Fic: And All Your Little Things (PG, Harry/Niall, One Direction)
Hello! I'm still here...still writing...crackfic about boybanders turning into wildcats. As you do.
This is also on AO3 if you want to read it over there.
All the thanks to
littlerhymes, who had to listen to me whine about boybanders as cats for a lot longer than anyone should have to endure, and then lol'd in all the right places anyway. Thank you for beta-ing everything, even the crack. :)
AND ALL YOUR LITTLE THINGS
“Harry - open up!” Liam bangs on the door with the flat of his hand, not caring if it’s a bit loud for seven in the morning. They’d taken up this whole floor and the one three levels down, and by now everyone was ready to roll, on to the next city. Well, everyone except -
“Hazza! Seriously, bus leaves in 10 minutes. Plus you missed our session with Mark - what’s up with you today?”
There’s no noise, no answer, and Liam thumps on the door again. “Don’t make me use the master key - ”
“Just do it,” Louis says, coming up behind him. He looks grumpy, his usual state this early in the morning. “I want this show on the road so I can crawl into one of the bunks and go back to sleep.”
Liam sighs, but Louis has a point. He pulls out the key card that Paul gave him and swipes it through the slot in the handle. “We don’t care if you’re decent or not, we’re coming in,” he yells as a last warning before he pushes open the door.
Louis crowds up behind him, propelling him into the room. “Fuck, he’s not even packed yet,” he says in disgust, looking at Harry’s belongings still strewn over every surface. “Maybe he got really lucky last night...and this morning.”
Liam frowns and starts picking up clothes from the floor. “Thought he was wearing this last night,” he says as he chucks a loud shirt into the carry-all by the unmade bed.
“Who cares,” Louis groans, after peering into the empty bathroom. “Where the fuck IS he?”
“Well, maybe we should just go rouse Niall then,” Liam says. “He missed breakfast too. Maybe Harry - ”
“Wait, Niall’s not ready either?” Louis says. “That’s...weird.”
“Yeah, no answer from his room earlier either,” Liam says distractedly, throwing the last scarf into the bag. “Hey, could you see if he’s still there? Zayn was supposed to do it but…”
Louis snorts. “Say no more. And FYI, Zayn was already napping on the bus, no Niall in sight, when I came up.”
Liam rolls his eyes, but fondly, as Louis leaves, hollering down the hallway. “Nialler, get your lazy arse in gear, chop chop!”
He finishes putting away Harry’s toiletries and hefts the bag onto his shoulder. He’s turning to leave when there’s a rustle under the messy sheets on the bed. Out the corner of his eye he sees the bedclothes shift, and hears another noise.
“Who’s there - hey!” he says, walking cautiously towards the bed. There’s no way a person could be hiding under the corner of the sheet, but there’s definitely something moving around. Praying it’s not a rat, Liam twitches aside the sheet and finds -
“Liam!” Louis yells from down the hall. “You’ll never guess what I’ve found in Niall’s room!”
“Is it a spotty looking cat?” Liam guesses, not taking his eyes off Harry’s bed.
“Oh,” Louis says, somewhat deflated, as he walks back into the room. “How did you - “
Liam turns around, eyes opening wide at the growling honey-coloured kitten clutched in Louis’ hands, just as Louis’ mouth falls open at the sight of the blinking, yawning brown one sitting on the bed.
**
“So…” Zayn says sleepily, knuckling at his eyes as he sits up in his bunk. “Let me recap, yeah? Harry and Niall are still missing, but you and Louis found a little blond wild cat in Niall’s room, and a matching brown one in Harry’s room, and you brought the cats on the bus with us and told everyone we were okay to leave. And now we’re headed to the next state where we have a gig in front of thousands of people in less than 36 hours, minus two of our actual band members who people are paying to see.”
“Yeah, alright,” Liam says. “ I know it’s a bit weird, but -” He holds out one of the said kitties and Zayn smiles despite himself. He puts out a finger to bop the cat on its nose, and it makes a ferocious noise from deep within and lunges at the finger.
“Who’s the cute kitty?” Zayn coos in a sing-song voice. The cat grabs hold of his hand and starts kneading it between its paws. “Aw, yes you are a cute kitty, aren’t you?”
“I think you should be asking if it’s Niall,” Louis says. He’s got the other cat curled up in his arms, even though it's a little too big for that and looks like it could tumble to the ground at any moment. But when Louis tries to drop the cat onto the couch, it locks its paws around Louis’ shoulder and refuses to be shifted.
Zayn raises an eyebrow. “You too?” he asks. “You really think Nialler and Harry turned into these furballs - ow!” He pulls his hand away and looks down at the golden cat now sitting up staring back at him. It swivels to look at Liam, sitting beside him, and then at Louis and the other cat, then back again at Zayn.
Zayn pauses, then reaches out a hand and says hesitantly, “Niall?”
The cat gets up off its haunches so it can butt its head against the palm of Zayn’s hand, purring as he runs his fingers over the soft fur. Zayn closes his eyes, sighs, and says, “Okay, if this is a prank and I’m being filmed acting like a fool I will kill you both and no one will ever know where your bodies are buried.” He opens up his eyes and fixes Louis and Liam with a deadly glare.
“I shit you not, I can’t think of any other explanation for where Harry and Niall could’ve gone,” Louis says.
“Nah, you could,” Liam says. “But I can’t, Zayn, I swear, you know I could never lie to you like that.”
Zayn’s shoulders slump. “Yeah, you couldn’t,” he says.
“I, uh, tried this thing earlier,” Liam says hesitantly. “Just to make sure I wasn’t crazy, like. You know that thing you and Niall do on stage all the time?” He leans down and says very seriously to the cat beside Zayn, “Go on, show him.”
Zayn picks it up and holds it up in front of him so its feet are resting on his thighs, head at eye level. He sighs and says, “Okay, if you’re really Niall, go on, give me a sign.”
The cat stares at him for a long moment; then, it reaches out a paw and taps Zayn three times, on his chest, and a little lower towards his belly button.
“Holy shit,” Zayn says, breathing out loudly. “Our band mates really have turned into - hang on, what the hell are they?”
“Big cats?” Liam says, brow furrowing.
“Nah, they’re pretty lean,” Louis jokes, squeezing Harry’s side until he makes a noise like the cross between a squeak and a growl. He squirms and squirms until Louis lets go, dropping to the floor in a sprawl of limbs. Harry looks back with an injured look his face, then runs to Zayn and whines at his feet until Zayn picks him up and drops him next to Niall on the sofa.
“Big cats,” Zayn says thoughtfully. “Hey, maybe they’re baby tigers, they’ve got stripes.” He pulls out his phone and starts googling
“I don’t know, they’re kind of spotty too?” Louis says.
“Okay, so some other kind…jaguar? Leopard? Puma? Panther?”
“At least two of those are all black, so no,” Louis says. “And don’t they seem a bit small for those other two?”
“Hey, I don’t see you coming up with any answers,” Zayn says.
“Does it even matter?” Louis says, making a face. “They’re cats of some sorts, isn’t that the more pressing concern?”
“Hey, chill,” Liam says. “Lower your voices - I think the yelling is freaking out the mystery kitties.”
Zayn looks over at Louis, and their eyes light up at the same time.
And that’s how Paul finds them when they’re almost at their next stop, sprawled all over the lounge, stoned and rubbing their face against the cats’ fur, murmuring about how soft it feels.
**
"C'mon Paul, they're wild animals, they need to go outside," Liam pleads.
Paul stands unmoved. "Should've thought of that before you brought them on the bus," he says sternly.
"No, but - "
"Do not give me that explanation again," Paul says, wearily. "I can’t - I'd just rather not." As he speaks, the brown cat runs up and starts looping around his ankles, butting its head against Paul's shins and yowling. The gold-coloured kitten goes to the door instead, batting it with its little paws, mewing pitifully.
"See, Paul? They're going stir-crazy in here," Liam says. "Please?"
"You've all gone stir-crazy," Paul mutters, but his face softens as he looks down at the kitten now standing on its hind legs, looking up at him with big eyes. "Friendly little things, aren't they?"
Paul scoops up the cat in one arm and starts patting its head absentmindedly. It purrs happily in his arms.
"C'mon Paul, that's just like Harry, you've got to admit," Louis cajoles.
Paul fixes him with a glare but all he says is, "Alright, so we'll be at the hotel in a few minutes. Once the team have checked and cleared an area you can take them out. But you can't let them run free." He pauses, then adds in a dubious voice, "Do you think they'll walk on a leash?"
Louis smiles, teeth bared, a shark's grin. "Oh let's try, absolutely."
By the door, Niall hisses and starts backing away, only to run into Zayn who picks him up easily.
**
They hear the screams before they see the fans, all bunched up against the fencing up ahead. Niall, who'd taken poorly to the makeshift harness and leash they made from various odds and ends, shies away from the noise and skitters closer to Liam's legs.
"It's okay,” Liam says gently, scritching him behind the ears. "They can't get any closer."
Meanwhile, Harry doesn't seem fazed at all, as he hadn't been by his leash, and starts wandering up to the fence in his usual friendly, fearless way. It takes a good grip from Zayn and a sharp tug to make sure he doesn't get within petting and grabbing range.
"Zayn, Liam, Louis!" the fans yell. "Over here!"
Harry strains on his lead towards the noise again, and Louis picks him up, mostly to stop him from answering by running into the thick of it. He compromises by waving Harry’s paw and Harry obediently goes pliant. The screams turn into coos. Encouraged, Louis puts Harry on the ground again, and this time he wisely heads for Niall instead. He nudges Niall playfully with his nose as Niall continues to hang back, sitting on his haunches with his shoulders up. So Harry curls up around him, licking at his fur until Niall finally relaxes and slumps to the ground, the two entwined around each other. The coos turn into a chorus of awws.
Zayn, Louis and Liam end up signing quite a few items and taking selfies through the links of the fence. For once there's a little less attention on them, a bit more on the kitties sitting just out of reach. There's a bit of frantic whispering from the front of the crowd to the back, and people are taking as many photos of 'their pets' as they are of the boys.
"So where's Harry and Niall?" a few girls ask, disgruntled by not having them all present.
Zayn says easily, "Oh, they're not feeling quite themselves today."
"Yeah, you could say they're not quite human," Louis cracks when he overhears Zayn’s answer. Liam shoots him a warning look, but Louis just cackles and repeats the joke at least three more times before they head back into the hotel.
About half an hour later, Liam and Zayn are playing FIFA in their suite as they wait for the rest of their team to arrive, Louis scrolling through his Twitter feed on the couch behind them.
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Louis says suddenly.
"Do NOT reply," Zayn says immediately, pausing the game. He leans back without looking and whacks the phone out of Louis' hand.
"What is it?" Liam asks, curious. He picks up the phone. "Awww, that's a good shot of them."
It's obviously been taken by one the fans outside. There’s a corner of Zayn’s ear in view, but the focus is on the kittens curled up around each other on the asphalt outside, play-fighting with Harry holding Niall down lightly and gnawing on his ear.
"Yeah, but look at the headline," Louis says, a frown on his face.
1D: Is there anything money can’t buy? See pics of the millionaire popstars’ gay ocelot pets
“Oh,ocelots,” Zayn says. “That’s what they are.”
"I know a dirty joke about ocelots," Liam adds. "How do you titillate - "
"Not now," Louis says sharply. "Ugh, why is this even news?"
Zayn takes the phone from Liam and clicks through to the article. He skims through it then shrugs and says, "It's nothing, just more nonsense. It'll blow over the next time we show our faces. "
"And gay animals are a thing, right?" Liam says. "Like those penguins in that zoo in America. I saw that on TV once."
"Yeah, but these aren't just animals, they're our mates," Louis says.
They all look over at the bed, where the cats are napping. Harry is almost blanketing Niall, who makes muffled noises and twitches once in a while, wrapped in the embrace of Harry’s arms and legs.
“Well that's pretty normal for them," Liam says. “There’s nothing weird about it, right?”
"It’s totally normal," Zayn says more firmly. "Who gives a shit about these dumb tabloid stories? And even if they were - um, more than mates, it'd be fine, yeah?"
Louis rolls his eyes. "Of course," he says. "I'm just sick of the bullshit people write about us, all the crazy shit."
"Dude, our friends turned into two wildcats. I'm just glad no one's twigged to it and written about THAT yet," Zayn reminds him. "Be a bit harder to explain than if they turned out to be gay."
They look over again. Harry's rolled onto his back, paws in the air. Niall swats at his furry belly but he doesn’t respond, so Niall flops down on top of him with a satisfied purr.
"Okay, so now that we've sorted out the hypothetical sexuality crisis of your pets," Paul interrupts from his place in the corner, "can you guys please come back to the more pressing issue, like, where the fuck the rest of the your band is, and what you're going to do if they don't show up by tomorrow?"
Zayn and Liam look at Louis, who shrugs and says, "Don't look at me. I've googled 'cats to humans' and ‘humans to cats’ and just gotten some really freaky shit for my pains."
Paul covers his face with his hands. "Can't you guys take anything seriously?" When he doesn't get a response, he sighs and leaves the room, muttering about washing his hands of it all.
Louis and Zayn go back to their video game, while Liam sits and stares thoughtfully at the cats of the bed. He says slowly, after a while, "Hey, so, in fairytales, aren't most magic spells broken by, like, true love's kiss?"
There's a long silence, then Louis says sceptically, "Okay, so even if they were somehow totally gay for each other, how do you propose we convince our bandmates to make out WHILE THEY ARE CATS?"
"Okay, um, so that does sound insane when you say it out loud," Liam says. "I just - anyway. Nevermind."
After another long, awkward pause, Zayn says, "To be honest, this whole thing is making my head hurt. Smoke break?"
"God, yes," Louis says. Liam follows easily enough.
**
When the door clicks shut behind them Niall's little furry head pops up from behind a mountain of blankets. He looks down at Harry, still napping under him, and ducks down to nudge his nose against Harry's. He makes a sleepy noise but his eyes eventually flutter open, green and bright. Niall does it again, nose to nose, and Harry leans into Niall with a purr.
For just a second, there’s a tremor in the air around them, as if some invisible spark is exploding above their heads, and when Niall closes his eyes there’s an echo of a blinding light behind his eyelids.
When he open his eyes again, he's all human once more, and so is Harry, clearly, since they're both naked and hard against each other.
"Oh my god, I can’t believe that worked, what the fuck was all that," Niall says, but he can't help the note of amusement in his voice.
Harry's arms tighten around him and he bites his lip, looking a little guilty.
"You? It was - you had us turned into ocelots?" Niall follows up. "Jesus, Harry, how does that even happen?"
"Uh, so I might've made a wish..." Harry trails off, his voice still a little hoarse from lack of use. He clears his throat, then continues, "You know, after the last gig. There was this fan, right, and she gave me her lucky charm, said she wanted me to be happy, which I thought was really sweet, and she said it had brought her all this luck and always made her wishes come true, like finally getting to meet us, and - “
“Okay, get to the part about why you asked for us to be turned into animals,” Niall prompts gently. “Wait, is this some kinky sex thing you haven’t told me about?”
“No!” Harry protests loudly, but he grins when Niall rubs against him, reminding him that he’s still hard. “No, you idiot, it was - well, do you remember at the afterparty, the other guys were teasing me about that blonde who bought me the drink? I just wanted so much to be able to tell them that I wasn’t interested in her, it was you I wanted, but I was scared that maybe, you know, that…”
Niall leans in and brushes his lips briefly across Harry’s. They’ve talked about this before a few times, and it’s never really gone anywhere - there always seemed to be too many obstacles to them coming out, coming clean, even to those closest to them.
“So, I might’ve, like, wished that we could somehow let everyone know and still have everyone be happy for us? But I guess it didn’t quite happen the way I thought it would. Though it was nice to be just lie around all day, curled up around you.”
There’s a long pause, then Niall shakes his head and kisses Harry, deep and tender. “You eejit,” he says when he comes up for air. “You romantic bastard. Look, I’m glad now, but next time, be a bit more specific with your wishes. Make sure we stay human, for one.”
Harry laughs, and kisses Niall again. “Yeah, well, this is much more fun with opposable thumbs,” he says, hands wandering lower, distracting them both from the suite door opening, the familiar voices coming closer.
“Yeah I must’ve left my lighter in here,” Zayn says, “Let me just - HOLY SHIT.
“Oh,” Liam says, in a subdued tone of voice.
A pause, then Louis says drily, “This was much cuter when they were kittens.”
END
In which two boyband members go missing, two mystery cats are found, and sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
(PS this is fiction)
This is also on AO3 if you want to read it over there.
All the thanks to
littlerhymes, who had to listen to me whine about boybanders as cats for a lot longer than anyone should have to endure, and then lol'd in all the right places anyway. Thank you for beta-ing everything, even the crack. :)
AND ALL YOUR LITTLE THINGS
“Harry - open up!” Liam bangs on the door with the flat of his hand, not caring if it’s a bit loud for seven in the morning. They’d taken up this whole floor and the one three levels down, and by now everyone was ready to roll, on to the next city. Well, everyone except -
“Hazza! Seriously, bus leaves in 10 minutes. Plus you missed our session with Mark - what’s up with you today?”
There’s no noise, no answer, and Liam thumps on the door again. “Don’t make me use the master key - ”
“Just do it,” Louis says, coming up behind him. He looks grumpy, his usual state this early in the morning. “I want this show on the road so I can crawl into one of the bunks and go back to sleep.”
Liam sighs, but Louis has a point. He pulls out the key card that Paul gave him and swipes it through the slot in the handle. “We don’t care if you’re decent or not, we’re coming in,” he yells as a last warning before he pushes open the door.
Louis crowds up behind him, propelling him into the room. “Fuck, he’s not even packed yet,” he says in disgust, looking at Harry’s belongings still strewn over every surface. “Maybe he got really lucky last night...and this morning.”
Liam frowns and starts picking up clothes from the floor. “Thought he was wearing this last night,” he says as he chucks a loud shirt into the carry-all by the unmade bed.
“Who cares,” Louis groans, after peering into the empty bathroom. “Where the fuck IS he?”
“Well, maybe we should just go rouse Niall then,” Liam says. “He missed breakfast too. Maybe Harry - ”
“Wait, Niall’s not ready either?” Louis says. “That’s...weird.”
“Yeah, no answer from his room earlier either,” Liam says distractedly, throwing the last scarf into the bag. “Hey, could you see if he’s still there? Zayn was supposed to do it but…”
Louis snorts. “Say no more. And FYI, Zayn was already napping on the bus, no Niall in sight, when I came up.”
Liam rolls his eyes, but fondly, as Louis leaves, hollering down the hallway. “Nialler, get your lazy arse in gear, chop chop!”
He finishes putting away Harry’s toiletries and hefts the bag onto his shoulder. He’s turning to leave when there’s a rustle under the messy sheets on the bed. Out the corner of his eye he sees the bedclothes shift, and hears another noise.
“Who’s there - hey!” he says, walking cautiously towards the bed. There’s no way a person could be hiding under the corner of the sheet, but there’s definitely something moving around. Praying it’s not a rat, Liam twitches aside the sheet and finds -
“Liam!” Louis yells from down the hall. “You’ll never guess what I’ve found in Niall’s room!”
“Is it a spotty looking cat?” Liam guesses, not taking his eyes off Harry’s bed.
“Oh,” Louis says, somewhat deflated, as he walks back into the room. “How did you - “
Liam turns around, eyes opening wide at the growling honey-coloured kitten clutched in Louis’ hands, just as Louis’ mouth falls open at the sight of the blinking, yawning brown one sitting on the bed.
**
“So…” Zayn says sleepily, knuckling at his eyes as he sits up in his bunk. “Let me recap, yeah? Harry and Niall are still missing, but you and Louis found a little blond wild cat in Niall’s room, and a matching brown one in Harry’s room, and you brought the cats on the bus with us and told everyone we were okay to leave. And now we’re headed to the next state where we have a gig in front of thousands of people in less than 36 hours, minus two of our actual band members who people are paying to see.”
“Yeah, alright,” Liam says. “ I know it’s a bit weird, but -” He holds out one of the said kitties and Zayn smiles despite himself. He puts out a finger to bop the cat on its nose, and it makes a ferocious noise from deep within and lunges at the finger.
“Who’s the cute kitty?” Zayn coos in a sing-song voice. The cat grabs hold of his hand and starts kneading it between its paws. “Aw, yes you are a cute kitty, aren’t you?”
“I think you should be asking if it’s Niall,” Louis says. He’s got the other cat curled up in his arms, even though it's a little too big for that and looks like it could tumble to the ground at any moment. But when Louis tries to drop the cat onto the couch, it locks its paws around Louis’ shoulder and refuses to be shifted.
Zayn raises an eyebrow. “You too?” he asks. “You really think Nialler and Harry turned into these furballs - ow!” He pulls his hand away and looks down at the golden cat now sitting up staring back at him. It swivels to look at Liam, sitting beside him, and then at Louis and the other cat, then back again at Zayn.
Zayn pauses, then reaches out a hand and says hesitantly, “Niall?”
The cat gets up off its haunches so it can butt its head against the palm of Zayn’s hand, purring as he runs his fingers over the soft fur. Zayn closes his eyes, sighs, and says, “Okay, if this is a prank and I’m being filmed acting like a fool I will kill you both and no one will ever know where your bodies are buried.” He opens up his eyes and fixes Louis and Liam with a deadly glare.
“I shit you not, I can’t think of any other explanation for where Harry and Niall could’ve gone,” Louis says.
“Nah, you could,” Liam says. “But I can’t, Zayn, I swear, you know I could never lie to you like that.”
Zayn’s shoulders slump. “Yeah, you couldn’t,” he says.
“I, uh, tried this thing earlier,” Liam says hesitantly. “Just to make sure I wasn’t crazy, like. You know that thing you and Niall do on stage all the time?” He leans down and says very seriously to the cat beside Zayn, “Go on, show him.”
Zayn picks it up and holds it up in front of him so its feet are resting on his thighs, head at eye level. He sighs and says, “Okay, if you’re really Niall, go on, give me a sign.”
The cat stares at him for a long moment; then, it reaches out a paw and taps Zayn three times, on his chest, and a little lower towards his belly button.
“Holy shit,” Zayn says, breathing out loudly. “Our band mates really have turned into - hang on, what the hell are they?”
“Big cats?” Liam says, brow furrowing.
“Nah, they’re pretty lean,” Louis jokes, squeezing Harry’s side until he makes a noise like the cross between a squeak and a growl. He squirms and squirms until Louis lets go, dropping to the floor in a sprawl of limbs. Harry looks back with an injured look his face, then runs to Zayn and whines at his feet until Zayn picks him up and drops him next to Niall on the sofa.
“Big cats,” Zayn says thoughtfully. “Hey, maybe they’re baby tigers, they’ve got stripes.” He pulls out his phone and starts googling
“I don’t know, they’re kind of spotty too?” Louis says.
“Okay, so some other kind…jaguar? Leopard? Puma? Panther?”
“At least two of those are all black, so no,” Louis says. “And don’t they seem a bit small for those other two?”
“Hey, I don’t see you coming up with any answers,” Zayn says.
“Does it even matter?” Louis says, making a face. “They’re cats of some sorts, isn’t that the more pressing concern?”
“Hey, chill,” Liam says. “Lower your voices - I think the yelling is freaking out the mystery kitties.”
Zayn looks over at Louis, and their eyes light up at the same time.
And that’s how Paul finds them when they’re almost at their next stop, sprawled all over the lounge, stoned and rubbing their face against the cats’ fur, murmuring about how soft it feels.
**
"C'mon Paul, they're wild animals, they need to go outside," Liam pleads.
Paul stands unmoved. "Should've thought of that before you brought them on the bus," he says sternly.
"No, but - "
"Do not give me that explanation again," Paul says, wearily. "I can’t - I'd just rather not." As he speaks, the brown cat runs up and starts looping around his ankles, butting its head against Paul's shins and yowling. The gold-coloured kitten goes to the door instead, batting it with its little paws, mewing pitifully.
"See, Paul? They're going stir-crazy in here," Liam says. "Please?"
"You've all gone stir-crazy," Paul mutters, but his face softens as he looks down at the kitten now standing on its hind legs, looking up at him with big eyes. "Friendly little things, aren't they?"
Paul scoops up the cat in one arm and starts patting its head absentmindedly. It purrs happily in his arms.
"C'mon Paul, that's just like Harry, you've got to admit," Louis cajoles.
Paul fixes him with a glare but all he says is, "Alright, so we'll be at the hotel in a few minutes. Once the team have checked and cleared an area you can take them out. But you can't let them run free." He pauses, then adds in a dubious voice, "Do you think they'll walk on a leash?"
Louis smiles, teeth bared, a shark's grin. "Oh let's try, absolutely."
By the door, Niall hisses and starts backing away, only to run into Zayn who picks him up easily.
**
They hear the screams before they see the fans, all bunched up against the fencing up ahead. Niall, who'd taken poorly to the makeshift harness and leash they made from various odds and ends, shies away from the noise and skitters closer to Liam's legs.
"It's okay,” Liam says gently, scritching him behind the ears. "They can't get any closer."
Meanwhile, Harry doesn't seem fazed at all, as he hadn't been by his leash, and starts wandering up to the fence in his usual friendly, fearless way. It takes a good grip from Zayn and a sharp tug to make sure he doesn't get within petting and grabbing range.
"Zayn, Liam, Louis!" the fans yell. "Over here!"
Harry strains on his lead towards the noise again, and Louis picks him up, mostly to stop him from answering by running into the thick of it. He compromises by waving Harry’s paw and Harry obediently goes pliant. The screams turn into coos. Encouraged, Louis puts Harry on the ground again, and this time he wisely heads for Niall instead. He nudges Niall playfully with his nose as Niall continues to hang back, sitting on his haunches with his shoulders up. So Harry curls up around him, licking at his fur until Niall finally relaxes and slumps to the ground, the two entwined around each other. The coos turn into a chorus of awws.
Zayn, Louis and Liam end up signing quite a few items and taking selfies through the links of the fence. For once there's a little less attention on them, a bit more on the kitties sitting just out of reach. There's a bit of frantic whispering from the front of the crowd to the back, and people are taking as many photos of 'their pets' as they are of the boys.
"So where's Harry and Niall?" a few girls ask, disgruntled by not having them all present.
Zayn says easily, "Oh, they're not feeling quite themselves today."
"Yeah, you could say they're not quite human," Louis cracks when he overhears Zayn’s answer. Liam shoots him a warning look, but Louis just cackles and repeats the joke at least three more times before they head back into the hotel.
About half an hour later, Liam and Zayn are playing FIFA in their suite as they wait for the rest of their team to arrive, Louis scrolling through his Twitter feed on the couch behind them.
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Louis says suddenly.
"Do NOT reply," Zayn says immediately, pausing the game. He leans back without looking and whacks the phone out of Louis' hand.
"What is it?" Liam asks, curious. He picks up the phone. "Awww, that's a good shot of them."
It's obviously been taken by one the fans outside. There’s a corner of Zayn’s ear in view, but the focus is on the kittens curled up around each other on the asphalt outside, play-fighting with Harry holding Niall down lightly and gnawing on his ear.
"Yeah, but look at the headline," Louis says, a frown on his face.
1D: Is there anything money can’t buy? See pics of the millionaire popstars’ gay ocelot pets
“Oh,ocelots,” Zayn says. “That’s what they are.”
"I know a dirty joke about ocelots," Liam adds. "How do you titillate - "
"Not now," Louis says sharply. "Ugh, why is this even news?"
Zayn takes the phone from Liam and clicks through to the article. He skims through it then shrugs and says, "It's nothing, just more nonsense. It'll blow over the next time we show our faces. "
"And gay animals are a thing, right?" Liam says. "Like those penguins in that zoo in America. I saw that on TV once."
"Yeah, but these aren't just animals, they're our mates," Louis says.
They all look over at the bed, where the cats are napping. Harry is almost blanketing Niall, who makes muffled noises and twitches once in a while, wrapped in the embrace of Harry’s arms and legs.
“Well that's pretty normal for them," Liam says. “There’s nothing weird about it, right?”
"It’s totally normal," Zayn says more firmly. "Who gives a shit about these dumb tabloid stories? And even if they were - um, more than mates, it'd be fine, yeah?"
Louis rolls his eyes. "Of course," he says. "I'm just sick of the bullshit people write about us, all the crazy shit."
"Dude, our friends turned into two wildcats. I'm just glad no one's twigged to it and written about THAT yet," Zayn reminds him. "Be a bit harder to explain than if they turned out to be gay."
They look over again. Harry's rolled onto his back, paws in the air. Niall swats at his furry belly but he doesn’t respond, so Niall flops down on top of him with a satisfied purr.
"Okay, so now that we've sorted out the hypothetical sexuality crisis of your pets," Paul interrupts from his place in the corner, "can you guys please come back to the more pressing issue, like, where the fuck the rest of the your band is, and what you're going to do if they don't show up by tomorrow?"
Zayn and Liam look at Louis, who shrugs and says, "Don't look at me. I've googled 'cats to humans' and ‘humans to cats’ and just gotten some really freaky shit for my pains."
Paul covers his face with his hands. "Can't you guys take anything seriously?" When he doesn't get a response, he sighs and leaves the room, muttering about washing his hands of it all.
Louis and Zayn go back to their video game, while Liam sits and stares thoughtfully at the cats of the bed. He says slowly, after a while, "Hey, so, in fairytales, aren't most magic spells broken by, like, true love's kiss?"
There's a long silence, then Louis says sceptically, "Okay, so even if they were somehow totally gay for each other, how do you propose we convince our bandmates to make out WHILE THEY ARE CATS?"
"Okay, um, so that does sound insane when you say it out loud," Liam says. "I just - anyway. Nevermind."
After another long, awkward pause, Zayn says, "To be honest, this whole thing is making my head hurt. Smoke break?"
"God, yes," Louis says. Liam follows easily enough.
**
When the door clicks shut behind them Niall's little furry head pops up from behind a mountain of blankets. He looks down at Harry, still napping under him, and ducks down to nudge his nose against Harry's. He makes a sleepy noise but his eyes eventually flutter open, green and bright. Niall does it again, nose to nose, and Harry leans into Niall with a purr.
For just a second, there’s a tremor in the air around them, as if some invisible spark is exploding above their heads, and when Niall closes his eyes there’s an echo of a blinding light behind his eyelids.
When he open his eyes again, he's all human once more, and so is Harry, clearly, since they're both naked and hard against each other.
"Oh my god, I can’t believe that worked, what the fuck was all that," Niall says, but he can't help the note of amusement in his voice.
Harry's arms tighten around him and he bites his lip, looking a little guilty.
"You? It was - you had us turned into ocelots?" Niall follows up. "Jesus, Harry, how does that even happen?"
"Uh, so I might've made a wish..." Harry trails off, his voice still a little hoarse from lack of use. He clears his throat, then continues, "You know, after the last gig. There was this fan, right, and she gave me her lucky charm, said she wanted me to be happy, which I thought was really sweet, and she said it had brought her all this luck and always made her wishes come true, like finally getting to meet us, and - “
“Okay, get to the part about why you asked for us to be turned into animals,” Niall prompts gently. “Wait, is this some kinky sex thing you haven’t told me about?”
“No!” Harry protests loudly, but he grins when Niall rubs against him, reminding him that he’s still hard. “No, you idiot, it was - well, do you remember at the afterparty, the other guys were teasing me about that blonde who bought me the drink? I just wanted so much to be able to tell them that I wasn’t interested in her, it was you I wanted, but I was scared that maybe, you know, that…”
Niall leans in and brushes his lips briefly across Harry’s. They’ve talked about this before a few times, and it’s never really gone anywhere - there always seemed to be too many obstacles to them coming out, coming clean, even to those closest to them.
“So, I might’ve, like, wished that we could somehow let everyone know and still have everyone be happy for us? But I guess it didn’t quite happen the way I thought it would. Though it was nice to be just lie around all day, curled up around you.”
There’s a long pause, then Niall shakes his head and kisses Harry, deep and tender. “You eejit,” he says when he comes up for air. “You romantic bastard. Look, I’m glad now, but next time, be a bit more specific with your wishes. Make sure we stay human, for one.”
Harry laughs, and kisses Niall again. “Yeah, well, this is much more fun with opposable thumbs,” he says, hands wandering lower, distracting them both from the suite door opening, the familiar voices coming closer.
“Yeah I must’ve left my lighter in here,” Zayn says, “Let me just - HOLY SHIT.
“Oh,” Liam says, in a subdued tone of voice.
A pause, then Louis says drily, “This was much cuter when they were kittens.”
END
In which two boyband members go missing, two mystery cats are found, and sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
(PS this is fiction)