On a cocktail napkin...
The icy cold grip of fear reaches up and grabs me, choking my mind and paralyzing me with its unrelenting grip. It rids me of rational thought and destroys my fragile and tenuous hold on sanity. Just two days ago -- just last night -- I was so sure that this was what I wanted, what I was willing to die for. But now, in the light of the virgin morning, everything clear is now muddled and obscure. Where do I go from here? How do I get back to where I was? How do I reclaim what little security the new day has stolen from me?
I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing or what I'm going to do. I can't seem to live in the moment; my mind is always trying to figure out what comes next. I can barely write fast enough to keep up with my mind, which always seems to be three or four thoughts ahead. I should be better at chess...
This is the point where all my frustrations build and make me want to cry. I feel so incompetent. I don't have any answers, and the questions are incessant. I just don't know what's right. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Why would it be wrong to love you?
"Go with what you feel." That would be the more logical choice. That would be a lot easier if I knew what I was feeling. I'm so conflicted. On the one hand, all I want to do is be with you. You complete me in so many ways. You have been what I've needed and have been looking for for so long. Laying beside you all night makes me feel safe and content and at peace. Just the softness of your skin and the warmth of your body makes me so happy. You reach out and fill places in me that I didn't know were empty. There is so much potential for something wonderful, and that is so exciting to me.
You are everything I could want... but all my life I have been told that you are nothing that I could have. I need you, but I'm afraid of having you. Why? Because I can't make myself believe that this is right. In the depths of my soul, I believe -- me, not anyone thinking for me -- I believe that this is wrong. Forget the fact that I'm confused about what I want, forget the fact that some day I will want children of my own -- not adopting someone else's child, but a child that looks like me -- forget all that stuff. Just thinking about my identity as a man or about my latent conscience, this feels wrong.
So, how is this possible? How can something feel completely right and completely wrong at the same time?
Scent of a man: you wear my soul like cologne...
I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing or what I'm going to do. I can't seem to live in the moment; my mind is always trying to figure out what comes next. I can barely write fast enough to keep up with my mind, which always seems to be three or four thoughts ahead. I should be better at chess...
This is the point where all my frustrations build and make me want to cry. I feel so incompetent. I don't have any answers, and the questions are incessant. I just don't know what's right. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Why would it be wrong to love you?
"Go with what you feel." That would be the more logical choice. That would be a lot easier if I knew what I was feeling. I'm so conflicted. On the one hand, all I want to do is be with you. You complete me in so many ways. You have been what I've needed and have been looking for for so long. Laying beside you all night makes me feel safe and content and at peace. Just the softness of your skin and the warmth of your body makes me so happy. You reach out and fill places in me that I didn't know were empty. There is so much potential for something wonderful, and that is so exciting to me.
You are everything I could want... but all my life I have been told that you are nothing that I could have. I need you, but I'm afraid of having you. Why? Because I can't make myself believe that this is right. In the depths of my soul, I believe -- me, not anyone thinking for me -- I believe that this is wrong. Forget the fact that I'm confused about what I want, forget the fact that some day I will want children of my own -- not adopting someone else's child, but a child that looks like me -- forget all that stuff. Just thinking about my identity as a man or about my latent conscience, this feels wrong.
So, how is this possible? How can something feel completely right and completely wrong at the same time?
Scent of a man: you wear my soul like cologne...