(no subject)
if when you put yourself in a place that only contains a few, maybe two. then when it crumbles there is nothing left. and the black swarm takes in and all you have to show for all your patience, energy, and worth is worthlessness. stop pulling away from everything and everyone you tell yourself, but you can't help it. just afraid of losing and when you collect that select few and they leave it questions everything. but you do it again. and when clarity sets in as she usually does she reminds you that even within that select few there still was a wall. mostly because you won't even unlock that bolted, rusty door. you won't dare to find the key. and so when you are sad and angry and grieving you start to question why you are even doing that because what you are grieving over didn't know you anyway. maybe thats why. i wish i could let them in. i wish i tell them all how this world that i perceive really is. the way i see the sun, the trees, the flowers, the people, the bright shining lights. i try. i try to when i paint or take their photos, but it all seems in vain. a farce of disbelief and bewilderment. it feels like a straight jacket holding me as i reach out to them. i try but i just won't let myself. i'm sure its all so very obvious. the ice-9 kindah gives it away. i am addicted to the beginning. and the sickest part is i'm addicted to the end as well.
i wrote that a couple of months ago and while deleting all that i could find of late, i read it.
when the knot in your stomach seems extraordinary. when the numbers times two seems out of the ordinary. when icecream used to top off the day. and when it goes away i am left with what i started off with. and if i can push past disappointment and disarray, i can find that i am underneath it all. still living still breathing still seeing the colors and breathing the air. still mystified still in awe, and most of all still connected. i want to say things but i know that what i have to say would not be wise to live with. what i have to give i will continue to give to those who want it.
i shot the most beautiful two rolls of film today. thats when it occurred to me that in recent hours, days, i was acting like a child whose toy was just taken away. how incredibly horrifying realization. a half-amends was made. only half because i fear in the decent future due to my reaction there will be a bigger one to come.
i am consumed with excitement and wonder with this film i am going to process friday.
i always get more than i could ever imagine.
i wrote that a couple of months ago and while deleting all that i could find of late, i read it.
when the knot in your stomach seems extraordinary. when the numbers times two seems out of the ordinary. when icecream used to top off the day. and when it goes away i am left with what i started off with. and if i can push past disappointment and disarray, i can find that i am underneath it all. still living still breathing still seeing the colors and breathing the air. still mystified still in awe, and most of all still connected. i want to say things but i know that what i have to say would not be wise to live with. what i have to give i will continue to give to those who want it.
i shot the most beautiful two rolls of film today. thats when it occurred to me that in recent hours, days, i was acting like a child whose toy was just taken away. how incredibly horrifying realization. a half-amends was made. only half because i fear in the decent future due to my reaction there will be a bigger one to come.
i am consumed with excitement and wonder with this film i am going to process friday.
i always get more than i could ever imagine.