(no subject)
every time i decide to sit down and write in here, i end up feeling very uninspired. tonight i am just trying to procrastinate from writing a paper and reading. i have to say, i haven't been making much time for procrastination lately, because my time is at a premium.
i was talking to Hieu last night online and she told me it's ok that i don't write in here often because when i do, it's a long entry, so it balances out. that's another thing i don't do much anymore, talk on IM. or keep in touch with people. even some of my friends here seem distant. and that's how it goes, i know, but it still bothers me.
it's because of school, i figure, and actually, in this case it is. i work sundays and mondays at the ice cream store, tuesdays and wednesdays at my field internship, and thursdays and fridays i have class. the rest of the time i am doing homework, or drinking and trying to fit in that little bit of socialization time that i can on friday night and saturday. so that leaves me pretty much zero time for any efforts to keep up with people.
but i'm not too bothered by this. there are some good benefits to this crazy-ass school schedule. after my 10 weeks of no life, i am going to have a break from class from Thanksgiving until after New Year's. during this time i will be making appearances in Maryland for holiday festivities, as well as the much-awaited Glenelg 5-year reunion. in true ho co style, this event is supposedly going to be a bonfire with a band and beer pong tournament... that costs 10 dollars a person. crazy, i know. it is being planned by Nicky, who is actually supposed to be planning this stuff, and a bunch of fools who still live in ho co and wish they were still in college. but hey, i like beer pong. and i'm pretty sure that most of the people there will be people i didn't really know or like that much in high school, but that works for me because then i can make up stories and pretend i have been doing something really cool with my life.
i realized that i haven't been back to Maryland since last year at Christmas. almost a year. that's the longest i've been totally and entirely away from there. i'm kind of scared, actually. i wonder if i've forgotten the way things are on the East Coast, or if i'll hate it over there now that i am so used to things being laid back, with no Columbia Mall or beltway or traffic on 32. because let's be honest here, Denver is a city, but not a real one. it's the kind of city where you never have to deal with the things that suck about real cities like the ones on the East Coast. but i don't know, i mean, i still miss Maryland all the time. and i'll see my friends and family, which will be great. so, home peeps, get ready for some good times when i blow back through there!
anyway, i have been thinking about a lot of deep things lately. about friendships, relationships, religion, oppression, gender, the system, the man... my classes and my life seem to be running in circles around the things that are really fucked up in the world. and i've never been able to bring myself to be a pessimist or just give up, but some days it just weighs on me. and every day i think of what i am doing and wonder what's wrong with me, why i can't do more. my friend Matt is going to use his political connections and change the world with the knowledge he gets from social work school. me, i don't think i can do that. i am going to keep plugging along, working within a system that is getting worse every day. and i have my reasons for it, but i wish i could do something more, something bigger. my friend Warren wrote that he's "so scared of being forgotten." and maybe i am, too. or it's not that i care if i'm forgotten, it's that i wish i could do something worthy of being remembered. whatever it is i do, i want it to be important. and maybe i can do something to change the system, and i want to believe that people can do things like that, but sometimes i don't know. but i guess the point is that you have to want to make change and care about things like this to even get started. anyway, aside from debt, this is what i am getting from my education. so maybe by the time my 10-year high school reunion rolls around, i will have actually done something really cool with my life.
i was talking to Hieu last night online and she told me it's ok that i don't write in here often because when i do, it's a long entry, so it balances out. that's another thing i don't do much anymore, talk on IM. or keep in touch with people. even some of my friends here seem distant. and that's how it goes, i know, but it still bothers me.
it's because of school, i figure, and actually, in this case it is. i work sundays and mondays at the ice cream store, tuesdays and wednesdays at my field internship, and thursdays and fridays i have class. the rest of the time i am doing homework, or drinking and trying to fit in that little bit of socialization time that i can on friday night and saturday. so that leaves me pretty much zero time for any efforts to keep up with people.
but i'm not too bothered by this. there are some good benefits to this crazy-ass school schedule. after my 10 weeks of no life, i am going to have a break from class from Thanksgiving until after New Year's. during this time i will be making appearances in Maryland for holiday festivities, as well as the much-awaited Glenelg 5-year reunion. in true ho co style, this event is supposedly going to be a bonfire with a band and beer pong tournament... that costs 10 dollars a person. crazy, i know. it is being planned by Nicky, who is actually supposed to be planning this stuff, and a bunch of fools who still live in ho co and wish they were still in college. but hey, i like beer pong. and i'm pretty sure that most of the people there will be people i didn't really know or like that much in high school, but that works for me because then i can make up stories and pretend i have been doing something really cool with my life.
i realized that i haven't been back to Maryland since last year at Christmas. almost a year. that's the longest i've been totally and entirely away from there. i'm kind of scared, actually. i wonder if i've forgotten the way things are on the East Coast, or if i'll hate it over there now that i am so used to things being laid back, with no Columbia Mall or beltway or traffic on 32. because let's be honest here, Denver is a city, but not a real one. it's the kind of city where you never have to deal with the things that suck about real cities like the ones on the East Coast. but i don't know, i mean, i still miss Maryland all the time. and i'll see my friends and family, which will be great. so, home peeps, get ready for some good times when i blow back through there!
anyway, i have been thinking about a lot of deep things lately. about friendships, relationships, religion, oppression, gender, the system, the man... my classes and my life seem to be running in circles around the things that are really fucked up in the world. and i've never been able to bring myself to be a pessimist or just give up, but some days it just weighs on me. and every day i think of what i am doing and wonder what's wrong with me, why i can't do more. my friend Matt is going to use his political connections and change the world with the knowledge he gets from social work school. me, i don't think i can do that. i am going to keep plugging along, working within a system that is getting worse every day. and i have my reasons for it, but i wish i could do something more, something bigger. my friend Warren wrote that he's "so scared of being forgotten." and maybe i am, too. or it's not that i care if i'm forgotten, it's that i wish i could do something worthy of being remembered. whatever it is i do, i want it to be important. and maybe i can do something to change the system, and i want to believe that people can do things like that, but sometimes i don't know. but i guess the point is that you have to want to make change and care about things like this to even get started. anyway, aside from debt, this is what i am getting from my education. so maybe by the time my 10-year high school reunion rolls around, i will have actually done something really cool with my life.