I'm gonna smoke a cigar, wanna step outside
The house is quiet again. Its been quiet for the better part of the day, I spent it alone; reading books I could care less for, steaping tea in and out of cups, going for a run, showering, putting my feet up against a heater, switching on the television out of boredom only to switch it immediately back off, scheming and thinking, so on and so forth.
James and Jake are supposedly going to sleep but I can hear them in there stifling giggles, probably poking and prodding one another or throwing stuffed animals towards one another.
My stomach's upset cause I feel nervous and I've drank coffee without meals. I snuck Lite coffee with reduced caffeine into Daddys canister hoping that would help me stomach the rounds better. Used to be that even acknowledging I'd been home for any extended period made me feel real idle and useless. But, who've I to impress? I am stranded in the city with no exit signs, the city everyone knows but always overlooks. The city where bums in my mother's car cry their eyes out because the textile mill's bankruptcy has turned them into alcoholics.
The reason I hate it here is because no one ever leaves. People in this town do what is expected of them and they hardly venture out, if ever, only to a state university and then back to the piece of land they'll inherit. Aside from the small money population that settles downtown, this city is full of people who grew up in dilapidated houses with parents who snatch their arms in Wal Mart and teach them to curse before theyre 5 years old. This town is full of high school teachers who overlook spelling mistakes and uplift football players above theatre, who budget new uniforms for the boys baseball teams yet make the girls wear hand me down male jerseys on uneven softball diamonds. This town has a church on every corner, 99% of which are completely racially segregated by choice. This town teaches people to settle and to say "give me them keys" and "She dont like reading." This town has the highest child and spouse abuse in the state and the second highest heart disease rates. But we'll all be singing, "Glory, Hallelujah!" and "Rock of Ages" on Sunday mornings in this town. Without fail.
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In twenty years from now, this will all be my fault. I wont be young anymore really, I'll have no "education", I'll be too tired to wait tables or jump societal hoops. I should be acknowledging that now, and its not that I dont see that, I DO. But, the education I am aquiring now in life, the books I get to read by choice, the interests that I get to keep, the people I get to talk to while on the road, the good and evil of everyday life, are not things merited within a classroom and are not things I am willing to give up for four consecutive years of my life. I'll not do it. I will choose this path, forsake the token security that might offer me in exchange for something that is uniquely personal (ie. MY life). Perhaps I will go to a conventional institution one day, perhaps I will love it, perhaps it will change my life. But, today is not that day and neither are the following ones either. Now, FUCK off.
********************
More on a cleaner slate to come.
James and Jake are supposedly going to sleep but I can hear them in there stifling giggles, probably poking and prodding one another or throwing stuffed animals towards one another.
My stomach's upset cause I feel nervous and I've drank coffee without meals. I snuck Lite coffee with reduced caffeine into Daddys canister hoping that would help me stomach the rounds better. Used to be that even acknowledging I'd been home for any extended period made me feel real idle and useless. But, who've I to impress? I am stranded in the city with no exit signs, the city everyone knows but always overlooks. The city where bums in my mother's car cry their eyes out because the textile mill's bankruptcy has turned them into alcoholics.
The reason I hate it here is because no one ever leaves. People in this town do what is expected of them and they hardly venture out, if ever, only to a state university and then back to the piece of land they'll inherit. Aside from the small money population that settles downtown, this city is full of people who grew up in dilapidated houses with parents who snatch their arms in Wal Mart and teach them to curse before theyre 5 years old. This town is full of high school teachers who overlook spelling mistakes and uplift football players above theatre, who budget new uniforms for the boys baseball teams yet make the girls wear hand me down male jerseys on uneven softball diamonds. This town has a church on every corner, 99% of which are completely racially segregated by choice. This town teaches people to settle and to say "give me them keys" and "She dont like reading." This town has the highest child and spouse abuse in the state and the second highest heart disease rates. But we'll all be singing, "Glory, Hallelujah!" and "Rock of Ages" on Sunday mornings in this town. Without fail.
******************
In twenty years from now, this will all be my fault. I wont be young anymore really, I'll have no "education", I'll be too tired to wait tables or jump societal hoops. I should be acknowledging that now, and its not that I dont see that, I DO. But, the education I am aquiring now in life, the books I get to read by choice, the interests that I get to keep, the people I get to talk to while on the road, the good and evil of everyday life, are not things merited within a classroom and are not things I am willing to give up for four consecutive years of my life. I'll not do it. I will choose this path, forsake the token security that might offer me in exchange for something that is uniquely personal (ie. MY life). Perhaps I will go to a conventional institution one day, perhaps I will love it, perhaps it will change my life. But, today is not that day and neither are the following ones either. Now, FUCK off.
********************
More on a cleaner slate to come.