fic: Baby, Take Me Down (2/4)
He stops visiting the café after that evening at the bar. There’s no way he can continue going there and pretending like nothing ever happened, like everything is alright. Instead, on Monday he buys his lunch from a convenience store on his way to work and eats without leaving the building. It feels much safer that way.
His head is still spinning about the revelation. He wonders how fucking stupid can he really be, how he can let himself get fooled like that. The betrayal is bitter and it feels so weird to think that the Kamenashi behind the counter whom he’s been looking at and admiring for so long can suddenly turn into such a person. It just doesn’t feel right. He must have read him wrong all along.
The day passes by slowly. A bruised knee, a lot of bawling, stubborn complaining and refusal to eat during lunch and snack time - his typical day. He tries to calm down explosive fights among the little children and keep them from doing forbidden things and hurting themselves. He’d always known his profession would be stressing, but he doesn’t think he ever fully understood just how stressing before he actually started working five days a week. And that was already years and years ago.
He’s exhausted when he gets home, ready to turn the lights off and hit the sack. He’s unfortunate enough to realise it isn’t going to happen as soon as he parks his car and detects a dangerously familiar figure standing before the front doors with his arms crossed.
Goddammit. He gets out of his vehicle, locks the doors with a loud beep and heads towards the doors, unhappy about the turn of events. Is a little privacy for sorting things out in his head first too much to ask for?
When Kamenashi detects his presence he licks his lip nervously and opens his folded arms. He stretches them a little and rocks on his heels, observing Yamapi as he warily heads closer. He doesn’t know why Kamenashi is here, he doesn’t know what he wants but he looks quite far from seductive now after their awkward meeting at the bar. He looks mostly analytical and calculative as Yamapi makes his way over.
“We need to talk,” Kamenashi announces the reason for his presence when he’s close enough. His voice sounds strained as if he would be anticipating something really nasty from his part. He’s got something to lose then, huh. “If that’s alright with you. I’d like to explain.”
“You’ve got a lot of explaining to do,” Yamapi snorts coolly as he fishes his keys from his back pocket and pushes them in the slot. He unlocks the door and Kamenashi shifts hesitantly, probably unsure if Yamapi expects him to follow him inside or not. Yamapi sighs and bites his lip as he turns to look at the anxious man. “Come on in.”
“Thanks,” Kamenashi heaves in relief. He follows him to the lift where Yamapi presses the floor number. There’s no music, ridiculous things like that only exist in expensive buildings for either rich people or desired customers. They don’t exchange another word before they’re already at his doorstep, greeted by a welcome mat. Yamapi searches for the right key on his keychain and opens the door, making his way in the tiny foyer. Kamenashi follows him silently and helpfully closes the door behind him. Yamapi hears the soft click of the lock and grows nervous as he kicks his sneakers out. Kamenashi’s shoes soon follow his and they both straighten up their postures. The sound of their breathing is anguishing. He’s probably paying too much attention to it, overwhelmed by the physical closeness.
“How long are you staying?” he asks as he takes Kamenashi’s jacket and hangs it on the clothing rack he has just outside his foyer. Kamenashi follows him inside, familiar with the surroundings already. The last time he was here was different, though. Then Yamapi had felt like they could be anything. Now Kamenashi isn’t the attractive cashier in his favourite café anymore, though, no - he’s Kame, his best friend’s long-term boyfriend. Way out of his limits.
Kamenashi shrugs, walking past him. He looks a bit lost and confused himself, attempting to conclude for how long Yamapi will bother with him before kicking him out. “A while,” he answers unsurely, sticking to uncertainty. “Are you busy?”
“Not really,” Yamapi admits, trying not to walk too close to Kamenashi as he passes him by on the cramped corridor. “Would you like something? Tea?” he decides to offer because he sure feels like some tea could help him calm down his tingling nerves. Kamenashi nods and sits on one of Yamapi’s dining chairs, watching him intensely as he starts taking cups and a pot from the cupboards.
“Has Jin told you anything?” Kamenashi asks him bluntly, poking with a stick to see how informed Yamapi already is of things. Which he isn’t very much - he does remember this ‘Kame’ popping up in his speech every now and then for years and he’s always seemed a little protective and secretive when it comes to him, but he doesn’t have any clear knowledge of things between the two.
“Apart from you two dating? Not really,” he answers truthfully as he pours water to the pot. “Should I know something? About Thursday evening?” About Kamenashi fucking him even though he’s in a relationship with someone else. Giving him false hope and a punch in the stomach.
Kamenashi draws in a shaky breath. He gulps and entwines his fingers, head slightly bowed. He’s leaning to his elbows which he has positioned on the table. Yamapi furrows his brow, unable to feel emotionally withdrawn. He’s had a thing for Kamenashi for ages already anyway.
“It’s not really working,” Kamenashi admits with a bitter tone. Yamapi meets his glare from across the room, studies his eyes, the way they narrow at the corners. He looks like there’s a heavy weight on his shoulders. “He’s cheating on me.”
“Weren’t you the one cheating on him,” Yamapi notes, because really - who is Kamenashi to preach? Kamenashi’s nostrils widen and his lips press tightly together. He looks kind of dangerous as he sits there, still but explosive. “Just saying.”
“That was only once,” Kamenashi defends himself with a strained voice. He’s speaking louder now and his voice is more certain. He’s determined to convince Yamapi, no matter what it takes. “I’ve never done it before, honestly. It’s just that I thought we were already over this. After we got together properly,” he mumbles, looking out of the window to keep his distance. “My friend saw him being touchy with another girl, though. I confronted him and he denied it. Then I… I checked his texts,” Kamenashi admits and buries his face in his hands shamefully. “I don’t know. I just got so angry at him. I thought I’d sleep with someone and tell him, just to hurt him back. But I couldn’t. Especially after I learned that you were his… I can’t do that to you,” he sighs deeply and bites his knuckles nervously. “I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to include you in this mess.”
“Why don’t you just break up with him then?” Yamapi suggests. It’s the most plausible solution in his mind. If Kamenashi is so unhappy, why stick around for a jerk? “Not that I’d believe you. Jin… he has friends, sure, but cheating is…”
“I’m not lying,” Kamenashi cuts in, starting to look hostile. He’s on the defensive. It’s understandable, Yamapi guesses. The pot whistles on the stove and he removes it carefully, carrying it to the table. Kamenashi looks a bit sickly and pale. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“Jin is my friend,” Yamapi reminds him as he hands him a mug with some silly English text. “You already fooled me once.”
“I’m not lying,” Kamenashi repeats desperately, his shoulders rigid. “I’ve known him for eight years. We’ve tried to make it work for eight fucking years. He never even told you about me. Not before recently.”
“Well, maybe he just doesn’t want to be with you?” Yamapi tries to suggest helpfully as he pours them both tea with his shaky hands, trying not to sound too much like an ass about it. “I’ve seen him with people. When he wants to be with someone he really invests everything he has in the relationship.”
“But I’m a man,” Kamenashi splutters. “I think he’s always had some kind of problem with that.”
Yamapi thinks back to Jin, thinks back to confessing his own bisexuality and talking it out with Jin. He recalls the way Jin awkwardly admitted his own sexuality as well, shrugging with his lips thoughtfully pursed. He doesn’t really know. “He isn’t homophobic,” he decides to say, just to defend his friend.
Kamenashi shakes his head in agreement but opens his mouth for an argument anyway. “It’s not in his ideology in general, I think,” he shares his view insistently. “But I don’t think he himself wants to spend the rest of his life with a man. He’s very… sensitive about it. He never really cares much when people judge him, but when it comes to that he can be very defensive.”
“Then maybe you should reconsider your relationship,” Yamapi sighs. He takes a small swig from his mug and burns the tip of his tongue before he sets it back down again with a cringe. Not a good idea, even if it meant getting something to do for his hands. Kamenashi’s staring at him painfully, though, now that he looks at him again. He tries to swallow the lump from his throat. “If you’ve had that problem for so many years I doubt it’ll just magically go away. Maybe you can’t fix it.”
“When I was eighteen he came to see me at my school one day.” Kamenashi’s blinking furiously and fiddling with his teaspoon. His gaze is cast down to his hands, but otherwise he appears to be calm and collected. “It was after school. We were at the auditorium, there’s a piano there. He… insisted that I sit next to him on the seat,” Kamenashi remembers and smiles a little. It doesn’t fully reach his eyes, not with the melancholy he’s experiencing, but he looks a little warmer with the memory. “He played me this song, you know. He had composed it himself, for me. He just told me to shut up and not say a word before he finished.”
“He’s good with the piano,” Yamapi nods anxiously. He doesn’t know why he has to listen to this, why he has to listen to Kamenashi mourning over his relationship with his best friend when it’s so obvious he’s falling for him faster than he can prevent it. It’d be a little too painful to tell him to leave, though, so he remains seated where he is, prepared to listen to Kamenashi talking just a bit more, about things other than the café menu and weather.
Kamenashi nods, drawing in a shaky breath. “He is,” he agrees with a softer voice. It’s the first time Yamapi actually detects the genuine love in his features, his expression. He feels all of his remaining hope flushing down the drain as Kamenashi licks his lips and cocks his head a little, trying to find words to speak with. “I’m not sure if you’ve heard it. I think eventually he named it Baby Girl. Note the indirectly homophobic attitude again,” Kamenashi snorts and rolls his eyes. “But… I don’t know. I had already almost given up hope at that point. I was just waiting to find the strength to let go. Then he composed that song to me and I listened and… After that I just knew he felt the same,” he grimaces ashamedly and scratches his nose, raising his gaze to meet Yamapi’s dulled one. “I decided I’ll keep fighting for it until we get to where we’re supposed to be with the feelings we have. I refuse to give up.”
“I’ve heard Baby Girl,” Yamapi answers quietly, warming his fingertips with the tea mug. It burns but he can’t withdraw his hands. It feels like it’s his last thread to hold on. “So he wrote it for you.” He remembers hearing Jin play it to himself many years ago, lost somewhere in his own thoughts. He’d asked about the song’s origins then, pestering Jin about it with Ryo.
He’d written it for someone special, he had said. Under further inspection he had finally mumbled the title nervously, stumbling with his words like he really wouldn’t want to say them.
Yamapi wonders if his pushiness has been at fault for the incorrect gender in the title, if Jin’s words of writing it to the man in front of him have been true. If he has, he’s genuinely sorry as he detects the worry and hurt gently tangling to Kamenashi’s voice and words.
“So… I’m not sure if you understand,” Kamenashi tries, holding on to his steamy mug anxiously. “But please try to. I didn’t mean to offend you and I’m genuinely sorry. I regret it. I couldn’t just go on without giving you an explanation, it wouldn’t have been fair.”
Yamapi sniffs a little awkwardly, the steam going up his nostrils. People never fail to be complicated. “So there was nothing between us? Ever?”
“I’m sorry.” Kamenashi attempts to give him a small and apologetic smile. He truly is sorry. “Maybe if my situation would be different. But I’ve already found what I want. I’m sorry if I led you on. I just tried to think of someone I would want to do it with and you popped in my mind. I really didn’t know.”
“It’s alright.” It isn’t. But then again, it has to be - he isn’t about to go to Jin to get the weight off his shoulders. Besides, if Kamenashi really is telling the truth, it’s not his business to mess with. The man had just had a moment of poor judgment. “I’ll forget about it. It never happened.”
“It never happened,” comes the relieved confirmation and Kamenashi smiles to him exhaustedly, his muscles relaxing notably. “…It’s good to know you, Yamashita. I really mean it.” He looks like he means it, as unfortunate as the turn in their relationship has been. Yamapi wonders if the yearning ever really goes away.
“Yeah,” he nods, feeling awfully hollow inside. “You too.”
Kamenashi gets up on his feet, his tea sitting on the table untouched. “I should go,” the man tries to excuse himself politely with a small bow. “I’ve got to go grocery shopping before I make dinner. Jin gets kind of cranky when his blood sugar is low.”
“He does,” Yamapi agrees with a laugh he hopes sounds genuine. It’s a good thing people tell him it’s hard to read his emotions from his eyes - people rarely notice when they won’t reach them. He gets up on his feet and walks with Kamenashi to the foyer where he hands the man’s jacket over to him and watches him shove his feet into his shoes. “I’ll see you around then, huh?”
“I guess,” Kamenashi nods with a smile as he straightens up again. He waves his hand as he opens the lock of the door and steps outside. “Bye.”
“Bye.”
He closes the door but doesn’t leave the foyer for a while. He replays the absurd commotion between the two of them, wonders if he’s made the right choices. Is Kamenashi just pulling his leg or what? He sure sounded genuine, but most swindlers do too and if someone successfully cheats without getting caught, they must be experts at it.
He doesn’t dare to confront Jin about it though, just in case. After all, it isn’t only Kamenashi’s neck that’s on the guillotine.
--
Jin looks unimaginably happy whilst stuffing his mouth with a Big Mac. His cheeks are full and puffy, like a rodent’s. He’s chewing with his mouth closed though, thank god. Yamapi has already finished his hamburger and has moved on to the fries which he dips in a tiny carton cup of ketchup.
It’s a typical Wednesday afternoon tradition. They meet up, just the two of them, grab some lunch, mostly from McDonalds, chatter about this and that and just enjoy each other’s company. Wednesday is their day and has been so since secondary school. Sometimes Yamapi thinks years pass too fast to fully comprehend the passage of time.
“We’re moving in together,” Jin munches after swallowing most of the mush in his mouth. He takes a long sip of his coke as Yamapi raises his eyebrows in question - they’re moving fast. Jin’s lived together with a girl once for a couple of months before they broke up. He never really talked about it. “Kame’s rent ends this weekend so I’ll be busy for the rest of the week, helping him move his stuff.”
“Okay,” Yamapi acknowledges - no inviting him to any kinds of parties then. “So you’re serious then?” he prompts Jin to go on. He thinks of Kamenashi’s flushed body pressing against his and the man’s concerned face when discussing cheating issues with him. He wonders if commitment between them is such a good idea after all, but doesn’t dare to voice out his opinion without being fully sure. He’s not going to explain Jin he has a feeling it’s all going to end badly based on one night drinking when everything looked great between the two, except for that one fleeting moment.
“Yeah. Yeah, sure,” Jin nods enthusiastically and bites into his hamburger again. He’s grimacing, though, and Yamapi feels slight tightness creeping up. Kamenashi sounded way more serious about him than he does. It’s kind of worrying. “I mean,” Jin mumbles, still with food in his mouth. He gulps it down in order to be able to speak more freely and shrugs. “I am serious. But we’ve always been a bit… difficult, you know? We clash a lot. And now we’re going through some trouble again. We think moving in together might help it.”
“What kind of problems?” Yamapi prompts, trying to be helpful. He feels guilty, having also taken part in the “trouble” the pair is experiencing. Jin is his best friend after all. It’s only right if he helps to set things straight, should they be that way, or stand by his friend’s side once everything falls apart. He can swallow down his own crush, as insistent and disappointing as it is.
“I don’t know. This and that,” Jin shrugs and purses his lips thoughtfully. “We’ve been talking lately. We need some spark, something to make us… more excited about each other again,” he nods slowly. “You know. Sex-wise. We’re trying that first.”
Yamapi furrows his brow. Kamenashi never mentioned anything about problems on that area. He doesn’t know if it isn’t too personal and embarrassing, though, since they don’t know each other that well. Jin and him, though… well. Sex isn’t the most unusual topic.
“Toys?” he suggests vaguely. “Some kind of kinky foreplay or cosplay?”
“Yeah, maybe,” Jin shrugs again, nervous about discussing it in public. He keeps eyeing the people around, but no one’s paying attention to them - they aren’t speaking very loudly, for once. “Actually,” the man finally continues, gathering up his courage as he turns his eyes back to Yamapi, “we’ve been thinking of a threesome.”
Yamapi’s eyebrows rise. It sounds like the worst solution for them, should someone ask him. “Threesome,” he notes and Jin grimaces, prepared to defend himself. Yamapi tilts his head a little, trying to appear thoughtful. “Why?”
“I don’t know. It’d be exciting?” Jin tries, stealing one of his fries sneakily. “Seeing someone else take him. I don’t know. Somehow that’d turn me on.” So this isn’t about Jin fucking some chick right next to a pained and jealous Kamenashi, then. That’s good at least. “Sharing him.”
“Sharing him,” he repeats with a nod. Jin answers with a nod himself, trying to search his eyes for his genuine opinion. Pi purses his lips and takes a sip of his coke. It’s not his relationship, though. If Jin and Kamenashi have properly discussed it and agreed on it, who’s he to say they’re wrong about it? He knows some couples like that sort of thing, helps them remind how lucky they really are to have each other. “Well, if you think it’ll help you.”
Jin looks relieved now that he’s got Yamapi’s acceptance. He’s smiling a bit again as he steals a whole handful of Yamapi’s fries. Yamapi finishes his own coke and steals Jin’s in return. Jin’s frowning again, eating a fry while leaning against his hand, elbow on the table. “I don’t want anyone to steal him, though. Threesome’s a bit risky. What if the other person is better than me and Kame forgets all about me?”
“I’m sure Kamenashi likes you enough to stay with you.” He does, after all. Yamapi sure as hell wasn’t enough to make him change his love-struck mind. It’s a bit depressing, but maybe it’s for the best. Hooking up with Kamenashi would risk his friendship with Jin. He’d hate himself if that happened.
“He’s hot, isn’t he?” Jin suddenly notes, looking up at him. Yamapi shivers and for a while he’s scared Jin’s figured him out, as slow as the man can be. He tries to act nonchalant as he puts the soda down. “Sexy and desirable.”
“Yeah,” Yamapi admits. There’s no reason to lie here - what should he say, that his best friend’s boyfriend is ugly when he isn’t? They’re aware of each other’s sexualities already and it isn’t the first time they’ve complimented each other’s partners. “He’s quite a package. You sure got lucky.”
“Do you want him?” Jin continues, voice and expression serious. Yamapi’s glad he isn’t drinking anymore - he’d choke if he were still drinking. Instead he peers at his friend, feeling the chills. He wonders if Kamenashi’s told Jin after all, if this is all a scam just to catch him red-handed. His friend looks oblivious to it, though. He’s not a particularly good actor. “You’re my friend so I trust you. And you’re the kind of person I wouldn’t feel too awkward with, you know? Ryo’s straight and he’d be scary anyway,” Jin grimaces and Yamapi fully agrees with a roll of his eyes. “I don’t want him touching Kame. But you’re… you know. You. I think it could work and you’d treat him well too, make sure he feels good and all.”
“Jin,” Yamapi says simply. He’s walking on thin ice, trying not to get caught with already having had relations with Jin’s boyfriend. He doesn’t want it, he tries to tell himself. He doesn’t like Kamenashi enough to seriously go and fuck up his relationship with his best friend. That’d be creepy. Besides, he’s really trying hard to move on and he isn’t there yet. He doesn’t want to slip in bed, right in front of Jin’s eyes.
“Please?” Jin goes to begging more. “I’d feel a lot better if it was with you,” he tries to insist. It’s quite ridiculous, considering Yamapi is probably the most unsafe person he could possibly invite to bed with him and Kamenashi. “We’d all agree on it, it wouldn’t be that awkward.”
“You should ask Kamenashi,” Yamapi tries to dodge the decision making. “You know, we’re quite different, you and me. I might not even turn him on.” Except that he does, from what he knows. He remembers Kamenashi writhing with his eyes closed, fringe glued to his forehead and lips parted as hot and heavy breaths came out. He shouldn’t be thinking about it in public. Especially not in front of Jin. “Just talk to Kamenashi about it, okay?”
“But if he says yes, are you in?” Jin tries to check with him. “If you need thinking time, that’s okay. You can say no too, I won’t push it. It’s just that we really need this and… I mean, you’ve had threesomes before too,” he insists, eating the rest of the fries. “It’s not like it’s your first.”
“That time none of us were dating,” Yamapi mumbles as an answer. “I’d be a third wheel, you know? I don’t really know.” He’d probably say yes if it was anyone but Kamenashi. The problem is that it isn’t. “I don’t even know him that well.” Except for his darkest secret and biggest worry, of course, which already defines him quite well.
“Can I at least suggest you to him?” Jin asks him. Yamapi feels his breathing catching up. Jin looks a bit desperate. “See if he even wants you. I can tell you then and you can think about it. You don’t have to say yes.”
“Okay,” Yamapi agrees, just to get his friend off his back. It’s not like Kamenashi will accept Jin’s offer anyway - he’s sure to come up with some kind of excuse as to why not, because there’s no way the three of them should have sex together. Not under these circumstances. “Yeah, whatever. Just ask. Won’t hurt, I guess.”
Jin’s beaming. They don’t talk about it again that night - they gossip about common friends and their recent dramas with girls and police and whatnot. Yamapi makes it safely back home where he starts closing the curtains peacefully before going to bed.
He’s back from the shower, hair still dripping wet on his shirt as he notices his mobile insistently flashing a tiny light. He walks over and picks it up - a text message from Jin. He gulps anxiously as he presses read.
Kame’s in!!! Yes or no?? :) :) :)
He freezes. His entire apartment is silent. It’s late and he has work tomorrow and he really shouldn’t even consider this. Shouldn’t when his bed is right there and even though he’s changed his sheets already there’s still a faint scent of Kamenashi left lingering.
He sits down on his bed, rereading the text anxiously.
Why on earth would Kamenashi say yes? Why would he want him anymore? It’s just awkward. Didn’t they already agree it was wrong for him to lead him on when he obviously has feelings for him? He just can’t figure the man out, he guesses. He doesn’t know if anything he says is true anymore.
He holds his breath as he answers Jin with a simple OK. He hopes to god Kamenashi’s going to keep his word and not reveal everything furiously while they’re all hotly bundled up together. He feels dangerous, no matter how unintimidating he appears on the outside.
It’s just that he really longs for him, and he’ll never have him. It’s not that selfish for him to have him while trying to help Jin and Kamenashi fix their relationship. He’s not sure if he’s the right tool for that, but Jin trusts him. He’s determined not to betray that trust. Last time he didn’t know. Now he does, he knows what to expect from this before he gets ahead of himself.
It’s just a simple painful and unreturned longing feeling he has for Kamenashi who’s perfectly out of his touch. He’ll start letting go of it later.
--
“Come on in,” Jin encourages him nervously a few days after. It’s Friday night, nearing ten o’clock, and Yamapi hasn’t been able to stay undistracted from anything. He’s flustered as he leaves his shoes and jacket in the foyer and proceeds further inside the house.
Kamenashi’s leaning against the bedroom door. He looks awkward and alert as he bows his head a little and mumbles his greeting. Yamapi does his best to answer while standing next to his best friend who has his arm wrapped around his shoulders. He can’t even begin to describe how embarrassing this whole ordeal is already, and they haven’t even gotten started yet.
Kamenashi’s belongings are everywhere and the apartment looks much more cluttered and cramped now. When they make it to the bedroom and sit down on the bed, Yamapi sees how Jin’s CDs have had to make space for a couple of books and DVDs he can’t recall ever seeing before. The sound of Kamenashi’s breathing makes his hair stand on edge.
“Should we get started then?” Jin suggests with a peep from Kamenashi’s other side. Yamapi turns to look at him and nods in agreement - the sooner they just get over with it, the better. They’ve talked about this already, endless text messages discussing about thing to do and not do.
Kamenashi moves. There’s a rustle and the bed sinks a bit more as he starts unbuttoning Jin’s shirt from top down, fingers clumsy as he proceeds with his task. Jin’s probably filled him in already, discussed things with him too. He knows what to do, he doesn’t have to… It doesn’t have to get awkward, they’ve all agreed to this.
Plump lips press fleeting kisses under Jin’s ear and chin. Kamenashi moves further down to his neck and shoulders as the final button comes loose, exposing Jin’s chest. Jin’s breathing is hitching; he’s enjoying the way Kamenashi’s fingers run on his skin. Yamapi feels like a third wheel.
“Cock rings,” Jin reminds with a hasty murmur. Kamenashi withdraws and nods, eyes avoiding Yamapi as he gets up on his feet and walks over to the nightstand. He pulls open a drawer and takes three silicone rings, condoms and lube from it before returning. He kneels down between the two of them, hair covering his eyes. Yamapi wonders if he wants this as much as Jin does, or if he’s just succumbing to his partner’s wishes. He wishes it isn’t the latter.
“Do him first,” Jin guides, the only one of them who’s been able to utter a word so far. It’s good that he’s talking and directing them, though, it saves them from awkward immobile moments. Kamenashi’s fingers wrap around his zipper and pull it down with a threatening sound. He gets his ass up from the bed and lets the man tug his jeans and boxers down on his ankles.
Kamenashi puts the spare items on the bed before he snakes his hands around Yamapi’s lower body. There’s a moist kiss just below his navel, demanding all of sudden, and then Kamenashi’s fingers start massaging his lower back roughly, fingers occasionally sliding to his butt crack.
Jin is watching, he knows. He wonders why on earth he decided to go along with this - it’s awkward with Kamenashi and Jin together, especially because of a certain incident Jin probably hasn’t found out about yet. Jin undoes his own zipper and pulls his member out of his briefs to fist it lightly. Yamapi wonders what the factor of them that turns him on is. For him it feels like a scene from an amateur porn clip, Kamenashi’s one hand on his scrotum and the other behind his back to keep him still and close while he trails kisses up and down his shaft, attempting to make it erect.
His eyelids slide shut. Kamenashi’s mouth is hot and wet as he takes him inside his mouth and sucks. There’s a bopping sound as he withdraws. He shivers as the cold air hits his moist skin but then Kamenashi is back, rougher and more determined. He’s starting to get there, starting to feel the swell. Jin moans next to him, eyes glued between his legs where Kamenashi is, looking back at him with dark eyes and messy hair, pink tongue poking out of his mouth as he teases the head of Yamapi’s cock.
He extends his hand experimentally and runs his fingers through Kamenashi’s hair as he works on him, breathes hotly against his skin and nibs at the tender skin of his inner thighs. Jin doesn’t object - maybe he doesn’t mind then. His fingers feel shaky as he keeps the hair away from Kamenashi’s face.
“Part your legs more,” Kamenashi instructs him and Yamapi obeys. His need is building up, the desperation to just have Kamenashi close. He wants to throw him to the bed and make him mewl and cry as he moves in and out of him, penis erect and demanding. It’s not the time for that yet, though, not at all. Kamenashi withdraws and dries his semi-erect member a little with his hand before he unwraps one of the condoms and slips it on. Jin hands the lube over to him, eyes clouded with lust.
Kamenashi uncaps the tube and spreads the lube helpfully around Yamapi’s shaft and testicles. It glistens in the light and feels cold against his flaccid member, even through the condom. Jin’s eyes are glued to them and Yamapi’s painfully aware of it as he tries not to react too strongly to the sleek movement of Kamenashi’s warm hand on his cock. It’s better than the last time without lube.
Kamenashi stretches one of the cock rings with his fingers and Yamapi’s breathing hitches. He hasn’t done this in a long while. It’s never been a habit because he’s never really felt like he would’ve needed it - these things belong more in his youth when every sex toy had to be tried out and penis size truly mattered. Kamenashi’s hands are steady and sure as he slips first one testicle in and then another. Yamapi breathes heavily and throws his head back as his shaft follows. Once he’s securely locked, Kamenashi rises to sit on his lap and kiss him, arms welcomingly wrapping themselves around him. He can’t help but kiss back eagerly, overwhelmed by the man’s presence and scent.
Jin’s on the bed on his knees, slipping his own cock ring on before pulling Kamenashi’s lips for a kiss, not removing him from Yamapi’s lap. This is what he wanted after all - to be a voyeur. “Come on, let’s get you geared up,” he murmurs and Yamapi can feel Kamenashi shiver on top of him. “Turn around,” Jin instructs until Kamenashi is sitting on his lap with his semi-hard erection awkwardly pressing against his ass. It’s infuriatingly frustrating. “Here we go.”
Kamenashi’s hand grips Jin’s shoulder while the man fists him a few times before securing him with a condom and a cock ring as well. Yamapi buries his face in the back of Kamenashi’s head. His hair smells of some fruity shampoo and feels soft and fluffy against his face. He runs his fingers down the younger man’s back, making him arch in arousal. Jin grins and kisses Kamenashi’s neck. There’s a sound of a faint whimper. Yamapi doesn’t know whose it is.
Jin stands on his knees, jeans still clinging to his hips. Kamenashi moves to let Yamapi move away from under him before he fists Jin firmly and takes him into his mouth, sucking while moving up and down his length. Yamapi puts a hand on his shoulder and Kamenashi immediately turns, looking up at him with dark and hazy eyes before grabbing his balls and granting him a similar kind of treatment. Jin grabs a hold of Kamenashi’s hair, guiding him roughly before pulling him back towards himself, groaning.
They’re all horny and pushy. Yamapi starts gaining confidence and pulls Kamenashi back towards him, guides him firmly with his own fingers sunken in Kamenashi’s locks as the man laps at his engorged length. Kamenashi fists Jin simultaneously. He’s efficient, one hand taking care of one man and lips going back and forth, creating infuriating waits as the other one’s turn comes.
He’s swollen beyond belief. It’s tight and hot, especially so thanks to the cock ring. His erection stands proudly as Kamenashi sucks and laps on the tip, eyes looking up at him lustily. Jin’s disappeared somewhere with a few swearwords as Kamenashi’s hands roughly grab Yamapi’s buttocks and squeeze them. He groans and gasps, giving in to the heated sensations.
Jin’s back soon, lifting Kamenashi up from his hips. Kamenashi turns his head to look back at him, see what he’s doing as he helps him down on all fours and spreads his buttocks. Yamapi feels hot as he looks at the object in Jin’s hand. His own cock keeps pulsating demandingly, driving him crazy and senseless.
“I can put it in,” he offers with a raspy voice and meets Jin’s eyes. Jin throws the object to him and he catches it, well-learned in this area already. Jin withdraws to the headboard and leans against it, caressing his erection with his long pianist fingers. Kamenashi doesn’t move so Yamapi does, one hand at the small of his back as he caresses Kamenashi’s entrance with the slick butt plug in his hand.
“Please,” Kamenashi moans. It sounds slightly artificial, too exaggerated as he perks his butt helpfully. “Put it in.” He’s shameless and Yamapi obeys him partially, pushing a few centimetres in while trying to feel the tremors that rack the man’s body. He moves his hand from Kamenashi’s back to his stomach. Kamenashi throws his head back and moans louder, trying to push against the toy. “More.”
Yamapi kisses him between his shoulder blades and pulls the plug out, making Kamenashi whimper in displeasure. “Does it feel good?” he finds himself whispering dirtily, getting carried away with the scene they’re creating. He hasn’t done anything like this in years. “Show me how much you want it.”
Jin moans, eyes half lidded as he studies them. Yamapi makes sure he sees, helps Kamenashi turn just a bit so that his ass is pointing straight at his boyfriend. He caresses Kamenashi’s butt crack up and down with the butt plug, making Kamenashi wail in frustration. “Just give it to me,” he demands breathlessly. Yamapi slaps his ass. “A-ah! Yamashita -”
“Yamapi,” Jin corrects quickly from afar, voice thick with arousal. “It’s Yamapi and Kame.” He shouldn’t have the right to give them permission to use such nicknames. Then again, it’s his fantasy they’re acting out. Yamapi nibs at Kamenas-, no, Kame’s nape and feels the man shivering violently in need.
“Have it then,” he finally obliges and slowly pushes the toy in. Kame gasps and pants, muscles clenching as he takes it in. Yamapi wonders if he should’ve stretched him, if he’ll be alright. Then again, Kame probably has sex regularly. He should be able to take it.
He lifts Kame up again, hears him mewl and cry softly at the sensation of the toy filling him up. He pulls him into a kiss and Kame’s thumbs swiftly circle over his perked nipples, granting him pleasure. Both of their bodies are heating up and forming sweat. Kame’s body slides just right against his as they press close to each other, crotches rubbing together hastily.
He wants Kame. He doesn’t think he’s ever wanted anything like this, not so physically and mentally at the same time it’s driving him crazy. He feels guilty and bad because sex shouldn’t be like this, it shouldn’t be just taking care of physical needs and mistreating one another but there’s nothing he can do about it right now, nothing he should do at least.
The erection is starting to become painful. Kamenashi turns around to Jin and kneels down again to press his head down between his legs. Jin moans heavily and wraps his legs around Kame’s upper body as the man starts giving him a more proper blowjob. He takes it in deep and tugs on it as he moves. One of his hands squeezes Jin’s thigh while the other pushes under Jin’s cock. He sucks his own fingers and spits on them before inserting two inside Jin at once. “Rub him from behind,” Jin sighs at Yamapi, whole body starting to move in waves to the pleasure. “Hold him.”
Yamapi kisses Kame’s perky buttocks before snaking his arms around the man’s hips and starting to rock against him. It’s not enough, it’s clumsy and hopeless and just not enough as he humps him, sometimes harder and sometimes managing to hold back and rub more gently. Kame whimpers around Jin’s cock and Yamapi grabs his erection to please him further. He doesn’t know how long Kame will be able to hold back anymore.
Kame’s lips are pink and wet as they keep sliding up and down Jin’s length, making loud and wet noises. Yamapi removes the butt plug and spreads the man’s legs - Kame’s open already, properly stretched by the toy. The tight ring of muscles clenches, expecting more. Jin nods at him, fingers entangled in Kame’s hair.
Yamapi pushes in and feels Kame flinching. His whole body trembles and he withdraws from Jin’s cock, eyes closed and lips pursed and parted. Jin keeps stroking his hair as he cries with every thrust Yamapi makes, who is listening to his cock rather than his head because he hasn’t had an erection like this in years and he really just can’t hold back anymore. His slams echo in the room and Kame moans, attempting to blow Jin simultaneously even though he’s visibly distracted from his task.
“Do it harder, Yamapi,” Jin urges him. He sounds like he’s near completion and his eyes keep taking in the view before him, Kame’s flushed face and the part where he becomes one with Yamapi. Kame’s fingers are still moving inside of Jin and he wails as he takes him in his mouth again, desperate and breathless. Yamapi slams in harder, fisting Kame as roughly as he can. He hopes he’s not hurting him too much. “Do you like him? Do you?”
“Yes,” Yamapi admits, clouded by his need to just fucking come already. “Yes…” He’s groaning, hips moving on their own accord as he drives into Kame’s heat and softness. All of them happen to cry out at the same time. It sends shivers running up his spine. “Fuck.”
He comes inside of Kame with a violent shove and a loud groan. His whole body trembles as he rides his orgasm - it’s strong and he feels sensitive all over, especially around his shaft to the point of it being painful. He cries out sharply as he pulls his member out, still fisting Kame towards his release. Kame’s moaning, his hips moving even with Yamapi gone. He rubs himself against the mattress despite Yamapi’s ministrations. “Jin,” he cries out, fingers digging in the said man’s hips. Jin’s fisting himself, aware of the waves of ecstasy riding over Kame. “Oh god.”
Kame shoots up as he comes with a wail. He collapses against Yamapi’s chest, panting heavily. Jin spills his seeds soon after and goes limp against the headboard, head resting on one shoulder. Yamapi lets himself fall to lie down on the mattress, pulling Kame with him.
After a moment they all remove their cock rings and condoms. No one bothers getting up, though. Jin pulls Kame against his chest and cuddles him sweetly, giving him an occasionally kiss every now and then. Yamapi lies on Kame’s other side and eventually covers them with the blanket, starting to get cold. It’s autumn already, after all.
Jin falls asleep with one hand resting on Kame’s hip and one somewhere over his head. Yamapi doesn’t see Kame’s face, doesn’t know anything. There’s a lump in his throat and he kind of really wants to just get up and go home, unable to take it anymore. Being so close yet having to watch as Jin holds him against his chest like this hurts.
Kame flinches as he snuggles up against his back, pressing close. He doesn’t say anything, though, doesn’t even look back. Yamapi doesn’t know why it is - does he want him to touch him, or does he just not want Jin to wake up and create drama. They’re both still hiding their encounter the night before their first official meeting as Jin’s friend and boyfriend. Sometimes he wonders if there was something behind it after all, other than getting back at Jin. Most of the time, though, he understands it probably doesn’t matter either way.
After a good fifteen minutes of silence or so, Kamenashi presses back against him. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even fully show he’s awake. He probably must be.
This is as close as they’ll get to each other, and this will probably be the last time too. Yamapi closes his eyes and tries to swallow down the bitter taste in his mouth while listening to the couple breathing right beside him. He’ll wake up in the morning and they’ll all go on like this never happened.
Just like the other time never happened either.
--
His apathetic mood switches on the moment he’s hugged goodbye the last children leaving the nursery school. He feels distant and alone as he wishes a good evening to his co-workers and packs his belongings in his bag, ready to go home. Home doesn’t sound particularly inviting, though - it’s filled with memories and memories of a life he can’t have.
He needs a drink, outdoors. No company, though - everyone’s probably busy and tired, and besides, he’s feeling quite solitary. There’s no one he can talk to about these things because it’s all wrong and messed up. Everything has to be kept under a rag because they’re not to be spoken of unless he wants to make the sky fall down.
He gets off the metro, following the mass of people returning home from work. The streetlights have already been lit - winter is quickly approaching with its darkness and chilliness. Yamapi pushes his hands in the pockets of his autumn jacket, wishing it’d be just a bit thicker.
He makes it through a few intersections before he sees the familiar sign greeting him from afar. He feels oddly calmer than he’s felt for days. There’s an apathetic emptiness inside of him, one he doesn’t manage to shake off. There are mental images of Jin sleeping with his arm wrapped around Kame’s naked back, head buried in the crook of his neck with hair sprawled everywhere. Kame there too - hand stroking Jin’s hair with a light touch of affection, careful not to wake him up.
He gulps anxiously. It’s been weeks, he should get over it. He’s seen the pair afterwards too. They all gathered at Ryo’s place to watch some American movie with epic chases and exploding cars, the usual shit. He doesn’t even remember the plot anymore.
His love is hopeless and he should just drop it like he’s supposed to. He should ignore the nagging in his head about Jin and other girls because Jin’s at ease with Kame and he would’ve told him if he felt that troubled because they’re best friends and they actually tell each other stuff. He should stop bringing up excuses to whisk Kame to his own boat. He won’t succeed in it anyway.
He pulls the door open and steps in, greeted by warmth and music. It’s still too early for the bar to be packed, but some co-workers and friends are occupying a table here and there. There’s a man on the bar counter, hair already turning white. He looks depressed.
Yamapi starts heading towards the bar counter himself before something catches his eye. There’s a familiar denim jacket and ruffled mid-brown hair. He stops in the middle of the room, narrowing his eyes. Nail polish too, black. Kame.
He stands still for a while, just watching. Kame inhales from his cigarette and releases smoke through his nostrils, bitter enough to challenge the pain. His eyes are glued to the stage where a middle-aged woman sits on a stool, strumming an upbeat rhythm with her acoustic guitar. There’s a vintage suitcase sitting next to his chair, too large to fit under the table.
Sighing, he gives into the pull and lets his feet move towards the young man. Kamenashi turns his head, acknowledging his presence. He heaves and butts his half-burnt cigarette to the ashtray. The smoke trails up and Kamenashi takes a big gulp of his scotch, grimaces and looks up at him.
“You’ve got a suitcase,” Yamapi notes as he sits down. Kame’s still smacking his lips, tasting the traces of alcohol. He looks relatively sober, but not very good otherwise. He hasn’t even bothered with the bracelets. “Are you going somewhere?”
“I was,” Kamenashi admits and smirks bitterly as he deposits his lighter in his cigarette case which he pockets like it would bother Yamapi. It doesn’t very much, he’s got chain smoker friends who don’t give a shit about what he thinks. It isn’t like he wouldn’t occasionally smoke either, when he’s offered and stressed out by life and whatnot. “Now I don’t know.”
“How so?” Yamapi prompts him gently. There’s applause around them - the woman has finished playing. Kame sighs deeply and claps his own hands together for a few times.
“She was good,” he justifies with a shrug and drinks more of his whiskey.
“Kame,” Yamapi insists. He wonders if Kame has left Jin. Cruelly enough… he quite hopes so. Kame meets his eyes from across the table and swallows uneasily. He looks quite apathetic. It’s not a very usual mood for him. Mostly it just makes Yamapi want to wrap Kame in his arms, hold him until he melts.
“I was going to my friend’s. But he’s got his long distance girlfriend over. I don’t want to be a bother,” Kame gulps, scratching his nose. “I only remembered once I left. My other good friend is out of town because of work. One has a university exam tomorrow. Others… I don’t feel good just… butting in.” He smiles a bit, humoured by his foul luck. “So I don’t know. I might just hit a motel. If I have the money.”
“Why won’t you go home?” Yamapi insists. Kame’s leg moves hesitantly, bumps against his suitcase as if to confirm it’s still safely there and not growing feet to walk away. “Did you have a fight?” He does his best not to sound too gentle with his voice, acknowledging Kame’s hatred for being treated like he’s made of porcelain which he isn’t. He just prefers not to talk. It works for him. It’s just that this information feels vital for him too.
“Not really,” Kame answers, tilting his head a little in wonder. “I just packed my necessities and left in the morning. He smelled like perfume,” he reasons, licks his lips and laughs hollowly. “I’m paranoid,” he admits and shakes his head. Yamapi reaches over the table to squeeze his triceps firmly. “He’ll probably start calling me soon when he realises I left. I should go back.”
“Hey.” He snaps his fingers next to Kame’s face to snap him out of his daze. Kame looks at him, lips pressed tightly together and eyes alert. He looks ready to get judged. It’s upsetting. “You don’t need to do anything,” he tries to offer his support. His mouth is dry by now, making gulping difficult.
Kame grinds his teeth and watches as an old man makes his way to the stage. He starts playing the piano and singing so mournfully that Yamapi can’t make out the majority of the lyrics. He isn’t completely sure they’re Japanese, though. Could be anything for all he knows.
“Do you have to be here?” Kame snaps suddenly, breaking the pregnant silence around them. Yamapi looks at him, heart pounding painfully. Suddenly Kame looks much more desperate and out of it, confused with himself. He wishes he knew what to think of it.
“Why not?” he asks quietly, urging Kame to spill the beans. The man gulps and swirls the thick liquid in his glass, trying to restrain himself. His lips are slightly pursed but the harshness doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s melancholy, if anything.
“Because you make me want to go with you.”
Kame bites his lips. He seems ashamed of his words, on the verge of self-hatred. Yamapi’s heart skips a bit as he watches Kame, observes him as he avoids his gaze by staring at the old man on the stage. The piano flows through them. It doesn’t sound like Jin, though - Jin plays contemporary music, complex with a simple sound. This is more classical. It isn’t bad, at least for him.
“You could,” he offers, not knowing if he’s making things worse. Kame laughs shortly. He looks exhausted, beautifully broken. “He cheats,” he tries to help Kame to justify it, tries to make him swallow the hook. Kame looks at him tiredly. He looks desperate for acceptance and a reason to let go. “You wouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You can just stay the night if that’s what you want.”
Kame’s gaze drops to his lips before climbing back up again. His lips are parted and there’s a soft thud as he puts his glass down on the table with a shaky hand. Yamapi gulps, afraid of fucking everything up. He doesn’t want to be insensitive.
“You make me want to do something.” Kame heaves. There’s painful longing in his eyes as he stares deep into Yamapi’s. Yamapi finds his hand across the table and entwines their fingers. His palm is sweaty. Kame’s is hot. “I’m in a relationship.”
“Did you like it?” Yamapi whispers, the sound barely audible to Kame who shivers as an answer. He doesn’t look happy, doesn’t look flirtatious - he just looks true and genuine, burdened but yearning. He’s just a human being just like everyone else, he’s an owner of a heart he has carried for someone for eight long years, believing in receiving something he hasn’t gotten. “With me?”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about the cheating part,” Kame admits with a raw voice, pressing tighter with his fingers as if to hold on to him. “It… I didn’t like it. I hated it. Cheating.” Kame’s breath deepens anxiously. “If it hadn’t been for that, though… Yes. I think… Yes.”
“I’m not going to wait for you forever,” Yamapi reminds Kame with a serious tone, watches his eyes widen ever so slightly in understanding. Maybe subtle things like that are the ones that swoon and make him fall in love with him so vividly. “You’ve got to make a choice.”
“I can’t risk it. I can’t do it yet,” Kame inhales shakily. His hold loosens but Yamapi doesn’t let go, doesn’t even think about letting go. “What?”
“You don’t have to choose now,” Yamapi gulps and uses his free hand to gently swipe Kame’s hair behind his ear. The man shivers at the contact, tensing up anxiously. Yamapi can only hope he won’t run now, that he isn’t pressing too much. “But… you can… have options.”
“Options?” Kame encourages him to elaborate, his voice choked, barely leaving his mouth. Yamapi makes sure to look serious and sound serious - with someone else he wouldn’t even suggest it, or if he did he’d do it jokingly, but now isn’t the time for jokes. Kame doesn’t work like that.
“If he can do multiple people at the same time, why can’t you do two?” Yamapi suggests. He has this terrible feeling of someone sneaking up on them and hearing everything, of losing everything just when he might be about to get it all. “It’s not his privilege.”
“It’s different,” Kame insists. He doesn’t shake his head though, doesn’t seem to completely refuse his offer. He’s considering. Yamapi doesn’t think his heart has ever beaten so fast. He wonders if Kame can feel it through his hand. “Jin just sleeps around. This… would be more. This would be a relationship.”
“But it’s only one person,” Yamapi argues back, not willing to lose his chance when he’s so close he can almost taste it. “We’d both be on trial. You can’t make a decision if you don’t know what you could have.”
“No.”
Uncertain. Kame fidgets, turns his head away a little in refusal. He tugs on his hand but doesn’t force it away from Yamapi’s hold. He’s hesitating, afraid of choosing wrong and having to live with his decision.
He’s harbouring feelings.
“Then tell me one more thing, Kame…” Yamapi prompts him, cornering him with his demanding stare. Kame’s defiant, staring back unyieldingly. He’s almost ready to take a leap of faith, though. Yamapi just needs to pull and he’ll come along. He’s sure. “Are you happy?”
Something withers behind his eyes. His fingers curl a little, brush against Yamapi’s. The silence grows between them. He waits for Kame to break it. Please, just break it. Come out to the open, because the answer is obvious already. Has always been, perhaps.
“No,” Kame whispers through his parted lips. He looks ready to shatter but unwilling. If the eight years he’s fought for his love have given him anything, it’s strength. It’s not something anyone can get without encountering something so hard. It’s something Yamapi doesn’t have. “…I’m not.”
“That should already give you the answer,” Yamapi encourages him gently and gets up on his feet, letting go of Kame’s hand that stays on the table. Kame’s blinking, growing panicky by his sudden withdrawal. Yamapi doesn’t know what goes through his mind, what kind of awful scenarios he’s thinking of.
He thinks he doesn’t need a drink after all. This was well enough.
“I’ll see you around,” he says gently, trying to calm Kame down at least. The man looks dumbfounded and calculative - if Yamapi imagines it hard enough, he can almost hear a mechanical sound of wheels turning and squeaking against each other. He walks, though, waits, expects, hopes but walks, doesn’t push it. He won’t achieve anything by pushing it too far. Not anything he’d want to have.
The silence continues. He passes by tables and gives up hope, fights not to look back at Kame and his lonely glass of whiskey, his suitcase and desperation. He tries not to think of him returning home and trying to put his belongings back so that Jin won’t suspect anything and worry. So that he won’t cause trouble.
Kame’s heart can make him such an idiot.
“Yamapi, wait,” the raised voice reaches his ears and he turns, raising his eyebrows. Kame’s up on his feet, breathless. His scotch glass has been emptied and he’s crouched down, hand fumbling for his suitcase.
Something warm spreads inside Yamapi as Kame makes his way over, wobbly on his feet. He takes the bag from Kame wordlessly and nods before heading towards the front door. Kame follows right behind him, silent and anxious but not unsure. He’s made his choice.
At the secrecy of his home, Kame kisses him. He holds his face close with his hands gently cupping it, fingers entangled in a few stray strands. The kiss is sweet, gentle and slow. Their teeth clang together at first while they clumsily seek for unity but the soft suction of Kame’s lips makes all the pain and embarrassment melt away.
The mobile phone in Kame’s back pocket vibrates insistently. They pretend like it doesn’t, holding each other close like a long lost love rediscovered. Yamapi doubts he’s ever loved someone like that.
--
--> part 3/4
His head is still spinning about the revelation. He wonders how fucking stupid can he really be, how he can let himself get fooled like that. The betrayal is bitter and it feels so weird to think that the Kamenashi behind the counter whom he’s been looking at and admiring for so long can suddenly turn into such a person. It just doesn’t feel right. He must have read him wrong all along.
The day passes by slowly. A bruised knee, a lot of bawling, stubborn complaining and refusal to eat during lunch and snack time - his typical day. He tries to calm down explosive fights among the little children and keep them from doing forbidden things and hurting themselves. He’d always known his profession would be stressing, but he doesn’t think he ever fully understood just how stressing before he actually started working five days a week. And that was already years and years ago.
He’s exhausted when he gets home, ready to turn the lights off and hit the sack. He’s unfortunate enough to realise it isn’t going to happen as soon as he parks his car and detects a dangerously familiar figure standing before the front doors with his arms crossed.
Goddammit. He gets out of his vehicle, locks the doors with a loud beep and heads towards the doors, unhappy about the turn of events. Is a little privacy for sorting things out in his head first too much to ask for?
When Kamenashi detects his presence he licks his lip nervously and opens his folded arms. He stretches them a little and rocks on his heels, observing Yamapi as he warily heads closer. He doesn’t know why Kamenashi is here, he doesn’t know what he wants but he looks quite far from seductive now after their awkward meeting at the bar. He looks mostly analytical and calculative as Yamapi makes his way over.
“We need to talk,” Kamenashi announces the reason for his presence when he’s close enough. His voice sounds strained as if he would be anticipating something really nasty from his part. He’s got something to lose then, huh. “If that’s alright with you. I’d like to explain.”
“You’ve got a lot of explaining to do,” Yamapi snorts coolly as he fishes his keys from his back pocket and pushes them in the slot. He unlocks the door and Kamenashi shifts hesitantly, probably unsure if Yamapi expects him to follow him inside or not. Yamapi sighs and bites his lip as he turns to look at the anxious man. “Come on in.”
“Thanks,” Kamenashi heaves in relief. He follows him to the lift where Yamapi presses the floor number. There’s no music, ridiculous things like that only exist in expensive buildings for either rich people or desired customers. They don’t exchange another word before they’re already at his doorstep, greeted by a welcome mat. Yamapi searches for the right key on his keychain and opens the door, making his way in the tiny foyer. Kamenashi follows him silently and helpfully closes the door behind him. Yamapi hears the soft click of the lock and grows nervous as he kicks his sneakers out. Kamenashi’s shoes soon follow his and they both straighten up their postures. The sound of their breathing is anguishing. He’s probably paying too much attention to it, overwhelmed by the physical closeness.
“How long are you staying?” he asks as he takes Kamenashi’s jacket and hangs it on the clothing rack he has just outside his foyer. Kamenashi follows him inside, familiar with the surroundings already. The last time he was here was different, though. Then Yamapi had felt like they could be anything. Now Kamenashi isn’t the attractive cashier in his favourite café anymore, though, no - he’s Kame, his best friend’s long-term boyfriend. Way out of his limits.
Kamenashi shrugs, walking past him. He looks a bit lost and confused himself, attempting to conclude for how long Yamapi will bother with him before kicking him out. “A while,” he answers unsurely, sticking to uncertainty. “Are you busy?”
“Not really,” Yamapi admits, trying not to walk too close to Kamenashi as he passes him by on the cramped corridor. “Would you like something? Tea?” he decides to offer because he sure feels like some tea could help him calm down his tingling nerves. Kamenashi nods and sits on one of Yamapi’s dining chairs, watching him intensely as he starts taking cups and a pot from the cupboards.
“Has Jin told you anything?” Kamenashi asks him bluntly, poking with a stick to see how informed Yamapi already is of things. Which he isn’t very much - he does remember this ‘Kame’ popping up in his speech every now and then for years and he’s always seemed a little protective and secretive when it comes to him, but he doesn’t have any clear knowledge of things between the two.
“Apart from you two dating? Not really,” he answers truthfully as he pours water to the pot. “Should I know something? About Thursday evening?” About Kamenashi fucking him even though he’s in a relationship with someone else. Giving him false hope and a punch in the stomach.
Kamenashi draws in a shaky breath. He gulps and entwines his fingers, head slightly bowed. He’s leaning to his elbows which he has positioned on the table. Yamapi furrows his brow, unable to feel emotionally withdrawn. He’s had a thing for Kamenashi for ages already anyway.
“It’s not really working,” Kamenashi admits with a bitter tone. Yamapi meets his glare from across the room, studies his eyes, the way they narrow at the corners. He looks like there’s a heavy weight on his shoulders. “He’s cheating on me.”
“Weren’t you the one cheating on him,” Yamapi notes, because really - who is Kamenashi to preach? Kamenashi’s nostrils widen and his lips press tightly together. He looks kind of dangerous as he sits there, still but explosive. “Just saying.”
“That was only once,” Kamenashi defends himself with a strained voice. He’s speaking louder now and his voice is more certain. He’s determined to convince Yamapi, no matter what it takes. “I’ve never done it before, honestly. It’s just that I thought we were already over this. After we got together properly,” he mumbles, looking out of the window to keep his distance. “My friend saw him being touchy with another girl, though. I confronted him and he denied it. Then I… I checked his texts,” Kamenashi admits and buries his face in his hands shamefully. “I don’t know. I just got so angry at him. I thought I’d sleep with someone and tell him, just to hurt him back. But I couldn’t. Especially after I learned that you were his… I can’t do that to you,” he sighs deeply and bites his knuckles nervously. “I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to include you in this mess.”
“Why don’t you just break up with him then?” Yamapi suggests. It’s the most plausible solution in his mind. If Kamenashi is so unhappy, why stick around for a jerk? “Not that I’d believe you. Jin… he has friends, sure, but cheating is…”
“I’m not lying,” Kamenashi cuts in, starting to look hostile. He’s on the defensive. It’s understandable, Yamapi guesses. The pot whistles on the stove and he removes it carefully, carrying it to the table. Kamenashi looks a bit sickly and pale. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“Jin is my friend,” Yamapi reminds him as he hands him a mug with some silly English text. “You already fooled me once.”
“I’m not lying,” Kamenashi repeats desperately, his shoulders rigid. “I’ve known him for eight years. We’ve tried to make it work for eight fucking years. He never even told you about me. Not before recently.”
“Well, maybe he just doesn’t want to be with you?” Yamapi tries to suggest helpfully as he pours them both tea with his shaky hands, trying not to sound too much like an ass about it. “I’ve seen him with people. When he wants to be with someone he really invests everything he has in the relationship.”
“But I’m a man,” Kamenashi splutters. “I think he’s always had some kind of problem with that.”
Yamapi thinks back to Jin, thinks back to confessing his own bisexuality and talking it out with Jin. He recalls the way Jin awkwardly admitted his own sexuality as well, shrugging with his lips thoughtfully pursed. He doesn’t really know. “He isn’t homophobic,” he decides to say, just to defend his friend.
Kamenashi shakes his head in agreement but opens his mouth for an argument anyway. “It’s not in his ideology in general, I think,” he shares his view insistently. “But I don’t think he himself wants to spend the rest of his life with a man. He’s very… sensitive about it. He never really cares much when people judge him, but when it comes to that he can be very defensive.”
“Then maybe you should reconsider your relationship,” Yamapi sighs. He takes a small swig from his mug and burns the tip of his tongue before he sets it back down again with a cringe. Not a good idea, even if it meant getting something to do for his hands. Kamenashi’s staring at him painfully, though, now that he looks at him again. He tries to swallow the lump from his throat. “If you’ve had that problem for so many years I doubt it’ll just magically go away. Maybe you can’t fix it.”
“When I was eighteen he came to see me at my school one day.” Kamenashi’s blinking furiously and fiddling with his teaspoon. His gaze is cast down to his hands, but otherwise he appears to be calm and collected. “It was after school. We were at the auditorium, there’s a piano there. He… insisted that I sit next to him on the seat,” Kamenashi remembers and smiles a little. It doesn’t fully reach his eyes, not with the melancholy he’s experiencing, but he looks a little warmer with the memory. “He played me this song, you know. He had composed it himself, for me. He just told me to shut up and not say a word before he finished.”
“He’s good with the piano,” Yamapi nods anxiously. He doesn’t know why he has to listen to this, why he has to listen to Kamenashi mourning over his relationship with his best friend when it’s so obvious he’s falling for him faster than he can prevent it. It’d be a little too painful to tell him to leave, though, so he remains seated where he is, prepared to listen to Kamenashi talking just a bit more, about things other than the café menu and weather.
Kamenashi nods, drawing in a shaky breath. “He is,” he agrees with a softer voice. It’s the first time Yamapi actually detects the genuine love in his features, his expression. He feels all of his remaining hope flushing down the drain as Kamenashi licks his lips and cocks his head a little, trying to find words to speak with. “I’m not sure if you’ve heard it. I think eventually he named it Baby Girl. Note the indirectly homophobic attitude again,” Kamenashi snorts and rolls his eyes. “But… I don’t know. I had already almost given up hope at that point. I was just waiting to find the strength to let go. Then he composed that song to me and I listened and… After that I just knew he felt the same,” he grimaces ashamedly and scratches his nose, raising his gaze to meet Yamapi’s dulled one. “I decided I’ll keep fighting for it until we get to where we’re supposed to be with the feelings we have. I refuse to give up.”
“I’ve heard Baby Girl,” Yamapi answers quietly, warming his fingertips with the tea mug. It burns but he can’t withdraw his hands. It feels like it’s his last thread to hold on. “So he wrote it for you.” He remembers hearing Jin play it to himself many years ago, lost somewhere in his own thoughts. He’d asked about the song’s origins then, pestering Jin about it with Ryo.
He’d written it for someone special, he had said. Under further inspection he had finally mumbled the title nervously, stumbling with his words like he really wouldn’t want to say them.
Yamapi wonders if his pushiness has been at fault for the incorrect gender in the title, if Jin’s words of writing it to the man in front of him have been true. If he has, he’s genuinely sorry as he detects the worry and hurt gently tangling to Kamenashi’s voice and words.
“So… I’m not sure if you understand,” Kamenashi tries, holding on to his steamy mug anxiously. “But please try to. I didn’t mean to offend you and I’m genuinely sorry. I regret it. I couldn’t just go on without giving you an explanation, it wouldn’t have been fair.”
Yamapi sniffs a little awkwardly, the steam going up his nostrils. People never fail to be complicated. “So there was nothing between us? Ever?”
“I’m sorry.” Kamenashi attempts to give him a small and apologetic smile. He truly is sorry. “Maybe if my situation would be different. But I’ve already found what I want. I’m sorry if I led you on. I just tried to think of someone I would want to do it with and you popped in my mind. I really didn’t know.”
“It’s alright.” It isn’t. But then again, it has to be - he isn’t about to go to Jin to get the weight off his shoulders. Besides, if Kamenashi really is telling the truth, it’s not his business to mess with. The man had just had a moment of poor judgment. “I’ll forget about it. It never happened.”
“It never happened,” comes the relieved confirmation and Kamenashi smiles to him exhaustedly, his muscles relaxing notably. “…It’s good to know you, Yamashita. I really mean it.” He looks like he means it, as unfortunate as the turn in their relationship has been. Yamapi wonders if the yearning ever really goes away.
“Yeah,” he nods, feeling awfully hollow inside. “You too.”
Kamenashi gets up on his feet, his tea sitting on the table untouched. “I should go,” the man tries to excuse himself politely with a small bow. “I’ve got to go grocery shopping before I make dinner. Jin gets kind of cranky when his blood sugar is low.”
“He does,” Yamapi agrees with a laugh he hopes sounds genuine. It’s a good thing people tell him it’s hard to read his emotions from his eyes - people rarely notice when they won’t reach them. He gets up on his feet and walks with Kamenashi to the foyer where he hands the man’s jacket over to him and watches him shove his feet into his shoes. “I’ll see you around then, huh?”
“I guess,” Kamenashi nods with a smile as he straightens up again. He waves his hand as he opens the lock of the door and steps outside. “Bye.”
“Bye.”
He closes the door but doesn’t leave the foyer for a while. He replays the absurd commotion between the two of them, wonders if he’s made the right choices. Is Kamenashi just pulling his leg or what? He sure sounded genuine, but most swindlers do too and if someone successfully cheats without getting caught, they must be experts at it.
He doesn’t dare to confront Jin about it though, just in case. After all, it isn’t only Kamenashi’s neck that’s on the guillotine.
--
Jin looks unimaginably happy whilst stuffing his mouth with a Big Mac. His cheeks are full and puffy, like a rodent’s. He’s chewing with his mouth closed though, thank god. Yamapi has already finished his hamburger and has moved on to the fries which he dips in a tiny carton cup of ketchup.
It’s a typical Wednesday afternoon tradition. They meet up, just the two of them, grab some lunch, mostly from McDonalds, chatter about this and that and just enjoy each other’s company. Wednesday is their day and has been so since secondary school. Sometimes Yamapi thinks years pass too fast to fully comprehend the passage of time.
“We’re moving in together,” Jin munches after swallowing most of the mush in his mouth. He takes a long sip of his coke as Yamapi raises his eyebrows in question - they’re moving fast. Jin’s lived together with a girl once for a couple of months before they broke up. He never really talked about it. “Kame’s rent ends this weekend so I’ll be busy for the rest of the week, helping him move his stuff.”
“Okay,” Yamapi acknowledges - no inviting him to any kinds of parties then. “So you’re serious then?” he prompts Jin to go on. He thinks of Kamenashi’s flushed body pressing against his and the man’s concerned face when discussing cheating issues with him. He wonders if commitment between them is such a good idea after all, but doesn’t dare to voice out his opinion without being fully sure. He’s not going to explain Jin he has a feeling it’s all going to end badly based on one night drinking when everything looked great between the two, except for that one fleeting moment.
“Yeah. Yeah, sure,” Jin nods enthusiastically and bites into his hamburger again. He’s grimacing, though, and Yamapi feels slight tightness creeping up. Kamenashi sounded way more serious about him than he does. It’s kind of worrying. “I mean,” Jin mumbles, still with food in his mouth. He gulps it down in order to be able to speak more freely and shrugs. “I am serious. But we’ve always been a bit… difficult, you know? We clash a lot. And now we’re going through some trouble again. We think moving in together might help it.”
“What kind of problems?” Yamapi prompts, trying to be helpful. He feels guilty, having also taken part in the “trouble” the pair is experiencing. Jin is his best friend after all. It’s only right if he helps to set things straight, should they be that way, or stand by his friend’s side once everything falls apart. He can swallow down his own crush, as insistent and disappointing as it is.
“I don’t know. This and that,” Jin shrugs and purses his lips thoughtfully. “We’ve been talking lately. We need some spark, something to make us… more excited about each other again,” he nods slowly. “You know. Sex-wise. We’re trying that first.”
Yamapi furrows his brow. Kamenashi never mentioned anything about problems on that area. He doesn’t know if it isn’t too personal and embarrassing, though, since they don’t know each other that well. Jin and him, though… well. Sex isn’t the most unusual topic.
“Toys?” he suggests vaguely. “Some kind of kinky foreplay or cosplay?”
“Yeah, maybe,” Jin shrugs again, nervous about discussing it in public. He keeps eyeing the people around, but no one’s paying attention to them - they aren’t speaking very loudly, for once. “Actually,” the man finally continues, gathering up his courage as he turns his eyes back to Yamapi, “we’ve been thinking of a threesome.”
Yamapi’s eyebrows rise. It sounds like the worst solution for them, should someone ask him. “Threesome,” he notes and Jin grimaces, prepared to defend himself. Yamapi tilts his head a little, trying to appear thoughtful. “Why?”
“I don’t know. It’d be exciting?” Jin tries, stealing one of his fries sneakily. “Seeing someone else take him. I don’t know. Somehow that’d turn me on.” So this isn’t about Jin fucking some chick right next to a pained and jealous Kamenashi, then. That’s good at least. “Sharing him.”
“Sharing him,” he repeats with a nod. Jin answers with a nod himself, trying to search his eyes for his genuine opinion. Pi purses his lips and takes a sip of his coke. It’s not his relationship, though. If Jin and Kamenashi have properly discussed it and agreed on it, who’s he to say they’re wrong about it? He knows some couples like that sort of thing, helps them remind how lucky they really are to have each other. “Well, if you think it’ll help you.”
Jin looks relieved now that he’s got Yamapi’s acceptance. He’s smiling a bit again as he steals a whole handful of Yamapi’s fries. Yamapi finishes his own coke and steals Jin’s in return. Jin’s frowning again, eating a fry while leaning against his hand, elbow on the table. “I don’t want anyone to steal him, though. Threesome’s a bit risky. What if the other person is better than me and Kame forgets all about me?”
“I’m sure Kamenashi likes you enough to stay with you.” He does, after all. Yamapi sure as hell wasn’t enough to make him change his love-struck mind. It’s a bit depressing, but maybe it’s for the best. Hooking up with Kamenashi would risk his friendship with Jin. He’d hate himself if that happened.
“He’s hot, isn’t he?” Jin suddenly notes, looking up at him. Yamapi shivers and for a while he’s scared Jin’s figured him out, as slow as the man can be. He tries to act nonchalant as he puts the soda down. “Sexy and desirable.”
“Yeah,” Yamapi admits. There’s no reason to lie here - what should he say, that his best friend’s boyfriend is ugly when he isn’t? They’re aware of each other’s sexualities already and it isn’t the first time they’ve complimented each other’s partners. “He’s quite a package. You sure got lucky.”
“Do you want him?” Jin continues, voice and expression serious. Yamapi’s glad he isn’t drinking anymore - he’d choke if he were still drinking. Instead he peers at his friend, feeling the chills. He wonders if Kamenashi’s told Jin after all, if this is all a scam just to catch him red-handed. His friend looks oblivious to it, though. He’s not a particularly good actor. “You’re my friend so I trust you. And you’re the kind of person I wouldn’t feel too awkward with, you know? Ryo’s straight and he’d be scary anyway,” Jin grimaces and Yamapi fully agrees with a roll of his eyes. “I don’t want him touching Kame. But you’re… you know. You. I think it could work and you’d treat him well too, make sure he feels good and all.”
“Jin,” Yamapi says simply. He’s walking on thin ice, trying not to get caught with already having had relations with Jin’s boyfriend. He doesn’t want it, he tries to tell himself. He doesn’t like Kamenashi enough to seriously go and fuck up his relationship with his best friend. That’d be creepy. Besides, he’s really trying hard to move on and he isn’t there yet. He doesn’t want to slip in bed, right in front of Jin’s eyes.
“Please?” Jin goes to begging more. “I’d feel a lot better if it was with you,” he tries to insist. It’s quite ridiculous, considering Yamapi is probably the most unsafe person he could possibly invite to bed with him and Kamenashi. “We’d all agree on it, it wouldn’t be that awkward.”
“You should ask Kamenashi,” Yamapi tries to dodge the decision making. “You know, we’re quite different, you and me. I might not even turn him on.” Except that he does, from what he knows. He remembers Kamenashi writhing with his eyes closed, fringe glued to his forehead and lips parted as hot and heavy breaths came out. He shouldn’t be thinking about it in public. Especially not in front of Jin. “Just talk to Kamenashi about it, okay?”
“But if he says yes, are you in?” Jin tries to check with him. “If you need thinking time, that’s okay. You can say no too, I won’t push it. It’s just that we really need this and… I mean, you’ve had threesomes before too,” he insists, eating the rest of the fries. “It’s not like it’s your first.”
“That time none of us were dating,” Yamapi mumbles as an answer. “I’d be a third wheel, you know? I don’t really know.” He’d probably say yes if it was anyone but Kamenashi. The problem is that it isn’t. “I don’t even know him that well.” Except for his darkest secret and biggest worry, of course, which already defines him quite well.
“Can I at least suggest you to him?” Jin asks him. Yamapi feels his breathing catching up. Jin looks a bit desperate. “See if he even wants you. I can tell you then and you can think about it. You don’t have to say yes.”
“Okay,” Yamapi agrees, just to get his friend off his back. It’s not like Kamenashi will accept Jin’s offer anyway - he’s sure to come up with some kind of excuse as to why not, because there’s no way the three of them should have sex together. Not under these circumstances. “Yeah, whatever. Just ask. Won’t hurt, I guess.”
Jin’s beaming. They don’t talk about it again that night - they gossip about common friends and their recent dramas with girls and police and whatnot. Yamapi makes it safely back home where he starts closing the curtains peacefully before going to bed.
He’s back from the shower, hair still dripping wet on his shirt as he notices his mobile insistently flashing a tiny light. He walks over and picks it up - a text message from Jin. He gulps anxiously as he presses read.
Kame’s in!!! Yes or no?? :) :) :)
He freezes. His entire apartment is silent. It’s late and he has work tomorrow and he really shouldn’t even consider this. Shouldn’t when his bed is right there and even though he’s changed his sheets already there’s still a faint scent of Kamenashi left lingering.
He sits down on his bed, rereading the text anxiously.
Why on earth would Kamenashi say yes? Why would he want him anymore? It’s just awkward. Didn’t they already agree it was wrong for him to lead him on when he obviously has feelings for him? He just can’t figure the man out, he guesses. He doesn’t know if anything he says is true anymore.
He holds his breath as he answers Jin with a simple OK. He hopes to god Kamenashi’s going to keep his word and not reveal everything furiously while they’re all hotly bundled up together. He feels dangerous, no matter how unintimidating he appears on the outside.
It’s just that he really longs for him, and he’ll never have him. It’s not that selfish for him to have him while trying to help Jin and Kamenashi fix their relationship. He’s not sure if he’s the right tool for that, but Jin trusts him. He’s determined not to betray that trust. Last time he didn’t know. Now he does, he knows what to expect from this before he gets ahead of himself.
It’s just a simple painful and unreturned longing feeling he has for Kamenashi who’s perfectly out of his touch. He’ll start letting go of it later.
--
“Come on in,” Jin encourages him nervously a few days after. It’s Friday night, nearing ten o’clock, and Yamapi hasn’t been able to stay undistracted from anything. He’s flustered as he leaves his shoes and jacket in the foyer and proceeds further inside the house.
Kamenashi’s leaning against the bedroom door. He looks awkward and alert as he bows his head a little and mumbles his greeting. Yamapi does his best to answer while standing next to his best friend who has his arm wrapped around his shoulders. He can’t even begin to describe how embarrassing this whole ordeal is already, and they haven’t even gotten started yet.
Kamenashi’s belongings are everywhere and the apartment looks much more cluttered and cramped now. When they make it to the bedroom and sit down on the bed, Yamapi sees how Jin’s CDs have had to make space for a couple of books and DVDs he can’t recall ever seeing before. The sound of Kamenashi’s breathing makes his hair stand on edge.
“Should we get started then?” Jin suggests with a peep from Kamenashi’s other side. Yamapi turns to look at him and nods in agreement - the sooner they just get over with it, the better. They’ve talked about this already, endless text messages discussing about thing to do and not do.
Kamenashi moves. There’s a rustle and the bed sinks a bit more as he starts unbuttoning Jin’s shirt from top down, fingers clumsy as he proceeds with his task. Jin’s probably filled him in already, discussed things with him too. He knows what to do, he doesn’t have to… It doesn’t have to get awkward, they’ve all agreed to this.
Plump lips press fleeting kisses under Jin’s ear and chin. Kamenashi moves further down to his neck and shoulders as the final button comes loose, exposing Jin’s chest. Jin’s breathing is hitching; he’s enjoying the way Kamenashi’s fingers run on his skin. Yamapi feels like a third wheel.
“Cock rings,” Jin reminds with a hasty murmur. Kamenashi withdraws and nods, eyes avoiding Yamapi as he gets up on his feet and walks over to the nightstand. He pulls open a drawer and takes three silicone rings, condoms and lube from it before returning. He kneels down between the two of them, hair covering his eyes. Yamapi wonders if he wants this as much as Jin does, or if he’s just succumbing to his partner’s wishes. He wishes it isn’t the latter.
“Do him first,” Jin guides, the only one of them who’s been able to utter a word so far. It’s good that he’s talking and directing them, though, it saves them from awkward immobile moments. Kamenashi’s fingers wrap around his zipper and pull it down with a threatening sound. He gets his ass up from the bed and lets the man tug his jeans and boxers down on his ankles.
Kamenashi puts the spare items on the bed before he snakes his hands around Yamapi’s lower body. There’s a moist kiss just below his navel, demanding all of sudden, and then Kamenashi’s fingers start massaging his lower back roughly, fingers occasionally sliding to his butt crack.
Jin is watching, he knows. He wonders why on earth he decided to go along with this - it’s awkward with Kamenashi and Jin together, especially because of a certain incident Jin probably hasn’t found out about yet. Jin undoes his own zipper and pulls his member out of his briefs to fist it lightly. Yamapi wonders what the factor of them that turns him on is. For him it feels like a scene from an amateur porn clip, Kamenashi’s one hand on his scrotum and the other behind his back to keep him still and close while he trails kisses up and down his shaft, attempting to make it erect.
His eyelids slide shut. Kamenashi’s mouth is hot and wet as he takes him inside his mouth and sucks. There’s a bopping sound as he withdraws. He shivers as the cold air hits his moist skin but then Kamenashi is back, rougher and more determined. He’s starting to get there, starting to feel the swell. Jin moans next to him, eyes glued between his legs where Kamenashi is, looking back at him with dark eyes and messy hair, pink tongue poking out of his mouth as he teases the head of Yamapi’s cock.
He extends his hand experimentally and runs his fingers through Kamenashi’s hair as he works on him, breathes hotly against his skin and nibs at the tender skin of his inner thighs. Jin doesn’t object - maybe he doesn’t mind then. His fingers feel shaky as he keeps the hair away from Kamenashi’s face.
“Part your legs more,” Kamenashi instructs him and Yamapi obeys. His need is building up, the desperation to just have Kamenashi close. He wants to throw him to the bed and make him mewl and cry as he moves in and out of him, penis erect and demanding. It’s not the time for that yet, though, not at all. Kamenashi withdraws and dries his semi-erect member a little with his hand before he unwraps one of the condoms and slips it on. Jin hands the lube over to him, eyes clouded with lust.
Kamenashi uncaps the tube and spreads the lube helpfully around Yamapi’s shaft and testicles. It glistens in the light and feels cold against his flaccid member, even through the condom. Jin’s eyes are glued to them and Yamapi’s painfully aware of it as he tries not to react too strongly to the sleek movement of Kamenashi’s warm hand on his cock. It’s better than the last time without lube.
Kamenashi stretches one of the cock rings with his fingers and Yamapi’s breathing hitches. He hasn’t done this in a long while. It’s never been a habit because he’s never really felt like he would’ve needed it - these things belong more in his youth when every sex toy had to be tried out and penis size truly mattered. Kamenashi’s hands are steady and sure as he slips first one testicle in and then another. Yamapi breathes heavily and throws his head back as his shaft follows. Once he’s securely locked, Kamenashi rises to sit on his lap and kiss him, arms welcomingly wrapping themselves around him. He can’t help but kiss back eagerly, overwhelmed by the man’s presence and scent.
Jin’s on the bed on his knees, slipping his own cock ring on before pulling Kamenashi’s lips for a kiss, not removing him from Yamapi’s lap. This is what he wanted after all - to be a voyeur. “Come on, let’s get you geared up,” he murmurs and Yamapi can feel Kamenashi shiver on top of him. “Turn around,” Jin instructs until Kamenashi is sitting on his lap with his semi-hard erection awkwardly pressing against his ass. It’s infuriatingly frustrating. “Here we go.”
Kamenashi’s hand grips Jin’s shoulder while the man fists him a few times before securing him with a condom and a cock ring as well. Yamapi buries his face in the back of Kamenashi’s head. His hair smells of some fruity shampoo and feels soft and fluffy against his face. He runs his fingers down the younger man’s back, making him arch in arousal. Jin grins and kisses Kamenashi’s neck. There’s a sound of a faint whimper. Yamapi doesn’t know whose it is.
Jin stands on his knees, jeans still clinging to his hips. Kamenashi moves to let Yamapi move away from under him before he fists Jin firmly and takes him into his mouth, sucking while moving up and down his length. Yamapi puts a hand on his shoulder and Kamenashi immediately turns, looking up at him with dark and hazy eyes before grabbing his balls and granting him a similar kind of treatment. Jin grabs a hold of Kamenashi’s hair, guiding him roughly before pulling him back towards himself, groaning.
They’re all horny and pushy. Yamapi starts gaining confidence and pulls Kamenashi back towards him, guides him firmly with his own fingers sunken in Kamenashi’s locks as the man laps at his engorged length. Kamenashi fists Jin simultaneously. He’s efficient, one hand taking care of one man and lips going back and forth, creating infuriating waits as the other one’s turn comes.
He’s swollen beyond belief. It’s tight and hot, especially so thanks to the cock ring. His erection stands proudly as Kamenashi sucks and laps on the tip, eyes looking up at him lustily. Jin’s disappeared somewhere with a few swearwords as Kamenashi’s hands roughly grab Yamapi’s buttocks and squeeze them. He groans and gasps, giving in to the heated sensations.
Jin’s back soon, lifting Kamenashi up from his hips. Kamenashi turns his head to look back at him, see what he’s doing as he helps him down on all fours and spreads his buttocks. Yamapi feels hot as he looks at the object in Jin’s hand. His own cock keeps pulsating demandingly, driving him crazy and senseless.
“I can put it in,” he offers with a raspy voice and meets Jin’s eyes. Jin throws the object to him and he catches it, well-learned in this area already. Jin withdraws to the headboard and leans against it, caressing his erection with his long pianist fingers. Kamenashi doesn’t move so Yamapi does, one hand at the small of his back as he caresses Kamenashi’s entrance with the slick butt plug in his hand.
“Please,” Kamenashi moans. It sounds slightly artificial, too exaggerated as he perks his butt helpfully. “Put it in.” He’s shameless and Yamapi obeys him partially, pushing a few centimetres in while trying to feel the tremors that rack the man’s body. He moves his hand from Kamenashi’s back to his stomach. Kamenashi throws his head back and moans louder, trying to push against the toy. “More.”
Yamapi kisses him between his shoulder blades and pulls the plug out, making Kamenashi whimper in displeasure. “Does it feel good?” he finds himself whispering dirtily, getting carried away with the scene they’re creating. He hasn’t done anything like this in years. “Show me how much you want it.”
Jin moans, eyes half lidded as he studies them. Yamapi makes sure he sees, helps Kamenashi turn just a bit so that his ass is pointing straight at his boyfriend. He caresses Kamenashi’s butt crack up and down with the butt plug, making Kamenashi wail in frustration. “Just give it to me,” he demands breathlessly. Yamapi slaps his ass. “A-ah! Yamashita -”
“Yamapi,” Jin corrects quickly from afar, voice thick with arousal. “It’s Yamapi and Kame.” He shouldn’t have the right to give them permission to use such nicknames. Then again, it’s his fantasy they’re acting out. Yamapi nibs at Kamenas-, no, Kame’s nape and feels the man shivering violently in need.
“Have it then,” he finally obliges and slowly pushes the toy in. Kame gasps and pants, muscles clenching as he takes it in. Yamapi wonders if he should’ve stretched him, if he’ll be alright. Then again, Kame probably has sex regularly. He should be able to take it.
He lifts Kame up again, hears him mewl and cry softly at the sensation of the toy filling him up. He pulls him into a kiss and Kame’s thumbs swiftly circle over his perked nipples, granting him pleasure. Both of their bodies are heating up and forming sweat. Kame’s body slides just right against his as they press close to each other, crotches rubbing together hastily.
He wants Kame. He doesn’t think he’s ever wanted anything like this, not so physically and mentally at the same time it’s driving him crazy. He feels guilty and bad because sex shouldn’t be like this, it shouldn’t be just taking care of physical needs and mistreating one another but there’s nothing he can do about it right now, nothing he should do at least.
The erection is starting to become painful. Kamenashi turns around to Jin and kneels down again to press his head down between his legs. Jin moans heavily and wraps his legs around Kame’s upper body as the man starts giving him a more proper blowjob. He takes it in deep and tugs on it as he moves. One of his hands squeezes Jin’s thigh while the other pushes under Jin’s cock. He sucks his own fingers and spits on them before inserting two inside Jin at once. “Rub him from behind,” Jin sighs at Yamapi, whole body starting to move in waves to the pleasure. “Hold him.”
Yamapi kisses Kame’s perky buttocks before snaking his arms around the man’s hips and starting to rock against him. It’s not enough, it’s clumsy and hopeless and just not enough as he humps him, sometimes harder and sometimes managing to hold back and rub more gently. Kame whimpers around Jin’s cock and Yamapi grabs his erection to please him further. He doesn’t know how long Kame will be able to hold back anymore.
Kame’s lips are pink and wet as they keep sliding up and down Jin’s length, making loud and wet noises. Yamapi removes the butt plug and spreads the man’s legs - Kame’s open already, properly stretched by the toy. The tight ring of muscles clenches, expecting more. Jin nods at him, fingers entangled in Kame’s hair.
Yamapi pushes in and feels Kame flinching. His whole body trembles and he withdraws from Jin’s cock, eyes closed and lips pursed and parted. Jin keeps stroking his hair as he cries with every thrust Yamapi makes, who is listening to his cock rather than his head because he hasn’t had an erection like this in years and he really just can’t hold back anymore. His slams echo in the room and Kame moans, attempting to blow Jin simultaneously even though he’s visibly distracted from his task.
“Do it harder, Yamapi,” Jin urges him. He sounds like he’s near completion and his eyes keep taking in the view before him, Kame’s flushed face and the part where he becomes one with Yamapi. Kame’s fingers are still moving inside of Jin and he wails as he takes him in his mouth again, desperate and breathless. Yamapi slams in harder, fisting Kame as roughly as he can. He hopes he’s not hurting him too much. “Do you like him? Do you?”
“Yes,” Yamapi admits, clouded by his need to just fucking come already. “Yes…” He’s groaning, hips moving on their own accord as he drives into Kame’s heat and softness. All of them happen to cry out at the same time. It sends shivers running up his spine. “Fuck.”
He comes inside of Kame with a violent shove and a loud groan. His whole body trembles as he rides his orgasm - it’s strong and he feels sensitive all over, especially around his shaft to the point of it being painful. He cries out sharply as he pulls his member out, still fisting Kame towards his release. Kame’s moaning, his hips moving even with Yamapi gone. He rubs himself against the mattress despite Yamapi’s ministrations. “Jin,” he cries out, fingers digging in the said man’s hips. Jin’s fisting himself, aware of the waves of ecstasy riding over Kame. “Oh god.”
Kame shoots up as he comes with a wail. He collapses against Yamapi’s chest, panting heavily. Jin spills his seeds soon after and goes limp against the headboard, head resting on one shoulder. Yamapi lets himself fall to lie down on the mattress, pulling Kame with him.
After a moment they all remove their cock rings and condoms. No one bothers getting up, though. Jin pulls Kame against his chest and cuddles him sweetly, giving him an occasionally kiss every now and then. Yamapi lies on Kame’s other side and eventually covers them with the blanket, starting to get cold. It’s autumn already, after all.
Jin falls asleep with one hand resting on Kame’s hip and one somewhere over his head. Yamapi doesn’t see Kame’s face, doesn’t know anything. There’s a lump in his throat and he kind of really wants to just get up and go home, unable to take it anymore. Being so close yet having to watch as Jin holds him against his chest like this hurts.
Kame flinches as he snuggles up against his back, pressing close. He doesn’t say anything, though, doesn’t even look back. Yamapi doesn’t know why it is - does he want him to touch him, or does he just not want Jin to wake up and create drama. They’re both still hiding their encounter the night before their first official meeting as Jin’s friend and boyfriend. Sometimes he wonders if there was something behind it after all, other than getting back at Jin. Most of the time, though, he understands it probably doesn’t matter either way.
After a good fifteen minutes of silence or so, Kamenashi presses back against him. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even fully show he’s awake. He probably must be.
This is as close as they’ll get to each other, and this will probably be the last time too. Yamapi closes his eyes and tries to swallow down the bitter taste in his mouth while listening to the couple breathing right beside him. He’ll wake up in the morning and they’ll all go on like this never happened.
Just like the other time never happened either.
--
His apathetic mood switches on the moment he’s hugged goodbye the last children leaving the nursery school. He feels distant and alone as he wishes a good evening to his co-workers and packs his belongings in his bag, ready to go home. Home doesn’t sound particularly inviting, though - it’s filled with memories and memories of a life he can’t have.
He needs a drink, outdoors. No company, though - everyone’s probably busy and tired, and besides, he’s feeling quite solitary. There’s no one he can talk to about these things because it’s all wrong and messed up. Everything has to be kept under a rag because they’re not to be spoken of unless he wants to make the sky fall down.
He gets off the metro, following the mass of people returning home from work. The streetlights have already been lit - winter is quickly approaching with its darkness and chilliness. Yamapi pushes his hands in the pockets of his autumn jacket, wishing it’d be just a bit thicker.
He makes it through a few intersections before he sees the familiar sign greeting him from afar. He feels oddly calmer than he’s felt for days. There’s an apathetic emptiness inside of him, one he doesn’t manage to shake off. There are mental images of Jin sleeping with his arm wrapped around Kame’s naked back, head buried in the crook of his neck with hair sprawled everywhere. Kame there too - hand stroking Jin’s hair with a light touch of affection, careful not to wake him up.
He gulps anxiously. It’s been weeks, he should get over it. He’s seen the pair afterwards too. They all gathered at Ryo’s place to watch some American movie with epic chases and exploding cars, the usual shit. He doesn’t even remember the plot anymore.
His love is hopeless and he should just drop it like he’s supposed to. He should ignore the nagging in his head about Jin and other girls because Jin’s at ease with Kame and he would’ve told him if he felt that troubled because they’re best friends and they actually tell each other stuff. He should stop bringing up excuses to whisk Kame to his own boat. He won’t succeed in it anyway.
He pulls the door open and steps in, greeted by warmth and music. It’s still too early for the bar to be packed, but some co-workers and friends are occupying a table here and there. There’s a man on the bar counter, hair already turning white. He looks depressed.
Yamapi starts heading towards the bar counter himself before something catches his eye. There’s a familiar denim jacket and ruffled mid-brown hair. He stops in the middle of the room, narrowing his eyes. Nail polish too, black. Kame.
He stands still for a while, just watching. Kame inhales from his cigarette and releases smoke through his nostrils, bitter enough to challenge the pain. His eyes are glued to the stage where a middle-aged woman sits on a stool, strumming an upbeat rhythm with her acoustic guitar. There’s a vintage suitcase sitting next to his chair, too large to fit under the table.
Sighing, he gives into the pull and lets his feet move towards the young man. Kamenashi turns his head, acknowledging his presence. He heaves and butts his half-burnt cigarette to the ashtray. The smoke trails up and Kamenashi takes a big gulp of his scotch, grimaces and looks up at him.
“You’ve got a suitcase,” Yamapi notes as he sits down. Kame’s still smacking his lips, tasting the traces of alcohol. He looks relatively sober, but not very good otherwise. He hasn’t even bothered with the bracelets. “Are you going somewhere?”
“I was,” Kamenashi admits and smirks bitterly as he deposits his lighter in his cigarette case which he pockets like it would bother Yamapi. It doesn’t very much, he’s got chain smoker friends who don’t give a shit about what he thinks. It isn’t like he wouldn’t occasionally smoke either, when he’s offered and stressed out by life and whatnot. “Now I don’t know.”
“How so?” Yamapi prompts him gently. There’s applause around them - the woman has finished playing. Kame sighs deeply and claps his own hands together for a few times.
“She was good,” he justifies with a shrug and drinks more of his whiskey.
“Kame,” Yamapi insists. He wonders if Kame has left Jin. Cruelly enough… he quite hopes so. Kame meets his eyes from across the table and swallows uneasily. He looks quite apathetic. It’s not a very usual mood for him. Mostly it just makes Yamapi want to wrap Kame in his arms, hold him until he melts.
“I was going to my friend’s. But he’s got his long distance girlfriend over. I don’t want to be a bother,” Kame gulps, scratching his nose. “I only remembered once I left. My other good friend is out of town because of work. One has a university exam tomorrow. Others… I don’t feel good just… butting in.” He smiles a bit, humoured by his foul luck. “So I don’t know. I might just hit a motel. If I have the money.”
“Why won’t you go home?” Yamapi insists. Kame’s leg moves hesitantly, bumps against his suitcase as if to confirm it’s still safely there and not growing feet to walk away. “Did you have a fight?” He does his best not to sound too gentle with his voice, acknowledging Kame’s hatred for being treated like he’s made of porcelain which he isn’t. He just prefers not to talk. It works for him. It’s just that this information feels vital for him too.
“Not really,” Kame answers, tilting his head a little in wonder. “I just packed my necessities and left in the morning. He smelled like perfume,” he reasons, licks his lips and laughs hollowly. “I’m paranoid,” he admits and shakes his head. Yamapi reaches over the table to squeeze his triceps firmly. “He’ll probably start calling me soon when he realises I left. I should go back.”
“Hey.” He snaps his fingers next to Kame’s face to snap him out of his daze. Kame looks at him, lips pressed tightly together and eyes alert. He looks ready to get judged. It’s upsetting. “You don’t need to do anything,” he tries to offer his support. His mouth is dry by now, making gulping difficult.
Kame grinds his teeth and watches as an old man makes his way to the stage. He starts playing the piano and singing so mournfully that Yamapi can’t make out the majority of the lyrics. He isn’t completely sure they’re Japanese, though. Could be anything for all he knows.
“Do you have to be here?” Kame snaps suddenly, breaking the pregnant silence around them. Yamapi looks at him, heart pounding painfully. Suddenly Kame looks much more desperate and out of it, confused with himself. He wishes he knew what to think of it.
“Why not?” he asks quietly, urging Kame to spill the beans. The man gulps and swirls the thick liquid in his glass, trying to restrain himself. His lips are slightly pursed but the harshness doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s melancholy, if anything.
“Because you make me want to go with you.”
Kame bites his lips. He seems ashamed of his words, on the verge of self-hatred. Yamapi’s heart skips a bit as he watches Kame, observes him as he avoids his gaze by staring at the old man on the stage. The piano flows through them. It doesn’t sound like Jin, though - Jin plays contemporary music, complex with a simple sound. This is more classical. It isn’t bad, at least for him.
“You could,” he offers, not knowing if he’s making things worse. Kame laughs shortly. He looks exhausted, beautifully broken. “He cheats,” he tries to help Kame to justify it, tries to make him swallow the hook. Kame looks at him tiredly. He looks desperate for acceptance and a reason to let go. “You wouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You can just stay the night if that’s what you want.”
Kame’s gaze drops to his lips before climbing back up again. His lips are parted and there’s a soft thud as he puts his glass down on the table with a shaky hand. Yamapi gulps, afraid of fucking everything up. He doesn’t want to be insensitive.
“You make me want to do something.” Kame heaves. There’s painful longing in his eyes as he stares deep into Yamapi’s. Yamapi finds his hand across the table and entwines their fingers. His palm is sweaty. Kame’s is hot. “I’m in a relationship.”
“Did you like it?” Yamapi whispers, the sound barely audible to Kame who shivers as an answer. He doesn’t look happy, doesn’t look flirtatious - he just looks true and genuine, burdened but yearning. He’s just a human being just like everyone else, he’s an owner of a heart he has carried for someone for eight long years, believing in receiving something he hasn’t gotten. “With me?”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about the cheating part,” Kame admits with a raw voice, pressing tighter with his fingers as if to hold on to him. “It… I didn’t like it. I hated it. Cheating.” Kame’s breath deepens anxiously. “If it hadn’t been for that, though… Yes. I think… Yes.”
“I’m not going to wait for you forever,” Yamapi reminds Kame with a serious tone, watches his eyes widen ever so slightly in understanding. Maybe subtle things like that are the ones that swoon and make him fall in love with him so vividly. “You’ve got to make a choice.”
“I can’t risk it. I can’t do it yet,” Kame inhales shakily. His hold loosens but Yamapi doesn’t let go, doesn’t even think about letting go. “What?”
“You don’t have to choose now,” Yamapi gulps and uses his free hand to gently swipe Kame’s hair behind his ear. The man shivers at the contact, tensing up anxiously. Yamapi can only hope he won’t run now, that he isn’t pressing too much. “But… you can… have options.”
“Options?” Kame encourages him to elaborate, his voice choked, barely leaving his mouth. Yamapi makes sure to look serious and sound serious - with someone else he wouldn’t even suggest it, or if he did he’d do it jokingly, but now isn’t the time for jokes. Kame doesn’t work like that.
“If he can do multiple people at the same time, why can’t you do two?” Yamapi suggests. He has this terrible feeling of someone sneaking up on them and hearing everything, of losing everything just when he might be about to get it all. “It’s not his privilege.”
“It’s different,” Kame insists. He doesn’t shake his head though, doesn’t seem to completely refuse his offer. He’s considering. Yamapi doesn’t think his heart has ever beaten so fast. He wonders if Kame can feel it through his hand. “Jin just sleeps around. This… would be more. This would be a relationship.”
“But it’s only one person,” Yamapi argues back, not willing to lose his chance when he’s so close he can almost taste it. “We’d both be on trial. You can’t make a decision if you don’t know what you could have.”
“No.”
Uncertain. Kame fidgets, turns his head away a little in refusal. He tugs on his hand but doesn’t force it away from Yamapi’s hold. He’s hesitating, afraid of choosing wrong and having to live with his decision.
He’s harbouring feelings.
“Then tell me one more thing, Kame…” Yamapi prompts him, cornering him with his demanding stare. Kame’s defiant, staring back unyieldingly. He’s almost ready to take a leap of faith, though. Yamapi just needs to pull and he’ll come along. He’s sure. “Are you happy?”
Something withers behind his eyes. His fingers curl a little, brush against Yamapi’s. The silence grows between them. He waits for Kame to break it. Please, just break it. Come out to the open, because the answer is obvious already. Has always been, perhaps.
“No,” Kame whispers through his parted lips. He looks ready to shatter but unwilling. If the eight years he’s fought for his love have given him anything, it’s strength. It’s not something anyone can get without encountering something so hard. It’s something Yamapi doesn’t have. “…I’m not.”
“That should already give you the answer,” Yamapi encourages him gently and gets up on his feet, letting go of Kame’s hand that stays on the table. Kame’s blinking, growing panicky by his sudden withdrawal. Yamapi doesn’t know what goes through his mind, what kind of awful scenarios he’s thinking of.
He thinks he doesn’t need a drink after all. This was well enough.
“I’ll see you around,” he says gently, trying to calm Kame down at least. The man looks dumbfounded and calculative - if Yamapi imagines it hard enough, he can almost hear a mechanical sound of wheels turning and squeaking against each other. He walks, though, waits, expects, hopes but walks, doesn’t push it. He won’t achieve anything by pushing it too far. Not anything he’d want to have.
The silence continues. He passes by tables and gives up hope, fights not to look back at Kame and his lonely glass of whiskey, his suitcase and desperation. He tries not to think of him returning home and trying to put his belongings back so that Jin won’t suspect anything and worry. So that he won’t cause trouble.
Kame’s heart can make him such an idiot.
“Yamapi, wait,” the raised voice reaches his ears and he turns, raising his eyebrows. Kame’s up on his feet, breathless. His scotch glass has been emptied and he’s crouched down, hand fumbling for his suitcase.
Something warm spreads inside Yamapi as Kame makes his way over, wobbly on his feet. He takes the bag from Kame wordlessly and nods before heading towards the front door. Kame follows right behind him, silent and anxious but not unsure. He’s made his choice.
At the secrecy of his home, Kame kisses him. He holds his face close with his hands gently cupping it, fingers entangled in a few stray strands. The kiss is sweet, gentle and slow. Their teeth clang together at first while they clumsily seek for unity but the soft suction of Kame’s lips makes all the pain and embarrassment melt away.
The mobile phone in Kame’s back pocket vibrates insistently. They pretend like it doesn’t, holding each other close like a long lost love rediscovered. Yamapi doubts he’s ever loved someone like that.
--
--> part 3/4