(no subject)
it is not worth coming home for such long periods of time.
when the semester ended i was eager to get back, but by the time the plane landed that eagerness had already subsided some, and after the third day here it might have been gone completely. i have spent most of the past three weeks on my bed: reading, sleeping, watching movies, so basically i have done nothing all of break and i feel like my muscles have atrophied and my brain has deteriorated and my eyes have sunk further into my head. part of it is because i don't have a car, but part of it is because i am ridiculously apathetic here, but how happy will i be to get back into some sort of swing of things, never having time for anything at school because of the immeasurable amount of knowledge i will be busy gleaning. hah hah. among other things.
so, some friends left without a word, others left with words and coffee, others are still here whom i do not see for unspecified reasons. sometimes i think being with people here is strange, not because they have changed necessarily, but because my perspective on people has changed, and it is difficult to reconcile the two. perhaps this is not the best way to go about solidifying relationships with people i have known my whole life, in fact, i think many of them are disintegrating. sometimes i am very not attached to anything and sometimes i am irrevocably clingy, but i don't know what determines this, and i don't know what it means. i suppose i am easily adaptable, which is good, i guess, since i don't know where i'm going.
i have nothing to say to my parents, ever, and as a result they think i hate them. it is not quite true, but i do not think i quite grasp the concept of family. in all my doing-nothing i have been thinking often, and i sincerely hope my own family, someday, is not like this one, caught in this web of smalltalk and aloof silences, in which no one really knows anyone else, as if we keep shaking hands saying, oh, how nice to meet you, we must get together some day, smile, smile, move on. going through motions. my mom keeps asking me if i am happy. i say yes, because it is the simplest answer: if i were to say no, i would have to give some sort of explanation, and that would be an impossible task.
i feel like it is too late to change things, anything, family-wise, friends-wise, me-wise. i will always be this socially awkward, painfully indecisive little girl who reads books and has secrets. that's fine, actually, because it suits me most of the time.
but i want to go back to school.
when the semester ended i was eager to get back, but by the time the plane landed that eagerness had already subsided some, and after the third day here it might have been gone completely. i have spent most of the past three weeks on my bed: reading, sleeping, watching movies, so basically i have done nothing all of break and i feel like my muscles have atrophied and my brain has deteriorated and my eyes have sunk further into my head. part of it is because i don't have a car, but part of it is because i am ridiculously apathetic here, but how happy will i be to get back into some sort of swing of things, never having time for anything at school because of the immeasurable amount of knowledge i will be busy gleaning. hah hah. among other things.
so, some friends left without a word, others left with words and coffee, others are still here whom i do not see for unspecified reasons. sometimes i think being with people here is strange, not because they have changed necessarily, but because my perspective on people has changed, and it is difficult to reconcile the two. perhaps this is not the best way to go about solidifying relationships with people i have known my whole life, in fact, i think many of them are disintegrating. sometimes i am very not attached to anything and sometimes i am irrevocably clingy, but i don't know what determines this, and i don't know what it means. i suppose i am easily adaptable, which is good, i guess, since i don't know where i'm going.
i have nothing to say to my parents, ever, and as a result they think i hate them. it is not quite true, but i do not think i quite grasp the concept of family. in all my doing-nothing i have been thinking often, and i sincerely hope my own family, someday, is not like this one, caught in this web of smalltalk and aloof silences, in which no one really knows anyone else, as if we keep shaking hands saying, oh, how nice to meet you, we must get together some day, smile, smile, move on. going through motions. my mom keeps asking me if i am happy. i say yes, because it is the simplest answer: if i were to say no, i would have to give some sort of explanation, and that would be an impossible task.
i feel like it is too late to change things, anything, family-wise, friends-wise, me-wise. i will always be this socially awkward, painfully indecisive little girl who reads books and has secrets. that's fine, actually, because it suits me most of the time.
but i want to go back to school.