day at my job... maybe that helps. =o)
Bottom line, I'm un-happy, and I don't think it's a chemical imbalance, I am what I am, and I enjoy who I am, but I'll always want moor, and I guess I'll always be un-happy... because I don't have enough short term goals, just a bunch of uber-long-term goals, and although family is one of those goals... there aren't any short term goals for finding someone, I just figure when the time is right, she'll waltz into my life and I'll suddenly, like I'm living in a dream, be happy again, never-ending.