(no subject)
Sighs I'm bummed for dumb stuff again and I already know it's dumb but idk I'm feeling worn out and shitty and idk how to head it off and the more i tell myself to get over it or get it together or not to worry about it feel myself slowly getting sadder with every passing day.
I know you're not supposed to base your self esteem on the attentions or affections of others but it's hard not to because I have people tell me I'm great and that they love me everyday but they get into relationships and I feel left behind even though I haven't liked anyone for so long and they don't change at all
Idk i feel undesirable and gross and romantically worthless and I'm not sure if it's because I don't want a relationship and that's why I haven't pursued one or if it's because I haven't been in a *~real~* relationship that makes me not want one because I want one so badly and I'm trying to convince myself otherwise I have no clue I just want to feel wanted
Even things that shouldn't be a big deal feel like dismissal I think maybe I'm too sensitive
I get jealous really easily for no reason and anytime I receive praise I want to scream because I feel patronized.
I don't know what's happening to me I have such good friends and things are very slowly falling to place and I can kind of feel things starting to come together but I feel absolutely worthless and everything makes me tired and everything makes me sad and if you so much as look at me the wrong way it makes me want to kill myself
I was home alone for three hours on Saturday and no one was online and I felt awful and I just wanted to cry my eyes out I am not okay
I'm not okay and it's not okay and sometimes I have to wonder if I want to even be okay because that would psych me out so much
I don't know what it's like to not feel like shit and if it suddenly stopped I'd probably lose my mind
How do people even live confidently and happily
How do people not want to die
What is that even like what does it mean to be afraid to die
I think I've finally fucking lost it