fic: The Cerulean Hours (and what it takes to paint them cyan) (4/5)
They’re supposed to meet the following day. The usual thing - go out to grab some lunch, find the first interesting thing to stop by at and see how things go. Jin sounds excited on the phone - his euphoria hasn’t quite diminished and he sounds like he’s soaring high up in the clouds as he babbles about having two tickets to some concert where Yamapi’s as a background dancer. Kame’s never seen their common friend dance but Jin insists he’s brilliant and that the music is good so Kame decides he’ll give it a go and join Jin, perhaps even in the hopes of some more private bedroom games.
He’s already pulled his jacket on when he freezes on the spot, sensing something creeping behind him. He turns around helplessly, facing his walls all around him. He hesitantly removes his jacket and tiptoes to the wall in his boots, caressing it carefully.
“Anyone there?” he quietly asks, letting his eyes move upwards towards the ceiling. His hair stands on edge as he feels the walls creeping in and pulsating. He bites his lip, forcing himself to remain calm. He’s not going to have a panic attack because of this. It didn’t feel as bad before - actually, the feeling had always been quite pleasant.
It isn’t anymore. Kame feels frost filling his throat and he wraps his arms around himself. The spirits scream at him so loud Kame thinks his eardrums will break - he cries out and grabs his head as a migraine hits him full blast. He sees white spots as the words are spat at him vulgarly.
There’s cerulean everywhere. He falls down on his back and curls up, trying to relax and give into it the way he’s supposed to. It makes it easier. He empties his brain and lets it come to him as he lies on the cold floor. It comes over him like waves on the beach and for a long moment Kame isn’t able to breathe.
--
Kame comes to his senses god-knows how many days later. His mouth is dry and he feels exhausted to the point of nausea as his upper body lies on the desk. There are stacks of papers with his scribbly handwriting all over them and Kame picks up the latest page - Fin. He feels relief wrecking his body and laughs exhaustedly for a while before managing to get up to get a bottle of water from the fridge. He empties it in one go and feels too full to get any solid food down yet, even though postponing eating is probably a really bad thing.
He fishes his mobile phone from his pocket and decides to check the date, just to catch up with reality. He’s surprised to find 50 missed calls and 14 voice mails impatiently waiting for him in his inbox. The list of callers includes most of his closest friends once or twice - the rest are from Jin, although those had stopped coming in two days ago. It’s been six days since he stood him up now.
“Damn it,” he mumbles weakly and sits down, placing the phone on the desk and putting the sounds on speaker as he listens to the voice mails, rubbing his swollen eyes with his weakened fingers. The pain in his wrist is becoming unbearable and he thinks he should probably tape it or something once he gets some of his energy back.
“Um, you’re not picking up. I guess you’re a bit late,” Jin’s voice greets him chirpily from the speakers. There’s a loud ruckus of people around him - he’s talking in a crowd. Oh yeah, the concert… “I’ll just wait for you at the doors, okay? See you soon.”
And then the messages that keep on coming. The next one always sounds more desperate and hopeless as the previous as Jin starts worrying about a possible car accident. He keeps asking him if he is alright, if something came up or if he was even on his way. Eventually he tells that the concert ended but it’s totally alright, just please call back.
Apparently, Jin’s been banging on his door and ringing the doorbell. He’s been worried sick and finally starts cursing angry spiteful remarks about how manipulative and cruel he is, not even bothering to face him after getting some. Sometimes his voice is soft and quiet, broken in a way, but sometimes it’s furious roaring he probably does a bit drunk inside the safety of his apartment or studio. There’s even one voice mail from Yamapi asking him how he’s doing and would he just please at least confront Jin because he’s really tired of watching his friend brood over the clock, mourning after him.
Then the final message. It’s simple and short, just Jin tiredly stating “Kame, I know. We need to talk,” and that’s it. Kame feels awfully guilty as he dials back in panic, wondering if Jin will even pick up anymore. He knows Yamapi will and he will eventually be able to reach the man and explain the misunderstanding. It’s the first time he’s really become unaware of the days he’s spent writing - he honestly just hasn’t noticed Jin’s desperate attempts to reach him.
“Took you long enough,” Jin croaks to the phone. Kame gulps - Jin sounds too calm and too exhausted. He licks his lips and rubs his cold hands together, trying to come up with the right words to say to refrain from infuriating him.
“I was writing. I-I haven’t really told you about h-how it goes for me yet so I’m sorry this situation came up,” he stutters hysterically, combing his hair back with his fingers. It’s greasy and his scalp itches. He grimaces at himself in disgust. “I really did mean to come to the concert, this just happened and I -”
“Koki thought so,” Jin sniffs awkwardly, his voice muffled and unsure. “The man at the café. I ran into him a few days ago, he had some street performance thing and he told me that might’ve happened.”
“Oh. Oh good,” Kame lets out a relieved laughter, gripping his fringe in his weak and shaky grip. He closes his eyes and licks his lips again, rocking on the chair he’s sitting on. “Do you want to come over or something? Please.”
“Yeah,” Jin sniffs. “We need to talk. I’d like to do it face to face.”
It doesn’t sound good. Kame doesn’t know what’s wrong - he’s practically been out of it for six whole days now. He can only assume that he’s drunk water and used the toilet to even sit where he is alive and without a puddle of urine on the floor.
“I’ll open the lock so you can just come in when you get here, okay? I need a shower. I’ll make it quick. Then we’ll talk, I promise,” he swears. Jin mumbles something incoherent as an answer and cuts the call. Kame goes to unlock the door before dragging clean clothes with him to the bathroom and turning the shower on hot to warm his chilled body down. He really should try to get something down soon too.
When he comes back from the bathroom Jin is already sitting on his futon. His hair is tousled and he looks awful - there are dark bags under his eyes and all his confidence seems to have drained away. His eyes are slightly reddish, probably from exhaustion rather than crying and he pulls his white hood over his head when he sees Kame, crossing his arms too in the process.
“You look awful,” Kame mumbles, feeling guilty as he crashes down next to Jin. The man drums his fingers together and shrugs nonchalantly. His lips are pursed in the way that indicates that he has something to say but can’t get it out of his mouth.
Jin’s never been good with words. Not really. His behaviour makes Kame scared of hearing what he has to say.
“So I talked with Koki,” he starts, looking at his hands rather than at Kame. He sniffs quietly and rubs his nose, movements oddly coordinated in his anxious state of mind. “He told me about Hiragawa. Your ex.”
Kame freezes. He shakes his head dumbly and grabs Jin’s sleeve - he doesn’t want this. Koki and Jin should never be put in the same room. They’re both too over-protective and can never understand the whole ordeal with Takeo. It wasn’t what it might’ve seemed to an outsider. It had its downsides, yes, but the good things about it were way more than enough to compensate.
“Don’t pity me,” he mumbles quickly and Jin flinches, looking away completely. “Koki can make the whole thing sound bad.”
“I’m not pitying you,” Jin snaps at him finally, turning around. His eyes burn with a fire Kame is familiar with - not too familiar when it’s in Jin’s eyes, having only seen a few short glimpses of it, but way more familiar in the eyes of Hiragawa Takeo, his boyfriend since high school. “Oh fucking hell with you. He told me what your approach to this is, you asshole!”
Kame goes quiet, not daring to speak. Jin is shaking out of fury, his breathing laboured and irregular. His fingers curl into fists and he fidgets restlessly beside him. Kame is reminded of his past, nights of fighting, yelling, roaring, screaming and pressuring. Takeo always knew how to get his way.
Jin isn’t Takeo, though. Instead of lashing out, he’s doing his best to contain himself, to hide inside his white hoodie that is way too big for him. Kame’s mouth is dry - he supposes he’s expected to come up with some sort of answer so that Jin doesn’t have to pull a continuous monologue, he’s supposed to explain his view of things and clarify the situation for Jin because he deserves to know.
“Say something,” Jin mumbles with a strained and annoyed voice. “I want you to say something. You aren’t denying it. Damn it, deny it or admit it, whichever it is. I need to know.”
He looks like he’s about to break and crumble into small pieces. Kame puts a hand on his shoulder and feels the violent flinch. Jin won’t even look at him anymore. He can’t, Kame assumes. Too overwhelmed with emotions. The typical, lovely and innocent Jin.
“…Proper dating…” Kame starts warily, his voice threatening to fail him, “it’s just… difficult. I just don’t think I’ll fall in love like that again if at all so… it’s just impractical. I’ll be unhappy and the other person won’t get what they could with someone else if they’re stuck with me so… it’s just irritation all over.”
“S-so you weren’t serious,” Jin chokes, his faltering voice breaking. Kame doesn’t see his face from the shadows of his hood. “Alright. That’s alright. I mean, if you don’t feel anything then… it’s useless, isn’t it? You’re right, I d-don’t want that. If you feel like you can’t take me seriously then… That won’t be fine anymore. I’m glad we figured this out.”
“Are you alright?” Kame tries to ask him gently. Jin pulls away and gets up on his feet. He wipes his nose into his sleeve quickly and faces Kame with unconfident eyes, retreating fast.
“I think we should stop this. Stop seeing each other,” he mumbles and shrugs, stuffing his hands in his hoodie’s pockets. “I’ll get over you. Now I can. If I stay it’ll just be worse later so… I’m sorry. I just think we shouldn’t see each other again.”
For some reason it makes Kame want to cry. He bites his lip and stares at Jin with his eyes wide like a deer’s. He doesn’t know why it feels so bad - maybe because he had genuinely enjoyed the other man’s company and established some sort of close relationship with him. If only Jin wouldn’t have liked him as much as he did.
He nods. Jin sniffs and turns his face towards the ground again. He waves with his hand briefly before walking out. He closes the door behind him and Kame picks up his pillow quietly. He wraps his arms around it and stares ahead, trying to force his raging feelings under control.
He doesn’t understand why it’s so bad. He just doesn’t. Jin had been funny, fascinating, relaxing and not to mention an exceptionally good-looking man. He’d made him enjoy things he had been certain he’d absolutely hate. He knows he should despise himself for feeling that way around the man but he doesn’t. They had been good weeks.
Why didn’t he accept Jin? Why couldn’t he? What was seriously so fucking wrong about it? If he had liked it and Jin had liked it then… what was the problem? He didn’t have to be in love with the man yet, not at this point. Just willing to give Jin the possibility to try to make him fall in love. That had really been all that Jin had been asking for and he had just bluntly denied him.
Could he give the man a possibility? The thought makes him freeze. No, no way. Jin already got hurt at this stage - he’s right, later on the pain would just be worse. He doesn’t have the right to play with a heart like that, not when his own is so dismantled.
If Jin had only pressed on it more. Forced him to take him, giving him no choice. Maybe then he could’ve, if it hadn’t been his choice. It all came down to Jin’s stupid lack of self-esteem in the most ridiculous situations.
He catches himself feeling too much grief over losing just a good regular lay. It makes him panic and go through the reasons behind his decisions over and over again. He tries to evaluate his feelings, which is so stupid because Jin is already gone yet he still can’t stop himself. It’s coming in too strongly.
He knows he doesn’t want to lose Jin.
He dashes after the man, leaving his front door open. He runs shoe-less down the stairs, his socks almost making him slip more than once. The ruckus echoes on the staircase as he passes one story after another and finally reaches the ground floor, catching the sight of Jin’s trainer disappearing out of view through the door.
He crashes against the door and it takes him awhile to realise he should pull, not push before he manages to rush to the street. Jin is already quite far away from the building, his head lowered as he walks through the few people on the street.
“Jin!” he yells shakily and slaps himself - not like the man could hear his peeping. “JIN! Stop, goddammit!”
The man turns around, looking startled and disbelieving. He doesn’t look even a bit happy when Kame jogs to him. He takes in a shaky breath, blinks his glossy eyes and scratches his nose absently before Kame reaches him and stops, panting and feeling sort of scared of his actions himself.
“I’m not ready for the whole boyfriend thing,” he moans, trying to hold Jin’s pained gaze as well as possible. “It’s too much, way too much. But… I can… I can try. I can try to take you seriously,” he begs and grabs the man’s wrist. He hadn’t even noticed the violent shaking of his hands. “From now on I’ll take you seriously. I promise. Please. Please.”
Jin stares at him, looking disbelieving. He shakes his head slightly and Kame’s face drops - then he realises the possible interpretation of his movement and lets out a panicky cry, pulling his wrist free from Kame’s hold.
“I. If you just. S-seriously?” he stutters with a dumb expression on his face. “You’re not just saying that? If you are, I’ll seriously punch you. I don’t care about your past, I’ll punch you. I’m stupid, I won’t know if you’re serious or not.”
“My brother Yuichiro has his wedding on the twelfth. Saturday, a week from now,” he tries to convince the man desperately. “Come with me. As my date. I’ll show you to my family, does that prove you I’m serious enough?”
“Family?” Jin peeps, looking overwhelmed. “Wow. Um. Hadn’t been expecting that this soon.”
“You don’t have to come,” Kame groans and buries his face in his hands anxiously. “I’m just offering if that’s what you want. My parents are a bit homophobic. They’re not too aggressive about it but… My brothers are better with it but… I just... Maybe it’s a bad idea.”
“I’ll come, but you’ll have to meet my family too then,” Jin insists, starting to get his usual posture back bit by bit. Kame grimaces - families aren’t really his thing. Takeo had only met his once and it had been the quietest family lunch he had ever sat through. He had never seen Takeo’s parents.
“You’re evil,” he accuses with a whine. “You’re seriously evil, Jin.”
“If you’re serious you’ll meet them,” Jin barks at him. “We’ll meet each other’s parents. And friends. No other people to fool around with, we’ll admit to having something going on.”
“Don’t come up with any more conditions,” Kame frowns, eyeing Jin accusatively. “I’m warning you. This much I can agree on, but much more and you can be sure I’m turning around.”
“Take me with you then,” Jin whispers and pulls him into a tight hug. Kame melts in it - he wraps his own arms around the man and breathes in his scent from his shoulder. He’s not sure whether he had made the right choice or not but he can only assume that time will show him.
Koki’s right. It’s worth a shot. If he has any chance for it, maybe he should just go and grasp it.
Jin hustles him back inside, complaining about his pale form and the coldness of his limbs. He sits him down on the chair and raids his fridge to find something edible for him. Once he’s finished stuffing his face with food, he tapes his stressed wrist and forces him into bed, insisting they’ll go and see the doctor as soon as he wakes up to have a better look at him.
Jin’s body warmth against his is soothing. Kame knows he’ll have to address his possible feelings soon and actually unlock the limitations put into his head. Not all of them can be true after all.
Cerulean lulls him to sleep.
--
Koki hands him a beer over the tiny couch table. Sakura barks and whines, her tail wagging as she circles her owner’s feet. Koki gives her a dental bone and ruffles her head before sitting next to Kame on the couch, raising his feet on the table. Kame leans against him and takes a swig from the bottle, enjoying the taste spreading over his tongue.
“I don’t know if I made the right thing. I just panicked,” he snarls hopelessly, throwing his head back. His body aches dully because of the strained muscles he’s had for a few days now. The more he thinks about it, the more uncertain he gets. Koki throws his arm around his shoulders encouragingly. He’s smiling a bit and Kame can tell that even if he’s stressed out of his mind, his friend is finally finding some peace.
“You liked him enough to give him a chance,” Koki reminds him. Sakura jumps on the couch with the dental bone in her mouth and lies down next to her owner, her teeth grinding against the tough material. Koki pats her gently, the good owner he is. “I think you might get something out of the whole thing.”
“I’m sorry about the wedding,” Kame grimaces, looking at his friend apologetically. “I know I promised you but he didn’t seem too convinced about me taking him seriously and I couldn’t think of another way to show him. I think he has some trust issues.”
“Your mum asked you to bring a date anyway. Don’t worry, I think I’ll find girls my type easier from the clubs than weddings,” Koki brushes him off and drinks from his own beer. “Maybe that’s why I’m still unmarried.”
“So it didn’t work out between you and Yukari-chan,” Kame winces, remembering the temperamental woman he’d met on a few occasions. Koki shakes his head and shrugs. He doesn’t seem too bothered about it.
He listens to the sounds Sakura makes on Koki’s other side and reflects back to Jin’s smiles and endless blabbering once he’s gotten started. He just doesn’t know - he wishes he did, but truthfully speaking he never was much involved with anyone on a serious level. He’s far from an expert to see how things should normally develop.
“How are the books? I heard you’re piling them up again,” Koki asks him in a lighter tone. Kame remembers the contract issue and frowns, lips pursed in annoyance. He takes a bitter sip from the bottle and groans. “…Not good then,” Koki mumbles, his curiosity sparking up. Kame shakes his head.
“No,” he confirms the man’s suspicions. “They want to put me on contract. Two books per year, a shitload of marketing and other useless crap. I don’t think I can do it, but my manager isn’t feeling too hopeful about managing to jump elsewhere because apparently I’m impractical.”
“Bullshit,” Koki cries, almost spilling his drink. Sakura winces and growls, raising her head from the bone between her paws. “You’ve had two fucking bestsellers!”
“Still,” Kame groans, the cool glass of the bottle pressed against his lips. “I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t see myself doing that. There has to be another way.”
His mood is low. Too much stress threatens to pile up again with the whole Jin issue and his job at line. He hasn’t dared to go home to face his hypnotizing walls in a while, wrist still hurting. His doctors are scolding him, saying he’s going to have serious problems with it at an older age, especially if he keeps on mistreating it. Kame imagines his hand amputated and feels nausea settling in his stomach. He sets down the beer and stretches nervously. He knows he’ll have to face his wall sooner than later anyway.
Not tonight, though. He’s going to sleep over at Koki’s place, helping out with Sakura and spending time with his busy friend. Koki’s practicing for some dancing contest and the auditions will be within a few weeks from now. He wants to help out as much as he can, not having much else to do.
Besides, he assumes he can always crash Jin’s condo if he wants to.
--
The wedding comes too soon. Kame’s snappy and anxious for the whole morning, gulping down several cups of coffee but leaving breakfast at that. He puts on his dark suit, still in plastic after coming from the drycleaner, and completes the look with a light yellow shirt, golden watch and necklace. He actually digs up his hair straightener that’s been gathering dust in its box and tries to smoothen his hair, curling his fringe a little from the tips.
He grabs the neatly packaged gift from his table and dials Jin’s number, feeling stressed and panicky about the whole thing. He hopes Jin’s alarm hasn’t failed him and he’s still on some midday nap. The man’s sleeping patterns aren’t always exactly the healthiest type.
“I don’t know what to wear,” comes the immediate answer in the sound of a begging whine. Kame sighs and rubs his temples. It’s up to him then, he figures, and feels sort of cranky at Jin for making him take care of him like some helpless little puppy.
“I’ll be there in five,” he snarls and cuts the call. He slips his apartment keys and mobile phone in his pocket before dashing out of the house. He hopes to god Jin’s at least had the decency to take a shower - they might not be boyfriends, but things are bad already as they are with him having the guts to bring a man he’s involved with to his brother’s wedding under his parents’ eyes. He’d at least like Jin to have some class.
He hops into his car and drives to Jin’s condo. He rings the doorbell and listens to the ruckus from inside - Jin’s stumbling on something he assumes - and steps in when the door opens. Jin greets him with an anxious look on his face. He’s standing in his boxers, hair still slightly damp.
“You look good,” he croaks pathetically as Kame pushes ahead of him, making his way to the bedroom. Jin’s walls and ceiling are painted midnight blue with a starry sky opening up. The paint of the stars is something weird that illuminates during the night, but now with the lights on it looks dull and artificial. Jin had once explained to Kame that he had painted it when he had first moved in at the age of twenty, having some weird fascination with stars and space back then. Kame can imagine it.
“No way will you be wearing a pink shirt,” he grimaces at one of the shirts thrown on the bed. “Don’t be flamboyant right from the first meeting, will you?”
“Straight men wear pink too, it’s called fashion you -”
Kame ignores Jin’s defence and eyes quickly through the pile. He picks up a baby blue shirt and examines it briefly before handing it over to Jin. “You’ve got silvery accessories, right? Where do you keep them? Get a dark suit with that, no stripes or you’ll look ridiculous.”
“Thanks for making me self-conscious,” Jin whines and starts dressing up. His movements are slightly uncoordinated and he looks pale and stressed. It’s a big thing for him, Kame knows, but it’s a big thing for him too and he doesn’t want to screw it up.
“I’m sorry,” he sighs and pecks Jin’s lips gently. “I’m just really stressed right now. I didn’t mean to snap. So where’s the jewellery?”
“That dresser, the small drawer on top right,” Jin mumbles and points at the large container and Kame walks over, wincing at the tangled mess of jewellery. He’ll have to get the man a proper jewellery kit for holding all of them or something.
He picks up a silvery earring of a kneeled woman from the drawer and chuckles amusedly. He decides to pick it just because it’ll make Jin look at least a bit less gay and more acceptable even if the earring might be a bit inappropriate to the situation, a silvery watch with golden lining and peers at the diamonds. Jin has to be richer than he’d originally assumed or it’s some whim he’d been saving for. Money could tempt his parents a little though and soften the blow so he hands it over to Jin as well.
“I can’t wear this earring to a wedding, Kame!” Jin complains loudly. “It makes me look like some rude player!”
“Just wear it,” Kame snaps and clips a thin silver chain around Jin’s neck. “And we’ve got to do something to your hair.”
“What’s wrong with my hair?” Jin muses with a hurt voice as Kame ushers him towards the bathroom. “You’ve never complained before! If you want me to go and cut it I will but you’ll have to say it straight first!”
“Your hair is fine, just not right now,” Kame snarls. Jin takes things too personally sometimes. He takes a comb and a hair tie and puts it in a bun. Jin frowns, looking at himself from the mirror. He doesn’t look too convinced.
“You said I shouldn’t be flamboyant but now I look like some girl, Kame!” he complains. “A bun? Are you serious?!”
Kame sprays hairspray and Jin whimpers, losing the fight. Kame knows he’s sometimes a bit too unreasonable when it comes to fashion and that people don’t always quite appreciate his choices on themselves but Jin looks good so who cares. He doesn’t look dull and boring and Kame likes to think that their attires match in some odd way.
“I don’t like this,” Jin mumbles sadly, still frowning as he examines himself from the bathroom mirror. He looks a bit horrified, fingers carefully brushing the bun at the back of his head. Kame slaps his hand off.
“We’re going. Get in the car, I don’t want to be late, you’ve already stalled us enough.”
Jin is gloomy for the whole duration of the drive. He sits on the passenger’s seat with his arms crossed and looks out of the window. Kame can see the thin line of his lips from the mirror and feels a bit bad for being too overpowering and mean to his date. He knows Jin is trying his best, it’s Kame who sets the standards too high when the man panics.
He pulls over at the parking lot of a tall apartment building where the fancy restaurant is located. Jin sniffs and opens his seatbelt but Kame presses his hand over Jin’s, feeling a nervous lump in his throat as he gets Jin’s attention.
“I’m sorry for being an asshole,” he sighs apologetically. “Really. I’ll make it up to you.”
“You’d better,” Jin scoffs and looks away. Kame sighs and grabs the present before stepping out of the car. After Jin’s slammed his door shut he locks the doors and starts heading towards the building. Jin follows him, still gloomy. Kame has a feeling the introductions aren’t going to go too well.
“Come on,” he croaks and offers his hand at the doors. Jin frowns but takes it and lets Kame drag him in the lift where he pushes the button to the fourth floor. He brushes Jin’s hand with his thumb and keeps him close as they wait. Jin’s peering at the numbers announcing the floor.
The doors slide open and Jin lets go of his hand as they step in. He looks slightly less irritated and more curious, mumbling something about having never been here before. Kame’s seen the place only once too, having joined his family to the small dinner to try out the food while going through potential ceremony places. The restaurant’s been reserved for them for the day and some guests are already congratulating the couple.
It isn’t going to be anything too ceremonial. Yuichiro hadn’t wanted that, never been the one for spotlights and his bride had agreed. The atmosphere is relaxed and only a few tens of people have been invited, mostly family and then some friends from both sides.
“Kazuya!” Yuichiro smiles and waves him over. Kame gives Jin an encouraging look and motions for him to follow as they approach the couple. Ayame smiles at him and Kame greets them both with a short hug before handing his present to the bride with a smile. Yuichiro ruffles his hair and Kame winces, slapping his hand away.
“I styled it, don’t ruin it,” he snarls, a hint of amusement in his voice. Yuichiro hugs him tighter before turning his eyes at Jin by his side. Jin’s changing his weight from one leg to another nervously, his head slightly bowed.
“Congratulations,” he mumbles and Yuichiro smiles and shakes his hand, thanking him politely. He’s really radiant, thin eyes sparkling with joy and bewilderment. Kame knows he’s been waiting for the day anxiously, trying to perfect everything about it for the sake of his future wife.
“Akanishi Jin,” Kame introduces his date. Ayame smiles at him, holding his fiancé’s hands in her slender fingers. “He’s accompanying me today. Jin, these are my eldest brother Yuichiro and his fiancé Ayame-chan.”
“Nice to meet you, Akanishi-san,” Yuichiro greets with an acknowledging nod. Jin mutters something similar and Yuichiro smirks at Kame. Kame assumes he’s really out of it today, being so cheery it’s almost a bit creepy. He’s happy for his brother, though.
“Koji hasn’t arrived yet. Yuya and mother are talking to the band,” Yuichiro informs him and points at the far corner of the dining hall. There’s a small stand, not too high, and a violist is tuning his instrument nervously. Kame nods approvingly - it suits the place.
“I guess we’ll go and have a chat with them,” Kame smiles at the groom and bride widely, seeing more people making their way in. He recognizes Yuichiro’s high school friends and pats his shoulder. “And Ayame-chan - you look beautiful today.”
“Thank you, Kazuya,” she takes the compliment and moves slightly to make the hem swirl. Kame laughs as he waves his hand, dragging a slightly petrified and stiff Jin with him. The look on his face is unbeatable and Kame can’t resist quickly snapping a picture of it with his phone, making the man grimace.
“Don’t tease me. That guy looked just like you. I think I might mix you two up,” he whines. “It’s like you’re clones rather than brothers.”
“We aren’t,” Kame assures him with a nod as he slips his phone back in his pocket. “It’s just the first impression. I’m sure by the evening you’ll be able to list a whole lot of differences between us. Plus I’m the only one of my siblings who’s gotten his nose broken.”
“Badass,” Jin teases him nervously as they approach Kame’s parents. His mother has gotten her hair professionally curled and she’s wearing a dark red dress with short sleeves. Kame hopes she isn’t feeling too cold.
She’s the first to notice them and turn around, eyeing Jin suspiciously. Kame hears his date gulping. Her gaze isn’t too cold, though - mostly she looks a bit surprised and startled, and perhaps just a bit disappointed. Kame’s glad her reaction isn’t worse.
“Kazu,” Yuya greets him after he notices his mother waving at them. His father turns his head around too. They all look at Jin and Kame feels the man shrinking in a bit. He pats the man’s back to give him courage as they stop, Kame pulling his parents in separate greeting hugs. Yuya greets Jin with a handshake and nod. Jin’s voice is lower than usual.
“Is he your new friend, Kazuya?” his mother asks politely after nodding at Jin. Kame’s father is bluntly staring at Jin’s watch that peeks from under his sleeve.
“You told me to bring a date,” Kame tries to say confidently and pushes Jin closer to his parents, draping his arm across the man’s hips. “Mum and dad, this is Akanishi Jin. We’ve been going out somewhat lately.”
The introductions aren’t too bad. Kame’s father recognizes Jin’s name, having read a review of his exhibition from the newspaper. Jin flushes a bit red as he talks about art, trying to eye Kame for help. Yuya pats Kame’s shoulder and whispers “nice catch!” to his ear before giving him a discreet thumbs up. His brothers have been more understanding with his sexuality than his parents. Kame assumes it’s because of the more open-minded generation, but he’s grateful nonetheless.
The evening goes pretty well. There’s laughter and music, dancing and wedding cake after the vows have been given and rings secured on the new wedded couple’s fingers. Kame’s mother tries to desperately usher some unfortunate girls at them and even takes Jin away once to give him a tour of introductions to some young women in the party. Kame shakes his head as he holds his champagne glass, watching Jin nervously licking his lips as his mother introduces him to some woman with a good cleavage.
“She’s at it again, huh,” Koji mumbles as he stands next to him. Kame nods and grins a little at his older brother. Koji’s long-term girlfriend Ryoko is chatting with the bride happily, laughing and snacking on some pastries from the buffet. Kame wonders when they’re finally going to get engaged. “She can be pretty shameless.”
“I guess,” Kame agrees. “She doesn’t mean ill with it, though. She’s just… a bit old-fashioned.”
“So. This new male friend of yours,” Koji smirks at him knowingly. Kame starts feeling like a child again, always teased and forced to run around by his older brothers. He knows that smirk, it’s the one he’s been staring at for uncountable times as they’ve tried to tease him into talking about his crushes or anything. His brothers can be insistent. “How serious?”
“I don’t know,” Kame admits unsurely, looking at Jin again, seeing his mother pushing him and the girl on the dance floor. He almost chokes on his drink - his mother really is ruthless. Poor Jin for agreeing to this madness. “We haven’t been seeing each other for thatlong.”
“But you like him?” his brother insists, fishing for the juicy details. Kame nods, feeling his body tingle a little at the thought. Koji smirks teasingly and clangs their glasses together. “That’s where it starts, Ka-kun. I’m proud of you. We’ve been a bit worried.”
“Don’t worry about me,” Kame mumbles and purses his lips as he glares at his brother. He’s looking at Ryoko, though. Kame follows his gaze and smirks a little, feeling the nosy little brother inside of him awakening too.
“You should just propose to her,” he teases. “You’ve been together for long enough. How many years was it again?”
“Four,” Koji admits. He bites on his lip, contemplating about telling something. Kame pokes his side teasingly, and the man winces before backing away from him a bit. “Don’t make me spill my drink, idiot!” he shushes quietly. Kame thinks his smirk might very well reach his ears.
“Let it out,” he demands. “Did she reject you?”
“No, no, nothing like that,” Koji mumbles and licks his lips nervously, glancing briefly at his girlfriend again. “It’s just that… I don’t want to announce it tonight, it’s Yuichiro’s big day. But… she’s pregnant,” he mutters and flushes pink. Kame stares and tries to comprehend the situation, looking at the radiant happy woman next to the bride again.
“You’re going to get a child?” he asks, delighted. “Oh god. I didn’t know you were… Did you plan for it?”
“In the future, yes,” his brother shrugs. “Maybe in a few years. But I can’t say I’d be unhappy that it’s now, I just… I’m going to be a father,” he gasps, looking happy and nervous at the same time. “We’re planning to finally get married soon. It’s better for the child to be born in a marriage.”
“Congratulations,” Kame squeals. He feels an odd creepy baby fever trying to sneak in his brains and fights to shake it off - it’s impossible anyway. But he couldn’t be more excited and happier for Koji. “Mum’s going to be happy. How far is the pregnancy? She isn’t really showing yet.”
“About four weeks,” Koji croaks. “Eight months to go. I’ll have to break the news to mum and dad soon. Maybe when Yuichiro comes back from the honeymoon. You’re the first one to know.”
“I can’t believe both of my older brothers are getting married,” Kame gasps. “You’re making me feel old.”
“Settle down already,” Koji laughs and pats his back. “Go and save your date from the swarm of ladies out there on the dance floor like a good boyfriend already.”
“We aren’t dating,” Kame reminds him stiffly, emptying his champagne glass. Koji shrugs, looking unconvinced.
“You will be soon enough,” he says with a certain voice. “But excuse me, I’ve got to go and keep my fiancé from drinking alcohol. Not good for the baby,” he excuses himself and walks away. Kame looks after him, wondering when they all managed to grow up.
Kame takes his brother’s advice and joins his date on the dance floor. The band is playing some joyous jazz and Jin smirks at him as he drapes his hands behind his neck and pulls him through the crowd, stealing him from the chattering girls.
“I think I might want to get married someday,” Jin sighs wonderingly, looking around with curious eyes. Kame frowns and pushes his chest slightly and the man laughs and pulls him closer. “You know, same-sex marriage is legal in some countries.”
“You’re way ahead of things,” Kame groans at Jin. “I think you’ll need to come back a few steps.”
“Just a thought,” Jin whispers in his ear teasingly. “I thought I’d put it out there.”
“I don’t think I want that,” Kame admits. “At least not now. We’ll see what time brings, okay?”
“Okay,” Jin promises and swirls him around. The wedding’s quite enjoyable, even with people’s eyes on them. He’d expected it to turn out worse, but now he’s just got a feeling that everything will be alright.
Jin’s laughter rings in his ears.
--
PART 5
He’s already pulled his jacket on when he freezes on the spot, sensing something creeping behind him. He turns around helplessly, facing his walls all around him. He hesitantly removes his jacket and tiptoes to the wall in his boots, caressing it carefully.
“Anyone there?” he quietly asks, letting his eyes move upwards towards the ceiling. His hair stands on edge as he feels the walls creeping in and pulsating. He bites his lip, forcing himself to remain calm. He’s not going to have a panic attack because of this. It didn’t feel as bad before - actually, the feeling had always been quite pleasant.
It isn’t anymore. Kame feels frost filling his throat and he wraps his arms around himself. The spirits scream at him so loud Kame thinks his eardrums will break - he cries out and grabs his head as a migraine hits him full blast. He sees white spots as the words are spat at him vulgarly.
There’s cerulean everywhere. He falls down on his back and curls up, trying to relax and give into it the way he’s supposed to. It makes it easier. He empties his brain and lets it come to him as he lies on the cold floor. It comes over him like waves on the beach and for a long moment Kame isn’t able to breathe.
--
Kame comes to his senses god-knows how many days later. His mouth is dry and he feels exhausted to the point of nausea as his upper body lies on the desk. There are stacks of papers with his scribbly handwriting all over them and Kame picks up the latest page - Fin. He feels relief wrecking his body and laughs exhaustedly for a while before managing to get up to get a bottle of water from the fridge. He empties it in one go and feels too full to get any solid food down yet, even though postponing eating is probably a really bad thing.
He fishes his mobile phone from his pocket and decides to check the date, just to catch up with reality. He’s surprised to find 50 missed calls and 14 voice mails impatiently waiting for him in his inbox. The list of callers includes most of his closest friends once or twice - the rest are from Jin, although those had stopped coming in two days ago. It’s been six days since he stood him up now.
“Damn it,” he mumbles weakly and sits down, placing the phone on the desk and putting the sounds on speaker as he listens to the voice mails, rubbing his swollen eyes with his weakened fingers. The pain in his wrist is becoming unbearable and he thinks he should probably tape it or something once he gets some of his energy back.
“Um, you’re not picking up. I guess you’re a bit late,” Jin’s voice greets him chirpily from the speakers. There’s a loud ruckus of people around him - he’s talking in a crowd. Oh yeah, the concert… “I’ll just wait for you at the doors, okay? See you soon.”
And then the messages that keep on coming. The next one always sounds more desperate and hopeless as the previous as Jin starts worrying about a possible car accident. He keeps asking him if he is alright, if something came up or if he was even on his way. Eventually he tells that the concert ended but it’s totally alright, just please call back.
Apparently, Jin’s been banging on his door and ringing the doorbell. He’s been worried sick and finally starts cursing angry spiteful remarks about how manipulative and cruel he is, not even bothering to face him after getting some. Sometimes his voice is soft and quiet, broken in a way, but sometimes it’s furious roaring he probably does a bit drunk inside the safety of his apartment or studio. There’s even one voice mail from Yamapi asking him how he’s doing and would he just please at least confront Jin because he’s really tired of watching his friend brood over the clock, mourning after him.
Then the final message. It’s simple and short, just Jin tiredly stating “Kame, I know. We need to talk,” and that’s it. Kame feels awfully guilty as he dials back in panic, wondering if Jin will even pick up anymore. He knows Yamapi will and he will eventually be able to reach the man and explain the misunderstanding. It’s the first time he’s really become unaware of the days he’s spent writing - he honestly just hasn’t noticed Jin’s desperate attempts to reach him.
“Took you long enough,” Jin croaks to the phone. Kame gulps - Jin sounds too calm and too exhausted. He licks his lips and rubs his cold hands together, trying to come up with the right words to say to refrain from infuriating him.
“I was writing. I-I haven’t really told you about h-how it goes for me yet so I’m sorry this situation came up,” he stutters hysterically, combing his hair back with his fingers. It’s greasy and his scalp itches. He grimaces at himself in disgust. “I really did mean to come to the concert, this just happened and I -”
“Koki thought so,” Jin sniffs awkwardly, his voice muffled and unsure. “The man at the café. I ran into him a few days ago, he had some street performance thing and he told me that might’ve happened.”
“Oh. Oh good,” Kame lets out a relieved laughter, gripping his fringe in his weak and shaky grip. He closes his eyes and licks his lips again, rocking on the chair he’s sitting on. “Do you want to come over or something? Please.”
“Yeah,” Jin sniffs. “We need to talk. I’d like to do it face to face.”
It doesn’t sound good. Kame doesn’t know what’s wrong - he’s practically been out of it for six whole days now. He can only assume that he’s drunk water and used the toilet to even sit where he is alive and without a puddle of urine on the floor.
“I’ll open the lock so you can just come in when you get here, okay? I need a shower. I’ll make it quick. Then we’ll talk, I promise,” he swears. Jin mumbles something incoherent as an answer and cuts the call. Kame goes to unlock the door before dragging clean clothes with him to the bathroom and turning the shower on hot to warm his chilled body down. He really should try to get something down soon too.
When he comes back from the bathroom Jin is already sitting on his futon. His hair is tousled and he looks awful - there are dark bags under his eyes and all his confidence seems to have drained away. His eyes are slightly reddish, probably from exhaustion rather than crying and he pulls his white hood over his head when he sees Kame, crossing his arms too in the process.
“You look awful,” Kame mumbles, feeling guilty as he crashes down next to Jin. The man drums his fingers together and shrugs nonchalantly. His lips are pursed in the way that indicates that he has something to say but can’t get it out of his mouth.
Jin’s never been good with words. Not really. His behaviour makes Kame scared of hearing what he has to say.
“So I talked with Koki,” he starts, looking at his hands rather than at Kame. He sniffs quietly and rubs his nose, movements oddly coordinated in his anxious state of mind. “He told me about Hiragawa. Your ex.”
Kame freezes. He shakes his head dumbly and grabs Jin’s sleeve - he doesn’t want this. Koki and Jin should never be put in the same room. They’re both too over-protective and can never understand the whole ordeal with Takeo. It wasn’t what it might’ve seemed to an outsider. It had its downsides, yes, but the good things about it were way more than enough to compensate.
“Don’t pity me,” he mumbles quickly and Jin flinches, looking away completely. “Koki can make the whole thing sound bad.”
“I’m not pitying you,” Jin snaps at him finally, turning around. His eyes burn with a fire Kame is familiar with - not too familiar when it’s in Jin’s eyes, having only seen a few short glimpses of it, but way more familiar in the eyes of Hiragawa Takeo, his boyfriend since high school. “Oh fucking hell with you. He told me what your approach to this is, you asshole!”
Kame goes quiet, not daring to speak. Jin is shaking out of fury, his breathing laboured and irregular. His fingers curl into fists and he fidgets restlessly beside him. Kame is reminded of his past, nights of fighting, yelling, roaring, screaming and pressuring. Takeo always knew how to get his way.
Jin isn’t Takeo, though. Instead of lashing out, he’s doing his best to contain himself, to hide inside his white hoodie that is way too big for him. Kame’s mouth is dry - he supposes he’s expected to come up with some sort of answer so that Jin doesn’t have to pull a continuous monologue, he’s supposed to explain his view of things and clarify the situation for Jin because he deserves to know.
“Say something,” Jin mumbles with a strained and annoyed voice. “I want you to say something. You aren’t denying it. Damn it, deny it or admit it, whichever it is. I need to know.”
He looks like he’s about to break and crumble into small pieces. Kame puts a hand on his shoulder and feels the violent flinch. Jin won’t even look at him anymore. He can’t, Kame assumes. Too overwhelmed with emotions. The typical, lovely and innocent Jin.
“…Proper dating…” Kame starts warily, his voice threatening to fail him, “it’s just… difficult. I just don’t think I’ll fall in love like that again if at all so… it’s just impractical. I’ll be unhappy and the other person won’t get what they could with someone else if they’re stuck with me so… it’s just irritation all over.”
“S-so you weren’t serious,” Jin chokes, his faltering voice breaking. Kame doesn’t see his face from the shadows of his hood. “Alright. That’s alright. I mean, if you don’t feel anything then… it’s useless, isn’t it? You’re right, I d-don’t want that. If you feel like you can’t take me seriously then… That won’t be fine anymore. I’m glad we figured this out.”
“Are you alright?” Kame tries to ask him gently. Jin pulls away and gets up on his feet. He wipes his nose into his sleeve quickly and faces Kame with unconfident eyes, retreating fast.
“I think we should stop this. Stop seeing each other,” he mumbles and shrugs, stuffing his hands in his hoodie’s pockets. “I’ll get over you. Now I can. If I stay it’ll just be worse later so… I’m sorry. I just think we shouldn’t see each other again.”
For some reason it makes Kame want to cry. He bites his lip and stares at Jin with his eyes wide like a deer’s. He doesn’t know why it feels so bad - maybe because he had genuinely enjoyed the other man’s company and established some sort of close relationship with him. If only Jin wouldn’t have liked him as much as he did.
He nods. Jin sniffs and turns his face towards the ground again. He waves with his hand briefly before walking out. He closes the door behind him and Kame picks up his pillow quietly. He wraps his arms around it and stares ahead, trying to force his raging feelings under control.
He doesn’t understand why it’s so bad. He just doesn’t. Jin had been funny, fascinating, relaxing and not to mention an exceptionally good-looking man. He’d made him enjoy things he had been certain he’d absolutely hate. He knows he should despise himself for feeling that way around the man but he doesn’t. They had been good weeks.
Why didn’t he accept Jin? Why couldn’t he? What was seriously so fucking wrong about it? If he had liked it and Jin had liked it then… what was the problem? He didn’t have to be in love with the man yet, not at this point. Just willing to give Jin the possibility to try to make him fall in love. That had really been all that Jin had been asking for and he had just bluntly denied him.
Could he give the man a possibility? The thought makes him freeze. No, no way. Jin already got hurt at this stage - he’s right, later on the pain would just be worse. He doesn’t have the right to play with a heart like that, not when his own is so dismantled.
If Jin had only pressed on it more. Forced him to take him, giving him no choice. Maybe then he could’ve, if it hadn’t been his choice. It all came down to Jin’s stupid lack of self-esteem in the most ridiculous situations.
He catches himself feeling too much grief over losing just a good regular lay. It makes him panic and go through the reasons behind his decisions over and over again. He tries to evaluate his feelings, which is so stupid because Jin is already gone yet he still can’t stop himself. It’s coming in too strongly.
He knows he doesn’t want to lose Jin.
He dashes after the man, leaving his front door open. He runs shoe-less down the stairs, his socks almost making him slip more than once. The ruckus echoes on the staircase as he passes one story after another and finally reaches the ground floor, catching the sight of Jin’s trainer disappearing out of view through the door.
He crashes against the door and it takes him awhile to realise he should pull, not push before he manages to rush to the street. Jin is already quite far away from the building, his head lowered as he walks through the few people on the street.
“Jin!” he yells shakily and slaps himself - not like the man could hear his peeping. “JIN! Stop, goddammit!”
The man turns around, looking startled and disbelieving. He doesn’t look even a bit happy when Kame jogs to him. He takes in a shaky breath, blinks his glossy eyes and scratches his nose absently before Kame reaches him and stops, panting and feeling sort of scared of his actions himself.
“I’m not ready for the whole boyfriend thing,” he moans, trying to hold Jin’s pained gaze as well as possible. “It’s too much, way too much. But… I can… I can try. I can try to take you seriously,” he begs and grabs the man’s wrist. He hadn’t even noticed the violent shaking of his hands. “From now on I’ll take you seriously. I promise. Please. Please.”
Jin stares at him, looking disbelieving. He shakes his head slightly and Kame’s face drops - then he realises the possible interpretation of his movement and lets out a panicky cry, pulling his wrist free from Kame’s hold.
“I. If you just. S-seriously?” he stutters with a dumb expression on his face. “You’re not just saying that? If you are, I’ll seriously punch you. I don’t care about your past, I’ll punch you. I’m stupid, I won’t know if you’re serious or not.”
“My brother Yuichiro has his wedding on the twelfth. Saturday, a week from now,” he tries to convince the man desperately. “Come with me. As my date. I’ll show you to my family, does that prove you I’m serious enough?”
“Family?” Jin peeps, looking overwhelmed. “Wow. Um. Hadn’t been expecting that this soon.”
“You don’t have to come,” Kame groans and buries his face in his hands anxiously. “I’m just offering if that’s what you want. My parents are a bit homophobic. They’re not too aggressive about it but… My brothers are better with it but… I just... Maybe it’s a bad idea.”
“I’ll come, but you’ll have to meet my family too then,” Jin insists, starting to get his usual posture back bit by bit. Kame grimaces - families aren’t really his thing. Takeo had only met his once and it had been the quietest family lunch he had ever sat through. He had never seen Takeo’s parents.
“You’re evil,” he accuses with a whine. “You’re seriously evil, Jin.”
“If you’re serious you’ll meet them,” Jin barks at him. “We’ll meet each other’s parents. And friends. No other people to fool around with, we’ll admit to having something going on.”
“Don’t come up with any more conditions,” Kame frowns, eyeing Jin accusatively. “I’m warning you. This much I can agree on, but much more and you can be sure I’m turning around.”
“Take me with you then,” Jin whispers and pulls him into a tight hug. Kame melts in it - he wraps his own arms around the man and breathes in his scent from his shoulder. He’s not sure whether he had made the right choice or not but he can only assume that time will show him.
Koki’s right. It’s worth a shot. If he has any chance for it, maybe he should just go and grasp it.
Jin hustles him back inside, complaining about his pale form and the coldness of his limbs. He sits him down on the chair and raids his fridge to find something edible for him. Once he’s finished stuffing his face with food, he tapes his stressed wrist and forces him into bed, insisting they’ll go and see the doctor as soon as he wakes up to have a better look at him.
Jin’s body warmth against his is soothing. Kame knows he’ll have to address his possible feelings soon and actually unlock the limitations put into his head. Not all of them can be true after all.
Cerulean lulls him to sleep.
--
Koki hands him a beer over the tiny couch table. Sakura barks and whines, her tail wagging as she circles her owner’s feet. Koki gives her a dental bone and ruffles her head before sitting next to Kame on the couch, raising his feet on the table. Kame leans against him and takes a swig from the bottle, enjoying the taste spreading over his tongue.
“I don’t know if I made the right thing. I just panicked,” he snarls hopelessly, throwing his head back. His body aches dully because of the strained muscles he’s had for a few days now. The more he thinks about it, the more uncertain he gets. Koki throws his arm around his shoulders encouragingly. He’s smiling a bit and Kame can tell that even if he’s stressed out of his mind, his friend is finally finding some peace.
“You liked him enough to give him a chance,” Koki reminds him. Sakura jumps on the couch with the dental bone in her mouth and lies down next to her owner, her teeth grinding against the tough material. Koki pats her gently, the good owner he is. “I think you might get something out of the whole thing.”
“I’m sorry about the wedding,” Kame grimaces, looking at his friend apologetically. “I know I promised you but he didn’t seem too convinced about me taking him seriously and I couldn’t think of another way to show him. I think he has some trust issues.”
“Your mum asked you to bring a date anyway. Don’t worry, I think I’ll find girls my type easier from the clubs than weddings,” Koki brushes him off and drinks from his own beer. “Maybe that’s why I’m still unmarried.”
“So it didn’t work out between you and Yukari-chan,” Kame winces, remembering the temperamental woman he’d met on a few occasions. Koki shakes his head and shrugs. He doesn’t seem too bothered about it.
He listens to the sounds Sakura makes on Koki’s other side and reflects back to Jin’s smiles and endless blabbering once he’s gotten started. He just doesn’t know - he wishes he did, but truthfully speaking he never was much involved with anyone on a serious level. He’s far from an expert to see how things should normally develop.
“How are the books? I heard you’re piling them up again,” Koki asks him in a lighter tone. Kame remembers the contract issue and frowns, lips pursed in annoyance. He takes a bitter sip from the bottle and groans. “…Not good then,” Koki mumbles, his curiosity sparking up. Kame shakes his head.
“No,” he confirms the man’s suspicions. “They want to put me on contract. Two books per year, a shitload of marketing and other useless crap. I don’t think I can do it, but my manager isn’t feeling too hopeful about managing to jump elsewhere because apparently I’m impractical.”
“Bullshit,” Koki cries, almost spilling his drink. Sakura winces and growls, raising her head from the bone between her paws. “You’ve had two fucking bestsellers!”
“Still,” Kame groans, the cool glass of the bottle pressed against his lips. “I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t see myself doing that. There has to be another way.”
His mood is low. Too much stress threatens to pile up again with the whole Jin issue and his job at line. He hasn’t dared to go home to face his hypnotizing walls in a while, wrist still hurting. His doctors are scolding him, saying he’s going to have serious problems with it at an older age, especially if he keeps on mistreating it. Kame imagines his hand amputated and feels nausea settling in his stomach. He sets down the beer and stretches nervously. He knows he’ll have to face his wall sooner than later anyway.
Not tonight, though. He’s going to sleep over at Koki’s place, helping out with Sakura and spending time with his busy friend. Koki’s practicing for some dancing contest and the auditions will be within a few weeks from now. He wants to help out as much as he can, not having much else to do.
Besides, he assumes he can always crash Jin’s condo if he wants to.
--
The wedding comes too soon. Kame’s snappy and anxious for the whole morning, gulping down several cups of coffee but leaving breakfast at that. He puts on his dark suit, still in plastic after coming from the drycleaner, and completes the look with a light yellow shirt, golden watch and necklace. He actually digs up his hair straightener that’s been gathering dust in its box and tries to smoothen his hair, curling his fringe a little from the tips.
He grabs the neatly packaged gift from his table and dials Jin’s number, feeling stressed and panicky about the whole thing. He hopes Jin’s alarm hasn’t failed him and he’s still on some midday nap. The man’s sleeping patterns aren’t always exactly the healthiest type.
“I don’t know what to wear,” comes the immediate answer in the sound of a begging whine. Kame sighs and rubs his temples. It’s up to him then, he figures, and feels sort of cranky at Jin for making him take care of him like some helpless little puppy.
“I’ll be there in five,” he snarls and cuts the call. He slips his apartment keys and mobile phone in his pocket before dashing out of the house. He hopes to god Jin’s at least had the decency to take a shower - they might not be boyfriends, but things are bad already as they are with him having the guts to bring a man he’s involved with to his brother’s wedding under his parents’ eyes. He’d at least like Jin to have some class.
He hops into his car and drives to Jin’s condo. He rings the doorbell and listens to the ruckus from inside - Jin’s stumbling on something he assumes - and steps in when the door opens. Jin greets him with an anxious look on his face. He’s standing in his boxers, hair still slightly damp.
“You look good,” he croaks pathetically as Kame pushes ahead of him, making his way to the bedroom. Jin’s walls and ceiling are painted midnight blue with a starry sky opening up. The paint of the stars is something weird that illuminates during the night, but now with the lights on it looks dull and artificial. Jin had once explained to Kame that he had painted it when he had first moved in at the age of twenty, having some weird fascination with stars and space back then. Kame can imagine it.
“No way will you be wearing a pink shirt,” he grimaces at one of the shirts thrown on the bed. “Don’t be flamboyant right from the first meeting, will you?”
“Straight men wear pink too, it’s called fashion you -”
Kame ignores Jin’s defence and eyes quickly through the pile. He picks up a baby blue shirt and examines it briefly before handing it over to Jin. “You’ve got silvery accessories, right? Where do you keep them? Get a dark suit with that, no stripes or you’ll look ridiculous.”
“Thanks for making me self-conscious,” Jin whines and starts dressing up. His movements are slightly uncoordinated and he looks pale and stressed. It’s a big thing for him, Kame knows, but it’s a big thing for him too and he doesn’t want to screw it up.
“I’m sorry,” he sighs and pecks Jin’s lips gently. “I’m just really stressed right now. I didn’t mean to snap. So where’s the jewellery?”
“That dresser, the small drawer on top right,” Jin mumbles and points at the large container and Kame walks over, wincing at the tangled mess of jewellery. He’ll have to get the man a proper jewellery kit for holding all of them or something.
He picks up a silvery earring of a kneeled woman from the drawer and chuckles amusedly. He decides to pick it just because it’ll make Jin look at least a bit less gay and more acceptable even if the earring might be a bit inappropriate to the situation, a silvery watch with golden lining and peers at the diamonds. Jin has to be richer than he’d originally assumed or it’s some whim he’d been saving for. Money could tempt his parents a little though and soften the blow so he hands it over to Jin as well.
“I can’t wear this earring to a wedding, Kame!” Jin complains loudly. “It makes me look like some rude player!”
“Just wear it,” Kame snaps and clips a thin silver chain around Jin’s neck. “And we’ve got to do something to your hair.”
“What’s wrong with my hair?” Jin muses with a hurt voice as Kame ushers him towards the bathroom. “You’ve never complained before! If you want me to go and cut it I will but you’ll have to say it straight first!”
“Your hair is fine, just not right now,” Kame snarls. Jin takes things too personally sometimes. He takes a comb and a hair tie and puts it in a bun. Jin frowns, looking at himself from the mirror. He doesn’t look too convinced.
“You said I shouldn’t be flamboyant but now I look like some girl, Kame!” he complains. “A bun? Are you serious?!”
Kame sprays hairspray and Jin whimpers, losing the fight. Kame knows he’s sometimes a bit too unreasonable when it comes to fashion and that people don’t always quite appreciate his choices on themselves but Jin looks good so who cares. He doesn’t look dull and boring and Kame likes to think that their attires match in some odd way.
“I don’t like this,” Jin mumbles sadly, still frowning as he examines himself from the bathroom mirror. He looks a bit horrified, fingers carefully brushing the bun at the back of his head. Kame slaps his hand off.
“We’re going. Get in the car, I don’t want to be late, you’ve already stalled us enough.”
Jin is gloomy for the whole duration of the drive. He sits on the passenger’s seat with his arms crossed and looks out of the window. Kame can see the thin line of his lips from the mirror and feels a bit bad for being too overpowering and mean to his date. He knows Jin is trying his best, it’s Kame who sets the standards too high when the man panics.
He pulls over at the parking lot of a tall apartment building where the fancy restaurant is located. Jin sniffs and opens his seatbelt but Kame presses his hand over Jin’s, feeling a nervous lump in his throat as he gets Jin’s attention.
“I’m sorry for being an asshole,” he sighs apologetically. “Really. I’ll make it up to you.”
“You’d better,” Jin scoffs and looks away. Kame sighs and grabs the present before stepping out of the car. After Jin’s slammed his door shut he locks the doors and starts heading towards the building. Jin follows him, still gloomy. Kame has a feeling the introductions aren’t going to go too well.
“Come on,” he croaks and offers his hand at the doors. Jin frowns but takes it and lets Kame drag him in the lift where he pushes the button to the fourth floor. He brushes Jin’s hand with his thumb and keeps him close as they wait. Jin’s peering at the numbers announcing the floor.
The doors slide open and Jin lets go of his hand as they step in. He looks slightly less irritated and more curious, mumbling something about having never been here before. Kame’s seen the place only once too, having joined his family to the small dinner to try out the food while going through potential ceremony places. The restaurant’s been reserved for them for the day and some guests are already congratulating the couple.
It isn’t going to be anything too ceremonial. Yuichiro hadn’t wanted that, never been the one for spotlights and his bride had agreed. The atmosphere is relaxed and only a few tens of people have been invited, mostly family and then some friends from both sides.
“Kazuya!” Yuichiro smiles and waves him over. Kame gives Jin an encouraging look and motions for him to follow as they approach the couple. Ayame smiles at him and Kame greets them both with a short hug before handing his present to the bride with a smile. Yuichiro ruffles his hair and Kame winces, slapping his hand away.
“I styled it, don’t ruin it,” he snarls, a hint of amusement in his voice. Yuichiro hugs him tighter before turning his eyes at Jin by his side. Jin’s changing his weight from one leg to another nervously, his head slightly bowed.
“Congratulations,” he mumbles and Yuichiro smiles and shakes his hand, thanking him politely. He’s really radiant, thin eyes sparkling with joy and bewilderment. Kame knows he’s been waiting for the day anxiously, trying to perfect everything about it for the sake of his future wife.
“Akanishi Jin,” Kame introduces his date. Ayame smiles at him, holding his fiancé’s hands in her slender fingers. “He’s accompanying me today. Jin, these are my eldest brother Yuichiro and his fiancé Ayame-chan.”
“Nice to meet you, Akanishi-san,” Yuichiro greets with an acknowledging nod. Jin mutters something similar and Yuichiro smirks at Kame. Kame assumes he’s really out of it today, being so cheery it’s almost a bit creepy. He’s happy for his brother, though.
“Koji hasn’t arrived yet. Yuya and mother are talking to the band,” Yuichiro informs him and points at the far corner of the dining hall. There’s a small stand, not too high, and a violist is tuning his instrument nervously. Kame nods approvingly - it suits the place.
“I guess we’ll go and have a chat with them,” Kame smiles at the groom and bride widely, seeing more people making their way in. He recognizes Yuichiro’s high school friends and pats his shoulder. “And Ayame-chan - you look beautiful today.”
“Thank you, Kazuya,” she takes the compliment and moves slightly to make the hem swirl. Kame laughs as he waves his hand, dragging a slightly petrified and stiff Jin with him. The look on his face is unbeatable and Kame can’t resist quickly snapping a picture of it with his phone, making the man grimace.
“Don’t tease me. That guy looked just like you. I think I might mix you two up,” he whines. “It’s like you’re clones rather than brothers.”
“We aren’t,” Kame assures him with a nod as he slips his phone back in his pocket. “It’s just the first impression. I’m sure by the evening you’ll be able to list a whole lot of differences between us. Plus I’m the only one of my siblings who’s gotten his nose broken.”
“Badass,” Jin teases him nervously as they approach Kame’s parents. His mother has gotten her hair professionally curled and she’s wearing a dark red dress with short sleeves. Kame hopes she isn’t feeling too cold.
She’s the first to notice them and turn around, eyeing Jin suspiciously. Kame hears his date gulping. Her gaze isn’t too cold, though - mostly she looks a bit surprised and startled, and perhaps just a bit disappointed. Kame’s glad her reaction isn’t worse.
“Kazu,” Yuya greets him after he notices his mother waving at them. His father turns his head around too. They all look at Jin and Kame feels the man shrinking in a bit. He pats the man’s back to give him courage as they stop, Kame pulling his parents in separate greeting hugs. Yuya greets Jin with a handshake and nod. Jin’s voice is lower than usual.
“Is he your new friend, Kazuya?” his mother asks politely after nodding at Jin. Kame’s father is bluntly staring at Jin’s watch that peeks from under his sleeve.
“You told me to bring a date,” Kame tries to say confidently and pushes Jin closer to his parents, draping his arm across the man’s hips. “Mum and dad, this is Akanishi Jin. We’ve been going out somewhat lately.”
The introductions aren’t too bad. Kame’s father recognizes Jin’s name, having read a review of his exhibition from the newspaper. Jin flushes a bit red as he talks about art, trying to eye Kame for help. Yuya pats Kame’s shoulder and whispers “nice catch!” to his ear before giving him a discreet thumbs up. His brothers have been more understanding with his sexuality than his parents. Kame assumes it’s because of the more open-minded generation, but he’s grateful nonetheless.
The evening goes pretty well. There’s laughter and music, dancing and wedding cake after the vows have been given and rings secured on the new wedded couple’s fingers. Kame’s mother tries to desperately usher some unfortunate girls at them and even takes Jin away once to give him a tour of introductions to some young women in the party. Kame shakes his head as he holds his champagne glass, watching Jin nervously licking his lips as his mother introduces him to some woman with a good cleavage.
“She’s at it again, huh,” Koji mumbles as he stands next to him. Kame nods and grins a little at his older brother. Koji’s long-term girlfriend Ryoko is chatting with the bride happily, laughing and snacking on some pastries from the buffet. Kame wonders when they’re finally going to get engaged. “She can be pretty shameless.”
“I guess,” Kame agrees. “She doesn’t mean ill with it, though. She’s just… a bit old-fashioned.”
“So. This new male friend of yours,” Koji smirks at him knowingly. Kame starts feeling like a child again, always teased and forced to run around by his older brothers. He knows that smirk, it’s the one he’s been staring at for uncountable times as they’ve tried to tease him into talking about his crushes or anything. His brothers can be insistent. “How serious?”
“I don’t know,” Kame admits unsurely, looking at Jin again, seeing his mother pushing him and the girl on the dance floor. He almost chokes on his drink - his mother really is ruthless. Poor Jin for agreeing to this madness. “We haven’t been seeing each other for thatlong.”
“But you like him?” his brother insists, fishing for the juicy details. Kame nods, feeling his body tingle a little at the thought. Koji smirks teasingly and clangs their glasses together. “That’s where it starts, Ka-kun. I’m proud of you. We’ve been a bit worried.”
“Don’t worry about me,” Kame mumbles and purses his lips as he glares at his brother. He’s looking at Ryoko, though. Kame follows his gaze and smirks a little, feeling the nosy little brother inside of him awakening too.
“You should just propose to her,” he teases. “You’ve been together for long enough. How many years was it again?”
“Four,” Koji admits. He bites on his lip, contemplating about telling something. Kame pokes his side teasingly, and the man winces before backing away from him a bit. “Don’t make me spill my drink, idiot!” he shushes quietly. Kame thinks his smirk might very well reach his ears.
“Let it out,” he demands. “Did she reject you?”
“No, no, nothing like that,” Koji mumbles and licks his lips nervously, glancing briefly at his girlfriend again. “It’s just that… I don’t want to announce it tonight, it’s Yuichiro’s big day. But… she’s pregnant,” he mutters and flushes pink. Kame stares and tries to comprehend the situation, looking at the radiant happy woman next to the bride again.
“You’re going to get a child?” he asks, delighted. “Oh god. I didn’t know you were… Did you plan for it?”
“In the future, yes,” his brother shrugs. “Maybe in a few years. But I can’t say I’d be unhappy that it’s now, I just… I’m going to be a father,” he gasps, looking happy and nervous at the same time. “We’re planning to finally get married soon. It’s better for the child to be born in a marriage.”
“Congratulations,” Kame squeals. He feels an odd creepy baby fever trying to sneak in his brains and fights to shake it off - it’s impossible anyway. But he couldn’t be more excited and happier for Koji. “Mum’s going to be happy. How far is the pregnancy? She isn’t really showing yet.”
“About four weeks,” Koji croaks. “Eight months to go. I’ll have to break the news to mum and dad soon. Maybe when Yuichiro comes back from the honeymoon. You’re the first one to know.”
“I can’t believe both of my older brothers are getting married,” Kame gasps. “You’re making me feel old.”
“Settle down already,” Koji laughs and pats his back. “Go and save your date from the swarm of ladies out there on the dance floor like a good boyfriend already.”
“We aren’t dating,” Kame reminds him stiffly, emptying his champagne glass. Koji shrugs, looking unconvinced.
“You will be soon enough,” he says with a certain voice. “But excuse me, I’ve got to go and keep my fiancé from drinking alcohol. Not good for the baby,” he excuses himself and walks away. Kame looks after him, wondering when they all managed to grow up.
Kame takes his brother’s advice and joins his date on the dance floor. The band is playing some joyous jazz and Jin smirks at him as he drapes his hands behind his neck and pulls him through the crowd, stealing him from the chattering girls.
“I think I might want to get married someday,” Jin sighs wonderingly, looking around with curious eyes. Kame frowns and pushes his chest slightly and the man laughs and pulls him closer. “You know, same-sex marriage is legal in some countries.”
“You’re way ahead of things,” Kame groans at Jin. “I think you’ll need to come back a few steps.”
“Just a thought,” Jin whispers in his ear teasingly. “I thought I’d put it out there.”
“I don’t think I want that,” Kame admits. “At least not now. We’ll see what time brings, okay?”
“Okay,” Jin promises and swirls him around. The wedding’s quite enjoyable, even with people’s eyes on them. He’d expected it to turn out worse, but now he’s just got a feeling that everything will be alright.
Jin’s laughter rings in his ears.
--
PART 5