fic: Standpoints (2/2)
Kame slips his clothes off and sits down on the bed. The mattress sinks under his weight and Jin’s looking up at him silently, already under the covers. Kame sighs and listens to the sound, heavy and full, as it penetrates the silence. Jin’s fingertips ghost lightly over his lower back, invitingly.
It’s been weeks, and surprisingly, Kame sleeps better now. He lies down and lets Jin help him cover his body with the thick blanket. The air is chilled, winter creeping through the walls to contaminate the room. Their knees brush against each other and Jin’s toes carefully caress his foot.
It’s much better when they aren’t talking, aren’t pissing each other off out of habit. Kame can’t remember when it started. A long time ago, he assumes, when Jin’s lips gently peck his with a wet sound. He nudges a bit, rests a hand on Jin’s side, just under his ribcage. Jin pulls him closer, sharing body heat.
His muscles are relaxed. It’s taken weeks, and his drama filming has already ended so it’s easier to fit their schedules together because it’s mostly just KAT-TUN related work now. Jin’s got some auditions to attend to and there are scripts lying here and there. Kame’s got the Gokusen movie approaching. Jin probably isn’t taking part, having another movie in his sight.
It’s funny how even Hayato seems to have abandoned Ryu. Kame breathes in Jin’s scent from his neck, wondering if it’ll be gone one day, too. Jin’s fingers thread through his hair and Kame presses a soft peck on his jaw, eager to be close. He’s in a better mood when he’s tired.
Jin rolls over him, hands cupping the back of his head as he kisses him. Not deeply at first, a bit too far and a bit too hesitant. Kame holds Jin close, his palms sliding up Jin’s toned back. There’s a shallower breath on his face, a warmer one, and Jin tilts his head, locks tickling Kame’s cheeks. His own heartbeat feels more insistent.
He wants to say something, but no. They’ve got an agreement, an agreement that has led them to this. Jin’s callused fingertips are all over his face, on his temples, cheekbones, eyebrows, and lips. His hands are everywhere and there’s a moist kiss on the crook of his nose, one that makes his eyelids slide closed.
A tilt of hips, experimenting. Kame parts his legs, lets Jin in-between. The next kiss is more heated, there’s more tongue, more passion, more choking sensations. Jin’s nipples are erect; they brush against his chest as they move together, heat building up. Kame can’t stop his hands from wandering.
It’s been a while. He whimpers and tries to see the look on Jin’s face, but the darkness hides it. They’re just silhouettes and the details are mapped with touches. There’s more tongue on his neck, a deeper sigh, and he arches underneath Jin, physically letting him know that it’s alright, he’s liking this. He really is.
Their bodies get tenser, but it’s not a bad thing. There’s desperate pulling, nibbling, touching, and quiet moaning as they roll on the bed, hands and lips where they know the other one likes it. Jin’s shivering in his arms and then he’s sitting on top of a very aroused Kame, hips sinking down, and Kame’s holding his hips, drowning in the sensation with his head thrown back.
He likes it like this, Jin knows he does. He’s impossibly hard and on the verge of crying from it when Jin moves, first clumsily but picking up his forgotten skill thrust after thrust. Kame’s hips are undulating, he’s trying to find the best angle that works for Jin, they’re cooperating and it’s all going so well. There’s a musky scent of sweat and the covers are coming off, Jin’s trying to lean down, Kame’s steadying him by the hips and devouring his shoulders with his mouth, desperate to get Jin where he needs to go. He can feel Jin’s fist moving between them, knuckles grazing his stomach.
Eventually there’s a rush of pleasure that makes him cry out and Jin collapses over him. There are more kisses, there’s more cuddling, and there’s a faint ring of Jin’s giggles against his lips and he realises that Jin’s smiling. The realisation tickles his own stomach and he smiles, hears Jin’s giggling getting louder as he hugs him close.
He’s relieved, he realises. He’s relieved that they’re feeling good, that it’s working and Jin’s so happy for such a simple thing. He’s laughing soon too, voice mixing with Jin’s, and finally they’re just rolling on the sheets, spent and hazy, laughter still erupting from somewhere deep within.
It takes Kame a longer while to realise that Jin’s lips are forming soundless words against his skin. There’s ‘I love you’ over and over again, hidden between nibs and kisses and the flick of his tongue, the flutter of his lashes. He takes it in, feels it on his skin, feels the radiating intimacy from Jin. It takes him a bit off guard.
He pretends he doesn’t notice. When he thinks about it, he can’t say the same. He’s not in love, that part is gone. It sickens him that the same doesn’t apply to Jin, that the man’s still helplessly head over heels for him. It sickens him that he isn’t. He feels guilty.
It’s good that the bed is a silent territory. He kisses Jin comfortingly on the lips and feels the man’s knee making its way between his legs. They’re close. Closer than they’ve probably been in months, both physically and mentally.
He really wants it to work out again. He wants it so much he shudders and sinks against Jin’s chest, holding onto him. If there’s any chance, then he’ll fight for it. Fight harder than he’s ever fought for anything. That, he thinks, should get them through this.
--
Kame googles tips himself. He wants to know everything, every tactic, silly or not. He compliments Jin, avoids raising his tone and makes sure the topics of their conversations don’t go to dangerous areas. Mostly they’re just tired, though, having noticed it’s easier than the attempts to make small talk that for some reason just doesn’t roll.
“We need to talk with each other,” Jin finally announces anxiously one day. His brow is furrowed and muscles tense as they sit around Kame’s dinner table, both nursing cups of steaming coffee, Kame flipping through work documents and Jin fiddling with his iPhone. “Talk to me.”
Kame raises his gaze, evaluating the situation. Jin’s Adam’s apple pops once, twice. He looks at Kame expectantly. He looks instinctive, though, somehow ready to flee. Kame doesn’t believe he’s that bad. He feels insulted as he raises the porcelain cup to his lips to buy more time. His displeasure is something he shouldn’t state right now, probably. It’s important to talk things out, but that’d just fuel another fight. There’s time for that later.
He wonders if relationships ever really become the same again, even with all the hard work. All of this might very well be pointless. They might fall apart, gruesomely mutilated by each other. He hopes it doesn’t go that way, though.
“I don’t know what to say,” he finally admits as he sets the cup down. Jin’s hopeful expression falls. It’s a sad sight. The important thing now is to just keep talking. Anything. “My mind goes blank. It’s difficult to find a safe topic.”
“Safe,” Jin tastes the word in his mouth with a tiny nod. “It’s complicated for you then, huh.” He’s right. But if it were easy for him, he’d be his usual self too, just babbling and babbling with no end in sight. Kame doesn’t point that out, though. He has a feeling Jin’s trying to address his feelings. The tip lists said something about that. Being open about them.
Kame pushes the work documents away. Jin’s gaze follows them, attracted by the motion. It easily happens when he’s nervous and Kame isn’t interesting, or when Kame’s somehow intimidating. “It’s complicated,” he confirms Jin’s assumption and presses his fingers against the coffee cup to warm them up a bit. “I don’t want to take steps back.”
“That’s alright, too,” Jin cuts in. His tone isn’t aggressive, though. Pace perhaps a little speedy, but Jin has a habit for that. He’s nodding. “There will be setbacks, you know. Finding the way around them is a challenge, but they’re alright.”
“You’re very insistent on fixing this,” Kame notes, trying to change the focus on Jin. He wants to be considerate, and the grilling is making him nervous. He’s not good when he’s nervous with Jin. “I’m a bit surprised, I must admit.”
“Surprised,” Jin repeats, a bit taken aback. “Why?”
Kame wonders if he’s said something wrong again. He licks his lip nervously and cocks his head in wonder, fingers drumming against the heated porcelain. Changing the topic is no good, though, so he better just talk. Keep talking, he prep-talks himself in his head. Just keep talking.
“I don’t know. I just thought you’d give up. Get angry and break up with me or throw a fuss about every single little thing. Urge me to get angry constantly, unable to cooperate. So I’m a bit surprised. You’ve changed during these last months,” he voices out his opinion hesitantly. Jin purses his lips, gaze averting. He’s counting the fruits in the bowl, Kame guesses. He wonders if it helps him to remain calm and still.
He’s not sure if he wants Jin to lash out. Sometimes it feels like they’re the biggest pretenders on earth, lulling each other in a fake sense of comfort. Making it work is complex to say at least.
“I love you,” Jin finally murmurs across the table. He looks melancholic as he reaches out for Kame’s hand. He looks afraid, maybe scared that Kame won’t take it. Kame grasps it sadly and lifts his gaze back to Jin’s eyes, which seem dim even if the morning sunshine paints his skin a lovely shade of gold. “I’ve got a lot to lose. Surely you understand that.”
“I’m not in love with you anymore.”
It’s a slip he can’t stop, can’t take back. Jin’s eyes widen as he takes in the hasty words. The hold of his fingers loosens and he searches Kame’s face for hints on what does he mean and what does he want. Kame’s mouth feels dry and his tongue thick as he opens his mouth again, trying to come up with something softening, but failing.
“Then what?” Jin finally breathes anxiously, lips quivering. “Do I have a chance? I… Kame, what am I to you?”
He looks broken. Miserable, beaten, and assaulted by his words. Kame sniffs and tightens his grip on Jin’s fingers. It probably had to be said eventually and now it’s out in the open. He’s got the upper hand, as sick as it is. Jin’s stakes have just skyrocketed.
“You’re my boyfriend,” he says. “And I was in love with you, once.”
“What the fuck, Kame,” Jin gasps, eyes glistening furiously. Not good. He’s pulling his hand, trying to withdraw it from Kame’s hold. Kame refuses to let go. This was his mistake. He’s got to take responsibility, to be here for Jin for the painful realisation. “The fuck.”
“Jin -”
The man yanks his hand away and gets up on his feet, walking out of the room with fast steps. Kame abandons his coffee to follow him. Jin slams the bedroom door closed but Kame follows him nonetheless, sees Jin at the verge of a furious breakdown. He knows that look.
“Breathe,” he commands shakily, not approaching him from the doorframe. He’s assaulted by curse words as Jin crashes to sit down on the bed, head buried in his hands, fingers pulling at the messy locks. He’s shaking furiously. “Do you need a moment?” Kame decides to ask. Jin laughs meanly.
“What does it look like, you asshole?” the man snaps at him. “So give me a moment, if you could at least do that then it’d be great.”
“…Alright,” Kame whispers gently. Jin’s far away, so far away as his body racks with silent sobs. “I’m not going anywhere, though. I’ll close the door and I’ll be right here,” he assures Jin with a certain voice. He doesn’t really want to leave him alone, but he understands Jin’s need for a moment for himself. “I’ll go now.”
“Just go.”
He sits down behind the closed door and bites the heels of his hand to keep himself from crying. His apartment looks empty and spacious all of sudden, with Jin locked inside his bedroom. He can hear the muffled but sharp sounds Jin makes through the door. His eyes sting.
They’re late for work the next day. Talking doesn’t work; they’re just silent for the rest of the morning. The closest they come to communicating with each other is the gentle hug Kame gives Jin when he finally opens the door an entire forever later.
They don’t sleep in the same apartments that day. The moment Jin needs extends.
--
It takes a while for Jin to gather himself. They don’t spend much time just the two of them - occasional cinema and restaurant trips here and there, a rarer night at one of their place’s, but nothing much, nothing enough. Summer comes and KAT-TUN’s concerts arrive along with it, forcing them to spend time together.
By chance, they never end up in the same hotel room. It doesn’t matter, though, because for some reason their conversation sparks up with the group members around them. It’s easier to talk when everyone’s taking part in the conversations and carrying it on. It’s a lot of fun and Kame ends up joking around with Jin too, taking part in a few pranks involving Nakamaru and high places, even if his conscience scolds him afterwards.
Summer, food, adrenaline, and heat turn into autumn. There are discussions about a solo tour for Jin, something Kame faintly recalls he’s been trying to make happen for a few years already. He’s got a movie role awaiting him as well and he’s strumming his guitar to compose songs. Collaboration with the director, he fills Kame in helpfully when he questions him about it. Kame, too, has a pile of scripts on his table, auditions approaching. He hopes he’ll score a role, even though there’s probably something seriously wrong with him because he even made Kimura Takuya’s drama ratings drop.
It takes Kame a month or so to realise that they’re talking. Mostly their topics revolve around work, but it’s fine because for some reason, there’s suddenly a lot to say about it. They have many different projects so it takes time to explain things to the other. Afternoons turn into evenings which turn into sex-filled nights.
When the temperatures drop close to freezing, Kame finds himself hanging out with Jin much more than usually. It’s like he’s rediscovering Jin, all his funky quirks, childish expressions, silly fears, and adventurous stories. They shop together more often than alone and, for some strange reason, the chatter never dies. Jin’s stories about his friends sound acceptable now too - he’s matured, Kame can tell. He wonders if he has as well. He kind of hopes so.
He wonders if this is what it was like before. It might’ve been.
--
Jin’s solo concerts means more time apart. They hang out much less because of the work pressure. Kame tries to be understanding. Jin’s got a strict deadline to come up with songs for an entire concert, and if he doesn’t want to be labelled a failure, he’s got to woo his audience with them too. He’s distant in KAT-TUN meetings, strumming his guitar in the break room and writing down notes and lyrics every so often. Kame doesn’t really dare to disturb his creative process.
What he notices is that he actually misses the man’s company. Days grow long, even with Dream Boys practice that eats up a lot of his schedule and free time. He’s constantly strained without an outlet, and sooner than he realises, the only person he really sees relatively often is Koki, who insists on hanging out even though he’s busy with his solo work as well.
They both agree it’s better if Kame doesn’t risk going to see Jin’s solo concert. Jin strums his guitar to Kame every now and then, singing him his favourite pieces to make up for his loss. Jin complains that it’s not the same, though, because his music isn’t really written to be acoustic and it lacks the party feeling he’d created in them. Kame doesn’t mind. He’s not all that into the current disco phase the music industry seems to be undergoing.
When the concerts end, Kame’s content. Jin’s a bit down but relieved, glowing thanks to all the positive feedback he’s gotten thanks to his efforts. Kame enjoys clinging to him and laughing at his stories about all the funny occurrences backstage, his screw ups with the dance choreographies and panic about lyrics learning.
“You’re clingy,” Jin notes one evening after a long time of leisurely making out on the bed, killing time before sleep gets to them. “Like, unusually clingy,” he teases, pressing a moist kiss on Kame’s throat, making him moan softly. “I like it.”
All the weeks of longing and solitude come back to Kame. He thinks about them when he leaves a trail of kisses down Jin’s forearm, rolling on top of him. Jin’s overgrown curls are visible in the dark, against the light colour of the bed-sheets. Kame rocks his hips and listens to the arousing sounds Jin makes as he takes in the sensations and closeness.
“I guess I just missed you,” he admits and kisses Jin’s lips deeply. “Probably,” he sighs when Jin’s fingers trace down his chest, nails scratching under his belly button. “Possibly...”
“I missed you too,” Jin breathes sharply against his lips, the white of his eyes glowing in the dark. Kame sinks his tongue back into the moist softness of his mouth, body tingling in arousal. Jin doesn’t get a chance to speak after that. Reunion sex, Kame decides, is one of his favourite things in the world.
--
Koki’s body is warm. It’s the first thought that registers in his brains, followed by comfortable and nice. His bleached hair has been swiped back with hair gel, roots peeking out darkly. His arms are muscled when they’re wrapped around him and his eyes are engaged in the silly smile painted on his face.
“You’re the best, you know,” Kame chuckles at him and pokes his shoulder playfully. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
“Yes, you are,” Koki singsongs, laughter never leaving his lips. “How else would you stay on the right track?”
“I wouldn’t,” Kame admits. “Thank you,” he decides to say more seriously, wanting to get his point across. Koki pinches his cheek like an older brother. Kame’s used to it, having come across a lot of pampering for being the youngest member of KAT-TUN. There was less of that after he grew independent and took a lot of responsibility for the group. Still, sometimes it sparks up. It’s quite nice, actually.
When he raises his gaze he sees a figure at the door to the living room. His heart almost stops and his body jerks as a reaction to the shock before the identity of the intruder registers in his brains. Koki shifts to see past him, curious by his sudden reaction.
“What’s going on?” Jin howls from the doorframe. His expression is harsh and he looks betrayed. Kame moves slowly, removes Koki’s hold from him and gets up on his feet to walk over. He doesn’t know why it feels like he would’ve been caught red-handed even though it’s nothing like that, not at all. Jin has a way of making him feel guilty over things he shouldn’t feel like that.
“I’m hanging out with Koki today,” he tells Jin calculatingly, unsure of his reaction and whether Jin really requires more elaboration on the situation. It’s ridiculous. Kame’s seen Yamapi and Jin grabbing each other’s crotches when drunk and he never complained, apart from a cold stare and some avoidance. “You didn’t tell me you were coming over. I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I wanted to surprise you,” Jin snaps at him, eyes wide from anger as he stares at Koki. “I guess I’m the one who got a surprise. Great. So this is what you do when I’m out of the picture? Fuck you, Kame. And fuck you, Koki..!”
“You’re overreacting, Akanishi,” Koki proclaims from the couch, raising his hands up as if to prove his innocence. “Calm down.”
Jin snaps. Kame sees it happen in his eyes, sees how they widen and become spiteful. His body freezes for a fleeting moment. “LIKE HELL I WILL!” Jin roars, saliva flying out of his raging mouth. “FOR HOW LONG HAVE YOU TRIED TO STEAL HIM, HUH? You’re sick, Koki, that’s what you are, you’re a motherfucking -”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, JIN!” Kame roars back when he comes to his senses. He grasps the collar of Jin’s shirt and yanks forcefully to attract his attention. “Do we need to talk about this? Because if we do, we’re leaving Koki out of it. Do you need a moment?”
“I need a moment,” Jin admits, his breathing shallow and agitated. Kame pats his shoulder and loosens his grip before turning Jin around and grimacing at Koki in apology.
“I’ll be right back,” he assures him before he leaves the room and follows Jin as the man walks out of the front door, running his fingers through his hair to calm himself down. He’s a pitiful sight.
Kame doesn’t say a word. It’s better if Jin gets to cool himself down a bit first. The man takes the stairs instead of the elevator and makes a lot of noise as he half jogs down them, Kame loyally keeping up with him. When they get out of the house and fresh air hits their faces, Jin draws in a shaky breath and stuffs his fists in the pockets of his hoodie, anxious beyond belief.
“You looked like you’re in love with him,” Jin finally accuses him with a bark. He’s withdrawn and embarrassed - he knows his reaction had been off and, thank god, he’s regretting it. Kame leans against the concrete wall next to him with a long sigh and looks at Jin sideways.
A lot of things have changed, he notices. Jin’s fidgeting and his head is lowered shamefully. He’s not very angry anymore, just sad and a bit scared. He probably has a right for those emotions. A lot goes on with Jin nowadays.
“I’m not, though,” Kame informs. There are people approaching from the distance and he doesn’t have anything to shield his identity with. Jin doesn’t either. He chooses to take a risk and not move. It’s something he wouldn’t have done months ago. It’s getting pretty cold outside, though.
“Is he? In love with you,” Jin asks him, looking up somewhere where the balconies start. Kame stares at his neck sadly and shrugs. That isn’t his problem, whatever the answer to Jin’s question is.
“He’s never said anything,” Kame answers vaguely. “He’s a good friend,” he continues and Jin meets his eyes, lips strained into a straight line. “He’s been that for years. You know that already. I don’t get upset with you doing god knows what with Yamapi and Ryo. So please be understanding.”
“Point taken…” It’s surreal how they’re talking it out so calmly. Kame smiles at Jin - the pedestrians are only a few tens of metres away from them and countless cars have already passed. It’s surprisingly quiet, actually. “I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you,” Kame nods with a serious expression. Jin nods again, a bit slow and lagging, but eager to communicate. “Koki’s still inside, though. I think you should apologize to him too,” he insists and waves his hand up towards the apartment. “You can join in if you want to. I promised I’d hang out today.”
“I don’t want to be in the way,” Jin shakes his head a bit. “And I don’t want to look like I don’t trust you. I trust you,” he decides and nods to support his own decision. There’s this look in his eyes, something determined as he turns back to Kame and opens his bag to dig for something. Kame raises his eyebrows in question.
“I bought these for you,” Jin says, pulling out a plastic shopping bag. Kame raises his eyes and peeks in - there’s a handful of beaded bracelets and a black skull ring at the bottom, all tangled together. Jin gulps nervously. Kame smiles at him. He can’t really remember the last time Jin bought him anything.
“Thank you. I’ll wear them,” he promises. Jin scratches his nose and looks up again, bringing him back to the situation. The pedestrians pass them by quietly, staring a bit. Kame has a feeling they’re going to pull their mobile phones out after ten metres or so. His palms are sweaty. “Come up and apologize to Koki?”
“Yeah,” Jin promises with an understanding nod. “I was an ass. I’ll apologize and go. We’ll meet up some other day, right?” he laughs a bit as he follows Kame back to the door. No phones - they avoided this one. Barely, but still.
The atmosphere is lighter when they go back up. Jin’s more collected now as he bows his head in apology. Koki waves him off, insisting he finds the whole apology embarrassing. Jin leaves with a smile after insisting for a small peck. When Kame crushes back to the couch with an exhausted smile, Koki grins at him.
“He’s possessive then?” the man teases him, Jelly on his lap. He directs one paw at him and makes silly noises. Jelly’s tail wags. “Akanishi Jin is under Kamenashi Kazuya’s charm! When will you make super-duper cute babies? I want to be the god father.”
“Shut up,” Kame flushes and punches Koki in the shoulder.
--
When Kame has the afternoon off, he goes shopping. He signs receipts after paying with his credit card and autographs for some people at the registers as he starts collecting an impressive amount of shopping bags. There are three pairs of new shoes, two of jeans, countless shirts, accessories, and a new pair of gloves. He considers himself quite successful as he stops for a brief sandwich before continuing. There’s a shirt for Koki and some nice accessories for a few of his favourite juniors.
When he’s in a jewellery shop, he examines a simple silvery chain and the darkly gleaming sphere attached to it. It feels sleek under his touch, with tiny bumps here and there, picturing land with silver. An image of Jin invades his mind, along with the man’s toothy grin and high-pitched giggling. He looks around inside the shop, jewellery and customers everywhere. No one pays any particular attention to him. He turns his gaze back.
He doesn’t really understand why he’s out of breath like this. He stumbles a bit as he turns around to fetch a salesman, pays for his purchase at the counter and leaves with a tiny little box carefully packed in his bag. It’s no big deal. It’s just a piece of jewellery. No big deal at all.
For some reason, still, it takes him days to gather the courage to slide the long jewel box to Jin’s direction. The mere thought of it renders him speechless and dries his mouth, and there’s nothing he can do about the sound of his pounding heart in his ears. Nothing at all.
Jin examines the pendant curiously and looks up at him, the chain tangled in his fingers. “A globe?” he questions curiously. He’s right, it’s no big deal at all - it’s not like it isn’t common knowledge for everyone that when he comes across something he thinks someone would like, he snatches it and delivers it to the person in question. This thing here isn’t anything special at all, either.
Why does the mere thought of its insignificance claw at him so nastily then?
“Yeah,” he hums, rubbing his sweaty hands together, elbows on the table. “I thought it suited you.”
“Thanks. It’s pretty cool,” Jin smirks at him and starts attaching the chain around his neck. Kame’s insides feel hollow as he watches, examines the way the sphere rests against Jin’s skin. “Is something wrong?” Jin finally asks with a hesitant voice and Kame realises, as he looks up, that he’s been staring. He’s so out of it today.
“I’m fine,” he insists and tries to throw Jin a smile. “Tired.” He isn’t, not really, not at all.
And finally, after a long moment, after Jin’s already busy with his breakfast bread again, “It’s because you’re the world, you know.”
Jin looks up, chipmunk-cheeked. He coughs a little and continues chewing, brows burrowed in question. Kame feels a bit desperate - he hasn’t sorted out the thoughts in his own head either, so it’s difficult to put the strange feelings into words. “My world,” he finally settles anxiously, stress making him fidget on his seat.
Jin swallows with a grimace, flushing the bread down with a long sip of coffee. The mix must be weirdly unappealing. “What?” he questions him, tone a bit snarky - he’s on the defence, but it doesn’t feel like he’s angry. “You make it sound like you’re in love with me or something.”
Bang, and there it is, the feeling. Kame draws in a shaky breath when he looks Jin straight in the eyes. “I am,” he manages to say out loud, searching Jin’s eyes for confirmation. Everything’s been so great lately again, comfortable, fun and electrifying. The mere thought of Jin makes his heart race. Impossibly so, right now, at least. “I think I am.”
A stupid smile tugs on Jin’s lips. He looks smug, delighted and taken by surprise. There’s a deep laughter, a bit husky, perhaps from all the cigarettes he’s smoked. Kame can only come up with a crooked one in answer, the realisation still settling in. Jin’s laughter intensifies.
“You look stupid,” he bullies with a pointed finger, the amusement reaching his eyes. “Totally not cool. You’re totally not cool.”
“Shut up!” Kame groans. He probably looks like Nobuta from that old drama, and then Jin is up on his feet, arms around him, and his feet don’t reach the ground. Once they do, there’s a kiss from Jin, there’s Jin’s hands cupping his face and nose pressing in the soft flesh of his cheeks, the feeling of his curved lips against his own.
“Took you long enough,” Jin whispers affectionately to him and then there’s another kiss, something arousing. Kame gasps, grasping onto Jin’s shoulders. “You’re slow, Kamenashi.”
“And you’re annoying,” Kame shoots back. They’re both still smiling and he feels light. It’s just bickering, lovingly so, not fighting with shattering glasses and smashed furniture. He starts laughing so hard it hurts, he laughs until there are tears in his eyes and he’s lying on the ground with Jin on top of him, kissing all his worries away.
Evidently, relationships can be fixed. This one, he never wants to leave unfixed.
--
We need to talk, Kazu.
If Jin has a better way of scaring him, well, he doesn’t know it yet. Kame despises vague text messages that foreshadow something really, really bad at a small distance. They set a time to meet in the evening, sometimes after work.
When Kame steps past the doorway to Jin’s apartment, he wishes he’d be anywhere but where he is.
“I was going to do something nice,” Jin says shadily. He looks upset, almost as if he’d be preparing himself for the final judgement. Kame doesn’t like the sense of doom creeping on him as he meets Jin’s eyes. There’s a crystal glass of scotch sitting on the table in front of him. Jin’s put it there, prepared for this.
Whatever this is about, it’s going to make him upset. That much is sure when Jin sits down on the armchair and sinks in, almost as if he believed that he could sink through it and disappear without delivering the news he’d been very insistent on sharing.
Kame decides it’s time to take a sip of the scotch. It burns his throat hotly as he puts the glass back and draws his knees against his chest comfortingly, embracing himself for the worst, whatever that might be. At least Jin’s made an attempt to be mature about this, inviting him over to talk things out. He’s being personal about this, but understands that it has an effect on him too.
“I got a job offer,” Jin finally mumbles. Kame nods, hesitant - he can’t remember Jin auditioning for anything after BANDAGE. He’s been busy with his solos. Maybe there’s a concert tour offer around Japan that overlaps with KAT-TUN’s. Kame doesn’t know how he would react to that. “It’s about the solos,” Jin gasps and Kame nods, having already concluded so.
“Extension?” he asks Jin to elaborate. He wishes the man would be clearer. Jin’s always had a bit of a habit with stalling when it comes to talking about difficult things. There’s a nod - he’d been right. He sighs. “You want to take the offer.”
It’s not a question, not really. Still, Jin answers. “I want to. I said I’d think about it,” he sniffs anxiously. Kame understands the weight of the decision on his shoulders. If Jin turns down the offer, it’ll be unlikely for anything alike to ever resurface. If he takes it, though, there will be a lot of criticism from fans, press, and a possibly not-so-understanding forthcoming reaction from other members of KAT-TUN. “It’s… a big thing.”
“I know KAT-TUN doesn’t feel like a big thing to you after so many years of doing it,” Kame decides to point out. His chest feels tight. The alcohol burns warmly in his stomach. He kind of wants more, but he’s not sure if it’s a smart move right now so he refrains from reaching out for the glass. “What we’re doing is still big, though. It’s hard to say anything at this point, without the album or anything, but I think it’ll be big once again. So please consider it. There’s always next year, but…”
“That’s the catch,” Jin croaks, finally looking like his face would be crumbling away. “If I take the offer, there won’t be next year. It’s solo or KAT-TUN. I got an offer to go tour America. It’s a big thing, I’ll be able to perform my own music, compose more songs and…”
Jin falls silent. He’s looking at Kame. Kame wonders what he’s expecting from him. Lashing out or silently walking away - both have probably made it on Jin’s list of expected reactions. It takes everything Kame has to sit still, letting the information sink in.
It’s a big thing, he understands it. Still, when he thinks about KAT-TUN without its A… he just doesn’t see it. His mouth feels dry and he’s unable to speak.
“America,” he repeats, voice hoarse. Jin’s face falls entirely. He’d probably been waiting for him to say it, to tell him he can’t believe his ears. America’s still sometimes a bit of a threateningly stoic subject between them.
“Kazu, just sleep on it, won’t you?” Jin begs him, his words slurring together incoherently. “I know it’s a lot to digest and we need to talk this out, you and me. It’s really, really big so please, let’s sleep on it and -”
Kame sighs and massages his temples. Sometimes, he thinks, Jin is a health hazard. Especially when he fuels his migraines. He better not get one now. “I don’t need to sleep on it,” he insists and draws in a breath. Jin’s shaking his head desperately. Idiot. “It’s alright. This is about you.”
“Don’t say it like that!” Jin shouts at him, decibels rising. “Kazu, I said I want to discuss this with you -”
“I’m not mad,” Kame notes. Jin looks speechless, his eyes widening instinctively. The expression makes Kame soften against his will. They aren’t stupid, self-centred adolescents anymore, Jin and him. They know what this work is like, and they know what work is like at Johnny’s Entertainment, too. “I support you,” he decides with a nod, never turning his gaze away from Jin’s panicky eyes. “But on one condition.”
“Why does everyone have conditions?” Jin howls miserably, throwing his head back. He’s looking at the ceiling now breathlessly, unable to look indifferent to Kame’s continuation. He looks like he’ll flinch. Kame sighs and gets up on his feet, moves over and sits on Jin’s lap, forcing him to give his attention to him. Jin looks dumbfounded.
“Work hard,” he finally settles with. He nods, holds Jin’s stare as his words sink in, so very slowly. “You can go. I won’t be mad. But you’ve got to work hard and make me proud if you go,” he tells Jin softly and rests his side against Jin’s chest, elbow on the couch’s back, fingers sinking in his hair. “You can’t forget about Japan either.”
“You’ll stay with me?” Jin asks him, eyebrows knitted together anxiously. Kame nods. Jin’s skin looks clammy and pale from the close proximity. “I’ll be there for months. Right now we’re only talking about one tour, but if it goes well, some of my activities might be moved there. The time difference is over twelve hours.”
It’s painful already. It’s ridiculous now that he thinks about it - how easy would all of this have been had they broken up a year ago. Many things have changed now, though, and he thinks he’s grown too. He buries his face in Jin’s neck and stays relaxed.
“I’ll stay with you,” he promises. “If you’re willing to stay committed, I’ll stay with you.”
“Thank you,” Jin whispers to him, his voice raspy and grateful. His arms snake around Kame to hug him close. “I’ll miss you so much,” he wails, making a low chuckle erupt from Kame. It should be his line.
“You’ll be so busy you’ll barely have time to think about me,” Kame assures him quietly. “It’ll be over sooner than you notice.”
He, too, will be busy. He hopes Jin’s graduation from KAT-TUN won’t mess up any schedules, won’t leave him jobless in the end. It’s a big risk, he knows. Jin’s harmonic voice might be one of the reasons for their outstanding success. They’ve still got their other talents, though - Nakamaru’s melodic voice, Ueda’s enchanting smile, Koki’s supportiveness, Junno’s stupid jokes, and Kame’s fanservice. They’ll be alright. They’ve had years to prepare for this. Last time didn’t kill them either.
“Don’t worry about us,” Kame whispers against Jin’s lips. “We’ll be alright. You can’t pursue your talents to their full extent with us. So I forgive you,” he promises with a soft peck. “Make it big, big boy.”
“I will,” Jin promises, sorrowful eyes glimmering as his lips tug into a small smile. “I’ll make them dance. That’s a promise.”
Surprisingly, the statement is so Jin-like it’s all Kame needs to know he’s making the right decision.
--
The car is parked. People walk past the vehicle with their wheeled suitcases and plump duffel bags, alone or in groups. Jin sits next to him, unmoving, eyes hidden by his aviators. He’s got a dark blue hood pulled over his head, shielding him from recognition. Kame hasn’t bothered with more than sunglasses. He’s not going with Jin, after all.
“Here we are…” Jin finally says, deliberately. Kame nods. He’s gone through this moment of separation in his head gazillion times. He was supposed to laugh, cheer Jin on, hug him goodbye and send him off with the most vibrant laughter he was able to grant. He was supposed to lace him with soft power.
“It’s just a few months,” is what he eventually says, unable to follow his plan through. Jin scratches his nose - a nervous gesture, Kame’s picked up on it. “Really,” he presses, gathering his courage.
He can’t send Jin off with a crushed look on his face. He’s better than that, and Jin needs more than that to give it his all. He reaches out for the man’s hand and holds it firmly, keeping his gaze fixed where he thinks Jin’s eyes are hiding behind the aviators. Stupid mirror-like things.
“I’ll work hard,” Jin promises, his voice strained. Kame rubs soft circles in his hand with his thumb, and nods. “I’ll make you proud, I promise.” There’s a pinky promise that tugs on Kame’s lips and nearly sends him to tears. His eyes are a bit glossy when Jin leans forward to pull him in a hug. Kame squeezes back as hard as he can.
“Good luck,” he whispers in Jin’s ear. “Do your best.”
“You too,” Jin echoes back to him and presses a kiss on Kame’s lips. “I’ve got to go. Check-in.”
“Yes,” Kame gasps and withdraws - it’s hard to part ways. He watches Jin get up on his feet, open the door and - he’s gone. He picks up his suitcase from the trunk and waves his goodbye. Kame rolls the window down desperately and leans out of it, attracting Jin’s attention and freezing him where he stands.
Yes, Kame has a habit of finding himself embedded in frozen moments. Not all of them, though, are bad and laced with destruction. Some make his heart race in a whole different way. There’s no wind, nothing to make Jin look more dramatic than what he is, dark curls peeking from under the hood. Kame doesn’t have to see his eyes to imagine the wounded look. He never has to.
“I’ll wait for you!” he shouts after Jin and flashes him a peace-sign with his fingers. “So don’t disappoint me!”
Jin startles a bit, mouth falling open a little. Kame laughs, finds it in himself to laugh and wave brightly as he sends his boyfriend off. “Skype me!” he orders teasingly. His heart is racing, desperate, as he memorises Jin, looks back to everything.
Jin smiles as he waves back at him, dorky and childish. Kame laughs louder, makes sure it’s audible for Jin, makes sure his feelings are coming across. Jin seems to chuckle too, although Kame can’t hear it. He turns around, flashing an I’ll-call-you hand sign to him as he steadily walks away.
Kame returns the gesture with a smile and draws in a deep breath. Jin’s back is receding, but he’s not going anywhere far, not really. Not as long as Kame still has his heart.
He laughs lightly as he leans against the backrest of the car’s seat and lets his eyelids slide shut. Everything will be alright. Just like always.