trying to reach an understanding
I believe that sexual orientation is not a choice. obviously. i do, however, believe that the way people express it- is a choice. but again- what makes you comfortable is not a choice... so in a way its not.
For gay people, there are so many ways to carry yourself. It would be impossible to say one way is "right" and one way is "wrong" for all gay people to act, dress, talk, walk, live, breathe, etc. One way is right for each person... or even a varied number of ways based on who they are surrounded by and how comfortable they are with your surroundings. Acceptance is huge. Some people need to surround themselves by accepting people in order to feel confident in their sexual or gender identity. That is natural and completely understandable.
Gay people have so many levels of "outed-ness" that sometimes, they exercise caution. For example... many people are completeley "out" to friends... but maybe not their extended family, or at work, or whatever. Depending on situations which makes a gay person feel the need to conceal or reveal. This allows that person to float from one social setting to another with slight adjustments that literally everyone makes subconciously in order to feel comfortable. (I dont drop the "f" bomb in front of my grandma... i dont talk about drinking with certain people... i dont make out with shaina in front of family members... I try to dress well when I'm in the company of gay men.)
I know these things seem fairly obvious, and they are generalizations that apply to everyone, gay or straight... perhaps with more pressure on gay people to function as a minority in society, just as any other minority functions in society. Some feel an obligation to represent their social/ethnic/gender/whatever group as a way to defend it or intentionally to further a political or social agenda. That decision is very personal. Recently I was told a story about a white female who was tlaking to an unfamiliar black female, and the white female expressed concern that the black female felt the need to correct speech and speak a way that didn't seem natural as a way to possibly "represent" or fit in or to be accepted or whatever.... whatever motivation- that representation isn't always necessary or needed. People are people. Sometimes (God forbid) we are in settings that these identities aren't being judged. For example... does it matter if the person that changes your oil is black or white? No... you just want your damn oil changed ;-)
I'm kinda rambling here... but what I'm trying to get across is that gay people of all walks of life have struggles. There are no "privileges". People who are "obviously gay" or who might be identifiable at face value as to what their sexual orientaiton is, have just as many problems and stuggles as people who might be "straight acting"... which is a phrase in itself that is highly offensive to me. highly- not because I have anything against straight people... but I dont think its fair to link together hair lengths and fashion types with a VERY large sexual identity as heterosexuality.. which is the least accurate way to describe who i am or who i love. and i usually don't speak up about this kind of thing, because I find it extremely difficult to defend my own choice of sexual identity expression, while being sensitive to the expression of anyone else... but when I or someone I care about has been criticized for the way i/they live my/their life based on some unfair allegations, I feel the need to educate based on my understandings. forgive me for the long-windedness.. im just trying to be PC and clarify what i'm trying to get across.
Being a feminine lesbian i have my own struggles... im not victimizing myself here... but i've been silent for a long time abotu this matter and now im begininnng to think that has only suggested i am not confident with my choices and therefore open to attack. which is untrue. when peopel see me... they dont automatically assume im gay. arguable... but let's just assume that to be true. this fact alone puts feminine lesbians into situtions "obvious lesbians" would never encounter. i dont want to list them.. because that doesn't really prove anything... but i think the LBGT community needs to accept all of its members AND the expression of their identity...and not criticize people for their choices. It is a personal decision how to express yourself, and NOT an obligation to express the needs and struggles of such a diverse community as the LBGT community at all times. This too is a choice. One that should be encouraged by joining together and helping people through struggles, not by attacking choices and judging different walks of life within the community.. or ranking who has it easier/harder. This only causes separation and does the exact opposite of what is trying to be accomplished. I dont care if you have rainbow hair, if you wear a t shirt that says it, if you have a tattoo that depicts it, or if you are forgettable as any joe shmoe on the street.. if you are gay- you are gay and you have the ability and the choice to influence others around you-- or not. It is not somehting you owe anyone. Or that is required. When you come out as gay or whatever you do not sign a contract stating you will furter political agenda in every action you make... its just not realistic. Activism is great. But it happens in far too many ways to criticize how and how much. Be true to yourself. Change what you feel comfortable changing. But don't expect everyone to do it the same way. And don't you dare tell someone they have it easy when you have never walked a mile in their shoes. So much judging... not enough understanding.