fic: Baby, Take Me Down (3/4)
It’s Wednesday evening again. Their usual McDonalds is packed so they make their orders on the drive-thru and park the car in the parking lot where they get their meals out of the rustling brown paper bag and dig in hungrily. It’s funny how, when everything else gets so complicated, things like these will always manage to simplify themselves.
“Kame’s been spending a lot of time with you lately,” Jin notes as he licks the salt from his fingers. Yamapi hides under his cap, trying to act calm and nonchalant even though he can feel the cold sweat forming on his skin. “You get along well?”
“Yeah, I guess,” he mutters as an answer, biting out as big of a piece of his hamburger as he can possibly fit in his mouth without a choking hazard. It should buy him a justified moment of silence. Jin doesn’t seem to mind his silence, nor is he continuing with the conversation. Instead he munches on three fries at once. Shit. Yamapi forces himself to swallow before he’s even finished chewing properly. “He’s nice. A bit different from what I would’ve imagined.”
“I know, right,” Jin laughs at him, eyes sparkling mischievously. Yamapi doesn’t know how to take it. “I’m surprised you get along so well. In the beginning you barely talked to each other. Besides, he’s not really like us,” the man shrugs, sliding down the backrest of his seat like a child. “Of course I’m happy that you get along. Really happy.”
He wouldn’t be if he knew what they’re actually doing behind his back. The words really claw at him in a nasty way as he finishes his hamburger bitterly and wipes his fingers to the paper napkins. “I’m happy you got yourself someone sensible for a change,” he attempts to keep the conversation going without getting too distracted with the scolding voices in his head. “It’s so weird, it’s not your usual style.”
“Hey, that hurt!” Jin scoffs and whacks his shoulder to express his displeasure. “My exes have been sensible and really serious about me. You just never bothered seeing them that way. Just because they might’ve liked having a bit of fun -”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Yamapi wails, having heard Jin’s defence speech too many times already. “Just save it, won’t you? It’s not like they matter anymore. To the past they belong,” he announces and takes a long sip from his Coca Cola. Jin chuckles giddily next to him. He must really be in a good mood. He wishes he could feel the same too. Nowadays it’s just a little difficult, knowing what he’s doing when Jin isn’t in the picture.
“I didn’t expect you and Kame to hit it on so well,” Jin moans as he takes the lid of his drink off and drinks a few gulps of his soda without a straw. “I’m not sure if I should be disappointed in you! I mean, he can be so anal sometimes,” Jin laughs.
The sound echoes nastily in Yamapi’s ear. For a moment he doesn’t move, just listens. He wonders where the tone of love is, why it doesn’t sound like a lover’s teasing. His tone reminds him of Jin bashing some nerdy kids during their school years. It’s quite intense.
“He’s more of the fancy type,” Jin continues, not reading the change in the car’s atmosphere. He’s far too lost in his demeaning introduction of his romantic partner. “He doesn’t like beer much, at home he drinks wine, like those old, dusty bottles you keep in your shelf for years. What kind of self-restraint does that even require?”
“Wine’s like that,” Yamapi tries to soften the blow by standing up for Kame. “It’s like love, you know. It may not give you the fruits right away, but with a little time you can be sure it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever come across.”
“Yeah, bullshit like that,” Jin nods enthusiastically, amused by his words. “He doesn’t even like clubbing, when we were finally both old enough to get in I wanted to take him for his birthday but he refused, insisting on just going to one of those calmer bars where you just sit and talk, you know. That’s actually how I came across our usual place,” he reminisces, scratching his nose awkwardly. “I guess I never told you that. But anyway. We were walking through the city to see if any place would look interesting. Finally I lost my nerve and just walked in, bitching at him… It turned out to be quite a good place, though, so who cares.”
“Sounds like you had it hard,” Yamapi notes and thinks about the bar, tries to imagine Kame and Jin a few years back stepping inside, unaware of the atmosphere that would suck them in within minutes of entrance. It’s hard to imagine. Sometimes it’s almost easy to forget how long the pair has actually known each other. It’s weird Jin never said anything about him.
“He’s afraid of heights too. Can’t take him anywhere fun,” Jin continues his mumbling through pursed lips, his eyes cast down. “Sometimes I really feel like we’re from different worlds. It’s just that we click anyway,” Jin shrugs. “I just feel like I can’t hold back when it comes to him. He makes me want to do stuff and act all lovey-dovey. It’s fucking weird.”
“But it must be nice, right?” Yamapi insists, stuffing his empty wrappers back in the paper bag with all the unused ketchup bags. He’s jealous, he has to admit it to himself. Would it be him, he’d talk differently. He’d speak fondly of Kame’s bright smile, his playful and entrancing attitude and obsessive fascination for baseball and musicals. “Having a love like that in your life. Someone who’s willing to stick around for you, even if you do clash.”
“Hmm, sure,” Jin hums contently, still chewing on his last French fries as he helps Yamapi clean up the mess they’ve created in the car. “He can be nice when he isn’t being boring or barely understandable. I’ll see if it works out. He’s just a fucking cashier but sometimes he really acts like he’s better than me,” Jin snorts bitterly. “His family doesn’t have much money and he had a knee injury so he couldn’t play baseball during the critical years. Never got a scholarship. Not that he would’ve been particularly bright either.”
“He’s just probably been brought up more strictly,” Yamapi wonders. It’s more probable that Jin is overreacting than that Kame really is such a douchebag in denial from what he knows about the two of them so far. “Besides, if you don’t think it’ll work out, don’t you think it’d be for the best to break up before it gets too serious?”
He waits anxiously for an answer. He’s holding his breath, unable to breathe as he drops the trash bag to the legroom. Jin’s silent too, straightening up in his seat. Yamapi wonders if everything can be as easy as this, a few words and he’s got the chances for everything without anything to risk.
There’s no way miraculous things like that actually happen, though.
“Nah,” Jin finally snarls, combing his curls back with his right hand. “He’s wanted me for years already and it’s not like I wouldn’t have always liked him on some sense. It’s a big thing to just throw away, you know? I’ll let him have his chance,” the man nods, trying to act cool. “Besides, we’ve been friends for many years. It could work out. We’ve always had some trouble, he doesn’t mind. It’s nice having someone who’ll stick around anyway.”
“…I guess.”
“I’m happy you two get along. Really,” Jin nods and smiles at him. He looks tired and relieved, like he’s had way too many sleepless nights over it. “I was kind of afraid no one would. He’s so… different.”
Yamapi smiles back at his friend supportively. His anxious pulse threatens to override his other senses but he refuses to let it have the upper hand. He doesn’t have to think about the complex webs he’s threading, not now. They don’t belong in this moment.
“He’s brilliant,” he finally sighs and turns his head to look ahead, see a family walk from the restaurant back towards their car. Nothing really hits him properly. He wonders if he’s digging his grave too deep or if Jin is digging his. They could both be just as lost and hopeless when it comes to love. “He truly is.”
Jin turns the key in the lock, preparing to drive them home. He doesn’t answer anymore. Yamapi wonders if he even has the words.
--
His worries tick along until the late hours of the night. He hazily remembers the neighbour’s baby crying with a shrieking voice that he couldn’t even drown with the sound of the shower he took after all the late night shows he could be bothered with, none of which he remembers properly anymore. There’s too much in his head, too much of Kame and him and Jin. No matter how hard he tries to think about it he isn’t able to find a pleasant conclusion for them, a way to tie up all of their feelings without anyone getting badly hurt.
First he blames himself for starting the whole mess, but a few hours later he can’t quite place the blame anymore. Who was it really that set the wheels going? Was it really him for supporting Kame, giving him an offer for something steadier to hold on to? Could it be Kame for being constantly so paranoid and actually taking up his offer even though he was supposed to deny him, were he be the perfect boyfriend he’d strived to be? What about Jin then - he’s the root of Kame’s issues, and Kame’s issues are what have created the whole mess. If Jin really cheats, is the fault then his?
His phone sits on his nightstand invitingly. He tries to ignore it by skimming through a manga he hasn’t been focused enough to finish in almost a month now. It doesn’t work though - his eyes are too tired to read the text and brains too mushy to keep up with the fast-paced plot, especially because he can’t really remember how the characters got to the situation they are in.
His mobile phone is still sitting on his nightstand, reminding him of all of the unanswered questions he has, all the issues he isn’t able to solve. He tosses the manga away anxiously and curls up, trying to resist the urge to call someone to help him sort his head out.
Who was it who activated the potential for this whole love triangle? Who are the ones supposed to stand with their heads held high in the end, or are they all going to take each other down, one by one?
He gives in and picks up the phone from his nightstand, skimming through the list of contacts before he stops to Ryo’s. He’s feeling heavy and tired, uncertain about everything himself. He sees Kame sitting at the bar with a smoke between his lips, hears Jin laughing and talking about his boyfriend without a worry in the world. There are lots of things that he doesn’t know what to think of.
His soles graze the cool floor as he sits on his bedside. Kame’s scent still lingers everywhere overwhelmingly, especially around the bed. He’s left his bracelets behind and they remind him of the man’s presence. The times they’ve spent here, surrounded by four walls.
He’s carried to the living room with his heavy legs. There’s a blanket on the couch he picks up and wraps around himself before he sits down on the rocking chair, trying to lull himself as the misery overrides him. He’s feeling insecure, protective, guilty and melancholic all at the same time.
“Pick up,” he whispers quietly as he presses the dial button and waits. There’s a lump stuck in his throat as he waits, and somehow the blanket doesn’t warm him enough. It isn’t soft enough, not like Kame’s comforting body when the man wraps his arms around him, smiling tiredly with his chin on Yamapi’s shoulder.
They’re falling in love, he knows. It doesn’t change the current situation, though. Not one bit. It only adds barely detectable stiffness to Kame’s form when Jin snakes his arm around his hip or shoulders possessively. Yamapi wonders if Kame’s feelings are changing. If he’s resisting the change or diving with it, courageous enough to let go of any safety wires he might have as protection.
The whole cheating thing is so complicated, uncertain and stressing that he just wants to get out of it already. But he can’t push it or he might break all of them. It was him who encouraged Kame to start the mess after all. Walking away isn’t an option either. Not at this point anymore.
“It’s past midnight, moron,” Ryo’s groan comes from the other end of the connection and Yamapi draws in a shaky breath, unsure of what he feels about this call. He mumbles his apologies and hears a heavy curse and shuffling - Ryo’s probably sitting up on his bed to keep awake. Yamapi hopes he can go back to sleep after this. Ryo’s sleeping isn’t always the best.
“So what is it?” the man sighs, trying to sound supporting, even if the hint of irritation doesn’t fully leave his voice. It’s Ryo, though, so it’s alright. “You’re not drunk somewhere, are you? I can’t hear traffic or people.”
“No,” Yamapi answers, curling more into himself. He curls his toes anxiously and looks out of the window - he’s forgotten to draw the curtains. It happens quite often. He can’t be bothered to get up now to close them, though. “I’ve just been wondering.”
“Wondering about what?” Ryo snarls sleepily, his voice thick. “You sound worried.” He’s not worried about this, it’s not that. He might be worried in general, but this isn’t what he’s worried about. He just wants to know the truth.
He’s ready for this. He’s doing this for himself.
He draws in a deep breath and lets his eyelids fall closed. His mouth feels completely dry by now. “Does Jin cheat?” he voices out the question. He doubts Ryo knows, but the least they could do is speculate. Maybe there’s something he’s missed through the years, something Ryo might’ve paid more attention to. He doubts Jin’s told Ryo himself about it, not if he hasn’t told him - they’re best friends, Jin and him. Ryo’s there too, but it’s not really the same. Jin is, and will always be, Jin. Maybe it’s one of the reasons why this whole commotion is so burdening sometimes.
“What?” Ryo snorts, sounding genuinely amused and confused. Yamapi gulps and opens his eyes. He rocks in the chair gently. He’s not sure if it makes him feel any better. “How come you’re suddenly so interested in that?”
“Someone told me,” Yamapi answers vaguely, not sure if he should mention that it’s Kame who told him the hearsay, even if the man has confronted Jin about it already. “They said he’s been really touchy with some girls. But he’s with Kamenashi. I’m worried.”
“Sure, he cheats.” No hesitation at all, simple statement. Something withers and dies then in his chest. His hand feels cold as he holds on to the phone, feeling miserable. It’s all wrong and confusing.
How can Jin do it when Kame is so amazing and deserves so much better?
“You think so?” he croaks shakily to the phone, sitting up straighter on the chair. It doesn’t feel like there’s enough oxygen in the room, and even if there is, it doesn’t feel worth breathing. “How come?”
“Look,” Ryo sighs. He sounds informed and knowledgeable which worries Yamapi. He feels like an outsider. How come no one ever talked with him about this? “It’s Jin’s problem. He has some issues, it makes him feel better. He didn’t want to tell you because you’d judge him. You’re a bit like… that, you know.”
“Like what?” There’s a hollow feeling in his chest that spreads. For once he actually feels excluded by his friends. The bonds they share feel loose. It’s like something he’s done everything to nurture but others have ignored.
“Good, you know. Your conscience is… well… You make things black and white sometimes,” Ryo tries to explain sleepily with a grunt. “Look, he just doesn’t want you to think lowly of him. He’d tell you but he’s a scared asshole, you know how he can be sometimes. He respects your opinion, which is exactly why he doesn’t want it. You wouldn’t get it. You don’t understand things like these.”
“I don’t?”
“You don’t,” Ryo presses strongly. “Try to sleep on it, will you?” he suggests, sounding very nonchalant about their topic. Ryo’s always had something of a superiority complex. Sometimes it shows. His advice is good a lot of the time when he really means it.
“Yeah,” Yamapi agrees. He doesn’t know if he can, though. Tonight doesn’t feel like his night. He rarely has problems, but now he does. Kamenashi’s worries are starting to become his worries. “What about Kamenashi?” he spurts out, unable to stop himself.
The silence drags on. Ryo’s breathing, taking his time to articulate an answer of sorts for him.
“He just has to live with it if he can’t get it out of Jin.”
“That simple?” Yamapi chuckles darkly. He feels offended for Kame’s sake. There are moments when he doesn’t click with his friends and their ideology. Perhaps he’s too much of a romantic. Ryo is strictly realistic. “’He just has to live with it’?”
“Sticking around is his own choice, no one is making him,” Ryo hums sleepily. There’s more shuffling - he’s probably half-asleep again, head resting on the pillow. He’s not disconnecting, though. Maybe he does have a worrying tone then. He hopes he isn’t too obvious.
He shouldn’t keep Ryo up if he’s so tired. There’s nothing the man can do anymore either, other than possibly infuriate him. No one can do anything. Not when Kame is sleeping next to a man he’s hopelessly in love with, a man who treats him like trash.
His eyes burn. He sniffs a little and bites his lip, trying to hold back his emotions. Ryo’s quiet, either listening to the quiet sounds he’s making worriedly or falling asleep without a care. He doesn’t know. It’s hard to know with Ryo, because it really could be either.
“Good night,” he finally mumbles. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“It’s okay,” the other man yawns as an answer. “Try to get some sleep. Good night to you too.”
The line disconnects. His eyes sting but the tears won’t come. He’s exhausted beyond belief and he’s supposed to have energy to run around and have a look out for children all day long at work today. Children, the fruits of happy relationships. Actual commitment.
His head hurts so much.
He gets up from the chair and discards the blanket. He doesn’t bother with the curtains, he’s going to open them in the morning anyway. The sound of the dishwasher hums, breaking the silence. The apartment feels empty.
He crashes back into bed and buries his head in his pillow, which smells like Kame. He’s still got his phone in his hands and he contemplates about texting the man. Should he even push his luck and do something stupid and courageous like clearly confess his love in the text message?
In the end he doesn’t, though. Kame’s got enough problems already and besides, he’s probably sleeping soundly. He’s warm and at peace, wrapped in arms of a person who loves him too, just like he does. As long as he’s sleeping he’s got everything he could ever want apart from Yamapi. Yamapi who’s here, alone, unable to do else than think of him in pain.
Maybe it’s the hope of them being together that gives him so much pain. If that’s the case, he’s dug his own grave. There’s no one else he can blame for it, not even Kame for taking his offer. He’d been the one who should’ve kept his head clear.
If Kame would just leave Jin, some of the pain could be over. He wouldn’t have to worry so much over a relationship that isn’t even his.
It takes him a while, but he does dose off. He sleeps soundly, and when he wakes up, he has no recollection of the dream’s he’s had during the night. The bed might be empty, but it’s warm and the scent that lingers is calming.
Getting up is harder.
--
He picks Kame up from the café. It’s raining quite heavily but Kame’s got his clear umbrella protecting him from the majority of the raindrops. His jeans are slightly wet from knee down though, and the water from the puddles forming on the ground splashes as he makes his way over to the passenger’s seat, pulls the door open and steps in, shaking the majority of the water off his umbrella.
“Evening,” Yamapi greets fondly, watching as Kame stuffs the umbrella next to his feet and slams the door shut before turning to face him. He’s smiling, gentle yet radiant as he leans over, hand on Yamapi’s cheek as he greets him with a brief kiss.
The rain drums against the windshield and Yamapi smiles against Kame’s lips. He feels comfortable as they withdraw to sit back in their own seats, smiles on their faces. Nowadays Kame’s relaxed during their encounters as well, genuinely delighted to spend some time together.
He talks to Kame about the children as he drives home. He tells him silly little stories like how Rikako-chan received her first innocent little peck from Masami-kun and how Tomoya-kun cried when he was too scared to climb down from the little tree in the yard where he had gotten himself to. The radio plays classics on the background calmingly and it’s all good. Kame listens, takes part in the conversation by talking about his adorable niece who sounds just as stubborn and special as Kame himself.
At home they get cosy on the couch, wrapped up in each other. Kame’s fingers are threading through his hair affectionately while Yamapi listens to his heartbeat, letting it lull himself into a comfortable haze. He thinks about Kame, thinks about him and Jin. Thinks about Jin cheating.
Things would be so much better if Kame realised that he was the one. Everyone could finally fix themselves, let go of the heavy weights they’re carrying over their shoulders. He wonders if Jin would ever forgive him - he probably would, once he’d realise that it’s not what he wants after all, because there’s no way it can be if he doesn’t love Kame enough to commit.
Kame never knew of better, not before him at least. He tells him about some relationships he’s had in the past while struggling with a difficult Jin determined to do everything but step down from his high spot to become his. Tells about strained relationships, not being able to give enough, have it all slide through his fingers like water. It’s moments like those when Yamapi kisses him and searches for eye contact, makes sure Kame knows he isn’t going anywhere because he has enough, and even if this weren’t enough, he knows he’s acquiring more with every meeting they have. He knows he’s wrapping himself around Kame’s heart, feels it when they cuddle up or have sex. Everything’s different compared to when they started off. Kame’s melting.
“I’ve been thinking,” Kame says quietly when it’s nearing eleven o’clock already and they both know he should start getting home soon before Jin starts suspecting something. “About us,” he mumbles and licks his lips. Yamapi pecks the mole on his forearm and entwines their fingers on Kame’s lap. “Whether this is smart or not.”
“Uh huh,” Yamapi prompts him to go on, trying to hide his anxiousness. He’s pretty sure Kame isn’t going to break up with him though, not this fast. Not that they could even break up, when they never agreed on ‘being together’ in the first place. “So?”
“I don’t know. Nowadays I don’t really know much,” Kame sighs heavily, extending and curling the fingers of his hand holding Yamapi’s. “It’s weird. Not knowing,” he continues with a slight strain in his voice. Yamapi lies down on the couch to rest his head on Kame’s lap. “Don’t you think so?”
“I don’t think it is,” Yamapi sighs, kissing Kame’s knuckles. “But I don’t think this is enough,” he admits, deciding it’s alright to voice out his opinion, guide Kame to the right direction because it’s where they’re already going anyway. He doesn’t know much about the future, he has no idea whether their relationship will be once and for all or just a phase before Kame realises there’s a much wider world out there without either of them. Still, for now, none of this feels like enough. “This thing between us.”
“But would more be right?” Kame ponders, tilting his head apathetically. He’s lost somewhere far away in his thoughts, but Yamapi’s still his anchor, giving him a tiny speck of reality, this moment right here. “What if we both find out it’s not what we want after all?”
“Then we’ll let go of it, of course,” Yamapi tells softly and raises his free hand to caress Kame’s cheek. It feels soft against his fingers, giving in to his touch. Kame’s looking at him. He looks serious about this conversation. “Go see the world. Find where we belong.”
“Do you think we’ll find where we belong?” Kame asks silently, looking at the window. It’s still raining and the raindrops are drawing lines on the glass as they race down, colliding and merging. “How do we know when we get there?”
Yamapi needs a moment to think in silence. He listens to their breathing as he wonders about it, all of it. This and everything he might ever imagine. “We don’t want to leave,” is what he finally settles for. “We’ll know nothing will ever make us feel like that.”
“Like what?” Kame urges him to go on. He squeezes his hand, searching for confirmation and Yamapi thinks that maybe it’s here - maybe this is where they belong, together. He closes his eyes and feels it, the atmosphere and Kame’s presence, wondering if they’ll soon come across the final discovery.
“Like we belong,” he answers with a certain voice and lets the feeling spread in his chest. “As simple as that.”
Kame pushes him off his lap and lies on top of him, curled up over his chest. Yamapi hardly ever thinks things are perfect because there’s no way something like that can exist, but he thinks this comes very, very close. He caresses Kame’s back and looks at his ruffled hair spread all over his chest, wondering how Kame can still hesitate about this.
“I should go home,” Kame says but he doesn’t move. Yamapi hugs him closer against him and looks at the window. “I really should.”
“It’s raining, though,” Yamapi offers him helpfully in a soft voice. Kame wants an excuse, something that sounds reasonable enough. He exhales deeply over Yamapi’s chest as Yamapi draws circles on his scalp. “You could stay.”
“Because it’s raining?” Kame mumbles thoughtfully. “Hmm. I might’ve misplaced my umbrella, though. You don’t want me to get soaked and ill. You’re caring like that.” Yamapi chuckles amusedly as an answer. It sounds good enough, as long as Jin doesn’t decide to pick Kame up.
Kame fishes out his mobile phone from his pocket and starts typing the text. Yamapi doesn’t see what he’s writing, but he sees colourful rows of emoticons and exclamation marks flooding the screen. He chuckles in Kame’s nape and holds his hips gently.
When Kame finishes, he slips the phone back in his pocket and turns to lie over him with their chests pressed together. Yamapi smiles at him as he tilts his head for another moist kiss. The wet sound of their lips echoes temptingly between them, making their cheeks flush. Yamapi buries his fingers in Kame’s hair and breathes against his lips in between the kisses, in between Kame’s heated nibs and pulls.
He wonders if this whole love triangle is dangerously nearing its end. If it is, though, he might just as well stand at the end to collect the prize with his chest about to explode.
--
The times they spend with all three of them around are the hardest now. He recalls how they used to be with Kame and Jin snuggling up to each other and him sitting, feeling lonely and alone from afar. Now, though, it’s more than that because now Kame spends a great deal of time staring at him even when Jin’s talking to him. There’s an obvious strain on their relationship.
They’re partying in a big group at a club. Tonight isn’t for much conversation - it’s for getting piss drunk, dancing and hooking up if not already taken. A few of their married friends are around too, and quite a few others too. Uchi and Jin are chatting about something near the bar counter and Ryo is dancing with some girl so it’s easy for Kame to tug on Yamapi’s hand and pull him through the crowd somewhere more secluded like for a smoke outside.
“How’s it going? Between you two,” Yamapi finally decides to ask. They’re alone now with no one eaves dropping on them, and he feels better about this, having intimate conversation with the younger man. Kame’s lips press tightly together and he releases the smoke through his nose.
“Don’t,” he simply mutters before taking another drag. He’s stressed and anxious, Yamapi knows, because Kame doesn’t usually smoke much. He’s more prone to it when under pressure. “Just don’t. Please.”
“Okay then,” Yamapi answers with a sigh and falls silent again. He takes the cigarette from Kame and takes a drag himself before returning it to Kame who’s quick to inhale more. It’s quite nerve-wrecking. The light atmosphere is gone, and so is the little electric pull between them.
Kame looks exhausted. Yamapi might’ve had a few drinks, but he’s sober enough to understand that Kame isn’t exactly in a party mood. He wonders why he didn’t cancel, but then again he doesn’t - he’s here with Jin after all.
“Being the driver sucks,” Kame laughs bitterly as he takes another cigarette from his case and lights it up. “I feel excluded, you know. Everyone else is getting drunk and having fun and I just don’t feel like anything is fun anymore. It’s frustrating.”
“Hmm,” Yamapi hums softly, letting Kame know that he’s listening. Kame leans against the wall and closes his eyes, the end of the cigarette burning red in his hands. There are dark bags under his eyes, something he hasn’t quite detected inside the club yet. Must be all the lights.
The eyeliner really suits him though. Yamapi takes his hand and entwines their fingers. Kame doesn’t resist. He opens his eyes and looks at him. He really doesn’t look happy. Yamapi squeezes his hand a bit more tightly, and Kame’s lips turn upwards, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Is everything alright?” he asks quietly. Kame nods and takes another drag before moving to stand in front of him. He embraces him softly and buries his face in Yamapi’s chest. It makes Yamapi nervous - he isn’t drunk enough to feel calm about hugging Kame when Jin and the others might show up any second, when they are so close with just a wall behind them.
“I’m just having a bad day,” Kame finally sighs and withdraws. The cigarette returns to his lips and he’s brushing his exposed forearms anxiously, probably starting to get cold. “I’m sorry. I’m alright, just frustrated.”
“Good,” Yamapi nods, unsure of how he should behave. The conversation dies and Kame finishes his cigarette in silence. He stomps it and they start heading back inside, Kame walking in front of him. The music is starting to hurt Yamapi’s ears and he thinks he needs another drink, but wonders if it will offend Kame even more. He doesn’t want him to feel too excluded.
“Where’s Jin?” Kame asks as they make their way back to the table. Shige and Koyama are having a drinking game, which Koyama is rapidly losing. The others are cheering them on. Jin isn’t anywhere to be seen, though. Yamapi can spot Ryo still on the dance floor, along with a few others.
Kame looks stiff and anxious. Yamapi puts a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry,” he tells him with a sure voice. “He’s probably just off dancing somewhere. Or at the bathroom.”
“Yeah,” Kame answers, eyes wide and angry. He’s tight-lipped as he folds his arms and sits down on the couch with the others. Yamapi doesn’t - there’s no space left for him. He looks at Shige and Koyama go for more drinks and people throwing more bets on the table.
It’s really loud, but Kame’s really silent. He looks like a ticking time-bomb, ready to explode. Yamapi kind of wants to take him away but he doesn’t dare with the aura the man has. He’s intimidating as minutes pass by and Koyama finally loses. Others start hurrying him towards the bathroom as he feels sick and wobbly. Yamapi is just about to sit down when Kame gets up on his feet and moves.
“Where are you going?” he asks, turning around to look after the man who’s pushing through the crowd. He waves his hand to the others as he jogs after the man. He doesn’t look stable enough mentally to move around alone, for the good of everyone who might irritate him further. It’s kind of funny considering the fact that Kame’s probably one of the rare few people in the bar completely sober.
“I’m looking for Jin,” the man snaps back at him. “Just go back, I’ll be back once I find him. He’s taking awhile, he might be puking somewhere again. He goes overboard sometimes.” Kame’s right about it, but his words feel empty and soulless. He’s genuinely worried though, but it’s more at the verge of his paranoia again. Yamapi grabs him by his wrists and forces him to stop. Some people collide against them, apologize and wander away. Kame’s staring at him furiously, eyes sparkling under the strobe lights. They’re glossy.
“He wouldn’t,” Yamapi tells him calmly. “Take it easy.”
”Don’t tell me to take it easy,” Kame snorts coldly and glares at him, yanking his hands away. “You trust people too easily. Well, sometimes they aren’t to be trusted. You and I are a perfect example of that, too.”
His words hurt and Yamapi grimaces. The DJ changes the track to some upbeat one and people cheer, rush to the dance floor. There’s laughter and chattering everywhere, people having a good time. Then there’s Kame. Kame, who looks like he might tear the world into pieces if prompted enough.
“Stop that,” Yamapi tries as Kame starts pushing through the crowd again, trying to look around in his search for his boyfriend. It’s hurtful and offending when he’s right here and Jin’s seriously probably just in the bathroom. Or maybe they just didn’t bump into each other as Jin went out for a smoke. There’s really no saying. “Kame, stop that,” he tries again and wraps his fingers around Kame’s wrist. The man’s breathing is rapid and anxious. He’s really losing it.
“I need to find him,” Kame announces to him, looking lost and irrational. If he didn’t know that the man was completely sober, he’d start suspecting drug use. He doesn’t think the crowd is doing miracles for Kame. Clubs aren’t his place. Not really. “If you have to stay around, help me find him. Just. Please,” he gasps shakily, looking around again. “I shouldn’t ask this from you. But I just need to find him.”
“He could be back at the table,” Yamapi suggests softly, trying to remain calm because Kame isn’t and he really needs someone to keep him sane right now. He’s never seen him like this before. “We could check?” he suggests but Kame shakes his head anxiously.
“Bathrooms. He could be in the bathrooms,” the younger man reasons and starts making his way to the nearest one. Yamapi sighs and follows, deciding it might actually be worth a try. He’s taking his sweet time if that’s the case, though.
Kame steps in the men’s bathroom. He eyes through the people washing their hands or taking a piss at the urinals, one hardly standing up and missing the urinal by a lot. “Jin?” he calls out and walks towards the stalls, knocking on the occupied doors. “Jin, are you here?”
No answer. Yamapi shrugs at Kame who turns on his heels and heads out. Yamapi jogs after him and tries not to let too many people between them so that he won’t lose sight of the man. He really doesn’t look good.
“There’s still one bathroom on the second floor,” Yamapi notes and Kame looks around, searching for the staircase. He finally locates the spiral stairs at the far corner and starts heading over. He looks close to tears. They must’ve had it pretty rough at home then, he assumes. Bad enough for Kame to be genuinely scared of Jin doing something stupid.
“It’s alright, Kame, really,” he tries to reassure Kame, even though it’s not really working in his favour. He doesn’t care about idiotic selfish shit like that now, though. All he cares about is Kame calming down and feeling better. “You could try to call him.”
“Call,” Kame realises and fishes the phone from his pocket. “But it’s too loud,” he finally notes anxiously, looking around helplessly. “There’s no way he’ll hear it. Or I’ll hear what he’s saying and vice versa.” He has a point. In the end he texts him quickly before putting his phone back in his pocket and continuing his way.
“Aren’t you waiting for him to answer?” Yamapi tries desperately, walking beside him. “We could go and sit down, wait for him to come back. Who knows, he could be looking for you too.”
“He might not. He might not even answer,” Kame stutters anxiously with a shaky voice. “It’s a good excuse, isn’t it? ‘I didn’t hear it.’ Doesn’t that sound easy to you?” It does, Yamapi has to admit to himself, but there’s no way he’ll say it aloud. Kame’s feeding on the paranoia in his own words as he runs to the excluded corridor with a bathroom sign. It’s dim with just a few neon green lights illuminating the corridor. The bathrooms are for both sexes, actual rooms rather than stalls. Yamapi gets the chills and hopes to god Jin won’t actually be here, because the place is shady enough as it is.
“He’s not here,” he tries to tell Kame. “Come on, let’s go,” he continues. Kame’s swallowing anxiously, unable to see inside the toilets. “Kame,” Yamapi calls for him again, trying to help him snap out of it. Kame turns his head to him and starts walking again, god knows where this time.
A door opens. Yamapi turns his head by instinct before colliding into Kame who’s frozen on spot. Jin steps out with his hair ruffled. Kame stares at him, alarmed. Jin looks like he’s caught doing something bad.
He wouldn’t, would he? Not really. Jin’s looking at him too before starting to walk over but Kame pushes his way past him and yanks the door open, revealing a woman who looks startled. She throws her bag over her shoulder and walks away, heels clanking, not even saying a word to Kame’s blank face, only glaring at him like he’s some kind of pervert.
It’s silent. Yamapi looks at Jin, meets his gaze. Jin’s eyes are wide and alarmed. There’s really no question in what he’s been doing, none at all. It’s so painfully obvious it’s shocking. No matter how many warnings he’s gotten about this he doesn’t think he would’ve been able to prepare himself to comprehend it.
Kame’s far worse, though. He isn’t turning around, isn’t doing anything. Jin runs his hand through his hair and turns towards his boyfriend, drunk but aware of the explosive nature of the situation.
Yamapi feels like he’s butting in to something personal. He shouldn’t be here. Not for this.
“Kame, let’s go home,” Jin suggests. He looks like a puppy waiting for a beating, shoulders raised and stiff. Kame takes a step back from the door but doesn’t turn around.
Yamapi wonders if he’s crying.
“Baby,” Jin croaks and walks over to his boyfriend, steps faster than usually. He tries to place a hand on Kame’s shoulder but the man shoves it away shakily, still speechless. Now he’s turned around though, eyes glistening and face white. He doesn’t look like he’s about to break down and cry, though.
Yamapi’s never seen Jin as scared as he looks when Kame glares at him furiously before stumbling his way past him, refusing to look back. Kame looks both alert and in a haze, trying to figure out his own emotions. “Kame, it’s not like that,” Jin tries and moves again, takes a few steps towards them. Kame turns around to face him, eyes flaming hell’s fire. “Kazu, I’m so sorry. Can we just please go home now?”
"You know what, Jin, it's alright," Kame spits at him with his face morphed into furious disgust. "It's fucking alright," he chuckles darkly and locks arms with Yamapi who feels cold tremors running through his body. Kame looks at him, searching for confirmation, urging him to take a leap of faith, follow his heart and abandon one of his oldest friendships for a beautiful thing called love.
He looks at Jin who, unsurprisingly, doesn't understand. His eyes are wide and he still looks breathless, dishevelled and panicky as he stands there with his hair in disarray, only barely managing not to make a pitiful lunge at Kame, who looks like he can shoot deadly shards of ice with his eyes.
Jin has crossed the line, Yamapi understands. He can feel the slight tremors of Kame's body, feel him gruesomely breaking underneath his uncaring mask. Yamapi gulps and entwines their fingers, feels Kame hold on to them tightly as he turns to Jin again, Jin who looks startled and disbelieving.
"I can do better than you," Kame states, his eyes glossy if Yamapi looks at them hard enough. "We're over," the faithful gasp leaves Kame's lips. He sounds breathless too, kind of out of what he's actually doing. It's for the best, though, Yamapi knows. It'd break him as well to see Kame continue being treated the way he is. "I'm done with you."
“Kazu,” Jin murmurs quietly, his eyes wide like a deer’s. He looks from Kame to Yamapi, who wishes Jin would look a little more angry and a little less confused and desperate. “You can’t -”
“I can,” Kame corrects him with a snort, his lips tightly pressed together. “It’s over.” He tastes the words in his mouth like they don’t belong there, surprised by his own action but unyielding. He’s strong, a person who can tackle Mount Everest filled with bloodthirsty beasts if necessary. Jin might be his biggest challenge yet, but he’s frozen Kame’s warm core. He’s humiliated and disregarded him, something he doesn’t tolerate very well.
“I can have someone else too,” Kame speaks, his words slurring together painfully as he looks at Yamapi again. Jin seems to finally question the nature of their relationship. Yamapi flinches, feels Kame let go of his hand to tug him a bit closer and wrap his arm around his hips. It’s clear now, out in the open. Jin looks pale, on the verge of breaking. “I’m done with your shit.”
“I love you,” Jin insists with a low and shaky voice, hands shaking. “I need you. You know I’ve always loved you. You know that.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Kame answers, trying to swallow back his tears. His squeeze tightens worryingly. He’s looking for more strength, support, Yamapi knows. Yamapi drapes his own arm around Kame’s lower back and swallows harshly, trying to shake off Jin’s miserable begging. Kame can’t give in now. He needs him. Kame is the victim here.
“Let’s go,” he suggests quietly. Kame blinks furiously, masking his sorrow with despise. He doesn’t turn his eyes away from Jin as Yamapi starts dragging him away. Jin finally moves, rushing after them desperately, air knocked out of his lungs.
“KAME!” he exclaims and Yamapi speeds up, dragging Kame through the crowd so harshly the man snaps out of his daze to pick up the speed and make sure he doesn’t collide with anyone. Kame’s grip on his hand makes him fear for his bones but it’s alright - the look in Kame’s eyes is frantic and he can hear the sound of Jin dashing after them, not too far behind.
They crash through the doors without collecting their coats from the cloakroom. The sound of traffic is overwhelming and then it’s Kame guiding him, more alert with his surroundings. He’s pushed into the car and the door slams shut. He raises his head, pants and watches from the window as Kame runs to the driver’s seat. Then he’s inside, shoving the key in with trembling hands, missing the slot several times before managing to start the engine.
He jumps in his seat as palms slam against his window. Jin. He’s knocking and speaking something but Kame turns the radio on before Yamapi manages to make out his words. He looks at Kame who’s staring at Jin wildly and challengingly, pressing the gas pedal with his foot.
Jin jumps back before running again, stopping in front of the car so that Kame has to brake. Kame roars in fury and opens the window just a bit, bellowing obscenities at Jin, demanding him to get the fuck off the road or he’s going to drive over him.
Yamapi wouldn’t put it past him. Not when he watches him. Kame shouldn’t be behind the wheel in this condition. He might as well kill them all.
“Kame, please,” Jin slurs speedily, his palms pressed against Kame’s window. He’s crouched down, his face not many centimetres apart from the glass. His eyes have a red tinge but Kame’s glaring at him with a clear message, his stubborn mind refusing to be changed. “Don’t go. Please, don’t go. We can fix this, you know we can, we can do it.”
“I’ve tried to fix it for eight fucking years, right from the start,” Kame answers with a furiously trembling voice, a tear making its way down his cheek. “Maybe you should’ve thought about that then. You’re a bit too late now.”
“Kame, don’t,” Jin tries with a firmer voice. He tries the door handle but Kame’s locked it already, foreseeing Jin’s desperate action. He presses the gas again and the car jolts forwards. Jin stumbles a little, still trying to keep up. “KAME! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, LET’S TALK! Talk to me, Kame, don’t - ”
The corners of Kame’s mouth turn miserably downwards but his gaze is determined as he drives. Yamapi watches from the mirror as Jin’s form gets smaller and smaller as it falls behind, still running as fast as his body lets him. He feels awfully hollow, unable to say a word. Kame turns the volume up until he can’t even focus on his own thoughts properly.
Kame wipes the tear from his cheek as he drives. Yamapi considers telling him to pull over, insisting on driving because Kame isn’t calm now. He’s sure Kame will refuse, though - driving is the only thing that lets him keep himself collected right now. He turns the wheel, watches the signs and observes the other cars carefully. They’re not driving to Jin’s place but Yamapi’s - Kame is planning on staying over for the time being, then. It’s good. He’d worry otherwise.
Yamapi grits his teeth together and turns the radio down. Kame glances at him briefly, his breathing speeding up. Yamapi leans back against the backrest of his seat and looks forward, trying to calm himself down too.
“It’s going to be alright, you know,” he notes with a sure voice. Kame blinks his eyes as he stops at the red lights. He watches the cars drive past them. Yamapi takes one of his hands from the wheel, rubs it gently with his thumb and locks eyes with Kame who’s still a shaky mess under the stubbornness.
“I promise,” he says slowly, tasting every syllable in his mouth and knowing that he means it. Kame smiles at him a bit, even though his attempt ends up looking a bit bitter. Yamapi kisses his knuckles and lets go, letting Kame position his hand back on the wheel. “You can count on me.”
“I’m counting on you,” Kame nods, sounding strained and determined. “For god’s sake, I’m really counting on you right now.”
“I won’t let you down,” Yamapi assures him, his heart hammering in his chest guiltily. “It’s about time you got loved properly, isn’t it?”
The light turns from red to green and Kame instinctively presses on the pedal again. His eyes are gleaming before his tears start falling. His crying is unsettling but understandable. It must hurt, still. Yamapi can only hope Kame can see the road from behind his tears.
“Yeah,” the younger man croaks behind his choked sobs. “I guess.”
He’s sniffing and crying for the rest of the ride while Yamapi sits and listens to the radio. There’s a podcast about the current hits, none of which he particularly likes. Once they arrive at his place and get out of the car, he takes the car keys from Kame, wraps his arm around his shoulder and guides him inside.
Kame locks himself in the bathroom for a few hours. He’s got the shower on but it doesn’t hide his sobs. He wonders what he should feel, what Kame feels.
He can only hope to make it better.
--
--> part 4/4
“Kame’s been spending a lot of time with you lately,” Jin notes as he licks the salt from his fingers. Yamapi hides under his cap, trying to act calm and nonchalant even though he can feel the cold sweat forming on his skin. “You get along well?”
“Yeah, I guess,” he mutters as an answer, biting out as big of a piece of his hamburger as he can possibly fit in his mouth without a choking hazard. It should buy him a justified moment of silence. Jin doesn’t seem to mind his silence, nor is he continuing with the conversation. Instead he munches on three fries at once. Shit. Yamapi forces himself to swallow before he’s even finished chewing properly. “He’s nice. A bit different from what I would’ve imagined.”
“I know, right,” Jin laughs at him, eyes sparkling mischievously. Yamapi doesn’t know how to take it. “I’m surprised you get along so well. In the beginning you barely talked to each other. Besides, he’s not really like us,” the man shrugs, sliding down the backrest of his seat like a child. “Of course I’m happy that you get along. Really happy.”
He wouldn’t be if he knew what they’re actually doing behind his back. The words really claw at him in a nasty way as he finishes his hamburger bitterly and wipes his fingers to the paper napkins. “I’m happy you got yourself someone sensible for a change,” he attempts to keep the conversation going without getting too distracted with the scolding voices in his head. “It’s so weird, it’s not your usual style.”
“Hey, that hurt!” Jin scoffs and whacks his shoulder to express his displeasure. “My exes have been sensible and really serious about me. You just never bothered seeing them that way. Just because they might’ve liked having a bit of fun -”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Yamapi wails, having heard Jin’s defence speech too many times already. “Just save it, won’t you? It’s not like they matter anymore. To the past they belong,” he announces and takes a long sip from his Coca Cola. Jin chuckles giddily next to him. He must really be in a good mood. He wishes he could feel the same too. Nowadays it’s just a little difficult, knowing what he’s doing when Jin isn’t in the picture.
“I didn’t expect you and Kame to hit it on so well,” Jin moans as he takes the lid of his drink off and drinks a few gulps of his soda without a straw. “I’m not sure if I should be disappointed in you! I mean, he can be so anal sometimes,” Jin laughs.
The sound echoes nastily in Yamapi’s ear. For a moment he doesn’t move, just listens. He wonders where the tone of love is, why it doesn’t sound like a lover’s teasing. His tone reminds him of Jin bashing some nerdy kids during their school years. It’s quite intense.
“He’s more of the fancy type,” Jin continues, not reading the change in the car’s atmosphere. He’s far too lost in his demeaning introduction of his romantic partner. “He doesn’t like beer much, at home he drinks wine, like those old, dusty bottles you keep in your shelf for years. What kind of self-restraint does that even require?”
“Wine’s like that,” Yamapi tries to soften the blow by standing up for Kame. “It’s like love, you know. It may not give you the fruits right away, but with a little time you can be sure it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever come across.”
“Yeah, bullshit like that,” Jin nods enthusiastically, amused by his words. “He doesn’t even like clubbing, when we were finally both old enough to get in I wanted to take him for his birthday but he refused, insisting on just going to one of those calmer bars where you just sit and talk, you know. That’s actually how I came across our usual place,” he reminisces, scratching his nose awkwardly. “I guess I never told you that. But anyway. We were walking through the city to see if any place would look interesting. Finally I lost my nerve and just walked in, bitching at him… It turned out to be quite a good place, though, so who cares.”
“Sounds like you had it hard,” Yamapi notes and thinks about the bar, tries to imagine Kame and Jin a few years back stepping inside, unaware of the atmosphere that would suck them in within minutes of entrance. It’s hard to imagine. Sometimes it’s almost easy to forget how long the pair has actually known each other. It’s weird Jin never said anything about him.
“He’s afraid of heights too. Can’t take him anywhere fun,” Jin continues his mumbling through pursed lips, his eyes cast down. “Sometimes I really feel like we’re from different worlds. It’s just that we click anyway,” Jin shrugs. “I just feel like I can’t hold back when it comes to him. He makes me want to do stuff and act all lovey-dovey. It’s fucking weird.”
“But it must be nice, right?” Yamapi insists, stuffing his empty wrappers back in the paper bag with all the unused ketchup bags. He’s jealous, he has to admit it to himself. Would it be him, he’d talk differently. He’d speak fondly of Kame’s bright smile, his playful and entrancing attitude and obsessive fascination for baseball and musicals. “Having a love like that in your life. Someone who’s willing to stick around for you, even if you do clash.”
“Hmm, sure,” Jin hums contently, still chewing on his last French fries as he helps Yamapi clean up the mess they’ve created in the car. “He can be nice when he isn’t being boring or barely understandable. I’ll see if it works out. He’s just a fucking cashier but sometimes he really acts like he’s better than me,” Jin snorts bitterly. “His family doesn’t have much money and he had a knee injury so he couldn’t play baseball during the critical years. Never got a scholarship. Not that he would’ve been particularly bright either.”
“He’s just probably been brought up more strictly,” Yamapi wonders. It’s more probable that Jin is overreacting than that Kame really is such a douchebag in denial from what he knows about the two of them so far. “Besides, if you don’t think it’ll work out, don’t you think it’d be for the best to break up before it gets too serious?”
He waits anxiously for an answer. He’s holding his breath, unable to breathe as he drops the trash bag to the legroom. Jin’s silent too, straightening up in his seat. Yamapi wonders if everything can be as easy as this, a few words and he’s got the chances for everything without anything to risk.
There’s no way miraculous things like that actually happen, though.
“Nah,” Jin finally snarls, combing his curls back with his right hand. “He’s wanted me for years already and it’s not like I wouldn’t have always liked him on some sense. It’s a big thing to just throw away, you know? I’ll let him have his chance,” the man nods, trying to act cool. “Besides, we’ve been friends for many years. It could work out. We’ve always had some trouble, he doesn’t mind. It’s nice having someone who’ll stick around anyway.”
“…I guess.”
“I’m happy you two get along. Really,” Jin nods and smiles at him. He looks tired and relieved, like he’s had way too many sleepless nights over it. “I was kind of afraid no one would. He’s so… different.”
Yamapi smiles back at his friend supportively. His anxious pulse threatens to override his other senses but he refuses to let it have the upper hand. He doesn’t have to think about the complex webs he’s threading, not now. They don’t belong in this moment.
“He’s brilliant,” he finally sighs and turns his head to look ahead, see a family walk from the restaurant back towards their car. Nothing really hits him properly. He wonders if he’s digging his grave too deep or if Jin is digging his. They could both be just as lost and hopeless when it comes to love. “He truly is.”
Jin turns the key in the lock, preparing to drive them home. He doesn’t answer anymore. Yamapi wonders if he even has the words.
--
His worries tick along until the late hours of the night. He hazily remembers the neighbour’s baby crying with a shrieking voice that he couldn’t even drown with the sound of the shower he took after all the late night shows he could be bothered with, none of which he remembers properly anymore. There’s too much in his head, too much of Kame and him and Jin. No matter how hard he tries to think about it he isn’t able to find a pleasant conclusion for them, a way to tie up all of their feelings without anyone getting badly hurt.
First he blames himself for starting the whole mess, but a few hours later he can’t quite place the blame anymore. Who was it really that set the wheels going? Was it really him for supporting Kame, giving him an offer for something steadier to hold on to? Could it be Kame for being constantly so paranoid and actually taking up his offer even though he was supposed to deny him, were he be the perfect boyfriend he’d strived to be? What about Jin then - he’s the root of Kame’s issues, and Kame’s issues are what have created the whole mess. If Jin really cheats, is the fault then his?
His phone sits on his nightstand invitingly. He tries to ignore it by skimming through a manga he hasn’t been focused enough to finish in almost a month now. It doesn’t work though - his eyes are too tired to read the text and brains too mushy to keep up with the fast-paced plot, especially because he can’t really remember how the characters got to the situation they are in.
His mobile phone is still sitting on his nightstand, reminding him of all of the unanswered questions he has, all the issues he isn’t able to solve. He tosses the manga away anxiously and curls up, trying to resist the urge to call someone to help him sort his head out.
Who was it who activated the potential for this whole love triangle? Who are the ones supposed to stand with their heads held high in the end, or are they all going to take each other down, one by one?
He gives in and picks up the phone from his nightstand, skimming through the list of contacts before he stops to Ryo’s. He’s feeling heavy and tired, uncertain about everything himself. He sees Kame sitting at the bar with a smoke between his lips, hears Jin laughing and talking about his boyfriend without a worry in the world. There are lots of things that he doesn’t know what to think of.
His soles graze the cool floor as he sits on his bedside. Kame’s scent still lingers everywhere overwhelmingly, especially around the bed. He’s left his bracelets behind and they remind him of the man’s presence. The times they’ve spent here, surrounded by four walls.
He’s carried to the living room with his heavy legs. There’s a blanket on the couch he picks up and wraps around himself before he sits down on the rocking chair, trying to lull himself as the misery overrides him. He’s feeling insecure, protective, guilty and melancholic all at the same time.
“Pick up,” he whispers quietly as he presses the dial button and waits. There’s a lump stuck in his throat as he waits, and somehow the blanket doesn’t warm him enough. It isn’t soft enough, not like Kame’s comforting body when the man wraps his arms around him, smiling tiredly with his chin on Yamapi’s shoulder.
They’re falling in love, he knows. It doesn’t change the current situation, though. Not one bit. It only adds barely detectable stiffness to Kame’s form when Jin snakes his arm around his hip or shoulders possessively. Yamapi wonders if Kame’s feelings are changing. If he’s resisting the change or diving with it, courageous enough to let go of any safety wires he might have as protection.
The whole cheating thing is so complicated, uncertain and stressing that he just wants to get out of it already. But he can’t push it or he might break all of them. It was him who encouraged Kame to start the mess after all. Walking away isn’t an option either. Not at this point anymore.
“It’s past midnight, moron,” Ryo’s groan comes from the other end of the connection and Yamapi draws in a shaky breath, unsure of what he feels about this call. He mumbles his apologies and hears a heavy curse and shuffling - Ryo’s probably sitting up on his bed to keep awake. Yamapi hopes he can go back to sleep after this. Ryo’s sleeping isn’t always the best.
“So what is it?” the man sighs, trying to sound supporting, even if the hint of irritation doesn’t fully leave his voice. It’s Ryo, though, so it’s alright. “You’re not drunk somewhere, are you? I can’t hear traffic or people.”
“No,” Yamapi answers, curling more into himself. He curls his toes anxiously and looks out of the window - he’s forgotten to draw the curtains. It happens quite often. He can’t be bothered to get up now to close them, though. “I’ve just been wondering.”
“Wondering about what?” Ryo snarls sleepily, his voice thick. “You sound worried.” He’s not worried about this, it’s not that. He might be worried in general, but this isn’t what he’s worried about. He just wants to know the truth.
He’s ready for this. He’s doing this for himself.
He draws in a deep breath and lets his eyelids fall closed. His mouth feels completely dry by now. “Does Jin cheat?” he voices out the question. He doubts Ryo knows, but the least they could do is speculate. Maybe there’s something he’s missed through the years, something Ryo might’ve paid more attention to. He doubts Jin’s told Ryo himself about it, not if he hasn’t told him - they’re best friends, Jin and him. Ryo’s there too, but it’s not really the same. Jin is, and will always be, Jin. Maybe it’s one of the reasons why this whole commotion is so burdening sometimes.
“What?” Ryo snorts, sounding genuinely amused and confused. Yamapi gulps and opens his eyes. He rocks in the chair gently. He’s not sure if it makes him feel any better. “How come you’re suddenly so interested in that?”
“Someone told me,” Yamapi answers vaguely, not sure if he should mention that it’s Kame who told him the hearsay, even if the man has confronted Jin about it already. “They said he’s been really touchy with some girls. But he’s with Kamenashi. I’m worried.”
“Sure, he cheats.” No hesitation at all, simple statement. Something withers and dies then in his chest. His hand feels cold as he holds on to the phone, feeling miserable. It’s all wrong and confusing.
How can Jin do it when Kame is so amazing and deserves so much better?
“You think so?” he croaks shakily to the phone, sitting up straighter on the chair. It doesn’t feel like there’s enough oxygen in the room, and even if there is, it doesn’t feel worth breathing. “How come?”
“Look,” Ryo sighs. He sounds informed and knowledgeable which worries Yamapi. He feels like an outsider. How come no one ever talked with him about this? “It’s Jin’s problem. He has some issues, it makes him feel better. He didn’t want to tell you because you’d judge him. You’re a bit like… that, you know.”
“Like what?” There’s a hollow feeling in his chest that spreads. For once he actually feels excluded by his friends. The bonds they share feel loose. It’s like something he’s done everything to nurture but others have ignored.
“Good, you know. Your conscience is… well… You make things black and white sometimes,” Ryo tries to explain sleepily with a grunt. “Look, he just doesn’t want you to think lowly of him. He’d tell you but he’s a scared asshole, you know how he can be sometimes. He respects your opinion, which is exactly why he doesn’t want it. You wouldn’t get it. You don’t understand things like these.”
“I don’t?”
“You don’t,” Ryo presses strongly. “Try to sleep on it, will you?” he suggests, sounding very nonchalant about their topic. Ryo’s always had something of a superiority complex. Sometimes it shows. His advice is good a lot of the time when he really means it.
“Yeah,” Yamapi agrees. He doesn’t know if he can, though. Tonight doesn’t feel like his night. He rarely has problems, but now he does. Kamenashi’s worries are starting to become his worries. “What about Kamenashi?” he spurts out, unable to stop himself.
The silence drags on. Ryo’s breathing, taking his time to articulate an answer of sorts for him.
“He just has to live with it if he can’t get it out of Jin.”
“That simple?” Yamapi chuckles darkly. He feels offended for Kame’s sake. There are moments when he doesn’t click with his friends and their ideology. Perhaps he’s too much of a romantic. Ryo is strictly realistic. “’He just has to live with it’?”
“Sticking around is his own choice, no one is making him,” Ryo hums sleepily. There’s more shuffling - he’s probably half-asleep again, head resting on the pillow. He’s not disconnecting, though. Maybe he does have a worrying tone then. He hopes he isn’t too obvious.
He shouldn’t keep Ryo up if he’s so tired. There’s nothing the man can do anymore either, other than possibly infuriate him. No one can do anything. Not when Kame is sleeping next to a man he’s hopelessly in love with, a man who treats him like trash.
His eyes burn. He sniffs a little and bites his lip, trying to hold back his emotions. Ryo’s quiet, either listening to the quiet sounds he’s making worriedly or falling asleep without a care. He doesn’t know. It’s hard to know with Ryo, because it really could be either.
“Good night,” he finally mumbles. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“It’s okay,” the other man yawns as an answer. “Try to get some sleep. Good night to you too.”
The line disconnects. His eyes sting but the tears won’t come. He’s exhausted beyond belief and he’s supposed to have energy to run around and have a look out for children all day long at work today. Children, the fruits of happy relationships. Actual commitment.
His head hurts so much.
He gets up from the chair and discards the blanket. He doesn’t bother with the curtains, he’s going to open them in the morning anyway. The sound of the dishwasher hums, breaking the silence. The apartment feels empty.
He crashes back into bed and buries his head in his pillow, which smells like Kame. He’s still got his phone in his hands and he contemplates about texting the man. Should he even push his luck and do something stupid and courageous like clearly confess his love in the text message?
In the end he doesn’t, though. Kame’s got enough problems already and besides, he’s probably sleeping soundly. He’s warm and at peace, wrapped in arms of a person who loves him too, just like he does. As long as he’s sleeping he’s got everything he could ever want apart from Yamapi. Yamapi who’s here, alone, unable to do else than think of him in pain.
Maybe it’s the hope of them being together that gives him so much pain. If that’s the case, he’s dug his own grave. There’s no one else he can blame for it, not even Kame for taking his offer. He’d been the one who should’ve kept his head clear.
If Kame would just leave Jin, some of the pain could be over. He wouldn’t have to worry so much over a relationship that isn’t even his.
It takes him a while, but he does dose off. He sleeps soundly, and when he wakes up, he has no recollection of the dream’s he’s had during the night. The bed might be empty, but it’s warm and the scent that lingers is calming.
Getting up is harder.
--
He picks Kame up from the café. It’s raining quite heavily but Kame’s got his clear umbrella protecting him from the majority of the raindrops. His jeans are slightly wet from knee down though, and the water from the puddles forming on the ground splashes as he makes his way over to the passenger’s seat, pulls the door open and steps in, shaking the majority of the water off his umbrella.
“Evening,” Yamapi greets fondly, watching as Kame stuffs the umbrella next to his feet and slams the door shut before turning to face him. He’s smiling, gentle yet radiant as he leans over, hand on Yamapi’s cheek as he greets him with a brief kiss.
The rain drums against the windshield and Yamapi smiles against Kame’s lips. He feels comfortable as they withdraw to sit back in their own seats, smiles on their faces. Nowadays Kame’s relaxed during their encounters as well, genuinely delighted to spend some time together.
He talks to Kame about the children as he drives home. He tells him silly little stories like how Rikako-chan received her first innocent little peck from Masami-kun and how Tomoya-kun cried when he was too scared to climb down from the little tree in the yard where he had gotten himself to. The radio plays classics on the background calmingly and it’s all good. Kame listens, takes part in the conversation by talking about his adorable niece who sounds just as stubborn and special as Kame himself.
At home they get cosy on the couch, wrapped up in each other. Kame’s fingers are threading through his hair affectionately while Yamapi listens to his heartbeat, letting it lull himself into a comfortable haze. He thinks about Kame, thinks about him and Jin. Thinks about Jin cheating.
Things would be so much better if Kame realised that he was the one. Everyone could finally fix themselves, let go of the heavy weights they’re carrying over their shoulders. He wonders if Jin would ever forgive him - he probably would, once he’d realise that it’s not what he wants after all, because there’s no way it can be if he doesn’t love Kame enough to commit.
Kame never knew of better, not before him at least. He tells him about some relationships he’s had in the past while struggling with a difficult Jin determined to do everything but step down from his high spot to become his. Tells about strained relationships, not being able to give enough, have it all slide through his fingers like water. It’s moments like those when Yamapi kisses him and searches for eye contact, makes sure Kame knows he isn’t going anywhere because he has enough, and even if this weren’t enough, he knows he’s acquiring more with every meeting they have. He knows he’s wrapping himself around Kame’s heart, feels it when they cuddle up or have sex. Everything’s different compared to when they started off. Kame’s melting.
“I’ve been thinking,” Kame says quietly when it’s nearing eleven o’clock already and they both know he should start getting home soon before Jin starts suspecting something. “About us,” he mumbles and licks his lips. Yamapi pecks the mole on his forearm and entwines their fingers on Kame’s lap. “Whether this is smart or not.”
“Uh huh,” Yamapi prompts him to go on, trying to hide his anxiousness. He’s pretty sure Kame isn’t going to break up with him though, not this fast. Not that they could even break up, when they never agreed on ‘being together’ in the first place. “So?”
“I don’t know. Nowadays I don’t really know much,” Kame sighs heavily, extending and curling the fingers of his hand holding Yamapi’s. “It’s weird. Not knowing,” he continues with a slight strain in his voice. Yamapi lies down on the couch to rest his head on Kame’s lap. “Don’t you think so?”
“I don’t think it is,” Yamapi sighs, kissing Kame’s knuckles. “But I don’t think this is enough,” he admits, deciding it’s alright to voice out his opinion, guide Kame to the right direction because it’s where they’re already going anyway. He doesn’t know much about the future, he has no idea whether their relationship will be once and for all or just a phase before Kame realises there’s a much wider world out there without either of them. Still, for now, none of this feels like enough. “This thing between us.”
“But would more be right?” Kame ponders, tilting his head apathetically. He’s lost somewhere far away in his thoughts, but Yamapi’s still his anchor, giving him a tiny speck of reality, this moment right here. “What if we both find out it’s not what we want after all?”
“Then we’ll let go of it, of course,” Yamapi tells softly and raises his free hand to caress Kame’s cheek. It feels soft against his fingers, giving in to his touch. Kame’s looking at him. He looks serious about this conversation. “Go see the world. Find where we belong.”
“Do you think we’ll find where we belong?” Kame asks silently, looking at the window. It’s still raining and the raindrops are drawing lines on the glass as they race down, colliding and merging. “How do we know when we get there?”
Yamapi needs a moment to think in silence. He listens to their breathing as he wonders about it, all of it. This and everything he might ever imagine. “We don’t want to leave,” is what he finally settles for. “We’ll know nothing will ever make us feel like that.”
“Like what?” Kame urges him to go on. He squeezes his hand, searching for confirmation and Yamapi thinks that maybe it’s here - maybe this is where they belong, together. He closes his eyes and feels it, the atmosphere and Kame’s presence, wondering if they’ll soon come across the final discovery.
“Like we belong,” he answers with a certain voice and lets the feeling spread in his chest. “As simple as that.”
Kame pushes him off his lap and lies on top of him, curled up over his chest. Yamapi hardly ever thinks things are perfect because there’s no way something like that can exist, but he thinks this comes very, very close. He caresses Kame’s back and looks at his ruffled hair spread all over his chest, wondering how Kame can still hesitate about this.
“I should go home,” Kame says but he doesn’t move. Yamapi hugs him closer against him and looks at the window. “I really should.”
“It’s raining, though,” Yamapi offers him helpfully in a soft voice. Kame wants an excuse, something that sounds reasonable enough. He exhales deeply over Yamapi’s chest as Yamapi draws circles on his scalp. “You could stay.”
“Because it’s raining?” Kame mumbles thoughtfully. “Hmm. I might’ve misplaced my umbrella, though. You don’t want me to get soaked and ill. You’re caring like that.” Yamapi chuckles amusedly as an answer. It sounds good enough, as long as Jin doesn’t decide to pick Kame up.
Kame fishes out his mobile phone from his pocket and starts typing the text. Yamapi doesn’t see what he’s writing, but he sees colourful rows of emoticons and exclamation marks flooding the screen. He chuckles in Kame’s nape and holds his hips gently.
When Kame finishes, he slips the phone back in his pocket and turns to lie over him with their chests pressed together. Yamapi smiles at him as he tilts his head for another moist kiss. The wet sound of their lips echoes temptingly between them, making their cheeks flush. Yamapi buries his fingers in Kame’s hair and breathes against his lips in between the kisses, in between Kame’s heated nibs and pulls.
He wonders if this whole love triangle is dangerously nearing its end. If it is, though, he might just as well stand at the end to collect the prize with his chest about to explode.
--
The times they spend with all three of them around are the hardest now. He recalls how they used to be with Kame and Jin snuggling up to each other and him sitting, feeling lonely and alone from afar. Now, though, it’s more than that because now Kame spends a great deal of time staring at him even when Jin’s talking to him. There’s an obvious strain on their relationship.
They’re partying in a big group at a club. Tonight isn’t for much conversation - it’s for getting piss drunk, dancing and hooking up if not already taken. A few of their married friends are around too, and quite a few others too. Uchi and Jin are chatting about something near the bar counter and Ryo is dancing with some girl so it’s easy for Kame to tug on Yamapi’s hand and pull him through the crowd somewhere more secluded like for a smoke outside.
“How’s it going? Between you two,” Yamapi finally decides to ask. They’re alone now with no one eaves dropping on them, and he feels better about this, having intimate conversation with the younger man. Kame’s lips press tightly together and he releases the smoke through his nose.
“Don’t,” he simply mutters before taking another drag. He’s stressed and anxious, Yamapi knows, because Kame doesn’t usually smoke much. He’s more prone to it when under pressure. “Just don’t. Please.”
“Okay then,” Yamapi answers with a sigh and falls silent again. He takes the cigarette from Kame and takes a drag himself before returning it to Kame who’s quick to inhale more. It’s quite nerve-wrecking. The light atmosphere is gone, and so is the little electric pull between them.
Kame looks exhausted. Yamapi might’ve had a few drinks, but he’s sober enough to understand that Kame isn’t exactly in a party mood. He wonders why he didn’t cancel, but then again he doesn’t - he’s here with Jin after all.
“Being the driver sucks,” Kame laughs bitterly as he takes another cigarette from his case and lights it up. “I feel excluded, you know. Everyone else is getting drunk and having fun and I just don’t feel like anything is fun anymore. It’s frustrating.”
“Hmm,” Yamapi hums softly, letting Kame know that he’s listening. Kame leans against the wall and closes his eyes, the end of the cigarette burning red in his hands. There are dark bags under his eyes, something he hasn’t quite detected inside the club yet. Must be all the lights.
The eyeliner really suits him though. Yamapi takes his hand and entwines their fingers. Kame doesn’t resist. He opens his eyes and looks at him. He really doesn’t look happy. Yamapi squeezes his hand a bit more tightly, and Kame’s lips turn upwards, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Is everything alright?” he asks quietly. Kame nods and takes another drag before moving to stand in front of him. He embraces him softly and buries his face in Yamapi’s chest. It makes Yamapi nervous - he isn’t drunk enough to feel calm about hugging Kame when Jin and the others might show up any second, when they are so close with just a wall behind them.
“I’m just having a bad day,” Kame finally sighs and withdraws. The cigarette returns to his lips and he’s brushing his exposed forearms anxiously, probably starting to get cold. “I’m sorry. I’m alright, just frustrated.”
“Good,” Yamapi nods, unsure of how he should behave. The conversation dies and Kame finishes his cigarette in silence. He stomps it and they start heading back inside, Kame walking in front of him. The music is starting to hurt Yamapi’s ears and he thinks he needs another drink, but wonders if it will offend Kame even more. He doesn’t want him to feel too excluded.
“Where’s Jin?” Kame asks as they make their way back to the table. Shige and Koyama are having a drinking game, which Koyama is rapidly losing. The others are cheering them on. Jin isn’t anywhere to be seen, though. Yamapi can spot Ryo still on the dance floor, along with a few others.
Kame looks stiff and anxious. Yamapi puts a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry,” he tells him with a sure voice. “He’s probably just off dancing somewhere. Or at the bathroom.”
“Yeah,” Kame answers, eyes wide and angry. He’s tight-lipped as he folds his arms and sits down on the couch with the others. Yamapi doesn’t - there’s no space left for him. He looks at Shige and Koyama go for more drinks and people throwing more bets on the table.
It’s really loud, but Kame’s really silent. He looks like a ticking time-bomb, ready to explode. Yamapi kind of wants to take him away but he doesn’t dare with the aura the man has. He’s intimidating as minutes pass by and Koyama finally loses. Others start hurrying him towards the bathroom as he feels sick and wobbly. Yamapi is just about to sit down when Kame gets up on his feet and moves.
“Where are you going?” he asks, turning around to look after the man who’s pushing through the crowd. He waves his hand to the others as he jogs after the man. He doesn’t look stable enough mentally to move around alone, for the good of everyone who might irritate him further. It’s kind of funny considering the fact that Kame’s probably one of the rare few people in the bar completely sober.
“I’m looking for Jin,” the man snaps back at him. “Just go back, I’ll be back once I find him. He’s taking awhile, he might be puking somewhere again. He goes overboard sometimes.” Kame’s right about it, but his words feel empty and soulless. He’s genuinely worried though, but it’s more at the verge of his paranoia again. Yamapi grabs him by his wrists and forces him to stop. Some people collide against them, apologize and wander away. Kame’s staring at him furiously, eyes sparkling under the strobe lights. They’re glossy.
“He wouldn’t,” Yamapi tells him calmly. “Take it easy.”
”Don’t tell me to take it easy,” Kame snorts coldly and glares at him, yanking his hands away. “You trust people too easily. Well, sometimes they aren’t to be trusted. You and I are a perfect example of that, too.”
His words hurt and Yamapi grimaces. The DJ changes the track to some upbeat one and people cheer, rush to the dance floor. There’s laughter and chattering everywhere, people having a good time. Then there’s Kame. Kame, who looks like he might tear the world into pieces if prompted enough.
“Stop that,” Yamapi tries as Kame starts pushing through the crowd again, trying to look around in his search for his boyfriend. It’s hurtful and offending when he’s right here and Jin’s seriously probably just in the bathroom. Or maybe they just didn’t bump into each other as Jin went out for a smoke. There’s really no saying. “Kame, stop that,” he tries again and wraps his fingers around Kame’s wrist. The man’s breathing is rapid and anxious. He’s really losing it.
“I need to find him,” Kame announces to him, looking lost and irrational. If he didn’t know that the man was completely sober, he’d start suspecting drug use. He doesn’t think the crowd is doing miracles for Kame. Clubs aren’t his place. Not really. “If you have to stay around, help me find him. Just. Please,” he gasps shakily, looking around again. “I shouldn’t ask this from you. But I just need to find him.”
“He could be back at the table,” Yamapi suggests softly, trying to remain calm because Kame isn’t and he really needs someone to keep him sane right now. He’s never seen him like this before. “We could check?” he suggests but Kame shakes his head anxiously.
“Bathrooms. He could be in the bathrooms,” the younger man reasons and starts making his way to the nearest one. Yamapi sighs and follows, deciding it might actually be worth a try. He’s taking his sweet time if that’s the case, though.
Kame steps in the men’s bathroom. He eyes through the people washing their hands or taking a piss at the urinals, one hardly standing up and missing the urinal by a lot. “Jin?” he calls out and walks towards the stalls, knocking on the occupied doors. “Jin, are you here?”
No answer. Yamapi shrugs at Kame who turns on his heels and heads out. Yamapi jogs after him and tries not to let too many people between them so that he won’t lose sight of the man. He really doesn’t look good.
“There’s still one bathroom on the second floor,” Yamapi notes and Kame looks around, searching for the staircase. He finally locates the spiral stairs at the far corner and starts heading over. He looks close to tears. They must’ve had it pretty rough at home then, he assumes. Bad enough for Kame to be genuinely scared of Jin doing something stupid.
“It’s alright, Kame, really,” he tries to reassure Kame, even though it’s not really working in his favour. He doesn’t care about idiotic selfish shit like that now, though. All he cares about is Kame calming down and feeling better. “You could try to call him.”
“Call,” Kame realises and fishes the phone from his pocket. “But it’s too loud,” he finally notes anxiously, looking around helplessly. “There’s no way he’ll hear it. Or I’ll hear what he’s saying and vice versa.” He has a point. In the end he texts him quickly before putting his phone back in his pocket and continuing his way.
“Aren’t you waiting for him to answer?” Yamapi tries desperately, walking beside him. “We could go and sit down, wait for him to come back. Who knows, he could be looking for you too.”
“He might not. He might not even answer,” Kame stutters anxiously with a shaky voice. “It’s a good excuse, isn’t it? ‘I didn’t hear it.’ Doesn’t that sound easy to you?” It does, Yamapi has to admit to himself, but there’s no way he’ll say it aloud. Kame’s feeding on the paranoia in his own words as he runs to the excluded corridor with a bathroom sign. It’s dim with just a few neon green lights illuminating the corridor. The bathrooms are for both sexes, actual rooms rather than stalls. Yamapi gets the chills and hopes to god Jin won’t actually be here, because the place is shady enough as it is.
“He’s not here,” he tries to tell Kame. “Come on, let’s go,” he continues. Kame’s swallowing anxiously, unable to see inside the toilets. “Kame,” Yamapi calls for him again, trying to help him snap out of it. Kame turns his head to him and starts walking again, god knows where this time.
A door opens. Yamapi turns his head by instinct before colliding into Kame who’s frozen on spot. Jin steps out with his hair ruffled. Kame stares at him, alarmed. Jin looks like he’s caught doing something bad.
He wouldn’t, would he? Not really. Jin’s looking at him too before starting to walk over but Kame pushes his way past him and yanks the door open, revealing a woman who looks startled. She throws her bag over her shoulder and walks away, heels clanking, not even saying a word to Kame’s blank face, only glaring at him like he’s some kind of pervert.
It’s silent. Yamapi looks at Jin, meets his gaze. Jin’s eyes are wide and alarmed. There’s really no question in what he’s been doing, none at all. It’s so painfully obvious it’s shocking. No matter how many warnings he’s gotten about this he doesn’t think he would’ve been able to prepare himself to comprehend it.
Kame’s far worse, though. He isn’t turning around, isn’t doing anything. Jin runs his hand through his hair and turns towards his boyfriend, drunk but aware of the explosive nature of the situation.
Yamapi feels like he’s butting in to something personal. He shouldn’t be here. Not for this.
“Kame, let’s go home,” Jin suggests. He looks like a puppy waiting for a beating, shoulders raised and stiff. Kame takes a step back from the door but doesn’t turn around.
Yamapi wonders if he’s crying.
“Baby,” Jin croaks and walks over to his boyfriend, steps faster than usually. He tries to place a hand on Kame’s shoulder but the man shoves it away shakily, still speechless. Now he’s turned around though, eyes glistening and face white. He doesn’t look like he’s about to break down and cry, though.
Yamapi’s never seen Jin as scared as he looks when Kame glares at him furiously before stumbling his way past him, refusing to look back. Kame looks both alert and in a haze, trying to figure out his own emotions. “Kame, it’s not like that,” Jin tries and moves again, takes a few steps towards them. Kame turns around to face him, eyes flaming hell’s fire. “Kazu, I’m so sorry. Can we just please go home now?”
"You know what, Jin, it's alright," Kame spits at him with his face morphed into furious disgust. "It's fucking alright," he chuckles darkly and locks arms with Yamapi who feels cold tremors running through his body. Kame looks at him, searching for confirmation, urging him to take a leap of faith, follow his heart and abandon one of his oldest friendships for a beautiful thing called love.
He looks at Jin who, unsurprisingly, doesn't understand. His eyes are wide and he still looks breathless, dishevelled and panicky as he stands there with his hair in disarray, only barely managing not to make a pitiful lunge at Kame, who looks like he can shoot deadly shards of ice with his eyes.
Jin has crossed the line, Yamapi understands. He can feel the slight tremors of Kame's body, feel him gruesomely breaking underneath his uncaring mask. Yamapi gulps and entwines their fingers, feels Kame hold on to them tightly as he turns to Jin again, Jin who looks startled and disbelieving.
"I can do better than you," Kame states, his eyes glossy if Yamapi looks at them hard enough. "We're over," the faithful gasp leaves Kame's lips. He sounds breathless too, kind of out of what he's actually doing. It's for the best, though, Yamapi knows. It'd break him as well to see Kame continue being treated the way he is. "I'm done with you."
“Kazu,” Jin murmurs quietly, his eyes wide like a deer’s. He looks from Kame to Yamapi, who wishes Jin would look a little more angry and a little less confused and desperate. “You can’t -”
“I can,” Kame corrects him with a snort, his lips tightly pressed together. “It’s over.” He tastes the words in his mouth like they don’t belong there, surprised by his own action but unyielding. He’s strong, a person who can tackle Mount Everest filled with bloodthirsty beasts if necessary. Jin might be his biggest challenge yet, but he’s frozen Kame’s warm core. He’s humiliated and disregarded him, something he doesn’t tolerate very well.
“I can have someone else too,” Kame speaks, his words slurring together painfully as he looks at Yamapi again. Jin seems to finally question the nature of their relationship. Yamapi flinches, feels Kame let go of his hand to tug him a bit closer and wrap his arm around his hips. It’s clear now, out in the open. Jin looks pale, on the verge of breaking. “I’m done with your shit.”
“I love you,” Jin insists with a low and shaky voice, hands shaking. “I need you. You know I’ve always loved you. You know that.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Kame answers, trying to swallow back his tears. His squeeze tightens worryingly. He’s looking for more strength, support, Yamapi knows. Yamapi drapes his own arm around Kame’s lower back and swallows harshly, trying to shake off Jin’s miserable begging. Kame can’t give in now. He needs him. Kame is the victim here.
“Let’s go,” he suggests quietly. Kame blinks furiously, masking his sorrow with despise. He doesn’t turn his eyes away from Jin as Yamapi starts dragging him away. Jin finally moves, rushing after them desperately, air knocked out of his lungs.
“KAME!” he exclaims and Yamapi speeds up, dragging Kame through the crowd so harshly the man snaps out of his daze to pick up the speed and make sure he doesn’t collide with anyone. Kame’s grip on his hand makes him fear for his bones but it’s alright - the look in Kame’s eyes is frantic and he can hear the sound of Jin dashing after them, not too far behind.
They crash through the doors without collecting their coats from the cloakroom. The sound of traffic is overwhelming and then it’s Kame guiding him, more alert with his surroundings. He’s pushed into the car and the door slams shut. He raises his head, pants and watches from the window as Kame runs to the driver’s seat. Then he’s inside, shoving the key in with trembling hands, missing the slot several times before managing to start the engine.
He jumps in his seat as palms slam against his window. Jin. He’s knocking and speaking something but Kame turns the radio on before Yamapi manages to make out his words. He looks at Kame who’s staring at Jin wildly and challengingly, pressing the gas pedal with his foot.
Jin jumps back before running again, stopping in front of the car so that Kame has to brake. Kame roars in fury and opens the window just a bit, bellowing obscenities at Jin, demanding him to get the fuck off the road or he’s going to drive over him.
Yamapi wouldn’t put it past him. Not when he watches him. Kame shouldn’t be behind the wheel in this condition. He might as well kill them all.
“Kame, please,” Jin slurs speedily, his palms pressed against Kame’s window. He’s crouched down, his face not many centimetres apart from the glass. His eyes have a red tinge but Kame’s glaring at him with a clear message, his stubborn mind refusing to be changed. “Don’t go. Please, don’t go. We can fix this, you know we can, we can do it.”
“I’ve tried to fix it for eight fucking years, right from the start,” Kame answers with a furiously trembling voice, a tear making its way down his cheek. “Maybe you should’ve thought about that then. You’re a bit too late now.”
“Kame, don’t,” Jin tries with a firmer voice. He tries the door handle but Kame’s locked it already, foreseeing Jin’s desperate action. He presses the gas again and the car jolts forwards. Jin stumbles a little, still trying to keep up. “KAME! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, LET’S TALK! Talk to me, Kame, don’t - ”
The corners of Kame’s mouth turn miserably downwards but his gaze is determined as he drives. Yamapi watches from the mirror as Jin’s form gets smaller and smaller as it falls behind, still running as fast as his body lets him. He feels awfully hollow, unable to say a word. Kame turns the volume up until he can’t even focus on his own thoughts properly.
Kame wipes the tear from his cheek as he drives. Yamapi considers telling him to pull over, insisting on driving because Kame isn’t calm now. He’s sure Kame will refuse, though - driving is the only thing that lets him keep himself collected right now. He turns the wheel, watches the signs and observes the other cars carefully. They’re not driving to Jin’s place but Yamapi’s - Kame is planning on staying over for the time being, then. It’s good. He’d worry otherwise.
Yamapi grits his teeth together and turns the radio down. Kame glances at him briefly, his breathing speeding up. Yamapi leans back against the backrest of his seat and looks forward, trying to calm himself down too.
“It’s going to be alright, you know,” he notes with a sure voice. Kame blinks his eyes as he stops at the red lights. He watches the cars drive past them. Yamapi takes one of his hands from the wheel, rubs it gently with his thumb and locks eyes with Kame who’s still a shaky mess under the stubbornness.
“I promise,” he says slowly, tasting every syllable in his mouth and knowing that he means it. Kame smiles at him a bit, even though his attempt ends up looking a bit bitter. Yamapi kisses his knuckles and lets go, letting Kame position his hand back on the wheel. “You can count on me.”
“I’m counting on you,” Kame nods, sounding strained and determined. “For god’s sake, I’m really counting on you right now.”
“I won’t let you down,” Yamapi assures him, his heart hammering in his chest guiltily. “It’s about time you got loved properly, isn’t it?”
The light turns from red to green and Kame instinctively presses on the pedal again. His eyes are gleaming before his tears start falling. His crying is unsettling but understandable. It must hurt, still. Yamapi can only hope Kame can see the road from behind his tears.
“Yeah,” the younger man croaks behind his choked sobs. “I guess.”
He’s sniffing and crying for the rest of the ride while Yamapi sits and listens to the radio. There’s a podcast about the current hits, none of which he particularly likes. Once they arrive at his place and get out of the car, he takes the car keys from Kame, wraps his arm around his shoulder and guides him inside.
Kame locks himself in the bathroom for a few hours. He’s got the shower on but it doesn’t hide his sobs. He wonders what he should feel, what Kame feels.
He can only hope to make it better.
--
--> part 4/4