5
Ryan nods a little to himself, like he's worked something out even though he hasn't. He heads to the bathroom and turns the shower on, sitting on the closed lid of the toilet and waiting for the water to heat up. He pulls his socks off with his toes, and holds a hand under the water. He gets in quickly once it's warm enough.
The hot water's nice. Ryan tilts his head back and closes his eyes and tries not to think a lot about anything, to keep the buzzing in his head low. He wraps his arms around himself, and then he jerks off with his mouth open, leaning up against the wall, forehead pressed to the arm bracing himself. He washes his hair.
After he gets out, putting his boxers back on and toweling his hair dry, the others are still talking and laughing in the living room. Ryan looks in at them as he passes by, and Alex is sitting pressed up against Z's side, not really paying attention, tracing his finger in circles on the carpet. Ryan remembers, abruptly and vividly, Alex doing the same thing, that morning before Ryan went to go get the files. Ryan keeps walking.
He stops in Alex's bedroom, dropping his towel on a chair. His own mattress is still set up, he knows, unused in the other room for weeks now.
He gets into bed and pulls the covers up all around him, huddling down until he can warm up again, shivering since he stepped out of the shower. Alex's pillow has a couple of strands of hair on it and Ryan grins before he swipes them aside and pulls it closer, turning his face sideways onto it. This is kind of ridiculous, he thinks, but he closes his eyes anyway and breathes in and out, trying to lull himself to sleep.
It doesn't work very well, even when Ryan shifts and rolls around and settles into a more characteristic sleeping position. Footsteps pass up and down the hall a couple of times over the next few hours and every time Ryan tenses up, but nobody comes in for a long while, not until Ryan hears voices at the door, Z's and Tennessee's clear and distinct though he can't hear what they're actually saying.
Only then does the door open, and Ryan keeps his eyes shut, breathes lightly while Alex pads around the room. He hears the rustle of Alex stepping out of his pants and a low curse, wonders what happened, if Alex has stubbed his toe again or something. The mattress shifts and Ryan squeezes his eyes tight shut. Alex's feet bump against his legs. They're cold. Ryan lies perfectly still, and Alex curls uncertainly up behind Ryan, tucking his knees under Ryan's, draping an arm carefully over Ryan's waist.
Ryan breathes in and rolls over, jostling Alex. He puts one arm around Alex's back to clench his fist in the t-shirt Alex sleeps in and presses his face against Alex's chest. He's still shivering.
"You're not asleep," Alex says, quietly. Ryan doesn't dignify him with a response, just curls his fingers up tighter in the fabric. "I'm sorry."
"Not your fault."
Alex breathes out, slowly. He shifts, moves one arm under his cheek and lets the other rest somewhere around the small of Ryan's back. "You cold?"
"Uh-huh." Ryan nods. He's in so close he can hear the almost-scratching sound of his hair against the cotton of Alex's shirt.
Alex pulls him in closer. "Here, I'll share."
"What?"
"Oh, just, you can have some body heat, if you want. I'm not as cold."
"Your toes are," Ryan says, laughing soft and sleepy. His voice is muffled, and all he can smell right now is Alex, and he thinks it isn't fair that other people should try to decide what they're doing.
"They're mine, though, and I'll still respect them in the morning," Alex says, and scrunches his toes against the top of Ryan's foot.
Ryan makes a face, even though Alex can't see it. "Don't be mean."
"I'm trying to share my life experiences with you, Ross," Alex says. "You'll never know how cold my feet are unless you feel it."
"You're such a creep," Ryan says fondly. "The others didn't warn me well enough."
"They warned you, like, every other day," Alex says absently. He sounds like he's thinking about something else, so Ryan lies quiet and lets him, until Alex says, "I should have warned you more about them, maybe."
Ryan scratches lightly at Alex's back, trying to be reassuring. "Seriously, though, what are they doing?"
"I don't know." Alex shakes his head; Ryan can't see, but he feels the movement, hears the rustle of Alex's hair on his pillow. "It's some stupid game or whatever about us, I don't get the rules. They have a rulebook, though, so you know. We could always steal it and burn it."
"Yeah," Ryan says, even though he's pretty sure he doesn't want to. If they got their hands on it, they'd read it, and he's not sure he wants to know what everybody else can see.
"It's not like," Alex begins, and Ryan waits but Alex doesn't say anything more.
Ryan sighs. "You ever miss sunshine?" he asks, not quite sure where the thought's come from.
"Yeah," Alex says. Ryan turns his head so he can breathe easier, Alex's heart beating under his cheek. Alex's hand is resting on Ryan's bare back, fingers curled slightly. "Maybe, maybe tomorrow we could sneak out."
"Is that a good idea?"
"If we don't go far," Alex says. "We could -- we could go up to the roof of this building, and if we sit, like, with our backs to the wall up the top there probably no one would be able to see us, anyway."
"Okay," Ryan says. "Yes. Let's do that."
-
They're up early the next morning, and Ryan goes for the kitchen first. "We should have snacks," he explains, since Alex isn't fully awake yet, just sleepily following after him. "To celebrate."
"Oh." Alex nods, standing behind Ryan as Ryan looks in the refrigerator, and leans heavily against Ryan's back. "Makes sense."
"Grapes are quiet," Ryan says. "Right? We've got all these apples, but they're so loud."
"Grapes are, like, compact, too," Alex says. "They're modular."
"Modular," Ryan repeats, laughing a little, low and quiet. "Here, hey, I gotta." He has to lean forward to get the bag from the refrigerator, and Alex backs off and gives him the space to do it in, going to put on the tea kettle. "No coffee this morning?"
"It's a tea morning," Alex says. "Try to tell me it isn't."
"I," Ryan starts, then laughs again. "I can't. You're right. Okay. Tea it is. Or tea it'll be."
When he woke up, Ryan felt kind of wary, not entirely sure what the day would bring, the feeling lingering from last night, but those shadows are getting burned off and he's feeling good again.
It isn't ideal, but they have a couple thermoses with lids that close, so once the water has boiled and the tea has steeped Ryan pours it into those and puts them in a cloth bag with the grapes and some sunflower seeds. He hefts it over his shoulder, experimentally, and then says, "Okay, let's go."
"Wait, where are we going?"
"Up," Ryan says. "Remember?"
"Right," Alex says. "Right, okay."
They head out, through the halls and the tunnel and the manhole cover, up through the little service room and outside to the grey morning light, and scale the fire escape all fifteen stories. Ryan's tired by the time they get to the top, out of breath, and he and Alex slump together against the wall of the covered stairwell that opens onto the roof. That leads inside the building, and maybe they could have gone that way, but Ryan is not wholly sure if people live upstairs or not and Alex has never said anything either way.
They have a view to the east where the sun is still mostly coming up. Ryan's never gotten to watch the sunrise without his sunglasses, he doesn't think, unless he has. A lot of things have happened recently that he's never done before.
There are birds singing, though. Ryan doesn't know what kind. Some pigeons are huddled on the edge of the roof, cooing to one another. Ryan tosses them some of the sunflower seeds, thinking they deserve them more than he does.
Ryan sits down and unscrews the lid of his thermos and very, very carefully tips it towards his mouth, making sure the temperature is okay before even taking a real sip. It is, though, a comfortable warm that spreads to slightly chilly fingers and toes. He has shoes and socks on, but he's keeping his toes curled up in them.
Alex stands against the wall, looking out at the city below until Ryan tugs on his pant leg and Alex sits down next to him and puts his head on Ryan's shoulder. "Hey."
"Hey," Ryan says. He feels almost nervous, not that they'll get caught, but this new feeling that's tugging at him since last night, or maybe not so new, just more present.
"Hi." Alex grins at Ryan and stretches his legs out. "I can feel myself warming up," he informs Ryan, and it takes Ryan a moment to work out what he means.
"The sun's not even overhead yet, though." Alex shrugs, and Ryan can feel the bony movement of Alex's shoulder next to his. "The bricks feel warm," Ryan concedes, leaning against them, and Alex makes a humming, agreeable noise.
"I wonder how long they, like. Retain the heat or whatever."
Ryan shrugs. Alex reaches for the cloth bag and takes out the grapes, offers them to Ryan. Ryan takes three and stuffs them into his cheek, making a face, cheek bulging, and Alex laughs and tosses one up in the air, tilts his head back and opens his mouth to catch it without any hands.
"Oh, hey," Ryan says, and swallows the grapes in his mouth, trying Alex's move out himself. The grape bounces off his teeth, to be followed by one that doesn't even get near him, another that hits his nose, and one that manages to get him in the eye, making him curse and rub at it until it stops watering. "Fuck you, asshole," Ryan tells Alex, who is busy shaking with laughter beside him.
He throws another grape up and catches it this time, and the surprise is enough that he swallows it whole and nearly chokes but, whatever, he can do it. He tries it again and gets it in properly, and he smiles smugly at Alex.
Alex rolls his eyes. Ryan throws another grape up and this time Alex lunges unexpectedly, his head bumping against Ryan's, stealing the grape before Ryan can catch it and snapping his mouth shut with a self-satisfied look.
"I hate you," Ryan says, and Alex draws his knees up and presses his face against them to muffle his laughter. "Douchebag."
Alex says, "Tea," and Ryan hands him the thermos.
"Not that you deserve it," he says darkly, and Alex chokes on the tea, which is just reward, Ryan thinks. Alex sets the thermos down, and his mouth is wet. Ryan loses focus for a moment, and then Alex looks down and wipes his sleeve over his mouth and there's that prickly, nervous feeling back in the pit of Ryan's stomach, the base of his spine.
"Yeah," he says, a little aimlessly. Alex is fiddling with a loose thread in the torn knee of his jeans. Ryan doesn't want to turn them into this; he was almost sure, that they wouldn't, but he wants to be completely sure, he has enough uncertainty to last him a lifetime. Or, a very long while, at least. He bumps his shoulder against Alex's again and says, "I do, I approve of this sun thing."
Alex looks up, smiling. "It's pretty cool, I guess. Life to the planet and all that."
Ryan nods. Alex has moved his hand to Ryan's knee, is plucking at a tiny hole in his trousers. Ryan wonders if Alex has even noticed doing it.
"Sometimes I forget it exists," Ryan admits. "Like - not the sun, but the option? Being up here, I guess."
Alex's grip on Ryan's knee gets a little tighter. "You don't - we can still work it out," he says, staring at the sky getting lighter in front of them. "There's still ways - you could get to Mexico, before border security gets worse than it is now, even, or like, keep on heading down into South America, it's, it'd be okay there, and-"
"I don't really want to go anywhere you're not," Ryan says, and Alex lets out a breath.
"It's, this is going to make me sound like even more of an asshole," Alex starts, and waits a second before going on. "But it's just, you know. I'm glad."
Ryan blinks. "How does that make you sound like an asshole?"
"I don't know, I just got used to having you around and shit.”
"We could go to Mexico," Ryan says. "You and me and everyone."
Alex is quiet.
"Or further south, like you said," Ryan says. "Somewhere it'll be safe and warm. And we could, we could all live in like, a little house on the beach somewhere and, I don't know, raise llamas or something."
"Or something," Alex says. "Did I ever tell you why I'm still here?"
"No," Ryan says.
"So I went to New York a while ago, because - because some shit happened with an old friend and I wanted to be someplace else, and I knew people out there," he begins. "And New York, it's a lot different than here, right? They still have riots, and I went to so many fucking parties, you don't even know. Like, I'm just as wanted there as I am here, but there was just - it was a lot easier to get fucked up, and a lot easier to fuck shit up because people were willing to do it. You'd ask a stranger if they wanted to go break some windows, and you'd go find some bricks and break some windows."
Ryan just sits and listens, quietly, and rests his head on top of Alex's where Alex is still leaning against him.
Alex says, "And anyway, like, I was out there, and people were getting shit done, or not getting it done but - at least they were trying instead of just running and hiding, and all I could think about half the time was how fucked up it is out here and how I wanted it to be like that here, too. And I haven't really - it's not the same, but I don't want to just give up on this city, yeah? It feels like cheating."
"I don't know how much there is left to save here, though," Ryan says.
"Yeah," Alex says. "Yeah, no, I know." He goes quiet, thinking, and Ryan sits up and braids some of the hair at Alex's temple very loosely, doing a sloppy job of it before combing it back out with his fingers and just letting his hand stay where it is, part in Alex's hair at the side of his head. Alex turns his head a little so Ryan is more cupping his face.
Ryan says, soft, "Maybe you could take me to New York sometime, then."
Alex blinks at him. "Yeah?"
"Not permanently," Ryan says. "But like. I'd like to see what it was like. I'd like to see a city all -- I'd like to see it without the police."
"They're still there," Alex says.
Ryan nods, running his thumb along the line of Alex's jaw. "I know that. But, you know. Not as in control."
"Right," Alex says.
Ryan shuffles around, balancing with his free hand on Alex's knee so he doesn't fall forward too far, and tilts his forehead against Alex's, closing his eyes. He can't see the sun anymore, but he can feel it rising, light crawling across his back.
"Last night," Ryan says. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter, sees red and black swim into each other.
"I'll talk to them," Alex says, sounding a little breathless. "I'll, I don't know, I'll threaten to withhold dishes duty--"
"Greta won't feed you if you do that," Ryan tells him.
Alex is quiet for a minute, then says, "That would suck."
"Yup," Ryan agrees. He adds, in a voice just above a whisper, "That wasn't what I was talking about, really. Alex. Alex."
"Yeah," Alex says, "I'm here."
Ryan rubs his thumb over Alex's skin again, feeling his skin catch on stubble, the soft edge of Alex's bottom lip. The sun is very warm at his back. Ryan shifts a little and presses his mouth to Alex's jaw, and feels Alex let out a breath. He lifts his head a little more and kisses the corner of Alex's mouth, and almost lets his hand slip from Alex's face because he's shaking a little again, and he wonders if he'll ever stop that.
"Ryan," Alex says, voice sounding a little raw, and when Ryan lifts his head Alex has his eyes closed. Ryan grins, and kissed the end of Alex's nose. Alex says, "Oh, you suck, you're a jerk," and then his hand is sliding into Ryan's hair, tugging slightly, and he pulls Ryan down properly to his mouth.
Ryan keeps his eyes just barely open, squinting, because things get a little confusing up this close but he likes looking at Alex and the way Alex's eyelashes flutter a little - Ryan likes that word, flutter, it works but is also a little bit silly - and anyway, Ryan kisses Alex back, mouth closed and gentle. He parts his mouth, and Alex's teeth catch on his lower lip, and Ryan is very careful to keep slow and quiet.
Alex leans back against the brick wall and Ryan follows after, and they trade quick, miniature kisses, not quite settling into anything more than that.
After a while Alex squints one eye open, and turns aside so Ryan ends up kissing the corner of his mouth, instead, and Ryan thinks that's okay. But Alex says, "You think we should get inside?"
"Hmm." There's traffic on the street below, now, not much of it but the cars are audible from up here though they're not facing the right way to look down on them. Ryan thinks of how small the people on the street must be from here. He wants to lean over and watch them all day. Ryan is thinking of all this, but at the same time he is following the curve of Alex's jaw with his lips, and his teeth soon find Alex's earlobe.
"Maybe," Ryan finally answers, reluctant, and doesn't quite press his lips against Alex's jaw though he's close enough that he can feel stubble with his lips. Instead, he breathes out then sits back away again. "Okay. I'm sorry."
"What?"
"I don't know," Ryan says, because he isn't sure what it is he's apologizing for though he's sure there's something that needs it. "Do you think ..." He trails off, not sure how to finish the sentence and not sure what he was trying to ask anyway.
"Yeah," Alex says.
"Okay," Ryan nods. "I don't know what you're agreeing with, but thanks."
"Does it matter?"
"No," Ryan says, and he starts packing things back up and making sure they don't leave anything up here. The rooftop is not a particularly popular spot, and it's not likely anyone will find it if they forget anything, but Ryan doesn't want to risk it. Alex helps out, though there is not much to help with at all. Mostly all Alex does is put his thermos back in the bag, fingers bumping against Ryan's as he does, and Ryan is kind of hyperaware of Alex right now.
He's always pretty aware of Alex, keeps watch from the corner of his eye and listens on the far edges of his hearing if he even thinks Alex might be somewhere close by, and he doesn't always remember to turn that behavior off, but still, right now, Alex seems nearly too present.
He wants to hold Alex's hand, but a fire escape is not a very convenient place for that sort of thing, and they have fifteen stories to climb down. The way in to the safe house isn't very convenient, either, with the manhole, but he holds onto two of Alex's fingers for a little while as they head down the tunnel and then back inside.
The others are up and in the kitchen, talking about something, and Darren looks up and says, "Oh, good, you two are alive."
"Yeah," Alex says. "That we are."
"So we were looking at those files Ryan got, and that stuff you got from that guy the other day," Darren says. "Which, I mean, you know that, you were looking at it too, but Jeff noticed some overlaps, is all. Might be important."
"Yeah?" Alex says, fingers curled loosely around Ryan's.
Ryan kind of wants to lie down on his back and close his eyes and imagine he's looking at the stars, but instead he half-listens as Darren talks about the latest group of people traveling through town and what they're wanted for and what other rumors he's picked up about possible planned actions.
Darren says, "Z was telling me last night, she's been in touch with a guy, who's going to be bringing - well, it's going to be insane."
"I think I might go look at the ceiling," Ryan says, cheerful enough, and he wants to kiss Alex again, which is all he has wanted for a while now probably. Instead, he pulls Alex's hand up to his mouth and kisses each knuckle in turn and then lets it drop and walks off. The living room ceiling has whitewashed molding that looks different depending on where they've got the lamps, because of the way the shadows shift.
Behind him, he hears Greta saying, "Oh my god, that one's mine, I call dibs."
"You can't call fucking dibs," Sam is saying. "That's not even - we're all in the room, Greta. You can't get dibs on something that just happened."
"Guys," Alex says, and he keeps talking but Ryan manages not to pay attention. He's pretty proud of himself.
Ryan lies on the floor and his shirt rides up a little, so he can feel the carpet prickly at his back. He squints up at the ceiling, and if he half-closes his eyes and lets his vision go a little unfocused then he can almost pretend its a night sky, shadows and spots of light.
There are footsteps on the carpet but Ryan doesn't open his eyes. He doesn't know who it is, but he knows it's not Alex, and after a moment Z lies down next to him and bumps his arm with hers.
"What're you doing?" she whispers.
"Stargazing," Ryan tells her.
"Cool," Z says, and she shuffles around a little bit until her head is propped up on his arm, half on his shoulder. Usually Ryan would be annoyed but when he opens his eyes properly to look at her, she grins at him, quick and wicked, and it makes him laugh.
They lie quiet for a little while, and Ryan listens to the rise and fall of voices in the other room, though not what they're saying. He can pick out Alex's, of course, and for a while Alex sounds vaguely confused and tense and then he laughs, and Ryan relaxes. Z turns her head so she's looking at him and says, "Hey. You alright?"
Ryan blinks at her. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"
"You left early last night," Z says. "And Alex was a bit -- anyway. It was kind of a cruel dare."
"Oh," Ryan says. He raises his free hand and scratches at his stomach idly, closing his eyes again, smiling at the ceiling. "No, it's cool. We. You know, we worked it out."
Z shifts slightly, and when Ryan squints at her, she's propped herself up on her elbow, staring at him, eyebrows raised. "Yeah?"
Ryan blinks. "I don't know. What?"
"Insert death threat here, bla bla," Z says, and then drops back down on his arm and goes quiet. After a little while, she rolls to the side, clutching his sleeve, and Ryan thinks she's fallen asleep. It's kind of sweet.
He's half drowsing himself when someone else lies down on his other side. Alex says, "You tired?" and Ryan rolls his head to the side, so Alex's fingers are brushing his cheek.
"I guess," he says. He hasn't really considered it, but, "We got up earlier than usual."
"Caught that sunrise." Alex nods wisely.
Ryan grins at him. Alex doesn't move for a moment, watching Ryan, and then he rolls onto his side and kisses Ryan, and Ryan tries hard not to keep smiling and ruin it. He eases his arm out from under Z instead, trying not to wake her, and then he shuffles to the side and pulls Alex down on top of him, breathes in deep with Alex pressing him down into the carpet. It's like the way he wakes up nearly every morning, only this time he doesn't elbow Alex to get him to roll off, and Alex doesn't look away.
They break apart after a minute. Alex laughs soft and a little unsteady, says, "Z's right there."
"Yeah," Ryan says. "Don't be a creep." Alex rolls his eyes at him and Ryan asks, "Did they find any important stuff in, in the files, then?"
"Yeah," Alex says. "Some good locations, and like, the new patrol plans that they're going to put into place next month. Hopefully they won't realise we've got the information and change it, but I think we're good. I don't think they would have seen it."
"Fingers crossed," Ryan says. He spreads his legs a little, so Alex can fit neatly between. Alex laughs again, a little frantic, and presses his face against Ryan's shoulder. Ryan slides his hand under Alex's shirt and fits it to Alex's lower back, holds him there, warm and steady.
Ryan wants to kiss Alex again, and he can so he does, quick and self-assured and glad to be alive.
"Who's the creep now?" Alex asks, grinning down at him, but it still seems off. Ryan just wants to make whatever's wrong better.
"Still you," Ryan tells him. "Definitely still you."
"Oh," Alex says. "That's too bad."
Right now, Ryan keeps still, not shaking even a little, and in the simple act of being there he feels better. He tells Alex, "It's okay. I understand. You can't help it."
"You know how it is," Alex nods, his nose brushing Ryan's because they're still so close. Ryan has to squint a little cross-eyed to keep him in focus. "But - yeah, though, it's good. Few new places to get food, if everything turns out okay."
"Hmm," Ryan says, and - this is what he was afraid of - now that he's had a little he just wants more and more, and feels incredibly selfish because of it. He doesn't want to ask too much of Alex all at once, not with everything Alex has already done for him. It doesn't seem quite fair, and there are other things, things that are probably a lot more important even though right now they don't feel that way.
Alex says, dropping his voice to a whisper, "Some of the people coming through, I know them, from way back. They're - somebody says they want to try and start some shit out here."
"Yeah?"
"They were in Corpus Christi and San Antonio, when - when all that shit happened," Alex says. Ryan knows those names, remembers the news, that there had been a very gracious deal made with the Mexican government and those cities had been ceded over to them in exchange for more favorable trade agreements and a good deal of money, and Ryan's never given much thought as to whether or not he believed that. "So I don't know. What they're going to do."
"Oh," Ryan says, then, "Are you going to want to help?"
"I don't know yet," Alex says. "Maybe. Probably."
Ryan closes his eyes and pretends the faint and distant colors behind his eyes are stars, or maybe nebulas and supernovas.
"Ryan," Alex says, and he sounds a little nervous. His right hand is still fisted in Ryan's hair and he tugs a little, gentle but insistent, until Ryan opens his eyes again.
"That's good," Ryan says softly. "You were just saying about New York and -- I bet those guys will break a lot of windows with you."
"Ryan," Alex repeats, and Ryan wishes Alex wouldn't, he wishes Alex wouldn't say his name like that. "We were -- I was just explaining to you."
"Jesus, I know," Ryan says. He scowls up at Alex. "I'm not going to -- like, I'm not your mom, go for your fucking life."
"Well, yeah," Alex says. "You being my mom would be totally inappropriate, don't say anything like that ever again." He grins down at Ryan, kind of hopefully, but Ryan can't quite muster the energy to smile back.
"Okay, well," Ryan says. "When are they getting here?"
"Couple of weeks, I don't know," Alex says. "It's all -- they try not to make definite plans, I don't know. It's dangerous."
"Right, of course," Ryan says. He just wants a good thing for one day, fuck. He wishes Alex would get off him, but he can't quite make himself move, push him off.
Alex touches the side of Ryan's face, fingers stroking a tentative path down his cheek. "You could come with us," he whispers. "I. I'd like it if you came along. They should meet you. You'd like them."
Don't tell me who I'd like, Ryan thinks. He says, "Yeah, I think I told you, you know. Not so much with the useful."
Alex makes a face. "You're still on that, seriously?"
"It's not like I've magically become more useful," Ryan says. "I'm still just me, Alex. I bet - I bet they'd be real excited. Like, oooh, look, some kid who was unlucky enough to have an ex-Mormon roommate! Look, everyone, the day's just been saved!"
"Ryan, for the love of god." Alex huffs out an exasperated laugh. "You don't have to be - there'll be a lot to do. Pretty sure no one'll notice even if you decide not to do anything, but seriously."
Ryan frowns, and in response Alex twists his face up into an exaggerated pout, lip quivering, until Ryan can't help but laugh.
"Seriously, though," Alex says, very quiet. "You're - maybe I said some things, but you're useful, okay, you've done a lot."
Ryan's eyebrows go up, questioning.
Alex keeps stroking the side of Ryan's face. "I'm serious. Like, don't try to be a little bitch and argue, you've been useful as fuck. Even just having somebody else to go find food, you know? That kind of stuff matters. And. You know. Breaking people out of jail's a pretty big deal, too."
"That was mostly Z," Ryan says. "And Sam."
"And you," Alex says. He looks a little unsettled for a moment, and Ryan looks at him and can't help touching Alex's cheek, smoothing Alex's hair back. Alex repeats, "And you. Okay?"
"Okay," Ryan says.
"C'mon. Say it."
"Fine, and me, whatever," Ryan says.
"How many other people do you know can say they helped break somebody out of jail?"
Ryan half-lifts one shoulder in something like a shrug, but it's a weird gesture when made on his back. "Two."
"Shut the fuck up," Alex laughs. "Besides Z and Sam."
"Hey, hey, now you're trying to erase their efforts? That's low," Ryan says. "That's so low. You've known Z forever and you're all trying to pretend she doesn't count."
"Man, fuck you." Alex buries his head against Ryan's chest, shaking with laughter and trying to be quiet so as not to wake Z up. She's not that far away. "Look, I just," he says eventually, serious again. "Will you? Please? There'll be something for you to do. There's always something."
Ryan is quiet. He just wants to make out with Alex and pretend this conversation never happened, and that's why, that's why he didn't want things to be this way. This is what he was afraid of and why he never even let himself think it, and because he wants to go with Alex just because Alex asks.
Then again, he's not sure that would be any different.
"I wanna show you off to my friends, and then we can go to prom and get milkshakes at the old diner afterwards," Alex says, very seriously.
"By prom you mean a riot," Ryan says.
"Well." Alex pauses. "Yes. Probably."
"What are the milkshakes in this metaphor?"
Alex waggles his eyebrows. Ryan makes a horrified face.
"Please never speak to me again," he says.
He rolls over onto his stomach fast enough to dislodge Alex, but Alex is surprisingly good at hanging on, so he just ends up lying on top of Ryan's back, cackling. He nuzzles at Ryan's neck and Ryan rolls his shoulders back, trying to shrug him off, and Alex bites his ear, and Ryan starts laughing, and then Z sits up and says, "What the fuck."
They both freeze, turning to look at her slowly. Z runs a hand through her hair -- it's short enough that it doesn't look that rumpled after an impromptu nap on the floor, but there is a strand sticking up oddly -- and gives them an unimpressed look.
Alex opens his mouth.
"Seriously," Z says. "I don't want to know."
Alex shuts his mouth.
Z stands up, rolling her eyes and walking out to the kitchen, where Ryan can hear Tennessee talking in a loud, excited voice about something or other. Ryan tilts his head so he can look at Alex properly, and Alex grins sheepishly down at him.
Ryan folds his arms beneath him and rests his cheek on them. Alex doesn't show any intention of moving anytime soon, which Ryan guesses is okay, though he's a little too conscious of Alex's weight on him, Alex lined up nicely, hips pressing down against him. Alex settles himself comfortably, tucking his chin over Ryan's shoulder. "I could be your bonfire," he says, very seriously.
"Me and Jon used to have them," Ryan says. "Jonfires."
"The guy who helped you get into the police station?"
"Mmmn."
"Huh," Alex says. "And the one you got high and wrote an album with, right?"
Ryan blinks. "I'm pretty sure you weren't in the room for that conversation," he says slowly.
"I was skulking," Alex tells him.
Ryan says, "I think we've overused the word creep in this conversation, but you do invite it sometimes, you know."
"I know," Alex says. "My apologies."
He leans further in and Ryan twists around as best he can. It's an awkward angle and it hurts his neck, but he likes the way Alex runs his thumb down the line of Ryan's cheek, and he feels dizzy and a little ridiculous and mostly like he's not ever going to want to do anything else ever again. He wonders how the others haven't walked in yet, wonders if Z went and warned them. It seems uncharacteristically lucky.
"Hey," he whispers, and Alex pulls back and lets Ryan wriggle out from under him, lets him sit up properly. Ryan crosses his legs and rests his chin in his hands, grins and says, "I was going to break my neck."
"That would suck," Alex says solemnly.
"Yeah," Ryan says. "I need it."
"I've noticed that," Alex agrees. "Having a working neck’s pretty great, really.”
Ryan laughs and cups his hands around his neck, wrists together at the front so that his elbows point out awkwardly. "Well, anyway," he says. "I'm keeping it safe."
"Good plan," Alex says. He leans forward and kisses Ryan's nose, and doesn't move back out of Ryan's space but doesn't touch Ryan anymore, either. Ryan blinks up at him, blurry and vivid at once this close. "You keep doing that."
-
Ryan notices only after a few days, but time seems to be speeding up, or less of it is spent idle. Something like that.
Z and the girls go home, not because they're unwelcome, but because Z has to rendezvous with a contact of hers and after that she tells them, eyes bright with excitement, that she's going to be working on something big, that a friend of hers pulled through on some supplies the likes of which she has not seen in years.
Ryan is used to mornings being fairly slow and quiet, for the most part, but more and more people are getting up early to go places, and at any given time at least one person is out of the safehouse meeting with someone or picking something up or dropping something off.
There is a tension in the air, and Ryan can feel it tighten, feel things accelerate. It feels like waking up from a long, long dream; or like the city has been holding its breath and finally can't take it anymore. Something like that. Their radio, perpetually tuned to the local police scanner, picks up calls coming more and more often for more and more serious things, and the voices of the dispatchers and officers grow more and more harried.
Alex and Jeff are out doing something, and Ryan is getting ready to head out to meet with someone and grab more food when they get back. He's got a scarf tied around his neck that he may or may not pull up over his face later - he isn't sure yet if it will be necessary.
He hears the door from the tunnel slam, and then Alex bounds into the kitchen where Ryan’s getting ready, cheeks pink from the cold. "Ryan, Ryan. Guess what?"
"I don't know," Ryan says. "Is, uh - how important is this? Because I'm about to go."
"Holy shit, this is so important," Alex tells him. Alex's eyes are shining and he can't stop grinning as he reaches for Ryan's scarf, grabbing onto one of the tassels and leading Ryan by it to the living room.
"What?"
"Here, no, wait," Alex says, spinning around and getting behind Ryan to cover his eyes with his hands. "Jeff! Jeff, you motherfucker, get back here."
"Damn it, Alex," Jeff says, but he's around, laughing. "What?"
"Here, here," Alex says. "Dude. Give it to him. Ryan. Put your hands out. No, little wider - okay, yeah, that's good."
Ryan scrunches up his face, just so Alex can feel his impatience in a more tactile way. "What?"
"Here, ready?" Jeff asks.
"I guess so, I have no idea," Ryan says. He can sort of see light in the cracks between Alex's fingers, but nothing more distinct than that so he keeps his eyes shut. "Tell me it's nothing creepy."
"It's the least creepy thing ever," Alex tells him. "It's fucking beautiful, okay. You're going to love this. You'll love it."
"Here," Jeff says, and it takes Ryan a second to figure out what he has, and he readjusts his grip so his hand is around the neck and his other supporting the body better. "You guys'll have to share."
"See?" Alex asks.
"No," Ryan says. "I feel it, but I can't actually see it. You know."
"Oh, right," Alex says, and drops his hands from Ryan's eyes so that Ryan can get a proper look at the old acoustic guitar he's holding. The top two strings are missing, and the bottom four are horribly out of tune when he strums them each in turn, but the instrument has a strong, solid voice and is made of some of the most beautiful wood Ryan has ever seen.
Ryan lets out a breath. "This is."
"Don't tell me you can't remember what it is," Alex says, and laughs. "You've seen a guitar, right?"
"Shut up," Ryan says. "Wow. Wow, I, okay. I don't even want to leave now, but I still have to. Fuck."
"Go, go," Alex says, shoving him from behind. "Get the fuck out of here. I'm going to restring this thing and hopefully remember how to play it before you get back."
"That's not even fair." Ryan wants to spend time with the guitar, too, and with Alex, in fixing it up and making things right again. He wonders about the angle of the neck, about if anything needs tightening, if the thing can hold its tuning for more than thirty seconds at a time. He wants to play songs; he wants to write music and sing and stay up all night holding on to it.
He pulls his scarf up over his face. "Okay. Fine, whatever. I'll be back."
-
He does the food run fast enough to be a little bit dangerous, even, not watching very well where's he going. The good thing about the city at the moment is that the cops who might have been wandering around looking for someone like Ryan to slip up are all called in after much more illegal things than picking up something to eat for an underground rebel safehouse. Ryan kind of likes his life a lot sometimes, thinking things like that.
The guy who he meets has a map with some good food locations pointed out on it, and he tries to go through them really slowly, and Ryan stands there nodding his head and shuffling his feet.
On his way back he's humming, putting his fingers in chord patterns on the back of his hand. He can't remember a couple of really simple ones, but he thinks maybe once he has his hands on the guitar that will change.
When he gets inside, he dumps the bag of food on the kitchen table -- there's nothing particularly exciting there, mostly just useful stuff that they were running down on, a big new bag of rice and a tin of powdered soy milk -- and follows the sound of guitar. Alex is in Greta's room (Ryan's room, really, but it makes Ryan feel weird to think about it like that), and Greta hums a note now and then while Alex fiddles with the tuning. He's replaced the strings, Ryan sees, and when Ryan comes in he looks up and beams.
Ryan fits himself to Alex's side and says, "Okay, show me what you've got."
-
The days get busier and busier, people to meet, what seems like hundreds of errands to run, and Ryan can't help feeling useful, but only because everyone is, there's almost always something going on that someone has to do. None of them get a lot of sleep, especially because they use the hours when they could be sleeping playing the guitar, fine-tuning it, trying careful, tentative repairs.
Ryan's happy, but a little on edge; one morning he wakes up to find Alex out of bed, and when he goes out into the kitchen Alex is holding Z tight, her eyes close, ash smudged along her cheeks. Ryan doesn't mention it and Alex doesn't bring it up, but there are broadcasts all that day about a major fire destroying government records, how the police were very close to catching the assailants, and that night Alex's nightmares come back, the ones he had for weeks after the jailbreak. Ryan wakes him up and Alex lies awake for nearly two hours, shivering in Ryan's arms.
Alex comes back from a basic intelligence run one day and tells everyone, eyes bright, "They might be here in a couple of days. It's happening faster than we -- it could be now."
Ryan swallows, holding white-knuckled onto the back of the chair. He's stopped picking fights about it, but the idea of what's coming frightens him, and Alex running out headlong to meet it frightens him more. Alex looks at him, though, and his eyes are bright, and when they disband, the others filing out of the room, Alex slams Ryan up against the wall, hard enough to knock the breath out of Ryan, and they're both laughing a little when Alex kisses him. Ryan stops laughing pretty quickly, breath coming ragged, scratching at Alex's back.
"Hey," Ryan says later on, and Alex makes a grumpy sound and pushes Ryan back against the mattress, keeping him from sitting up. He laughs, and says, "Alex, c'mon, let me -- I have to -- let me up--"
"No," Alex says, arm tightening.
Ryan pets at Alex's hair soothingly, which turns out to be a mistake because Alex just makes a happy little noise and nuzzles further into him, and Ryan's probably not going to be able to get up for a while, which means dinner's going to be baked beans or whatever.
He asks instead, "What's going to be first, do you know? When your guys get here?"
"Dunno," Alex says, yawning. "I -- probably something big. They like to make a statement."
"Right," Ryan says. He stares up at the ceiling and breathes in, and Alex shifts with the movement of his chest. Ryan thinks, be brave, and closes his eyes, just for a moment.
-
Ryan doesn't mean to fall asleep, but it's been a long time since he's had a full eight hours. He doesn't stay asleep for very long, either, because he wakes up to Alex dragging his teeth against his collarbone. Ryan whines a little, because he wanted to sleep - even though he's hungry and dinner is soon - and because Alex is very warm and heavy on top of him and Ryan kind of wants a drink of water. His mouth is dry.
"You're awake," Alex tells him. "Good. Here," and Alex is tugging at Ryan's shirt - he never meant to fall asleep so he never took it off. Usually, if he falls asleep without a shirt it's an intentional choice. Alex doesn't ever get the chance to take his shirt off for him. Alex doesn't get to take much of anything off for him.
Ryan lets a breath out through his teeth. "Hi."
"Hello," Alex says, sitting up a little, hands at Ryan's sides. Alex is pressing down hard, and Ryan is suddenly very aware of how bony his ribs are and the way Alex’s fingers press against them. Ryan feels grounded in this moment. "Hey, how are you?"
"I'm awake, like you said," Ryan laughs, the sound slipping out unintentionally, and he isn't sure what he's laughing at.
Alex bends his head down to kiss over Ryan's sternum. His hair's pulled back in a loose ponytail - Ryan hasn't had time to play with it in a while - so only his bangs are out, but the ends of those tickle a bit anyway, and Ryan squirms, not really trying to get away but just feeling a little overwhelmed.
"Maybe," Alex says, skimming his fingernails over Ryan's stomach in vast, looping patterns that go as far north as his sternum but not ever quite as far south as Ryan wants. "Maybe they'll go for the state prison. Hey, up."
Ryan lifts his hips, compliant, and helps Alex in pushing down his jeans, then wonders what he's doing. This isn't - but Alex is so distracting, and Ryan wants, so it's okay.
"Or the Air Force base," Alex says, and he sounds more excited by that prospect. "Yeah, the base; the prison has too many innocent people. But the base, we'd be taking out helicopters and planes and all that shit. Buy a little time."
"Don't go, if it's military," Ryan says, distracted, and he pulls Alex up to kiss him again because he's not sure how much more he can take. "I mean - anything else," he says, between pressing quick, restless kisses to Alex's mouth. "Anywhere else. If it's the prison, one of the jails, an office building, fine, but not the air force base."
"Okay," Alex says. "Yeah, no, that would probably be a bit of a suicide mission, but if they find someone to do it - well. It's not going to be me."
"Good."
"I'm so fucking excited, though," Alex says, almost in a whisper, and Ryan curls a hand around the back of his neck. "Don't - I was going to tell you not to be scared, but it's not that you shouldn't be scared, because I'm pretty sure shit's about to get real. It's, you've got to let it go, is all. Don't let it stop you." Alex sits up again, looking down at Ryan and chewing on his own lower lip. He moves a hand lower, at the waistband of Ryan's underwear, says, "Hey, though, so I was thinking, can I - please?"
Ryan breathes in sharply, keeps himself from pushing up into Alex's hand. It's been nearly two weeks since that stupid dare, and Ryan's not a huge fan of patience and stuff when it comes to people he likes, but they live in a house full of other people, a house that's getting really busy. Mostly they've just made out a lot, and rubbed off on each other a couple of times. They share a bed and tend to wake up tangled up with each other, so of course there's been - but they haven't, they haven't-
Alex nods a little to himself and slides his hand away and Ryan gasps and presses back up into him and says, "No, no, please."
"What?"
"I mean," Ryan says, and clears his throat a little. He can't do anything about his voice, really, it's dropped lower than usual, and Alex's eyes are dark above him. "Uh. Yeah, go for your life?"
Alex laughs and slumps forward for a moment, tucking his face against Ryan's neck, nuzzling a little there. Ryan threads his hand through Alex's hair, stroking the curve of his skull, and Alex bites at his throat, sucks a kiss there that has Ryan arching his hips up, Alex's fingers slipping rough along his stomach, dipping down to trace the hollows of Ryan's hips.
"Alex," Ryan says, a little frustrated.
"I really like you, you know," Alex says conversationally, and then he slips down the bed and pulls down Ryan's underwear and takes Ryan in his mouth without any particular fanfare. Ryan's hand is still tangled in Alex's hair, and his fist clenches down without meaning to, and then he wonders if he should apologise because that's not generally considered very good manners, but Alex doesn't stop and tell him off or anything, just makes a happy little humming noise.
"Ah, fuck," Ryan says.
Alex pulls off for a moment and presses a tiny kiss to Ryan's hip. "You can pull my hair, if you like," he says.
Ryan's stamina is not particularly impressive.
-
He cooks dinner - a stirfry, in the end, rice and tofu and eggs and spring onions that Alex chops up for him in apology for distracting him - feeling just a little bit hazy, moving slow and sure, and Greta smirks at him across the table, making him flush. Darren and Alex are involved in an intense conversation about logistics and where people are staying and how many they're going to be expected to put up - not many, apparently there's some hitherto unknown safe house that will be getting most of the guests - but Alex has his hand high up on Ryan's leg under the table, and Ryan flicks a glance at the clock on the wall, wondering how soon he can get away with dragging Alex off to bed for an early night.
Jeff says, "So. Word is that it's Monday," and Alex barks a laugh. It's not a fake one, but it still makes Ryan a little uncomfortable, scraping his fork across his plate for the last grains of rice.
"Okay," Greta says, and smiles down at her plate. Ryan wonders if she's as nervous as he is. Probably not. Greta's pretty tough. "Are we ready?"
"I was born ready, baby," Darren tells her.
"I've always though that," Greta says. "I'm sorry for casting doubt upon you."
"As you should be," Darren agrees. "I forgive you, it's okay."
"Great," Greta says. "That'll help me with, you know, sleeping at night and stuff."
"I like to help out," Darren says.
"That's good news," Sam says, "since you're on dishes duty tonight," and Darren groans, slumping back in his chair. Ryan bites his lip on a smile. He hopes to fuck this doesn't change. He's not quite sure what he'd do with himself. He likes the way things are.
He doesn't realize Alex is watching him until Alex's hand slides further up his thigh, making Ryan jump. Alex grins at him, raising his eyebrows.
"If they're doing the dishes," he says, low, and Ryan nods, trying not to look too eager.
"Yeah," Ryan says. "It's, you know. Definitely bed time. Since the chores are taken care of." He fakes a yawn, covering his mouth with his hand.
"Oh my god," Darren says. "That's not fair. Sam, make them do the dishes."
"Both of them?" Sam asks. "So you don't want clean dishes, right? Because I don't think those slackers are even gonna try."
"Nope," Alex says, smiling innocently as he squeezes Ryan's leg. "Way too tired. You know how it is. I'd probably end up dropping half the plates or something."
"You can't tell me that's fair," Darren says, not to anyone in particular. He lets his head drop backwards, staring up at the ceiling before getting to his feet and clearing the last of the dishes from the table. "I'm gonna have to sue or something."
"Right, the legal system was definitely made for these kinds of disputes." Jeff nods. "I'll just see about submitting the case to the courts, you know. I'm sure no one would notice that you've been wanted for years."
"Well, no, yeah, of course not," Darren says. "This is a way more important issue. Ryan and Alex not doing chores because they're busy being huge jerks."
"One day our turns will come," Ryan tells him, trying to be consoling. He gets up, and pats Darren on the shoulder. He's trying to think what he can do that would be more patronizing, like ruffling Darren's hair maybe, but then Alex has grabbed him by the hand and is leading him away so he doesn't. "So, y'know. Gonna go grab some shut-eye."
"I wasn't aware shut-eye meant cock," Sam says.
"It's an archaic usage of the term, I'm pretty sure," Greta tells him earnestly. "From the middle ages. I think it might be derived from the Latin."
"Oh, yeah, right, the Latin," Sam nods.
Alex drags him out of the kitchen and down the hall while Ryan's still got his mouth open to respond, and Ryan ends up laughing helplessly, especially when Alex shuts the door to his bedroom and almost moves to lock it, except there isn't any lock.
"I don't think they're gonna come in, man," Ryan says.
Alex turns to stare, looking harried. “They want to ruin my life, though.”
"Yeah, of course," Ryan agrees. "I can't see why I didn't realise it earlier."
"You're against me too." Alex shakes a finger at Ryan, and then he draws closer and hovers in front of Ryan, hands tucked in his pockets. Ryan leans back against the door, waiting, and Alex's eyes dart down and up. Ryan sucks in a breath. Alex darts in closer, presses his mouth quick and warm against Ryan's, and then leans back and says, "Hey, hey."
"What's up?" Ryan whispers.
"I was thinking," Alex says. "I. We don't have to but I was wondering if you, like. Wanted to fuck."
Ryan frowns. "What have we been doing so far?" he asks, because okay, they hadn't done a lot of it yet, but Alex had blown him earlier and Ryan had totally returned the favour and he doesn't understand what -- "Oh," he says, eyes widening.
"It's a -- don't, let's not," Alex says, tripping over his words. "I want to -- can I, again, I want--"
"Do you have stuff?" Ryan asks.
Alex swallows. Ryan watches the line of his throat, the drag of his Adam's apple. "Yeah," he says.
"Okay," Ryan says. Alex is staring at him, and he's still hovering, pent up with nervous energy. Ryan shifts against the wall a bit. Alex didn't say, but -- Ryan knows what he wants, and he lets his head loll back against the wall, tilting his hips forward a little. He spreads his legs partly to keep his balance, but he knows, he knows what he wants, and Alex makes a small, rough sound. "You could kiss me again," Ryan says, working to keep his voice light, and Alex does.
It's been a while -- it's been a long, long while, if Ryan's honest, since there was anyone, let alone another guy, and he's grateful that Alex takes his time; grateful in the other way, too, where he's shaking again under Alex's gaze, Alex's full and undivided attention, the way Alex watches him like there's nothing else worth watching. Ryan throws a hand out and grips Alex's free wrist and Alex curls his hand around gently, coaxes it out of Ryan's grip so he can thread their fingers together instead.
There's a moment, when Alex has him on his knees, Ryan's cheek pressed against his arm, breathing in gasps so deep they're almost painful, where Ryan almost wants to ask Alex to stop, because it's too much, Alex will have too much of him after this and Ryan already doesn't know what he's going to do if anything goes wrong. He doesn't know what he'll do if anything goes wrong in a mundane way, the way things go wrong with people all the time, especially when Ryan is there with his spectacular failures, but especially with everything going on. Alex strokes a rough hand over Ryan's face, where he can reach it, and Ryan turns his head and nuzzles into Alex's palm and half-kisses, half-bites at Alex's fingertips, dragging his teeth along calluses.
When Alex says his name, Ryan begs. He doesn't want Alex to stop anymore, or ever again.
-
In the morning Ryan wakes up with Alex draped across him and a mouthful of Alex's hair, same as always. Every day is busy at the moment, and Ryan feels grateful for these moments. He closes his eyes and wriggles in further under Alex, pressing his nose to the sweaty hollow of Alex's throat. Alex smells good. The others can wait for a little while longer.
Eventually Alex wakes up, too. Ryan can tell from the sudden deep intake of breath and the way he stretches out a little bit. Ryan says a quiet hello, feeling very shy, and Alex smiles down at him through one half-opened eye while rubbing the crust out of the other one.
When Ryan bothers to move, he can still kind of feel it from last night. It's not a bad feeling, and not quite an ache, just different. He rolls his shoulders back and sits on the edge of the bed with his head bowed, rubbing at his face to try and wake himself up.
Today is just as full as every other day has been the past few weeks, and when Ryan looks at the clock he realizes he has somewhere to be - they got some more information from another group, and he has to relay it to someone across the other side of Sunset Boulevard. He hasn't had to cross that street yet, and he's gotten a lot of advice, but everyone else was busy when they realized someone would have to go.
Ryan takes care of it. In the near distance, everywhere he goes, he hears sirens. They never seem to get any closer or further away, and fade into ambient noise after a while. The sky is uncharacteristically overcast. The girl Ryan is meeting has a black bandana slung around her neck, and wears a black dress and black leggings. Her wide leather belt is accessorized with twin revolvers in tooled leather holsters.
By lunchtime, Ryan is back home, and he grabs some granola Greta made a few days back before he has to leave again. No one's even around when he's there. When he gets home again, though, most everyone is home.
There are people coming tomorrow.
-
In the morning, Greta does her makeup and curls her hair. Ryan spends too long picking out an interesting outfit entirely in shades of grey, and Alex doesn't bother showering but he does insist on having Ryan pretty up his hair with black and charcoal ribbons.
"We're going to be the coolest kids at the riot," Sam says over breakfast, laughing, and Alex grins at him and even Ryan is feeling the excitement. It's difficult not to. It's not for sure, yet, that anything will happen today, but it seems likely.
Patience is running low, though, everyone a little jittery since today is meant to be the day. Before he's even finished his pancakes - it's a pancake day, in celebration, because they found some vegan maple syrup that got dumped for being just a little too foamy - Jeff looks at the clock and says, "Looks like it's time for me to go. I'll be right back, okay, guys?"
"Okay," Greta says, and gives him a hug that everyone else joins in on a minute later. Ryan probably hasn't had anything to do with a group hug since, most recently, elementary school. It's kind of nice.
Twenty minutes later and Jeff is back with three guys. Alex stands up, shakes one of their hands - "Julian, man, it's been fucking ages. It's good to see you again. And you've got to be Conor, right? Hey, great. How the fuck did we never hang out before?"
Conor shrugs. "I guess we must have been busy."
"I wasn't ever busy," Alex laughs. "Unless you count being busy partying. I heard a lot about you, man, and Omaha. Good shit."
"Really, Alex?" the last guy says, and Ryan startles a little at the accent. Other than Tennessee, it's been a long time since he's heard an English accent, or anything European, really. He's been running into a lot more South and Central American accents, and Mexican ones as well, of late. What's left of the immigrant population that didn't flee home years ago is just as invested in this as the rest of them. Ryan is still surprised. "I don't even get a hello?"
"Hey Mark," Alex says, and he seems nervous, leaning in to look at Mark closely. Mark opens his arms up for a hug but Alex is busy examining him.
Mark's eyebrows go up, confused and a little puzzled. "Yes? Do I have something on my face?"
Alex laughs and shakes his head, and gives Mark a hug, but he breaks away sooner than he usually does and scuttles back a little, bumping up against Ryan. Ryan gives him a startled look and Mark tilts his head, watching Alex carefully. Alex laughs again, and then he curls his fingers around Ryan's shoulder and says, "Anyway, hey, so. This is Ryan."
Ryan waves. Julian nods at him and Conor leans forward to shake his hand. His grip is warm and firm but he's wearing sunglasses and they weird Ryan out a little bit, even though they're not government standard; vintage, he thinks probably Ray Bans.
"Nice to meet you," Mark says, smiling at him, and Ryan smiles back because Mark has a nice grin and he looks friendly and like he cares about Alex, only Alex's fingers tighten on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan turns to him, half-frowning, and Alex rolls his eyes, making a face at himself.
"All right," Ryan says aloud, and Mark and Julian give him a slightly curious look. Conor sticks his hands in his pockets and nods, but his eyes are hidden by his sunglasses so Ryan's not even sure if Conor's looking at him.
"Fuck," Mark says, shaking his head. "It has been a long, long while."
"Yeah," Alex says, still looking faintly uneasy, and then he shakes his head, face clearing and repeats, "Yes. You guys getting lazy up there or what?"
Julian laughs, rolling his eyes. "Sure, obviously," he says. "New York's a bore, you know."
"I've heard that," Alex agrees.
"This place is crazy," Conor adds, startling Ryan a little. "Our train got boarded three times, you know? The security is insane."
"You seemed to make it alright," Alex says. "But, yeah. I mean. That's the point, isn't it? Shake things up a bit."
Ryan snickers quietly. Alex gives him an affronted look, and Ryan laughs a little, tilting forward to press his mouth against Alex's shoulder. He stiffens when he realises what he's done, darting a glance up at the other three, but Alex just puts his arm around Ryan's shoulders and the only one of the guys who reacts is Mark. He looks mildly curious.
"So," Alex says, and bares his teeth when he smiles. "What's going on?"
-
They leave when the sun's only been down for a little while, the sky still with a sheen of light to it. Ryan tracks the clouds crossing it, wonders if there'll be any stars tonight. They walk all together, the group of them with Mark and Conor and Julian. Alex and the three newcomers are leading the way, and Ryan feels a little ridiculous walking up front with them, but he wants to be with Alex. It's comforting, Alex's shoulder knocking against his with every step of the way, and after a while Alex tucks his hand in the pocket of Ryan's coat. His fingers are very cold when Ryan touches them, and Ryan squeezes them just once, making Alex grin without looking at him.
A couple of blocks along the way, someone says, "Well, look who's rolled back into town," and Ryan jumps for a moment, but then Z straightens from where she's been leaning against a wall and Mark laughs. Z ruffles his hair and Conor snatches her up in a hug, and she smiles politely at Julian, and then Tennessee and Annie and Laena are coming up to join them, too. Ryan watches Tennessee out of the corner of his eye, but she just gives Mark a hug, and it's not particularly awkward but not enough, either, to suggest that she's still doing the kinds of things they were apparently doing last Thanksgiving.
Z skips in between Alex and Conor, holding both of their hands. She's got a backpack on and her face is all lit up, eyes dark. Ryan catches her eye and she smiles at him, slipping out from between Alex and Conor for a second to dart back around behind him, walking on his other side. She loops her arms around his neck and says, "How you feeling?" low enough that the others can't hear it.
"I am going to be really bad at this," Ryan tells her, and Z laughs.
"Not possible," she says. "This is what we've all been waiting for."
"Not me," Ryan says.
"Yeah, you have," Z tells him. "You know you have. You found us, didn't you?"
"You found me," Ryan says.
"You had to leave for us to do that." Z rocks up on her toes and kisses his cheek, and then Laena swoops down on them both and wraps them in a hug, and Ryan laughs as soft as he can, even when Laena tugs Z away a little and gives Ryan a faintly possessive look over the top of Z's head. Alex hasn't taken his hand out of Ryan's pocket.
"What have you got in your bag, Elizabeth?" Ryan asks.
Z thumps him in the arm, but Ryan thinks it's a reflex because her voice is the same as before when she answers, "Things that go boom."
Alex tugs Ryan into his side. "Pay attention to me," he says, frowning, and Z laughs, falling back into step with Annie, Laena's arm still around her waist.
They pick up more people along the way. Ryan doesn't recognize any of them, or at least not beyond having exchange information or supplies but never names. He's becoming conscious of how conspicuous they are, a crowd of people walking straight down the middle of the road, and him right at the front, but Alex starts humming under his breath, the same song he sings at night when Ryan can't sleep, and Ryan tilts his head back and breathes. He imagines being back in his own apartment: the times it was good, when Brendon was still there, before Spencer disappeared, before he and Jon had to stop the weekends of music and getting high and pretending like life was okay. He squeezes Alex's hand and hopes they're okay, the three of them.
They walk through the main streets, and Ryan sees a police car spot them and then speed off, and he smiles up at the sky. Z's taken things out of her backpack, and Mark is holding a strange gun that Ryan doesn't really recognize.
When they stop, they're outside the State Courthouse. Alex has his chin tilted up, staring at it, and Ryan wonders if they would have taken Alex here, if they would have bothered giving him a trial. He links their fingers together, warm in Ryan's pocket, and Z and maybe ten others break free from the group, walking forward. Ryan watches them like they're in slow motion. He can hear sirens. Alex leans into him and says, "I'm so, I'm so glad you're here."
Ryan squeezes his hand again and says, "Run," and they do, with a hundred other people, scattering across the street as flames lick their way up to the sky.