fic: A Sentimental Mind (4/4)
Getting out of his troubles turns out to be much more difficult than he’d originally thought it would be. Ryu had counted on the advantage his age gives him to keep his father at bay, but his father refuses to accept his attempt to cut the family ties and become independent. It would probably be alright, Ryu assumes, had he shown at least some remote interest for the opposite sex and talked things out with his parents before moving out.
His first reaction is to hide. When his father tries to pester his friends about his whereabouts, he moves around between them, never staying in one apartment for too many days straight. His friends constantly lie to his father in order to protect him. He doesn’t dare to go to university anymore in fear of being discovered and forced home against his will. His friends’ apartments turn into cages and all the hope he might have withheld before this whole cat and mouse game began drains away.
In the end, Ryu acknowledges the fact that he can’t avoid his father forever. His friends aren’t entirely supportive of his choice, but they accept it, grudgingly grinding their teeth together and grimacing as he calls his father. He decides to offer to have a cup of tea with just the two of them at Tsucchi’s apartment.
“I’m not going to force you back home,” his father tells him after an impending silence. Ryu isn’t sure what to think of it - he can’t remember having privileges unless his father thought he deserved them before. This, he thinks, cannot possibly be included into that category. “You’re right, Ryu, you’re an adult now and you should make your own choices. However, I would like you to do the right thing.”
For him, the right thing is to stay here where he is and sort out his own messed up head by himself. He takes a long swig of his herbal tea gracefully and wonders how to interpret his father’s words.
“I would like to stay,” he decides to say. It should be obvious by now that this is what he wants, but this conversation they’re having sounds more like a negotiation. It’s like he’s a child - ‘Daddy, I want this’. Depression starts prickling in his limbs.
“You’re a part of the Odagiri family, Ryu,” his father reminds him calmly. “It’s essential that you finish your education and live a respectable life. I’d hate you to be the person who tarnishes the name generations of fathers and sons have lived up to.”
“If you can’t accept me, exile me,” Ryu insists desperately. If his family name is what makes him void and tainted like this, he doesn’t want it. “I’m doing my best. If you can’t accept that, then I don’t know what to do.”
“Come home, Ryu,” his father requests. “Take your bags and make your mother happy. She’s concerned about you, her own flesh and blood just running away like that without a note or explanation… It’s very stressful to her.”
Ryu tries his best to keep the bitter grin from forming on his face. If he’s caused even a tenth of the stress his father has on her, he’d be incredibly surprised. It’s funny how his father can just be excused for all the things he’s done wrong, yet Ryu can’t even dream of winning his acceptance after the slightest mistakes he makes.
“So what are you planning to do, Ryu? Live with these friends of yours?” his father questions him. He sounds strict and harsh, and there’s something in his expression that signals a warning to Ryu. “They’ve committed criminal acts, Ryu. I’ve covered up things for them while trying to keep you safe, but the records still exist. They might resurface any time.”
“Are you threatening them?” Ryu laughs hollowly. He can’t believe it, can’t believe his father is pulling these strings. It’s low and cruel, but his father is desperate enough to use his job as a way of putting Ryu back into his place. “They haven’t done anything wrong in years, father.”
“Some of the old things can still be used to prosecute them,” his father reminds him curtly. He raises his cup calmly and takes a small sip, just for appearance’s sake. “You know I’ll protect you, Ryu, but there’s only so much I can do.”
“Leave,” Ryu snaps at him furiously and gets up on his feet. His father raises his eyebrows. He looks like he’s won already. “Just leave. Leave my friends out of this.”
“I won’t do any harm to them,” his father assures him as he gets up on his feet. “I just want you to be prepared in case something awful happens. I’ll protect them as long as they don’t house you like this,” he sighs deeply. “If you want to be independent, Ryu, be independent. This isn’t the way to do it. You either come back home or you acknowledge the possible consequences for your actions. I’ll hold your friends responsible for your turmoil if they hide you like this.”
“LEAVE,” Ryu bellows furiously and feels panic overwhelming him. “Just LEAVE!”
“I’ll give you a few days to swallow your unnecessary pride,” his father tells him curtly as he heads to the foyer. “All I’m asking from you is to come home. We can talk about the rest later.”
After his father is gone, Ryu packs his belongings and flees without alerting any of his friends. There’s only one more place where he can go anymore, one person who’s out of his father’s reach, safe in another continent.
He turns his phone off and takes the first bus to the airport. It feels like the final battle that defines the rest of his life and, sadly, he feels like he has lost before it has even really started.
--
Los Angeles is scary. It’s loud, rowdy, and relaxed compared to the strict politeness of Japan he’s used to. People look different with their tanned and burned skin, the sudden mosaic of different ethnicities opening wide before his eyes. Ryu clutches his suitcase anxiously as he walks out to the cash exchange. The woman behind the desk tries to talk something with him with a white-toothed mouth and chirpy voice, but he doesn’t understand a word of it. She gets the message soon and takes his yens from the counter before coming back with an equivalent of dollars and probably wishes him off as her gaze turns to the next customer she greets. Ryu stumbles away, feeling stupid and lost. It’s clear that he doesn’t belong here.
What had he been thinking about again, fleeing here without a second thought?
He sits down on a bench outside the airport. There’s a long line waiting for taxis, there’s some kind of an argument around the middle of it between a dark-skinned man and a red-headed family of four, but Ryu ignores it as he skims down his contacts list and stops at Hayato’s name.
He hasn’t called him even once after his departure. Having to meet again like this makes him feel guilty, but he doesn’t know what else he can do anymore. He sucks in a shaky breath and dials, waits anxiously on his seat as the California sun assaults him.
“Ryu?” Hayato’s voice soon moans from the other end of the line. He sounds disbelieving, like someone would be prank calling him. All the way from Japan… Ryu scoffs at the idea in his mind but doesn’t let out a sound. No way in hell would any of them have the spare money for that.
“Can you pick me up from the airport?” Ryu asks him anxiously, feeling like his chest was about to explode any second. It’s scary asking for such a favour, utterly ridiculous after all the months of silence. He presses his lips together and tightens his hold on his suitcase. Hayato is silent for a while, trying to digest his words.
Ryu wonders if he’ll refuse. He doesn’t know what to do if he does.
“I’m… I’m not in Los Angeles right now…” Hayato finally admits with a hesitant voice that makes Ryu freeze. He’s such an idiot. He looks around helplessly, panic starting to creep in. “Ryu?” Hayato tries and Ryu hums something nervous to the phone. “Are you in Los Angeles?”
“Yes,” he admits - and he’s screwed without a place to stay, too. Damn it.
“I, uh, don’t know when I can get back… I’m on a road trip with some guys… We’re quite far away.”
“Uh huh.”
“You’re alone?”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck,” Hayato curses crankily. All Ryu can do is create problems for others, it seems. It makes his stomach churn uneasily. He mocks himself for his entire existence, because seriously, what good has he ever done? Hayato is quiet, trying to think of something somewhere far away wherever he is, unreachable to Ryu.
He had missed him so much. Now the emotions flood back painfully and he feels his lips tugging downwards. He doesn’t know what to hold onto anymore. All of his safety ropes seem to give in when he grasps them.
“I’m sorry,” he sighs into the phone as he lets his body slump against the backrest of the bench. His head is spinning. Hayato groans from the other end of the line, clearly unhappy with him, just like everyone else. He can’t do anything right, can he?
“Look, I’ll text you my address,” Hayato mumbles quickly as Ryu listens silently. “Take a taxi and show them the address. They’ll probably rip you off since you’re a tourist and all…” he sighs and Ryu grimaces, knowing he’ll have no way around the misfortune. “I’ll call my roommate to let you in. I’ll try to get back as soon as I can, catch some plane or something.”
“I’m sorry,” Ryu repeats, unable to resist the overwhelming need to apologize. He’s ruined a perfectly good vacation for Hayato. “Really. I should’ve called you first. I just panicked.”
“My roommate will take care of you,” Hayato insists. “He doesn’t speak Japanese almost at all, though… But I’m sure you’ll get along.” Ryu, in all his nervousness, isn’t quite as sure. “I’ll text you, okay? See you when I get back. I’ll text you when I know I’m coming.”
“Yes,” Ryu agrees and then the call gets cut. He stares at the screen of his phone anxiously, wondering how he got himself into this deep mess.
He raises his gaze and grimaces at the long taxi line before he gives in and makes his way over. He stops behind a young couple holding hands and chattering with bright, shiny smiles on their faces. His phone buzzes - the address. Ryu reads over the nonsense and realises he can’t pronounce it at all, but he should probably be fine if he shows the text to the driver. At least he hopes so.
It takes him over an hour to get to the front of the line and grab his own taxi. His driver is a stinking, sweaty, and slightly overweight man who chews nicotine gum and throws his suitcase in the trunk for him. He doesn’t stop talking even after he finally realises that Ryu can’t make any sense out of his speech, which is painfully nerving. The radio is on as they drive, blasting some Indian music the driver sings along to every now and then, quite badly too. Ryu stares awkwardly out of the window, trying to appear calm and collected while his heart painfully pounds in his chest like it was trying to break through his ribcage.
Expectedly, when they make it to Ryu’s destination, he gets ripped off. He keeps handing over American bills to the man’s sweaty palm and the man hums contently to himself. He looks greedy and after Ryu’s almost out of bills, he tries to object something in Japanese but it only results in him getting bellowed at by the taxi driver. He doesn’t understand a word and panics, feeling threatened, and keeps giving him his bills until he’s almost out of them and the man happily waves his hand and hops back inside the car, waving him goodbye and driving away. Ryu curses to himself helplessly as he grabs his suitcase from the ground and walks over to the door. He has to check Hayato’s apartment’s number from the text message before he presses the doorbell button at the front door to the block building, feeling nervous.
“Ryu?” someone’s voice asks him with a foreign accent from the speaker. Ryu startles a bit and tries to go through his limited English vocabulary for an appropriate answer.
“Yesu?” he tries roughly but it doesn’t sound right at all so he gulps and just repeats his name. There’s a buzz and Ryu tries the front door which opens. He mutters a brief “Sankyuu,” before slipping in and taking the stairs because he has no idea what floor Hayato’s apartment is in.
A tall, scrawny, and freckled boy waits for him at the third floor and motions for him to come in - Hayato’s roommate, Kevin, Ryu assumes - so he follows and lets the man take his suitcase. They shake hands and Kevin awkwardly shows him around a bit and leaves his bag to a room which Ryu assumes is Hayato’s. After that, Kevin tries to explain something to him but he doesn’t understand at all so he just stares at him stupidly. Kevin groans and goes to fetch paper and a marker, and then he starts drawing something that looks like a calendar with numbered boxes. He draws two stick figures in the first box and labels them ‘Kevin’ and ‘Riy’ (Ryu doesn’t dare to correct the boy’s mistake) and then only one stick figure to the next one, labelled as ‘Riy’ again. The next box has two stick figures; this time ‘Hayato’ joining ‘Riy’ and Ryu finally understands and nods. “OK?” Kevin asks him and Ryu nods - he’ll be alone here for a day then. Kevin smiles and pats his shoulder before walking off. Ryu isn’t sure if he’s expected to follow or not, so he stays behind, sitting on Hayato’s mattress absently.
He’s exhausted. It’s probably somewhere around midday here in Los Angeles. The heat is awful even indoors and there’s a loud ruckus coming from the traffic, audible even with the closed windows. Jetlag gets to him and he falls asleep within minutes, too exhausted to even fetch anything to drink or eat after the long flight with only a tiny bag of miserable peanuts. When he wakes up, it’s the middle of the night, and Hayato’s roommate is already gone, having left only a post-it note with an eating stick figure labelled ‘Riy’ again on the fridge door.
--
Ryu’s awake and pacing around in the tiny apartment when he hears the key turn in the lock. The door opens with a creak and he wonders if he should walk over to greet Hayato, if he should welcome him home or something. In the end, he doesn’t. He has no idea where they stand, and truth be told, he’s afraid of getting rejected.
He’s not here to pursue a hopeless love affair. He just really needs somewhere safe to stay for a while, and Hayato is the only option he has so that his father can’t get his hands on him. Right now he needs a friend, someone who’ll sigh and hand him a beer as they sit silently on the couch and pretend that nothing wrong is going on at all, that everything is just fine and normal.
“Ryu?” Hayato’s voice calls out for him from the foyer. Ryu hears shuffling and the clanging of coat rack before Hayato’s steps approach the living room area where Ryu stands still, reminding himself to breathe.
Hayato’s unruly hair is dyed mid-brown. It looks a bit silly and adult on him, especially with the ponytail he has now. The man leaves his duffel bag lying in the middle of the corridor and walks over to him. For some reason, Ryu can’t come up with a greeting.
“Your first time here, huh?” Hayato laughs a bit nervously. His Japanese is a bit accented, Ryu notices, and there’s something in his aura that feels foreign and wrong, like he wouldn’t be the same person that walked away all those months ago. “Welcome.” Hayato ruffles his hair, which is still ebony black but a bit longer now. He hasn’t cut it since he fled from his father’s influence. Longer hair, somehow, makes him feel more like himself.
“Hi,” he finally mumbles and relaxes a little. Hayato smiles at him wonkily and then he’s pulled into a tight embrace. His arms rest awkwardly against his sides as Hayato squeezes him and withdraws, looking nervous and shaky. Ryu’s own heart skips a beat, even if he tells it not to. He can’t screw up his situation any worse.
“Stop looking at me like that,” Hayato barks at him, his voice shaky. Ryu gives him an unsure, crooked smile and then Hayato is beaming again. He looks honestly delighted about their reunion. Maybe Ryu should stop being so fucking unsure about himself. All the years of their friendship haven’t been able to crumble away just like that, even after the too-long silence.
“You want a beer?” Hayato asks him and motions towards a plastic bag with some kind of a huge logo on it. “I stopped by at a store on my way here. Thought we could make use of some,” he babbles on as he turns around on his heels and slouches back towards his belongings. Ryu fidgets where he stands before strutting after his friend. Hayato rummages through the plastic bag for a while before he straightens up with two cans and shoves one of them in Ryu’s hand.
He’s missed Hayato so much that his mere presence makes his face tingle hotly. He bows his head and opens his can, trying to recompose himself. Sometimes he wonders if he’ll ever grow out of the unsure awkwardness he possesses.
“I heard from the others,” Hayato finally confesses and Ryu licks a droplet of the tasty liquid from his lips. Hayato draws in a long, deliberate breath before he slouches past Ryu and crashes on the couch, wiping his mouth before taking another long gulp. Ryu doesn’t follow him. “This bad trouble, huh…”
“Mm,” Ryu hums in answer and takes a small sip from his can. “I couldn’t be what they want me to be,” he elaborates and Hayato purses his lips, avoiding eye contact.
It’s silent.
Finally, Hayato throws his head back and looks at him lazily. “So you came here,” he points out the obvious. “What now? What are you going to do? You’ve got no money, no job, your university is in Japan… you’re screwed, aren’t you?”
He’s right, and Ryu knows that. He knows he’s being an idiot, but he just can’t come up with any solution. Sometimes he thinks killing himself would be easier, but it’s not like he wants to die. Quite the opposite, actually - he wants to live. He wants to live his life. He just… can’t somehow make it happen.
“I don’t know what to do,” he admits darkly. He doesn’t know what he was thinking when he fled here - that somehow everything would be alright with Hayato and the other man would have all the answers and solutions to his problems, perhaps? No, not really. Maybe, for once, he just didn’t think. He feels ridiculed and like he should just go if Hayato is going to be cold and nasty to him.
“Why are you here?” Hayato continues his outburst. He slams his beer can on the table and doesn’t mind the liquid that defies gravity and stains the tiny table. “America, Ryu? Really? You don’t even speak English.” Not like Hayato would’ve when he first accepted the apprenticeship. Ryu doesn’t point that out, though.
Ryu chuckles, mocking himself in his head. He’s such an idiot. “I’ll be going then,” he announces and bows down to put the nearly full beer can on the floor. Hayato’s eyes are wide and anxious as he peers at him, his lips tightly pressed together. He’s right, it was stupid to come here. He doesn’t understand why Hayato had to come all the way here from his trip to tell it to his face when they could’ve just had this conversation over the phone.
He gives the man one last glare before he lets his feet carry him to the bedroom where he folds his pyjamas from Hayato’s bed to his suitcase and closes it angrily. His hands are trembling and he feels pathetic beyond belief. He doesn’t know what now. He has no idea what now. Back to Japan, he assumes. Los Angeles was a dead end. All of his tries have turned out futile. Maybe he just has to bow down and endure, or do something desperate he really doesn’t want to.
“You’re such an idiot,” Hayato barks at him from the doorframe. Ryu straightens up with his suitcase and glares at him. They’re not friends anymore, clearly. He really was abandoned all those years ago. He’s such a nuisance to someone who’s a nuisance too.
He chuckles at his thought and approaches Hayato - he has to pass him to make his way to the foyer and out. Hayato shoves him backwards, though, and he snorts angrily. “What?” he hisses and then Hayato attacks him and they’re struggling, Hayato forcing him backwards and him trying to break free and punch Hayato because he’s being ridiculous and then there’s the edge of Hayato’s mattress and he trips with a startled cry, pulling Hayato down with him.
He tastes blood in his mouth as Hayato pins him down with his body. Both of their breaths come out ragged and fast, and Hayato’s eyes look dark and pained in an unexplainable way. “Let me -” he tries to object, but a pair of lips over his cuts him off and then they’re kissing, wild and desperate and teary. Hayato is nearly sobbing in his mouth and Ryu is afraid he’ll disappear completely if this won’t stop - or if this does stop. He doesn’t even know anymore.
“I didn’t come here for this,” he tells Hayato with a low voice as he feels the man’s arousal through their clothing. “I’m not here for this. I just needed to get away,” he assures someone, not knowing if it’s him or Hayato who’s being his target. Hayato hushes him crankily and dips his head into another kiss Ryu can’t help but answer. He can’t help but quiver helplessly as Hayato’s hands slip under his shirt and search for all the sensitive spots that turn him on.
He gives in and lets Hayato overpower him. For the first time in his miserable life, he gives in to the temptation of sex and goes all the way.
--
Kevin doesn’t return for a few days. Family stuff, Hayato explains briefly with a dismissive wave of his hand, and Ryu nods. He doesn’t really mind the American boy’s absence - he’s good here with just the two of them. A very peculiar kind of domesticity starts blooming around them, which is confusing but feels calming after all the hectic drama he’s had back in Japan. Here, with Hayato, he finds himself building something he never really dared to even consider building before. It’s going so smoothly it’s frightening.
“Good?” Hayato hums as he stirs the homemade sauce in the pan with a plastic spoon.
“Mm,” Ryu agrees - his cooking abilities are strictly limited, because his father never really wanted him to spend time in the kitchen, cooking. Hayato smirks and steals a playful kiss from him. Ryu thinks Hayato might really deserve that one.
They don’t really talk about the thing between them. Somehow, oddly, there’s no need. It’s not like Ryu would know where they stand. In fact, he doesn’t. He just doesn’t mind, because something about the way Hayato looks at him and touches him convinces him that there might actually really be something here if they just let it in without disturbance.
“Ryu,” Hayato asks him when they’re lazing around on the couch after a long day. Hayato’s friends had come back from their road trip and insistently pushed inside the tiny apartment to see Ryu, for one reason or another. Ryu doesn’t think their visit went that badly, but then again, he had absolutely no idea what the conversations had been about at all when Hayato wasn’t translating them. Truth be told, he’s kind of a crappy translator too. “What are you doing?”
“Hmm?” Ryu hums in confusion. He doesn’t really like the serious and depressed expression on Hayato’s face, or the fact that he’s looking over Ryu’s head. Hayato snorts, and rolls his eyes before he starts playing with the sleeve of Ryu’s shirt.
“You can’t stay here forever. You know that, you’re not stupid,” he mumbles through his gritted teeth and squirms under Ryu’s weight. “Soon you’ll have to go back to Japan to your university. I was just wondering what you will do then.”
There’s a universe inside Ryu which is floating around in a dizzying way. He’s lost somewhere far away in space as he closes his eyes and dwells into the circling sensations. Hayato is right, and maybe he’s known it all along. He just hasn’t wanted to talk about it. Neither of them has.
“Is this just some phase?” Hayato groans in frustration, his eyes narrowed and voice hoarse. “This whole men thing… Is it just some last chance you’re pursuing before you go home and bow down to your family? I need to know that.”
“I don’t know, Hayato,” Ryu scoffs with a chilly tone and turns around to lie on his back in order to avoid seeing the attentive and pained expressions on Hayato’s face.
“Well, start knowing! Make some plans!” Hayato howls. “I’ll help you. If you want me to.”
He sounds so sincere it’s surreal. Hayato’s fingers entwine with his and his breath tickles Ryu’s neck. Ryu knows he doesn’t want to give this up. He chuckles exhaustedly and stares at the ceiling, wondering where he’ll be in five years.
“It’s not a phase,” he admits hollowly. “I don’t want to give up. I just don’t know what to do.”
“You’ll go to Japan,” Hayato tells him with a sure voice and Ryu wonders when he grew up like that. When did the reckless teenaged boy turn into this adult with plans, rational thinking and important life knowledge? “Then you’ll have to get a part-time job. Yankumi will help if your father tries to stop you. You’ll get a job and you’ll go to university again to get your degree.”
“It won’t work,” Ryu sighs. “I can’t risk Take, Hyuuga, and Tsucchi. There’s no way I can. If I’m going back to Japan, I’ll have to go home.”
The silence is pained and discouraging. Ryu doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t like knowing it’s what’s ahead of him, sooner than he wants to, too. He closes his eyes and draws in a deep breath. With Hayato close like this, he feels strength he hasn’t really had before. The unsaid promises hang in the air as good luck charms that Ryu wants to grasp and hold onto and never let go of.
“What about you?”
There’s a pause. Hayato’s thumb brushes his hand gently and somehow Ryu knows already.
“I’ll finish my apprenticeship here,” Hayato tells him quietly. “After that, I’ll come back to Japan. We’ll see what then. If you’re…” His voice dies and Ryu bites his lip anxiously. He feels kind of like he would be choking - this is something new, this intense feeling. It’s a bit like a catharsis for his long, miserable life.
Hayato lets go of his hand and wraps his arms around Ryu’s body. His quivering lips press against Ryu’s neck and Ryu draws in a deep breath to keep himself calm and composed. He doesn’t want them to be too sentimental. He’s not too good with that.
“So… tell me,” Hayato’s tiny voice trembles from behind him. “Is it alright to expect you to wait for me?”
Ryu snorts and rolls his eyes. He should’ve known Hayato would be mushy and overly emotional like this. There’s no way around it, after all.
“I love you,” Hayato blusters through his pursed lips. “Always have. So let me know what I need to do. Stop making me say all this stuff, god,” he groans angrily and removes his hands to bury his face in them. “You’re so annoying! You make me feel ridiculous!”
“You’re the one who’s ridiculing yourself…” Ryu mumbles, because really, he’s not some psychic making Hayato blabber about some silly depth of his heart. Hayato whacks the back of his head prissily. It doesn’t really hurt. “Don’t hit me or I’ll reject you.”
“You’re heartless, Ryu,” Hayato wails and keeps poking his lower back, making Ryu flinch a few times before he regains control. “You’re cold and cruel! Ice queen! It is totally not fair!”
Ryu can’t help it - he snorts.
“Don’t start demeaning me before I’ve even rejected you,” he tells Hayato calmly and rolls over again to straddle the young man. Hayato’s eyes are narrowed and perhaps a bit panicky. He isn’t breathing so Ryu taps his throat gently. Seriously, sometimes he just can’t get over how ridiculous his best friend is.
“I want you,” he tells Hayato in all honesty and cups his face into his hands. Hayato’s cheeks are flushed. He looks healthy and mature. It makes Ryu give him a crooked smile. “Come back to Japan when you’re ready, won’t you?”
Hayato nods enthusiastically and his upper body shoots up to catch Ryu’s lips in a hungry kiss. So much for the mood.
He has to go back, he knows. It doesn’t make it any easier, though.
--
He steps out of the airport building to the general hassle of the city with its cars and people. A familiar stench of pollution floods his nose and he sighs deeply and closes his eyes. Home.
“Ryu, this way!” Take’s voice calls out for him excitedly. He searches for the short figure among the crowd and finally spots Tsucchi’s bright red fan and tall build. They all came. He smiles a bit as he heads towards them and earns himself congratulatory pats on the back and shoulders. Ryu doesn’t even dare to ask why as he lets them guide him towards the bus stop, eagerly chattering about the plans they’ve made for the night, now that he’s back.
Ryu smiles sadly as he stands behind his friends who are reading the bus schedules. One day, he hopes, his father will forgive him.
He might be going home, but now he’s got a reason to fight for.