(no subject)
I'm tired
So damn tired...
I can't take this anymore. I don't want to open that sort of door. But, will i survive without it? I scrunch up against the wall at night now. Just like i used to. I sleep with my back pressed to the wall, huddling in the corner, curled up into a ball clutching a pillow to me. I long for the sweet relief of sleep, but all that i get is the horrifing truth, twisted and mangled to become my dreams. The truth dances in the corner of my mind, only to come out wrapped in ugly lies and taunts me in the night.
I don't sleep much during the summer, but this is rediculous.
I don't know what i'm doing, or who I'm becoming. I don't want to change, or rather, revert. Revert to an older self, though slightly modified. Modified, upgraded...with new and improved armor and weapons! Like a starship...crusing the vast reaches of open, empty space. Armed now with new ways to cause pain, suffering, and death. New ways to protect itself from the horrors of the deep. New ways to survive.
Survive...heh...what a funny way to think of it. Because, if i go back that way...if i change back again. Do i really survive?
I want school to start. I want to meet new people, new friends.
Some girls.
I want to go out there and find a girlfriend. Not for the reasons that I believe most of you think. Its something far beyond that, the likes of which i don't expect most to understand. Not because anyone is stupid or i'm supposedly smart. Just because it's something of my own design, an emotion and interpretation as unique to me as the mark on my elbow.
A child burns...screaming in pain as her fleash is burned away. Her mother is running towards her...oh god.
Stupid war show. Fuckin terrorists
I have always slept against the wall. Always curled into a little ball and slept, or tried. It has always been so. For awhile, i got a break from that. It was nice, it really was. It was like a light shone around and through me, warding off the terrors that are, in fact, of my own design. That light doesn't shine for me any more.
But, life goes on, however slowly and painfully at points. Before school starts, some changes will have to be made. When school starts, they will have to be followed through. I don't know if i can, all i know is that i must. Or nothing will change. I will stay in this small hole i have dug for myself, and a light will not show me the way out. I have to find a new light, and fill the hole in which i dug. Its time to stop digging, and time to start climbing.
So damn tired...
I can't take this anymore. I don't want to open that sort of door. But, will i survive without it? I scrunch up against the wall at night now. Just like i used to. I sleep with my back pressed to the wall, huddling in the corner, curled up into a ball clutching a pillow to me. I long for the sweet relief of sleep, but all that i get is the horrifing truth, twisted and mangled to become my dreams. The truth dances in the corner of my mind, only to come out wrapped in ugly lies and taunts me in the night.
I don't sleep much during the summer, but this is rediculous.
I don't know what i'm doing, or who I'm becoming. I don't want to change, or rather, revert. Revert to an older self, though slightly modified. Modified, upgraded...with new and improved armor and weapons! Like a starship...crusing the vast reaches of open, empty space. Armed now with new ways to cause pain, suffering, and death. New ways to protect itself from the horrors of the deep. New ways to survive.
Survive...heh...what a funny way to think of it. Because, if i go back that way...if i change back again. Do i really survive?
I want school to start. I want to meet new people, new friends.
Some girls.
I want to go out there and find a girlfriend. Not for the reasons that I believe most of you think. Its something far beyond that, the likes of which i don't expect most to understand. Not because anyone is stupid or i'm supposedly smart. Just because it's something of my own design, an emotion and interpretation as unique to me as the mark on my elbow.
A child burns...screaming in pain as her fleash is burned away. Her mother is running towards her...oh god.
Stupid war show. Fuckin terrorists
I have always slept against the wall. Always curled into a little ball and slept, or tried. It has always been so. For awhile, i got a break from that. It was nice, it really was. It was like a light shone around and through me, warding off the terrors that are, in fact, of my own design. That light doesn't shine for me any more.
But, life goes on, however slowly and painfully at points. Before school starts, some changes will have to be made. When school starts, they will have to be followed through. I don't know if i can, all i know is that i must. Or nothing will change. I will stay in this small hole i have dug for myself, and a light will not show me the way out. I have to find a new light, and fill the hole in which i dug. Its time to stop digging, and time to start climbing.