Stay, but you'll walk away.
Stay, but you’ll walk away
*****
The screen of Alex’s TV exploded into a million pieces as he threw his empty beer-bottle right at it. The anger in him was so unbelievable, he wanted to kill someone, hit something, scream out all he wanted, he clenched his fists and hit them into the wall, one of his pictures smashing down to the floor.
Next he smashed his fists into the mirror behind the door, he didn’t even care his hands started bleeding and he got glass into his fists, the pain just made his mental pain go away, the memory of Addison just became a haze as the pain in his hands made its way through his body, and he sat down on his bed, covering his face into his bloody hands.
How could he ever have thought she’d actually stay?
The crying came, his face full of tears, dripping out of his eyes, he had never felt this broken, how could he feel so lost?
“Alex?” a familiar voice said by the door, and he opened his eyes.
“Alex, oh my God, your fists”, Meredith mumbled and took a few steps to him, grabbing his hands and taking a look at them. “What the hell’s wrong with you, you woke everyone up!”
Alex didn’t understand what she meant, but then he saw Izzie and Derek by the door and he felt even angrier, feeling like he wanted to kick Derek’s ass big time for hurting Addison so much.
“Alex?” Izzie mumbled and looked at him. “What happened?”
“With what?” Derek asked, very confused.
“He went after Addison”, Izzie answered and looked at Alex very intensely, trying to figure out what had happened. There was blood on his face from his hands, he looked like he had… cried, and Izzie suddenly realized what had happened when she saw that the bed was unmade.
“You went after my wife?” Derek laughed, not realizing he was on way too thin ice.
“Your ex-wife, man, and by the way…” Alex got up, looking angry as hell, taking a few steps towards Derek, standing right in front of him, only a few inches away. “You ever thought about how fucking hard you hurt her? You messed her up, she’s all messed up because of you, and if it wasn’t for Meredith, I would smash your pathetic, dreamy face right through that door!” He screamed, and pointed at the door Derek was standing in front of.
“Karev, easy -”, Derek mumbled and took a look at Meredith, who just sat on the bed, with small tears in her eyes.
“No, you shut up, you messed her up, man!” he yelled and hit his bloody fist into the wall next to Derek’s head. “She can’t stay here, everything’s ruined because you just had to go and hurt her back! She can’t trust anyone, not even herself, you don’t even understand what the hell you did to her!”
“Alex -”
“No, shut up!” Alex mumbled, then he saw Derek’s amused face as he looked at the unmade bed, and that was enough, Alex bloody fist flew through the air and hit the side of Derek’s face, making him fly into the doorway, swearing and holding his cheek.
“Alex!” Meredith and Izzie yelled and got up, pulling Derek back up on his feet, and then they turned around to look at Alex.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Alex, it isn’t his fault she left!” Izzie mumbled and took a look at Derek’s face. “Meredith, go get him a bandage and some ice, I have to talk to Alex just for a while…”
“Sure”, Meredith mumbled and grabbed Derek’s arm, but Derek just stared at Alex with hatred in his eyes, now he was the one who felt like killing someone.
No one had ever hit him for the way he had treated Addison, not even Mark.
*****
“Care to tell me what the hell happened between you and Addison last night, Alex?” Izzie asked, her arms crossed over her chest, leaning against the door with a determined look on her face.
Alex walked around in the room, looking at his hurt fists, seeing the blood, and feeling the wave of sadness come back up, it was caught in his throat, so he just kept his back at her and stared out the window.
“I found her.” His voice was barely a whisper. “I almost made her stay, but she got to the airport, she was strong… and I just went after her. Her plane was delayed so she had been by the bar, I caught her leaving the bathroom… and we just talked. About stuff, you know, stuff that lovers are supposed to talk about. I really tried to make it clear to her that she was killing herself, leaving Seattle like that… And I got her into a cab, brought her here…”
“Oh.” Izzie looked at her bare feet, wiggling her toes. She didn’t really know what to say.
“It just felt so right, you know?” he said and turned around to look at her, this time there was a little light in his eyes, but it wasn’t hope. “It was like… she was just everything I needed, everything I wanted, you know?”
“Yeah, I know”, she answered, thinking about Denny.
“I shouldn’t have fallen asleep”, he mumbled and sat down on the bed. “I told her to go to sleep after the… she looked so exhausted, but happy, you know, she had that shiny smile and that cute, amazing look in her eyes, like everything was right. I’d seen that one before… I’m just so stupid I can’t remember where and when… Jesus. I miss her so.”
Izzie sat down on the bed next to him and grabbed his hand, squeezing it. “I know just how you feel, Alex, believe me. But right now… you have to grieve. She left. And she’s Addison, she’s not coming back. I hate to be the one to tell you that, sweetie, but she’s not coming back.”
“You can’t know that”, he mumbled and stared at the door.
“Alex.”
“Fine.”
“You can’t push yourself. You need time. Time to get over her, time to start living your life again. It feels like you’ve lost everything, and maybe you have. But you can’t keep thinking like that forever, cos you’re gonna be happy.”
“No. Not when I know she’s down there, that I could be with her if I wasn’t stuck here.”
“You’re not stuck here. You’re free to leave.”
Alex swallowed and looked at her.
“You can have her if you’re willing to give everything else up.”
*****
Looked to the clock on the wall, her hands hardly moving at all. She couldn’t stand the state she as in. Sometimes it felt like the walls were closing in.
What could she say?
She was staring at the ceiling now, feeling the tears run down her face. Leaving Alex in his room, sleeping, was probably the hardest thing she’d ever done. He had looked so peaceful, so satisfied, and safe, and she had gotten up at half past five, putting her clothes on, leaving him the short note, crying, and then walking away.
It was different down here in L.A. This could have been a new start, she could move on now.
Except… she didn’t want to move on.
“Why do I keep torturing myself like this?” she asked herself and sat up on the bed, rubbing her temples, gasping for air, trying to keep the tears back. She had cried enough. It was time to stop now. No more of it, she was done.
She had walked away. She wasn’t the kind that stayed, she always ran. She pushed Derek away, she pushed Mark away, and now she had pushed Alex away.
She was pond scum.
She got up, and took a look at herself in the mirror. She was wearing his shirt, she had taken it when she had left. It smelled like him, felt like him, it was so comfortable, and so soft… just like him.
It hade the text SEATTLE SONICS written over the chest. She had never seen them play.
Her first day at work had been hell, everyone had looked at her like she was some evil witch from the north, but she was used to it, she had gotten the same treatment when she’d come to Seattle. Of course, here in Los Angeles, no one thought of her as the evil bitch who had cheated on her husband… but everyone probably knew about that.
She had met her first patients, they had all been very eager to be treated by the country’s best neonatal-surgeon and OB/GYN. She did have a good reputation, but what did she do with her reputation when she was alone?
And sad.
And miserable.
And lost.
This was probably the fiftieth time she felt lost during 48 hours, it was a horrible feeling. She could see Alex in front of her, so sad, so mad at her, so angry she had walked away. He looked so hurt, his dark eyes full of tears, his mouth straight…
It wasn’t what she’d wanted.
She had warned him. She had said that she was gonna end up hurting him. He hadn’t believed her. No wonder. But now he probably felt it, but she felt it more, she felt like the worst woman on earth, she was pure evil, spreading destruction and misery.
She looked at the clock, it was 8.31pm. Time had gone by fast. She had packed up her little suitcase, made herself comfortable in her hotel-room, she had been to the store to buy some magazines and chocolate and a romantic book, just to make herself feel better, but she wasn’t in the mood.
She didn’t need anything romantic. All she needed was someone to say that things were gonna get better.
She wondered what Alex was doing. Was he working? Did he miss her? Yes, he probably did, a little part of her hoped she did. How selfish was that? Not so much, considering he had said that he loved her.
“Oh my God I’m gonna freak out!” she screamed and tugged her hair. “What have I done, what have I done…?”
She heard a knock on the door, and her heart stopped. Had she ordered room-service? She didn’t remember, everything was so different now, confusing, it was a new city and all…
She wasn’t aware of what she was wearing when she opened the door. Hell, if she had been she wouldn’t have cared. She went to the door, wearing only Alex’s t-shirt, panties and a pair of huge, soft, white socks. She sighed and opened the door.
When she had thought she couldn’t be more confused… she had been wrong, because right now she was staring into Mark Sloan’s dark eyes.