fic: The Cerulean Hours (and what it takes to paint them cyan) (5/5)
The wedding drags on till late. Kame’s mother insists that Yuya, he and Jin sleep over at the family house. Kame tries to deny her request but can’t come up with a reason good enough to shake her off. Jin seems dubious about the situation but doesn’t flee. Kame thinks he should probably respect his courage more.
His mother puts a pot of water on the stove, preparing to serve tea like a good host should. His father has a conversation with Jin - they seem to get along surprisingly well, and Kame’s feeling a little hopeful. At least he seems to appreciate Jin as a person if not as Kame’s possible lifetime partner.
“Yuya, you can take the guest room with the wide bed,” his mother talks to them. “Kazuya, I’ll get futons to your and Yuya’s old room for you and your friend to sleep on.”
Kame’s not surprised. His mother is always subtle about her requests. Kame doesn’t know what she’s thinking though - that he’d sleep with a man under his parents’ roof? He thinks he’s been brought up better to do that, especially since his sexuality still doesn’t sit well with the family. He’ll keep his private life at his own apartment.
“Mum, don’t be ridiculous,” Yuya snarls though, not quite as fine with their mother’s unreasonable behaviour. “Kazuya and his date can share the bed. He’s finally seeing someone again and the guy doesn’t seem to be so bad, can’t you just let them be?”
“Yuya,” she snaps quietly. Kame glances over his shoulder - his father and Jin don’t seem to have noticed the argument as his father keeps pulling Jin to the living room, for whatever reason that is. Kame figures they’ll be fine alone, at least until this can get sorted out.
“You can’t make Kazuya heterosexual so maybe you should just finally try to get over it before you do more damage,” Yuya snarls, exposing his teeth. Kame’s never really seen any of his brothers standing up for him before. It makes him feel awkward. “For god’s sake, you’ve got three boys who like women, isn’t that enough? It’s not Kazuya’s fault, he’s not having it easy because of it!”
“Yuya, stop it,” Kame stops his younger brother, not wanting to hear more of it. His mother looks hurt and that’s not what Kame wants either - he loves his mother. “Don’t talk like that to mum.”
“Thank you, Kazuya,” his mother mumbles. Kame sighs and runs his hands through his hair. He feels stressed out again and can’t wait to get Jin out of the house. It’s much easier when he can pretend like his sexuality doesn’t exist at all.
“I’ll be fine with any sleeping arrangements,” he swallows bitterly. “It’s just sleeping, it doesn’t matter. I sleep on the futon at home all the time, I don’t mind it. Jin isn’t too much of an elite to mind either.”
“Kazuya.”
He turns around, flinching at his mother’s voice. Yuya’s looking from their mother to Kame and back, clearly upset. Their mother bites her lip, contemplating. Kame just wants to leave the conversation already, but doesn’t dare to defy their mother.
“…I’m sorry,” she sighs and Kame nods dumbly, not entirely sure what she’s apologizing for. She motions for him to come closer and Kame does, feeling her arms wrap around him. She strokes her fingers through his hair soothingly and kisses his forehead. Kame lets her, enjoying the faint fragrance of her perfume.
“I’m proud of you,” she finally says as she withdraws, still holding onto his shoulders to keep him at arm length. “You know I’m proud of you, Kazuya. Don’t you?”
Kame feels tears swelling in his eyes. He presses his lips tightly together and tries to keep his breathing calm and deep. Normally he’d probably cry - he’s always been emotional like that and the family home makes him feel somehow safe. But he holds the tears because Jin is in the living room and he doesn’t need to see him in that state. There’d be too much to explain.
“I know, mum,” he answers quietly with a thick voice. She nods and pinches his cheek, choking back tears too.
“You can have the bed,” she sighs, strained and tired but determined. “…Just make sure you’re happy, alright? Don’t let him treat you wrongly. He seems like a good man.”
“He is,” Kame agrees. Jin is a good man - he’s probably something many people wish for but never come across. He’s annoyingly self-conscious, at times perhaps a bit too childish for his age and just frustratingly all over the place, but his heart is made of gold and he’s as loyal as they can get, Kame thinks. “I’ll go and make sure dad doesn’t scare him out of here,” he mumbles and his mother lets go of his shoulders, nodding. Yuya accompanies him, notably calmer too now.
“You’re her favourite,” his younger brother tells him quietly. “That’s why it’s so hard for her. You were always her favourite.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kame shakes his head and ruffles Yuya’s hair affectionately, pulling him close. He’s missed home.
“You weren’t kidding when you said you were an ugly kid,” Jin’s voice greets him merrily as they step in the living room. He’s sitting on a pillow on the floor next to his father, family albums spread out on the floor in their leather covers. Kame feels his face flushing scarlet. Yuya laughs and pats his back, proclaiming that he likes Jin’s guts for saying something like that straight to Kame’s face with such a happy look on his face.
“Well he looks much better now,” Jin insists as Kame sits down next to him, eyeing the old photographs from his school years suspiciously. Normally he avoids them - there’s nothing good to look back to. They were probably the unhappiest years of his life. “It’s like some metamorphosis.”
“Kazuya used to love baseball,” his father blabbers happily and pulls out another album. “He could’ve been an award-winning pitcher, ask anyone. It’s such a shame he dropped it. You had some talent in you, son.”
Jin takes the photo book curiously and Kame falls silent. He looks at the photos, feeling nausea slowly creeping in. He sees his old bat and signed glove and a childish grin. The photos start from him holding a baseball in his hand at the age of five and are put in time order until his high school years, hitting a homerun. Kame still remembers the moment, the overwhelming euphoria.
“It was seriously just a matter of time until some big guy would’ve come knocking on our door to recruit him,” his father explains enthusiastically. He’s a sports freak - since childhood Kame and his brothers have been pushed to every sports available to find “their thing”. Yuya still plays baseball. He’s good in Kame’s opinion, but somehow in family meetings the talk always turns to his glamorous baseball years. It makes Kame hate the whole thing even more.
“Eh? Why did you quit playing?” Jin asks him with a surprised tone. Kame flinches. Jin’s completely oblivious to the nasty nagging the whole topic has on him and he doesn’t feel too happy to explain it. Not with the presence of his family at least - Kame’s sure they always sensed that something was wrong with the way he just suddenly one day walked home, telling his parents anxiously that he’s going to stop playing and refusing to go to practice or games ever since. They pestered him about it for a few years before they let it go, figuring if he hadn’t opened his mouth about it at that point, he never would.
“Too much fame too soon, probably,” his father shrugs, taking the album from Jin and looking at the pictures happily. “He was different back then, always avoiding the spotlight. I guess he’s still like that. Son, you could get a lot further with your writing if you’d take some more credit for your work,” he scolds him and Kame grimaces. “Kazuya’s a tad bit shy.”
“I wouldn’t have guessed,” Jin admits as they skim through the pictures, laughing and telling little stories about Kame’s childhood. There’s him learning how to drive a bike without training wheels, singing in a choir during secondary school and holding his first published book on the release day, grinning widely and flashing a peace sign. They’re a bit better memories.
Their mother saves him soon enough by inviting them for tea before going to bed. She doesn’t talk much as she studies Jin calculatingly. They talk about the wedding and who had the prettiest dresses, small little chitchat with no point at all.
When they crawl to bed and Jin hugs his body close in the darkness, Kame feels melancholic. Jin’s fingers brush the exposed skin of his lower back absently. He’s lost in thought, not looking at Kame. It doesn’t matter.
“I was played with all the way through secondary school,” Jin talks quietly, his voice dull and heavy. “I was just the hot older guy. No one really liked me, not actually. No one thought I was good for anything but dating. I guess it made people cool to date me and have sex with me. I know it’s stupid to have sex at that age, don’t even say it,” he grumbles and tightens his hold of Kame. “It just… Everyone just used me all the time. I never saw through them.”
It explains many weird situations in their past, Kame notes and pecks Jin’s lips lightly. His chest feels tight. He can see Jin as the uncertain kid during his secondary school years. He can see him falling in love with people showing him affection and having his heart broken over and over again, just for a bit of mean fun.
“I was bullied,” Kame confesses himself. “Always a little but it got out of hands in high school after the word that I was gay got out. Some team members attacked me in the shower rooms. They… did some nasty stuff. Not too far but… pretty far,” he gulps and buries his face in Jin’s neck. “So I quit baseball. Everyone rejected me.”
“I wish it wouldn’t have been that,” Jin sniffs. He buries his face in Kame’s hair and Kame suspects he’s crying. Something feels a bit wet against his scalp.
“Me too,” he answers and strokes Jin’s back soothingly. “I really do.”
--
Watanabe calls him, asking for an update of his feelings towards the potential contract with the publishing company. Kame grimaces as he sits on his desk and stares at his cerulean walls. He bites his lip and swirls the wine in his glass anxiously.
“I don’t want it. How’s it going with other publishers?” he gulps, smelling at the fruity aroma of the dark red liquid.
“Just as I thought it would,” Watanabe lets out a heavy exhale and Kame can sense his stressing. “Kamenashi, I think you should sign the contract. It’s the best you can get.”
“I can’t write like that,” Kame admits his suspicions with an upset voice. He stares at the thick files containing handwritten stories. He pulls the latest on his lap and skims through it sadly, wondering if it’ll ever get printed at all. “It’s impossible.”
“It needs to be renewed in five years,” Watanabe reminds him. “After that the situation could be different. But as a short-term solution, I think you should take it or it might very well be the end of your career.”
It’s not what he wants to hear. Five years means ten books and the whole pressing situation is successfully sucking out his willingness to even write anymore. His touch with literature has felt a bit off lately as well - it was much easier back in the days when Takeo had been the centre of his attention, when he had sat him down and given him papers and a pen, telling him to just keep writing. Takeo had loved it. Literature and Kame’s works. He’d shown him the world of fiction and inspired him to pursue it.
He doesn’t really want to let go. After Takeo’s death it’s been like satisfying his final wish and showing the respect he has for the man. His hands start shaking as he thinks about it, thinks of how things had been back then near the end - he chokes back a sob and covers his eyes, tears swelling in his eyes.
“Kamenashi-san? Are you alright?”Watanabe’s voice questions him gently. Kame gasps for air and tries to blink the tears away. He knows it’s something he’ll regret forever and he can’t change it now, not anymore. He wishes they would’ve been given a bit more time.
“I’ll think about it,” he promises with a strained voice. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go.”
“Call me,” Watanabe requests softly. Kame sniffs and mumbles something agreeing before he cuts the call and buries his face in his hands. The room feels suffocating now. Cerulean is the colour of grief, one he doesn’t know how to overcome. He lets out a shaky sob as he looks at them, unable to figure out what to do next.
He takes a shower to calm himself down and keep any stupid actions at bay. Afterwards he calls Jin, begging him to come and shut his fucking walls up, because he’s way too tired and scared to look at them anymore.
Jin forces him to come over to his studio where they drink instant coffee quietly and talk about possible decorations. It’s not the first time Kame feels like he’s taking a huge leap into something unknown.
--
Jin’s got a ladder standing against Kame’s wall. Kame fidgets nervously with his feet down on the ground and looks up at the man with his hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and a palette of paints in his hands. He isn’t sure if it’s such a great idea.
“I’ve always had my walls plain,” he mumbles anxiously as he watches Jin spreading paint with his brush over the rough material of the wall. Almost fantasy-likely shaped brown branches are slowly growing form one of the upper corners of his wall. Jin’s very careful with his work and the wood looks alive as Kame examines it from the ground. “What if I hate them?”
“At the danger of hurting my feelings, you can always get cerulean paint and colour them up,” Jin answers him, his brush still working on the wall. “I’ll make them so you’ll love them, don’t worry too much.”
“You’re messing with my walls, of course I’m worried,” Kame groans and buries his face in his hands. He feels a bit helpless. It’s a process of moving on and he’s determined to survive through it, but it isn’t exactly easy.
“Trust me. Go do something,” Jin mumbles and looks down at him. His lips are pursed and brow furrowed and he looks snappy and annoyed. He swipes more paint from the palette to his brush and makes one branch curl lightly at the end.
“I don’t know,” Kame mumbles as he lies down on the floor, his neck starting to ache from the constant arch backwards. “I think I like watching you paint. And I want to be here for it. I’m sorry for wasting your paints and time on this, I know you should be planning your exhibition,” he sighs apologetically and drums his fingers on his stomach. Jin chuckles from high up and starts painting cherry blossoms with a delicate pink colour.
Jin’s passionate about painting, Kame can tell. First he paints the bases for everything and Kame looks at the simple but plain paintings of cherry tree branches in their beautiful glory. Afterwards he climbs down to wash his brushes and soon climbs back with smaller ones to do decorations. The night starts falling and Kame turns the ceiling lamp on but Jin doesn’t stop. Slowly but surely the flower petals look soft to touch and branches real enough to carry him would he attempt to climb on them.
They’re beautiful. His step to the unknown blossoms on his walls and he smiles tiredly as he peers at them from the floor. Suddenly his room is much less sad and a lot fuller of love and life. It makes Kame appreciate Jin’s output to death. He acknowledges that he’s fortunate to come across him and have him pursue him so passionately even though he can’t promise him anything. He’s a man to whom a chance is enough as long as it’s genuine.
The metal ladder creak as Jin carefully comes down, holding on dearly to his brushes. Kame gets up from the floor and smiles at him gratefully, pulling him close for a well-earned kiss. A wet brush slides over Kame’s cheek and makes him shiver. He frowns and withdraws, trying to wipe the light brown substance off. He laughs as Jin stares at him dumbly.
“Oops,” he chuckles and withdraws from Jin and his brushes amusedly. “My bad. I’ll have to learn to be careful with you. I’ll go and wash this off.”
“Wait!” Jin suddenly exclaims and grabs his wrist with his brush hand. Kame stares at him confusedly - Jin looks really desperate and out of it all of a sudden. Kame can see that he’s thinking but doesn’t know about what. He waits patiently for the man to snap out of it.
“…Can I?” Jin asks suddenly quietly. “Just. Just stay still, okay? Stay still for a while, I think I need to try out something.”
“Huh?” Kame asks, surprised. Then he feels something wet slide down his cheek and he frowns, shaken up by the weird sensation. Jin looks visibly excited about something and looks like he’s experiencing some sort of enlightening thought as he smears paint over Kame’s skin and colours him. Kame’s scared he’s going to get paint in his eyes or that it’s toxic as Jin brushes different shades of pink on his lips, his face close as he works carefully to perfect what he’s doing.
“Take your shirt off,” Jin demands as he removes his ponytail and ties Kame’s hair up messily, most of his hair falling out straightaway. Kame feels him pull him next to his desk where he sets his palette and obeys Jin awkwardly, starting to unbutton his shirt. It slides off his shoulders just as Jin finishes up with his neck and starts moving downwards. Kame feels awfully self-conscious.
His first guess would be to blame it on some weird kink Jin has - who knows what an artist fantasizes about, and Jin’s never really approached him with any oddities yet. But something in the look on his face argues against it - he’s serious. Not in the dead serious kind of way but in the dedicated one. He looks like the entire world is unravelling around him.
Kame grows quite fond of the look. The paint dries slowly on his skin. It’s cold and he feels his hair standing at the edge. It’s cold, given that it’s nearing Christmas quickly and he can detect a faint rain hitting on his window at the other side of the apartment.
Jin slides his homey and baggy aureolin trousers off and whisks them somewhere as he starts painting Kame’s legs. Kame’s surprised to see that he isn’t actually doing anything particularly special or flashy - it’s more like he’s painting Kame’s skin as it is. The brush is large and so are the strokes so even though the colour matches his skin, darker where some shadows fall, he starts looking like a living and walking painting.
“Can I paint over your boxers? I’ll buy you a new pack”, Jin promises and Kame nods dumbly, feeling the brush spreading black over them as soon as Jin gets permission. Once Jin is finished he walks all the way to the other end of the room to examine his work. Kame fidgets nervously, not quite sure how to stand.
“Turn around? Please?” Jin requests and Kame does as he’s asked, showing Jin his painted back. He feels awkward being examined like that, but he doesn’t want to disturb Jin’s creative process. He’s smiling as he makes his way back, all toothy grin and happy look on his face.
“I figured it out. My exhibition, I figured it out,” he gasps giddily, eyes sparkling. Kame tilts his head. He isn’t so sure what’s so great about it, but then again arts never were his thing.
“So um. What?” he asks. He wonders about the hell he’ll have to go through to get the paint off his skin and starts worrying if it’s even the sort that comes off - he hadn’t asked Jin and, well, Jin isn’t always one off the most thoughtful people. “What about it?”
“What completes it. Makes it it, makes it special, makes it contemporary, I know it!” he exclaims and throws his paints and the palette to Kame’s kitchen sink. He laughs and it echoes joyously from Kame’s walls. Kame can’t resist chuckling at Jin’s sudden carefree mood. He thinks he might love it.
“What?”
“People, you dumbass!” Jin laughs at him like he’d be the stupid one. “You’re a painting now. A human painting. I’ll paint models and make them wander around the exhibition. It’s perfect. It makes a statement, it’s bold, it’s just… I finally figured it out,” he grins. Kame frowns, starting to hesitate a bit.
“You’re not planning to leave me like this, are you?” he snarls uneasily and Jin blinks. Then he curses and grabs his paint bottles to peer at their labels. He seems a bit panicky.
Kame makes a run for the shower. It takes them the rest of the night to get the paint off, and Kame’s skin feels raw and peeled afterwards.
--
Jin’s at a meeting with the gallery owner, negotiating about the upcoming exhibition. Kame on the other hand sits at a nearby café with Yamapi, eating strawberry cake and drinking latte. It’s nice catching up with him - apparently he’s been busy touring Japan as a background dancer to some bigger artist, going as far as to Hokkaido. Yamapi tells him stories about snow and cold and Kame laughs, honestly thinking Yamapi is overreacting. Yamapi claims that he’s more of a warm weather lover like Jin and gets side-tracked enough to tell him stories about their visits to Hawaii some years back.
“I’ve got a question for you,” Kame finally opens his mind towards the end of the meal while Yamapi’s scraping off the last crumbs from his plate. Yamapi raises his gaze curiously as he puts his spoon in his mouth and sucks it clean.
“What?”
“What is Jin like in relationships?” Kame gets the courage to ask. Yamapi muses at him, looking smug and happy. Kame gulps - he knows Yamapi and Jin are alike, showing their feelings easily to their friends, but it’s still a bit awkward to confess about his slowly forming plans to him. He thinks it’s better to know beforehand, though.
“You’re the one who’s been dating him, shouldn’t you be the expert?” he chuckles at him teasingly and leans over the table. Kame shrugs. They haven’t really gone to the whole “boyfriends” thing, so it doesn’t really count. Not the same way.
“How does he treat people he really dates?” he presses and wipes his mouth with his napkin. He feels his appetite disappearing and decides to leave his coffee unfinished as he waits for Yamapi to hopefully answer his questions. Yamapi shrugs, looking thoughtful. Kame wonders if he even knows any better than him.
“In a way he’s like an annoying puppy,” Yamapi nods, playing with a crumb on his plate with his spoon. “Following them around and trying to awaken their affectionate sides to make them pet him and make him feel important and loved. He’s the sort of person who’ll date proudly. Because… well… Jin doesn’t date if he can’t see himself spending the rest of his life with the person,” Yamapi shrugs. “It’s not an engagement or anything. It’s just that there’s a chance and he’s going to do his best to see if it’ll take him there.”
“Does he… I mean… How does he take time apart?” Kame asks anxiously, gripping the fabric of his jeans over his knee in his fist. “Other people, fights, all the bad stuff.”
“He can be a bit possessive,” Yamapi admits and Kame licks his lips anxiously. “I think the worst you can do to offend him is cheat on him. But he’s cool with close friends and everything as long as he feels important too. He can get a bit sharp-tongued in fights but mostly he flees rather than attacks. He’s a bit of a coward, even if he acts tough.”
“Hmm,” Kame nods, looking out of the window thoughtfully. Yamapi senses his uncertainness and chuckles awkwardly from the other end of the table.
“Then again… isn’t everyone like that?” he asks gently. “Everyone who’s really serious about you anyway.”
It makes Kame calm down a bit. He smiles at Yamapi a bit absently and thanks him.
He has a feeling that Yamapi’s for Jin what Koki is for him. He’s good with words and support and cares to the point of fighting for his friend. Kame wonders what problems they’ve come through together. He knows they’ve known each other since nursery, so it has to be a lot.
He’s glad Jin’s had a shoulder to lean on through the bad times. It’s a reason good enough to hold respect for Yamapi.
“He really likes you, you know,” Yamapi mumbles, trying to say it like just some sudden meaningless thing even though they both know very well he means more with it. “I think he’s surprised himself too.”
Kame smiles and thinks he might really have to consider taking the final leap to the unknown. He just hopes Jin will be waiting with his arms wide open to catch him as he falls.
--
It’s nearly Christmas. The air outside is cold and Kame zips up his winter coat and pulls his woollen mittens on as he gets prepared to leave the cosy warmth of his apartment. The air feels heavy today and there are dark clouds soaring up in the sky. The wind howls outside and Kame opens his front door clumsily with his mittens, surprised to see Koki standing outside, waiting for him.
“Yo,” he greets him. He isn’t smiling, isn’t forcing Kame to smile because of some stupid social norms. He just closes the door behind an appalled Kame and checks that the door is locked before he throws an arm around his shoulders comfortingly.
“I’ll drive you,” he offers as they start making their way down the stairs. “Then we’ll go to that Yamapi’s pre-Christmas party, right? You wouldn’t miss it. Jin will be there.”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” Kame confirms and leans against Koki’s support. He wonders how Koki had figured out his plans, but finally assumes that maybe the man really just knows him well enough.
They get into Koki’s van. When Koki starts driving Kame turns the radio on. It plays Christmas carols quietly and Kame chuckles, figuring that Koki’s the type to have his radio tuned to a channel that starts the celebrations weeks early. It’s quite calming though, which is something he’s grateful for.
“Are you alright?” Koki asks him after a brief stop at a flower shop. Kame’s holding a beautiful bouquet of blue flowers in his hands. He strokes the petals quietly and shrugs. Even years from the incident, he still isn’t quite sure.
“Better,” he slowly tries to articulate his feelings. He sighs deeply and looks up from the flowers and ahead on the streets. There’s a hollow pit in his stomach that aches, but the hurt is slightly milder now. He has people waiting for him, even one sitting right by his side. He figures things could be much worse.
“There are just so many regrets,” he decides to continue. Koki keeps silent, knowing he needs time to give words to his thoughts - he’s good at writing books, but when it comes to talking about something personal he can prove to be absolutely useless. “I didn’t want him to die thinking I hated him. I can never take that back.”
He looks down a little. Koki fishes a packet of tissues from his pocket and tosses it to him - prepared, as expected. Kame doesn’t take one. He doesn’t feel like he needs it. At least not yet. But he appreciates the gesture.
“I know you don’t really like him,” Kame sighs and looks out of the window, unable to face his friend. “But it wasn’t really always that bad.”
“He beat you up,” Koki snarls, unable to hide his still overwhelming emotions about the matter from his voice. “Nothing excuses that.”
Kame recalls the event. Things between them had been stressed for months by that point - Takeo didn’t appreciate his developing friendship with Koki one bit. He’d been jealous and possessive, always controlling everything Kame did. Before it had been easier, back when he had been the only one to accept Kame as he was. Back in the days when he could make him fall in love with his words and acceptance, be the one and only for him.
Kame doesn’t know where he’d be without the man. That’s why it’s alright that he’d once just lost it under the pressure. One hit and then it had gotten out of hands and he’d been down on the floor, screaming hysterically and fighting back, finally growing some spine. Koki had just happened to stop by that day. He’d heard the noises and searched for the extra key for five minutes before finding it and coming in to join the brawl. He’d thrown Kame in the bathroom to protect him and fought Takeo alone. It’d been an awful evening.
He had left with Koki that evening. They hadn’t even packed his belongings or anything, just taken off. Takeo had called him desperately and begged for forgiveness. Koki hadn’t liked it one bit and even though Kame really would’ve wanted to give him at least one more chance, he’d let Koki take care of him and taken his advice to take more time to think about it.
Takeo had gotten into a car accident a few days after that. He’d died at the hospital and that had been it. Kame knows that maybe after a few more days he would’ve returned the man’s calls and given him that chance - the man really did love him. He’s sure they could’ve worked it out if he would’ve just explained the whole thing to Takeo better and got him to listen to him.
“He gave me a lot,” Kame finally talks. His mouth feels dry and his body, weak and tired. “You just saw us at our worst so you don’t understand. But he was the first one to accept me as I am, and for a long time the only one too. He gave me confidence in myself. I’d be nothing without him,” he defends his former lover and sniffs quietly.
“He pretty much told you how to walk and talk and what to do,” Koki mumbles tiredly, turning on a sand road. “I like you better now. I think this is you. The real you.”
“I still loved him,” Kame insists and tightens his grip of the flowers anxiously. “I guess love is something only the two people involved understand.”
“True that,” Koki nods as he pulls over and opens his seatbelt with a click. “Do you want me to come with you or will I wait here?”
“I want to go alone,” Kame smiles at him tiredly. “…Today… is different.”
Koki nods understandingly. Kame smiles at him gently before he takes off and makes his way to the cemetery. The air is damp and it makes it even chillier, and the wind ruffles up his hair. He feels his teeth clattering as he lays the flowers on the familiar grave and puts a rock over them to keep them in place. They start looking worn and cold in the weather. It’s a bit sad. He wishes it would’ve been a more beautiful day.
He stays for a good fifteen minutes in the cold. He doesn’t really talk, just stands and pays his condolences in the freezing weather. He’s determined about it this time - this time he isn’t here to hold onto the man beyond the grave. But he needs to pay his final visit.
When he finally returns to the car, Koki looks worried. He turns the heating of Kame’s seat up and squeezes his knee comfortingly. Kame sniffs and blows his nose, cheeks burning from the cold.
“Let’s go to the party,” Kame suggests softly and smiles at Koki. The man nods and starts the car again, backing away and heading back towards the paved roads to get to the city. The Christmas carols are still playing and Kame feels oddly calm and alright. He thinks he’s ready.
“I never thought I’d live on,” he tells Koki quietly. The man nods in acknowledgement. “I wonder what will happen.”
“Better things, I hope,” Koki answers, smiling at Kame tenderly. “You’ve got people who care about you now.”
That, if anything, makes Kame really want to cry.
--
Kame hugs Yamapi as the man opens the door and welcomes them. The apartment is decorated with all kinds of silly Christmas things in red, gold, green and white and it really puts Kame in the Christmas mood. He introduces Koki before they make their way further in. Yamapi encourages them to go and raid the buffet on the table and Kame laughs at the requests. He jumps a little as arms wrap themselves around him from behind and he turns his head around, seeing Jin grinning at him childishly.
“I missed you,” the man chimes happily and Kame ruffles his hair. Koki disappears somewhere where the buffet is and Yamapi leaves them alone after patting his friend’s back a few times. Kame chuckles, turning around in Jin’s hold and kissing him.
“Can I ask for something?” Jin mumbles sheepishly. “It’s sort of a request.”
“Shoot me,” Kame encourages him. Jin looks nervous but happy, perhaps a little tipsy and touchy but that isn’t really a bad thing. He bites his lip, prolonging his revelation and increasing Kame’s interest until Kame shoves him lightly. “Come on, don’t be an ass!”
“I thought that maybe you’d want to be one of my models,” Jin asks him and withdraws enough to clap his hands together and bow pleadingly. “Just for five days! You’ll get a pay of course and everything but I just… I went through the models and picked them but I just feel like it won’t be complete without you. I just... I know this is a really weird request,” he laughs nervously and winces. “But it just… because the whole idea was born on you so I just… I can’t shake it off.”
Kame thinks about it. He thinks about spending five days stuck in a gallery and grimaces a bit. Then again, he’s slowly starting to have some financial problems. He’s only got some weeks to either bow down to the publisher’s contract or figure out his next move.
“The other people are really chill,” Jin tries to convince him. “Of course you can talk with them as much as you want to and I’ll try to be there as much as I can but just…”
“I’ll do it,” Kame promises, surprising himself too. Jin stares at him blankly, his words not quite sinking in. He feels pretty good about the decision, though. It feels like the start of something.
He has a feeling his whole world is about to turn around and enter another phase. Maybe it’ll be happier. It sure feels sunnier and freer, something he’s looking forward to. He grins at Jin and threads his fingers through the man’s hair, rising on his toes to press another soft kiss on his plump lips.
“Date me,” he gasps and Jin stumbles a few steps back. Kame laughs as he follows him, holding onto the hems of his cardigan. “I’m serious. Date me. Let’s see where this goes.”
Jin looks so startled Kame’s a bit scared he’ll start crying. He doesn’t, though, no - after a moment of dumb surprise he grins widely and wraps his arms around Kame, pulling him in a painfully tight hug. Kame laughs with his lips pressed against the man’s neck. He likes Jin’s strong arms.
They spend the party a little in their own world. Two cute girls tease them about it but it’s all kind. Kame remembers them from the karaoke session ages ago but they introduce themselves again, the other one carrying a teddy bear in her arm. They pinch at Jin’s cheeks and giggle, talking something about donuts and Kame has no idea what they’re saying but he gets a bit suspicious as Jin’s cheeks flare up.
“What’s so special about donuts?” he asks confusedly as the girls disappear. Jin coughs and leaves him as he goes to get another drink.
Kame thinks he maybe should embarrass Jin more in the bedroom just to get that particular look on his face and starts planning their get-together night activities.
--
“You were photographing me back then, weren’t you? At the beach,” Kame asks Jin with an amused voice. Jin raises his hands, proclaims himself guilty and grins widely. “Thought so,” Kame nods, thinking back to the day. “That’s why you acted so weird when I ran into you.”
“I was afraid you’d check my camera and make me delete the pictures,” Jin laughs. People look at them - Jin’s new exhibition is bold with nudist pictures and painted people walking around. Kame likes eavesdropping the arts elites’ conversations and hearing good and bad criticism about his boyfriend’s works and Jin often bullies him into filling him in on the latest when he stops by.
He’s enjoying it more than he thought he would. It’s January and he’s walking in public wearing only his boxers and his skin is painted all over, but there’s something exciting about it. His family had dropped by to have a look at him too the other day - his father had been a bit worked-up but they’d congratulated him anyway.
“I might have,” Kame admits with a smile. Jin glances at his watch - he’s got a meeting with a potential buyer of one of his works in a short while. Kame shoves his shoulder gently, urging him to get going. “I’ll be fine. Walk around and get weird looks, right? I’ll go and talk with Takizawa or something.”
“I’ll be back in a while,” Jin promises before he skips off, still as ill-mannered as ever. Kame chuckles and looks after him before someone taps his shoulder and he turns around, prepared to answer possible questions about the exhibition like he’s trained to.
“May I help you?” he asks politely and bows his head. The person is a woman - she looks sharp and alert and absolutely excited for some reason. She gives him a card in his hand and Kame peers at it in confusion.
“Nakao Mari,” she introduces herself with a brisk handshake. “I’m a talent-hunter in a modelling agency, and I thought I should ask you if you would be interested in working in the business.”
Kame blinks, confused. He peers at the card with a phone number and gulps. He’s a bit too startled to think properly - he hasn’t thought about anything really, his future seems hopelessly and utterly hazy to him apart from Jin’s presence.
“In case you’re interested, give me a call and we’ll see if we can put you on our list,” she suggests helpfully. “I think you could do well.”
She walks away and Kame squeezes the business card in his hand dumbly. And then he really thinks about it. He’s only got a few days to decide about the publisher’s contract anyway.
On his break Kame gives Watanabe a call. He decides to go with the whim - he’ll find his way through, if not with this thing then with something else. He wants to start seeing past his cerulean walls. He yearns to reach up at the cherry tree branches, see and discover new things to colour his life. The past has to go, and the publisher’s deal had never appealed him anyway.
Later at Jin’s studio he tells the man the news and wails and screams with him excitedly, jumping around the place and fooling on the couch, sharing heat and joy. Things feel more at place than they have maybe ever been.
The old painting with the cyan sea hangs on the wall, a reminder of the start. Kame thinks he finally understands the brightness that used to be an eyesore.
His mother puts a pot of water on the stove, preparing to serve tea like a good host should. His father has a conversation with Jin - they seem to get along surprisingly well, and Kame’s feeling a little hopeful. At least he seems to appreciate Jin as a person if not as Kame’s possible lifetime partner.
“Yuya, you can take the guest room with the wide bed,” his mother talks to them. “Kazuya, I’ll get futons to your and Yuya’s old room for you and your friend to sleep on.”
Kame’s not surprised. His mother is always subtle about her requests. Kame doesn’t know what she’s thinking though - that he’d sleep with a man under his parents’ roof? He thinks he’s been brought up better to do that, especially since his sexuality still doesn’t sit well with the family. He’ll keep his private life at his own apartment.
“Mum, don’t be ridiculous,” Yuya snarls though, not quite as fine with their mother’s unreasonable behaviour. “Kazuya and his date can share the bed. He’s finally seeing someone again and the guy doesn’t seem to be so bad, can’t you just let them be?”
“Yuya,” she snaps quietly. Kame glances over his shoulder - his father and Jin don’t seem to have noticed the argument as his father keeps pulling Jin to the living room, for whatever reason that is. Kame figures they’ll be fine alone, at least until this can get sorted out.
“You can’t make Kazuya heterosexual so maybe you should just finally try to get over it before you do more damage,” Yuya snarls, exposing his teeth. Kame’s never really seen any of his brothers standing up for him before. It makes him feel awkward. “For god’s sake, you’ve got three boys who like women, isn’t that enough? It’s not Kazuya’s fault, he’s not having it easy because of it!”
“Yuya, stop it,” Kame stops his younger brother, not wanting to hear more of it. His mother looks hurt and that’s not what Kame wants either - he loves his mother. “Don’t talk like that to mum.”
“Thank you, Kazuya,” his mother mumbles. Kame sighs and runs his hands through his hair. He feels stressed out again and can’t wait to get Jin out of the house. It’s much easier when he can pretend like his sexuality doesn’t exist at all.
“I’ll be fine with any sleeping arrangements,” he swallows bitterly. “It’s just sleeping, it doesn’t matter. I sleep on the futon at home all the time, I don’t mind it. Jin isn’t too much of an elite to mind either.”
“Kazuya.”
He turns around, flinching at his mother’s voice. Yuya’s looking from their mother to Kame and back, clearly upset. Their mother bites her lip, contemplating. Kame just wants to leave the conversation already, but doesn’t dare to defy their mother.
“…I’m sorry,” she sighs and Kame nods dumbly, not entirely sure what she’s apologizing for. She motions for him to come closer and Kame does, feeling her arms wrap around him. She strokes her fingers through his hair soothingly and kisses his forehead. Kame lets her, enjoying the faint fragrance of her perfume.
“I’m proud of you,” she finally says as she withdraws, still holding onto his shoulders to keep him at arm length. “You know I’m proud of you, Kazuya. Don’t you?”
Kame feels tears swelling in his eyes. He presses his lips tightly together and tries to keep his breathing calm and deep. Normally he’d probably cry - he’s always been emotional like that and the family home makes him feel somehow safe. But he holds the tears because Jin is in the living room and he doesn’t need to see him in that state. There’d be too much to explain.
“I know, mum,” he answers quietly with a thick voice. She nods and pinches his cheek, choking back tears too.
“You can have the bed,” she sighs, strained and tired but determined. “…Just make sure you’re happy, alright? Don’t let him treat you wrongly. He seems like a good man.”
“He is,” Kame agrees. Jin is a good man - he’s probably something many people wish for but never come across. He’s annoyingly self-conscious, at times perhaps a bit too childish for his age and just frustratingly all over the place, but his heart is made of gold and he’s as loyal as they can get, Kame thinks. “I’ll go and make sure dad doesn’t scare him out of here,” he mumbles and his mother lets go of his shoulders, nodding. Yuya accompanies him, notably calmer too now.
“You’re her favourite,” his younger brother tells him quietly. “That’s why it’s so hard for her. You were always her favourite.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kame shakes his head and ruffles Yuya’s hair affectionately, pulling him close. He’s missed home.
“You weren’t kidding when you said you were an ugly kid,” Jin’s voice greets him merrily as they step in the living room. He’s sitting on a pillow on the floor next to his father, family albums spread out on the floor in their leather covers. Kame feels his face flushing scarlet. Yuya laughs and pats his back, proclaiming that he likes Jin’s guts for saying something like that straight to Kame’s face with such a happy look on his face.
“Well he looks much better now,” Jin insists as Kame sits down next to him, eyeing the old photographs from his school years suspiciously. Normally he avoids them - there’s nothing good to look back to. They were probably the unhappiest years of his life. “It’s like some metamorphosis.”
“Kazuya used to love baseball,” his father blabbers happily and pulls out another album. “He could’ve been an award-winning pitcher, ask anyone. It’s such a shame he dropped it. You had some talent in you, son.”
Jin takes the photo book curiously and Kame falls silent. He looks at the photos, feeling nausea slowly creeping in. He sees his old bat and signed glove and a childish grin. The photos start from him holding a baseball in his hand at the age of five and are put in time order until his high school years, hitting a homerun. Kame still remembers the moment, the overwhelming euphoria.
“It was seriously just a matter of time until some big guy would’ve come knocking on our door to recruit him,” his father explains enthusiastically. He’s a sports freak - since childhood Kame and his brothers have been pushed to every sports available to find “their thing”. Yuya still plays baseball. He’s good in Kame’s opinion, but somehow in family meetings the talk always turns to his glamorous baseball years. It makes Kame hate the whole thing even more.
“Eh? Why did you quit playing?” Jin asks him with a surprised tone. Kame flinches. Jin’s completely oblivious to the nasty nagging the whole topic has on him and he doesn’t feel too happy to explain it. Not with the presence of his family at least - Kame’s sure they always sensed that something was wrong with the way he just suddenly one day walked home, telling his parents anxiously that he’s going to stop playing and refusing to go to practice or games ever since. They pestered him about it for a few years before they let it go, figuring if he hadn’t opened his mouth about it at that point, he never would.
“Too much fame too soon, probably,” his father shrugs, taking the album from Jin and looking at the pictures happily. “He was different back then, always avoiding the spotlight. I guess he’s still like that. Son, you could get a lot further with your writing if you’d take some more credit for your work,” he scolds him and Kame grimaces. “Kazuya’s a tad bit shy.”
“I wouldn’t have guessed,” Jin admits as they skim through the pictures, laughing and telling little stories about Kame’s childhood. There’s him learning how to drive a bike without training wheels, singing in a choir during secondary school and holding his first published book on the release day, grinning widely and flashing a peace sign. They’re a bit better memories.
Their mother saves him soon enough by inviting them for tea before going to bed. She doesn’t talk much as she studies Jin calculatingly. They talk about the wedding and who had the prettiest dresses, small little chitchat with no point at all.
When they crawl to bed and Jin hugs his body close in the darkness, Kame feels melancholic. Jin’s fingers brush the exposed skin of his lower back absently. He’s lost in thought, not looking at Kame. It doesn’t matter.
“I was played with all the way through secondary school,” Jin talks quietly, his voice dull and heavy. “I was just the hot older guy. No one really liked me, not actually. No one thought I was good for anything but dating. I guess it made people cool to date me and have sex with me. I know it’s stupid to have sex at that age, don’t even say it,” he grumbles and tightens his hold of Kame. “It just… Everyone just used me all the time. I never saw through them.”
It explains many weird situations in their past, Kame notes and pecks Jin’s lips lightly. His chest feels tight. He can see Jin as the uncertain kid during his secondary school years. He can see him falling in love with people showing him affection and having his heart broken over and over again, just for a bit of mean fun.
“I was bullied,” Kame confesses himself. “Always a little but it got out of hands in high school after the word that I was gay got out. Some team members attacked me in the shower rooms. They… did some nasty stuff. Not too far but… pretty far,” he gulps and buries his face in Jin’s neck. “So I quit baseball. Everyone rejected me.”
“I wish it wouldn’t have been that,” Jin sniffs. He buries his face in Kame’s hair and Kame suspects he’s crying. Something feels a bit wet against his scalp.
“Me too,” he answers and strokes Jin’s back soothingly. “I really do.”
--
Watanabe calls him, asking for an update of his feelings towards the potential contract with the publishing company. Kame grimaces as he sits on his desk and stares at his cerulean walls. He bites his lip and swirls the wine in his glass anxiously.
“I don’t want it. How’s it going with other publishers?” he gulps, smelling at the fruity aroma of the dark red liquid.
“Just as I thought it would,” Watanabe lets out a heavy exhale and Kame can sense his stressing. “Kamenashi, I think you should sign the contract. It’s the best you can get.”
“I can’t write like that,” Kame admits his suspicions with an upset voice. He stares at the thick files containing handwritten stories. He pulls the latest on his lap and skims through it sadly, wondering if it’ll ever get printed at all. “It’s impossible.”
“It needs to be renewed in five years,” Watanabe reminds him. “After that the situation could be different. But as a short-term solution, I think you should take it or it might very well be the end of your career.”
It’s not what he wants to hear. Five years means ten books and the whole pressing situation is successfully sucking out his willingness to even write anymore. His touch with literature has felt a bit off lately as well - it was much easier back in the days when Takeo had been the centre of his attention, when he had sat him down and given him papers and a pen, telling him to just keep writing. Takeo had loved it. Literature and Kame’s works. He’d shown him the world of fiction and inspired him to pursue it.
He doesn’t really want to let go. After Takeo’s death it’s been like satisfying his final wish and showing the respect he has for the man. His hands start shaking as he thinks about it, thinks of how things had been back then near the end - he chokes back a sob and covers his eyes, tears swelling in his eyes.
“Kamenashi-san? Are you alright?”Watanabe’s voice questions him gently. Kame gasps for air and tries to blink the tears away. He knows it’s something he’ll regret forever and he can’t change it now, not anymore. He wishes they would’ve been given a bit more time.
“I’ll think about it,” he promises with a strained voice. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go.”
“Call me,” Watanabe requests softly. Kame sniffs and mumbles something agreeing before he cuts the call and buries his face in his hands. The room feels suffocating now. Cerulean is the colour of grief, one he doesn’t know how to overcome. He lets out a shaky sob as he looks at them, unable to figure out what to do next.
He takes a shower to calm himself down and keep any stupid actions at bay. Afterwards he calls Jin, begging him to come and shut his fucking walls up, because he’s way too tired and scared to look at them anymore.
Jin forces him to come over to his studio where they drink instant coffee quietly and talk about possible decorations. It’s not the first time Kame feels like he’s taking a huge leap into something unknown.
--
Jin’s got a ladder standing against Kame’s wall. Kame fidgets nervously with his feet down on the ground and looks up at the man with his hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and a palette of paints in his hands. He isn’t sure if it’s such a great idea.
“I’ve always had my walls plain,” he mumbles anxiously as he watches Jin spreading paint with his brush over the rough material of the wall. Almost fantasy-likely shaped brown branches are slowly growing form one of the upper corners of his wall. Jin’s very careful with his work and the wood looks alive as Kame examines it from the ground. “What if I hate them?”
“At the danger of hurting my feelings, you can always get cerulean paint and colour them up,” Jin answers him, his brush still working on the wall. “I’ll make them so you’ll love them, don’t worry too much.”
“You’re messing with my walls, of course I’m worried,” Kame groans and buries his face in his hands. He feels a bit helpless. It’s a process of moving on and he’s determined to survive through it, but it isn’t exactly easy.
“Trust me. Go do something,” Jin mumbles and looks down at him. His lips are pursed and brow furrowed and he looks snappy and annoyed. He swipes more paint from the palette to his brush and makes one branch curl lightly at the end.
“I don’t know,” Kame mumbles as he lies down on the floor, his neck starting to ache from the constant arch backwards. “I think I like watching you paint. And I want to be here for it. I’m sorry for wasting your paints and time on this, I know you should be planning your exhibition,” he sighs apologetically and drums his fingers on his stomach. Jin chuckles from high up and starts painting cherry blossoms with a delicate pink colour.
Jin’s passionate about painting, Kame can tell. First he paints the bases for everything and Kame looks at the simple but plain paintings of cherry tree branches in their beautiful glory. Afterwards he climbs down to wash his brushes and soon climbs back with smaller ones to do decorations. The night starts falling and Kame turns the ceiling lamp on but Jin doesn’t stop. Slowly but surely the flower petals look soft to touch and branches real enough to carry him would he attempt to climb on them.
They’re beautiful. His step to the unknown blossoms on his walls and he smiles tiredly as he peers at them from the floor. Suddenly his room is much less sad and a lot fuller of love and life. It makes Kame appreciate Jin’s output to death. He acknowledges that he’s fortunate to come across him and have him pursue him so passionately even though he can’t promise him anything. He’s a man to whom a chance is enough as long as it’s genuine.
The metal ladder creak as Jin carefully comes down, holding on dearly to his brushes. Kame gets up from the floor and smiles at him gratefully, pulling him close for a well-earned kiss. A wet brush slides over Kame’s cheek and makes him shiver. He frowns and withdraws, trying to wipe the light brown substance off. He laughs as Jin stares at him dumbly.
“Oops,” he chuckles and withdraws from Jin and his brushes amusedly. “My bad. I’ll have to learn to be careful with you. I’ll go and wash this off.”
“Wait!” Jin suddenly exclaims and grabs his wrist with his brush hand. Kame stares at him confusedly - Jin looks really desperate and out of it all of a sudden. Kame can see that he’s thinking but doesn’t know about what. He waits patiently for the man to snap out of it.
“…Can I?” Jin asks suddenly quietly. “Just. Just stay still, okay? Stay still for a while, I think I need to try out something.”
“Huh?” Kame asks, surprised. Then he feels something wet slide down his cheek and he frowns, shaken up by the weird sensation. Jin looks visibly excited about something and looks like he’s experiencing some sort of enlightening thought as he smears paint over Kame’s skin and colours him. Kame’s scared he’s going to get paint in his eyes or that it’s toxic as Jin brushes different shades of pink on his lips, his face close as he works carefully to perfect what he’s doing.
“Take your shirt off,” Jin demands as he removes his ponytail and ties Kame’s hair up messily, most of his hair falling out straightaway. Kame feels him pull him next to his desk where he sets his palette and obeys Jin awkwardly, starting to unbutton his shirt. It slides off his shoulders just as Jin finishes up with his neck and starts moving downwards. Kame feels awfully self-conscious.
His first guess would be to blame it on some weird kink Jin has - who knows what an artist fantasizes about, and Jin’s never really approached him with any oddities yet. But something in the look on his face argues against it - he’s serious. Not in the dead serious kind of way but in the dedicated one. He looks like the entire world is unravelling around him.
Kame grows quite fond of the look. The paint dries slowly on his skin. It’s cold and he feels his hair standing at the edge. It’s cold, given that it’s nearing Christmas quickly and he can detect a faint rain hitting on his window at the other side of the apartment.
Jin slides his homey and baggy aureolin trousers off and whisks them somewhere as he starts painting Kame’s legs. Kame’s surprised to see that he isn’t actually doing anything particularly special or flashy - it’s more like he’s painting Kame’s skin as it is. The brush is large and so are the strokes so even though the colour matches his skin, darker where some shadows fall, he starts looking like a living and walking painting.
“Can I paint over your boxers? I’ll buy you a new pack”, Jin promises and Kame nods dumbly, feeling the brush spreading black over them as soon as Jin gets permission. Once Jin is finished he walks all the way to the other end of the room to examine his work. Kame fidgets nervously, not quite sure how to stand.
“Turn around? Please?” Jin requests and Kame does as he’s asked, showing Jin his painted back. He feels awkward being examined like that, but he doesn’t want to disturb Jin’s creative process. He’s smiling as he makes his way back, all toothy grin and happy look on his face.
“I figured it out. My exhibition, I figured it out,” he gasps giddily, eyes sparkling. Kame tilts his head. He isn’t so sure what’s so great about it, but then again arts never were his thing.
“So um. What?” he asks. He wonders about the hell he’ll have to go through to get the paint off his skin and starts worrying if it’s even the sort that comes off - he hadn’t asked Jin and, well, Jin isn’t always one off the most thoughtful people. “What about it?”
“What completes it. Makes it it, makes it special, makes it contemporary, I know it!” he exclaims and throws his paints and the palette to Kame’s kitchen sink. He laughs and it echoes joyously from Kame’s walls. Kame can’t resist chuckling at Jin’s sudden carefree mood. He thinks he might love it.
“What?”
“People, you dumbass!” Jin laughs at him like he’d be the stupid one. “You’re a painting now. A human painting. I’ll paint models and make them wander around the exhibition. It’s perfect. It makes a statement, it’s bold, it’s just… I finally figured it out,” he grins. Kame frowns, starting to hesitate a bit.
“You’re not planning to leave me like this, are you?” he snarls uneasily and Jin blinks. Then he curses and grabs his paint bottles to peer at their labels. He seems a bit panicky.
Kame makes a run for the shower. It takes them the rest of the night to get the paint off, and Kame’s skin feels raw and peeled afterwards.
--
Jin’s at a meeting with the gallery owner, negotiating about the upcoming exhibition. Kame on the other hand sits at a nearby café with Yamapi, eating strawberry cake and drinking latte. It’s nice catching up with him - apparently he’s been busy touring Japan as a background dancer to some bigger artist, going as far as to Hokkaido. Yamapi tells him stories about snow and cold and Kame laughs, honestly thinking Yamapi is overreacting. Yamapi claims that he’s more of a warm weather lover like Jin and gets side-tracked enough to tell him stories about their visits to Hawaii some years back.
“I’ve got a question for you,” Kame finally opens his mind towards the end of the meal while Yamapi’s scraping off the last crumbs from his plate. Yamapi raises his gaze curiously as he puts his spoon in his mouth and sucks it clean.
“What?”
“What is Jin like in relationships?” Kame gets the courage to ask. Yamapi muses at him, looking smug and happy. Kame gulps - he knows Yamapi and Jin are alike, showing their feelings easily to their friends, but it’s still a bit awkward to confess about his slowly forming plans to him. He thinks it’s better to know beforehand, though.
“You’re the one who’s been dating him, shouldn’t you be the expert?” he chuckles at him teasingly and leans over the table. Kame shrugs. They haven’t really gone to the whole “boyfriends” thing, so it doesn’t really count. Not the same way.
“How does he treat people he really dates?” he presses and wipes his mouth with his napkin. He feels his appetite disappearing and decides to leave his coffee unfinished as he waits for Yamapi to hopefully answer his questions. Yamapi shrugs, looking thoughtful. Kame wonders if he even knows any better than him.
“In a way he’s like an annoying puppy,” Yamapi nods, playing with a crumb on his plate with his spoon. “Following them around and trying to awaken their affectionate sides to make them pet him and make him feel important and loved. He’s the sort of person who’ll date proudly. Because… well… Jin doesn’t date if he can’t see himself spending the rest of his life with the person,” Yamapi shrugs. “It’s not an engagement or anything. It’s just that there’s a chance and he’s going to do his best to see if it’ll take him there.”
“Does he… I mean… How does he take time apart?” Kame asks anxiously, gripping the fabric of his jeans over his knee in his fist. “Other people, fights, all the bad stuff.”
“He can be a bit possessive,” Yamapi admits and Kame licks his lips anxiously. “I think the worst you can do to offend him is cheat on him. But he’s cool with close friends and everything as long as he feels important too. He can get a bit sharp-tongued in fights but mostly he flees rather than attacks. He’s a bit of a coward, even if he acts tough.”
“Hmm,” Kame nods, looking out of the window thoughtfully. Yamapi senses his uncertainness and chuckles awkwardly from the other end of the table.
“Then again… isn’t everyone like that?” he asks gently. “Everyone who’s really serious about you anyway.”
It makes Kame calm down a bit. He smiles at Yamapi a bit absently and thanks him.
He has a feeling that Yamapi’s for Jin what Koki is for him. He’s good with words and support and cares to the point of fighting for his friend. Kame wonders what problems they’ve come through together. He knows they’ve known each other since nursery, so it has to be a lot.
He’s glad Jin’s had a shoulder to lean on through the bad times. It’s a reason good enough to hold respect for Yamapi.
“He really likes you, you know,” Yamapi mumbles, trying to say it like just some sudden meaningless thing even though they both know very well he means more with it. “I think he’s surprised himself too.”
Kame smiles and thinks he might really have to consider taking the final leap to the unknown. He just hopes Jin will be waiting with his arms wide open to catch him as he falls.
--
It’s nearly Christmas. The air outside is cold and Kame zips up his winter coat and pulls his woollen mittens on as he gets prepared to leave the cosy warmth of his apartment. The air feels heavy today and there are dark clouds soaring up in the sky. The wind howls outside and Kame opens his front door clumsily with his mittens, surprised to see Koki standing outside, waiting for him.
“Yo,” he greets him. He isn’t smiling, isn’t forcing Kame to smile because of some stupid social norms. He just closes the door behind an appalled Kame and checks that the door is locked before he throws an arm around his shoulders comfortingly.
“I’ll drive you,” he offers as they start making their way down the stairs. “Then we’ll go to that Yamapi’s pre-Christmas party, right? You wouldn’t miss it. Jin will be there.”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” Kame confirms and leans against Koki’s support. He wonders how Koki had figured out his plans, but finally assumes that maybe the man really just knows him well enough.
They get into Koki’s van. When Koki starts driving Kame turns the radio on. It plays Christmas carols quietly and Kame chuckles, figuring that Koki’s the type to have his radio tuned to a channel that starts the celebrations weeks early. It’s quite calming though, which is something he’s grateful for.
“Are you alright?” Koki asks him after a brief stop at a flower shop. Kame’s holding a beautiful bouquet of blue flowers in his hands. He strokes the petals quietly and shrugs. Even years from the incident, he still isn’t quite sure.
“Better,” he slowly tries to articulate his feelings. He sighs deeply and looks up from the flowers and ahead on the streets. There’s a hollow pit in his stomach that aches, but the hurt is slightly milder now. He has people waiting for him, even one sitting right by his side. He figures things could be much worse.
“There are just so many regrets,” he decides to continue. Koki keeps silent, knowing he needs time to give words to his thoughts - he’s good at writing books, but when it comes to talking about something personal he can prove to be absolutely useless. “I didn’t want him to die thinking I hated him. I can never take that back.”
He looks down a little. Koki fishes a packet of tissues from his pocket and tosses it to him - prepared, as expected. Kame doesn’t take one. He doesn’t feel like he needs it. At least not yet. But he appreciates the gesture.
“I know you don’t really like him,” Kame sighs and looks out of the window, unable to face his friend. “But it wasn’t really always that bad.”
“He beat you up,” Koki snarls, unable to hide his still overwhelming emotions about the matter from his voice. “Nothing excuses that.”
Kame recalls the event. Things between them had been stressed for months by that point - Takeo didn’t appreciate his developing friendship with Koki one bit. He’d been jealous and possessive, always controlling everything Kame did. Before it had been easier, back when he had been the only one to accept Kame as he was. Back in the days when he could make him fall in love with his words and acceptance, be the one and only for him.
Kame doesn’t know where he’d be without the man. That’s why it’s alright that he’d once just lost it under the pressure. One hit and then it had gotten out of hands and he’d been down on the floor, screaming hysterically and fighting back, finally growing some spine. Koki had just happened to stop by that day. He’d heard the noises and searched for the extra key for five minutes before finding it and coming in to join the brawl. He’d thrown Kame in the bathroom to protect him and fought Takeo alone. It’d been an awful evening.
He had left with Koki that evening. They hadn’t even packed his belongings or anything, just taken off. Takeo had called him desperately and begged for forgiveness. Koki hadn’t liked it one bit and even though Kame really would’ve wanted to give him at least one more chance, he’d let Koki take care of him and taken his advice to take more time to think about it.
Takeo had gotten into a car accident a few days after that. He’d died at the hospital and that had been it. Kame knows that maybe after a few more days he would’ve returned the man’s calls and given him that chance - the man really did love him. He’s sure they could’ve worked it out if he would’ve just explained the whole thing to Takeo better and got him to listen to him.
“He gave me a lot,” Kame finally talks. His mouth feels dry and his body, weak and tired. “You just saw us at our worst so you don’t understand. But he was the first one to accept me as I am, and for a long time the only one too. He gave me confidence in myself. I’d be nothing without him,” he defends his former lover and sniffs quietly.
“He pretty much told you how to walk and talk and what to do,” Koki mumbles tiredly, turning on a sand road. “I like you better now. I think this is you. The real you.”
“I still loved him,” Kame insists and tightens his grip of the flowers anxiously. “I guess love is something only the two people involved understand.”
“True that,” Koki nods as he pulls over and opens his seatbelt with a click. “Do you want me to come with you or will I wait here?”
“I want to go alone,” Kame smiles at him tiredly. “…Today… is different.”
Koki nods understandingly. Kame smiles at him gently before he takes off and makes his way to the cemetery. The air is damp and it makes it even chillier, and the wind ruffles up his hair. He feels his teeth clattering as he lays the flowers on the familiar grave and puts a rock over them to keep them in place. They start looking worn and cold in the weather. It’s a bit sad. He wishes it would’ve been a more beautiful day.
He stays for a good fifteen minutes in the cold. He doesn’t really talk, just stands and pays his condolences in the freezing weather. He’s determined about it this time - this time he isn’t here to hold onto the man beyond the grave. But he needs to pay his final visit.
When he finally returns to the car, Koki looks worried. He turns the heating of Kame’s seat up and squeezes his knee comfortingly. Kame sniffs and blows his nose, cheeks burning from the cold.
“Let’s go to the party,” Kame suggests softly and smiles at Koki. The man nods and starts the car again, backing away and heading back towards the paved roads to get to the city. The Christmas carols are still playing and Kame feels oddly calm and alright. He thinks he’s ready.
“I never thought I’d live on,” he tells Koki quietly. The man nods in acknowledgement. “I wonder what will happen.”
“Better things, I hope,” Koki answers, smiling at Kame tenderly. “You’ve got people who care about you now.”
That, if anything, makes Kame really want to cry.
--
Kame hugs Yamapi as the man opens the door and welcomes them. The apartment is decorated with all kinds of silly Christmas things in red, gold, green and white and it really puts Kame in the Christmas mood. He introduces Koki before they make their way further in. Yamapi encourages them to go and raid the buffet on the table and Kame laughs at the requests. He jumps a little as arms wrap themselves around him from behind and he turns his head around, seeing Jin grinning at him childishly.
“I missed you,” the man chimes happily and Kame ruffles his hair. Koki disappears somewhere where the buffet is and Yamapi leaves them alone after patting his friend’s back a few times. Kame chuckles, turning around in Jin’s hold and kissing him.
“Can I ask for something?” Jin mumbles sheepishly. “It’s sort of a request.”
“Shoot me,” Kame encourages him. Jin looks nervous but happy, perhaps a little tipsy and touchy but that isn’t really a bad thing. He bites his lip, prolonging his revelation and increasing Kame’s interest until Kame shoves him lightly. “Come on, don’t be an ass!”
“I thought that maybe you’d want to be one of my models,” Jin asks him and withdraws enough to clap his hands together and bow pleadingly. “Just for five days! You’ll get a pay of course and everything but I just… I went through the models and picked them but I just feel like it won’t be complete without you. I just... I know this is a really weird request,” he laughs nervously and winces. “But it just… because the whole idea was born on you so I just… I can’t shake it off.”
Kame thinks about it. He thinks about spending five days stuck in a gallery and grimaces a bit. Then again, he’s slowly starting to have some financial problems. He’s only got some weeks to either bow down to the publisher’s contract or figure out his next move.
“The other people are really chill,” Jin tries to convince him. “Of course you can talk with them as much as you want to and I’ll try to be there as much as I can but just…”
“I’ll do it,” Kame promises, surprising himself too. Jin stares at him blankly, his words not quite sinking in. He feels pretty good about the decision, though. It feels like the start of something.
He has a feeling his whole world is about to turn around and enter another phase. Maybe it’ll be happier. It sure feels sunnier and freer, something he’s looking forward to. He grins at Jin and threads his fingers through the man’s hair, rising on his toes to press another soft kiss on his plump lips.
“Date me,” he gasps and Jin stumbles a few steps back. Kame laughs as he follows him, holding onto the hems of his cardigan. “I’m serious. Date me. Let’s see where this goes.”
Jin looks so startled Kame’s a bit scared he’ll start crying. He doesn’t, though, no - after a moment of dumb surprise he grins widely and wraps his arms around Kame, pulling him in a painfully tight hug. Kame laughs with his lips pressed against the man’s neck. He likes Jin’s strong arms.
They spend the party a little in their own world. Two cute girls tease them about it but it’s all kind. Kame remembers them from the karaoke session ages ago but they introduce themselves again, the other one carrying a teddy bear in her arm. They pinch at Jin’s cheeks and giggle, talking something about donuts and Kame has no idea what they’re saying but he gets a bit suspicious as Jin’s cheeks flare up.
“What’s so special about donuts?” he asks confusedly as the girls disappear. Jin coughs and leaves him as he goes to get another drink.
Kame thinks he maybe should embarrass Jin more in the bedroom just to get that particular look on his face and starts planning their get-together night activities.
--
“You were photographing me back then, weren’t you? At the beach,” Kame asks Jin with an amused voice. Jin raises his hands, proclaims himself guilty and grins widely. “Thought so,” Kame nods, thinking back to the day. “That’s why you acted so weird when I ran into you.”
“I was afraid you’d check my camera and make me delete the pictures,” Jin laughs. People look at them - Jin’s new exhibition is bold with nudist pictures and painted people walking around. Kame likes eavesdropping the arts elites’ conversations and hearing good and bad criticism about his boyfriend’s works and Jin often bullies him into filling him in on the latest when he stops by.
He’s enjoying it more than he thought he would. It’s January and he’s walking in public wearing only his boxers and his skin is painted all over, but there’s something exciting about it. His family had dropped by to have a look at him too the other day - his father had been a bit worked-up but they’d congratulated him anyway.
“I might have,” Kame admits with a smile. Jin glances at his watch - he’s got a meeting with a potential buyer of one of his works in a short while. Kame shoves his shoulder gently, urging him to get going. “I’ll be fine. Walk around and get weird looks, right? I’ll go and talk with Takizawa or something.”
“I’ll be back in a while,” Jin promises before he skips off, still as ill-mannered as ever. Kame chuckles and looks after him before someone taps his shoulder and he turns around, prepared to answer possible questions about the exhibition like he’s trained to.
“May I help you?” he asks politely and bows his head. The person is a woman - she looks sharp and alert and absolutely excited for some reason. She gives him a card in his hand and Kame peers at it in confusion.
“Nakao Mari,” she introduces herself with a brisk handshake. “I’m a talent-hunter in a modelling agency, and I thought I should ask you if you would be interested in working in the business.”
Kame blinks, confused. He peers at the card with a phone number and gulps. He’s a bit too startled to think properly - he hasn’t thought about anything really, his future seems hopelessly and utterly hazy to him apart from Jin’s presence.
“In case you’re interested, give me a call and we’ll see if we can put you on our list,” she suggests helpfully. “I think you could do well.”
She walks away and Kame squeezes the business card in his hand dumbly. And then he really thinks about it. He’s only got a few days to decide about the publisher’s contract anyway.
On his break Kame gives Watanabe a call. He decides to go with the whim - he’ll find his way through, if not with this thing then with something else. He wants to start seeing past his cerulean walls. He yearns to reach up at the cherry tree branches, see and discover new things to colour his life. The past has to go, and the publisher’s deal had never appealed him anyway.
Later at Jin’s studio he tells the man the news and wails and screams with him excitedly, jumping around the place and fooling on the couch, sharing heat and joy. Things feel more at place than they have maybe ever been.
The old painting with the cyan sea hangs on the wall, a reminder of the start. Kame thinks he finally understands the brightness that used to be an eyesore.