fic: Kitamura
Title: Kitamura
Beta: pinkeuphoria1
Pairing: Kame/Kitamura
Rating: Hard R
Genre: Gen, Angst, Romance
Notes: Written for randomicicle as a part of capslock_turtle’s Kame rarepair exchange. Kame-centric.
Wordcount: 9,200
Summary: Casual crushes are nice for leisure… before they start getting a bit out of hands.
Kame meets some of his co-stars during the first costume fittings for Youkai Ningen Bem. It’s the usual, polite hassle - appreciative bows, smiles, half-laughed statements of “I look forward to working with you” and acknowledgement of the other actors’ previous works.
“I feel like a really plain detective right now,” Kitamura Kazuki jokes warmly in his grey suit. Kame chuckles as an answer and shuffles awkwardly in his leather trousers, not quite liking the way they rub against his skin. He’s not entirely convinced they’re fitting for a monster over a hundred years old. Natsume’s costume, though, is kind of a perfect fit. “Can I get a red tie? It would make this even more ordinary. I think Natsume would like that, he’s not exactly a fashion expert.”
“Aren’t you good at costume design,” Kame lets out a joyous laughter while the fitter sits by his feet, sticking pins to the hem of Bem’s coat, trying to decipher whether it’s too long or not. “Enough practice with tabloids?”
“Plenty,” Kitamura smirks at him. “You appear quite a lot, so I guess you’re lousier with disguises.”
It’s kind of true. He doesn’t feel comfortable in his skin if he’s dressed too casually. It’s not only because he’s an idol and he’s supposed to live up to people’s expectations even fashion-wise - he just genuinely enjoys dressing up nicely. It’s gotten to the point where he finds himself styling his hair when he’s having a day off with no plans to leave the house other than just to take his dogs out for a walk.
“I have an idol aura,” he shrugs as an answer to Kitamura, but never stops smiling. “Not to mention I’m often in tabloids all over the city anyway. If I’m going to get spotted, I might as well look good.”
“Good point,” Kitamura approves. His smile is wide and toothy, and his face has deep smile lines. Sometimes when Kame looks at people like him, he doesn’t think those lines would be so bad. When he looks in the mirror, though, he can’t resist spoiling his skin with anti-age creams.
“You’re in that suit commercial,” Kitamura realizes all of sudden. “3-D suit? What an earth is that anyway, aren’t suits always three dimensional? I’d be really worried if they weren’t…”
“Don’t ask,” Kame laughs and buries his face embarrassedly in his hands. “I have no idea. I guess it just sounds cool. As much as I’d like to know everything I market, I really don’t have the time to go into deep research about everything. Bigger projects come first.”
“Like drama parts? I heard from somewhere that you do research for your parts,” Kitamura prompts the conversation to a new direction. “Read the manga and watch the anime and stuff.”
“Yeah. I don’t want to disappoint the original fans of the series,” he answers very seriously. “I want to understand the characters before I act them out in front of the camera. Research is important. Winding up as a failure is easy if you don’t know how to meet the expectations.”
“Agreed,” Kitamura winks at him and lets out another low laughter. “It’s a bit awkward, though. Sometimes I read the material in the metro and such. Yaoh gave me some really long looks.”
Kame knows what he’s talking about. He remembers watching the drama when it aired, huddled up on his couch with Ran. It had been a bit of a guilty pleasure. His interests have always been… borderline unnatural and unacceptable. During those times he wasn’t this neurotic about it, though.
Back then, he’d kind of really had it going for Kitamura. It’s embarrassing to think about it now that they’re going to co-star in a drama, but he still finds Kitamura’s face erotic. It’s difficult to explain.
So many things have happened. He doesn’t like talking about it.
“I’m still in the middle of this series. Would you mind discussing the roles sometimes through mail? Unless you’re too busy,” Kitamura smiles, and he’s very smooth. Kame gives him a longer look, trying to decipher if there’s something other than work-related interest behind his words. Why is he so anxious again? It’s a struggle to keep himself composed all of sudden.
It’s a good thing he’s an actor. He can keep up his image and reputation with sheer skill.
He fishes out his mobile phone and hands it over to the man, naturally. None of it matters anyway. “Add your contact information there and I’ll definitely keep in touch,” he promises with a sincere voice. He isn’t going to back down on the promise either.
“Sweet,” Kitamura smirks. By the evening they’re already mailing avidly. Kame shakes off the uneasy feeling and gets himself back under control.
--
“You’re compromising our sales, Ueda,” Koki snickers at his bandmate while twirling a lock of his hair around his finger. “I never thought you’d be the one to go bald. I kind of feel like a proud parent… except I don’t, because it’s going to be disastrous. I can’t imagine it.”
“Koki, don’t be so unsupportive…”
“He’s got a point, though,” Junno laughs at Nakamaru’s feeble objections. “Ueda’s always been the little hair princess of the group. Hmm, I wonder how we’ll survive this apocalypse~ Kame’s going to get grey hair too -”
“Silver, and I told you it’s going to be a wig,” Kame interjects with a playfully nagging tone. “Since I don’t physically look like Bem at all, the production team wanted to remake my look completely. They don’t think I’d sell without hair, so they decided to add more of it.”
Ueda rolls his eyes and waves his hand dismissively. “Come on, it’s going to be a fresh change. I can’t remember the last time I had short hair.”
“I do,” Koki immediately jumps and pokes Ueda’s cheek with his finger, making the man wince. “It was during that ridiculous Gackt phase of yours. Aww, now I’m feeling nostalgic…”
Even Nakamaru fails to hold back an amused chuckle. Kame and Junno are howling with laughter and holding their stomachs, bent over childishly. Ueda’s face is flushed - he gets like that when his embarrassing teenage obsessions are brought up in a conversation. “Oh shut up…”
“I kind of admire you, though,” Kame admits sweetly after his laughter has died down a bit. “I mean, it’s a big thing for you, right? Shaving it off. It’s your selling point too, so… It’s courageous and admirable. Having the confidence to do that.”
“Nah, it’ll grow back,” Ueda groans with an irritated tone. “Stop being so sappy.”
“Sorry, sorry!”
“Aww!” Koki squeals happily - he’s particularly hyper today, Kame thinks - and jumps over to pinch his cheeks. Kame grimaces and tries to brush him off, yelling out his objections loudly. No one steps in to help him out. “You’re too cute for your own good, Kame-chan~”
Kame pouts and slaps Koki’s hand away. “I think someone needs to get laid…”
His phone buzzes in his back pocket. Junno whistles and Ueda high fives with him. “What?” Kame scoffs as he pulls the device out and opens the key lock - mail from Kitamura. His lip twitches into a smile.
“There, there! That look! He’s getting pervy mails from someone again!” Ueda bullies him ruthlessly. Kame flushes and opens his mouth to object, but Ueda’s voice only gets louder. “Do you have a girlfriend or are some baseball players you’ve befriended after some sweet ass again?”
Kame doesn’t think his face has ever burned so much. It’s not his fault that Jin had sometimes in the past played the games on his phone when he had received a rather… private mail. That Jin had skimmed through. Before making a huge deal about it. It’s not like Kame would’ve even had anything going on with that particular player, the mail was a bit of a surprise but… yeah. He’s never going to live it down, is he?
“Of c-course not!” he stutters stupidly and glares at his snickering bandmates while opening the mail. “It’s Kitamura, my co-worker from the drama. We’re discussing the characterisation. It’s no big deal. Work.”
“Hmm, no big deal,” Junno sighs, but his tone is suggestive. Nakamaru kicks his shin lightly, in a way he probably thinks is discreet. Discreet his ass. Kame glares at them angrily before he puts his phone back in his pocket. He can answer Kitamura later.
“Do you think Johnny will make Ueda wear a wig for KAT-TUN activities?” Kame ponders aloud thoughtfully, eager to change the topic. His sweaty palms are making him feel unreasonably guilty. “YOU, put a wig on, YOU look ridiculous!”
They all snicker and wheeze in laughter at the image while Ueda blushes and runs his fingers anxiously through his long locks. “I can’t believe you guys,” he groans miserably and stares at his reflection in the mirror with a horrified expression. “You’re so mean.”
“KAT-TUN at your service,” Koki smirks and jabs his finger into Ueda’s side.
Sometimes Kame loves them more than anything.
--
He palms the smooth fabric stretched over his crotch languidly. A relaxed sigh escapes his lips as he buries his head deeper in the decorative pillows and instinctively searches for footing with his soles. Ran and Jelly are making some ordinary ruckus around the kitchen area but he pays no heed to it because he hasn’t really done this in a few days and yes, he’s starting to get into it a little. He gulps a bit thickly and stares blankly at the plain white ceiling, waiting for some fantasy to ignite and make it all the better.
These moments are… private. It’s not that it’s bad per se, many people do it but… this is where he gets the liberty to dwell on the things he doesn’t really like to talk about. It’s awkward when he jacks off to the idea of doing something steamy with Nakamaru or a Giants’ baseball player he’s somewhat briefly met during Going! Sports & News filming. It didn’t use to be so strange to fantasize about Jin with all the complicated things they had going on but now that it’s completely off it’s just… no, he feels too miserable to even think about it. He does think about women every now and then, it’s not like it’s a problem but since he doesn’t really get a whole lot of action with men it’s mostly nice to at least imagine it every once in a while.
He feels flushed and weak, arousal slowly spreading through his body. The sound of paws joyfully padding into the room makes him a bit nervous but it’s okay, he’s used to it, it doesn’t really matter. He wets his lips and pulls his zipper down to get rid of some of the nerving pressure. All of a sudden he thinks of Kitamura’s smile, the teasing glint in his eyes and how it makes him so aware of everything that’s going on with his body. Yeah, that could work.
This is why doing this is so… awkward. Whatever.
He squirms on the couch a little to pull his trousers down just enough, as there’s no need to take them off completely. He takes a bit of a firmer grip and thinks of Kitamura going down on him and it’s just right. He has to admit that he’s always preferred his partners older, there’s something about mature individuals that really catches his breath. Maybe it’s some kind of a kink of his. He brings his hand up to wet his palm and fingers with his saliva. It’d be good to have something slicker now but he can’t be bothered to get up, it would just disturb the mood and it’s not like this is really all that special. He moans quietly as he continues fondling himself. There’s no need to go fast, this is leisurely. Not to mention the idea of Kitamura going down on him is working like magic. He closes his eyes and tries to imagine wetter sucking sounds, more realistic and fitting. His thighs are starting to feel pretty hot so he can just imagine it’s not only his heat but Kitamura’s too, as his body brushes against them and… yeah, that’s good. His toes curl and back arches a little and his breathing is hitching. He’s really getting off for this.
There’s a bark just beside him that snaps him back to reality. Jelly is whining and staring at him with a confused expression. He hushes and brushes her off gently, feeling sweaty and nervous. The poodle barks and runs around the low table before she prances out of the room, looking extremely playful. Kame pants, looks after her and wonders if he’s in the mood to go through this whole thing after all.
He’s aching, though, already quite hard. He brushes the tip with his thumb and feels his body respond to it. He could continue this, relax a little again. His chest flutters and toes curl as he pumps his cock and then his fantasy with Kitamura continues. He lets his back curve as he imagines the man wrapping his toned arms around it while blowing him and god he loves that, loves being devoured so intensively it’s almost like worship to him. He lets out a choked cry and tugs a bit harder and faster, looks down on himself briefly and out of breath while imagining the unruly dark hair against his skin. Kitamura’s face is beautiful and it’s arousing to imagine his lips stretched around him and just oh god…
He needs this. He doesn’t think he’s really realised how much he’s needed this before. His shaft is firm in his right hand as he brings the left one up to trail over his chest and neck, shit, he can’t keep his eyes open or his lips shut because he’s so incredibly turned on while his imaginary Kitamura gets wilder, pushier, more demanding and rougher. His hips jerk helplessly and he whimpers through his trembling lips, legs spreading further as his entire body starts arching and moving in waves.
Done. He makes sure to get most of it in his hand before grimacing on the rough fabric of the couch, spent and sated. His heart is still pounding loudly in his chest and he feels like he could take a nap but he has to clean this up and feed Ran and Jelly before they start bothering him further.
After a while of coming down from his orgasm, he wipes his flaccid cock to his hand and pulls his pants back up without zipping them as he makes his way to the kitchen sink (it’s the closest one) and brushes off the evidence of his activity. The kitchen towel is just in his reach and he grabs it to dry his hands while glancing around the house, wondering where his dogs are.
They’ll come around soon enough. As expected, the moment the sound of him tearing open the metallic lid from the dog food can cuts the air, Kame hears his dogs storming towards the kitchen in an excited hurry. He chuckles affectionately and gets the food dishes.
--
Filming a drama has always been a fun experience - it’s one of the reasons Kame loves doing it so much. It comes as a surprise for him, though, that the filming atmosphere for Youkai Ningen Bem is so incredibly bouncy and friendly. The director knows how to get the best performance out of him after their past collaborations in Nobuta wo Produce and One Pound Gospel, doting on Fuku makes them all feel affectionate and chirpy, and Anne and Kitamura are absolutely amazing individuals. Kitamura especially.
They’ve already shot most of the takes for the scene where Bem and Natsume fish crabs for Natsume’s daughter Yui. They’re not required to actually catch any - they’re just filming a drama after all - but somehow he gets caught up in the thrill with Kitamura and they laugh, joke and swear they’re not leaving before they catch some.
Kame sings the drama’s theme song ominously from a low key while pointing at the dark and misty water with the flashlight he’s been provided with. When he gets to Bela’s and Belo’s part he raises his voice several octaves so that he gets horribly off key. They both laugh and wheeze and Kitamura whacks his head playfully while trying to search the water for the little creatures.
“You’re scaring them away with your monstrous singing!” Kitamura teases him fondly and pinches his cheek. Kame pouts his lips and scoffs, although it’s really hard to contain the smirk that threatens to spread on his lips.
“No, I’m not! They’re just not there!” he complains back and leans over the water to see better. Kitamura grabs a firm hold of his coat to steady him, just in case. “Maybe they’re too smart for us. We’re such amateurs.”
“Ah, I see it, I see it! Move! Don’t move the light!” Kitamura’s excited cry suddenly cuts the air and Kame’s heart starts pounding in his chest.
“Where?!” he demands to know loudly. “I want to see it too! Catch it! Catch it!”
“I’ll get it!” Kitamura announces confidently. “I’m good with games,” he notes as he carefully dips the net in the dark water.
“Stop sounding like Junno, that is so creepy,” Kame laughs teasingly. “Can you get it? Catch it, I want to see it! I can’t remember the last time I did something like this.”
“Got it,” Kitamura boasts and makes a victory sign with his fingers. They keep poking the poor crab and snickering playfully while stuffing it near each other’s faces just to give the other one a momentary scare. Kame laughs and covers his face anxiously when Kitamura places the crab on the brim of his hat.
“This is almost like a date, isn’t it?”
Kame turns his head, looks at him. Kitamura looks… mature. A slight smile is pulling on his lips as they look at each other, long and awkward. He chuckles a bit, and Kitamura’s lively voice joins his. It’s funny how he can feel such intense panic whilst being so warm and comfortable. It’s hard to breathe.
“A crab date,” he jokes, trying to brush the ordeal off, make it meaningless. When it left Kitamura’s lips, it probably was quite innocent. His reaction to it was the thing that set them off like this, that got them so… alerted. He should know how to handle this already. He gets attractive baseball players he admires to flirt with him constantly during Going! filming. Why is Kitamura so different?
Maybe he really fancies the man. Kitamura is like a wild animal, sleek and untamed. He makes Kame’s heart set off in a threatening way, and Kame doesn’t really know if he’s even into men or not. This could all be going on inside his head. This sexual tension could be his fault.
Kitamura pinches his cheek and Kame groans. “That is so silly,” the man hums in amusement. He takes the flashlight from Kame’s hand and points it at his face. Kame’s mouth goes dry as he feels bare and naked under his scrutiny. He can’t see Kitamura from the light.
“Let’s continue our hunt, won’t we?” Kitamura suggests and flips the flashlight over, handing it back to Kame. “You look like you’re getting tired. We still have a few takes to go, so we might as well keep ourselves pumped up.”
“Yeah,” Kame agrees and tries to calm his racing heart by will. The urge to snake his arm around the man is strong, the need to get sultry and drag him home. He can’t, he knows he can’t, yet he wants him so hard it hurts, wants him in every way possible.
He hides his inner battle by jumping in the crab hunt with as much enthusiasm as he can possibly produce. Denial eats away his inappropriate thoughts and he almost convinces himself with the straight guy act he’s putting up. He almost convinces himself that they’re just friends with no ulterior motives or feelings.
Almost, but not quite.
--
“I’d fuck him,” Kame smirks at Nakamaru teasingly in KAT-TUN’s dressing room. His stomach churns contently as he sees the blush rise on his bandmate’s cheeks. Embarrassing him like this is a fun pasttime and Kame knows that Nakamaru doesn’t really mind that much. He also knows Kame isn’t always completely serious, and that sometimes he really has to joke about things lightly to talk about something that’s making him feel a bit down.
“Too much information, Kame,” Nakamaru states with a stern face and Kame smirks. It feels good to be flirty. He’s always been a bit nervous about acting slightly feminine around other people. He still is, and it’s difficult, but the tendency to do it is somehow branded in his personality and no matter how hard he tries he just can’t shake it off completely. It was really horrible when he was just a young kid, but he has to admit that it’s been better these past few years. He doesn’t get scrutinized over it so much, most people find it oddly cute. Maybe his behaviour is the reason behind all the you’re beautiful compliments he seems to hoard rather than the you’re handsome ones.
“Are you jealous?” Kame teases Nakamaru. “I’d sleep with you too.”
Nakamaru sighs. He’s straight, they both know it very well. Kame’s sexuality has never explicitly come up in a conversation; he’s always spoken about men in a joking manner. He thinks Nakamaru knows, still, which is why he feels somewhat confident in confining to him. He pouts his lips and stretches his neck lazily, trying to act nonchalant.
“If I was a girl, I’d totally want to go down on him, though,” he confesses briskly through a muffled yawn. “But don’t worry, Oppa, you’re still my favourite~” Nakamaru squirms in his seat and looks away, looking nervous and a tad bit sweaty in his argyle sweater. Kame elbows him gently and hops on his feet, laughing while he grabs his sports bag and starts strolling towards the gym hall. His chest feels tight and he’s a bit anxious but it’s okay. He can’t really be serious about anything with his strange sexuality anyway.
--
They’re having a location shoot. The weather is getting chillier now that winter is approaching, although he still doesn’t really have all that much trouble with it in Bem’s costume - the material of the shirt is thick and itchy, the leather of the pants rubs against his skin creating friction that keeps his legs warm and he’s still also got the coat and (thankfully) the thin scarf wrapped around his neck. It’s not the cold that makes him eager to lock himself inside the car while the production team is putting up the equipment and going through technical discussions. Truth be told, he feels nervous and anxious on this set - he isn’t used to having viewing rates that are this high.
He tries not to rub his tired eyes and smear the carefully done make-up. Instead, he squints his eyes thoughtfully while flipping through the script, speaking aloud a line or two every now and then for a few times just to get the feel of it, what he wants to do with it. This is just… stressing.
The viewers can’t be because of him. He can’t help but feel miserable and helpless. It’s probably all because of Anne and Kitamura, they’re… amazing. It’s pretty pathetic that all these years he’s worked his ass off while fighting for higher ratings for his dramas and now that he gets them, he feels so undeserving.
The car door opens. His head perks up to peer at a cheery Kitamura who’s bent down to talk to him, one of his hands wrapped around the frame of the door for support. “You’re immersed in the script again, Kamenashi?” he asks him with a spry smile.
Kame tries to crack him a smile in return. “You tried to carch my attention again and failed, didn’t you?”
“Yes. Squeeze up, I’ll join you. They’re still going to take about ten minutes or so.”
Kame does as he’s told, respectful towards his older co-star. Kitamura is taller beside him, even when they’re sitting. He’s leaning towards him to see the part of the script Kame’s going through. “You know your lines?” he asks amusedly, already knowing the answer which Kame gives to him with a mock-offended snort.
“Yes.”
His presence feels… good. There’s something about him that keeps pulling Kame in. Kitamura has earned his respect with his professionalism and dedication to his work. He’s a wonderful addition to the set and their chemistry works well on-screen (perhaps a bit too well, too). Going through different parts in the script with the man is enlightening; it’s good to see his character through someone else’s eyes too.
“So what’s the problem?” Kitamura questions him. He’s got a strong and defined brow and the slight redness beneath his eyes has been carefully covered with make-up. Kame cocks his head, muttering something incoherent while eyeing the script hastily. The older man pats his shoulder firmly. “Look at me, Kamenashi.”
Kame does. Kitamura pinches his cheek with a stupid, doting grin and Kame tries to wiggle away from his hold. “Hey!”
“Tell me, what’s the problem?” Kitamura asks him kindly. He’s reliable and more experienced than Kame is, the support figure on the set. Kame finds the way they click rather magnificent and wants really badly to be the perfect representative of the new generation so that Kitamura can feel proud of him.
Kitamura is watching him. His eyes are trailing across Kame’s body, making him feel nervous and prickly. He probably should’ve answered that question of his - now the silence between them is stretching and turning unpleasant because it’s creating some kind of built up of sexual frustration and where on earth did that come from.
They stare each other in the eye for a while, mildly breathless. He wonders how this situation will resolve itself - it’s not like they can all of sudden start making out on set. If they were alone elsewhere, who really knows? Then he’d have room to think of this properly, wonder if he’d feel comfortable about maybe sliding one of his hands up Kitamura’s thigh and observing him to see if he’s going to snatch the bait or not.
Kame knows how to appeal. He gets an awful lot of this from people. It happens sometimes during talk shows or magazine shootings - someone finds his appeal enamouring and he feels the interest thickly in the air, whether as a little extra doting, admiring, flirting, or straightforward physical advances.
He thinks back to his conversation with Nakamaru, the one about going down on Kitamura. He swallows thickly and lets his gaze avert awkwardly - this is inappropriate, he understands it. He’s worked for Johnny’s Entertainment long enough to know his limits. He’s not Akanishi Jin, he can’t bend the rules to his will. His career would fall if his true nature got exposed. He’s got to be the perfect example of decent behaviour. He’s not good enough to be himself and get away with it.
“I’m just thinking,” he opens his mouth to bring down the charged atmosphere. “I don’t want Bem’s character to resiliently stay the same. I understand that he’s incredibly old at this point, so old that his core personality is already well-defined, but… all these new people around him, all of this should be changing him still,” he tries to reason. “Like Natsume. I don’t think he’s ever had a friend that close before, other than Bela and Belo. I want to understand the change he’s going through, his concerns and joys.”
“Hmm,” Kitamura nods understandingly. “Are you a very guarded person, Kamenashi?”
Kame laughs. “I guess, partially. I’m good at being social and making people feel comfortable around me, but that’s part of the job. I like to keep my private affairs private. I hardly ever share them with anyone.”
“Keeping secrets is really exhausting, isn’t it?” Kitamura agrees with him, eyeing the script thoughtfully. “When you become more familiar with new acquaintances it sometimes becomes a wall. The grass is greener on the other side, so the desire for things you cannot have grows, doesn’t it?”
“Ah.” His brains are working again, building something on the foundations Kitamura helpfully laid out for him. “He’s becoming even more anxious if possible. The moments with Natsume are kind of like a fantasy, right? He’s addicted. It’s scary for him, though, because Natsume has the power to sweep him off his feet any second and then destroy him completely if he finds out that he’s a monster.”
Kitamura is smiling at him widely, his eyes warm and gleaming. “Sounds reasonable. So Natsume is Bem’s fantasy~?”
“I didn’t say so!” Kame replies to the teasing with a chuckle. “Although if you ask me, there’s something really romantically charged between Bem and Natsume.”
“Oh tell me about it,” Kitamura laughs and punches Kame’s forearm playfully. “Obviously there has to be something for everyone… even if Natsume is married. TV productions are so sly nowadays.”
Something for everyone indeed, even if it’s implicit homosexual material. Well, Kame has to admit that it would’ve made him likely to record the shows to watch them during his free time. It feels kind of good to promote it that way, too. Maybe he’ll help some young boys struggling with their sexuality. Then again, it’s probably what he’s been doing ever since he joined Johnny’s Entertainment anyway.
“Feeling braver?” Kitamura’s voice brings him back to reality. He stares at the man for a moment, perplexed. Kitamura smirks and opens the door from his side, sliding out of the vehicle. “I think they’re going to come for us soon. Time to film. Get up!”
“I’m coming,” Kame sighs and hops out of the car himself. It’s time to do some work again.
--
“You’ve been getting slimmer again, Ka-kun,” his mother scolds him and grabs him by the stomach. Kame winces and detaches himself from his mother’s insistent advances. “Do you eat properly? Is this about the new drama?”
“I’m eating properly, mum,” Kame insists stubbornly with a pout. “You know I cook for leisure. Plus I need proper nutrition to build muscle, I’m not stupid. I can handle myself. This is just temporary.”
“Don’t worry us all the time. You’re a good kid, Kazuya, but sometimes you don’t know when you’re trying to take too big of a bite. Like that incident when you were what, nine years old? When you -”
Kame blushes and lets out a loud cry. He doesn’t have to hear this story again, god, all of his family’s friends know it by now. It’s always so embarrassing. His childhood stupidity could be left in the past, please. “I’ll put on more weight once the drama is over. I promise.”
He’s not here for a long visit. He’s got half an hour before he needs to show up for a magazine shoot - his schedule hardly leaves him any time to take a proper breather. For now, it seems that the hectic schedule isn’t going to wear off for a while. He’s completely overbooked for a few weeks, so he’s dropping Ran and Jelly off at his parents’ house. As much as he hates it, he doesn’t have the time to take proper care of them. He can’t have the dog-sitter be in charge of then 24/7.
Ran has already disappeared somewhere, probably the bathroom. She has some kind of a weird obsession with the loud and shaky washing machine that Kame can never quite understand.
He wanders to his old room and sits down on the guest bed where Jelly is snoring lazily. Sometimes it’s funny how much noise a small dog like her can make, Kame thinks to himself, chuckles and lifts the little fur ball on his lap.
…He’s really going to miss his dogs. His apartment is so quiet and lifeless without them. When Ran and Jelly are gone, Kame really feels like his work is eating his life away. He hardly ever has time to think about it - he likes what he does, the work is challenging and he enjoys his free moments when he can just lounge around the apartment in sweatpants and enjoy a good bottle of sake but…
Hmm.
His mother leans against the doorframe, watching him. She’s got her arms crossed and she looks concerned, like she’d know everything that goes on in Kame’s head. She’s worried, he knows; he can’t help but worry the people around him.
“I saw you on TV,” his mother starts a conversation with a soft voice - she’s trying to dig for information. Kame feels stiff and uneasy, like he’s being scolded already. “Some kind of drama promotion. You looked like you were having fun.”
“I did,” Kame smiles at her shakily and tries to stretch his neck nonchalantly. He should really book a meeting with his masseuse. “The crew is great. We have a lot of fun filming. The ratings have been good too. It’s a good production.”
“I watched a few episodes,” his mother admits and Kame blushes - he knows his mother tries to keep up with his projects, but after it started to be too much, she’s only checked out the ones that actually interest her. “You look good together.”
“The youkais?” Kame tries. “Ah, we have so much fun. Fuku is adorable,” he grins, getting a bit hyped up. “It’s so nice to have someone young on the set again. Anne is amazing too, we like a lot of the same things. We’ve become really good friends.”
“That human too, the detective,” his mother pries and Kame’s palms get sweaty. He hesitates just for a moment and feels his smile faltering. It’s not much. It can be justified. He’s not that affected. “Ah, Natsume?”
“Yes,” his mother nods slowly. “Natsume.”
“He’s admirable,” Kame sighs, trying to keep his calm façade on. “He can really change his atmosphere when he gets into the role. He can pull off so many completely different characters… He’s amazing,” he praises his co-worker. “Really supportive too. He helps me out on set a lot.”
“You look good together,” his mother notes, and suddenly all of Kame’s defences go down at once. He’s sitting there, bare, scared, helpless and clueless of what to do. Such simple, innocent words and he’s been found out. He wonders if his mother has always known.
“Kazuya…” she sighs and sits next to him on the bed, but Kame isn’t ready for this. He knows how society works - everything is acceptable as long as there’s no solid evidence to condemn him. It’s not only about his readiness to come out of the closet, it’s about his right to do so, a right he doesn’t possess as an idol. He can hint all he wants, he can sleep with all the people he wants without getting caught, but explicitly identifying himself as a homosexual to other people… that’s something he can’t do.
“Would you love me, mum?” Kame asks quietly, his gaze fixed on the fur ball snoring comfortably on his lap. He brushes the fur absentmindedly, only barely registering the feel of the tough hair. “No matter what… If I made stupid decisions, if I never became a responsible adult, if something in my head was off…”
What is he even asking? He can’t expect a truthful answer without elaborating. His chest feels painfully tight and it’s hard to breathe. What on earth is he doing?
“…Is there something wrong, Kazuya?” his mother asks him gently. Kame can sense her trying to make eye contact with him, but he can’t return it. He sniffs miserably and leans down to press a light peck on top of Jelly’s head.
“Forget about it,” he insists. “It’s nothing. You don’t have to worry. I’m a bit tired. So much work.”
His mother sighs, long and deep, the way she usually does when she’s disappointed but knows that prying won’t get her anyway. The guilt is overwhelming. He’s always so difficult, can’t help but cause trouble. Sometimes, he feels like he can’t do anything right.
“Of course I’ll love you,” his mother insists and pulls him into a gentle embrace. Kame buries his face in her shoulder, breathes in her familiar scent and tries to keep himself calm, fight back the tears. Moments like this make him feel like he never grew up, never became a mature man. In his mother’s arms, he’s forever a weak and uncertain little school boy who doesn’t know how to live up to expectations. “Sometimes we might be angry or disappointed, but we could never stop loving you. You know that, Kazuya. You’re our son.”
“I know.” His voice comes out choked and Jelly lifts her head and winces, aware of her owner’s anxiety. Kame chuckles a bit and scratches her behind her ear. His mother runs her hands through his hair and smiles fondly at him.
“Just do what makes you happy,” she encourages him. “Haven’t we taught you that?”
“Yes,” he smiles crookedly and lets himself be spoiled. It’s good that there’s at least one place in the world where he isn’t constantly judged over every little action he takes.
Later, when he leaves the family house without his dogs, the edgy feeling and panic spark up again. He parks the car at a gas station and draws in an anxious breath. His hands are shaking horribly as he rummages through the cupboard on the passenger’s seat and pulls out a worn pack of cigarettes. He slumps down on his seat miserably and lights up one. He doesn’t open the windows to let the smoke out, doesn’t stop until he’s down half a package and his throat is sore and burns.
He’s so stupid. He’s so impossibly stupid. He lets out a choked cry and tries to recompose himself. He’s not supposed to be fucked up like this. It’s not what he gets paid for.
--
They have sandwiches for lunch on set, again. It’s a long day of filming since they’re starting to fall behind the schedule a bit. It’s important to catch up before it really becomes a problem. Kame doesn’t mind - he’s used to being caught up with work sometimes for almost 24 hours straight.
Long days aren’t easy for children, though. All of Fuku’s scenes have been crammed together so that his working hours don’t exceed the maximum, but it’s a tough job to tackle and sometimes Kame can see the irritation and frustration on the kid’s face. Moments like those, he can’t help his parental instinct from kicking in as he goes to whisk the kid away for a bit to make the filming experience as fun for him as possible.
“Have you already finished eating?” he asks the kid as he throws him on his back for a piggy-back ride. “We’ve still got break time left. You know, I brought my camera with me today.”
“Oh, yippee!” the little boy exclaims excitedly and leans over his shoulder. “Can we go and take pictures?”
“You bet,” Kame smirks and starts carrying the boy towards the trailer where their personal things are stored for the duration of the filming. “I thought we could take pictures of the rest of the staff today, you know. We could make a picture book and give it to everyone as a memory of this thing. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
“Really?!” Fuku squeals and jumps off his back when Kame bends down a little. The boy shamelessly runs over to Kame’s bag and starts rummaging through it in search of the promised object. Kame leans against the trailer’s doorframe and chuckles. “Can I help you put it together?”
“Sure, I think you can do the plans on computer. I’ll bring my laptop with me some day. I’m kind of bad with electronics so we might need someone else to help us too, though. Should we ask Anne? We could sign it as youkais.”
“Cool,” Fuku smirks as he finds the camera and turns it on, already familiar with the automatic settings. Kame doesn’t usually have a habit of bringing his possessions to filming sites, but he got the habit of carrying his camera around ever since he became in charge of the Kame Camera corner in MAQUIA. During those times he’d noticed Fuku taking a liking to the object and he started bringing it in regularly in case work got too tough. He’s heard that Fuku has been planning on purchasing a smaller, more convenient digital camera with his salary. It makes his chest fill with pride, just a little bit.
They mess around with the camera during the breaks that day. They take group pictures, ambush others who aren’t expecting them and do silly poses. In the end, Kame pulls Fuku against his side, encourages him to pose, winks at the camera and snaps a picture.
“He he he,” Fuku laughs as he skims through the pictures they’ve taken. “Ah, look at this one, Anne has such a weird look in her eyes! Scary!”
“That is scary,” Kame complies with a soft voice and a nod. “Do you want to go and show it to her? Just try not to break the camera. I think I’ll have a break here.”
“Thank you, Kame!” Fuku exclaims and tries to grab the camera but Kame holds onto it tightly with a mischievous smirk. “Forgot something?” he prompts and Fuku rolls his eyes before pecking his cheek. Kame lets go of the camera and ruffles his hair where it isn’t sticky with gel. “Off you go,” he encourages the boy who instantly dashes off.
Kame chuckles and leans against a car which is used to transport the filming equipment. He lets the brim of his hat cover his face as he smiles contently. He’s a little bit tired - too little time, too little sleep. Moments like these, though, he doesn’t regret them one bit.
“Hello,” Kitamura’s voice disturbs him and the man peels the hat off his head. Kame groans and tries to grab it back but Kitamura childishly keeps it too high for him to reach.
“You’re adorable with him. Have you ever considered getting a family?”
Kame freezes. His reaction is idiotic, it’s not like he hasn’t been asked the same question a gazillion times before, but somehow it still manages to shock him. He lets out a nervous laughter and shrugs. He doesn’t really know. Things like that are messy in his head right now.
“Ah, your agency?” Kitamura grimaces sympathetically and hands the hat over again. Kame grips it tightly in his hand. “I’ve heard that a good amount of you guys don’t really get married.”
“Yeah,” Kame nods. “Not many.” He gulps although his throat feels… tight. “It’s just that… it’s not only that, I don’t really… It’s complicated.”
Kitamura looks worried. He wishes he could talk about it but he can’t, he’s never really talked about it much. Confining in Kitamura right now would be ridiculous and irresponsible. They’ve only known each other for a few months now and even through there have been the constant, long, and observant looks from the older man he can’t really… he can’t go with his intuition. This could potentially create a mess for both of them.
Japan is simple with this stuff - do whatever you want, as long as you don’t ever admit to it and get caught. The problem is that it’s difficult to guard dark secrets like his when the press is constantly right behind his heels.
“It’s just that… there are many things. Against getting a family, I mean,” Kame sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose stressfully. “I love kids. I babysit my niece as much as I can with my job, she’s incredibly adorable and I just… I’d like to have kids, but it just doesn’t feel possible.”
“Hey,” Kitamura speaks to him softly. Kame takes a long sip from his water bottle and stares at his feet, unable to meet the man’s gaze. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were so concerned about this. I was tactless.”
Kame waves his hand and grimaces. He doesn’t want things to get awkward between them. It was just an innocent statement from Kitamura’s part, there’s no reason for him to feel guilt over it. “I guess it’s the age. Normal people usually start settling down already.”
“So you’re not in a serious relationship?” Kitamura asks him innocently and leans against the trailer with him. Kame chuckles. It’s actually quite a pretty day. The sky is clear and the ruckus of the set is comforting. He’s not that badly off.
“I don’t think I’ve dated anyone in over a year. I’ve been busy,” he answers lightly. “It’s hard to find someone who suits my tastes. I guess I’m too demanding, my mum always insists so…”
Kitamura laughs vibrantly and pats him on the shoulder. Sometimes he’s so incredibly supportive and reliable that Kame wants to tell it to him, but he never quite dares to. He doesn’t want to come out mushy. He might be a helpless romantic deep down but it’s not like he wants to rub it in people’s faces. It’s embarrassing.
“You know… Kamenashi, you’re a great person,” Kitamura tells him and Kame’s heart starts hammering in his chest awkwardly. He tries to keep his lovesick reaction off his face. “You’re hardworking, modest, kind, and brave. You have a habit of beating yourself down too much, though.” Ah, so it’s not going to be a confession. Why does he feel so incredibly disappointed when he never wanted a confession in the first place, when he doesn’t even know how to react to it other than flat out refuse the man? “You see things from many different perspectives. You’re special. I think you just need to straighten up and show it to the world.”
“Show what?” Kame chuckles darkly. “I have no idea what you’re trying to say.”
“Show your courage to be different,” Kitamura answers. He’s discreet, but Kame thinks he has an inkling idea of what he means. It makes his heart flutter - not because it’s Kitamura, per se, just… in general. That someone can speak to him so softly about it, encourage him rather than comfort him.
“Thank you.” It just comes out, the two words that can’t possibly even start to express how good Kitamura’s words really felt like for him. Kitamura smiles, his eyes soft and warm with tiny wrinkles around as his cheeks rise.
“You’re welcome,” he says, simply and politely.
--
This wasn’t probably what Kitamura had meant with his encouragement, but Kame doesn’t regret it. He stares at his reflection in the mirror, amazed by the transformation. The lights illuminate his face and it’s so absurd how he’s so different, it’s hard to recognize himself from the mirror.
It’s thrilling, the vibrant red shade on his lips. He can’t believe that he feels attractive like this, on the verge of androgyny with his male clothes and theatrical makeup. It’s not that this is like him at all - sure, he loves facial creams and such, but he doesn’t really have a thing for makeup- but something about this makes him feel bare and fierce, like he’s coming out with some horrible secret.
He shoots his reflection smoothly with an imaginary gun and smirks. Just for this issue, he’s not going to play it safe, come what may.
--
“Yo.”
“Hi to you too,” Kame yawns to his mobile phone and scratches his stubble absently. It’s a bit past midnight, but he’s feeling too nervous and agitated to sleep. Ran is sleeping on his shoulders, her breathing coming out in quiet wheezes while Kame lounges around his apartment in his sweatpants and a white wife beater.
It’s been awhile since he’s talked with Jin. They both understand that they’re busy and their schedules hardly ever match, especially now when they spend the majority of their time in different countries. Jin’s probably aware of his overburdening schedule too, once again. He’s got the drama, KAT-TUN and Going! Sports & News. KAT-TUN’s actually really busy nowadays. They all have so many projects it’s hard to make time for seeing each other outside of work.
“I saw your AnAn shoot,” Jin notes from the other side. It sounds like he’s eating. Jin’s always been kind of a loud eater. “Classy. It was a bit shocking. Man, what did they do to you?”
Kame laughs and sits down on his bed. Ran stirs, but doesn’t bother moving. “It looked good though, right?” he asks teasingly. “Jacked off to it yet?”
“Hell no!” Jin cries out defensively. He’s such a bad liar.
“Hmm, really~” Kame teases him, just because he can and it’s a guilty pleasure to make Jin squirm and blush. He deserves it for leaving the band, for leaving him. Sometimes he wonders if Jin regrets breaking up with him all those years ago, but in the end he doesn’t really think so. He doesn’t. The relationship they had ate a good portion of their friendship away. It’s better like this, when they’re just acquaintances.
“Really,” Jin tries insisting. “You’re such an ass.”
“You like ass,” Kame throws back, feeling oddly content with himself. It’s funny how Jin’s presence always makes him feel smart and witty. “But hey. Everything good with you? I haven’t heard much of you, I’ve been really busy.”
“All’s cool,” Jin hums happily. Kame tilts his body a little and Ran jolts away, whimpers before she jumps down on the bed. Kame lies down and yawns, scratches an itchy spot on his thigh through his sweatpants. “You, on the other hand,” Jin continues mischievously, the kid he is, “I’ve heard that you have been exceptionally busy swooning men off their feet.”
“Have I?” Kame growls, tight-lipped. “Who claims so?”
“Nakamaru,” Jin answers honestly. Of course. “He thinks you’re being all lovey-dovey with that co-actor of yours. Kitamaru, was it?”
“Kitamura,” Kame corrects him. Then he thinks about the man and a wide smile spreads on his face. Ran curls up against his shin, yawns and goes back to sleep.
Jin whistles on the other side of the line. “Did you fuck him yet?” Jin pesters him, the eternal gossiper. Kame snorts.
“No,” he answers truthfully. “It’s not that… explicit.”
“Wussy,” Jin accuses him, displeased. “You’ve known him for months. Isn’t your drama almost over? You’re running out of time, Kame, if you like him then you’ve got to make it explicit. Ask him out. I’m not saying you have to sleep with him on the first date, just let him know you’d fancy that. When was the last time you got any?”
“Shut up, I’ve got a busy schedule. We were supposed to meet up for dinner but… our schedules haven’t matched.”
“Ooh, dinner~” Jin snickers happily. “Is it a date?”
Insistent. Kame sighs, starting to feel a bit down about it. He just… doesn’t know. It’s risky. Everything is risky nowadays.
“It’s not a date,” Jin reads into the silence with a long sigh. “Kame, seriously. Live a little. No need to be so stuck up.”
“I’m not stuck up,” Kame objects with a frown. “I’m just evaluating it. Is it worth the trouble, you know?”
“That attitude is what’s going to leave you forever alone,” Jin whistles languidly. “Everything is risky, every kind of relationship is likely to make your job difficult. But, you know, there’s no fun in being alone forever. Just try. You could use some loving.”
“Persistent,” Kame giggles. “I just like taking things a bit slower.”
“That’s what she said,” Jin purrs devilishly, obviously content with his lame joke. “Seriously, what is it with you and older guys…” Kame rolls his eyes. Sometimes it’s weird to think that he used to date such an idiot.
“I’m off now, I need some sleep,” Kame cuts him off with a snarl. “Enjoy taking things slow with your girlfriend.”
“You know I don’t have one!”
“Get one,” Kame murmurs. “Take your own advice sometimes, jerk.”
He cuts the call before the brat manages to spurt out any guilt-tripping comebacks. Then his mind goes back to Kitamura and he chuckles to himself giddily as he slips his hand down his pants.
--
“Cheers!”
The sound of the crystal glasses clinging is thrilling, Kame thinks, now that it’s already been a couple of weeks and filming has ended. They have finally managed to hold the youkai golf cup they had feverishly planned for months and now they are here, sitting cross-legged on Kame’s decorative pillows and drinking sake to finish the long day.
“It was so much fun, hanging out with you two again,” Anne laughs after she’s downed her glass. As the perfect host, Kame grabs the bottle and gives her a refill. “Not too much! I have to go to work tomorrow afternoon.”
“A little hangover won’t kill you,” Kitamura teases her and pats Kame’s back between his shoulder blades. “Look, this guy is drinking too. I bet you have a hectic schedule tomorrow again.”
“A bit, but it’s not that bad,” Kame laughs. “Nothing I can’t handle. It’s my free day, let me share a bottle with my friends.”
None of them really plans to go overboard, but in the end that’s kind of what happens in good company. After the first bottle there are a few more, and in the end Kame lets Anne take over the guest room. They’re giggly and wobbly and Kitamura assures him that it’s probably better to not even try to set the living room couch in sleeping condition.
In the drunken haze, it takes Kame awhile to understand what it means to sleep in the same bed with Kitamura. Their sides are rubbing against each other (at least he’s sober enough to realise that he can’t possibly sleep naked with the company) and Kame tries his hardest to pretend he’s asleep while he faces the other direction.
The desire to touch Kitamura is frightening. All he wants, really, is for the man to brush a palm against his side, maybe push his knee a bit between his legs or press chapped lips on his nape or shoulder. His heart is racing as he contains the urge to hint that he might want something, anything, because this is ridiculous and he can’t make decisions like this when he’s drunk. He can’t ruin all of this because he can’t think straight.
The world spins and he fights to keep his eyes closed. He’s a bit nauseous. This had better not turn out to be a disaster.
In the end, he falls asleep without hearing Kitamura’s breathing evening behind him.
--
When Kame wakes up in the morning, Kitamura is already awake. The older man watches him with a soft and relaxed expression and lets out a deep sigh, head resting against the pillow. Kame’s heart races although there’s no body contact between them.
He knows what he wants to do. In his hazy state, he leans over to close the distance.
Beta: pinkeuphoria1
Pairing: Kame/Kitamura
Rating: Hard R
Genre: Gen, Angst, Romance
Notes: Written for randomicicle as a part of capslock_turtle’s Kame rarepair exchange. Kame-centric.
Wordcount: 9,200
Summary: Casual crushes are nice for leisure… before they start getting a bit out of hands.
Kame meets some of his co-stars during the first costume fittings for Youkai Ningen Bem. It’s the usual, polite hassle - appreciative bows, smiles, half-laughed statements of “I look forward to working with you” and acknowledgement of the other actors’ previous works.
“I feel like a really plain detective right now,” Kitamura Kazuki jokes warmly in his grey suit. Kame chuckles as an answer and shuffles awkwardly in his leather trousers, not quite liking the way they rub against his skin. He’s not entirely convinced they’re fitting for a monster over a hundred years old. Natsume’s costume, though, is kind of a perfect fit. “Can I get a red tie? It would make this even more ordinary. I think Natsume would like that, he’s not exactly a fashion expert.”
“Aren’t you good at costume design,” Kame lets out a joyous laughter while the fitter sits by his feet, sticking pins to the hem of Bem’s coat, trying to decipher whether it’s too long or not. “Enough practice with tabloids?”
“Plenty,” Kitamura smirks at him. “You appear quite a lot, so I guess you’re lousier with disguises.”
It’s kind of true. He doesn’t feel comfortable in his skin if he’s dressed too casually. It’s not only because he’s an idol and he’s supposed to live up to people’s expectations even fashion-wise - he just genuinely enjoys dressing up nicely. It’s gotten to the point where he finds himself styling his hair when he’s having a day off with no plans to leave the house other than just to take his dogs out for a walk.
“I have an idol aura,” he shrugs as an answer to Kitamura, but never stops smiling. “Not to mention I’m often in tabloids all over the city anyway. If I’m going to get spotted, I might as well look good.”
“Good point,” Kitamura approves. His smile is wide and toothy, and his face has deep smile lines. Sometimes when Kame looks at people like him, he doesn’t think those lines would be so bad. When he looks in the mirror, though, he can’t resist spoiling his skin with anti-age creams.
“You’re in that suit commercial,” Kitamura realizes all of sudden. “3-D suit? What an earth is that anyway, aren’t suits always three dimensional? I’d be really worried if they weren’t…”
“Don’t ask,” Kame laughs and buries his face embarrassedly in his hands. “I have no idea. I guess it just sounds cool. As much as I’d like to know everything I market, I really don’t have the time to go into deep research about everything. Bigger projects come first.”
“Like drama parts? I heard from somewhere that you do research for your parts,” Kitamura prompts the conversation to a new direction. “Read the manga and watch the anime and stuff.”
“Yeah. I don’t want to disappoint the original fans of the series,” he answers very seriously. “I want to understand the characters before I act them out in front of the camera. Research is important. Winding up as a failure is easy if you don’t know how to meet the expectations.”
“Agreed,” Kitamura winks at him and lets out another low laughter. “It’s a bit awkward, though. Sometimes I read the material in the metro and such. Yaoh gave me some really long looks.”
Kame knows what he’s talking about. He remembers watching the drama when it aired, huddled up on his couch with Ran. It had been a bit of a guilty pleasure. His interests have always been… borderline unnatural and unacceptable. During those times he wasn’t this neurotic about it, though.
Back then, he’d kind of really had it going for Kitamura. It’s embarrassing to think about it now that they’re going to co-star in a drama, but he still finds Kitamura’s face erotic. It’s difficult to explain.
So many things have happened. He doesn’t like talking about it.
“I’m still in the middle of this series. Would you mind discussing the roles sometimes through mail? Unless you’re too busy,” Kitamura smiles, and he’s very smooth. Kame gives him a longer look, trying to decipher if there’s something other than work-related interest behind his words. Why is he so anxious again? It’s a struggle to keep himself composed all of sudden.
It’s a good thing he’s an actor. He can keep up his image and reputation with sheer skill.
He fishes out his mobile phone and hands it over to the man, naturally. None of it matters anyway. “Add your contact information there and I’ll definitely keep in touch,” he promises with a sincere voice. He isn’t going to back down on the promise either.
“Sweet,” Kitamura smirks. By the evening they’re already mailing avidly. Kame shakes off the uneasy feeling and gets himself back under control.
--
“You’re compromising our sales, Ueda,” Koki snickers at his bandmate while twirling a lock of his hair around his finger. “I never thought you’d be the one to go bald. I kind of feel like a proud parent… except I don’t, because it’s going to be disastrous. I can’t imagine it.”
“Koki, don’t be so unsupportive…”
“He’s got a point, though,” Junno laughs at Nakamaru’s feeble objections. “Ueda’s always been the little hair princess of the group. Hmm, I wonder how we’ll survive this apocalypse~ Kame’s going to get grey hair too -”
“Silver, and I told you it’s going to be a wig,” Kame interjects with a playfully nagging tone. “Since I don’t physically look like Bem at all, the production team wanted to remake my look completely. They don’t think I’d sell without hair, so they decided to add more of it.”
Ueda rolls his eyes and waves his hand dismissively. “Come on, it’s going to be a fresh change. I can’t remember the last time I had short hair.”
“I do,” Koki immediately jumps and pokes Ueda’s cheek with his finger, making the man wince. “It was during that ridiculous Gackt phase of yours. Aww, now I’m feeling nostalgic…”
Even Nakamaru fails to hold back an amused chuckle. Kame and Junno are howling with laughter and holding their stomachs, bent over childishly. Ueda’s face is flushed - he gets like that when his embarrassing teenage obsessions are brought up in a conversation. “Oh shut up…”
“I kind of admire you, though,” Kame admits sweetly after his laughter has died down a bit. “I mean, it’s a big thing for you, right? Shaving it off. It’s your selling point too, so… It’s courageous and admirable. Having the confidence to do that.”
“Nah, it’ll grow back,” Ueda groans with an irritated tone. “Stop being so sappy.”
“Sorry, sorry!”
“Aww!” Koki squeals happily - he’s particularly hyper today, Kame thinks - and jumps over to pinch his cheeks. Kame grimaces and tries to brush him off, yelling out his objections loudly. No one steps in to help him out. “You’re too cute for your own good, Kame-chan~”
Kame pouts and slaps Koki’s hand away. “I think someone needs to get laid…”
His phone buzzes in his back pocket. Junno whistles and Ueda high fives with him. “What?” Kame scoffs as he pulls the device out and opens the key lock - mail from Kitamura. His lip twitches into a smile.
“There, there! That look! He’s getting pervy mails from someone again!” Ueda bullies him ruthlessly. Kame flushes and opens his mouth to object, but Ueda’s voice only gets louder. “Do you have a girlfriend or are some baseball players you’ve befriended after some sweet ass again?”
Kame doesn’t think his face has ever burned so much. It’s not his fault that Jin had sometimes in the past played the games on his phone when he had received a rather… private mail. That Jin had skimmed through. Before making a huge deal about it. It’s not like Kame would’ve even had anything going on with that particular player, the mail was a bit of a surprise but… yeah. He’s never going to live it down, is he?
“Of c-course not!” he stutters stupidly and glares at his snickering bandmates while opening the mail. “It’s Kitamura, my co-worker from the drama. We’re discussing the characterisation. It’s no big deal. Work.”
“Hmm, no big deal,” Junno sighs, but his tone is suggestive. Nakamaru kicks his shin lightly, in a way he probably thinks is discreet. Discreet his ass. Kame glares at them angrily before he puts his phone back in his pocket. He can answer Kitamura later.
“Do you think Johnny will make Ueda wear a wig for KAT-TUN activities?” Kame ponders aloud thoughtfully, eager to change the topic. His sweaty palms are making him feel unreasonably guilty. “YOU, put a wig on, YOU look ridiculous!”
They all snicker and wheeze in laughter at the image while Ueda blushes and runs his fingers anxiously through his long locks. “I can’t believe you guys,” he groans miserably and stares at his reflection in the mirror with a horrified expression. “You’re so mean.”
“KAT-TUN at your service,” Koki smirks and jabs his finger into Ueda’s side.
Sometimes Kame loves them more than anything.
--
He palms the smooth fabric stretched over his crotch languidly. A relaxed sigh escapes his lips as he buries his head deeper in the decorative pillows and instinctively searches for footing with his soles. Ran and Jelly are making some ordinary ruckus around the kitchen area but he pays no heed to it because he hasn’t really done this in a few days and yes, he’s starting to get into it a little. He gulps a bit thickly and stares blankly at the plain white ceiling, waiting for some fantasy to ignite and make it all the better.
These moments are… private. It’s not that it’s bad per se, many people do it but… this is where he gets the liberty to dwell on the things he doesn’t really like to talk about. It’s awkward when he jacks off to the idea of doing something steamy with Nakamaru or a Giants’ baseball player he’s somewhat briefly met during Going! Sports & News filming. It didn’t use to be so strange to fantasize about Jin with all the complicated things they had going on but now that it’s completely off it’s just… no, he feels too miserable to even think about it. He does think about women every now and then, it’s not like it’s a problem but since he doesn’t really get a whole lot of action with men it’s mostly nice to at least imagine it every once in a while.
He feels flushed and weak, arousal slowly spreading through his body. The sound of paws joyfully padding into the room makes him a bit nervous but it’s okay, he’s used to it, it doesn’t really matter. He wets his lips and pulls his zipper down to get rid of some of the nerving pressure. All of a sudden he thinks of Kitamura’s smile, the teasing glint in his eyes and how it makes him so aware of everything that’s going on with his body. Yeah, that could work.
This is why doing this is so… awkward. Whatever.
He squirms on the couch a little to pull his trousers down just enough, as there’s no need to take them off completely. He takes a bit of a firmer grip and thinks of Kitamura going down on him and it’s just right. He has to admit that he’s always preferred his partners older, there’s something about mature individuals that really catches his breath. Maybe it’s some kind of a kink of his. He brings his hand up to wet his palm and fingers with his saliva. It’d be good to have something slicker now but he can’t be bothered to get up, it would just disturb the mood and it’s not like this is really all that special. He moans quietly as he continues fondling himself. There’s no need to go fast, this is leisurely. Not to mention the idea of Kitamura going down on him is working like magic. He closes his eyes and tries to imagine wetter sucking sounds, more realistic and fitting. His thighs are starting to feel pretty hot so he can just imagine it’s not only his heat but Kitamura’s too, as his body brushes against them and… yeah, that’s good. His toes curl and back arches a little and his breathing is hitching. He’s really getting off for this.
There’s a bark just beside him that snaps him back to reality. Jelly is whining and staring at him with a confused expression. He hushes and brushes her off gently, feeling sweaty and nervous. The poodle barks and runs around the low table before she prances out of the room, looking extremely playful. Kame pants, looks after her and wonders if he’s in the mood to go through this whole thing after all.
He’s aching, though, already quite hard. He brushes the tip with his thumb and feels his body respond to it. He could continue this, relax a little again. His chest flutters and toes curl as he pumps his cock and then his fantasy with Kitamura continues. He lets his back curve as he imagines the man wrapping his toned arms around it while blowing him and god he loves that, loves being devoured so intensively it’s almost like worship to him. He lets out a choked cry and tugs a bit harder and faster, looks down on himself briefly and out of breath while imagining the unruly dark hair against his skin. Kitamura’s face is beautiful and it’s arousing to imagine his lips stretched around him and just oh god…
He needs this. He doesn’t think he’s really realised how much he’s needed this before. His shaft is firm in his right hand as he brings the left one up to trail over his chest and neck, shit, he can’t keep his eyes open or his lips shut because he’s so incredibly turned on while his imaginary Kitamura gets wilder, pushier, more demanding and rougher. His hips jerk helplessly and he whimpers through his trembling lips, legs spreading further as his entire body starts arching and moving in waves.
Done. He makes sure to get most of it in his hand before grimacing on the rough fabric of the couch, spent and sated. His heart is still pounding loudly in his chest and he feels like he could take a nap but he has to clean this up and feed Ran and Jelly before they start bothering him further.
After a while of coming down from his orgasm, he wipes his flaccid cock to his hand and pulls his pants back up without zipping them as he makes his way to the kitchen sink (it’s the closest one) and brushes off the evidence of his activity. The kitchen towel is just in his reach and he grabs it to dry his hands while glancing around the house, wondering where his dogs are.
They’ll come around soon enough. As expected, the moment the sound of him tearing open the metallic lid from the dog food can cuts the air, Kame hears his dogs storming towards the kitchen in an excited hurry. He chuckles affectionately and gets the food dishes.
--
Filming a drama has always been a fun experience - it’s one of the reasons Kame loves doing it so much. It comes as a surprise for him, though, that the filming atmosphere for Youkai Ningen Bem is so incredibly bouncy and friendly. The director knows how to get the best performance out of him after their past collaborations in Nobuta wo Produce and One Pound Gospel, doting on Fuku makes them all feel affectionate and chirpy, and Anne and Kitamura are absolutely amazing individuals. Kitamura especially.
They’ve already shot most of the takes for the scene where Bem and Natsume fish crabs for Natsume’s daughter Yui. They’re not required to actually catch any - they’re just filming a drama after all - but somehow he gets caught up in the thrill with Kitamura and they laugh, joke and swear they’re not leaving before they catch some.
Kame sings the drama’s theme song ominously from a low key while pointing at the dark and misty water with the flashlight he’s been provided with. When he gets to Bela’s and Belo’s part he raises his voice several octaves so that he gets horribly off key. They both laugh and wheeze and Kitamura whacks his head playfully while trying to search the water for the little creatures.
“You’re scaring them away with your monstrous singing!” Kitamura teases him fondly and pinches his cheek. Kame pouts his lips and scoffs, although it’s really hard to contain the smirk that threatens to spread on his lips.
“No, I’m not! They’re just not there!” he complains back and leans over the water to see better. Kitamura grabs a firm hold of his coat to steady him, just in case. “Maybe they’re too smart for us. We’re such amateurs.”
“Ah, I see it, I see it! Move! Don’t move the light!” Kitamura’s excited cry suddenly cuts the air and Kame’s heart starts pounding in his chest.
“Where?!” he demands to know loudly. “I want to see it too! Catch it! Catch it!”
“I’ll get it!” Kitamura announces confidently. “I’m good with games,” he notes as he carefully dips the net in the dark water.
“Stop sounding like Junno, that is so creepy,” Kame laughs teasingly. “Can you get it? Catch it, I want to see it! I can’t remember the last time I did something like this.”
“Got it,” Kitamura boasts and makes a victory sign with his fingers. They keep poking the poor crab and snickering playfully while stuffing it near each other’s faces just to give the other one a momentary scare. Kame laughs and covers his face anxiously when Kitamura places the crab on the brim of his hat.
“This is almost like a date, isn’t it?”
Kame turns his head, looks at him. Kitamura looks… mature. A slight smile is pulling on his lips as they look at each other, long and awkward. He chuckles a bit, and Kitamura’s lively voice joins his. It’s funny how he can feel such intense panic whilst being so warm and comfortable. It’s hard to breathe.
“A crab date,” he jokes, trying to brush the ordeal off, make it meaningless. When it left Kitamura’s lips, it probably was quite innocent. His reaction to it was the thing that set them off like this, that got them so… alerted. He should know how to handle this already. He gets attractive baseball players he admires to flirt with him constantly during Going! filming. Why is Kitamura so different?
Maybe he really fancies the man. Kitamura is like a wild animal, sleek and untamed. He makes Kame’s heart set off in a threatening way, and Kame doesn’t really know if he’s even into men or not. This could all be going on inside his head. This sexual tension could be his fault.
Kitamura pinches his cheek and Kame groans. “That is so silly,” the man hums in amusement. He takes the flashlight from Kame’s hand and points it at his face. Kame’s mouth goes dry as he feels bare and naked under his scrutiny. He can’t see Kitamura from the light.
“Let’s continue our hunt, won’t we?” Kitamura suggests and flips the flashlight over, handing it back to Kame. “You look like you’re getting tired. We still have a few takes to go, so we might as well keep ourselves pumped up.”
“Yeah,” Kame agrees and tries to calm his racing heart by will. The urge to snake his arm around the man is strong, the need to get sultry and drag him home. He can’t, he knows he can’t, yet he wants him so hard it hurts, wants him in every way possible.
He hides his inner battle by jumping in the crab hunt with as much enthusiasm as he can possibly produce. Denial eats away his inappropriate thoughts and he almost convinces himself with the straight guy act he’s putting up. He almost convinces himself that they’re just friends with no ulterior motives or feelings.
Almost, but not quite.
--
“I’d fuck him,” Kame smirks at Nakamaru teasingly in KAT-TUN’s dressing room. His stomach churns contently as he sees the blush rise on his bandmate’s cheeks. Embarrassing him like this is a fun pasttime and Kame knows that Nakamaru doesn’t really mind that much. He also knows Kame isn’t always completely serious, and that sometimes he really has to joke about things lightly to talk about something that’s making him feel a bit down.
“Too much information, Kame,” Nakamaru states with a stern face and Kame smirks. It feels good to be flirty. He’s always been a bit nervous about acting slightly feminine around other people. He still is, and it’s difficult, but the tendency to do it is somehow branded in his personality and no matter how hard he tries he just can’t shake it off completely. It was really horrible when he was just a young kid, but he has to admit that it’s been better these past few years. He doesn’t get scrutinized over it so much, most people find it oddly cute. Maybe his behaviour is the reason behind all the you’re beautiful compliments he seems to hoard rather than the you’re handsome ones.
“Are you jealous?” Kame teases Nakamaru. “I’d sleep with you too.”
Nakamaru sighs. He’s straight, they both know it very well. Kame’s sexuality has never explicitly come up in a conversation; he’s always spoken about men in a joking manner. He thinks Nakamaru knows, still, which is why he feels somewhat confident in confining to him. He pouts his lips and stretches his neck lazily, trying to act nonchalant.
“If I was a girl, I’d totally want to go down on him, though,” he confesses briskly through a muffled yawn. “But don’t worry, Oppa, you’re still my favourite~” Nakamaru squirms in his seat and looks away, looking nervous and a tad bit sweaty in his argyle sweater. Kame elbows him gently and hops on his feet, laughing while he grabs his sports bag and starts strolling towards the gym hall. His chest feels tight and he’s a bit anxious but it’s okay. He can’t really be serious about anything with his strange sexuality anyway.
--
They’re having a location shoot. The weather is getting chillier now that winter is approaching, although he still doesn’t really have all that much trouble with it in Bem’s costume - the material of the shirt is thick and itchy, the leather of the pants rubs against his skin creating friction that keeps his legs warm and he’s still also got the coat and (thankfully) the thin scarf wrapped around his neck. It’s not the cold that makes him eager to lock himself inside the car while the production team is putting up the equipment and going through technical discussions. Truth be told, he feels nervous and anxious on this set - he isn’t used to having viewing rates that are this high.
He tries not to rub his tired eyes and smear the carefully done make-up. Instead, he squints his eyes thoughtfully while flipping through the script, speaking aloud a line or two every now and then for a few times just to get the feel of it, what he wants to do with it. This is just… stressing.
The viewers can’t be because of him. He can’t help but feel miserable and helpless. It’s probably all because of Anne and Kitamura, they’re… amazing. It’s pretty pathetic that all these years he’s worked his ass off while fighting for higher ratings for his dramas and now that he gets them, he feels so undeserving.
The car door opens. His head perks up to peer at a cheery Kitamura who’s bent down to talk to him, one of his hands wrapped around the frame of the door for support. “You’re immersed in the script again, Kamenashi?” he asks him with a spry smile.
Kame tries to crack him a smile in return. “You tried to carch my attention again and failed, didn’t you?”
“Yes. Squeeze up, I’ll join you. They’re still going to take about ten minutes or so.”
Kame does as he’s told, respectful towards his older co-star. Kitamura is taller beside him, even when they’re sitting. He’s leaning towards him to see the part of the script Kame’s going through. “You know your lines?” he asks amusedly, already knowing the answer which Kame gives to him with a mock-offended snort.
“Yes.”
His presence feels… good. There’s something about him that keeps pulling Kame in. Kitamura has earned his respect with his professionalism and dedication to his work. He’s a wonderful addition to the set and their chemistry works well on-screen (perhaps a bit too well, too). Going through different parts in the script with the man is enlightening; it’s good to see his character through someone else’s eyes too.
“So what’s the problem?” Kitamura questions him. He’s got a strong and defined brow and the slight redness beneath his eyes has been carefully covered with make-up. Kame cocks his head, muttering something incoherent while eyeing the script hastily. The older man pats his shoulder firmly. “Look at me, Kamenashi.”
Kame does. Kitamura pinches his cheek with a stupid, doting grin and Kame tries to wiggle away from his hold. “Hey!”
“Tell me, what’s the problem?” Kitamura asks him kindly. He’s reliable and more experienced than Kame is, the support figure on the set. Kame finds the way they click rather magnificent and wants really badly to be the perfect representative of the new generation so that Kitamura can feel proud of him.
Kitamura is watching him. His eyes are trailing across Kame’s body, making him feel nervous and prickly. He probably should’ve answered that question of his - now the silence between them is stretching and turning unpleasant because it’s creating some kind of built up of sexual frustration and where on earth did that come from.
They stare each other in the eye for a while, mildly breathless. He wonders how this situation will resolve itself - it’s not like they can all of sudden start making out on set. If they were alone elsewhere, who really knows? Then he’d have room to think of this properly, wonder if he’d feel comfortable about maybe sliding one of his hands up Kitamura’s thigh and observing him to see if he’s going to snatch the bait or not.
Kame knows how to appeal. He gets an awful lot of this from people. It happens sometimes during talk shows or magazine shootings - someone finds his appeal enamouring and he feels the interest thickly in the air, whether as a little extra doting, admiring, flirting, or straightforward physical advances.
He thinks back to his conversation with Nakamaru, the one about going down on Kitamura. He swallows thickly and lets his gaze avert awkwardly - this is inappropriate, he understands it. He’s worked for Johnny’s Entertainment long enough to know his limits. He’s not Akanishi Jin, he can’t bend the rules to his will. His career would fall if his true nature got exposed. He’s got to be the perfect example of decent behaviour. He’s not good enough to be himself and get away with it.
“I’m just thinking,” he opens his mouth to bring down the charged atmosphere. “I don’t want Bem’s character to resiliently stay the same. I understand that he’s incredibly old at this point, so old that his core personality is already well-defined, but… all these new people around him, all of this should be changing him still,” he tries to reason. “Like Natsume. I don’t think he’s ever had a friend that close before, other than Bela and Belo. I want to understand the change he’s going through, his concerns and joys.”
“Hmm,” Kitamura nods understandingly. “Are you a very guarded person, Kamenashi?”
Kame laughs. “I guess, partially. I’m good at being social and making people feel comfortable around me, but that’s part of the job. I like to keep my private affairs private. I hardly ever share them with anyone.”
“Keeping secrets is really exhausting, isn’t it?” Kitamura agrees with him, eyeing the script thoughtfully. “When you become more familiar with new acquaintances it sometimes becomes a wall. The grass is greener on the other side, so the desire for things you cannot have grows, doesn’t it?”
“Ah.” His brains are working again, building something on the foundations Kitamura helpfully laid out for him. “He’s becoming even more anxious if possible. The moments with Natsume are kind of like a fantasy, right? He’s addicted. It’s scary for him, though, because Natsume has the power to sweep him off his feet any second and then destroy him completely if he finds out that he’s a monster.”
Kitamura is smiling at him widely, his eyes warm and gleaming. “Sounds reasonable. So Natsume is Bem’s fantasy~?”
“I didn’t say so!” Kame replies to the teasing with a chuckle. “Although if you ask me, there’s something really romantically charged between Bem and Natsume.”
“Oh tell me about it,” Kitamura laughs and punches Kame’s forearm playfully. “Obviously there has to be something for everyone… even if Natsume is married. TV productions are so sly nowadays.”
Something for everyone indeed, even if it’s implicit homosexual material. Well, Kame has to admit that it would’ve made him likely to record the shows to watch them during his free time. It feels kind of good to promote it that way, too. Maybe he’ll help some young boys struggling with their sexuality. Then again, it’s probably what he’s been doing ever since he joined Johnny’s Entertainment anyway.
“Feeling braver?” Kitamura’s voice brings him back to reality. He stares at the man for a moment, perplexed. Kitamura smirks and opens the door from his side, sliding out of the vehicle. “I think they’re going to come for us soon. Time to film. Get up!”
“I’m coming,” Kame sighs and hops out of the car himself. It’s time to do some work again.
--
“You’ve been getting slimmer again, Ka-kun,” his mother scolds him and grabs him by the stomach. Kame winces and detaches himself from his mother’s insistent advances. “Do you eat properly? Is this about the new drama?”
“I’m eating properly, mum,” Kame insists stubbornly with a pout. “You know I cook for leisure. Plus I need proper nutrition to build muscle, I’m not stupid. I can handle myself. This is just temporary.”
“Don’t worry us all the time. You’re a good kid, Kazuya, but sometimes you don’t know when you’re trying to take too big of a bite. Like that incident when you were what, nine years old? When you -”
Kame blushes and lets out a loud cry. He doesn’t have to hear this story again, god, all of his family’s friends know it by now. It’s always so embarrassing. His childhood stupidity could be left in the past, please. “I’ll put on more weight once the drama is over. I promise.”
He’s not here for a long visit. He’s got half an hour before he needs to show up for a magazine shoot - his schedule hardly leaves him any time to take a proper breather. For now, it seems that the hectic schedule isn’t going to wear off for a while. He’s completely overbooked for a few weeks, so he’s dropping Ran and Jelly off at his parents’ house. As much as he hates it, he doesn’t have the time to take proper care of them. He can’t have the dog-sitter be in charge of then 24/7.
Ran has already disappeared somewhere, probably the bathroom. She has some kind of a weird obsession with the loud and shaky washing machine that Kame can never quite understand.
He wanders to his old room and sits down on the guest bed where Jelly is snoring lazily. Sometimes it’s funny how much noise a small dog like her can make, Kame thinks to himself, chuckles and lifts the little fur ball on his lap.
…He’s really going to miss his dogs. His apartment is so quiet and lifeless without them. When Ran and Jelly are gone, Kame really feels like his work is eating his life away. He hardly ever has time to think about it - he likes what he does, the work is challenging and he enjoys his free moments when he can just lounge around the apartment in sweatpants and enjoy a good bottle of sake but…
Hmm.
His mother leans against the doorframe, watching him. She’s got her arms crossed and she looks concerned, like she’d know everything that goes on in Kame’s head. She’s worried, he knows; he can’t help but worry the people around him.
“I saw you on TV,” his mother starts a conversation with a soft voice - she’s trying to dig for information. Kame feels stiff and uneasy, like he’s being scolded already. “Some kind of drama promotion. You looked like you were having fun.”
“I did,” Kame smiles at her shakily and tries to stretch his neck nonchalantly. He should really book a meeting with his masseuse. “The crew is great. We have a lot of fun filming. The ratings have been good too. It’s a good production.”
“I watched a few episodes,” his mother admits and Kame blushes - he knows his mother tries to keep up with his projects, but after it started to be too much, she’s only checked out the ones that actually interest her. “You look good together.”
“The youkais?” Kame tries. “Ah, we have so much fun. Fuku is adorable,” he grins, getting a bit hyped up. “It’s so nice to have someone young on the set again. Anne is amazing too, we like a lot of the same things. We’ve become really good friends.”
“That human too, the detective,” his mother pries and Kame’s palms get sweaty. He hesitates just for a moment and feels his smile faltering. It’s not much. It can be justified. He’s not that affected. “Ah, Natsume?”
“Yes,” his mother nods slowly. “Natsume.”
“He’s admirable,” Kame sighs, trying to keep his calm façade on. “He can really change his atmosphere when he gets into the role. He can pull off so many completely different characters… He’s amazing,” he praises his co-worker. “Really supportive too. He helps me out on set a lot.”
“You look good together,” his mother notes, and suddenly all of Kame’s defences go down at once. He’s sitting there, bare, scared, helpless and clueless of what to do. Such simple, innocent words and he’s been found out. He wonders if his mother has always known.
“Kazuya…” she sighs and sits next to him on the bed, but Kame isn’t ready for this. He knows how society works - everything is acceptable as long as there’s no solid evidence to condemn him. It’s not only about his readiness to come out of the closet, it’s about his right to do so, a right he doesn’t possess as an idol. He can hint all he wants, he can sleep with all the people he wants without getting caught, but explicitly identifying himself as a homosexual to other people… that’s something he can’t do.
“Would you love me, mum?” Kame asks quietly, his gaze fixed on the fur ball snoring comfortably on his lap. He brushes the fur absentmindedly, only barely registering the feel of the tough hair. “No matter what… If I made stupid decisions, if I never became a responsible adult, if something in my head was off…”
What is he even asking? He can’t expect a truthful answer without elaborating. His chest feels painfully tight and it’s hard to breathe. What on earth is he doing?
“…Is there something wrong, Kazuya?” his mother asks him gently. Kame can sense her trying to make eye contact with him, but he can’t return it. He sniffs miserably and leans down to press a light peck on top of Jelly’s head.
“Forget about it,” he insists. “It’s nothing. You don’t have to worry. I’m a bit tired. So much work.”
His mother sighs, long and deep, the way she usually does when she’s disappointed but knows that prying won’t get her anyway. The guilt is overwhelming. He’s always so difficult, can’t help but cause trouble. Sometimes, he feels like he can’t do anything right.
“Of course I’ll love you,” his mother insists and pulls him into a gentle embrace. Kame buries his face in her shoulder, breathes in her familiar scent and tries to keep himself calm, fight back the tears. Moments like this make him feel like he never grew up, never became a mature man. In his mother’s arms, he’s forever a weak and uncertain little school boy who doesn’t know how to live up to expectations. “Sometimes we might be angry or disappointed, but we could never stop loving you. You know that, Kazuya. You’re our son.”
“I know.” His voice comes out choked and Jelly lifts her head and winces, aware of her owner’s anxiety. Kame chuckles a bit and scratches her behind her ear. His mother runs her hands through his hair and smiles fondly at him.
“Just do what makes you happy,” she encourages him. “Haven’t we taught you that?”
“Yes,” he smiles crookedly and lets himself be spoiled. It’s good that there’s at least one place in the world where he isn’t constantly judged over every little action he takes.
Later, when he leaves the family house without his dogs, the edgy feeling and panic spark up again. He parks the car at a gas station and draws in an anxious breath. His hands are shaking horribly as he rummages through the cupboard on the passenger’s seat and pulls out a worn pack of cigarettes. He slumps down on his seat miserably and lights up one. He doesn’t open the windows to let the smoke out, doesn’t stop until he’s down half a package and his throat is sore and burns.
He’s so stupid. He’s so impossibly stupid. He lets out a choked cry and tries to recompose himself. He’s not supposed to be fucked up like this. It’s not what he gets paid for.
--
They have sandwiches for lunch on set, again. It’s a long day of filming since they’re starting to fall behind the schedule a bit. It’s important to catch up before it really becomes a problem. Kame doesn’t mind - he’s used to being caught up with work sometimes for almost 24 hours straight.
Long days aren’t easy for children, though. All of Fuku’s scenes have been crammed together so that his working hours don’t exceed the maximum, but it’s a tough job to tackle and sometimes Kame can see the irritation and frustration on the kid’s face. Moments like those, he can’t help his parental instinct from kicking in as he goes to whisk the kid away for a bit to make the filming experience as fun for him as possible.
“Have you already finished eating?” he asks the kid as he throws him on his back for a piggy-back ride. “We’ve still got break time left. You know, I brought my camera with me today.”
“Oh, yippee!” the little boy exclaims excitedly and leans over his shoulder. “Can we go and take pictures?”
“You bet,” Kame smirks and starts carrying the boy towards the trailer where their personal things are stored for the duration of the filming. “I thought we could take pictures of the rest of the staff today, you know. We could make a picture book and give it to everyone as a memory of this thing. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
“Really?!” Fuku squeals and jumps off his back when Kame bends down a little. The boy shamelessly runs over to Kame’s bag and starts rummaging through it in search of the promised object. Kame leans against the trailer’s doorframe and chuckles. “Can I help you put it together?”
“Sure, I think you can do the plans on computer. I’ll bring my laptop with me some day. I’m kind of bad with electronics so we might need someone else to help us too, though. Should we ask Anne? We could sign it as youkais.”
“Cool,” Fuku smirks as he finds the camera and turns it on, already familiar with the automatic settings. Kame doesn’t usually have a habit of bringing his possessions to filming sites, but he got the habit of carrying his camera around ever since he became in charge of the Kame Camera corner in MAQUIA. During those times he’d noticed Fuku taking a liking to the object and he started bringing it in regularly in case work got too tough. He’s heard that Fuku has been planning on purchasing a smaller, more convenient digital camera with his salary. It makes his chest fill with pride, just a little bit.
They mess around with the camera during the breaks that day. They take group pictures, ambush others who aren’t expecting them and do silly poses. In the end, Kame pulls Fuku against his side, encourages him to pose, winks at the camera and snaps a picture.
“He he he,” Fuku laughs as he skims through the pictures they’ve taken. “Ah, look at this one, Anne has such a weird look in her eyes! Scary!”
“That is scary,” Kame complies with a soft voice and a nod. “Do you want to go and show it to her? Just try not to break the camera. I think I’ll have a break here.”
“Thank you, Kame!” Fuku exclaims and tries to grab the camera but Kame holds onto it tightly with a mischievous smirk. “Forgot something?” he prompts and Fuku rolls his eyes before pecking his cheek. Kame lets go of the camera and ruffles his hair where it isn’t sticky with gel. “Off you go,” he encourages the boy who instantly dashes off.
Kame chuckles and leans against a car which is used to transport the filming equipment. He lets the brim of his hat cover his face as he smiles contently. He’s a little bit tired - too little time, too little sleep. Moments like these, though, he doesn’t regret them one bit.
“Hello,” Kitamura’s voice disturbs him and the man peels the hat off his head. Kame groans and tries to grab it back but Kitamura childishly keeps it too high for him to reach.
“You’re adorable with him. Have you ever considered getting a family?”
Kame freezes. His reaction is idiotic, it’s not like he hasn’t been asked the same question a gazillion times before, but somehow it still manages to shock him. He lets out a nervous laughter and shrugs. He doesn’t really know. Things like that are messy in his head right now.
“Ah, your agency?” Kitamura grimaces sympathetically and hands the hat over again. Kame grips it tightly in his hand. “I’ve heard that a good amount of you guys don’t really get married.”
“Yeah,” Kame nods. “Not many.” He gulps although his throat feels… tight. “It’s just that… it’s not only that, I don’t really… It’s complicated.”
Kitamura looks worried. He wishes he could talk about it but he can’t, he’s never really talked about it much. Confining in Kitamura right now would be ridiculous and irresponsible. They’ve only known each other for a few months now and even through there have been the constant, long, and observant looks from the older man he can’t really… he can’t go with his intuition. This could potentially create a mess for both of them.
Japan is simple with this stuff - do whatever you want, as long as you don’t ever admit to it and get caught. The problem is that it’s difficult to guard dark secrets like his when the press is constantly right behind his heels.
“It’s just that… there are many things. Against getting a family, I mean,” Kame sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose stressfully. “I love kids. I babysit my niece as much as I can with my job, she’s incredibly adorable and I just… I’d like to have kids, but it just doesn’t feel possible.”
“Hey,” Kitamura speaks to him softly. Kame takes a long sip from his water bottle and stares at his feet, unable to meet the man’s gaze. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were so concerned about this. I was tactless.”
Kame waves his hand and grimaces. He doesn’t want things to get awkward between them. It was just an innocent statement from Kitamura’s part, there’s no reason for him to feel guilt over it. “I guess it’s the age. Normal people usually start settling down already.”
“So you’re not in a serious relationship?” Kitamura asks him innocently and leans against the trailer with him. Kame chuckles. It’s actually quite a pretty day. The sky is clear and the ruckus of the set is comforting. He’s not that badly off.
“I don’t think I’ve dated anyone in over a year. I’ve been busy,” he answers lightly. “It’s hard to find someone who suits my tastes. I guess I’m too demanding, my mum always insists so…”
Kitamura laughs vibrantly and pats him on the shoulder. Sometimes he’s so incredibly supportive and reliable that Kame wants to tell it to him, but he never quite dares to. He doesn’t want to come out mushy. He might be a helpless romantic deep down but it’s not like he wants to rub it in people’s faces. It’s embarrassing.
“You know… Kamenashi, you’re a great person,” Kitamura tells him and Kame’s heart starts hammering in his chest awkwardly. He tries to keep his lovesick reaction off his face. “You’re hardworking, modest, kind, and brave. You have a habit of beating yourself down too much, though.” Ah, so it’s not going to be a confession. Why does he feel so incredibly disappointed when he never wanted a confession in the first place, when he doesn’t even know how to react to it other than flat out refuse the man? “You see things from many different perspectives. You’re special. I think you just need to straighten up and show it to the world.”
“Show what?” Kame chuckles darkly. “I have no idea what you’re trying to say.”
“Show your courage to be different,” Kitamura answers. He’s discreet, but Kame thinks he has an inkling idea of what he means. It makes his heart flutter - not because it’s Kitamura, per se, just… in general. That someone can speak to him so softly about it, encourage him rather than comfort him.
“Thank you.” It just comes out, the two words that can’t possibly even start to express how good Kitamura’s words really felt like for him. Kitamura smiles, his eyes soft and warm with tiny wrinkles around as his cheeks rise.
“You’re welcome,” he says, simply and politely.
--
This wasn’t probably what Kitamura had meant with his encouragement, but Kame doesn’t regret it. He stares at his reflection in the mirror, amazed by the transformation. The lights illuminate his face and it’s so absurd how he’s so different, it’s hard to recognize himself from the mirror.
It’s thrilling, the vibrant red shade on his lips. He can’t believe that he feels attractive like this, on the verge of androgyny with his male clothes and theatrical makeup. It’s not that this is like him at all - sure, he loves facial creams and such, but he doesn’t really have a thing for makeup- but something about this makes him feel bare and fierce, like he’s coming out with some horrible secret.
He shoots his reflection smoothly with an imaginary gun and smirks. Just for this issue, he’s not going to play it safe, come what may.
--
“Yo.”
“Hi to you too,” Kame yawns to his mobile phone and scratches his stubble absently. It’s a bit past midnight, but he’s feeling too nervous and agitated to sleep. Ran is sleeping on his shoulders, her breathing coming out in quiet wheezes while Kame lounges around his apartment in his sweatpants and a white wife beater.
It’s been awhile since he’s talked with Jin. They both understand that they’re busy and their schedules hardly ever match, especially now when they spend the majority of their time in different countries. Jin’s probably aware of his overburdening schedule too, once again. He’s got the drama, KAT-TUN and Going! Sports & News. KAT-TUN’s actually really busy nowadays. They all have so many projects it’s hard to make time for seeing each other outside of work.
“I saw your AnAn shoot,” Jin notes from the other side. It sounds like he’s eating. Jin’s always been kind of a loud eater. “Classy. It was a bit shocking. Man, what did they do to you?”
Kame laughs and sits down on his bed. Ran stirs, but doesn’t bother moving. “It looked good though, right?” he asks teasingly. “Jacked off to it yet?”
“Hell no!” Jin cries out defensively. He’s such a bad liar.
“Hmm, really~” Kame teases him, just because he can and it’s a guilty pleasure to make Jin squirm and blush. He deserves it for leaving the band, for leaving him. Sometimes he wonders if Jin regrets breaking up with him all those years ago, but in the end he doesn’t really think so. He doesn’t. The relationship they had ate a good portion of their friendship away. It’s better like this, when they’re just acquaintances.
“Really,” Jin tries insisting. “You’re such an ass.”
“You like ass,” Kame throws back, feeling oddly content with himself. It’s funny how Jin’s presence always makes him feel smart and witty. “But hey. Everything good with you? I haven’t heard much of you, I’ve been really busy.”
“All’s cool,” Jin hums happily. Kame tilts his body a little and Ran jolts away, whimpers before she jumps down on the bed. Kame lies down and yawns, scratches an itchy spot on his thigh through his sweatpants. “You, on the other hand,” Jin continues mischievously, the kid he is, “I’ve heard that you have been exceptionally busy swooning men off their feet.”
“Have I?” Kame growls, tight-lipped. “Who claims so?”
“Nakamaru,” Jin answers honestly. Of course. “He thinks you’re being all lovey-dovey with that co-actor of yours. Kitamaru, was it?”
“Kitamura,” Kame corrects him. Then he thinks about the man and a wide smile spreads on his face. Ran curls up against his shin, yawns and goes back to sleep.
Jin whistles on the other side of the line. “Did you fuck him yet?” Jin pesters him, the eternal gossiper. Kame snorts.
“No,” he answers truthfully. “It’s not that… explicit.”
“Wussy,” Jin accuses him, displeased. “You’ve known him for months. Isn’t your drama almost over? You’re running out of time, Kame, if you like him then you’ve got to make it explicit. Ask him out. I’m not saying you have to sleep with him on the first date, just let him know you’d fancy that. When was the last time you got any?”
“Shut up, I’ve got a busy schedule. We were supposed to meet up for dinner but… our schedules haven’t matched.”
“Ooh, dinner~” Jin snickers happily. “Is it a date?”
Insistent. Kame sighs, starting to feel a bit down about it. He just… doesn’t know. It’s risky. Everything is risky nowadays.
“It’s not a date,” Jin reads into the silence with a long sigh. “Kame, seriously. Live a little. No need to be so stuck up.”
“I’m not stuck up,” Kame objects with a frown. “I’m just evaluating it. Is it worth the trouble, you know?”
“That attitude is what’s going to leave you forever alone,” Jin whistles languidly. “Everything is risky, every kind of relationship is likely to make your job difficult. But, you know, there’s no fun in being alone forever. Just try. You could use some loving.”
“Persistent,” Kame giggles. “I just like taking things a bit slower.”
“That’s what she said,” Jin purrs devilishly, obviously content with his lame joke. “Seriously, what is it with you and older guys…” Kame rolls his eyes. Sometimes it’s weird to think that he used to date such an idiot.
“I’m off now, I need some sleep,” Kame cuts him off with a snarl. “Enjoy taking things slow with your girlfriend.”
“You know I don’t have one!”
“Get one,” Kame murmurs. “Take your own advice sometimes, jerk.”
He cuts the call before the brat manages to spurt out any guilt-tripping comebacks. Then his mind goes back to Kitamura and he chuckles to himself giddily as he slips his hand down his pants.
--
“Cheers!”
The sound of the crystal glasses clinging is thrilling, Kame thinks, now that it’s already been a couple of weeks and filming has ended. They have finally managed to hold the youkai golf cup they had feverishly planned for months and now they are here, sitting cross-legged on Kame’s decorative pillows and drinking sake to finish the long day.
“It was so much fun, hanging out with you two again,” Anne laughs after she’s downed her glass. As the perfect host, Kame grabs the bottle and gives her a refill. “Not too much! I have to go to work tomorrow afternoon.”
“A little hangover won’t kill you,” Kitamura teases her and pats Kame’s back between his shoulder blades. “Look, this guy is drinking too. I bet you have a hectic schedule tomorrow again.”
“A bit, but it’s not that bad,” Kame laughs. “Nothing I can’t handle. It’s my free day, let me share a bottle with my friends.”
None of them really plans to go overboard, but in the end that’s kind of what happens in good company. After the first bottle there are a few more, and in the end Kame lets Anne take over the guest room. They’re giggly and wobbly and Kitamura assures him that it’s probably better to not even try to set the living room couch in sleeping condition.
In the drunken haze, it takes Kame awhile to understand what it means to sleep in the same bed with Kitamura. Their sides are rubbing against each other (at least he’s sober enough to realise that he can’t possibly sleep naked with the company) and Kame tries his hardest to pretend he’s asleep while he faces the other direction.
The desire to touch Kitamura is frightening. All he wants, really, is for the man to brush a palm against his side, maybe push his knee a bit between his legs or press chapped lips on his nape or shoulder. His heart is racing as he contains the urge to hint that he might want something, anything, because this is ridiculous and he can’t make decisions like this when he’s drunk. He can’t ruin all of this because he can’t think straight.
The world spins and he fights to keep his eyes closed. He’s a bit nauseous. This had better not turn out to be a disaster.
In the end, he falls asleep without hearing Kitamura’s breathing evening behind him.
--
When Kame wakes up in the morning, Kitamura is already awake. The older man watches him with a soft and relaxed expression and lets out a deep sigh, head resting against the pillow. Kame’s heart races although there’s no body contact between them.
He knows what he wants to do. In his hazy state, he leans over to close the distance.